The Bloggess

Happy birthday, Victor.

September 29, 2022in Random Crap

So every single fucking year Victor insists that I have not bought him an ice cream cake even though I TOTALLY HAVE and it’s sort of a running joke because he insists that “It’s all I’ve ever asked for” while looking off into the distance like a wounded puppy, but then on his actual birthday he always insists that he’s just been messing me with me and tells me to not go get him an ice cream cake on his birthday because there are only three of us and it’s a waste of money and then the next day he’s like, “SIGH..NO ONE EVER GETS ME AN ICE CREAM CAKE AND IT’S ALL I’VE EVER WANTED” so today I tried to sneak out to get him an ice cream cake and he heard me and threw himself behind my car while yelling, “SERIOUSLY, DON’T GET ME AN ICE CREAM CAKE. I SWEAR I’M JUST MESSING WITH YOU” and so I pretended that I was giving up and when he moved I gunned it and went to the store and he was texting me “Seriously, we have no room in the freezer. Don’t get an ice cream cake” but it was too late because I got this single-serving ice cream cake push-up and Victor was like, “I’m not sure this counts” but it totally does and I sang happy birthday to him and was very self-satisfied until he was like, “I can’t even get it to push up” and then suddenly the whole thing popped out of the plastic and fell in the sink and Victor was all wide-eyed and was like, “I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN’T DO THAT ON PURPOSE. IT JUST FELL” and I suspected that he did it on purpose so that he could continue to complain about not getting an ice cream cake for his birthday but jokes on him because I bought 5 of those fucking cake pops and then Victor was like, “Oh, touché” and he ate some and then he was like, “Well, you finally got me an ice cream cake but you didn’t sing me happy birthday” but I totally did and recorded it and then he was like, “You didn’t sing happy birthday dressed as Batgirl” and I stared at him and he was like, “That’s all I’ve ever asked for.”

And honestly I could not stop laughing and I hope this goes on forever.

Happy birthday, Victor.

Honestly, I’m just excited for the weirdos who will one day discover our house during the strangest estate sale ever.

September 26, 2022in Random Crap

If you’re anything like me, you probably follow several influencers whose homes are so instagram worthy that they can barely contain all of the rose-gold accessories (called “elements” for some reason) and natural light and clean spaces filled with tiny bowls that must be glued to the counter to keep the cats from fucking with them. The minimalistic pink spaces are so lovely but are very different from the maximalistic (why isn’t this a word?) collection of bizarre in my house. Yesterday I heard the exterminator go into the guest bathroom and he made a sort of screech, which might have been from the slightly menacing Anchorman gang fight painting:

Which glows in the dark in the most magnificent way:

Or the life-sized bear wallpaper hidden behind the door:

But personally I choose to believe it was the strangled laughter from the small sign I added this week to cover a hole in the wall:

Because it might not be elegant…but it is certainly entertaining.

Those damned drug-addicted reading trains are at it again.

September 23, 2022in nowhere bookshop, Random Crap

I honestly thought being an indie bookshop proprietress would be a pretty tame sort job but turns out I was totally wrong as this week we ended up involved in an ongoing banned book issue that makes me both sad for Texas and even more focused on staying here and fighting the good fight.

You can click here to read all the details including NEISD’s response.

PS. I have a copy of UNSPEAKABLE myself and can attest that it is beautifully written and illustrated, and perfectly acceptable for 3rd-6th grade readers as would be expected from any book that has won a shit-ton of honors, including the Caldecott Medal, the Coretta Scott King Book Award and was long-listed for the National Book Award.

PPS. Slightly related, some of our booksellers shared their favorite banned books this week, including Vicki Liendo who highlighted Charlotte’s Web, and this particular angry ( and questionable in SO MANY WAYS) comment on our facebook page is now a store favorite after we were finally able to decipher it.

Now we just need to find an artist who can draw us a train covered in pills reading a book because that shit needs to be on a tote bag immediately.

PPS. “But why was Charlotte’s Web banned?” you may ask. Dude, I had to look it up too. Apparently it was banned in some schools because “talking animals are blasphemous and unnatural” and I guess I could see that but weren’t there talking bushes in the Bible? Seems like if foliage can speak all bets are off, but I’m not that religious so who knows.

3 o’clock in the morning me has a point. But I’m not sure what it is.

September 20, 2022in Random Crap

I often write notes to myself at 3am that I think are pretty brilliant at the time and then the next morning I read these same notes which seem to be from some sort of psychopath, but I thought I’d share the one I found on my nightstand this morning:

Why do the words “whose” and “shoes” rhyme if they’re spelled differently?
Like…Who’s gonna choose to light the fuze on whose shoes to lose the booze if Ms Cruz pays her dues as a ruse to take a cruise with kangaroos and ewes while drinking Mountain Dews?

I mean, that whole sentence is exactly why we shouldn’t have been allowed to invent a written language. Both because it features 14 different words with violently random spellings for the exact same sound and also because the sentence itself is ridiculous.

Anyway, this is why all spelling bees should be cancelled going forward.

Don’t yell at me for being a good mother.

September 16, 2022in Random Crap

Victor just yelled at me for sleeping on the floor in the sunbeam with Ferris Mewler in the middle of the day because “Don’t you have a job?” or something crazy like that, and I explained that it’s important to share your son’s interests so that they don’t start doing drugs or vaping, and then Victor was like, “…He’s a cat” and I was like, “He’s a cat with beautifully healthy lungs and a strong relationship with his mother” and then Victor walked away shaking his head as I whispered to Ferris, “But seriously, you have to lay off the vaping.”

Bitch, it’s Halloween Eve. LET US HAVE THIS.

September 12, 2022in book stores are magic, fantastic strangelings book club, nowhere bookshop, Random Crap, Scary things

So last week Aedan and I built the Halloween windows for Nowhere Bookshop, and the floating candles made of papertowel rolls looked fantastic but we also tried to make a ghost out of chicken wire and after several hours we had scratches all over us, a new appreciation for why people wear gloves, and a vaguely ghost shaped thing that seemed ready to give out free tetanus to anyone interested.

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We both decided that it was not exactly what we’d imagined and hid her in the backroom. (If you’re interested in a lightly bloody, vaguely ghost-shaped hen house that will shank the shit out of your chickens you can probably steal it out of our dumpster whenever we get around to getting a dumpster.)

But then a friend on twitter was like, “You know you can make ghosts out of cling-wrap and packing tape that won’t make you look like you’ve been attacked by bobcats, right?” so for our first ever Fantastic Strangelings Crafting Hour I got on zoom and used a mannequin (I didn’t have a girl-equin) to make the torso and then I used a birdcage to make the dress…

…and ended up with the most jacked ghost ever, but I don’t subscribe to gender norms for ghosts or alive people, so whatever.

And then when I hung her up people in the store were like, “COOL GHOST” so I felt very good about it, or at least good that we had exactly the kind of wonderful customers who would humor me.

And then I overheard one girl say that she liked the windows but that it seemed too early for Halloween and her friend was like, “Brandy, you put up Christmas decorations on Thanksgiving. All of September is just Halloween Eve. LET US HAVE THIS.” And then Brandy was like, “Fair enough. Let’s have a drink.” And then I knew that we had the best customers in the world.

Also, Jodie the pig got a halloween costume because I thought she would be an adorable ghost, but the only twin sheets I have had superhero cats all over them.

And they were perfect.

PS. The online crafting hour was super fun so we are definitely going to do it on a regular basis. Next time we’re going to make pasties for cats, I think, so check your email for details in the near future. And if you haven’t joined yet you can do that here. It’s ridiculous. All the best things are.