This isn’t a real post

Hi.  This isn’t a real post.  It’s a video of me speaking in London.  Except that I wasn’t really in London because that would be expensive, so instead I just called in and they put me on the jumbotron so I LITERALLY looked enormous compared to the other women on the panel.   Part of my speech ended up on this video by the wonderful @newmumonline but luckily she edited out the part where I was attacked by my cat, and the other part where I pretended to be Godzilla stalking my tiny, unsuspecting co-panelists.

It was awesome.  Thank you, London.

144 replies. read them below or add one

  1. London Calling!

    ilikebeerandbabies recently posted A Few of My Favorite Things.

  2. I SO WANT to see the cat-attack outtakes!!!

    Nic recently posted How I Got Screwed Over Royally by US Airways.

  3. How did you resist pinching your fingers and shouting “IM SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!”

  4. You look good large.

    Natalie, the Chickenblogger recently posted One Glass of Wine, With Wes Anderson.

  5. I think I can see your pores from here.
    They look fantastic. <3

    Ellie Di recently posted You’re the real you: A story about mirrors, reflections, and Self.

  6. 6
    NtYtCrzyCatLdy

    I need Cat Attack outtakes…

  7. How can you NOT pretend to be a giant Godzilla eating the tiny other panelists? I mean, duh! What did they expect when they threw you up on the jumbotron?

    Todd recently posted Twiddle Me This.

  8. What do you mean “luckily she out the part where I was attacked by my cat, and the other part where I pretended to be Godzilla stalking my tiny, unsuspecting co-panelists”?! Those sound like the best parts! The two couldn’t be more “Bloggess”… I say a re-unedit is needed!

    Kerri F recently posted RIP Cyrus.

  9. Funniest woman ALIVE. Think about that. Those are some ENORMOUS shoes.

    Stephanie recently posted Growing My Own.

  10. You define “luckily” funny

    Erin recently posted A Room for Big Brother G.

  11. Better to be there virtually than deal with the possible threat of daleks, cybermen or other aliens that will invariably attempt a takeover at Christmas. :-)

  12. You’re clearly the most important.

    Stephen Battey recently posted I really don’t have a title for this one, but here it is anyway..

  13. “I want to wear your skin!” – LOVE. My favorite new troll defense tactic.

    Corley recently posted Ukulele Wednesday | The Way I am.

  14. It was hilarious – partly because it seemed perfectly normal to have a ginormous image of a woman on the stage. The other reason was the cat attack which punctuated the discussion and distracted all of us in the audience and baffled the onstage panel members who couldn’t see you. As for Godzilla – well that reminded me it was the middle of the night for you in Texas and I smiled and thought ‘poor love needs to get some sleep.’

    Thanks for joining us, it was grand to have you there :o)

  15. But…
    …I really want to see you Godzilla-stalking other panelists.. (tiny man-pout)

    Also, I know you don’t respond to email (especially not from random fans), but a few days ago, I emailed you a link to a taxidermied squirrel riding a taxidermied snake like a cowboy. I sent it to you because I just couldn’t help it.. Hope you laughed really hard..
    I would buy it for you, except I am a private music teacher. (translation: “Am poor.”)

  16. OMG – I love how you handle trolls! Awesome! :) And you look great. The camera always adds pounds. I look like Ethel the Cow.

    Crystal recently posted Confusing Fashion Trends of 2013.

  17. Please tell me there will be another event where you will battle Mothra.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted Just because I'm Asian, it doesn't mean I'm the nanny.

  18. You look like you’re ruling over your minions! Like the Emperor in Star Wars.

    John recently posted ode to ina: grown up mac & cheese.

  19. I heart you! And? I want to see that cat attack.

    Natalie recently posted My New Writing Gigs.

  20. I’m sort of disappointed it wasn’t filmed from your bathroom, but otherwise, awesomesauce :)

    Julie recently posted Expensive toys.

  21. LOVE IT! Personally, I think getting to appear via Jumbotron is pretty much like being Oprah. Or the President. Next time see if you can do it at the Olympics! ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted “SITS” Yourself Down!.

  22. I wish so bad that they hadn’t edited out the good stuff! You look great on the big screen my dear!

    Sara recently posted Kleenexes and Creeps.

  23. I SOOOOOOOOOOOO want to see the Godzilla part!

    Scotland recently posted All the best things are inflatable.

  24. I would have loved to see the Godzilla thing. Great job, Jenny.

  25. It’s ok that I’m hearing you say Thank you, London in a pop star voice, on stage in front of a screaming crowd of adoring yet silly underwear throwing fans, right? Good.

    Arnebya recently posted That Time My Kid Was Kicked Out of Daycare.

  26. See – survey says “you must show the Godzilla outtakes!”

    The people have spoken.

  27. I have to ditto Kerry (#8). Why in the world would we not want to see you as Godzilla?! C’mon people!!!!

  28. The world is a smaller place because of the missing Gozilla footage.

  29. I concur with the group…need to see the Godzilla and cat attack outtakes.

    Jess recently posted "What's with TODAY, today?".

  30. I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ.

    Melissa B recently posted Veterans Day.

  31. I don’t know how you resisted having an “I AM YOUR OVERLORD” moment.

  32. You look like God!

  33. Jenny, you’re simply delightful. My heart hearts you. :)

    Cathy recently posted Real mature, America.

  34. OMG… If you would have whipped out some Barbies and bit their heads off all Ozzy style, I would have peed myself.

    Congrats on terrorizing London!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted Things me and Abraham Lincoln have in common: 1. We are both master axe wielders and 2. We can both kill the fuck out of some vampires.

  35. I would like to see the cat attack also. Who does not want to see a cat trying to kill you on the internet from the internet? Common, it could be classic!

    tabitha W recently posted Twist, breath, bend..

  36. Part of me now wants to write something trolly so you’ll change it something better than what I come up with and then I can take credit for it. But I won’t.

    Melissa Marie recently posted Age is something like a number. A very big number..

  37. OMG, I love your possibly unethical behavior!!! Why haven’t I thought of that in all these years? I dumb.

    So where’s the outtakes video again?

    Junk Drawer Kathy recently posted Life is Like Movie Props. You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get.

  38. You look like a less scary version, but a mightier, brighter version of the Wizard of Oz…..when he appears on the big wall when they enter his chamber…..oh never mind. I can see it in my head.

  39. You know what they say. The camera adds 10,000 pounds.

    Kari recently posted One question you never want to hear at the doctor’s office.

  40. OH MY GOODNESS I sure wish we could have seen the outtakes!

    I especially would have loved to see the godzilla moment!

    Tara W recently posted I remember.

  41. Who else skipped forward after about two and a half minutes to hear only the parts when Jenny was speaking? Also, I agree with everyone else that I’d like to see the edited stuff!

    Wendy recently posted Candlelight Vigil.

  42. 42
    Tracy Pierceall

    Sounds like they edited out the best parts. Please show attack cat and Godzilla!!!

  43. Also, thanks for sharing perspective on the grey ethics of blogging. I’m new at this and I struggle with absolutely wanting to respect the privacy of people I may talk about and still wanting to share my stories. I’m always interested in perspectives on that.

    Melissa Marie recently posted Age is something like a number. A very big number..

  44. Great advice! Now show us the cat attacks and godzilla stuff :)

    Emelie recently posted The Best Thing I Ever Saw in Colonial Williamsburg.

  45. A cape. You need a Ming the Merciless cape with the flipped up, 8 inch high collar. Bwaaa Haaa haaa.

  46. Heed my words, tiny women, or I shall CRUSH YOUR VILLAGE

    in bed with married women recently posted On Submission to Desire.

  47. Would have loved to see your Godzilla imitation…

  48. “I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL BLOGGESS!! Pay no attention to that cat behind the curtain…”

    Danielle St. John recently posted On Weight Loss, Or Can We Have Fewer Catty Bitches, Please?.

  49. Ooooh, you sound so fancy in British. I wish I could type accents.

    Kara recently posted OWH Thank You Midweek Throwdown.

  50. 50
    Tracy Pierceall

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with juggling motherhood, family life, and working life. It helps to know that it’s okay to “suck” at something once in awhile. That it’s impossible to be perfect at everything. I’ve really been struggling with that lately though I’m getting better (at not caring).

  51. “I love you and I want to wear your skin.” I love this so much that I kind of want to add this as a comment on a whole bunch of your posts, just to see if people wonder if you changed it yourself. :)

  52. i would like to see the blooper reel too!

  53. I don’t understand the decision to edit you being Godzilla OUT. I would think that would be highlighted. Unless, of course, it’s being held for the Director’s Cut DVD.

    Erica recently posted Let me tell you about Evening.

  54. If I had trolls, I would sooooooo used your method! (Taking troll applications……)

    Claire recently posted Where Are My @#$^%@#$% Glasses??.

  55. awesome yes, but I’m pretty sure I would have loved to see your cat attack you.

    Kp recently posted Wedding Wednesday - The Bridal Party.

  56. I want to be just like you. I want to wear your skin. And no, Jenny didn’t change this. But she so should because that’s some creepy shit right there.

    Amy recently posted 21 Days Later…. (Sugar Detox Wrap-up).

  57. We need to see the whole thing! I want to see you stalking the panelists!

    stacey@havoc&mayhem recently posted Wordy Wednesday.

  58. Uhm I’m horribly confused here, how is this a good editing job? How is cutting out you being Godzilla (because lets face it everyone wants to be godzilla) or being attacked by your cat bad? It sounds wonderful, and funny. And much like you.

    Rebekah Mae recently posted Group Prensentations.

  59. Your response to trolls has quite possibly made my entire week.

    Julia H. @ Live Young & Prosper recently posted Italian Quinoa Stuffed Peppers.

  60. Please tell me this happened on Guy Fawkes Day and you decided to hold an alternative celebration with a Godzilla attack instead of fireworks. Please.

    Condo Blues recently posted Odd Job Tool Giveaway.

  61. My friend MadameGuillotine was on one of the panels at this thing. I really wish I could’ve been there.

    You should totally come to London by the way, because it’s awesome.

    Sam recently posted The Story Of The Travelling Red Dress.

  62. You rule.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Good show.

  63. Darn, I totally wanted to see the cat and Godzilla part.

  64. You sounded *gasp* inspirational AND knowledgeable. Both rare qualities in someone the size of a T-rex. Well done!

    Wendy Roberts recently posted DEAD SUITE - Ghost Dusters 4.

  65. Too bad on the editing – I think the part where you Godzilla stalked your panelists would have been gold!

    Colleen recently posted Monday Music Break - Dead Can Dance.

  66. Since I’m currently ripping out my own hair raising all 5 of my teenagers in a 3 bedroom apt; I cannot attend anything like BLOGHER or other conference about writing. So getting to see you on JUMBOTRON and listen in on how you and these other women are attempting to balance blog writing, book writing, and raising your kids! And the questions that these women were asking are similar to the questions that I would be asking. Thank you for sharing.

    Nikki Mohamed recently posted Always the Bad Cop.

  67. You look like the bit from 1984 the movie where they had big brother’s head up on a giant screen giving orders to everyone. Except you look way less evil. And also I think that big brother thing was from a commercial. Otherwise, dead on.

    Holly Folly recently posted Storm Time, the Reckoning.

  68. I’m jumping on the Godzilla bandwagon. I need to see that part of the video. Puh-leeeze?

  69. I love that you change mean people’s comments…brilliant.

    Lindsey recently posted The Rush of Writing.

  70. WHY OH WHY would someone edit out the best parts??

    Alexandra recently posted Dream Shaman.

  71. don’t ever stop.

    Simone recently posted Have you seen my bottle?.

  72. That is AWESOME! You are one lucky lady.
    Did you sit in the bathroom for 15 minutes before the conference making sure there were no stragglers in your nose? I would have. I would have flossed about 15 times and waxed my upper lip too. Just in case. You never know what people are going to notice when your head is 20 feet tall.
    I also would have been sitting there pretending to eat the other panelists.
    Kudos, Jenny. You are one ballsy chick, and while I don’t want to wear your skin (you kind of need that), I WOULD happily wear you as a hat.

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted Tip #1 for dating a cougar: Make sure she’s human..

  73. The Bloggess: Living Large In London! Kinda like “The Purple Rose of Cairo” except you didn’t climb out of the screen. Could you please figure out how to do that? That would be awesome!

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Guy Fieri Bites Big Time: Diners Driven To Dive Toward Bubba Gump's Shrimp Hut Due To a Triple D Minus Review.

  74. It kind of looks like you might be the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. Like you might just suddenly decide to eat the other people or something.

    Rachel recently posted An Open Letter To People Who Imitate Elephants.

  75. Phoning it in again I see.

  76. You look like “God of the Panel”. “Queen overseer!” Incidentally, I would have paid money to see the part where you were attacked by your cat. HST I presume?

    Tammy recently posted Breathing. It’s overrated….

  77. You look so pretty!

  78. Oh, I SO want to see the Godzilla part and the cat attacks. Assuming it was HST and not FM?

  79. So I saw this and thought maybe this was yours and you left it and someone elses house…

    http://cheezburger.com/6754157568

  80. This isn’t a real comment.

  81. Enjoyed this, thank you!

    Winopants recently posted A Black and Orange Birthday Mess of Fail.

  82. I’ve died and gone to heaven and in heaven @theBloggess is talking about me.
    Knock knock knockin on heaven’s doooooor!
    xxx
    MWAH!

    Liska recently posted The Past 24 Hours.

  83. I would like to see the part of you being attacked by a cat.

    Robyn Webb recently posted I HAVE EXCITING NEWS!!!!!!!.

  84. Your head was so big I could see it from my sofa at the other end of the country! Great that you could take part: ~I know that all the bloggers were stoked that you took part.

    Domestic Goddesque recently posted Coloured melting bead Diwas: Diwali craft.

  85. I forgive you, Jenny; this isn’t a real comment…

  86. I like that one commenter who thinks you only impersonated Godzilla because you were tired. They must be a new reader.

  87. As usual, your comments were funny and priceless. You could totally do stand-up comedy with your fabulous deadpan delivery. :)

    Daisy Dexter Dobbs recently posted Killing off Daisy Dexter Dobbs: A Murder Plot Gets Foiled.

  88. All those ladies could have fit in your giant mouth all at once!
    And that’s a compliment.

    Melissa recently posted A Blogyear Timesuck.

  89. 91
    Lady Penelope

    *finally* someone using the word ‘literally’ correctly.

    P.S. We can see up your nose …

  90. Very Cool! Plus – it just verifies for those folks across that pond that everything truly is bigger in Texas!!

    Laura Ehlers recently posted Oh Don't Get Your Pantaloons and Petticoats in a Bunch.

  91. You wear jumbotron well.

    Joules recently posted Bird Watching.

  92. Why oh why would she edit out THE BEST PARTS!???

  93. Damnit! I would have loved to watch you stalk your copanelists! Tell her to put that part back in!!

    Heather recently posted Sexy Shower for… 3?.

  94. …joins the throng clamoring for cat attacks and Godzilla impressions.

  95. Once again, you were charming and amazingly interesting. Your poise and humor were great!!
    Kathy

  96. 98
    turtlesong17 (@turtlesong17)

    so are the “out-takes” going to be posted somewhere for the enjoyment of your flock? are we a flock? we could be a murder. you know, like crows.

  97. it was godzilla-ish. JUST KIDDING! you look marvelous and so london. ;o)

    monica recently posted Happy Blogthday To Me..

  98. god damnit. you are so fucking cool.

    natalie recently posted Dear Facebook, you are ruining my life....

  99. Wow!! you’re going global!! yayy! :)

    Miss Gee recently posted Daring Childishly, failing Miserably..

  100. I want to see the cat (HST, I presume) attack you. He’d look so big!

    Lisa F. recently posted Alice in Wonderland.

  101. I should have made a video yesterday when I was decimating throngs of scurrying, screaming ants who had invaded my kitchen. Much like your co-panelists, they were unsuspecting. And much like you, I was pretending to be Godzilla. Sadly, I don’t think anyone gives a fuck about ant-genocide :(

    Please share your attacks!

    XLMIC recently posted Hump Day.

  102. You know you’ve done something when you’ve got the biggest head in the room.
    I love that London is so smart as to have you.

    shea recently posted them now.

  103. Great interview! Love your take on balancing all aspects of life – or rather juggling – and how we shouldn’t self-sabotage when we have to let go of one of those aspects during a given week. Kudos to you :-)

  104. Linked to you a lot here
    http://newmumonline.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/reasons-to-be-cheerful-discovery.html
    to thank you for linking to me.
    I have commented before, above, (the knockin on heaven’s door comment) but as it was as “Liska” it probably got lost in the midst of the comments of your many fans.
    Anyway you rock, and “I want to wear your skin” LOL ;-)
    Liska xx

    New Mum Online recently posted Reasons To Be Cheerful - DISCOVERY, Mexicans and Mumsnet Blogfest.

  105. I love living in the future!

    jesspants recently posted NaBloPoMo – 14/30.

  106. You are the great and powerful Oz…

    Amy (KidFreeLiving) recently posted Daniel Day-Lewis Facts.

  107. If they ever do a remake of the “Attack of the 50′ Woman”you’re all ready!

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Flaming vaginas and Snorks just for you-.

  108. I finally got to see this. Great advice! But man oh man, being on the jumbotron? I’d hate that! My pores are already too large…

    Kim recently posted Lessons for my children – Theme Thursday.

  109. I love your troll policy. I think it’s a better way of handling them than just about any other policy I’ve seen.

    And I don’t think you “lose feminist points” for saying that you can’t be the best at everything all the time. I think that’s a really valuable and important point to make. A lot of people (women, but probably also men) feel like they must be HORRIBLE FAILURES for not being 100% awesome at everything they try to do or need to do… and no one should be made to feel that way. By all means, do the best you can, and kick ass at as much as you reasonably can, but don’t torment yourself for being “a bad (whatever you think you’re neglecting right now)” just because you aren’t a rockstar at every single aspect of your life at every time.

    Katy recently posted July 7 through 9, 2012 - Back to Colorado.

  110. This isn’t a real comment.

    Issa recently posted Day 79 - A Little Disjointed, But Still Hilarious.

  111. Idea: we build a holographic Bloggess projector and then let the giant, shimmering photon conglomeration loose in Las Vegas!

    Heaton recently posted Conclusion of the Hostel Saga.

  112. Please tell me you’ve seen this: http://cheezburger.com/6754157568

    I thought of you immediately in the best possible way! :)

  113. Ok, I was secretly hoping you’d do this in an English accent. I’d pay some serious Euros to hear that :)

  114. 1. I’m from Jersey originally and I don’t understand a damn thing they said 2. You’re from Texas you know damn well you were sitting there going BLOG-ASS, who the hell is the BLOG-ASS she insulting me. 3. What would have truly made this awesome for me is if you would have worn a big BLOG-ASS hat. They were Brits after all.

  115. P.S. IF by chance any of them are reading your Blog right now…ah awesome show..bravo there….

  116. WHY in the world would you edit out you acting like godzilla?!

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Thursday Things 11.15.12.

  117. Okay, so I TRIED finding a mail address to contact you on, so this wouldn’t litter the comments on a random post. No such luck. You probably won’t even read this.

    BUT.

    I found a picture of another boobie mushroom!

    http://9gag.com/gag/5848134

    See? God has been talking to someone else! Or possibly, it’s just a totally normal kind of mushroom that just so happens to look like everyone’s favourite body part, but still. Mushroom! Boobies!
    :D

    Nat recently posted Adventure time!.

  118. I admit, I started watching it entirely for the Godzilla moment, then re-read your comment and was sad, because they edited out the best bits of the beautifully funny, ridiculous you.

    Rawr!

  119. you are awesomely famous…

    melissa wye geraci recently posted lighting the candle.

  120. Luckily she edited out the godzilla part?! That should most certainly be “Unluckily”

    Vanessa recently posted Crickets, balloon launchers, and specialists, oh my!.

  121. Great talk, good composure via telecom.

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Can Literary Lightning Strike Twitter Twice?.

  122. That reminds me of that 1984-inspired Apple Computer commercial. Except instead of your face on the big screen there was an old bald guy asking everyone to be submissive to the government.

    Way to go!

    The Digitorialist recently posted As Seen On TV (Or, An Open Letter to Guy Fieri).

  123. I want to see the outtakes!!!!!

    Nicki recently posted A New Tattoo For “The Project”!!.

  124. Can we please see the Godzilla and cat attack? Please? Everything was lovely but THAT would be the cherry on top.

  125. You should never have told us about the missing Godzilla and cat attack parts….you will never rest until we see them now. :D

  126. Damn. I want to see the Director’s Cut!

    Becki Jolly recently posted Disney Pixar's Brave- Now on DVD/BluRay.

  127. http://www.incrediblethings.com/pets/wtf-taxidermy-squirrel-riding-rattlesnake/

    I would have loved to get this for you, however it was $550 and I’m currently responsible for keeping 4 boys alive and I am pretty sure my husband would not appreciate it the way it should be. So all I can offer you is to just stare longingly at it. And hunt down the person that bought it, and then steal it from them. No, don’t because stealing is bad and wrong.

  128. Whoa. See that button up there on the right? The one that says, Lisa decided it was time to take a stress management class? I’m Lisa. And stressed. And ironically, I just decided to click that button. Weird…

    Lucy Ball recently posted Revenge.

  129. I love how you look down on people… like an awesome Goddess, really.

    Debby recently posted Day 54 – And then I started a war on Pinterest..

  130. 133
    Kathie Robinson

    Honestly, when not talking, you have the same look I do when I want a wine slushie, but I am not sure if it would be appropriate or if anyone would notice if I snuck one on the sly.

  131. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with your latest blog. It is just freaking hilarious. Hope you have time to check it out and chuckle. I did! http://deadspin.com/5959212/the-haters-guide-to-the-williams+sonoma-catalog

  132. Your stupid.
    I mean, you should be hung.
    That screen makes your head look big.
    HECK.
    OK, I admit it; I wanna’ wear your skin.
    XO
    G

  133. HEY! I didn’t say that!!
    (The part about the screen)

  134. As you ARE like, the giant of the blogging world, I think it’s only correct for you to dwarf the other panelists.

    Claire J recently posted London and the Science.

  135. I love a girl who can make a Silence of the Lambs “wear your skin” reference funny! You are the best.

    XO,
    Alyssa

    Alyssa W. recently posted Learning to Stand.

  136. Um? I’m sorry… Did you say that is was LUCKY that she edited out the part where you stalked your un-suspecting co-panelists, Godzilla-style? I apologise, Mrs. Lawson, I adore your writing AND your face, but we might have to break up. I mean, maybe. At least take a break. Or not. But SERIOUSLY, WHY CAN’T I SEE THAT?!! (I am sorry for online yelling. I feel very strongly about pretending to be a dinosaur.)

  137. Hi Jenny!!

    Off topic (although is Dr Who really ever off topic?)

    Have you seen this already? A new children’s Xmas minisode to help tide us over. This link should work…
    http://allmyvideos.net/k9lajp79yusm

    K

  138. I couldn’t really hear what you said, the audio was not that great on my end :(
    Is there a youtube link or something? I would really like to hear what you said.

    Shefali recently posted This Time Last Year.

  139. You really need to get “in” with The Doctor. He could have just dropped you by London on The TARDIS. THAT’S the way to travel! I don’t know why you didn’t think of this yourself!

    Jaime recently posted Sleeeeeeep...Updated!.

  140. Godzilla & cat attacks please!

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