Jenny Lawson: Human Shish Kabob

So, if you’ve been following the crazy bullshit that is my body trying to kill me you already know that I’m on a ton of new meds to fix a ton of broken shit, but the newest update is that my doctor called with more blood results and was like, “Girl, you’ve got ALL the anemias.  Pernicious was just the beginning.  Stop hogging the anemias” and I was like, “I don’t even know what that means” and basically it means that I’m missing a lot of blood for no reason, which sort of makes sense because I lose shit all the time, but it seems like if it was misplacing blood I’d remember, or at least Victor would yell at me for leaving all my blood around like he does about the trail of half-filled glasses of water that I leave in my wake.  “Missing blood” seems a little disconcerting, like when you’re missing time, except usually that’s because of alien abductions so at least you have a reasonable explanation.

And there can be a lot of reasons why I’m so anemic and exhausted and sick and some of those reasons are simple, and some are scary but personally I’m leaning toward “attic vampires”. It would explain the blood loss and also the rustling I sometimes hear upstairs late at night.  Victor says it’s squirrels on the roof but what would squirrels want with all my blood, Victor?  He is the worst detective, y’all.

Anywaymy doctor is also in the “it’s probably not vampires” camp but she says the anemias cause all sorts of things, including making me severely low on a lot of vitamins and other stuff you need to live, which could explain why my lab results were 30 pages of “Bitch, you are all the way fucked up.”

One of the most likely explanations is a bleeding ulcer but they need to be sure so next week they’re going to drug me up and stick one  camera down my nose all the way to my intestines.  Then they put another camera up my booty-pipe all the way to where the other camera stopped, like some terrible river cruise gone horribly wrong. Hopefully they’re different cameras, or they at least wash them well. Basically it’s like having a lot of tourists in me doing flash photography.   I considered live-tweeting it but the nurse says I probably won’t be conscious enough to make sense, but that’s pretty standard for me and twitter.  (Semi-conscious and nonsensical.  Not, “with a camera shoved up my ass”.  That is a new one for me.)  Either way, I plan on asking the doctor if I can have a copy of the pictures so that I can post the most introspective  Instagram shots ever. (Hashtag: #nomakeup #nofilter #iwokeupthisway)

I also plan to ask if they do the scopes at the same time because if so I think that would literally make me a shish kabob for a few seconds, and considering how little I’ve accomplished in the last 6 months it would be nice to at least be able to put that on my resume. “Writer, illustrator, humorist, human shish kabob.”

In more positive news, the new meds and supplements have slowly started to help with the exhaustion and brain fog and I’ve lost 8 pounds on this horrible low-carb, low-sugar diet.  Yay for small victories.

(I miss you, potatoes.)

PS.  This post needs a picture but I don’t have an appropriate one so instead here is a picture of Hunter S. Tomcat.

When he turns his face upside down he looks like an angry guinea pig sticking its tongue out.

I couldn’t put googley eyes on his chin without waking him up so I just drew some on here:

Two pets in one!

341 thoughts on “Jenny Lawson: Human Shish Kabob

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If you’e serious about posting those photos, Jenny, I will actually break down and join Instagram…right after I figure out what it is. I assume it’s not an overnight weed delivery service, but what do I know?

  2. IT’S A WAMPYRE, JENNY! 👿
    hugs I hope you continue to feel improvement and they find all your missing blood. 💙

  3. Much luck to you in your “Human Shish Kebob” bucket-list check-off ….the one you didn’t know you had. I am having a surgery at the end of the month to remove things in my body that shouldn’t be there, but I think yours actually wins. Hugs to you, and thank you for making me laugh at things I shouldn’t.

  4. I think vampires in the attic is way better than anything else the doctor could come up with. I hope he’s a hot vampire.

  5. Ask for a free face or tummy lift. You’ll be there anyway. Plus then you’ll
    Feel better about all this.

  6. I had no idea how you were going to explain the shish-ka-bob thing and then you did. And it makes sense. I am so impressed.

    Also you’re probably going to have a sore throat when you’re done, so ice cream!!!!

  7. I think vampires in the attic is way better than anything else the doctor could come up with. I hope he’s a hot vampire.

  8. If you post your internal pictures, could you please do them in a popup window and not on the main page? I adore you but I don’t think I could handle internal views without getting mentally prepared first. #Delicatefuckingflower

  9. I’ve done the endoscopic procedure, but just the nose.. after a bad 3 week long cold.. when i started crying they said “it’s normal for your tear ducks to water”. It wasn’t a reflex I was planning murder from the pain. Good Luck and thank goodness for not being awake, i dont recommend awake.

  10. Shit girl…you are so fucked up even the doctors can’t believe how truly fucked up you are. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or something to be totally amazed by. <>

  11. I can’t help but think that if your attempt to join the Vampire Brotherhood had been successful, you wouldn’t be dealing with any of this. Oh well. Hope they find some answers and get you on the road to recovery!

    (It’s probably them and Brad. THOSE FUCKERS! ~ Jenny)

  12. Oh Jenny! Allergies are already making me snort at work and now you have me snort laughing and the coworkers are giving me odd stares. I can never look at Hunter again without thinking of the angry guinea pig. Also those endoscopic pictures are not as interesting as they sound 🙁 Keep up the good work of getting better!!

  13. Mandie – LOL! I remember those posts.
    I get a tube stuck up me (colonoscopies, fun times) every two years (bi-yearly?) because of stomach problems. Being a shish kabob would be a new experience, though.

  14. I am so sorry you are in this shitty shitty place. I have experienced my own version of my-body-is-killing-me-from-within disease and I nearly gave up. repeatedly. But, every time I found myself in the deepest darkest scariest of holes, I dug out. And now the sun is shining on a regular basis in my brain. I can still see the holes, and I will undoubtedly fall in again. Guess who has been there for me? You. Over and over again. I have laughed with you, I have cried with you, I have colored with you. I have screamed out loud “me too! omg, I’m not alone” as well as “holy shit, I’m glad I didn’t have to experience THAT”. My favorite way of spending time with you is your audiobooks- I can’t get enough of listening to the way you tell your stories. I am thankful to have found you (Knock Knock Motherfucker was my introduction to you and I was in LOVE) and that you’ve been with me through all of this BS. Thank you for being you. Thank you for continuing. Thank you for putting one foot in front of the other over and over and over.

  15. Fun fact: getting both the endoscope and colonoscope at once is called a “spinner”. Fun fact two: REALLY excellent drugs are involved.

  16. I know you linked alien abductions to missing time, but I really don’t think you’re off the hook here–no reasons why those freakin’ aliens couldn’t steal your blood too and probably time warp you back so you don’t even know you were gone. Yup, aliens.

  17. I have a guinea pig who looks JUST like that ALL THE TIME. We call her The Disapproving Pig – as in, “the Disapproving Pig does not approve of the quality of today’s carrots” 😉

    I really hope you get this all sorted out, and that you’re feeling a hell of a lot better soon!

  18. My mom threatened to put my endoscopy photographs on our family Christmas card when I was a teenager. Because esophageal lesions just scream “Holidays”! But also because that stuff was literally the most expensive photograph of me ever taken.

  19. You should put up “missing” posters around town in case anyone has seen your blood. Do you think you could get it on a milk carton? (Or in a milk carton, I guess. That might solve your problem and/or keep anyone from drinking coffee in your house ever again.)

  20. The creepy dolls are so clever that you don’t even suspect them of exsanguination!

  21. I have to have those tests, too! I never thought about live posting it. Sweet idea! I’m going to ask if I can my friend Jessi do it. Jessi likes gross things like that. She’d totally be on board! Good luck to you! And, as always, Victor is wrong. Vampire squirrels are totes real and wouldn’t definitely want your blood.

  22. Do we know for certain that Victor is not the vampire in question? Leave some garlic in his shoes and see how that goes.

    Seriously, I hope you get this sorted out and are in good health soon!

  23. Will now be making pamphlets for the doctors office I work at with the description ‘sort of a river cruise gone horribly wrong’ for colonoscopies. We were trying to think of a catchy title for it so thanks!

  24. You made me laugh out loud at my desk with the guinea pig thing. My coworkers gave me weird looks. These are all compliments, I promise.

    Hope you feel better and get your blood back.

  25. All I can say is I am sending lots of prayers and good thoughts to you. And prayers for around and in you. Seriously get well soon.❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙏

  26. See Jenny, this is what you get for messing with those vampires a while back…LOL. By the way “booty-pipe” has me cracking up. So much so, my boss came out and said, “what’s so dang funny, you are an accountant!” Which is true and made me laugh louder.
    Wishing you the best and YAY for small victories! By the by, potatoes are not that great, you aren’t missing that much.
    Sorry, friends lie to make each other not miss the things they are craving…I was trying but I think I may have failed. Potatoes are great, and I am sorry you can’t have them!

  27. Human shish kebab: your next book! But seriously, hoping all goes well and they find the source. Now I can’t get the image of vampire squirrels out of my head. Frighteningly adorable.

  28. That is so totally cool that you saw a guinea pig! I am always seeing things that aren’t there but actually are if you look the right way. But I don’t tell my doctors. I love your posts.

  29. Thank you for always finding the humor! Human shish-kabob ✅ 🤣
    I hope you continue to feel better & that the tests help find some answers.
    You rock!

  30. lol love that i think “booty pipe “is my new favourite euphemism!!@LOl and when i had a brocoscopy i asked fror acopy so i could post pics!!LOL so i totally get that.. looking forward to the human shshkabob pics*(i mean that the good way not the sick way!! and as an MD I can say probably not attic vampires.:(.. but then again its not like you just lost or left a whole bunch of blood laying around so not carelessness either!! anyways thanks for the laugh and sorry more testing is in your future ive had camera and lower gi .. and endoscopy at same time so i know the human rotterssire chicken impression too well!!

  31. The first time I had a booty-pipe scope done, they gave me such good meds that I asked for photos, watched some of the procedure like it was a sitcom, and was in a happy, giggly mood the rest of the day. I have my fingers crossed that those are the meds you’ll get. Hugs!

  32. I have similar health issues. Many unexplained-idiopathic such and such. I too was told that I was bleeding out internally. Did all the scopes. All fine. Which doesn’t explain the missing blood at all but they were like “we checked what we could.” So, three years out, still apparently massively bleeding internally but somehow also alive. Except with Sero negative arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic pain and fatigue, depression etc. I feel like I am extraordinary person though because I can live without blood.

  33. Don’t know what cracked me up harder – attic vampires or Hunter S. Guinea Pig!
    Sorry you are a Human Shish Kabob, but maybe they will actually find out what is going on. (I’d stick with the attic vampires).

  34. My doctor gave me a picture of my uterus after my ablation and my sister saw it laying on the counter and asked what it was. I replied, my uterus. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since.

  35. I couldn’t see the guinea pig until you added the eyes. Now it’s all I can see.

  36. Omg I didn’t see the guinea pig until you added the eyes!!! 🤣🤣🤣

  37. How does the Doctor know it’s not Attic Vampires?! Aren’t they supposed to be all about scietific evidence, and stuff like that? Has he BEEN in your attic to check it out? Arrogant bastard.

  38. I had all the symptoms of a bleeding ulcer close to 30 years ago. After the upper GI scan they realized that I did NOT have an ulcer. So my bleeding ulcer turns 30 this year, and is now a patent lawyer. My second child started out with my doctor leaning forward to look me in the eye and then saying, ” at your age, it’s probably gall stones.” My gall stones turn 12 years old in a few weeks and will be going into the sixth grade next year. #doctors/schmoctors

  39. I had some serious brain fog from pernicious anemia. I didn’t get to the neuropathy stage, luckily… I was deficient in a bunch of vitamins (and iron) in a way that wasn’t explained by my diet and made me super fatigued all the time. My situation was not as complex as yours, but I relate to a small part of what you’re dealing with. I hope you find answers!!

  40. The mouse picture made me laugh. The endoscopy and colonoscopy aren’t so bad. The prep for the colonoscopy is the worst part. But I understand why they would want a person cleaned out before they starting filming.

  41. No darling, you can’t access the guts through the nose with a scope. They will go through your mouth for the upper. Asked if you need and double balloon endoscopy because it looks at much more of the small intestines. Also, see if you need a capsule endoscopy because, depending on transit time, it can provide images all the way through practically to the colon. Bless your heart.

    Expect a sore throat after.

    (Actually, throat sounds much better than nose, so I’m cool with that.. ~ Jenny)

  42. Are they going to drive the golden spike at the spot where the two cameras meet? Will there be tiny people to cheer when it happens?

  43. Best wishes to you Jenny. Your ability to inject humour is admirable and entertaining, and reveals depth of character and sheer determination and strength. Inspiring actually. Xoxo

  44. Booty pipe has me legit giggling out loud. We love you and I hope your awesome doctors figure all of this out really soon and you feel better!

  45. I think you’re on to something with the attic vampires. I don’t know why the doctor can’t see it. Too bad we have yet to perfect the technology to shrink people and ships so they can go in to see what’s going on.

  46. I’ve had the booty pipe 10-12 times, I’m 65 & I was under & I disliked the days before starving. Evie Gathright
    evieloug@gmail.com.
    Love you bunches!!!

  47. I was totally like I kinda see the gerbal thing, then saw the googly eyes and laughed. Thank you. I’m very sorry you have to go through all this but I love that you are finding the humor about it. I hope they can fix you all up. Wonderful news that the other treatment is helping and weight loss is a good bonus! I wish you the best of luck with the human kabob. I love you.

  48. ROFLMAO OMG, BOOTY-PIPE!!! I love you! You hang in there Jenny. Glad that it seems to be something fixable/treatable and that the diet is helping. Thank you for making me laugh. I’m saying prayers for you.

  49. The bad news is you’re losing blood, the good news is they can figure out why and fix you. I mean that part of you. Most of you definitely does not need fixed. I love your authenticity, and ability to see guinea pigs in upside down cats. 😀

  50. After having lost 400ml of blood during surgery over 3 weeks ago, I feel I have less of a right than you to complain. The exhaustion today alone is just madness. Best to you. The absolute best.

    On a brighter note, my blood work did test positive for blood.

    @WriterDann

  51. My uncle has pernicious anemia. His hair turned stark white over a couple months. Now he takes b12 shots every couple weeks and watches what he eats. He’s doing okay. But it was scary there for a while. If you’re like me, you have to listen to “rocky raccoon” on the drive home after the scopes. It’s hilarious. I can never remember anything for more than 5 minutes after anaesthesia for a full day. But then it comes back in 5 minute chunks a few weeks later. And you remember singing at the top of your lungs about a raccoon in South Dakota and the look your driver gives you and the interesting conversion that ensues. It makes for fun memories. I also suggest butt stickers….. for the doctor…. on your butt…. like “not for human consumption” or “radioactive”. Your gastroenterologist won’t ever forget you. And you’ll probably hear them laugh just as you’re konking out from the anesthesia. Again…. fun memories weeks later. Good luck…. you got this.

  52. Yay for a doctor who keeps on keeping on. Because if it is true, it is treatable and you will be back to your old self in no time – that is your old self with a shish kabob experience added..

  53. Vampires in the attic is an excellent diagnosis. I played a doctor once in a Star Trek roleplaying game, so I know. It’s totally something Bones would think of. My doctor accused me of never leaving my basement (I wouldn’t even go into my basement because, ew) because of that time the lab declared I had no Vitamin D in my blood. “LOOK AT MY SUNBURN!” (It wasn’t bad, only a little pink.) “I go out in the sun all the time! Every day! When I walk from my car to my office!” He decided my body didn’t understand how the sun works with that Vitamin D thing (Duh, I’m an alien) so he makes me take supplements. Now I probably won’t get rickets and my doctor has stopped freaking out. About that. He still doesn’t grok that I’m an alien. Someday. Someday.

  54. Totally vampires. I’ve seen them with my own eyes while I was hanging out in your attic with the squirrels. Hahaha ok, just kidding, really. I hope you get some answers. Honestly, this sounds fixable. I’ve had those tests done too and the best answer I got at age 40 was that I had the colon of a 70 year old. Thanks Doc. I DID GET PICTURES from the doc so tell them not to hold back on you. I go again in a few months and I’ll be sure to get pics to share with you and the gang here. Keep on keepin’ on.

  55. Oh Jenny…I can’t believe you didn’t know that there actually is a Vampire Squirrel – see the attached picture. http://lexlothor.deviantart.com/art/Orange-Eyed-Vampire-Squirrel-169807029

    Of course he’s come to suck all your blood out – he’s jealous that you haven’t put a picture of him on one of your books – they get like that. And his revenge is to have sucked enough of your blood to force the whole shish-kabob thing. I suggest you make friends with him soon, and then before you know it, you’ll be all better. Please consider this. I hate the idea of you wasting away. And being Endo-Colon-oscopied Been there, done that more than once. Trust me, you’d prefer the squirrel! Sending love! oxoxox

  56. I’ve been a human shish kabob (and by that I mean I’ve had the endoscopy/colonoscopy dr. visit and I’ve wondered if one camera can see the other…it’s real meta). Make sure you ask for the propofol and have the best sleep of your life. I’m telling you once you have that shit you will totes understand why Michael Jackson was paying someone to administer that stuff all the time (RIP Michael). I hope you feel better and they find the reason behind all the effed-up-edness.

  57. The worst part of the upper and lower GIs is the crap you have to drink the day before. The rest is like nothing, like I seriously questioned if I had been prodded because I felt no discomfort outside of being starved and loopy from the anesthesia. I wonder if I also have all the anemias…

  58. Attic vampires are trouble. And they LOVE vegetarians, so watch out for that: when I stopped eating meat altogether for a while, the damned things were into me every night.

  59. I’m sorry to have to be the one to point out the obvious that everyone seems to have missed: you have something messed up with your roof and/or attic. It causes squirrels to become vampires on their way into the house, but as they leave, they’re fine again. It’s the kind of thing Doctor Who or The Twilight Zone would investigate, though. So keep your eyes open for a random blue box and your ears open for Rod Serling’s voice (TZ’s narrator–I looked it up).

  60. feel better, hope you get some answers soon. I also get in trouble for leaving half full glasses of water around the house but I found out from watching a movie (don’t remember name but think Mel Gibson was in it) that the water glasses help keep aliens away so have used that as my excuse ever since;)

  61. I warned you earlier this week that Victor is a vampire. It’s just like a vampire to blame it on squirrels. Get thee to a grocery store immediately to stock up on garlic cloves for a fashionable new necklace to compliment your pajamas. After having cameras insidy my body, I did a few paintings based off of them. I painted my ovaries out of egg tempera, because EGGS. I think this should be your next coloring book, “You Are IN Here.”

  62. Jenny! I suffered from severe anemia 21 years ago! What is your hemoglobin count? Do you crave chewing ice? I had all those tests! You’ll get better! I love you!

    (10.5 at last check. I always crave ice though so it’s not really any different. I’m eating some now. ~ Jenny)

  63. Good on you for laughing at the shit life is once again flinging at you. And thank you for the reminder of how important it is to laugh at ourselves. You are hilarious in the midst of pain.

  64. I’ve just graduated college and am volunteering in a hospital’s medical record department for the experience. I look at all the paper records that have been scanned into the computer to make sure they’re right before we shred the paper. I always have endoscopy & colonoscopy images to check. They’re like the most extreme selfies you can take. Make sure you ask your doctor for copies. I look forward to seeing yours here.

  65. I honestly believe there should be a disease called “Your body fucking hates you and the doctors have no idea why you have all this shit wrong with you” only in Latin so it sounds scientifically… So glad I am not alone in this…

    (Amen. ~ Jenny)

  66. Dude, they will give you pictures of your insides even if you DON’T ask for them. I have ulcerative colitis and have to get a colonoscopy every two years, and my discharge packet ALWAYS comes with a printout of digital pictures of my colon, even though I tell them every time I would have happily lived the rest of my life without ever seeing that.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, though, and I hope you get answers and relief soon!

  67. I kinda feel bad about laughing when you’re trying to figure out why ur body is deserting you, but I can’t help it.
    I hope the tide turns on the whole body situation soon. But in the meantime, the brain fog you’re struggling with has blocked the best parts. So yay for that.

    P.S. don’t read this blog post. There are waaaaayyyy too many carbs floating around.

  68. This is why I love you..had the same procedure years back and asked the doctor if they were two different cameras..I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought of that..although the vampire thing would be cool I hope it’s something more treatable..

  69. Christ almighty, this is seriously hilarious!!I totally want you to be a kabob. Because if you could live tweet that shit, you would win Twitter. Like, forvever. Soon you will have your blood, and health back…a-fucking-men! 🙌

  70. the endoscopy will be from mouth down throat and they doing capsule cam? also now every picture of hunter s tomcat has beady eyes LOL and looks a bit like a guinea pig!!

  71. You are a national treasure. I hope your kabobbing goes well. Sorry about the carbs.

  72. You’re the fucking best!!! I looooove you Jennay, a’la Forrest Gump

  73. I’m so sorry you’re having such a shitty time, but ” Then they put another camera up my booty-pipe all the way to where the other camera stopped, like some terrible river cruise gone horribly wrong.” is just such a perfect line. I love you.

  74. Every time I get home from this specialist, that doctor, or get called with crappy lab results, I just can’t manage being funny. Gallows humor up to a point, yeah, but you are a fucking miracle and an inspiration. Good luck with the cameras (Insert double penetration joke right here), and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. Low-carb here too, type 2 diabetic. Lost 40 pounds. Don’t miss taters much, you get used to it. You can do this!!!;)

  75. i’m torn between telling you this or not, but so often yesterday’s conversations come up in today’s social mediaing that I must. sorry in advance….

    I found out yesterday that the endoscopy and the colonoscopy cameras don’t meet in the middle. there is a middle zone that only the camera pill can see. I mean, why don’t they JUST use the damn camera pill!?

    Hope they get you full of blood, or iron, or whatever, and feeling better soon!

  76. I have a different vampire theory for you. I seem to have a similar collection of weird anemias (the relatively good news being that I’m finally being recommended for an iron infusion, so maybe I’ll finally start to get better). Mine also have a mystery cause (and tend to cancel each other out on lab results so it can still claim that everything about me is ‘normal’). My theory is that I am becoming an anorexic vampire. It perfectly explains why I need more blood in my body. You might be an anorexic vampire too.

  77. I can only imagine the sounds coming out of my office door as I read this post trying not to let anyone here me snort, giggle and guffaw… I bet I sound like I’m having a really, really good time in here.

  78. On a related note, the strangest thing a medical professional ever said to me was, “I really like the looks of your cervix!”

    It’s always nice to get a compliment, but… no. Ew.

    (To be fair, I was within days of my due date with my second child. She had to look there.)

  79. For someone who is so completely messed-up medically, you are brilliantly eloquent. Makes me wonder what’s wrong with me that I understand everything you write. Which is o say, i love reading you.

    Oh, and, upside-down Hunter with googly eyes totally looks like a guinea pig.

  80. Sending healing, and garlic-filled, thoughts your way! (Damn those attic-vampires!)

  81. My mom had that whole missing-blood thing. It made her crazy. Bad crazy, not good crazy like you. Tabbies and tuxedos don’t pull off that hamster look nearly as well.

  82. OMG! HST is two! Two! Two pets in one! I actually think you have vampire squirrels (you know, like vampire bats).

    I’ve had the both-end-scope a few times, myself (yes, my body tries to kill me periodically and my blood’s all fucked up too — we’re twinsies!). I asked my Gastro before the first one if she was going to do both at the same time — she has two eyes, after all, and is quite a talented doctor — and be able to see each eye through the other scope. She disappointed me by saying, “No, it doesn’t work like that.” Oh well… According to her, I have gotten back at her by calling her a “pain in the ass” and telling butt jokes under sedation. Apparently, my scoping sessions require an ID and a 2-drink minimum.

    It isn’t too bad — the prep is the worst part — I’d suggest getting some of those damp butt wipes to soothe the thunder down under. Also, get someone to record the post-procedure farting — you’ll be able to stop traffic with those toots! 😉

    Hang in there and take care!

  83. Goodness. You’re due for some good news – other than being at the top of the bestseller lists. Maybe stop writing so you can be good in other areas :). I hope the meds continue to help – and yay for weight loss!

  84. I got to keep pics from my endoscopy and colonoscopy (which they did not do at the same time, but I was awake and alert so I know for a fact they didn’t use the same camera – I highly recommend staying awake, though, since otherwise they might try to pull this money-saving maneuver). I have not posted them on instagram because I’m saving them, along with some images of my uterus, to make a really inappropriate children’s book.

  85. Won’t it be great when you can go through the Star Trek (the one with that delicious Chris Pine) transporter and put you back together in the “Default” setting?
    Joanne

  86. You’ll get through it. you are the strongest woman I know.
    In your last post you said that you had an Internet Relationship in which you heart things the other person has posted, but it secretly makes you super excited to have any kind of relationship. I feel that way with you. OMG JENNY HEARTED MY POST!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I use terms like, This friend I have in Texas….I just wish it was true, but you know what that feels like.
    So, hang in there my friend, it gets better from here. And maybe start wearing a garlic necklace to bed.

  87. My dad got to swallow a teeny tiny camera that took digital pictures as it worked it’s way down the digestive system. Thankfully it was a disposable camera!!

  88. Have you been tested for an autoimmune disease? I have lupus and low blood counts were on of the markers of my diagnosis. It wouldn’t hurt to ask your doctor for an autoimmune antibodies test. It’s good to check, just to make sure. I thought I was fine because I am young and fit but it turned out lupus was damaging my organs. I spent last year in chemo and in the hospital. Not trying to scare you–just saying, it’s good to get tested just in case. And if the test is negative, one thing is ruled out!

  89. Like a river cruise gone horribly wrong!!!! That’s the funniest thing that I’ve read all day..
    It won’t be fun, but not as bad as you may fear. I suppose that at this point, I’m hoping that it is a bleeding ulcer as that would be a diagnosis and a condition to treat. Oy!!!! This is not the way to be an overachiever, woman.

  90. Fellow anemic attic vampire victim here. I swear I thought I was dying before I got diagnosed. My HP was at zero every day, even walking around was a chore. Glad you are getting some answers. I’m finding liquid iron much easier to take than the supplements. xo

  91. I unexpectedly had the tube to intestines from both direction procedure. Well, unexpected because I’m not 50 years old yet, not walking down the street and suddenly accosted with a tube to the booty pipe unexpected. Procedure was easy enough and not something I’ll dread again. And the professionals did really want to make sure that I knew they would do the booty piping AFTER the face piping.

  92. Is Victor jealous of the hot vampire in the attic so he is just ignoring his existence hoping he will go away? I hope you have thought of a totally appropriate name for him like Count Bulging Muscles McThirsty…

  93. Motherfucking Attic Vampires and Disapproving Guinea Cats. You lead a charmed life my friend. Seriously though, I hope all goes well and you get some good news for a change. Like, maybe the Attic Vampires secretly put a baby in you and it is eating all your missing blood and vitamins and they can just cut it out and study it for science! 🐒✌🏻

  94. My sister, an RN, says the human body is like a straw except things go down instead of being sucked up. That seems relevant here.

  95. I got pictures of my insides before and after my hysterectomy. I think he wanted to prove he got everything. Then he said, we decided to take pictures of your bladder too, because we have never seen ureters connected like that before. (I had ureteral transplant surgery when I was a kid.) I found all the pics fascinating, especially since they were in color.

  96. I take b12 shots, like body shots but less fun. My hubs refers to the cameras as body floss. Lol

  97. I’ve heard of guinea fowl – but Hunter S. Tomcat the guinea cat is a new one. that picture made both me and my husband laugh out loud. Hope you get some good medical news soon or at least pictures that make instagram seriously consider adding some new rules about posting. BTW – your coloring book is a helping this tired teacher find summer sanity – so me and my future students thank you.

  98. Pernicious anemia is, in addition to the best-named medical condition around, a really nasty condition. I’m so sorry that you have it, and that the other anemias got jealous and jumped on the Jenny Train. As a nurse and a person-who-gets-random-medical-stuff, I know how scary, frustrating, and unfair it is to be sick when you’re trying so damn hard not to be.

  99. I had a tube shoved up my nose and then down my throat when I had food poisoning and they needed to bleed off the excess gas that hat built up in my intestines. I don’t recommend it by the way.

  100. Yeah, they tried to figure out if I had internal bleeding, so I had to swallow a camera. Husband asked nurse if they wanted it back after, so someone else could use it. Nurse swatted him. Saved me the trouble.

  101. I’ve had an upper endoscopy and I got to keep pictures! It’s the best because I have a visual for how much gluten was destroying my insides (thanks celiac!). I hope you get pictures from yours and instead of an ulcer it’s vampires.

  102. Didn’t you tick off some Internet Vampires recently?
    Probably a connection…

  103. The human shish kabob thing isn’t as bad as it’s sounds. (Which it would almost have to be, right?) My husband had about seven of them in the last couple of years. The prep is harder but don’t let anyone try to convince you can mix it w vodka. Crystal lite is okay though. If you want them to do the test for celiac that’s a part of that procedure too. My friend has VIDEO of hers. ❤️

  104. You can have the endoscopy and colonoscopy at the same time, but make sure you get the Michael Jackson drugs because waking up in the middle of it reaaaallly sucks.

  105. You can have my blood! I have too much (Hemochromatosis), and right now it’s full of magnesium for my fucked up back. Hope fixing your blood will help you feel better!

  106. I have a habit of losing my blood too…mine is because Aunt Flo comes to visit and is a very bad guest. She rummages through the medicine chest, complains about the guest bed, doesn’t like my cooking, AND the bitch steals my blood and with it my energy. I’ve literally had doctors tell me that if I were to get in an accident and I’m still conscious to just ask for a transfusion; otherwise, you are already bled out and as such you won’t make it to the hospital. Very comforting, huh? Now it is B-12 injections and daily iron…hopefully that is all you will have to do too!

  107. I love your drawn pic of Hunter, lol!! If you are experiencing restless legs, you might find that getting better as you clear up the anemia!!

  108. Honey,you can put whatever you want on your resume. (And I love the cat/guinea pig shot)

  109. Welcome to the “WTF body!?!?!” Club. We’ve got blankets to hide under and coffee to tame the homicidal urges. Until your doctor takes away the coffee too and you have to contemplate if acid free decaf coffee still counts on the banned list (I’m pretty sure it does but I will stab anyone who takes it away with a spoon)

    Life is fun. Remember to laugh at being so ridiculous. It’s an accomplishment =)

  110. I have all kinds of stuff wrong with me, so believe me when I say that I’m not telling you this in some sort of lame “Could always be worse” sort of way. Because Blegh. But. I would think that if it’s a bleeding ulcer, that’s better than a lotta things it could be cuz they can fix that relatively easily can’t they? Can’t they? Maybe they can’t. Shit. I dunno. Nevermind. Dammit.
    (I do hope they can tho. ❤️)

  111. Aww, Jen … you poor thing! I hope they’ll be able to get to the bottom of things (no pun intended) with you Intestinal Instagram. But just in case, you should probably still have the attic sprayed for vampires. (PLEASE post a recording of your call to the pest-control folks requesting said service.) And congrats for having the world’s first 2-in-1 cathamster; I’ll be smiling for the rest of the day over that. Sending you better-health vibes!

  112. Be prepared to embarrass yourself with the airiness of your backside. I rustled the curtains with the longest, loudest fart when I went to sit up after my scopes. Thank goodness everyone around me had the same issue.
    Just so you know:
    It will get better- it has to. At least they are figuring out what is happening inside you so you can fight it.

  113. I think ive figured out the problem!!! no one has told you the MERCK manuals and DSM arent a menu to order from!!!???? 🙂 wish it were that simple..
    HUG take care and get well and carry around garlic

  114. What a coincidence! I did the duel scope thing a week ago. The prep for colonoscopies isn’t fun, but the least non-fun one is Prepopik. I consider myself a reluctant expert, as I have Crohn’s disease and have done about five different preps. Prepopik is by far the easiest and least nasty tasting. I hope this helps!

  115. Hugs and love. That picture is seriously disturbing.
    I’m actually encouraged by all the body brew-ha-ha, because as that gets straightened out maybe the brain will follow.
    Body’s are stupid, but brains are stoopider.

  116. BTDT… the two-way, I mean. Looking for an ulcer. As others have said: the drugs are good.
    And I very much needed the laughs, so thank you. My home is trying to destroy me. And… Hunter S. Tomcat. What is seen cannot be unseen. So glad I wasn’t in public, because, you know, embarrassing laughter.

  117. Jenny, I am so sorry you’re going through so much shit with your silly body trying to kill you, and I’m glad something is helping and I really hope they figure out what the problem is. But in the meantime, you make your suffering sound HILARIOUS. Keep up that sense of humor, please, for yourself and all of us.

  118. Its the brotherhood/sisterhood of vampires… you finally escalated it until they decided to take your blood… I mean usually those types at happy enough to just steal your money – but clearly that’s not enough now.

  119. I’ve had both those tests and they weren’t too bad. It’s worth it if they find out info that will help put you on the road to wellness. You sure as hell deserve to feel better than you do. Hoping for all the best.

  120. I didn’t see it until the googly eyes were added. How adorable. I love my yellow tabby boy, Thor. He’s an amazing cat who loves everyone he meets. I too am going through some strange blood stuff. My white blood cells apparently don’t reproduce right and are putting me in a mildly imuno-compromised state which REALLY pisses me off. And it might turn into leukemia in the future so that’s super great. So my body and I are giving each other the silent treatment right now. I keep giving it semi-good food and it keeps hurting all over. And being exhausted all the time, which has NOTHING to do with the blood thing. Another thing that REALLY pisses me off. I just want to not be exhausted all the time, ya know?

  121. Girl, I knew you shouldn’t have pissed off those vampires a few months ago! Damn! Just say no to vampires from here on out.

  122. You should copyright ‘vampires in the attic’ – it sounds like a great new euphemism for ‘odd in an Addams Family kind of way.’ Good luck with the whole shishkebab experience. I hope everything goes well.

  123. This sounds excruciating – so sorry you have to go through it. I got woken up in the middle of my last colonoscopy and told that I was being “uncooperative,” so they were going to have to put me under a lot deeper than usual to keep me still. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d had them going in from both ends.

    And as for all that rustling and thumping in my attic that gets the cats so wound up, now I’m afraid it might be Bubba Ho Tep.

    Hang in there and feel better!

  124. I had a scope done in December, not the shish kabob type, just oral. As for how procedures go, the worst part of the whole thing was the iv. Off my mom hadn’t have been with me the whole time, I would have accused the doctor of just making me sleepfor ten minutes. It was that easy and gentle.
    As for the missing blood… What ever happened to the Vampire you were emailing with? Are you sure it wasn’t him?

  125. Also on a stupid low-carb, low-sugar diet. I hates it, but I also am feeling better physically. Which I also hate.

    Also, human shish-kebab. I know I saw some pictures like that once, but I feel like this would be a very different kind of thing…

  126. Vampires in the attic would be far less creepy than Flowers in the Attic. Those books were messed up!

  127. I’ve not had a camera down my nose but I HAVE had one up the other way, and I totally got to keep the pictures. Plus, I had an entire conversation with my friend afterwards in recovery that was apparently quite eloquent but to this day I don’t remember a word of it, because twilight drugs don’t play around.

  128. Wow! My daughter had a endoscopy and colonoscopy ehen she was a baby and again at 3 years. She was diagnoses with crohns at the time but now we’re thinking it might be celiacs. Good luck with your test!

  129. I’ve had both scopes done at the same time. Easy peasy. You’ll be fine. They didn’t find anything on mine so I hope yours is also good. Although not finding anything also means not having any answers. 🙁 Which really sorta sucks. The prep for the rear camera sucks but it’s not so bad. And you won’t remember a thing! Which also kind of sucks if you want to blog or tweet about it.

  130. Having worked for 10 years in a GI clinic, I will say that they don’t do both at the same time. There is a chance that the same scope could be used, but it’s disinfected between uses. I used to look at photos of people’s insides all day long, both ends, so I hope they give you the pics – it’s strangely fascinating! And I hope they figure out where all your blood is going – your body is like a dryer eating socks at this point.

  131. I almost choked on my M&Ms/lunch. Thank you for every snort and giggle and I wish you a speedy recovery from the shish-kebabing. Maybe you should sneak some garlic into bed this evening, just in case.

  132. I love how you changed Hunter into a guinea pig! And I can’t believe how he can sleep in such weird positions. Good luck with your shish-kabobbing, and much as I hate to say it, I’m kind of suspicious of Victor, too.

  133. Well, if nothing else, I hope yoyr vampirea are cool and hot like Lester or at least those kids from Vampire Diaries. Maybe they’ve hid your missing blood at the back corner of the fridge or under the stove – that’s often where lost things end up. Or maybe you’ve got yourself some confused Underpants Gnomes who have said “Step 1 Collect blood. Step 2. Step 3. Profit.”.

    Anyways, I hope that some good (pictures) come out of your shish-kabobing and that you are feeling way better soon Jenny.

  134. I have all of the Anemia’s too… No secret vampires in the attic though. It’s just my body trying to kill me. I have all of the autoimmune shit too! Yay! I wanted to be awake during my double dip, they said no way. Fuckers.

  135. BTDT and it isn’t as bad as it sounds because they give you Propofol and you remember nothing past “99” when they tell you to Count backwards from 100.” And they do give you the photos, which look like scenic shots of Mars. . Tip; (you can ask for 20 wallet size and raffle them off.” See, win-win! Be well, girl!

  136. It is a shame you can’t have our old doctor do the lower scope- you would LOVE him! During one of my husband’s, he tried to break into song – My Darling Clementine. But, he didn’t really know the words so his staff found a audio of it on line- he told us after that he didn’t know it was such a sad song. “She dies!” He said. I said”Yes, I wondered why you would sing such a sad song” he responded “She died, not John!” Actually, he is a hoot and I wish we had moved him with us across country.
    You should totally get copies of the film- it is possible, my husband got shots of his last couple scopes. The worst part of it (I have had two- a family that undergoes the same procedures, stays together?) is the prep the day before. The awful drink we always get is called “Golytley”, which is like a Beavis and Butthead joke. Good luck and we are rooting for you!

  137. Trust me, you won’t be awake enough to narrate your shish kabab adventure. You might be able to manage some incoherent mumbling.
    Cat photos are always appropriate.
    That guinea pig has a very strange tongue.

  138. You got jumped into the vampire gang and didn’t even know it.

    Easiest gang initiation ever.

  139. Did you know there is a world championship of taxidermy going on?! The pictures are fabulous. Looking at them may give you some cheer. But seriously, being sick is sucky. Hope you feel better and that the vampires get an eviction notice ASAP.

  140. In the same vein as “when you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebras”, there’s a little known medical saying that’s “when you hear scrambling in the attic, think vampires not ulcers.” It’s not surprising your doctor’s never heard of it, though.

  141. Hunter S Tomcat is an awesome guinea pig! I had the same procedure and yes, they did both while I was “sleeping.” Hopefully not exactly at the same time. That’s a little too Lord of the Flies for me.

  142. So is your spleen and bone marrow producing enough blood or are they just looking at ways you are losing blood? Taking B12 shots or taking B12 pills? Be sure to eat plenty of meat as it has iron that your body can easily absorb.
    You have a great husband and daughter to take care of you, so rest and get better.

    (Taking lots of B12 and eating lots of meat. ~ Jenny)

  143. You probably already thought of this, but if you can get the anemia stuff figured out and taken care of, it’ll probably help A LOT with depression and anxiety. Maybe that’s why you had an increase in that a little bit ago…?? (I’m a psychologist…can you tell?)
    Wishing you all the best!! Good luck!!

  144. Ah, the pernicious anemia got me, too. It sucks the life out of you, but those B12 shots really help (that’s what they gave me, at least). I hope they figure out all your anemias. I think you should look into the possibility of vampire squirrels.

  145. Wishing you peace in your quest for health. I hope they find answers and that they are interesting, but not alarming. Attic vampires is at the top of the list. Those sound alarming, but they aren’t. A little holy water goes a long way with them.

  146. I adore you and wish you well. But not so well that we never get to hear fabulous human shishkabob stories. No really. Being ill chronically is an utter bitch and I hope they finally figure out what the deal is and fix it quickly. All the positive thoughts in the world coming your way. (So you know the actual skewering you will be too drugged to remember. It’s the prep you’ll long to forget!)

  147. Dittoing everyone else who commented on the sore throat from the upper-endoscopy. They make a throat spray that’s like Cepacol spray on steroids (or they put it in a nebulizer, I forget which) but DEMAND IT. They didn’t do anything for my husband for his first one, and after he woke up he coughed so hard and for so long that he burst blood vessels in both eyeballs. I mean, do you really want to be explaining to everyone that you have bleeding eyeballs because they stuck a camera down your throat? (Also, you’re short on blood already.)

  148. Whatever it is, we’ll do what we can to help ya through.

    <3

    (Fucking doctors… phlebotomists are PAID vampires guys, it’s not that much of a stretch).

  149. Omigod, he does look like an angry guinea pig sticking its tongue out…
    I’m cleaning out my parents’ house; if I find some blood I’ll send it your way.

    Good luck with the shish-kebobing, and we await your recounting of the adventure.

  150. I also have just been diagnosed with the anemias! Are we related? My scoping extravaganza is scheduled for 5/31. They think my “alleged” gastric bleed is because I eat Advil like it is candy because of messed up discs in my neck. So/ no more Advil and lots and lots of neck pain. In the meantime, I’m catching every illness known to man (I teach HS) and have zero energy. Come on summer break!

  151. If there is a bright side, you’ll get some AWESOME drugs for the procedure. I’ve never felt so rested.

  152. Best of luck my friend! I’m sure it will be all good. Minus the cameras in areas that aren’t fun. Hang in there!

  153. Can i ask what med u think has helped with the brain fog? Mine is horrible

    (I think the testosterone has helped. Mine was way too low. ~ Jenny)

  154. Aww hell, I should have asked for the pictures of my tubal ligation a month ago! Because THERE ARE TOTALLY PICTURES!

  155. Oh you get tpnhave what my doctor called ‘the daily double’. I was given pictures but no one ever want to see them! I don’t understand… it’s not like I’m making them sit through hours of my road trip slides.

    If you want to really make it fun wake up like I did and say ‘are you in my butt?’ It gets the crew scrambling.

  156. I am an Endoscopy nurse and I promise it won’t be that bad! Although the bowel prep you have to take to clean out your large intestine for the colonoscopy part is very, very unpleasant. Compared to that, the exam itself will be no problem! And the drugs we give you for the procedure are very, very good. You’ll do great! Good luck, I’ll be sending good vibes your way. xoxo

  157. OMG. Thank you for adding the eyes…I see it now. That’s a lot of pet for the money.

  158. I just laughed so hard at “booty-pipe” I choked on my lunch.

    Hunter totally looks like a guinnea pig with the eyes on his chin.

  159. “like some terrible river cruise gone horribly wrong.”
    Oh, man, that made me laugh. At your pain. I often feel guilty about laughing at your pain. Thanks.

  160. If you shave him, he’ll look like one of them Skinny Pigs. I kid you not, it’s a real thing! Good luck on the human shish kabob! (Why does spell check want to change that to hashish-kabob? Is THAT a real thing?) Thank you for all the laughter, even during your roughest of times. I wish you a speedy recovery back to the non-anemic land of the roof vampires.

  161. So sorry about the problems you are having. I had a ferritin level of 4 a while back. I got iron transfusions and it fixed me (mostly). Only weird thing was it was on the same room with cancer patients getting chemo so I got a lot of undeserved sympathy. Good luck

  162. There are pictures of human shish kabobs. It was a popular thing in Romania way back in Vlad Tepes’ day. So the vampire thing looks good too – you have Count Squirrel Dracula on your roof. In other news… I have a large orange cat who sleeps the same way – Tennyson; I’d call him Lord Alfred, but his ego is too big as it is. And he snores – so yeah, totally a guinea pig while he sleeps.

  163. The googley eyes are perfect on Hunter, turning him into a rabbit cat is probably no way to make him happy though.

    You get the worse things, I am on a diet of meat and potatoes, yep, my doctor said that was a-ok. Thankfully I don’t like sweet stuff or carbs very much. hope you find the cause and get better soon. I’m not sure I want to see the internal photos though…just sayin

  164. This is the internet; cat pictures are never inappropriate. Also, awww, kitty, so cute!

  165. I am sorry to hear this Jenny. I hope they get you all figured out soon. I’m sure your anxiety isn’t having this at all.
    Xoxoxoxox

  166. Oh you should definitely get the pictures. For my very brief foray into adulting and being 50, I went and had a colonoscopy a week after my husband. Super romantic, No? They sent us both home with photos, I really really really wanted to do Christmas cards with the pics. My slightly more grown up husband vetoed this awesome idea, but I still have the pictures, and it will happen one day. Sorry you’re feeling poorly, hope things get better soon.

  167. I’m waiting for the explosive diarrhea post based on the prep one has to take. Oh wait! The explosive diarrhea story is from your first (?) book.

  168. I get to be a human shish kebab in June! I, too have wondered if they do the cameras at the same time. Can’t wait to hear the answer. Hope things go well and that you are on the mend soon. Does your dirt allow for garlic on the off chance it is vampires?

  169. I had this done when i was 17 or so. I knew the guy i was dating was a keepee when he stuck around for all the pre testing system clean out. Were married now so i guess it was a pretty good relationship test. The night before was the worst part for me. Make sure u habe lots of reading material and maybe your phone charger in the bathroom. At one point i just dragged my pillows and blanket in and slept in the bath tub to save on time!

  170. Hm. That sounds like what’s going on with me. Seriously anemic “for no particular reason” . Booty cam showed no bleeding. In fact the doctor used the word “perfect” and at this stage of my life, I will take that description applied to any body part, even that one. I’m sleepy all the time, have less than no energy. Left to my own devices, I’d go to work, come home, get into bed and stay there till I have to get up. I also feel nauseous for no reason except for the times when there is a reason so I barf whatever I’ve consumed in the past 12 hours or so. So I know how much fun this is(n’t). Hang in there, and I hope they find an answer for you soon.

  171. I had those 2 tests a year ago. they actually weren’t bad. The only bad part was drinking the poison they give you to clear you out. I’m sure it was poison. But I tricked them, and lived.
    I can’t believe Hunter S — he’s 2 pets in one!!

    Sorry about the horrible food restrictions. Happy for you about the 8 pounds.
    Much much love.

  172. My goodness woman you have all the mess-ups possible. I hope it all goes well but is it possible there are vampires taking your blood? Or maybe OMG VAMPIRE SQUIRRELS! PROTECT YOURSELF!!!

  173. My husband kept pictures of the inside of his colon, plus the inside of my bladder. And pinned them to his bulletin board (physical, not online, thank God).

  174. In a small world twist, I just saw a friend on Facebook post about how their blood levels were far too low and the doctors were trying to figure out where all the missing blood was. It turned out that one of her meds was affecting her blood production functions. She didn’t specify which med it was, but have you considered that your doctor is anti-vampire theory because they are themself a vampire using meds to siphon off your blood?

  175. I had a bleeding ulcer. This makes tons of sense. Enjoy the procedures! They give you Twilight and GIIIRRRRL. IT IS FABULOUS. Best sleep ever.

    You’re gonna be okay. I promise you. ❤❤❤

  176. Not that I dinnt love Hunter S. Tomcat, but how could you miss the opportunity to post an inappropriate shish kabob picture?

  177. Jenny! Hey! That’s exactly what they told me. Actually first they said it’s either leukemia or you have a bleeding ulcer. Then after letting me panic for about 48 hours they realized it wasn’t leukemia and scheduled me for an upper G.I. and a lower G.I. at the same time just in case the ulcer was in my intestines.
    And after that fun day they came back and said “oh sorry, our bad, no ulcer but you do have Celiac Disease. So here’s some prescription iron, plus don’t ever eat even a crumb of wheat barley or rye ever again. KTHXBAI. “. And I was all what the actual cuss will I eat b/c that was way before gluten-free was trendy.
    So if it turns out you have Celiac Disease, I say get a dietitian to help draw up some menus. Yes there’s tons of gluten-free food out there now, but a lot of it’s full of sugar and a bunch of other crap – instead of stressing about what’s safe or not safe, let the dietitian do the work until you get the hang of it.

  178. Booty pipe. Imma start using that. Sending you best wishes and positive thoughts. Also awesomely sharp dentures so you can pretend to be an attic vampire and freak the doctors out.

  179. As one who was missing about half my blood for no apparent reason, I can totally sympathize. I was feeling tired a couple years ago — like really tired, and short of breath, and my ears were ringing — and i foolishly thought i might be a little anemic because I’d packed up my iron pills when we moved to a new house and never found them again. The day after i went for blood work the nurse called me and told me to go immediately to an emergency room and ask for a BLOOD TRANSFUSION! They thought i might be bleeding internally, etc., and after finding no hemmhorage they signed me up for the double invasion/shishkabob colonoscopy/upper GI. Turns out i was anemic because i was all out of B12, which is key to making red blood cells. It’s not hugely uncommon for that absorption mechanism to stop working, evidently. If that is your case it’s good because it’s easily fixable, but you will go from shishkabab to human pincushion, as you will have to get/give yourself B12 shots. More fun and fodder for future blog updates. Hope you get the answers you need and start feeling much better real soon.

  180. Ok but maybe your doctors are the vampires. Let’s think about this…they’re essentially wanting to impale you with a camera. Guess who also dabbled in the impaling business? Vlad III the Impaler. Perhaps liberties were taken with writers using him as source material for the Dracula thing. Or one of your doctors is Vlad Dracula.
    The logic is sound.

  181. Feel better Jenny and you did make me laugh so much that my husband asked what was wrong!!lol

  182. Oh dear god. Only you could turn this situation into something that makes me laugh so hard I shoot rice out of my nose. It didn’t hurt – happens all the time. By the way, wasn’t there a Kevin Smith movie that explores the topic of ass to mouth? I mean this in the purely medical and non sexual way. I mean, using one camera is fine. Better for the environment actually. But there are RULES in which the order that camera will be used. Good luck with ALL the anemias and attic vampires!

  183. I’m sorry to hear of your vampire problems. Does this make your blog sort of a vampire diary???

    Also, is Hunter a catster, chamster, or camster now?? Does that make him Hunter S. Tomcatster/Tomchamster/Tomcamster now?

  184. I wish you continued success and I for one vote for attic vampires every time. Thanks for the laughs!

  185. At least the drugs will be goid for your human shish kabob resume entry.
    I suspect you’re right about the,attic vampires, those bastards. Send the guinea pug after them. They’re terrified of guunea pugs, work better than garlic

  186. I just finished a year long round of twice monthly B12 shots for pernicious anemia . New blood work is great so will move on to daily B12 pills dissolving under tongue . The symptoms very much mimiced hysteria and exhaustion . Head on the table type of pain and very bad thoughts . This is very treatable. And you should see improvement soon . Best wishes your way …..

  187. We may be the same person, Jenny. Let me tell you how it ends:
    Inconclusive. If they find something-a cyst, maybe–it’s benign, but come back for regular testing every 6 months to observe.
    Meanwhile you’re still miserable & everyone’s secretly thinking you’re a hypochondriac.
    And when you start losing weight like a crack addict, they’re not so secretly thinking you’re a crack addict.
    I suggest you begin suing you’re drs now for malpractice bc it’s a conspiracy with the drug manufacturers you’re supporting.
    And tell Victor to buy stock in the drugs you’re taking.
    Get used to taking pills by the handful. It’s faster.
    And remember cat therapy is a real thing.

  188. I have done the human shish kebab… as a fun and exciting stop on the never ending tour of doctors and specialists who can’t figure out what the heck is wrong with me. It’s not so bad, and if you are lucky like me you’ll half wake up as they are pulling out the “booty pipe” one and feel the strangest sensation that will cause you to have weird almost “booty pipe fetish” dreams for years to come! (I don’t think any of us should Google “booty pipe fetish” BTW) Don’t worry! The complete craziness of the dreams will give you endless comedic fodder (although perhaps not to be shared at Victor’s work parties)! As for the Attic Vampires, that would be one of the most logical explanations for all my issues, forget doctors, perhaps I should call in a Vampire Hunter!

  189. My husband had an experience that sounds similar last year, and had to have blood transfusions. It was scary and we had conversations with doctors, probably like you are having, and it sucked and also I wanted to make it very clear to everyone that I wasn’t the one stealing his blood as a secret vampire or something. I mean, who could keep that a secret? Not me. I’d tell everyone. I’m not good with secrets, is what I’m saying.

    Anyway, I wanted to tell you that at the end of our particular scary time it all came to nothing more than needing more iron in his diet and having some time to heal inside ulcers.

    I hope that you get good news too, and as always I’ll be reading.

    Also, I didn’t steal your blood either.

    Do my denials make me sound guilty?

  190. Thank you for keeping your awkward flock updated. I used to work in veterinary medicine, so I live for weird medical photos. I just wish getting to see them didn’t mean you felt so shitty.

    Also, you posting pictures of your furry crew (especially Dorothy) is awesome. I had to put my geriatric dog to sleep almost two months ago and I’m still torn up as hell about it. Our lives and work are just too busy to adopt a new dog until July. I tried to force my cat to be more dog-like in the meantime. But after putting a harness and leash on her, she was like “Bitch, check yourself before I scratch your eyes out.”

    Keep writing when you can, and we’ll keep understanding when you can’t. Sending love from Seattle ❤

  191. Anemia is when you hemoglobin levels are too low. Or, as a coworker with a thick Estonian accent once said to me “You Hemogoblins is too low!” So, you see, it’s not the vampires, it the goblins, the HemoGoblins!

  192. You will go home not remembering anything that they told you in recovery. You might have Victor tape your responses to questions in recovery as well as results they tell you. Like Nora Ephron’s mother told her, “Everything is copy.” It will be hilarious.

  193. A picture of Hunter S Tomcat is always appropriate.

    I had a camera up my booty-hole last August, as I am now old enough that the doctors say “colonoscopy” and I said, “Oh, all right.” I slept through it. Not at all as unpleasant as some said it would be, to be honest.

  194. Ask if you watch the video of the scope. They actually record the whole thing. It’s pretty weird

  195. I went through this with my mom last year. After an emergency blood transfusion, 3 scopes, a camera capsule, a possible ulcer, ulcer ruled out, ill -advised Google searches, and a trip to the hematologist she was diagnosed with an iron deficiency. After 2 IV iron infusions she feels so much better.

    Here’s hoping they fix you up soon.

  196. I got pics of both mine – not on same day. It really isn’t so bad. My esophagus was being an asshole X 9087 and I had even more tests later cause I suspect we’re related. For the “clean-out” make sure you are all set up cozy in the bathroom: phone and charger, blankets, warm/hot decaf tea, hot rice sacks (you get really cold…) etc. Hugs and glad you’re getting some actual answers and betterments!

  197. Waiting for pics (or gifs or vids) with baited breath. Hope all goes well (esp with the prep; I’ve heard it’s glamorous). So glad that there’s a path to recovery for you xx

  198. Please, please live tweet once they give you the drugs. When I had surgery years ago I spent my entire pre-op experience laughing at a guy who was on the same stuff. You’re naturally hilarious so I bet the stuff you’d come up with would have us all in tears.

    Also, as someone who used to work in medical records and saw all the pictures of people’s insides, you might want to post a warning before you share those. The uninitiated can be a bit squeamish.

  199. I hope they can figure out what is causing the missing blood! Hopefully once they figure it out they can get you back on track to having the right amount of blood. 💜

  200. Human shush kabob. Love it. You are so funny and creative!

    Celiac disease is what comes to my mind with the anemia. Good luck with the scopes!

  201. I’m glad you found the humor, because that made me laugh out loud. I bet those vampires who emailed you but wouldn’t let you in their club are to blame. Good luck with the shishkabobbing, and I hope it helps you figure out what to do!

  202. Hoping for the best for you. My husband’s anemia (his hemoglobin and hematocrit were so low, the doctor called us at 8:00 pm and told us to head straight for the ER), and other totally fucked up numbers turned out to be Multiple Myeloma (and kidney failure as a result of the cancer) He’s been in the hospital since March 27, and is currently going through round 3 of chemo. 14 day cycles,, including 96 straight hours of 3 really nasty drugs intravenously. Human shish kabob sound nice right about now.

  203. Ack! I feel your pain Jenny. I have to take prescription strength vitamins to keep the anemias away. I have had both ends scoped and they are now looking at my thyroid for Hashimotos. I wish you luck and answers in your digestive systems cinematic journey!

  204. Dag nab attic vampires! Leave Jenny alone! We love her and need her to be well! Well, “well” is subjective in this tribe, but, at least get you back to a state of having all the blood you are supposed to have! Sending so much love, light and hugs to you and to all who need them!

  205. Thanks for the chuckle! And in other good news department, I received “you are here” today!!! Thank you thank you!

  206. That was a hilarious pic of your cat. You and your book “You Are Here” helped me get through a hip replacement this month, so thanks very much. And I recommended your books to anyone who would listen.

  207. I have been scoped both ways before. It is the much-lesser-known (and less fun) three-way. I highly recommend the real way…well not for you Jenny, you are happily married.

  208. I had to do the colonoscopy (to rule pout cancer or chrons or ibs) and endoscopy (to check for bleeds or celiac the same day. The worst part is the prep. The best
    part was figuring out why I was anemic and vitamin deficient. It was celiac.

  209. I had to do the colonoscopy (to rule pout cancer or chrons or ibs) and endoscopy (to check for bleeds or celiac the same day. The worst part is the prep. The best
    part was figuring out why I was anemic and vitamin deficient. It was celiac.

  210. Have had the colonoscopy, not a barrel of laughs, but not too horrible. You called it a river cruise and I immediately thought of the Jungle Cruise at Dizzyland, a real E ticket ride. Don’t let the guide with the revolver (and blanks?) perforate anything, you have enough problems. What would a jungle cruise from endo to colon be like? A fantastic voyage I bet.

  211. I have this problem, too! Lots of missing blood, but had not considered the attic vampires. Will keep an eye out for those. As unpleasant as it sounds to be a human shish kebob, I hope you get some answers. I love all your books and am a huge fan of your blog.

  212. I have this problem, too! Lots of missing blood, but had not considered the attic vampires. Will keep an eye out for those. As unpleasant as it sounds to be a human shish kebob, I hope you get some answers. I love all your books and am a huge fan of your blog. I hope you feel better soon.

  213. I’ve had the up the butt camera gig done, the drugs are really good… the shit you take to clean your shit out (literally) before-hand however, can cause atypical migraines. Which happened to me. They took an MRI of my head and said hey you’re brain’s fine but your sinuses are so fucked up we’re putting you on this wicked combo of antibiotics, which made me so sick I lost ten pounds and couldn’t get off the sofa for over a week. Which sucks when you’re only 100 lbs to begin with. Hey, I guess as a rah rah cheering you up thing this isn’t so hot, my bad. But, the drugs were really good… 😉

  214. “Bitch, you are all the way fucked up.” This TOTALLY needs to be on a shirt or coffee cup. I have people I would give this to.

  215. I have been a human shish kabob on more than one occasion. while I am sure the cameras are different and don’t actually meet I think you should ask just to be sure. Ask as soon as they put the meds in the IV that way you can blame it all on the drugs if they look at you funny. Neither procedure is too bad but the prep really sucks. All the good luck for finding out what is actually wrong.

  216. When I was 15, I was having chronic pain in my lower right abdomin. The doctors couldn’t figure out the cause, so I was subjected to a barium enema, in which they shoved a tube up my butt and injected radioactive liquid into my intestines, then took x-rays to see if there was a blockage or other problem.. This was done while I was fully awake. The worst part was that one of the technicians was totally hot. He was the one who helped me turn over while the tube was still up there so that they could take X-rays from different angles. He was very sweet and polite. When it was over he told me that I would probably have diarrhea for a few hours, then he left so that I could get dressed. There should be a punch line here, but I don’t have one. I just wanted to share an embarrassing medical-related story. The doctor decided my appendix was rotten so it was removed a couple of weeks later. Two years later I started having the same pains. The mystery was never resolved and I have been fine since. But I will never forget the embarrassment of that barium enema and will never get one again!

  217. Oh, oh, I was a human shish kabob! The prep was the worst part. I got tired of yelling at my family, “get out of the bathroom–I’m on a shitting schedule!” and the drink was all kinds of bad, but after the procedure you get to spend time in the fart room making beautiful music out of your anus with other heavily sedated people and that’s pretty special.

  218. My takeaway from reading this is that all those glasses of water are half-FULL, not half-empty. I hear that’s a good thing. Hoping you’re better and running with a full tank of blood soon.

  219. I so hope they discover its just some super easy to fix thing that makes all the blood magically come back. Also, would love to see the pics so then I can tell all my friends how I got to see inside Jenny Lawson, and then they will give me that look that says “OMG! Seriously, WTF is wrong with you?” Sending good vibes and hugs your way!

  220. Being anemic will explain a LOT of stuff. Finding out why, and dealing with it will take care of a lot of stuff. Glad that someone figured that out for you. Sending tons of Healthy Mojos!

  221. I can’t read all the posts because you’re so damn popular so someone may have suggested this already but I hope they will look for Celiacs Disease when they do their exams. Actually, insist on it. Many of your symptoms and lab work could relate to it. The drugs they give you basically put you out so just enjoy the nap!!

  222. I had both those tests done at the same time. They did one first and then the other. My scope was down my throat though, not my nose. I don’t remember a thing thanks to the lovely “milk of amnesia” (Propofol). Good luck!!! I love how you manage to find the humor in everything!!!

  223. If they only use one and don’t wash it, just hope that they do the nose one first.

  224. Man, you are one tough, funny cookie to be making so much humorous hay out of all this crap. I have a weird blood thing too. Basically sat in a chair for a year til they figured it out. Bad news: a rare, incurable cancer. Good news: treatable!! I figure if you have to have a rare, incurable cancer, treatable is the way to go. Doing fine now, and wishing you also a quick trip to Doing Fine. Real soon now.

  225. Wow. Good luck with the kabob thing. I am no stranger to medical tests myself as I have been chronicling on my own blog lately so I feel your pain. I know you have had more than your share of medical issues, Jenny. I am so happy that you are keeping your sense of humor. You are an inspiration.

  226. Omg….your mega disasters always help me feel relatively lucky and also to laugh my ass off, which is also a good way to lose a few pounds off my booty.

  227. I was quite anemic in my 20’s and 30’s, my doctor asked if I was of Mediterranean decent, I guess it can be hereditary. I’m what I call “Heinz 57” but the one thing I am confident of I’m not related to anyone from the Mediterranean part of the world. I ended up taking iron pills for a long time, menopause cured my anemia. But a couple of times I was seriously at such low levels they considered blood transfusion but I just tripled up on my iron without side effects thankfully. I hope you start to feel your old self again soon.

  228. Thanks for making me giggle today.
    Never forget: Life is tough, but so are you!!! <3

  229. Didn’t you have a scam artist email you previously about becoming a vampire though??

  230. JENNY WHAT IF IT’S A DRUNK CHUPACABRE THAT MISTOOK YOU FOR A GOAT?! Like, I’m sure the whole story of how it accidentally targeted you and then wiped your memory would be hilarious /but only the chupacabre knows/.

  231. I hope they DO find a slow bleed to answer your issues. That is typically something that can be fixed. However, if your B12 and your Iron levels are ok and you are still anemic, you will next need to go to a Hematologist. I went thru the same thing several years ago. Not good.

  232. Now I’m picturing Victor following you all around the house yelling about finding more of your god-dam blood all over the place and then you being able to respond with, “See?? I TOLD you we needed more towels!!!” And then there would be another metal chicken in the front yard and Beyonce would have a friend.
    I cannot believe I just typed that.

  233. They did this to me a couple of years ago. Good part: totally out the whole time. Lousy part: there was ‘nothing wrong’ so I was right back where I started and nobody knew any more about why I feel so awful than before. I do hope the doctors had a good time though. There must be something positive about it. Of course, one of the doctors decided to retire a few months later. I’m not saying it’s my fault, but still…

  234. Hey there. My daughter and I both have those tests often for a digestive issue. And weve had those tests together. Drugs are excellent. Tell them you want to be completely out. You wont feel anything at all as ling as they do that. Slight sore throat afterwards. Some cramping from Gas after bootys one. Different scopes…lol But its the best way to figure out whats up. Hopes it’s something easy peasy to fix so you feel better soon!!! Keep us updated, we care!!!

  235. I recommend getting knocked out completely if you can. At the very least, make sure it’s not a trainee. I had a scope down the throat for samples when I was anemic and the guy was a trainee and it took forever, I was a wreck afterwards! {hugs}

  236. Hey Goddess I went through what you are going through! They had me swallow a camera and it found nothing. Let me tell you why? When you are anemic you do not produce the cells to create blood. So good news YOU HAVE NOT BEEN BITTEN BY A VAMPIRE! BAD NEWS is the fear of what if I don’t swallow this camera. Better news is iron taken properly with vitamin c and B 12 will kick Anemia’s but and help build back to the kick ass goddess you were meat to be.
    Anemia is a disease so you want to keep it in check!

  237. The scopes are not that bad, and even if they are, the magic of amnesiac drugs makes you not remember a thing. Like having an atypical reaction to benzos and trying to punch out my gastroenterologist! If they can’t see anything with those (there’s a good chunk of the middle they can’t reach with either), there’s always a Pill-cam, which is sort of awesome, I now have full-color video of my entire GI tract, teeth-to-tail. You just do the prep, swallow a camera the size of a vitamin, and wear a big goofy electronic Sumo belt for a day. You will probably hate lemon Gatorade forever, though.

  238. Thank you!! I went to bed just now thinking maybe I won’t wake up in the morning I’m so scary sick right now and my cancer surgery leg is trying to bust out of my skin like a fat sausage trying to escape from itself by swelling out of control for no reason. So if I don’t wake up, I leave this note as record that I had a big laugh at Hunter S. Angry Guinea Pig the night I fled my body. You will get through your oscopies with the loopy drugs, and I will probably wake up, though maybe unable to walk, which would suck. Here’s to no pain and no emergencies and the power of Silly. Thank you!

  239. Love the second pic of your cat! Mine do the same thing but means that it is time to get off my ass and rub their bellies. On another scarier note,. I just went though the same things yesterday up to and not including the bleeding ulcer and you as a human shish kabob. New (more) meds and found out that it was one of my sleeping pills that makes my mouth so dry that they stick to my teeth! Now, being a talker, this becomes a large hinderence to talk incessantly to my walls. Drives me crazy when I cannot talk to the walls! Or should I say MORE CRAZY?!?!?

    On another note, just reached the picture of the “leaf” from your book (have already completed and framed and hung on walls the previous ones from your book. ANYWAY, when I went to my therapist this last week, she said something very similar to what you wrote on the edges of the leaf. Maybe this is sign of change and improvement of my brokeness. Maybe I can overcome this fatigue and get out of bed for a while. I will color the (our) leaf with as much gusto that would make you proud…..

    Jenny, thanks for being here and hang in there….this too shall pass.

  240. This made me laugh out loud. It’s encouraging to hear your tales and trials and know that you’re still hanging in for the long haul. Thank you. PS – he really does look like an angry ginuea pig!

  241. I’ve had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, though not at the same time. That’s a special type of adventure I’d be find missing out on. (The endoscopy was nbd, and same with the actual colonoscopy procedure, though the day of prep for the colonoscopy was…hard.) It’ll all be over before you know it, though. Wishing you well!

  242. Hah – pictures of Hunter are always appropriate, girl! Especially with guinea pig eyes.

    (Best wishes for good info on the tests…)

  243. Oh my god, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but thank you so much for finding the humor in it. I weirdly cannot wait to see photos of your insides now.

  244. Oh my god, he totally looks like a guinea pig! And, I’ve had anemia for around 15 years. When I was first correctly diagnosed with that, they couldn’t actually find any iron in my body on the test, lol. So I was iron-less according to lab results. It’s manageable for me for the most part, but sometimes stupid things will throw it off easily like poor sleeping (I’ve also suffered from insomnia for 16 years so that happens A LOT), or stress (that also happens A LOT). I have to be diligent to be healthy. Which sucks, but it could be a lot worse for me 🙂

  245. Woman, you are working off some incredibly bad karma in a spectacular fashion!

  246. I’ll bet it was Brad … he ruins everything… (probably still pissed you didn’t cut him in from the profits on the vampire mugs….

  247. Girl, I am in the same boat with you. I have been almost diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease called Wegener’s. (Almost because we still have a few more tests and biopsies and specialists take forever to get into.) The bleak part is when reading up on it and it tells you that you have abut two years from diagnosis to live if not taken care of. I have been dealing with this for at least 8 years. I describe autoimmune as your body trying to commit suicide, but forgot to tell your brain.

  248. For a year I had this crazy ass bee buzzing noise in my left ear. It drove me insane. After doctors and tests and doctors and tests for over a year – they finally agreed to do sinus surgery – but called it “voluntary” because apparently – bees buzzing to the point of insanity- is not a medical excuse for surgery. Anyhoo, pre-op blood work revealed a 7.6 hemoglobin and my doctor called me freaking out because I guess I should’ve been passed out and he wanted to give me blood? I was busy at work when he called and I was like “you’re cancelling my surgery? But what about the BEES?!?!!!!” Fast forward six months – iron therapy and eating foods I didn’t even realize I had iron in them – bees are gone. So I guess I wasn’t listening to my body very well and it decided to start screaming at me!
    Good luck to you! I feel amazing now…. I had no idea how bad I felt – it was my “normal”
    You’ll feel so much better!

  249. i have been doing keto since sept and have lost 80 pounds. also the inflammation that tormented me is mostly gone as is my depression and most of my anxiety. i dont do it perfectly. i take little vacations. i have a huge veggie garden and an orchard so i do walk thru my garden and have a banana or a mango or some strawberries and i will pick some carrots soon and i will eat them. last year i could barely walk though so there is that. good luck hunny it will be ok.

  250. My god, I so love your stuff! Keep it coming, for those of us who often find ourselves sharing the same boat with you.

  251. Well, that gives a whole new meaning to ” root-rooting”. Good luck on your tests.

  252. Adorable Hunter is adorable. Cats can just sleep in any position, huh? I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of this… Last time I needed an endoscopy I wimped out and wouldn’t let them do it. You are braver then me.

  253. Fucking blood bullshit! Blood is supposed to just flow through your body and make you a person but yours just wants to be too haywire!
    I really hope they get you all sorted out and put that blood back where it belongs without all the anemias!
    The shish kabob procedure should help. I really hope you start feeling better very soon!

  254. The only reasonable explanation is Vampires ? Did you not sign up to join a vampire cult not to long ago ?? Obvs your membership has been accepted ! I want in if I can lose more then 5lbs ! Send me an invite sister ! In the meantime feel better & we all love you & are sending super good vibes your way ! Xoxox

  255. I send you a big hug like the ones we give friends that we haven’t seen in a while and seeing them again makes you realize how dearly they are missed. Your writing lifts me every day. Thank you.

  256. See Jenny, this is what happens when you mess with vampires. You thought you’d hidden your identity in those emails but they were able to track you with their sonar or doppler or whatever they have. Either that or Brad clued them into your whereabouts. Please fumigate your attic and never email those vampires again. Oh, and please start feeling better soon!

  257. My grandma had all that blood loss as a fun symptom of lupus. Apparently when your body tries to be a werewolf, you lose blood into thin air. No ulcer needed. Do you think that you can get a special certificate for actually being a werewolf?

  258. First, I’m sorry you’re anemic. Been there, done that. Second, that picture of Hunter is already perfect without the googly eyes and I am stealing it to use on my jigsaw puzzle app.

  259. Maybe it’s small vampires, like bedbugs and mosquitoes? Try to attract a couple of spiders and see if you see dead mini-vamps in the webs.

  260. Maybe muttering “bloody ulcer”under your breath will be vaguely British and hence, more fun. Also, swearing!

  261. Good luck! And I, personally, can’t wait for photos. I always make the doctors/techs/stalkers show me the images they take, because who doesn’t want to see themselves from the inside? That’s where the beauty resides. Supposedly. According to Dove commercials.

  262. Had a similar shish-kabobing a couple years ago to find the source of a nasty stomach infection. The procedure was not awful (I was unconscious), but I was pretty loopy the rest of the day. They did find what was wrong, and were able to find the right meds to fix it. I hope yours goes as well.

  263. I had anemia a little while ago and my doctors suspected a bleeding ulcer so they did a colonoscopy and found out that that was the cause. All I had to do was take a pill everyday for my ulcer and a pill everyday for my anemia (iron) and that was it. I was even able to stop them both after a while. Now they just check my blood once a year. That was my second colonoscopy, and I’ve also had an endoscopy, which is when they put a tube down your throat to check from that direction. The colonoscopy itself is really no big deal, but the “prep” the night before is NOT FUN, I won’t lie. But you’ll get through it. And I don’t know about going through the nose, but the endoscopy wasn’t a big deal either except my throat hurt for several days after. As someone else who has a very sensitive body that might be trying to kill me, at least with this latest issue of yours they can probably find the cause and the cure. So many things we’re just told to live with.

  264. Hang in there Jenny! My friend has been doing an Auto-Immune Paleo diet for a few months now. She’s narcoleptic and had high indicators of rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetes, thyroid condition,etc. After being on it, not only did she lose weight but all her illness indicators came down. It may work for you or not but I wanted to share. I hope you feel better soon! You always make me smile and laugh and I appreciate that so much!

  265. ok I think I have a plausible explanation for the blood loss. the brotherhood accepted brad Dinglemen into their ranks and he’s been secretly draining you for trying to get him expelled. In reality I hope u feel better and get it worked out for goos.

  266. What if they are vampire squirrels? (Hey, Sharknado people: I own the copyright on the vampire squirrels movie, “Nuts for Blood” and ALL it’s sequels & prequels!)

    Will there be wallet size photos on Zazzle? Or maybe a coloring book. A coloring book of MAZES! “Find your way through the Bloggess’s respiratory system and digestive system and unlock the Booty-Pipe maze!”

    I’m pretty sure your genius is rubbing off on me! Take that, Victors of the world!

  267. Oh my god, he really does look like a guinea pig. How did you even see that without the eyes on there? I’m really conflicted about this post, because it sounds horrible, but you’re so damned funny.

  268. I just finished furiously happy and, considering last night the thoughts that made me happy were suicidal thoughts, it really had an impact on myself. This post might be the wrong place for this but whatever, thank you.

  269. You do like to go that extra mile, don’t you? When I had a scope done in search of stomach ulcers, I’m happy to say I didn’t have a camera shoved up my booty-pipe! The nose one was bad enough (Sorry, I mean it was super fun. You haven’t had it done, yet, have you?).

    Looking forward to your pictures. I saw mine and I’ll tell you, those ulcers looked like the worst case of acne ever. #pizzafacestomach

    Hoping it all goes well, Ms. Kabob.

  270. I regularly had ‘tired blood” as a young adult. Anemia, high white cell counts, low grade fevers just in general. After having surgery on my deviated septum to correct a blockage in nasal passage, I lost too much blood and had to get a blood transfusion. It was close to a month before I was fully recovered from the whole ordeal. But once recovered I felt better than I had ever my entire life. I was so full of energy it was unbelievable. Everyone noticed this and we would have a laugh that I must have gotten a basketball player-athlete’s blood in the transfusion. I would strongly recommend a blood transfusion of Vit-C infusion to anyone with “tired blood”. Oh yeah, I did find out (after the fact), one reason I lost so much blood at the time of surgery was I had a Vit-K deficiency, which prevented my blood from clotting.

  271. Hi Jenny,
    I know it is is a small chance you will get to read this (you are extremely famous), but I just want to tell you that your books give me hope. It also has given me the idea that one day I too can one day put my unconventional thoughts and childhood down on paper to maybe bring some ounce of laughter to someone who needs it. From a fellow Texas girl stuck in Wisconsin. P.S My daughter and I recently ran into a giant metal chicken when visiting Sturtevant, WI. Made me wonder if Beyonce still existed and if she had any familiars in Wisconsin? I wanted to attach the picture, but unfortunately I can’t through through the comments. I named him Earl. He was so kind and selfless that a bird had nested in him.

  272. I just can’t read all the comments, but would like to point out that you did a book tour a couple months ago, and therefore I got to meet you! I think doing the tour is a pretty big deal.

  273. I have never understood why people with F’d up brains also often have F’d up bodies. That is really messed up. I have considered suing my mother. Get Well Girl!!!!

  274. Maybe 2-in-one-pets should be a new thing. For people who get super anxious about making decisions. “But do I want a turkey, or a pony!?” Now, for a limited time, you can get both at once! (I don’t know what that would look like, but I imagine a pony with the coolest hair).

    Wishing you all the best!

  275. My doctor wants me to do the shish kabob thing. I have Crohn’s so I check the inside from time to time. Most important thing is Always Say Yes to Drugs. Drugs make a colonoscopy interesting. (I was going to write ‘fun’ but that’s an exaggeration.)

  276. What can I cay Jenny? You re one of my reasons for not having a reason not to smile even in the toughest of times.
    I’m always gonna have you in my prayers.

    Love

  277. I had a recent visit with my GI doc and there was a pamphlet for a procedure where you swallow a pill with a camera (no shit!). You can then leave the office with something strapped to you that sends the images back to the doctor. When the pill has finished its trip, it just gets flushed when you go to the bathroom. It’s just like that movie where the people shrink and travel through the body. I’m going to look into it for my next scope! Fun, fun, fun.

  278. I too needed upper and lower GI scopes done. However, since you need to be anesthetized, my insurance will only allowed one procedure per one round of anesthesia. Seems REALLY dumb to have to knock a person out twice rather than once), but there you go. So. Maybe you won’t be a total Shish Kabob at all….more that a corn dog on a stick?

  279. Good luck, Jenny! I too have done the “spinner” with both ends (different tube, not simultaneously), and it wasn’t too bad. Like most people have said, the prep is the worst part. I didn’t get to keep any pictures, but I did wake up three times during the procedure. First, was during the endoscope so that sucked, but my very nice (pediatric) doctor sang me an Indian lullaby to put me back to sleep (plus some anesthesia, I’m assuming). The second time, during the colonoscopy, I was facing the monitor and said very loudly “well THAT’S gross” and passed back out. Then the third time, I was apparently getting impatient because I asked “are you guys friggen done yet, I’m hungry”.

    All in all, I got an extra muffin after waking up because the nurse thought I was hilarious, so it wasn’t too bad!

  280. i know this is an obnoxious comment….but are the doctors looking at side effects of RA medication? (i think I remember reading in your book that you had RA). For trexall side effects they even use the word Fog to describe how folks feel. I’ve had personal experience where doctors don’t consider drug side effects/interactions when trouble shooting problems. (one of the first things Mayo clinic does with new patents is take them off all drugs).

    Less obnoxious (maybe) As far as colonoscopies….as I was waking up from my colonoscopy I apparently felt the need to announce in a very loud voice to everyone that i was farting.

  281. And here I’m whiny because I have to get an Xray on my hand which isn’t nearly as intrusive. Well, not as intrusive to your body that is. It intrudes on my life though, you have to CALL to make the appointment, you have to BEG for time off from the never-has-issues boss, then you have to DRIVE to the appt, then you have to WAIT, then the doctor leaves a message, you to have to CALL to make that appointment, then you have BEG….. all that shit just to be told, “I dunno.”

    The doctor put a flag on my test referral, “Call if appointment not made in 10 days.” Yep, the doc got called. sigh

    I would say I don’t need that hand but it’s my left hand and while I’m not a lefty I have learned to be a lefty since my right hand doesn’t want to work anymore. Which of course begs the question why isn’t the Xray on the right hand? Personally I think the problem is after 49 years of just being along for the ride, the left hand is pissed off at having to do so much work. That sure as heck ain’t showing up on an Xray.

    Maybe it is attic vampires. I lack an attic, but I’m sure that doesn’t stop them.

  282. Heh. I got my uterus scoped when my doc thought I had endometriosis, and I remember the video showed these black growths, which were in fact endometriosis. Gak. I hope your intestines and stuff are prettier than that.

  283. Thanks for making me laugh every day! My husband used to do that until he traded me in for a younger, slimmer model who had more earning power. So then I needed even more laughs. So – thanks! 😘

  284. I’ve just had the “up one pipe and down the other”, but they couldn’t see in the middle. Don’t know if your doctor is better than mine (mine was pretty damn good) – or you might have to swallow a mini camera (like I did) to get the pretty pictures of the middle bit.

    Good luck with the procedure – was simple and pain free for me. One little needle and I woke up a few hours later done!

  285. You are amazing – I never expected (though I should have) to laugh at the end of this post.
    Maybe they can do a FB live session????

    j/k best of luck with your tests…………………….

  286. Hmm. Missing blood…missing blood…If I were blood where would I go missing?…

  287. Something to look into for your pernicious anemia is vitamin B12 injections. I have a good friend with PA and has one once a month. They make all the difference for her. I can’t remember the scientific reasons why it works but I know it changed her life (in a good way just to be clear).

    Thank you for sharing your writing, your humor, your animal art, your drawings, your struggles, your truth and your heart. I can’t tell how much all the work you do has meant to me (I’m kinda lying about the I can’t part but it would be way to long and this supposed to be a comment on a post and it’s already too long; plus it would probably end up sounding creepy-fan like; I mean I am a fan forsure but creepy-fan thing isn’t my thing).

    I have stupid body too and so does my 17 year old daughter (my fault my genes). I have Lupus and stuff (because of course
    autoimmune stuff always comes with other stuff) and my daughter has POTS and some other stuff. I’m so sorry for your health issues and the struggles you have been through but thank you for sharing it means so much to me. Most people don’t get it if they haven’t expirienced having thier body fail them in the specific way autoimmune stuff causes. My daughter and I love making fun of our selfs and each other, finding the humor in the hard stuff is truely essential. So of course we both love you and your work. We also love going to estate sales and thrift stores and collecting odd things (my daughter has me take down some of my favorite things when new friends come over; she thinks I take odd a little too far) so how could we not
    love you.

    Okay, sorry, I’m stopping now. This was supposed to be short and sweet but too much to say and I’m also avoiding a horrid task on my todo list today.

    Thank you for sharing your spoons with the world. I know it’s not easy work your doing and so much harder when you have a
    jerk of a body and then people say things like you should try taking a nap every day and I bet you won’t get so tired or feel so bad or like try B12 shots they cure everything (but I seriously think you should look into it; If doc says they don’t think it will help ask if it could be harmful in anyway to you and if not then maybe see if it helps you). It is good they are investigating the cause. I think they will come back with the results and tell you that you have the very rare Cookie Deficiency Syndrome (CDF) and you need to have cookies in your purse at all times so if you feel weak or have pain just have a bite and it eliminate your symptoms (I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed CDF).

    I think I now look like a creepy-fan (I swear I’m not I’m very nice, often told too nice but I’m working on that).
    I’m writing this on my phone and its acting weird i can’t really see what I’m writting so hopefully you can actually read it. Sorry in advance.
    I’ve had a colonoscopy recently and always heard people say how awful they were I was a little nervous but it was no big deal. Could be because I have become a professional when it comes to having medical procedures done. I’m sure you are too so don’t sweat it. There was one part that was actually hard for me and that was the not eating before hand so schedule it in the morning if you can (mine was at 4pm and was so hungry and thirsty). The other thing is I would highly recommend have someone video having a conversation with you when your in the post procedure room because they give you a drug that makes you hilarious. They will make you have someone take you to the appointment and take you home so make sure that person can be trusted not to forget to do it and that you can trust not to share it if you start telling all your deepest darkest secrets. My daughter made me promise to do that for her when she had a procedure done last year and it was hilarious. We watched it for weeks and everyone she showed it to was laugh crying.
    Thank you again for all you do a

  288. I hope you get to be “bottom” (pun intended) of what’s causing you to be so ill. I do love how you put a fun spin on it though. I try to live life the same way. Loving your blog. Looking forward the most introspective insta post ever lol

  289. Oh my god, is it possible that way back when you were trying to join the vampire club, you actually did become a vampire and that’s why you’re anemic? This feels like it could be the answer, but I’ve had a couple of margaritas so…

  290. Great pics. And your instructions for the wish list a few days before were great my list has been sitting nearly empty and I didn’t have a clue it could be open for gifting, to me from others. Wow, of course even though I possess modern tech I just came out of my mental cave a few months ago when I was pullin’ a hard dark stretch and listened to your book Furiously Happy. It helped me realize maybe I don’t have to live in a cave, cause I can laugh at myself if you can. Your Amazing. I actually have a greeting card sooo old school, yet, do have a regular PO Box for fan mail? Promise nothing as creepy as Kings #1 fan. But super cute weird animal original made by the library greeting card!

  291. Don’t know if this is of any help & I hesitate to share it, but I have RA & have struggled with anemia in the past due to the disease. After a lot of scary tests they discovered my kidneys were failing to capture iron so they put me on Procrit for a few years to get me back into a safe level & maintain. Eventually I stabilized without the need for Procrit. Thought it was worth mentioning. It was a hematologist who figured out what was going wrong. (At the lowest point I was at 6.8 iron level.) I hope you discover a fix soon. I remember how at the time I would have to rest just from taking a shower. You have my sympathy!

  292. I am just back to work in the last week after dealing with something that has similar symptoms. My pain was intense and more to the side of my abdomen, and the doctor speculation included lots of exciting things with names I don’t feel like spelling right now. After the ultrasound, transvaginal ultrasound, and other acronym-type scans, docs decided to drain the fluid that was creating this giant tummy protrusion that was actually not just muffin-top. So I had the best-ever time getting this giant drain inserted in my stomach area, and then got to enjoy all the colonoscopy prep in the hospital where it was mission-critical just getting out of bed and getting to the toilet. And yes, I was not always successful on those frequent journeys, so let’s just close our minds to remembering that hospitals are dirty dirty places where sick people absolutely should not stay long because, you know, germs. Definitely a shitty journey all around.

    Apparently drainage was not the solution because a week later, I had to go back to the hospital where instead of using already available entry points like they did in your case, they punched 3 new holes in the tummy area for camera entry to get the lay of the land. Guess they found something worth investigating because they sliced me down the middle, danced around with my intestines, bowel, and colon, and I’m still not quite clear on which of those they decided was the true culprit. In any case, they cut out a chunk of one of them and sewed the ends back together, added a new drain hole, stapled me back together, and decided that I was cured. I remember absolutely none of this. I’m apparently the opposite of you, as I was scared of drugs so I tried to never press the magic button of pain relief during recovery, until one of the docs told me that was stupid (he used nicer words but clearly that was the message) because my body needed relief from pain to heal. So then, yeah, that button was pushed like it was a slot machine and I was intent on spending every nickel in the bottom of my purse.

    Something they did seems to have worked and all my tests came back negative for scary diseases, yet the docs still seemed stumped as to why all my insides seemed so irritated. But I felt it was important to leave them with some mystery to solve and since I am rarely externally irritated, maybe everything built up on the insides of me. Whatever, I still have remarkably low blood pressure. And since I guess all my blood was wandering around my insides instead of going where blood is supposed to go, the slice and dice and repair job cured the anemia that was discovered somewhere in the testing process. (At first, I tried to blame the lab techs for my low hemoglobin counts because I was convinced that is where all my blood was going, but the docs weren’t buying that. Bu geez, those folks took a lot of samples. I was someone’s blood bank for sure.)

    So here’s to your positive outcome. Docs are awesome even if they have to spend way too much time in hospitals. Because I am telling you, it sucks to be around all those sick people and all those bacteria just waiting for the right host. Get well. You are loved.

  293. I love how you keep your sense of humor about such tough situations. I guess it is that or go completely nutty. I have a feeling this will be me soon as well.

  294. Thank you for taking the time to make us laugh even while you’re going through all of this.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: