And you still haven't found what you're searching for. Because my blog got in your way.

At the end of each year I pull up my analytics to see what search terms actually brought people to this blog because it’s incredibly confusing to everyone involved.  2012 was no exception and I’m sharing a few of my favorite google searches that brought you all here (in order of # people searching that term).  Never change, weirdos…

2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com:

“Knock knock, motherfucker” ~  3,308 

“Sasquatch sightings”  ~ 2,086

“This chicken will cut you” ~ 490

“Thanks for ruining batman” ~ 403

“I have no idea what I’m doing” ~ 288

“No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” ~ 99

“Feet must be covered while sleeping” ~ 79

“Hamster erections” ~ 79

“What size shirt should my cat wear?” – 69

“Chupacabra cobra death match” ~ 59

“zombie chicken porn” ~ 49

“What to do if your wife is obsessed with unicorns?” ~ 40

“What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” – 35

“Nathan Fillion shirtless” – 32

“Green poop at Disney World” ~ 31

“Dead whores” ~ 29

“World of Warcraft blow job” ~ 16

“National Vomit Day” ~ 14

“I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

“Shit that shouldn’t be” ~ 10

“Meth in vagina makes sex better” ~ 5

“hey my name is rebekah what’s yours? i really like baked cheese and bears and such hahahahahahha i can type without looking at my key board” ~ 4

“Unruly vagina hair” – 4

“How did the hamsters even get jet lag?” ~ 3

“Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” ~ 1

“One letter is in my name is misspelled on my meds so will they take it at the airport?” ~ 1

“Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

“Nazi outfit on a weasel” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino with mange” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino without mange” ~ 1

“Cheese is funner”  ~ 1

“Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” ~ 1

“Anteaters dressed like people” ~ 1

“bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies” ~ 1

********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the lovely Masala Chica.  From the author: “In Hindi, the word “Masala” means spice. I originally wrote a lot about growing up Indian American but most of the posts I write are universal, so the whole “Masala” thing doesn’t make as much sense. But I still like it. I write about family, politics, feminism, music, books and I bitch about a lot of random things. Disclaimer: I like gay people, immigrants and the homeless. Be forewarned.”

211 replies. read them below or add one

  1. It’s hard to believe “hamster erections,” didn’t do better. The corpsey gay bird chocolate vampire couple must have happened before I discovered you. I’m off to learn more about that.

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted In Defense of My Mess.

  2. Thank you – You are an inspiration to us all! Now I must go find some meth to see if that really does work!

  3. I have a feeling “Knock, knock motherfucker” will never get old.

    LynnDee recently posted The Best NOT Shitty Books of 2012.

  4. Most people come to my blog by searching “Japanese housewife.” I’m sure they’re looking for something else. Why? Because the second largest search term that inexplicably brings them to me is “naughty Japanese housewife.” Ewwww.

  5. Me thinks some of those people ended up here by accident. I’d hate to meet the person searching for “Dead Whores”

  6. “This Chicken will cut you” is my fav! It’s just so random to have that many hits.

    Thanks for the laugh Jenny!

  7. If your top google searches were links I’d never make it to my mother’s for Sunday dinner. So you will probably see some more hits on some of those terms. I hope I don’t get too google scarred.

    My Half Assed Life recently posted Crackers and Assless Chaps..

  8. People get to my blog from Google by typing Oblivion Donkey Corner. Still haven’t figured that one out.

    Holly Folly recently posted Scott's Birthday, Drinking and the Wii.

  9. What she didn’t tell us is those search numbers are by the million.

  10. I’m responsible for 78 of the hamster erection ones.

    I think you may need to score this using a curve.

    moooooog35 recently posted My next Tweet - Kardashians and Taylor Swift and dog poop, OH MY!.

  11. I bring up my analytics at the end of the year and look at the same things!

    I always feel bad for the people who find my blog for something that I mentioned but the rest of the entry was about how I was having chicken for dinner that night.

    Stephen Battey recently posted This one is also about cats..

  12. *sighs* I’m so jealous of the searches that get people to your blog. Mine are all so boring…

    Erin recently posted "Nuh UH. I eat what I WANT!" (or How I'm Managing Gestational Diabetes with Diet).

  13. DO the predators get paid? It never crossed my mind before, but now…

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9 – “Game of Chicken”.

  14. Oh, post by post, I fall even more in love with you. Knock, knock, motherfucker.

  15. A surprising number of people find my blog by searching for “teleportation device accessories.” I’d really like to meet those people.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Place Your Bets.

  16. Oh, that last one is lyrics from one of the songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s musical episode!

    What? Doesn’t everyone have that episode memorized?

    Kelly recently posted Fractal No. 868.

  17. These people should start a support group: “I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

  18. Yeah, it totally sucked trying to search hamster erections this year. Thanks for that.

    PS: If you type in “Fat and miserable” into Google, my blog is the first hit. I’m not even shitting you. And no, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that, but thanks for asking.

    The Maven recently posted He's a Rockstar - or Maybe a Billy Goat.

  19. My friend stared at me funny when I started hyperventilating about the fanfiction. Thank you, for making them think I’m crazier than I actually am.

    Zena Zee recently posted We Read Crap.

  20. “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” didn’t make it??
    Poor Copernicus.

  21. My favorite post ever. I feel like hamsters should only lead to you. And taxidermy.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Friday Feasts: How Pinterest Inspired Us To Change Our Lives.

  22. I seem to get a TON of hits for “kim kardashian no clothes” and “kim kardashian naked”.
    I’m assuming many of those people leave my site in a very pissed-off mood…

  23. Kelly (#17), I assume so. *shrug* I know I do! :)

  24. They were all pretty funny except for “meth in the vagina.” That one scares the shit out of me. ‘I wrote about 50 Shades of Grey’ on my blog, so a lot of people find my blog via search terms such as “anal beads” and the like.

    Yay.

    Kristen Mae recently posted Some Things You Might Not Have Considered About Guns.

  25. Now I have to go check the search terms on my blog.

    Melissa Lawler recently posted Bring Your Own Lettuce #BYOL.

  26. I LOVE that the lyrics from the Buffy musical brought someone to your site.

    HeatherB recently posted New Year New Food Choices.

  27. I love the Zombie Chicken porn. I get people searching for insect porn, landing on my blog and I am all, what the fuck people? How do you make porn with insects?
    Maybe we could make a diorama of Zombie Chickens with Zombie Insects, throw in some bad music and a fellow with a 1970s style moustache and we could corner the market for bizarre internet searches. :)

    Kim @frogpondsrock recently posted Of Trolls and Bridges.

  28. OMG, I’m laughing so much, I hurt.

    How do people think of these things to search for? Too fucking funny.

    Ishtar recently posted New Name: Life Uncalculated.

  29. Green poop at Disney World! LMAO!!!! I need to look that up…

    Devon Stewart recently posted First Setback.

  30. Just be thankful the word “Daddy” isn’t in the name of your site. I’d share some of my incoming search terms with you, but doing so would probably land me on the sex-offender registry.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted Happy New Year!.

  31. I love your calendar, but some of the reviewers were a little rough on you: “A great gift for someone you hate.”
    Oh wait, that was one of my reviews from my Amazon book page…. Sorry.

    The Hook recently posted The Hook Pays a Visit to a Crazy Working Mom – And You Should Too!.

  32. THAT SLOTHS VIDEO!

    Alicea recently posted HALLELUJAH!!.

  33. No wonder I never find anything on Google. My search terms aren’t specific enough.

    That 35 people wanted to know “What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” has my mind boggled.

    Sue recently posted Too many decisions..

  34. So, while checking out one of your links I noticed, that I haven’t yet pre-ordered your next book. So I went to Amazon.de to change that and while searching for your name, Amazon suggested a book named “It Takes A Village To Kill Your Husband”. Do you have anything to say for yourself, “Jethro Collins”?

    Oh, and while looking for Furiously Happy on Amazon.com, I was redirected to Chef’n Bananza Banana Slicer. This is getting stranger with every Amazon. Gotta chech out the others. I wonder what you did to the Swedish one.

  35. Favorite one: “unruly vagina hair.” LOLOLOLOLOLOL

    Sarah recently posted Lazy Sundays.

  36. How did that Buffy line link to your website?

  37. Out of all of those, “What size shirt should my cat wear?” made me laugh out loud for some reason:)

    Someone got to my blog by googling “bunghole pics” if that makes you feel any better!

    downfromtheledge recently posted I want my body back, body back, body back.....

  38. Okay Nathan Fillion, we love you and you were well within your rights not to hold that twine, but I can’t help but notice that “hamster erections” beat “you, shirtless” by more than 2 to 1. Just sayin’.

  39. You inspired me to check mine! Rounding out the top two… Dinosaur porn and fuck Mickey mouseb

  40. I love looking at the search terms that bring people to blogs. Even some of the ones that aren’t meant to be funny are hilarious depending upon how you read them. An example from my stats: “how to tell my husband we are pregnant with fortune cookies.”

    Stacey recently posted Team Pink.

  41. Most of these are only strange if they were not trying to get to your blog. If they don’t know who the hell you are, then these people have some issues to work out.

    And apparently at Disney world they serve way too many foods and/or drinks artificially colored blue.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted This was going to be an intellectual post with thoughts and musings about vibrators and couples with me tempering my rage against those who get offended by sex toys.

  42. I LOVE looking at my searches! Your “hamster erections” has got to be my favorite!

    Sadly, my top two searches are “Tampon Porn” and “Is Santa Real?” I never knew tampon porn was a thing & I feel sorry for those kids, I’m certain I ruined their Christmas for a multitude of reasons.

    Kim recently posted Free Advice Friday: One is the loneliest number.

  43. Sadly my blog gets most of its hits from things like dairy free hazelnut ice cream and things like that. Now I feel so boring!

    Seanna Lea recently posted more holiday reveals.

  44. Knock, knock motherfucker does it for me everytime xx

    Tom Stronach recently posted Time to Burn Down National Governments.

  45. What IS with all the fucking bunnies? I mean, really. Unless they’re taxidermied (humanely).

    tracey recently posted My Precious.

  46. Pretty good Google grabs. Have you checked your Bing bang?

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Executive Severance Chapter 1: The Twitstery Begins.

  47. I think the fact that people are googling “Knock, knock motherfucker” really speaks to your internet popularity.

    Also, SLOTHS.

    Nicky recently posted Meditation of the day.

  48. I’m totally intrigued by Bloggess fanfic. And those are funny as hell: people seem to find my blog with more inappropriate porn phrases, less dressed up dead things.

    Jess recently posted I Am Not Resolute, Bitches!.

  49. “zombie chicken porn” is exactly how I found you! You have never seen true porn until you have seen it living dead poultry style.

    Basically Brittany recently posted You say fail, I say win..

  50. I’m rather surprised at the “bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies!” They must have been looking for Anya and somehow ended up with you. Pretty cool, in any case.

    Corpsey chocolate vampires?

  51. Frankly, based on some of those search terms, I can’t imagine how somebody wouldn’t be happy to have ended up on your blog, as it’s clearly what they needed to begin with.

    Jen recently posted Snow, and 500th post!.

  52. I don’t personally know anyone at this point who wouldn’t think of you if I said, “Knock knock, Motherfucker”.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Merry Christmas to All.

  53. “No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover”
    That is my absolute favourite. I think I may even have to search it myself.

    Kattie recently posted Little one Pt 2.

  54. I’ve had “I dig ‘em in pigtails” lead to my blog. I promise there is NOTHING remotely related to that on my blog. Epic Google Fail.

    Heretic Husnand recently posted How I Found Peace at the Bottom of a Bottle.

  55. I’m going to go ahead and assume that your daughter was the one googling whether fork tines sticking out of someone’s butt would be considered art. She was obviously searching for out-of-the-box ways to use her ART label/stickers and promote some new artists. Assuming her google search was fruitless, she put the labels on Hunter S. Thomcat instead. She is your daughter, after all.

    On another note, how do you handle your blog hecklers? Pretty please I’d love to know – from you or any of your blogging followers. Check out my most recent post to see a message from a recent heckler I’ve acquired. I assume this means I’m a real writer now, right?

    Melanie recently posted To My Heckler:.

  56. Your search terms are fantastic! Most of mine these days are just variations on “stick figures having sex.” No joke.

    Curiosity recently posted I’ll take Rabid Consumption for 500, Alex..

  57. “Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?”
    Yes. Yes it would.

    Banana Stickers recently posted Vagina Fun Sticks Of Encouraging Things.

  58. Help…please.

    My 12 year old son has inherited my anxiety and depression and is veering towards suicidal. I’ve been trying (for years) but I can’t find any resources to help grab him and stabilize him.

    I know we can neutralize him with drugs and lock him in a hospital to keep him “safe” but how do I help him grow up?

    He focuses so much on how it hurts and how no-one can understand how it’s worse for him than anyone else. I KNOW IT HURTS. And I’ve been trying for years to find a path that doesn’t involve over-medication or confinement. For me as well as him.

    Why can’t anyone tell me how to help him????? How can I get him out of the black pit when I’m afraid he’s going to pull me in with him?

    I want to do something before its horrible and un-stoppable.

    (Sending you love and light and thoughts of healing. Just having a mother who understands the pain of anxiety and depression will give him enormous help. Most of us just suffer through the younger years until we were old enough to find shrinks on our own so he’s lucky to have someone like you who understands and can get him help. What might help is doing family therapy to help you both understand each other. I know sometimes having a family member with mental illness can be a blessing and a curse because the lies told by a mind with anxiety and depression can seem so contagious at times. If you feel comfortable sharing your email so others can contact you just let me know and I’ll make it public. There are people who have been in your place and can offer advice or at least a listening ear. The suicide hotlines can help to put you in the right direction. Here’s a link contact them: http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html ~ Jenny)

  59. Who the HELL Googles ” unruly vagina hair”?? WHO???

  60. 61
    Tracy Pierceall

    Buffy lyrics!!! From my favorite episode. You rock. Of course we already knew that.

  61. Somehow “guys peeing” finds my blog more than anything. That and “justin bieber duct tape”, but at least I can explain that one. Thanks for the laughs!

  62. 63
    Tracy Pierceall

    MomofTom. Call someone. Now. You don’t have to come up with a plan on your own. Talk to a doctor right away.

  63. I think it’s possible the “Rebekah” one may have been my niece. Which would be even more hysterical.

    Su recently posted Teaser Tuesday #30.

  64. That last *search* term was actually lyrics from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical “Once More With Feeling” :) Not sure how that relates to your blog as I don’t recall reference to it before..but oh well…it’s funny any time I see it!

  65. I think I may be one of those zombie porn searches, though I was just doing it to see where your site would rank. Still counts, I think. :P

    [brain explodes from thinking]

    …again.

    The Pear Lady recently posted A quick slice of pie.

  66. Oops…dead whores was me…didn’t realize that was traceable…now I know.

    Dolores recently posted Merry fucking Christmas.

  67. Too funny! I can’t believe some of those really long ones. My fave is about the ‘chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover.’

  68. This is my new favorite thing in the whole world. Thank you.

  69. Oh! I just remembered the Buffy Musical episode. Cool!

    Punky Coletta recently posted The Secret to Getting Laid.

  70. “2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com” are, in fact, not strange at all.

    Happy New Year, Bloggess!
    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW: Zoo Lights.

  71. Oh, and Jenny? You totally need to get a pair of fencing frogs!

    Hugs,
    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW: Zoo Lights.

  72. Gosh, my searches are SO much more boring!

    Susan recently posted iPad Apps for Education: Part 1 – Stop Math.

  73. I really need to get more creative with my blog posts based on the search terms that lead people to yours! Loved the sloth video and the Taylor Swift cover. Awesome!

  74. I’m so the glad I’m not the only one who knows that last one is from the musical episode of buffy :)

  75. I knew it! Cheese IS funner. Proof positive. Thank you.

    Andrea recently posted Happy new year - have you seen my cool?.

  76. I’ve always liked the reviews on this different banana slicer.

    The Suzzzz recently posted Gordon's Glass To The Rescue!.

  77. Add “Slow Loris eating a Rice Ball” to your list. I love this SO much.

    K8 recently posted And you still haven’t found what you’re searching for. Because my blog got in your way..

  78. I have a no hits type of website.. top 2 searches done for the year were for deb shop prom dresses (because, we went there for my daughter’s prom dress last year) and tied.. bloggess gaithersburg. Yep, I was there =) Lost the ability to speak and everything. I love that one of the best Buffy episodes ever, if not the best ever, had a search that ended them here! What I’m surprised about, I searched for your nantucket lyric for the sugar company.. didn’t see a mention of that on your searches!

    meg recently posted Who doesn’t love kitties?.

  79. Exactly what size shirt *does* a 20 pound cat wear?!

    Melissa recently posted Death of a Hairy Beast.

  80. And what did Victor say about this list?

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Sometimes the cover alone tells me what my goddaughter is going to do.

  81. I can’t believe anyone, let alone 5 people, searched for “Meth in vagina makes sex better”

  82. Do…do hamsters GET erections?

    Nevermind. I dont want to know.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Christmas Present Corks.

  83. best year in review ever!

    I hope people have finally learned that you can not really properly size a cat.

    Dresden (@DresdenPlaid) recently posted domino.

  84. I am terrified that someone took the time to write a fanfic… and deeply upset that they did it before me!

  85. ….Annnd another reason why you have won the internet

    winopants recently posted (Un)Romancing the Butt, New Year’s Style.

  86. I’m afraid to ask what about sasquatches brings people to your blog! Or meth, wherever they put it. ;). Or. God forbid, chair-stealing tyrannosauri! Ye gods…

    Mama D recently posted A Second Great Mystery Solved.

  87. That is so hilarious! I can’t even understand how those are even searches, that’s so funny. I can’t wait to see what crazy people start searching for in 2013! :)

  88. Maybe one day when my blog is getting more hits than a bong, I’ll check something like this out. Right now it would have the sadness of Bridget Jones’ answering machine, “No messages, not even from your own mother.” However, I am surprised that “dead whores” didn’t rank higher.

    T. A. Woods recently posted How does a hillbilly meet other bloggers?.

  89. The Happy EVERYTHING shirt is something that I absolutely need for someone to buy for me.

    It will come in so handy.

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: Plain Tunic for Adele.

  90. Because sometimes I want my raccoon albino with mange and sometimes without. Stop judging me.

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Facebook Emoticons.

  91. I just laughed so hard I snorted…agian. I’m pretty sure I’d be lost without you

  92. They just get better and better as the list goes on.

    TriGirl recently posted Baby, It's Cold Outside: Running in cold weather.

  93. I wish people were as funny as they seem. My blog’s top two search words in a row: Jewish noses.

    Burns the Fire recently posted Flesh-and-Blood (All Living Things, Part 2).

  94. What fun. You inspired me to look at my search terms. People are not really searching for me, either. But you are funnier, so I’m glad they found you!

    Kathleen recently posted Goofy Little Epiphanies.

  95. The last one is interesting. Thats part of a song Anya sang on the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That person would have to go through at least one page of google search terms, possibly 2, to end up here.

    Nina Potts recently posted It could be worse.

  96. The searches that led to your sight made me laugh a lot.

    #27’s video made me bawl.

    Great wrap up!

  97. Love this! I always think it’s either disturbing or seriously awesome that the top search that gets people to my blog is “penis knock knock jokes”, and I’m thrilled to see someone else’s list is just as… hmmmm… interesting I guess you could say. haha

    Vanessa recently posted Maybe I just don't understand Christmas newsletters.....

  98. Hi. I saw this, about a pop-up book that lets you dissect a unicorn, and I had to send you the link. It is a sad and gross and lovely, all at the same time.

    http://io9.com/5973395/gorgeous-pop+up-book-lets-you-dissect-a-unicorn-organ-by-magical-organ

    (Ha! I JUST tweeted this. My God, you guys know me. ~ Jenny)

  99. I looked for your book once by searching for “mouse in cape.” Oddly enough, I think I found it!

    Brooke recently posted No Judgment Here..

  100. 102
    Judy Sucevic

    Dear God, I am peeing a little, crying, and having an asthma attack after reading those reviews! Thank you for lifting my spirits!

  101. Can I be jealous of your search terms? All I get is exermacize, undateable, chihuahuas, and bras. Sigh. Maybe its time I stop dressing my chihuahuas in my bras and start flirtin’ lol.

    gem recently posted club dread.

  102. 104
    Imperfect Jessica

    I cannot tell you how many times a T-Rex tried to steal my seat while I was eating. Once. And I’m dead serious.

    And to #58 sending you all love hugs and prayers I can. I hope that by you opening up it helps him

    Imperfect Jessica recently posted I’m dying.

  103. i try not to read about my analytics thingies too much. because it makes my head a bit explodey. and i’m concerned about people searching for hamster erections. really.

    stephgas recently posted a vengeful uterus.

  104. Oh Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, you are too funny! And *now* I’m pretty sure your analytics are going to get another weird spike as we all head off googling these phrases. Myself, I knew I must have missed the blog entry about “No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” so I went to google to help me find that & found links to 3 different blog entries – so now you’ve got 3 more click-throughs (me) from that search term. (Gotta say – taken in context that phrase makes perfect sense & is quite a bit of clever writing…)

    I’m tempted to go now & do more searches on “Green poop at DisneyWorld” and “Unruly Vagina Hair” but really I’m supposed to be doing some work and not surfing the internet. So, your blog *hasn’t* gotten in the way of me finding what I was really searching for, but it has gotten in the way of me getting any productive work done! :-)

    By the way, this guy likes what you’ve done with “No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” and also recognizes it as a brilliant key phrase to include in order to get Google hits, as he’s even devoted a post in his own blog for his “website promotion” consulting business to the topic: http://website-promotion-wizard.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-dont-even-know-what-to-say-here.html

    OK, I’m going now. Thanks for the laughs. You are the bestest.

  105. Me again. Nope, still not working, your website still is getting in the way of me getting any productive work done. Thought you’d be interested to know that apparantly there are quite a few websites dealing with the topic of hamster erections. (Sorry, I was imagining you’d be the only one…) ;-)

  106. The real question is how can you tell when a hamster has jet lag.

    Kat / @beingmama recently posted White islands on black water.

  107. Jenny,
    Thanks for the encouragement. I spoke to someone this evening about sensory exercises to help my son feel more grounded and present in his body so he doesn’t float off in anxiety and terror. Interestingly, karate has been suggested as a way to increase focus, self-control and self-discipline, and increase awareness of the rest of the environment. I hope it will help him tether himself better. At least it’s widely available.

    He does have a psychiatrist but it’s slow. My hubby and I use the best local family therapist to keep our marriage together and are reluctant to drop that support structure, but the therapist (reasonably) wont take child and parents as separate clients.

    I sure remember suicidal thoughts as an early teen (and I’m still here!), but I didn’t have the freedom to voice them. Can’t figure out if it’s good or bad that he’s voicing them…it seems like it hardens the ideation to say it out loud. Hope to (the god I don’t believe in) he hasn’t ideated the How, but certainly don’t want to ask!

    Thanks, everybody, for the community of support. One day at a time…

  108. My favorite search term so far is “German gnome porn”. It brings me a few hits a day, and makes me giggle every time.

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted My new best friend is hairy.

  109. Aaaaaand now “I’ve Got a Theory” is in my head. I’m also haunted by those 40 spouses of unicorm-obsessed wives, who may never have found the help they were looking for.

  110. Wow. That’s just… wow.

    Rachel recently posted My 2013 Goals.

  111. OMG….I love Walk Off The Earth!! They are awesome! :D

    Miss Gee recently posted Street Food and T Man Always Makes Me Happy!.

  112. Knock Knock Motherfucker was the first post I read by you, and it was amazing. :P

    -Lindsey

    Lindsey recently posted Dieu merci, c'est vendredi! 01.04.13..

  113. I would have bet the farm that the No. 1 search would have been “global warming”.

    Wait, this isn’t Drudge Report?

    How embarrassing.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Crack is Nothing Compared to Tupperware.

  114. Hey! The abandoned mansion is about an hour away from where I live. I was looking for something to do this coming weekend! This is awesome!

  115. My blog gets the most boring searches. I’ve never had anything funny. It’s pretty much variations on Asperger Symptoms and the show Parenthood.

    You have some majorly fucked-up people coming over to your blog.

    Just saying.

    Cheryl D. recently posted Insanity! Pure Insanity!.

  116. Gosh my searches all all so boring. Nothing out of the ordinary at all!

    AMummysLife recently posted Hey Don't Forget!.

  117. I hope the internet never becomes self-aware; it would be a seriously f*cked-up creature if it did…

    Claire J recently posted A Very British Problem.

  118. One of those posts where you laugh yourself silly, then you think a bit deeper and wonder if maybe licences should be issued before folks are allowed on the internet. Which IS eating itself, love that.

  119. I wish I could just click on each one, its ok I google it

  120. Love that lyrics from “Once More With Feeling” gets to your site. . .although I’m surprised that “Haunted Doll House” Or “Duck Vampire Slayer” isn’t on there – I personally know that I have used these two searches before to find specific posts to show others :)

    MomofTom – Kia Kaha (it’s Maori for stay strong/strength be with You – it sort of means that if you hold on, you can get through and I’ll lend you some strength to help you hold on) – you are there for your son, that helps more than anything.

    It’s 12.42am here in New Zealand, I feel a little like my life is falling apart, and you (and your community of followers) manage to make me feel better every time. . .thank you for writing and for bringing us together. (and for providing some answers to all of those people who wanted to know if hamsters got erections)

  121. Goodness, the searches for finding my blog are all so pedestrian.

    Katren recently posted Harissa lamb chops.

  122. Damn. My analytics aren’t nearly so amusing. Although I’ve been getting some pretty awesome Spam comments on my blog. Considering consolidating them into a similar post to this for the shear amusement of it all.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Three years in London!.

  123. How “mens fucking hanesmen” turned up on mine has me scratching my head. It probably came from the island of Mauritius (also in my stats). Is that even a country??

    uniqueweirdness recently posted Diet Update – Week: Whatever the Hell It Is.

  124. OK. I love how when reading your blog I’m always lead to wonder just how insane your other readers are. I mean, ‘i don’t know what i’m doing? Sure. I definitely understand that one. But some others…one doesn’t merely wonder how they lead these people to your blog, but rather leave one trying to think of what kind of person is typing these things into Google ever. I mean. What.
    I just wrote a paragraph on the most obvious thing ever. Can I have an award?

    Klementine recently posted There’s no such thing as an innocent bystander. And I’m awful at metaphors..

  125. Related to the whole being cut by a chicken situation, I thought I’d share this story of me reading your book. I was reading your book (as I just said) and was on the chapter where Barnaby (god rest his puppy soul) cut you with a chicken. Then I looked at my hand and I had a cut on my middle finger (awesome). As I was reading about your dog cutting you, then finding my own finger inexplicably cut, I can only assume Barnaby’s doggy ghost was watching and decided to do a little doggy voodoo and cut me too. Or it was just a coincidence and your book is just a bitch and decided to give me a paper cut. I like the Barnaby-ghost explanation better, though.

  126. I love that the lyrics to “I’ve Got A Theory / Bunnies / If We’re Together” from Buffy brought some lone individual to your page. It must be bunnies! …Oh, Anya.

    Miss Sarah recently posted omg. best. just. ever..

  127. That last one is from Buffy! lol

    Abby recently posted Happy New Years, Whether You Like It or Not..

  128. Finally! Someone else who relates to corpsey chocolate vampires and their gay bird lovers. It’s about freaking time.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted The 10 Commandments of OCD.

  129. Hamster erections?! HAHAHA this post made my day.

    Katrina @ Warm Vanilla Sugar recently posted Arugula Salad with Goat Cheese and Candied Walnuts.

  130. I went back and re-read the post that “Green poop at Disney World” and Google can’t even get that right. That post was about glittery poop. Geez, Google.

  131. bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies”

    OH MY GOD THAT’S MINE!!!

  132. 134
    Jennifer Becker

    Raise your hand if you tried to mouse over some of the phrases like they would be links…

  133. I’m totally off to google some those. I really want to see what comes up besides the Bloggess.

  134. Hi Jenny,
    I nominated you for the Inspirational Blogger Award:
    http://tradingplacesglobal.wordpress.com/2013/01/07/inspiring-and-beautiful-blog-awards/

    Keep up the great work!
    Shelley

  135. 137
    Sommer Aweidah

    damn you! I can’t pick a favorite, no matter how I try!!!!!

  136. I’m shocked that Green poop at Disneyworld only garnered 31 searches

  137. Desperately want to google “zombie chicken porn” now…

  138. Once a week I get old lady boobs. My favorite was ‘tummy tuck mexico costco’ . If they are doing them down there cheaper, I’m in. I have a card.

    Mary Anne F51 recently posted I Was Fashion Road Kill.

  139. Wow vagina is really popular here. I don’t think I have ever typed ‘vagina’ into my search engine. Does that mean I’m not a “real” part of this family? UGH! I don’t fit in anywhere. That’s it. I am going to search for unruly vagina hair. Also, now that I know you do these searches, I am going to really fuck with you for next year. XOXO

    Sara recently posted Need You Now.

  140. Cheese IS funner. That’s just facts.

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted Fooled Again!.

  141. Dueling Frogs and a rat playing a violin. This man was on to something…something awesome!

    Jenn recently posted UPDATE: Stuff Happened…I was on Vacation – Trilogy Ended.

  142. I have so many question. I read your blog regularly and yet I feel like I’ve missed some posts. When did you write about hamster erections? What about that vampire and the gay bird lover? And the meth in vagina thing? Is it real? Can anyone vouch for this? So many questions…

    Carolina recently posted My parking brings all the guards to the yard.

  143. The next T-rex that steals my chair is going to be extinct, but not before one of those Viagra pounding hamsters plugs him.

    Jack recently posted What Is a Father’s Advice Worth?.

  144. If you come up when people search “Nathan Fillion shirtless,” you’re definitely doing something right ;)

    Mishfish13 recently posted Review: Warm Bodies.

  145. the Quiet Place played the Cloud Atlas sextet for me. That song is so beautiful! I hope that is what you got, too!

  146. only 79 people searched hamster erections?

    Euphoria Girl recently posted Euphoria Girl Goes To Baltimore.

  147. I can’t believe 59 people can spell chupacabra.

    Lady Jennie recently posted Life in the Trenches: Chapter 1.

  148. am impressed that now all my favourite things are connected, buffy, doctor who and the bloggess (nathan fillion not too far down my list either)

  149. Oh my geez are you serious you like “One Perfect Rose”?????? I memorized that like two years ago when I was bored and in a poem-memorizing mood! It made me laugh. Other poems I memorized for no particular reason-
    The Charge of the Light Brigade (cause my teacher kept quoting it and it seemed relevant and useful and fun to impress people with)
    For the Young Who Want To (for most of my life, I was a young who wanted to)
    Through a Glass Eye, Lightly (it’s so sweet! And kinda sad! I love it)
    probably some others I’m forgetting.

  150. I’m surprised ” Creative Taxidermy” didn’t make the list. A little sad now….

    Nickie recently posted Teriyaki Chicken Pieces. See how wrong that sounds?.

  151. Wow… You’re popular blogger. I like your writing style :DD

    New York Blogger recently posted Beautiful Timelapse Video of New York City.

  152. “Knock, knock mother f@#$ers” That one had me rolling.
    With all my kids’ knock knock jokes. I’d be floored if I ever heard that.
    Sounds like something you say before kicking the door down on someone about to get a beat down.
    Nice….

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Fatherhood - Breaking The Cycle Of Bad.

  153. A recent one that popped up in my analytics feed the other day was “hot blondes guys.” Upon further inspection, “hot 13 year old guys.” Both have multiple hits. I don’t know what that says about me or my blog.

    jesspants recently posted Sunday Night Knitting Report.

  154. Anya for the win on the last one! I freaking love her and if vengeance demons were real she would so be my best friend. :)

  155. I just started a blog of my own, and when I searched for it BY ITS NAME, it didn’t show up! (or if it did, I got tired of reading down the list and gave up before I found it. Apparently I’m doing something wrong…

    Alison from Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Scottish Folk Music recently posted The Beaches of St. Valery.

  156. Feet really MUST be covered to sleep. Anything else will result in bed-crocodile-related foot loss. Srsly.

  157. Ah, the unicorn-obsessed wives… mine isn’t one (thank every deity conceivable), but I do see, rather often, that storage unit advertisement with the couple in which the wife is indeed unicorn-obsessed. My only thought when I do see it is, “Wow, she must f*ck like a beast, because SHE ISN’T DEAD YET.”

  158. I am so happy I peed prior to reading this one after what happened last time.

    I think from now on I will just do that as a precautionary measure. <3

  159. And add more for “knock knock motherfucker” because the hubs HAD to check it out.

  160. Oh yeah, the first 2 hits on Google for ‘knock knock motherfucker’ are links to your site. I think that should be your new claim to fame.

  161. So many of these are laughably weird (but aren’t we all?). But I did laugh so hard I squealed at “Chupacabra cobra death match.”

    Heartache Into Beauty recently posted Monday Music Break: P!nk.

  162. You should see the reviews on this one, which are even funnier: http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=pd_sbs_k_1 (also, there are like 1600 of them, plus 133 questions is the Q&A, so you can spend the better part of a day laughing…)

    MommyTime recently posted 2013: The Year of Dedication.

  163. Only 12 people knew it was from Buffy? Honestly, you guys. I’m disappointed.

    Lindsay recently posted That damn Comic Sans is back again..

  164. The interweb has been advertising the banana slicer to me all day. Thank you for that.

    Ashleigh recently posted End of an era... Or a world....

  165. Where do we get the “happy nachos”? Do they sell them at The Library food court? The Library DOES have a food court, right? Shit. I’m mixing posts? Is that allowed? My blog is so new it doesn’t yet have interesting google searches related to it – but it will. All in good time.

    MILF Runner recently posted Mailbag Monday #1.

  166. How is it possible that a search for “aquatic squirrels” does NOT lead to you?

    Cynthia recently posted One of “Those” Days.

  167. I frequently fear what terms bring folks to my spot, but I tell ya what…I bow before your Google Search weirdness! You are the Great Goddess of the “WTF!?!” factor. *grin*

    Chris Dean recently posted The Saga Continues....

  168. Your searchers rock. All I get are people looking for ‘men in rubber suits’ and ‘girl peeing sand.’

    Katja recently posted I’ve been seduced by a blender..

  169. I’m always amused by search results.

    Ashley F recently posted OMG........Must.....Organize......EVERYTHING!!!.

  170. I can totally relate to “green poop at Disney World.”
    Even though I knew about your blog way before that incident.

  171. I am truly hoping that a few of those topics were ONLY looking for your site. The dead whores, hamster erections and zombie chicken porn are all a tad bit disturbing if they found you by accident. Ahem.
    On a related note, I am now extremely intrigued about some of these that must have occurred before I found you, so like others above this comment, I will be googling those!

    Leslie recently posted Teenagers, Teachers, & Years that don’t Exist.

  172. “Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” My art teacher says “Yes”.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted 8/365: Vagitarians Unite!.

  173. If someone tries to tell me there is something cuter on this earth than an orphaned, baby sloth, I will punch them in the neck.

  174. I’m jealous of your search terms! The best one I’ve had so far is “Kitty Cankles”. The rest are all perverts looking for bizarre porn…sad times.

  175. ask.com search results are all bloggess for the “Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” and the related search results are as follows:
    To Catch a Predator Videos
    Dateline to Catch a Predator
    Define Predator
    TV Guide
    Facts about Internet Predators
    Examples of Predators
    Predator Prey Relationship
    Facts Howlers Monkeys

    Howler monkeys rule.

    Cody Neubauer recently posted New format and stuffs!.

  176. Unruly vagina hair is by far my favorite.

  177. Thanks for the laugh. Reading through the banana slicer reviews I noticed a lot of references to the hutzler 571. Google it and read those reviews on Amazon and then check out the customers images. Awesome.

  178. OMG I’m so jealous…these are awesome! Turns out the search term that brings most people to my blog is some variation of pineapple lemonade sangria. Wondering if this means people stumble across my writing when they’re looking for a drink. Sorry people…you must be so disappointed ;)

    Shannon recently posted I Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions.

  179. I love you even more now that I know your blog turns up when searching for random Buffy Musical lyrics. …or maybe midgets?

    Ericamos recently posted My Very Special Christmas.

  180. Oh my gosh! For a second there I was like “Hey! Did I ever start a search with ‘My name is Rebekah’?” But I’ve never had baked cheese, and I really don’t care much for bears, so I guess that’s not me. But I DID type all this without looking at my keyboard. Awesome!

  181. I **LOVE** the Sasquatch, donkey with dreads post. I cried and howled with laughter when I read it. I’m giggling now just thinking about it.

  182. I kinda want a pet sloth now. I would call him Zippy.

  183. DAFUQ???

    Should see if any Google searches lead to my blog. Also surprised I can even type this.

    Anthny Jeffries recently posted The big banks being attacked (an email I got from my bank).

  184. You noticed I asked for fanfic about you. That’s awesome. I didn’t think you would because why would you want to read fanfic about yourself but then, hey, you’re fabulous. I love that the author made a fake tumblr just for the fic. That was going above and beyond, really. I love Yuletide Treasures!

    BiPagan recently posted Booklist 2012, 35 "books" this year.

  185. You had me at Sasquatch Sightings….

  186. I agree with the person who says it must be bunnies. As cute as they are, they’re a walking death trap for me thanks to allergies.

    Robyn Webb recently posted Bravery Is Admitting When You Need Help.

  187. Whatever gets them there is a good thing but you have to wonder… wow, how do I relate to that search…. Too funny.

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Mars One – Who Wants To Colonize Mars??.

  188. “Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

    You mean there are people that exist that don’t know those are called LOLcats?

  189. Your numbers for 2013 may be off, since I (for one – and I assume I am not the only one) am insanely tempted to do a google search for every one of those terms just to see how they lead to The Bloggess. So, next year, expect a huge leap in all of last year’s search terms.

  190. Most fabulous collection of search terms I’ve ever seen. Brava, Bloggess!

  191. Hey – if you love Abandoned P0rn, you should check out After the Final Curtain. It’s all photos and backstories of abandoned theaters.

  192. You are such an inspiration. I wanna be like you when I grow up…

    Teeny Bikini recently posted Proper Pervert.

  193. I have fun going through the queries at the end of the year. Mine are not quite as interesting as yours, but I am at a disadvantage since I primarily write about food. :) My favorites:
    how to make your own legal stimulants
    my evil superpowers
    epic cookie failure

    Alea recently posted Frugal Appetizers.

  194. 198
    Kristen Imler

    I’m probably responsible for at least 20 of the “knock, knock motherfucker” searches last year… it’s my favorite entry to introduce others to the awesomeness that is thebloggess.com and before I actually memorized the name of the blog entry, that google search was the fastest way to get there. However, I now have an overwhelming desire to google ALL of these things just to see what ELSE comes up… I mean, could “This chicken will cut you” really take you anywhere OTHER than that post?

    And completely off topic, thanks for the follow on Twitter yesterday (@KIBullhorn). I LOVE your blog and own your book in triplicate (US hardcover, audiobook, and UK paperback hand delivered by a friend from England)… you are such a strong, amazing, and inspirational woman and to be on your radar, if even for a moment, makes me feel wonderful :-)

  195. Um … I want that guy in the glasses to follow me around beatboxing all day. Maybe if I had my own personal rhythm section I could actually finish some laundry.

  196. I watched the video for #27 … And am now weeping for a man I never knew. It was beautiful. Thank you. XO

  197. Wow, I looked at this last weekend – I was using a mobile device and somehow the banana slicer link got me to this page: http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-5717-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=pd_sbs_k_1 Just looked at again from my desktop computer which sends me the right place – I’m no longer confused as to why you decided to provide us with a banana slicer link! ;-)

  198. 202
    Selena Kunkel

    In case you’re wondering, I was surprised when I found out you didn’t write your own fanfic. It sounds ridiculously like you.

  199. I found you when I googled ‘humorous cocks’. A day that will live in infamy… Hey, at least I didn’t google towels!

  200. My cat wears dog size medium or dog size small, it depends on the garment.

    Kelly L recently posted Here's Looking At You, Kid. (Kid = 2012)..

  201. So this really doesn’t have anything to do with anything except the Nathan Fillion being shirtless. But without the shirtless part. And also my Psych teacher being a procrastinator. Last year the best psych 101 teacher anyone could possibly wish for got me addicted to this blog. Whenever we’d have free time in class she’d get on this site and my friends and I would all gather ’round the computer for nsfw story time. We read the big metal chicken story and come Christmas time metal chickens of every size were being sold everywhere including my local grocery store. My class bought her a medium small one so it would fit in her classroom and also we couldn’t afford a bigger one. I even wrapped it (difficult. I do not recommend trying to wrap your chicken). She died laughing. Unfortunately we couldn’t decide on a name for the big lug. LUCKILY later that school year you posted your blog about not being able to get Nathan Fillion to send you a picture of himself holding twine. Thusly we immediately new who this chicken was. As soon as I could, I brought in some twine and balanced it on our Nathan’s wings. NATHAN FILLION WAS HOLDING TWINE. But because my teacher is busy doing teachery things she has yet to get you a picture of Mr. Fillion so I decided to tell you about it. You still don’t have a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine but at least you know we’re working on it. And you ALSO know that somewhere in the world, Nathan Fillion is holding twine just for you. <3

  202. I almost didn’t read them all… so glad I didn’t stop halfway through or I would’ve missed Anja’s bunny rock-out lyrics from “Once More With Feeling!” haha, awesome… thanks for adding a little Whedon to my day!

  203. These are hilarious, but what makes it even more comical is that many people searched the same bizarre keywords!

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted What I Want for My Children.

  204. I’m sure lots of people have said this (but I’m too lazy to read all the comments), Awesomest fan fic ever!

  205. My sister just bought me a wine drinking armadillo wine holder. For only $14.99, at Bargain Barn, in Tx, and I asked her if she had ever read your blog, but I couldnt remember the name of the blog, so I said “the one with the stuffed rat”, she said no, but she had read one about a giant metal rooster, and they just happen to have a 3″ smaller metal rooster that she was also considering buying. I told her that was the same blog, so I came back to the computer to google your blog so I could send it to her. I entered “giant metal rooster stuffed rat” and came right to you. I read the book btw, and I laughed and cried throughout the entire thing. I am going through a separation right now with my husband, and just decided I would read your book again, so I could laugh and cry about someone else’s stuff instead of my own.

  206. Thanks for the auspicious writeup. It actually was a entertainment account it.
    Glance complex to more brought agreeable from you!
    By the way, how can we communicate?

    free credit report recently posted free credit report.

  207. I would ask if those search terms are legit, but after reading your book and loving this blog, I know they must be. Thought I’d share evidence of the first weirdo besides my twink and me on our blog: searched “little man has boobs on his face.” Must be what you look for after you search unruly v-box hair or hamster hard-ons.

    Twins with Tykes recently posted To: Little Man (Week 10).

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