So Hailey wanted a dog for Christmas but we’re not responsible enough for one so instead we started looking at hedgehogs because THEY’RE ADORABLE but I went on twitter and people were like “hedgehogs will eat your eyelids while you sleep and if you squeeze them their intestines will fall out” so instead we decided to get a kitten. So we mapped out the shelters and pet shops and on the way we had this conversation:
Victor: We should get a boy cat and name him ‘Bob Barker’. That’s a great cat name.
me: Let’s just find a cat already named Bob Barker. And when we go to the pet shops we’ll just be like “Bob Barker? BOB BARKER!” And if Bob Barker doesn’t show up we’ll walk out.
Victor: We should do that at the pound. “Excuse me, ma’am. We’re looking for a cat named Bob Barker”.
me: And they’ll be like “Oh, you lost your cat named Bob Barker?” and we’ll be all “No. We’re looking to adopt a cat named Bob Barker.”
Victor: “Are you kidding me? THIS IS THE NINTH PLACE WE’VE GONE THAT HASN’T HAD ANY CATS NAMED BOB BARKER.”
me: “We’re not picky. It could be a variation of Bob. Bobbie. Robert. Bobben. Even Roberto would be fine. We can teach him English.”
Victor: “Exactly. We’re being flexible.”
me: “Right? MEET. US. HALFWAY. Except that we’re not actually flexible on the “Barker” part. His last name has to be ‘Barker’. No variations.”
Victor: Yeah, that’s a deal-breaker.
Then we looked at lots of cats but on each one I was like “Well, he’s no Bob Barker” and finally we got to the last place and when we walked past the glass this kitten jumped out like “OH MY GOD I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU GUYS ALL DAY” and I was all “Bob Barker!”
Introducing Bob Barker:
And I was all “THIS IS BOB BARKER” and Victor looked at me grumpily because he really wanted a fancier cat and the clerk was all “He’s the last one left because he’s polydactyl” and I was like “He’s half pterodactyl?” and she explained that polydactyl means that he has a genetic mutation that gave him four extra toes. And Victor was like “You want the mutant cat. Of course you do.” and I was like “This cat has four bonus toes THAT WE DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY FOR. THIS CAT IS PRACTICALLY PAYING US TO TAKE HIM.” And then Victor was like “He has four extra claws. That’s like the worst mutation ever. The only way this cat could be worse is if it had two buttholes” and then I held Bob Barker up I was all “THIS CAT GREW OPPOSABLE THUMBS. HE COULD DRIVE US HOME RIGHT NOW.” And then Victor just sighed and started filling out the adoption paperwork.
PS. Bob Barker doesn’t really look like a “Bob Barker” so we’re changing his name. I suggested “Paulie Six-Toes” because I like to imagine our cat could be in the mafia but right now he’s answering to Anderson Cooper, which was just a joke but whenever you say “Anderson Cooper” he runs over like “Jesus, What? Why do you keep calling me?” Or maybe he just wants to watch Anderson Cooper. Hard to tell with cats.
UPDATED: Ferris Mewler. Our cat’s name is now Ferris Mewler. Best cat name ever.