The Bloggess

An actual, abridged email conversation I have been having for weeks now:

Him: Dear thebloggess, our client enjoy your post on travel. We will create guest content for you. We will pay 25 dollar for do-follow link. Please confirm within 24 hours. We are very busy.

me: Sorry, we don’t do that. Please remove me from your list.

Him: We will create more important content for you. We will pay 30 dollars. For 30 dollars you will publish our guest post with do-follow link.

me: For $30 I will go outside and yell out your link to the squirrels in my yard.

Him: Our travel posts will be enjoy by your audience. We will pay 20 dollars for two do-follow links.

me: Did you just go *down* in price? This is not how negotiating works. The squirrels will not be pleased. Seriously, please remove me from your list. I don’t even write a travel blog. Thanks.

Him: We will provide the travel content. 2 posts for 20 dollars is 40 dollars. Please confirm today.

Him: You have not responded. Please confirm our agreement.

Him: You have not responded. This is a valuable service for you and your audience. Here is good content for you and your audience. Please respond.

me: Here is a photo of Wil Wheaton collating for you and your client. Please do not respond.

Him: I am busy man. Let’s get this done today. We will pay you 35 dollars for one do-follow link in archived post. Please send invoice.

me: I will charge you $1,00,000 for a video of me explaining what “no” means. I will yell your link at the squirrels for free. Please see invoice attached: $1,00,000 for wasting both of our time. Squirrel fee waived. Payable immediately.

Him: I have receive permission to raise link price to 37 dollars.

me: Am I on a prank show? Because it’s sort of gone from annoying to entertaining at this point. You are winning me over. Price dropped to $50,000 for video of me explaining what “no” means.

Him: Let us be serious. 37 dollars is fair price. If client is happy we will continue campaign for future.

me: You’ll continue the campaign I’ve already said no to eleventy times? Marvelous! Wait, no, I mean…insane. And now it’s moved from entertaining back to annoying. This was fun but I’m blocking you. Good luck. The squirrel say hi.

*******

Slightly related: Once or twice a year I open up my sidebar ads for people or small businesses who want to advertise their book or art or blog or instagram or whatever else you love. It’s just $100 a month for a text ad on my right-hand sidebar and they’re first-come first-served until I run out of spaces, which go fast. Email me at advertising@thebloggess.com if you want in. Graphic ads like the ones underneath the text ads start at $300 a month depending on size and location. Go visit the people currently advertising on my sidebar because they are awesome (for real) and they keep the servers running and I adore them.

And if you have a shop or product or want to advertise something you love but don’t have the cash to do it right now then just leave a shout-out in the comments for whatever you think could do with more eyes on it. We’re all in this together, y’all.

Love!

Just a reminder that all the food you panic-bought at the beginning of the pandemic has expired.

PS. If this is relatable content go move the stuff from the wash into the dryer (or rewash them if you can’t remember when you washed them), call to get your meds refilled, drink some water and plug in your mouse/headphones/phone so it can charge. I had more I was going to say but I can’t because my mouse is at 2% and is about to die and I think that’s a sign I need to take a break.

Yesterday I found Squirrely Temple splayed out and unconscious on the dirt under the tree she usually perches on to chatter menacingly at me for existing.

This is squirrely Temple being her normal self, for comparison:

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I thought maybe she’d fainted from heatstroke so I grabbed some water to pour over her but when I got close she rolled over on her side and growled at me.

I was still worried though so I looked up “what do I do if my squirrel has heat stroke?” and google was like, “Did you mean to ask: ‘IS YOUR SQUIRREL SPLOOTING?‘”

I was like, “I absolutely was not” but I still clicked on it and turns out that tons of people are finding seemingly dead squirrels splayed out in their yards and it’s become so common that there is a name for it. Squirrel Splooting. Google assures me that seeing squirrels splooting is very normal during heat waves because they press their bellies to the the cooler ground to regulate their temperature and that you should just leave some water out for them, so I made a tiny Barbie pool for Squirrely Temple. She glared at me and growled at it like the ungrateful bitch she is, which was very reassuring and I’m glad she’s already back to her old self.

Conclusion: Please leave some water out for your splooting wildlife friends, even if they’re occasionally dicks. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Hailey is in that weird age of kids who had to learn how to drive in the middle of covid times, which meant that basically it was practically impossible. When I was getting my license I just walked in off the street for my driving test with a parent and my social security card. Hailey’s journey included driving classes, original forms, special online classes, and a two month wait to get an appointment at the DMV for their driving test.

They also needed their social security card, utility bills, proof of insurance, report card, car registration, application, an original copy of drivers ed completion, a certificate of Impact Training, my voters registration card, the ability to parallel park, a tuxedo cat born under a blood moon, a notarized photo of the ghost of your great grandmother, a three-inch section of your umbilical cord, your stripper name (your first pet’s name + the street you lived on), an unlisted object that changes depending on the wind direction, a zodiac chart showing the planets at the moment of birth, a doctor’s note if you’re a Sagittarius, a bottle of Taylor Swift’s laughter, the answer to a wizard’s ancient riddle. And $33 dollars.

A few of those are hyperbole but not as many as you’d think.

But as off this morning? This sweet summer child passed their final test and has their license:

And I’m feeling equal parts proud at how far they’ve come, angst at how quickly they will leave, and utter bewilderment at being exposed to Hailey’s musical playlist for so many hours of practice driving. Nothing prepares you to hear your sweet baby happily bopping away to Childish Gambino, raunchy Cabaret songs, and absolutely belting Billy Joel’s Zanzibar while flying down a country road.

Be careful out there. For me.

Today is our 27th anniversary.

I looked it up and the 27th wedding anniversary doesn’t have a traditional name but I did find out that the number 27 is “the radix of the septemvigesimal position” and so I proposed we get matching septum piercings to commemorate our love, but Victor wasn’t into it because I guess he’s saving his septum virginity for his next marriage.

Anyway, if you’re having a hard time celebrating the 4th of July because America is a bit insane at the moment you can feel free to celebrate our anniversary instead. Happy Septemvigesimal Day to all! Please eat cake, do your favorite thing and snuggle with animals to celebrate.

Septum piercings optional.