stuff better left unpublished – Page 2

Jesus. The google searches I’m going to get for this one…

Facebook just suggested I wanted to see a story entitled: “Man arrested for breaking into funeral home to perform sexual act on female corpse” My first thought was, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, FACEBOOK. That is NOT the kind of weird shit I want to know about and I really don’t appreciate what you’re implying.” My secondContinue reading “Jesus. The google searches I’m going to get for this one…”

I’m a murderer. Sort of.

Remember a few weeks ago when I confessed that I can’t keep a houseplant alive, but then somehow managed to accidentally grow a plant in my pantry when a sweet potato went rogue? And then I gave it googley eyes and a name? Well it turns out I can’t even keep a yam alive because – inContinue reading “I’m a murderer. Sort of.”

Mama Paquita: “Why would a baby need a sombrero?” and other problematic questions.

This isn’t a real post. It was a rambling email I was writing to my sister and then it sort of got away from me and so I decided to flesh it out and share it here because maybe we weren’t the only ones who were taught this song in school. You can ignore it ifContinue reading “Mama Paquita: “Why would a baby need a sombrero?” and other problematic questions.”

I have an orange thumb.

I just found this in my pantry: I can’t keep a houseplant alive to save my life but I can make my sweet potatoes grow into unwanted plants with literally no effort at all. I can only imagine this means I have some sort of super power which allows me to drain the life of fern and transfer it’sContinue reading “I have an orange thumb.”

My cat is alive and makes me feel like an asshole

Conversation with the exterminator about my 16+ year old cat: Exterminator: Ma’am? I’m afraid you have a dead cat in your living room. me: Oh, he’s not dead. He’s just really old. Exterminator: I’m sorry, ma’am, but this cat is dead. me: He’s just fucking with you. He sleeps with his eyes open. Posey: MEOW.Continue reading “My cat is alive and makes me feel like an asshole”

I have no fucking idea what I’m doing (UPDATED: I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing, but I feel much better about it.)

I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. Like, ever. Last week I met with my shrink, and she told me I need to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I think this is excellent advice for people who are grown-ups, and who have 401ks, and clean, matching socks,Continue reading “I have no fucking idea what I’m doing (UPDATED: I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing, but I feel much better about it.)”