Bananas mated with iguanas = Baguanas.

This weekend Victor and I spent the weekend in Puerto Rico with our friends (Maile and Jason).  It was exactly what I needed and I thought I’d share some vacation pictures.  I can assure you that I saw a lot of beautiful places worthy of pretty photos, but that’s not what I take pictures of and I think we all know that.

There were tons of wild horses all over the island (Vieques) we were staying at and they thought they owned the road so we’d get out and shoo them off the road.  Case in point:

This isn't blown up. This is the picture I was taking when I rolled down my window and a horse tried to eat my camera phone. Maile offered that maybe he wanted to check twitter.

The beaches were beautiful and (as with every tropical paradise) every once in awhile you’d stumble over something truly unexpected.

You can't see my other hand because it's missing.

The warning signs were confusing.

I think this one says Warning: You are in the Matrix. Gravity may stop working. Penises may go up and down.

We went to a restaurant that had a giant picture of an iguana lustily humping a bunch of green bananas.

One of these things is not a banana.

Then we went to a spa and the guys got a coconut scrub, which they complained was poorly named because their nuts were hardly scrubbed at all and their masseuse wasn’t even named Coco.  The massage failed to deliver on all promises made.  We were escorted out.  This was a continued theme of the vacation, and we scared people with our inappropriately loud laughter at every stop.  It was awesome and I so needed it.

I also made a special t-shirt for vacations.

You know when you're at the beach and you put on a shirt but then 10 minutes later you notice it looks like you peed yourself because your suit soaked through the bottom of your t-shirt? That's what this shirt is for. At first it just said "This is not pee" but then I realized that a lot of things are peeing in the ocean so it's more accurate to say it's not *your* pee. You are welcome.

Also, this is supposed to be a weekly review of shit that happened to me this week, except that not much happened because I flaked out on vacation.  BUT I did have two things happen.

This (half-assed) weekly review was brought to you by the full-assed people at Cafe Rio, who make sweet pork barbacoa quesadillas that you would sell your soul for.  Probably.  Depends on how much you like quesadillas, I guess.  Also, they’re in 10 States and counting so check them out and see if there’s one near you.

 

 

162 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Baguanas and penises defying gravity. Sounds like a spectacular vacation. If only the guys had scored that massage they were promised…

    Getting escorted out of premises is generally way more fun than being allowed to stay.

    XLMIC recently posted The Ellimpics.

  2. Presumably nobody stole your laptap while travelling?

  3. Thanks for making me laugh…I totally needed it today after an irritating encounter with a sexist jackhole. Since I’m prone to irrational rage at stupid shit I can’t control, I needed a little distraction and this was just shiny enough to catch my eye. Bonus points to you for putting horse-face in a blogpost…and thanks for fixing my mood. :)

    Jess recently posted Why I'm NOT reading 50 Shades of Anything.

  4. I love how the “Warning” is in Americano and Spanish, but they don’t bother making the rest of the sign bilingual. It’s like, “HAHA American tourists, we want you to know that there is something that you should be wary of, but we’re not going to actually you WHAT IT IS!”

    Kat recently posted The Time I Got a Brazilian Bikini Wax at a Jewish Community Center.

  5. I want a horse to ask ME if his nose is clean. I’m a little jealous.

  6. I have also been lied to a spa. Getting a Brazilian does NOT mean that you’re masseuse will be a Brazillian woman.
    Lesson learned.

    Heretic Husband recently posted Chapter 13: In which the youth pastor's ex-wife is thrown under the bus.

  7. And next week we will see the photos of the stuffed iguana that you will be bringing back to join the menagerie, yes?

    Tom Stronach recently posted Saturday.

  8. I love the penis sign. Maybe too much. Naw, how can anyone love penis TOO much? Anyhow, thanks for being back, and feel free to chheck out my submission to Dude Write below. You can check out everyone’s posts there, but especially mine. Thanks, GO NOW! :)

    Birdman recently posted We Got The Grass Cut.

  9. Iguana Humping Bananas is my new band name. The music will be a combination of new wave and punk, with a Spanish flair. Only hipsters will listen to it.

    whiskeypants recently posted Death Makes Us Selfish.

  10. I think this one says Warning: You are in the Matrix. Gravity may stop working. Penises may go up and down.

    This made me laugh out loud which my co-workers have (thankfully) gotten used to over the years. That doesn’t sound like an area that I want to walk through. Unless of course I want to pretend to be an astronaut. Which I don’t. Usually.

  11. that iguana is obviously truly in love

    bridget recently posted We're in the middle of some stuff here, folks.

  12. Ay ay ay ay
    Canta me, no llores
    Las iguanas tan grande estan
    jodiendo a las bananas

    Someone is going to hate me for that, I’m sure. No one expects “Cielito Lindo” to get mangled in such a way. Que chistoso soy.

    James Crawford recently posted What is up..

  13. I can’t think of a more appropriate/useful t-shirt. Can you order them in bulk?!?!

    John B recently posted UPDATE: ready, set, die awkwardly.

  14. Looks like you had a lot of fun and also thought a lot about penises.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep5 – Left Over Segments.

  15. I’m thinking the front of the shirt should say “This is my Tee”.

    Jon Jones recently posted MEET THE SPORTSRACERS - Episode 2 - AwedJob Pt. 2.

  16. So much better than my weekend which involved an unexpected trip to Gettysburg with three children, a derecho (yes that is an actual thing) and a sobbing 11 year old whose “big summer trip to DC” got cancelled because the the derecho. Good times were had by all, except by me, because Gettysburg was not on my bucket list and apparently there is a dearth of liquor stores in Pennsylvania. Oh, and I was the one who got to tell the 11 year old that his trip was cancelled.

  17. Oh my gosh, were you on Vieques? I stayed there a few nights during my trip to Puerto Rico. The horses were everywhere! We stayed at a shoddy hotel right next to the beach where we spent an hour being moved room to room until they finally found one with running water and a lock on the door.

  18. Clearly the iguana is going for the coconut scrub after he’s done with the bananas..

    Erin recently posted Orange-Glazed Chicken.

  19. My god… I need a vacation….

    Kerry :) recently posted Fifty Shades of WTF!.

  20. Your boobs look GINORMOUS in the explosive zone.

  21. Horses can be such a nuisance when it comes to internet enabled phones.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Compassion.

  22. What is the penis on? A wall projection? A sailboat? Maybe it’s a diagram of what happens in the extremely rare chance that you should you find artwork of an iguana making sweet love to assorted fruits and vegetables.

    OH WAIT…

    Well at least you’d been warned.

    Teresa recently posted At Least My Ass is Encouraging.

  23. I think the sign is indicating a lapdance zone.

  24. You need matching shorts for when you get dressed over a wet swimsuit and then sit down and then have to awkwardly walk around with a huge wet spot on your ass.

    Ashley recently posted I'm bringing back Glamour Shots...who's with me?.

  25. I loooove me some Cafe Rio pork. I could bathe in it. And the penis matrix sign? The matrix part to me looks like an amputee getting a lap dance and the dancer is jumping off the amputee in fright. Maybe the penis kept going up and down so she got scared. Peligro!

    g d recently posted when ya feel the need.....

  26. I recently moved to San Antonio, so when I saw you were endorsing a mexican restaurant I thought, “Yes! This place must be good if the Bloggess is recommending it!” Sadly, there are no locations in this (supposedly) large state! However, a location just opened up in the town I moved FROM…

    Thanks for getting my hopes up. Perhaps you could recommend a good mexican restaurant in the Hill Country/San Antonio area to make up for it?! :)

  27. I’ve met Charlain Harris. She’s awesome. Nicest Book- Madame you could have for Pimpin’ your shizzle.

    Em recently posted Karma(l) apples and oranges.

  28. What is really wrong with that iguana picture: Humping bananas was so last year. Humping coconuts is clearly the current trend.

    alaina recently posted Laser Vag..

  29. 29
    Alyssa S.

    Didn’t you know that’s how they jazz up the beaches in tropical places? Bury some ordnance and let the touristas play real live Minesweeper. *BOOM* oh look you found one. You win. Or not. How else are the locals supposed to have any fun?

    Alyssa S. recently posted Why every Mom and daughter should go see Brave.

  30. 30
    Scott Jacobs

    Technically, a lot of things in that picture weren’t bananas…

  31. Haha I love the horse pictures. And the floppy penis ones. Of course.

    Mayor Gia recently posted SocialCam is the Devil.

  32. Damn it horse, how do you have a twitter account? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS!!!

    -The End

  33. Well, now I know how dildos work in outer space.

    Chooplah recently posted 6 Incredible Products Everyone Must Own.

  34. You and Caitlin Moran – an internet match made in internet heaven. And you both happen to be my favouritist writers ever. WIN.

    Jax recently posted I'm Joining the Circus!.

  35. 35
    Angelabsurdist

    Your writing and humour is wonderful. Thanks.

  36. You know I don’t remember the last time I went on a non work related vacation. Oh wait yes i do. I was 9. We went to Tennessee. It was terrible. I was staying in a cabin with my grandma, my aunt and her boyfriend and of course my parents. They were doing construction building more cabins beside us so we got woken up every morning to the sounds of heavy equipment. The highlight of the trip was touring the better cabins. You know the one’s that actually had a view and no construction. And I had to sit on the floor of my grandmas wheel chair van becasue there wasn’t a seat for me and the wheel chair hoist kept trying to take me out. You know what? I think there is a damn good reason I stopped going on vacations.

    Holly Folly recently posted I Have More Peeps!.

  37. Your book came in above Discount Armageddon. That is freakin’ awesome. The Bloggess is better than Discount Armageddon.

  38. I feel like that shirt insinuates that I was peed on, but don’t worry, because it’s not MY pee, it belongs to someone else. Or is that the point? I don’t get things.

    Jayme recently posted Turning Stumbling Blocks into Stepping Stones.

  39. I’m jelly because I didn’t go on vacay last week. BUT I also didn’t just do a tour to promote my best selling book. So I suppose I’ll just keep working until I do that. :-P

    I’m thinking whomever makes those warning drawings is probably on perpetual vacation based upon the obscurity of the images. That “bomb” didn’t look as much explosive as leaky.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Controversy over a fictional cookie.

  40. Charlaine Harris is one of my favorite authors, and not just for the True Blood series. When one favorite author recommends another favorite author, unicorns get rainbow wings. Happy sigh.

    Sue recently posted Bogie.

  41. The iguana photo is a work of art. Glad you enjoyed your vacation :)

    Erin recently posted I Was Born With A Reading List I Will Never Finish.

  42. Sounds like the best vacation ever! LOVE the t-shirt. And the pictures of signs are my favorite.

    Danielle recently posted Challenge yourself and be surprised!.

  43. That one penis sign is definitely my fav. For sure. Glad you had a much needed vacation.

    I had one last weekend (no wait… the one before) to the exotic state of IOWA. My dad’s from there. Out in the middle of nowhere… the state highways are gravel. The biggest store in town is a K-mart. They call Sloppy Joes Maid Rites. Half the high school is pregnant because, according my dad, there’s nothing else to do there. It was a great trip besides the fact that we arrived Saturday morning at 11 and left Sunday evening at 8. Not very relaxing at all. I did laugh alot though.

    Keaven Neely recently posted Chakra?.

  44. Two things and then I’ll go: #1. That “warning” sign totally says, “WARNING: Ninja kicks may compromise the adhesive on your maxi-pad.” Because doesn’t it look just like a pad un-sticking itself from your cotton crotch panel? It doesn’t? M’kay… And #2. Those bananas are total sluts. They wanted it.

    Rach recently posted Girl Crazy.

  45. When I first saw the shirt, I though it was a reference to one of Namrock’s lines in the 90’s classic “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever.”

    And then I saw it was a completely unrelated pee reference.

    Matthew Miller recently posted Bleach Enemas to Treat Autism.

  46. I love signs in other languages. For 5 years I though “Cuidado” meant rattle snake in Spanish because every time I saw the word it was over a picture of a snake. One day I told my not-yet-husband to “Watch out for all of the Cuidados.” He was like, “What? Cuidado means be careful. That sign says be careful of snakes.” Then, he married me so I don’t know what that says about him.

    I love signs in other countries too. When we went to a reptile zoo in South Africa there was a sign on the door that said they were “not responsible for small children being eaten by animals.” We saw another sign in front of a beach that was filled with jagged rocks and crashing waves that said, “Swim at your own peril.” I like how other countries let you be a complete dumb ass if you want to be. There aren’t any laws prohibiting stupidity. They warn you and then set you free to live or die, sink or swim.

    Lily from Itsadomelife recently posted We've Got A Screamer Over Here.

  47. I’m worried about the Island of Vieques. SINCE YOU LEFT.

    Cindy Reed recently posted Don’t Worry, The Red Blotches Will Go Away..

  48. Sounds like a fun vacation. And it’s true… penises may go up and down, depending on the scenario.

    Brandi recently posted Ted. Friends. Magic Mike..

  49. I cannot believe you went to Vieques… That is my ALL TIME FAVORITE island. Of all time.
    The last time I was there, I almost got stampeded by a bull. True story.

  50. Funny, was just accused of smoking weed because my friend and I dared to be laughing in a museum. Cause surely nothing could simply strike 2 white women in their mid thirties funny; must be the herb.

    Abby Bean recently posted Celebrating Vegan Pizza Day with 3 Brothers.

  51. Translation: Warning! This chair may actually be a person. A person with a penis. And the person with said penis is excited to see you. You have been warned.

  52. Hey! This no my pee!

  53. So is that beastiality and… fruitiality? Is that poster a euphemism for gay porn?

    Angela recently posted Ghost TV.

  54. I absolutely love the shirt! You could wear it for several occasions, such as when your holding your puppy and it pees on you. Or, if you spill a drink all over yourself. Or, if you accidentally fall into a canal….the possibilities are endless.

    Jenny Starley recently posted Am I a Hypochondriac?.

  55. Only a weekend in Puerto Rico? Next time you need to take a week. No joke. :)

    jesspants recently posted …and free Twinkies for all!.

  56. That picture is very interesting AND it finally let’s me know that penises may or may not launch at any time. As a nation, we’d better be prepared for this shit.

    I wonder who holds the code for penis launching?

    Dumb {Squared} recently posted Hate mail is good for your soul!.

  57. That shirt makes me think you’re saying “This shirt may be covered in pee, but at least it’s not MY pee. Somebody else was uncouth enough to urinate on my shirt; I just put it on.”

  58. Awesome, there’s one in my town! Barbacoa quesadillas for dinner! This only partially makes up for you not coming to Phoenix on your book tour, though. I mean, come on, it’s on the way from Texas to California!

  59. I need that shirt, especially when eating quesadillas. I love quesadillas so much, I might actually pee myself.

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted My Shit-hole Apartment (Part 2.5).

  60. About 10 years ago, the Puerto Ricans finally wrestled Vieques away from the US Navy who had used it FOR DECADES as a bombing range. When they finally left, they were all, “Fine, then! We’re leaving! But we’re not cleaning up after ourselves! So there!” Puerto Rico solved the problem by putting up the signs.

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  61. I checked out the restaurant site before the interviews. What does that say about me besides the obvious that I’m fat?
    Gotta read Caitlan Moran’s book. Thanks for that!

    Judy, Judy, Judy recently posted Are unsolicited bad reviews essentially assvice?.

  62. baguanas in pajamas?

  63. “Warning: You may get a sudden urge to get up from your chair and wave your hands like you just don’t care. This could cause penis bouncing, which predisposes you to unwarranted and embarrassing erections. Enter with caution.”
    I think for kids, a shirt that says, “this might be my pee” would be PERFECT.

    Banana Stickers recently posted WARNING: This post contains a picture of someone with a horrible hair cut. And a nipple..

  64. I am sad that there is no Cafe Rio closer than an 8 hour drive from me. I want a pork barbacoa quesadillas that I can sell my soul for…

    Melissa B recently posted Domestically Challenged, Part Deux.

  65. I love the horse pictures! I have several like that of my donkeys. Sadly, I don’t think I can share them in the comments.

    Zhi Zhu recently posted Random Pic.

  66. Why yes, I would sell my soul for an awesome quesadilla.

    Skerrib recently posted Case In Point....

  67. I love Vieques! My husband and I spent 10 days there several years ago. At that time there were a ton of stray dogs on the island. There was a little pup that stayed at our bed and breakfast and she and I were inseparable. If you adopted a mutt from the island, their humane society arranged for it to be flown via American Airlines to your home. All you had to do was send the carrier back to the humane society. I couldn’t bear to leave her so that’s what we did. Maya was a beautiful and sweet dog and she brought tons of joy to our lives. It was the best “souvenir” that we ever brought home. She died a few years ago and we miss her terribly. Vieques always has a special place in my heart!

  68. Ahahaha! Thank you for the laugh. Much needed.

    Ashley Austrew recently posted Poem to my crackers..

  69. I just received my camera bag from the lovely Maile last week! If not for you, I never would have known about these lovlies. so…thank you! to both of you.

    Karen recently posted Things (people, places) I love in 400 words….

  70. Holy crap, I’m following in your footsteps re: blogging but also re: vacationing! My stalking skills are getting better, so hopefully next time I’ll be at your vacation spot at the same time you are and not delayed by a few weeks. I do look forward to the gravity-defying penises, though. They neglected to put those in the guidebooks.

    Melissa recently posted Blog awards, food stories, and zombies.

  71. 71
    Incunabulum

    “At first it just said “This is not pee” but then I realized that a lot of things are peeing in the ocean so it’s more accurate to say it’s not *your* pee. You are welcome.”

    But no people will be confused and asking themselves “if its not you’re pee then whose is it?”

    I’d rather be thought of as a person who pees themself than as someone who walks around in public after letting others pee on them.

  72. I vacationed last week at a resort in Possum Kingdom Lake, Texas, where I saw no lustily humping iguanas – or even possums for that matter. I did see someone hump a volleyball in the pool, but I think that was just the screwdrivers talking.

    Kari recently posted I just called to say I love you.....

  73. Ok, so I might have tweeted this, but I’m a passive twitter user (I just like to read funny/interesting things that other people have written) who had no clue what I was doing. My sister found this and thought you would be excited to have such a lovely reminder of your vacation….http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Slicey-the-Pig-Dashboard-Wiggler.html.

  74. When I first read the shirt I read it as “that’s not MY pee.” As in, there is pee and it’s someone else’s. From time to time there is probably need for that type of shirt, too, but maybe not at the beach.

  75. When I was a kid, I had a book full of ridiculous poetry called “I’m Gonna Tell Mama I Want An Iguana.” It was awesome and I loved the hell out of it. The silly iguana picture here made me think of it, and I really want another copy of it. So I went to Amazon and searched for it. BAM – found it! http://www.amazon.com/Gonna-Tell-Mama-Want-Iguana/dp/B001QV6QL4

    Doesn’t look like it’s published anymore, though. Don’t these freaking publishers understand how important this is to me? Assholes. On the bright side, recent surveys show that pretty much everyone pees in pools, so your new shirt up there is about as correct as it can get.

    Katy Bug recently posted Our New Baby Is A Pretty Version of Buttercup from The Hunger Games.

  76. On my bucket list of places to go. Love wild horses.

    Corey Feldman recently posted Thought I was done blogging on my iPad.

  77. That horse is adorable! And it seems like you had such fun on your weekend away. Your wit made me giggle as always.

  78. I’ve been thinking more and more about this with all the posts that people are putting up about their summer trips and the ocean and such.

    The ocean is full of creatures. Mostly slimy, scary ones. Squids. Octopi. Lots of mucous. And they all expel their waste into the ocean. You know that froth that accumulates as the surf hits the beach? Where do you think that comes from?

    Swimming in the ocean is like swimming in a big vat of ocean creature semen, pee, and mucous. Maybe the salt kills the worst of the germies, but it’s still gross. It’s not like local pools are much better, so I don’t know what the alternative is. It just makes me feel like agent Smith in The Matrix, and how disgusted he is by these oily, sweaty, greasy human creatures he has to associate with.

    neal recently posted My wife and I are having a fight and we need YOUR help.

  79. Do we really need a warning sign for penises going up and down? I thought that was pretty normal….

    Veronica recently posted Addressing some of the concerns about Mummybloggers.

  80. There are people who don’t like quesadillas? Huh. Weird.

    Oh, hey, there’s a Cafe Rio in Redlands – that’s not far at all.

  81. Oh wow! Vieques! I haven’t thought about it since it tried to kill me on my Honeymoon 9 years ago. True story. When my husband and I went to Puerto Rico, we stayed all over the place, but everyone warned us NOT to go to Vieques. They were very angry at Americans, for some hazy political reason I don’t remember, but they told us it would be very dangerous if we went there. Fine. We won’t go there. Oh, well, except for when we caught the last ferry from Flamenco beach, and accidentally had to stop there. Jenny, I don’t know much (any) Spanish, but I could guess that hearing “Americano” and “Muerto” in the same sentence did not bode well. I played pictionary with my husband until he figured out what was going on – we developed a rudimentary plan involving a fire extinguisher and me swimming for safety. Luckily, when the ferry docked, the angry “Americano-Muerto” guys got off and a whole platoon of “Policias” got on and we were saved! In hindsight, me swimming for shore while my husband held them off with a fire extinguisher wasn’t exactly A-team material.

    Glad you survived, and that they don’t hate Americans anymore. Possibly.

    P.S. I’m pretty sure those aren’t bananas. The Puerto Rican people worship those plantains things – they look like bananas, but aren’t nearly as good. They push them on you no matter how nicely you tell them, sorry, I’m not interested in your weird fruit. Sort of like Jehova’s Witnesses, but with plantains.

    Sam recently posted It's a Depressing Jungle Out There.

  82. The last time we were on Vieques, there were two impeccably groomed mini-ponies inside the bar, and horse races up and down the Malecon (main drag). Mini-ponies. Groomed like poodles, only not house trained.

    Next time you’re in PR, you should check out TJ Ranch near Arecibo: https://www.facebook.com/pages/TJ-Ranch/201934282827 . Pros: Great escape, very chill, fewer tourists. Cons: No mini-ponies or wild ponies.

    Casey recently posted Wedding Inspiration from ShopBop.

  83. Read this and thought of you and Ferris Mewler. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/07/02/156142214/a-parasite-carried-by-cats-could-hurt-humans-sanity?live=1%3Futm_source%3Dfp&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=20120702
    Since it was on the NPR site, and since they’re mostly cat-lovers…or so one would believe (NPR appears to like books, and books and cats seem to go hand-in-hand). Hence, I don’t think they have an axe to grind against cats and the article may be credible. The article closes with an infectious disease expert choosing his cats, as their benfits outweigh their risks. But still…

  84. I think that horse wanted to steal your life.

    Wow… I just realized I want that horse’s life. Running thru the wilds of Puerto Rico, wind whipping thru my balls.. Then steal a tourist ‘s camera and spend the day taking silly pictures of your opposom friends pretending to be dead in weird places. Later on switching the stolen camera with a different tourist for some shits and gigs..

    Ahhhh…. the GOOD life!!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted Why yes, I AM a spy. Thank you very much!.

  85. I am terribly jealous of your vacation. I shall live vicariously through you…

    Christene recently posted 40 Weeks Of Pregnancy - Week 14.

  86. Those poor bananas. I’d probably turn green too if I was being molested by an iguana on the wall of a fancy restaurant.

    April recently posted I have no idea what I’m doing.

  87. Wow, I really am behind the times. That horse is on Twitter and I’m not.

    I’m not entirely sure if this worries me.

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted So my first day back doing living history was good.

  88. You got pimped on The Today Show???

    Next to Colbert, that is the coolest pimping!

    Wish it would happen to my work!

  89. 89
    Anonymous

    Ho. ly. crap. I just about died laughing at that tee. Even DH told me to order it. For our potty training toddler! Bwhahahaha. Now I just gotta figure out how to make it say that on the front instead. ;)

  90. I assume the only reason you didn’t bring home that iguana painting is because it wasn’t for sale?

    S recently posted So My Husband’s Love Language Is Not “Subtle Messages Through Facebook Wall Posts” (Good to Know).

  91. Your iguana photo is giving me flashbacks to this time we ate in a burger place and I was mad at my husband so I decided to look at the wall art instead of him. On one side of him was a cubist painting of a very anatomically correct bull. On the other was some vintage ad for who knows what but it involved a girl washing a car or something. So my choices were bull scrotum or an upskirt. Classy place. Good burgers.

    Stacey recently posted Race Day.

  92. Agh. THat horse has more tweets than me. And more followers. I feel so inadequate.

    omchelsea recently posted Aliens..

  93. I thought my trip to Costa Rica was exciting, what with pit freaking vipers falling out of the rafters and all. But I’ll be damned if I saw any banana humping iguanas or horses on twitter. I can’t speak to anything involving nuts however. Next time, I’m going to Puerto Rico . . .

    Denise Malloy recently posted Confessions of a Fashion Tween.

  94. I believe the first line of the penis sign says “toujours bloquer le siege” which is French for “always lock the seat”. Second line is in Spanish and apart form the word “siempre” which means always, I have absolutely no idea what is written. Not as interesting as “Embedded seat penis can be raised and used if you are lonely. Please ensure it has been erected to the right angle before sitting on said penis.”

  95. The horse pictures are the best ever. Ever.

    Emma recently posted Buzzards of Justice.

  96. I don’t think I could have sat under that picture. Or near it. I would have made them turn it around. Brave soul, you are.

    Stephanie recently posted The Storm, or Why You Will (or Won’t) See Me at BlogHer.

  97. 97
    Lindsey C.

    you should write a travel guide next.
    loved your wrap up on vieques.

  98. I want that iguana picture.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted I Always Get More Than I Give.

  99. There used to be range at Vieques. I used to bomb there, back in the day. When we weren’t bombing Vieques we were drinking at the O Club at Rosey Roads. Those were great days. I am a lawyer now. Sigh.

  100. Lustily humping bananas.
    That was way too funny and probably should have had some sort of warning, to wit:
    Please do not have your normal nightly snack of Lambrusco and dry diet popcorn if you’re about to read something this post, as you may accidentally snort a small portion of kernel right into the nostrilla area, where it will remain for the rest of the evening.
    and well into the next workday.
    Just sayin. :)

    thanks

    Chris recently posted Cooper the Pooper gets a pool.

  101. i love how “horse” and “whores” sound so similar…that makes me smile. glad you had a faboosh vacay!

    coco recently posted accidental beauty.

  102. That shirt is great! I have this awesome picture of me from a high school pool party where I am totally unaware that it looks like I peed in my pants. There I am, laughing and hugging all of my friends. And now I have to explain it to my son. Can’t wait for my shirt!

    Becki recently posted Disney Pixar's Brave.

  103. 103
    Anonymous

    The locals call iguanas ‘Tree Chickens’ Delish!

  104. I totally want one of those shirts except is IS my pee.

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted Exit Strategy? STUN GUNS.

  105. RE: the horse eating the camera. We once had a zebra try to eat the (outside) rear view mirror on the car. And you and I have remarkable similar experiences at dinner party conversation.

  106. You just take the best vacation photos.

    EmSpeaks recently posted Rules for Fangirl Sanity.

  107. I have spent the better part of the last hour trying to think of other situations where this shirt would come in handy.

    Kp recently posted Some Assembly Required: BABY It's Hot Outside.

  108. LOVED your pictures! The t-shirt is brilliant, of course. Why didn’t I think of that? :)

    Vanessa recently posted You'll never get his lucky charms, unless you just take them and run once he's put his crutches down..

  109. 1) Your boob looks ginormous in the explosive sign.
    2) I met you and Charlaine within 9 days of each other. I coordinated her pitch.
    3) I lied about that pitch.
    4) Freaky iguana.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Priorities, anyone?.

  110. 110
    Murf Mensch

    Forgive me if I posted this earlier but I was struck by the appearance of Juanita Weasel at a rally organized by the Massachusetts Nurses Association. They were is solidarity with nuclear plant, who are being locked out.

    Here’s the pic. It’s Juanita.

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=317894861636576&set=a.173072449452152.41033.134292839996780&type=1&theater

  111. With signs like that, how do you know what not to do? We’re lucky you even made it back from that place!!!

    Brenna recently posted Never smirk, even internally..

  112. I grew up in Puerto Rico (my dad moved us there to teach organic chemistry at UPR when I was 7 and we moved back to the proper States when I was in high school) and I never got to visit Vieques, Culebra or Mona. I think they still only allow Boy Scouts on Mona, which is kinda creepy. ;)

    however, he did take me to La Parguera, (or thereabouts, who can remember that long ago, it was the 80’s) where the HUGE ASS IGUANAS ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE, even swimming in the water around the science station. *shudders* No thanks. You suckers are nasty.

    Glad you had a blast, I love that little island.

  113. My mother is from Vieques! Did you do any scuba diving? My uncle owns the scuba shop! Hope you enjoyed the experience… and I cannot believe they thought you were loud! Have you heard the Viequense people just “talking” to each other? I always thought they were mad!

  114. While I am still laughing from your post I can’t help but keep looking at that iguana – is it a painting or a photograph? Both are disturbing but I feel that a painting is definitely more so cause then the painter thought a lot about iguana’s humping bananas.

    Busy Mom of Twins recently posted Life is a circus, might as well get the tent.

  115. We were in Vieques the week before you. We rented la Casita del Sol y Mar so there was room for our son, his girlfriend, our daughter and two granddaughters. It was great. Did you eat at Belly Buttons? Thursday night is Mexican food night. We, being Texans too (DFW), were a little skeptical but it was fantastic. Pulled pork and chicken to die for! Hope you had as much fun as we did.

  116. We are assuming that you will have the wild horse and baguana stuffed for the collection?
    I see no reason at all why these holiday souvenirs would cause any problems coming through Customs.
    Well, perhaps if the inspectors are persnicketty.
    Or the types who wear long black riding boots.
    For riding horses, I mean, not S&M.
    They might get all whoa around a stuffed horse.
    But surely the baguana will make it through Customs.
    As long as you don’t stuff it with uncut cocaine like usual.

  117. aren’t baguanas white guys who go on safari in Africa? You know, like Baguana Jim?

    Sometimes, I just get so confused!

    Sj recently posted Presto! Chang-o! It's a Rogue!.

  118. …now I totally know why my Puerto Rican friend tries to get me to visit PR! It’s not the bananas/it’s the SEXY iguanas!

    Diane Donovan recently posted Notes from Outside the Calendar Box.

  119. Love the new t. Lawsbians have a t. Equal time for Baguanas. Also, I can’t wait till Cafe Rio gets to Illinois!

    Kathleen recently posted Menacing Hedge.

  120. My friends and I actually had to use this phrase, over and over, in Ixtapa, Mexico, to real police men, with real machine guns, and flashlights pointing to the “pee spot”, while trying to say things like, “that’s not my pee” and “no bathroom” in Spanish… which we did not speak. No Lie. That was a fun trip.

  121. The matrix photo seems to have one person sitting on another, with the one on top exiting quickly. Maybe that links in to the warning about penises…

    Claire J recently posted The Fears That Are Never Absent.

  122. Scaring people with laughing loudly sounds like the perfect vacation, indeed :)

    Glad you had a good time! …and very glad you’re back sound and safe :D

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Georg.

  123. 123
    Alex Reid

    Really you’re very interesting and i think it was very successful and joyful weekend. Thanks for your nice post with excellent photos.

    Alex Reid recently posted How To Get Laid.

  124. My dog humps our pillows every day like that… It never occurred to me to hang a photo as art… thanks for the suggestion!

    Amy recently posted My Bullied Bus Monitor Video Would be a Little Different.

  125. 125
    Pat Calchera

    I have missed reading you so much! I was worried. I’m kinda like my mom in that first, when we were late as teenagers, she’d be all teary-eyed and relieved when we came home, then she’d realize that we were late and didn’t call her and be mad as crap at us! I’m glad you are okay and had a blast in Puerto Rico, but I was home in the States worried to death. :)

    You made me laugh hard once again and for that, I thank you.

  126. Explosivos sound fun. I wish I was authorized.

    Jim W. recently posted In Defense of Parents.

  127. You have such a gleeful smile! Clearly you needed this trip. Also, being stared at/commented about/chastised for laughing too loud in public is proof of a good time. I love those moments.

    …and is it me, or does that “wild horse” look like Joe Camel?

    Red recently posted Spread Wars: The Return of the Crunchy.

  128. We had a pet iguana we named Machado after on the of the pitchers for the NY Mets. The real Machado ended up getting arrested for murder. Needless to say, the Iguana got a new name. And then grew to be 4 feet long. And it turned out my husband didn’t realize how old he was when he bought him and he turned out to be old enough he remained feral. My husband had to handle him with oven mitts. Do you know how funny it is to watch a man try to let a 4 foot iguana swim in our bathtub (because “supposedly” iguanas like to swim) wearing oven mitts?

    judy recently posted Baaaaad Communication.

  129. Yay! I’m glad you’re back.
    My husband and I are triathletes. Everywhere we go we have wet butts, from swimming or running or cycling. It’s worse when we’re with out friends. We all leave puddles in our chairs, and I wonder what the wait staff think of us? We try to tip well. We also try to dry off before we go in places but it never works!

    p.s. I finished your book and am completely devastated that I have to read something else now. And I wish your friend Laura was my friend too.

    Sarah recently posted Grandma Janie's Island.

  130. Well, you stayed in Vieques. Be glad you were not attacked by the gargoyle, apparently a cousin of the chupacabra. Is been roaming the island for the past months. I kid you not!

    Belisse recently posted Handmade Crochet Beanie Hat Aqua Blue by Belisse.

  131. maybe the horse was http://twitter.com/#!/WeirdHorse ?

    its spooky that you guys interviewed each other because the UK version of your books front cover is scarily similar to Caitlins.

    I think you two should write a book together, perhaps feminist taxidermy, or perhaps not…!

    Han recently posted Instagram Catchup.

  132. Dear Jenny, this is in regards to your half-assed endorsement of Cafe Rio. A native of SLC and an avid Bloggess reader, I want to form a coalition to bring Cafe Rio to Massachusetts where I’ve found myself. How do you suggest creating an online force of followers to get the people of Cafe Rio to bring a store to us? You’re good at this stuff so I humbly ask for your opinion.

    Also, was in Vieques last fall for a 30th birthday celebration and loved it. Please tell me you guys went to the bioluminescent bay! Hopefully you didn’t pee in that bay. They discourage it. Although it would be pretty awesome to see your pee bioluminess.

  133. I love that they warn you about penises unexpectedly going up and down, because clearly that is the only possible interpretation of that sign. Pure awesomeness!!

    Also, I’m glad that I’m not the only one who enjoys obnoxious laughter while on vacation, or anywhere for that matter.

    Tara recently posted Back in the day..

  134. It looks like a vacation filled with fun and laughter and sounds like JUST what I need. Glad you made it to a tropiical paradise and brought back these pictures for us! Where’s my tshirt?

    kelly recently posted I like when men get naked....

  135. I think that warning sign says
    “Don’t sit on the laps of random guys because you will give them an erection, then leap off at the unexpected feeling frightening the poor guy and causing him to lose said erection. And that’s just mean.”

    Of course my spanish may be a little rusty.

    Meghan recently posted Google and Privacy.

  136. Not that your words don’t still make me spit out coffee with laughter, but the pictures of the horse-snout, the broken-penis warning, and the banana-humping iguana really would have been sufficient for this post. You could have had a caption contest. You still could! Jolly-good fun it would be! :)

    Kristen Mae recently posted Vacations are supposed to be FUN, Kate Gosselin.

  137. My friends have told me that Latino men are aggressive, but I guess that the stereotype also emcompasses confused/desparate iguanas and homeless horses.

    Christine recently posted The Dream that Made my First Day in Ninth Grade Even Worse.

  138. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who is always in the loud part of a room… or maybe the loud part of an island. You make me feel so much better about my life.

    Maria recently posted Art Appreciation: After Dinner.

  139. i love your blog because i always learn something important. who knew iguanas liked bananas in that way???

  140. I don’t even have time to read this right now, but just wanted to mention that I read the “OD’ing on laxatives” chapter of your book everyday other day and just recited it to an audience (of 2) but didn’t do it justice because when it got to the part about the girl getting poop removed by a doctor I started tearing up a little.

    I’m sorry.
    I love you.

    Goodbye.

  141. Wait… They go up AND down??

    Curiosity recently posted Call Waiting.

  142. Since a terrible plague took the life of many female iguanas, horny male iguanas have been getting it on with bananas.

    They never have a headache.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Of all things canine today….

  143. Nothing like rampant iguanas to spice up a holiday!

    LOVE the horse pictures as well , what a babe.

    Jodie recently posted 2012 - The year of Great Britain?.

  144. I’ve never had a horse try and eat my phone, but I did have a mountain goat try, repeatedly, to throw itself in front of our van when we went on vacation.

    sarina recently posted My summer bucket list.

  145. WHY THE HELL YOU COME TO PUERTO RICO WITHOUT LETTING YOUR PUERTORRICAN FANS KNOW!!!??? We could have had the most amazing get together full of whimsy fuckery ,banana horny iguanas and escaped lab monkeys

    PS. Sam: hazy political reason? the island was used for over 60 years as a military practice site for bombs and chemical warfare. The island was left completely polluted and contaminated (still is), to the point where cancer among civilians became an epidemic.

    Also, plantains are the food of the gods!!

    lena recently posted The times, they are a changing....

  146. You know any time you can wander onto explosive territory, you’re having a good vacation.

    Jen Marie recently posted Spaghetti Squash Casserole with Chicken & Broccoli.

  147. I studied your marrix picture for quite a while trying to figure it out… ummmmmmmmmmm… then it hit me like lightening! A seat belt buckle! whew that one was gonna keep me up at night.

    Jessica recently posted Patriotism freaks me out.

  148. I need that tee shirt. Also, that is the WEIRDEST photo of an iguana I’ve ever seen in my life. And I live in Miami, so I see a lot of photos of iguanas.

    Jenn @therebelchick recently posted 37th Annual Eastern Band Cherokee Nation Pow Wow in Cherokee, NC.

  149. That WAS half-assed. But the black top, being full-cleavaged, made up for it.

    omchelsea recently posted Aliens..

  150. I didn’t think I’d ever know anyone else who had gone to Vieques! It is the most awesome island ever. Did you know that all the horses do belong to people? Apparently, when you need your horse (to get to the liquor store or something) you track it down, ride him or her to your destination, then when you’re done, you turn him or her loose again. It’s all very efficient.

    We’re also fuckers for having messed up their gorgeous island and increased the cancer rates on the island by something like 50%.

  151. To be fair, that’s EXACTLY what I do when I want to use someone’s phone/camera to check twitter.

    Rai recently posted On sticking something in my vagina.

  152. Oh Jenny,
    I saw the review on the Today Show! I was so excited for you! Plus, I had just finished your book and thought I was so ahead of the game, since they were just talking about it. One other thing, I handed your book to my mother, and warned her there may or may not be language she will disapprove of. She hasn’t put it down yet!! I love hearing her giggle, cover her eyes, and dig right back into it! Nice work, lady! :)

  153. It’s true, Cafe Rio is the best.

  154. I have to say that the tweeted pictures were hilarious! Why take pictures of the beautiful things! People can see that stuff anytime. The signs and art may be taken down and lost forever in some vault of an evil overlord trying to take over the world!

    I like your pictures better!

    Sweety Darlin recently posted Are you F*CKING kidding me?!?!?! B*TCH!.

  155. 155
    Anonymous

    In the Tucson library today I saw there were 118 holds on the 17 copies of your book. I’m pleased to see that it’s working out for you.

  156. OMG that shirt is hilarious!!! I could have used that today actually! We are in the process of potty training my son!

    http://www.SpilledMilkStyle.com
    A blog for stylish moms despite all the spilled milk!

  157. I can’t believe you went to Vieques!!! It’s only the site of our best vacation ever! Please post more awesomeness about your trip. Please.

  158. We just spent 6 weeks on Vieques & plan to be moving back there soon…………where did you see the Baguanas painting…we never saw it. We both read your book while down there, absolutely loved it!! Horses, iguanas, crabs, birds…….hope you stopped by Al’s Mar Azul for sunset & drinks!
    Please tell me you went to the bio bay!

  159. 159
    paperclipgirl102

    Hello!
    First time stumbler onto your blog. I’ve been reading your book. LOVE IT! I had to share this crazy coincidence with you. We just got back from our honeymoon on Vieques. It was AWESOME! But, the crazy thing was, I ran out of books to read, so I bought yours off a whim while on the island. We almost peed ourselves with after reading the first chapter.
    Crazy to come across your blog and see a post that your were in Vieques around the same time as us…and also I bought your book there. :)

  160. 160
    TarHeel Girl

    Silly girl, that warning sign was not about the Matrix. It was warning you about EJECTULATION!

  161. Penises defy gravity all the time. Why is there a need for a sign? :P

  162. I am totally going to buy the “That’s not my pee” shirt, but not for the reason that inspired you to create it. My sweetie and his son have very poor aim, and are constantly blaming one another when my daughter and I use the toilet and complain that our socks get wet… with pee… boy pee. Does it come in a size XXL? Respect and Regards, “Amanda Rekenwith”

    Amanda Rekenwith recently posted The Beast Master.

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