Valentine’s Day for Under-Achievers

I like your first suggestion:

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY.”
Daddy Scratches recently posted..The Scratches Take Manhattan, Part 1

I’m with you on the ridiculous heights some parents take things to. Both of my kids will be giving away Valentine’s bought at Walmart because that’s how I roll.

“I’m stuck on you” taped to a baggie of used syringes, is the best. Pure awesome.
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You could use the valentines I made http://cheeseblarg.tumblr.com/post/41152521721/my-first-set-of-valentines-cards-smutty-food
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“I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

The bassoon one was my favourite, for sure.

Valentine’s day is insanely out of hand, for kids and adults alike if you ask me. One box of Valentines from the dollar store was all I ever needed. And the last time my boyfriend and I went out for Valentine’s day, it was to Tim Hortons.
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Because unshucked is the most offensive way to give corn.

I think you should run for PTA President.
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live bees or bust! that one is the best! or what about “addicted to you” with a little baggie of cocaine!

I would give the “I’m stuck on you” out with duct tape in different colors and patterns. Let the other moms deal with their kid decorating the house with that.

I’m a sucker for you…An unwrapped sucker covered in cat hair.
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Of course the ultimate conclusion would probably to hand your love interest a bloody still-beating heart. No words. No explanation of where it came from. Just a blank stare with sheepishly blinking lashes…..and a mushy, bloody, dripping beating heart in your outstretched hand.

It just screams, “HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE’S DAY!!!”
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And this is why you’re my hero… Valentine’s day or not. Rock on! (assume I attached that last sentiment to some gravel or something)
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*running to Home Depot for 2x4s

I made zombie valentines for my website last year so this year they’re going out with the six-year-old. Nothing says lovin’ like eyeball goo. http://zombiedatingguide.blogspot.com/p/zombie-valentines-day-cards.html
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Well, I misread “bassoons” as “baboons” and it worked just fine in my head. I played clarinet for four years and totally missed that it was bassoon, and that that bassoons are not horns, but woodwinds.

Wow.
1. Filing this away in “reasons I would suck as a parent”
2. The boulder thing could actually be really cute if you, ya know, use regular rocks instead

But perhaps the best thing you could do would be bake a batch of brownies. With chocolate chips added. And instead of water, you use espresso. And draw a frosting heart on each one. This means they’re the highest-concentrated vessels of sugar and caffeine that the kid is going to get all DAY or even all MONTH and OH MAN will they be little assholes when they get home.
Dangerous Lilly recently posted..Lelo Luna Beads – Noir

The bassoon is my favorite! I might actually do that for my husband he would get a kick out of that. Geesh, I’m just hoping to get the cheapie cards from the grocery store and a list of the kids names in time for the big day – none of this crafting business. Guess I’m not up for mom of the year after all. (bubble burst)
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You’re fucking brilliant! Thank you

You ARE making these into Zazzle cards, right? Right?!
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I’m confused. Who are these Mothers making these valentines for? You don’t send your kid a valentine surely?

(They’re making them for their kid to give to the other kids in class. ~ Jenny)
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A bassoon is a woodwind. Just sayin’.sayin’

You always make me smile And if we’re voting on these, I like this one – “Oh, me so horny” attached to bassoons.
I’m thinking about sending it to my boyfriend, so thanks for that.
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My sister-in-law overdoes the whole she-bang too… sickening! you are too funny!

btw…my browser underlined and wants to sell me: “personalized cards, vacuum bags, light fixtures, and cat litter” hmmm

oh my gah – I thought it said BABOONS not bassoons. Which makes even less sense, except for me knowing the expression about a monkey humping a football and I thought, well, it’s a stretch, but okay.
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The “You’re Beta” one could also work as “You’re Betta.” You’d just replace the beta tapes with angry Betta fish in Dixie cups!
Jacquie recently posted..Oh, the Technology!

Jesus Christ Jenny. You just wrote a Valentine’s Day Episode for the Family guy. Congratulations.
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I say go cheap with sugar or artificial sweetener packets stolen from restaurants. Write “Give me some sugar” right on the packet. Boom. Done.

“I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair” – I could totally do this one! Every freaking day. Ha!

Love it! We had one mom this year who went out and bought actual mailboxes (not the normal sized ones, but pretty big) and decorated each individual one for each kid. So no we don’t have to decorate the shoe boxes… I asked her what she was trying to do? Now even if I do make some cutsie hand made valentines with cute treats, it won’t compare. DAMN THAT OVER ACHIEVING MOM! What meds is she on and where can I get them?
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I am totally picking up a rock and writing YOU ROCK on it and giving it to my husband for Valentine’s Day. That is pure awesomeness.

Sorry Jenny, a bassoon is a woodwind, so it isn’t a horn. But, stick it to a trumpet or something brass(except a saxophone, saxophones, though made of metal are woodwinds too. sneaky Bat Rastards). As always, you have made me laugh so loud my family is sure I have finally lost it for real this time. As a mom who has stayed up until 3am making Hershey kiss roses for V day, I feel your pain. I agree with another comment. Don’t give in. Then the Martha Stewart Nazi mom wins! Also, I would like to reassure you that they do grow out of it. Happily, I haven’t had to “make” Valentines for a class since 6th grade. My darling is now a Junior in high school. Huge relief.

And once we get zombies, then there will be a need for a whole new set of valentines – now marketed to the ever-growing zombie population.
I’ll start: “Valentine, I love you for your body and for your tasty braaaaaains.”
Melissa recently posted..I read some books last year

But wait, whatever happened to the Copernicus cards you made last year? Surely this is the year that children need to learn to differentiate a hug from a strangle. And to make it snazzy you could attach certificates for a free hug. Or strangle. Their choice.*

*based on whether or not they are an asshole.
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We all hate the pressure of Valentine’s Day, too. ~nods somberly~
Someone will be by to feed your Fever Monkey momentarily.
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My youngest daughter would adore you for life if she received a sick kitten for Valentine’s day. So mail one asap
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Happy Valentines Day, Asswipe…taped a used…never mind. I’m no good at this.
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Bassoons may not be horns, but they do cost as much as a car. If you spent $25k on valentines for your daughter’s class you would win forever. Those over achieving losers could never, ever catch up.

Come on, ONLY cat hair? Why not go all out and really wow your valentine with vacuum bags of big fluffy cats! Nothing says “I’m a sucker for you” like mowing down a litter with a Dyson. Only the best for my valentine!

Love it! How about “Your love worms my heart” stuck to a baggie of (mostly) live worms?

or, “You are my world, my center, my fecal point” taped to a plastic butter tub that you’ve used for leftover food but now have filled with doggie doo?
Betsy recently posted..The Seat Swings Both Ways

I would just get some standard Walmart valentines and write on them “It’s retro. Fuck off.”.

You’re overthinking this. The kryptonite for those annoying overachieving moms is CANDY. preferably the super cheap kind from dollar tree with arabic writing on the label. Bonus points if it’s partially unwrapped and sticky. Next year there will be a policy banning anything but paper valentines. Win.
Jacquie recently posted..bueno

Just get 30 identical lockets with the inscription, “You’re the ginchiest”.
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LMBO…I totally hear you…I can’t stand those types of Mothers, ugh!! I also love your ideas but I have a feeling if any of those were done they still wouldn’t get it, heck they wouldn’t even get it if they read this post…Their children are perfect and can do no wrong, ekk!!
Wendy N recently posted..A little of this and that…

I hate these Hallmark holidays, life is hard enuff

And here I thought the mom’s here gluing candies to their kid’s V-day cards were being all uppity. They’re just phoning it in apparently.
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I was able to laugh quietly to myself while reading this until comment #9, James, the exlax guy. That made me snort laugh in a otherwise quiet coffee shop.

I’m an asshole….I started reading this while cutting out the hearts for my son’s valentines that have a chocolate car and says “You’re a wheelie good friend” after just having the conversation with a friend on why the hell am I doing this? None of these 4 year olds care! Yup, I’ve turned into that mom but I promise, I’m not letting it get to zombie infecting monkeys.. I’m sorry. If it redeems me, I pretty much like every single one of your valentines better, the I’m stuck on you had me tears!

I’m going to have to steal some of these. Pure greatness!
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Please help. trying to spread the word. just heard, lovely lady artist left in limbo when long term partner & sweetheart died 2 days ago, needs all the help she can get. Has no family http://www.indiegogo.com/gretel-parker-project

Bassoons are woodwinds, I think. But I like the way you think.

Also, I hated the custom of trading valentines in school. My mom made me do them for everyone in the class, but I hated everyone and the only good thing about this was potentially getting candy but it’s not very good candy anyway so why don’t we just do more math? THAT’S HOW MUCH I HATED THIS CUSTOM. I WANTED MORE MATH.
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I’m gonna use the rock one, but throw the rocks through their living room windows for a more personal touch.

You’re so special, Valentine! You shit Rainbows! http://www.instructables.com/id/Unicorn-Poop/

Damn the luck, I needed these years ago when my now adult offspring were kids.

Then again…I DO have a 7yo granddaughter….waaahaahaaa
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Hey! Only another month until Easter, when you can send sick baby ducks home too. It will give the sick cats something to play with.
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Can I just Sharpie “MINE” onto all my valentines’ foreheads?
Dana the Biped recently posted..Not the Phone You’re Looking For

I’m single w/no kids so I might be jaded but if I go to another 1 year old’s party that took the parents the entire year to plan and craft, I will lose my shit. All I want is a damn piece of cake. I hate you, pintrest.

“You’re a shoe-in, Valentine” taped to a used flip-flop

I’m on this one! Finally, something to do with all the crap that washes up or gets left behind on my beach! I hate seeing all that stuff go to waste … like single flip flops or fins or boat shoes. I will add “You are too sweet Valentine” and attach it to the numerous used toothbrushes I inevitably find stuck in the sand. Or “You shine, Valentine” to go with the sandy, broken sunglasses. Finally, “In time, you’ll be mine” attached to a water-logged watch. This one sounds a little stalker-ish, but they do get a free watch out of it. I see this as a real opportunity to teach the munchkins (and their over-achiever Moms) about the value of recycling too. Thanks so much for the ideas, you are the best!

If Valentine’s Day does happen to lead to the zombie apocalypse, I’ll be ready with the machete that I once found stuck in a pile of seaweed. Truly, the beach has everything!
Sam recently posted..One year later…

“Water you doing for Valentine’s Day?” Oh goodness gracious, I think I’m going to use that one. Thank you so much.

I am no Martha Stewart (Stuart?) hell I don’t even know how to spell her name! But my kids are on it this year. They have designed their own valentines to print out with a TARDIS on one side and “Keep Calm and Have a Happy Valentines Day” on the other. They plan on handing them out with a snack cup of vanilla pudding and a swedish fish. I’m sure all the other kids will be baffled but I think that just makes it better!

(That? IS AWESOME. ~Jenny)

Just imagine this picture is posted in the comment:

http://moviesmedia.ign.com/movies/image/article/117/1175803/19-effed-up-moments-in-family-films-20110613051542052-000.jpg

That’s Valentine’s Day devotion right there. Want to really give your (or somebody else’s) heart?

and all the beta tapes are of porn! right?

Hallmark really needs to hire you, I believe you are on to something!
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*carcasses because, you know, the message would be safety-pinned to some rabbit carcasses’ ASSes.

(Shit. ~ Jenny)

Dearest Jenny, I understood your bassoon/horny joke. Bassoons are closely related to _English_ horns, both being in the double reed family.

i hope you can get away with a pack of Star Wars valentines, or maybe something like this: http://franticallysimple.com/2012/02/dr-who-free-printable-valentines/

Valentine’s Day was never that much fun when I was a little kid. Where are my free twenty-five sick kittens?

And, the monkey. Of course.
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And this is why we should just all join together to kill Valentines day.
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You know, there’s a pet overpopulation problem! Kitten season is right around the corner! Shelters really CAN’T give away all the free kittens. You might be onto something with a kitten Valentine for every kid… Oh Jenny, you’re so HUMANE.
MissAdventures recently posted..Feelings, wo-o-o feelings

I have been asking for a flame thrower for any and all holidays/birthdays/Hallmark occasions for the last 20 years from my husband. He just doesn’t understand the need. But I can see that you do.

or you could always do what I do, completely forget until the night before when your daughter comes to you in tears that she has no store-bought valentines to give out. Dash to the nearest grocery store only to find that the only paper valentines’s they have left are Loony Tunes with stickers, so buy a huge back of chocolate bars and a sheet of labels and have her design her own name-tags for each. and. every. student.

BAM. Mother of the Year.
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As a bassoonist, I just want to thank you for doing your part to work the bassoon into popular culture conversation. Thanks to your marvelous blog and its comments, people all over the world are being educated that the bassoon is neither a baboon nor horn, but a double reed woodwind instrument that costs as much as a car. It is prominently featured in such media successes as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice from Fantasia, March of the Penguins film, theme from Alfred Hitchcock TV show, theme from BBC’s Rumpole of the Bailey, “Weeping Angels” episode from Doctor Who, and anytime Bugs Bunny has to tiptoe quietly.

I have two degrees, that’s right, TWO degrees in bassoon performance and am constantly faced with people not knowing what it is. I admire your adventurous and courageous creativity with your Valentine’s Cards! Brava! I believe bassoonists everywhere will be sporting “Oh! Me so horny!” buttons this Valentine’s Day!
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The owls are my favourite.
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Why are there so many dead things in your list? I’m not judging…just asking.
Marianne recently posted..The Animal

So relieved to know I’m not the only one who misread bassoons as baboons. I was so confused! Looks like I’m in good company though…not sure if that should make me feel better or worse…
Shannon recently posted..I Owe My Body an Apology

ya know,. i always always love your writing,. and the thoughts that fuel it.- not that you need MY approval but i am a fan. you make me smile and i relate.
but today. hmm.
i don’t know why i feel a little defensive for this poor dorky Mom who gets a little “too into it” some might say. perhaps she isn’t Craftier-Than-Thou,. or hell bent on wrecking our mom-esteem,.. maybe her motto is moreso like “why do it when you can overdo it” i dare say she may not have considered the mood souring ripple effect that her Uber-Superior Mothercrafting Oneupsmanship would create. She might not be “bored” or “have nothing better to do”,. in fact…. my bet is that she is just plain excited to be alive. She is a happy little nerd Mom and we should let her do her thing without raining down our criticism and caustic wit.
Signed,

Mom Who Was Recently Asked Not to Do the Class Bulletin Board Anymore Because It is Too Over the Top and Makes the Other Classes Feel Bad

Ditto everything Ann Adair said (including: I’m a bassoonist, thank you for mentioning bassoons, and yes you can refer to them as horns–we do).

Now go right ahead and send those bassoon valentines my way. I’d prefer a Heckel, but I’d settle for a nice Fox 601. Throw in a contrabassoon, while you’re at it.

Oh, I love this, too. I’m actually really glad we’re homeschooling now because we don’t have to deal with all those stupid Valentine’s anymore.
Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted..Inauguration Day

So, so freakin glad that I do not have children.
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Jenny,
You and I know that there is only *one* solution to this problem.
And that solution is more flamethrowers.
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I love you Jenny; you get me but have the imagination to express it in ways that I never could
Kat recently posted..My two loves: internet and reading

I just want a valentine that says “For fuck’s sake it’s just Valentine’s day”

I think you’re approaching this in the wrong way. You should see this as an opportunity to educate these poor, suffering children about really important things… like the BBC series of Sherlock (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9ou50Nrt31qfs2z4o1_500.jpg) or Doctor Who (http://franticallysimple.com/2012/02/dr-who-free-printable-valentines/) or Lord of the Rings (http://wanelo.com/p/441368/nerd-love-greeting-card-i-would-simply-walk-by-insomniastudios)… I mean, think of the potential. YOU’D HAVE AN ARMY OF GEEKY CHILD MINIONS AT YOUR COMMAND!

Now I’m hungry for a fever monkey sandwich. With a side of kittens. Since they’re dying humanely and don’t have to be slaughtered after living a horrible life on a factory farm.
Lorca Damon recently posted..This Shirt Means Instant Birth Control

Comment 129 is the best comment ever. And totally what I’m going to get in my kids’ Friday Folder after I send the 20 sick kittens with him for his Valentine’s party.
Sarah recently posted..On Strike

I’m so very, VERY glad that you only use your powers for good.

How about “Happy V-day” and the cards can be various pictures of venereal diseases.

“I’m a sucker for you” pinned to vacuum bags filled with cat hair….OMG, I am so doing this, because I can! I about laughed myself into a pee stupor!

You do know that they make Doctor Who valentines right? For free? Print them yourself? http://pinterest.com/pin/151715081169061170/
Cassie recently posted..wordless wednesday

I was in a bad mood, but now I’m laughing too hard to be upset!!

“Valentine, I’m nuts about you” In the shape of a heart stapled to a picture of scrotum. That’s ok for the elementary school set, right ?

I read baboon not bassoon so I thought baboon’s must be extremely horny animals. Now I see that it is bassoon not baboon and I now not only know what kind of an instrument the bassoon is, but I also know it is not a horn. I learn something new everyday from your blog! When my son was little I just sent boxes of conversation hearts to school with him for Valentines Day. Let all the other mom’s do all that creative, crafty crap. I’d rather ride my bike.

I have two kittens with bloody diarrhea that are costing me a fortune to diagnose. Make me an offer. Please.

“Valentine, I’m crazy for you, be crazy for me?” taped to a bottle of Clozapine?

“You get me all sticky” attached to a piece of half-eaten candy
winopants recently posted..Confessions of a Potty Mouth

Looks like somebody needs a vacation.

See, this is what happens when you leave intelligent, capable women with too much time on their hands. They start obsessing over their childrens’ valentines and that way, as you so rightly point out, zombies lie. This is how the apocalypse will start, people. Not with an alien invasion, but with a HOME-MADE VALENTINE…
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The cat/vaccuum option is seriously the best. Go for it.
Karen Sanders recently posted..The Audacity of a Title *explicit language*

People think I have got the power cause I’ve got the monkeys. Nope. I’ve got the power because I’ll let the monkeys loose… They don’t understand……

http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/five/monkeys.html
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Personally, I think you should go with “I Heart You” stapled to a bag with a chicken heart in it. (You could probably go cheap and buy chicken livers in bulk becasue a kid wouldn’t know the differrence between an actual heart and a liver anyway and the Mom would be too busy freakin the fuck out and calling the cops or something to notice it’s the wrong organ. So DEFINITELY go with the cheaper livers.)
Just a thought…
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I love “some dead owls”. I laughed so hard my family thought something might be seriously wrong with me.
Sara recently posted..After All

If you did any of the above, another mom would attempt to top you. She would bring actual human hearts. What happened to the Barbie paper ones you tear apart and close with stickers? The sticker ones only went to your BFFs of course.

Put Them in your Tea and Spill it on your crotch
http://bloggingwench.weebly.com/the-dumbest-thing-youll-read-today.html
Ellen recently posted..Put Them in your Tea and Spill it on your Crotch

On the revenge tangent- permanent markers! Make up whatever to work them in to the Valentine but what kids doesn’t like markers? And the permanency is just for the super-overachiever moms who’ve upped the ante!
Kelly recently posted..Cookies!

So, can we start making these and pinning them to Pinterest and sharing them with each other until they are the most popular Valentine pins?

These are fantastic ideas. Love them all. But in defense of the over-achievers, I’d say it’s a slippery slope. After all, you are a published author with what? A half a million readers per day? One might say you are an over-achiever. So as a perfectly normal class Mom and PTA Vice-President, when the uber-successful career Moms tell me I’m making them feel bad, I have a canned response: “Agreed. Your success as a surgeon also makes me feel less secure as a woman. I’ll be crappier at my job as soon as you are.” Let everyone shine their own light, and don’t take it as a personal statement on your own performance. I love all Valentines: homemade, Wal-Mart, dead stapled owls. It’s all love. It’s all good.

(Well said. But in my defense, I’m only accidentally successful so I don’t think I count. Also, don’t send anyone fever monkeys and we’re cool. ~ Jenny)

Fever monkey’s. Hehe. The, “You rock” idea is kind of cute. Did you know that you can get chocolate rocks? You could mix them with real rocks for the kids that piss you off. “Food” for thought.
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And YOU KNOW where the dead owls and dolphins are. Only you.
Leslie recently posted..Seeing what is there

Maggie B is right, Bassoons are woodwinds. Brass instruments are horns. But I’m glad she mentioned it first so I wouldn’t be that annoying band parent who corrects people. But then again, maybe I am?

And like seriously, Valentine’s Day at school is for the kids to celebrate…. are the kids making those amazingly snarky-over-the-top valentines? Nope, the parent is. What do the kids get out of that other than ‘my mom knows how to show up the other moms’. We either buy ours at the last minute at Walmart or the kids make their own with construction paper that might be red or pink and the hearts are uneven and they don’t spell Valentine’s correctly…. and I think they mean more to them than if I attempted to be creative.
Gail recently posted..Yeah, they’ll never call back.

I read “bassoons” as “bazooms”. So there.

I feel your pain. My 9 year old is totally taking a bag of rocks to school for v-day. Thanks for the idea! I’ll let you know how it goes. I might have to visit the principals office but it will be worth it.

I love this, even though I’ve totally been considering being one of those over-the-top moms and giving out dollar store pencils that say “You’re just write.” lol.

Also, I’m with one of the other commenters. I’m totally stealing one of your ideas for my husband’s Valentine.
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I love the corn one, but am disappointed there wasn’t an “ear” pun in it. Something about being all ears? Actually, never mind, I can’t make it work either.

I’m not in the US, and Valentines Day is celebrated rather differently here, so I find the idea of children handing out valentines to everyone else in the class kind of weird. In these parts it’s more about love in the more adult sense, so the idea of helping your kid come on to every other kid in the class seems… a bit wrong?

But then, I don’t get Halloween, either.
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Half of those ideas will be given to my husband, along with what James(#9) suggested…
“I love the SHIT out of you” taped to ex-lax….

Jesus Christ this post made me laugh so hard I choked on the milkshake I was drinking. I’m now dripping with banana milkshake and I don’t even care man.

Why can’t those moms be normal and just go to Walmart for a pack of cards, or even go fancy and go to Target instead?
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Jenny, you’re on Pinterest and pin “kick ass stuff” all the time. Are you honestly telling all of us that you’re not in the over-achiever rank for that purpose alone. Even I saw a site with a whole bunch of awesome homemade Valentines to make! LOL! Though, if you get the owls, feel free to send me one of those. Just have your dad stuff it for me first…

|so that these bitches (I mean that in a good way)

We know that you don’t. We understand.
thedavidcmurphy recently posted..Kar-El

I was going to go with a quote from Big Bang Theory about hearts being a woman’s buttocks upside down.
Laurie recently posted..By the Skein of my Teeth

What about real cow hearts with “I love mooooo” written across them in permanent marker? I see your homemade hearts and I raise you a dead cow heart…suck on THAT, supermoms
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That’s it. From here on out, I’m boycotting everything homemade. Someone’s got to stimulate the fucking economy and all this homemade shit is mucking up the works. I had a feeling I was going to come to this decision at Christmas with the homemade advent calendar trend, which just about made me lose my shit – I mean, who the hell has time to make advent calendars with 24 individually wrapped presents when you can buy perfectly fine ones at the store? – but V day is my line in the sand. Thank you for the incentive.
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To Indiana Lori —

I’m not quite sure how to say this … as a Mom who regularly feels shitty about not being able to do anything for my son’s class because I’m trying to finish a PhD, hearing you put it that way actually helps a lot. Not that I want YOU to feel bad, but that we all excel in our own areas and shouldn’t feel bad about it. But we’re moms and we’re overachievers (some of us), so we still do. So thank you.

At the same time, your comment kinda makes Jenny sound unkind and that’s not cool. But since you read her blog, I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t mean it that way. After all, most of the ladies here are fan-fucking-tabulous!

K.
Kadesh recently posted..Katy Perry’s Aversion to Feminism Shows Feminism Is Still Radical – The Atlantic

I just wanted to say, your blog never fails to brighten my day. Take today, for example. I’ve had a long-ass day (and it’s only 4:04?!) full of people who think they know how to do my job better than me telling me how to do my job, professors piling homework on top of perilously tall piles of homework, and frantic packing for a conference I’m going to this weekend. So I get back from class, plop down at my laptop determined to get SOME sort of productivity out of the way before dinner…and see your blog post. Day instantly better

I almost said that 30 dead animals may be difficult to find, and several of your ideas involve stapling things to carcasses, so I was going to recommend going with the bees or used syringes – but then I remembered it’s you, and you probably know EXACTLY where to get 30+ dead animals in a variety of species way easier than a shit-ton of bees or used needles. I’m not sure if I feel good or bad about the notion that I could probably find 30 used needles before I could find 30 dead owls – that either makes me way normaler than you (it’s a word – I went to college, so that entitles me to make shit up as long as it’s contextually sound. Don’t judge me), or I need to move the fuck out of the city.

Okay these ideas are awesome and remind me of my last awesome gift to my husband — a spatula. Today at work we were talking about crochet toilet paper roll cozies from my childhood in Texas and I thought wow that is also an awesome statement gift that says I love you so much I want to keep your toilet paper roll warm for Valentine’s Day.
Beck recently posted..Reading Between the Lines: Conversation with My 14 Year Old

@Andie,

Killing Valentine’s Day isn’t enough. We need a time machine to take out the originator of it. Which means:

The main reason why Valentine’s Day rose to power is that The Doctor did not stop it.
TechyDad recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Meeting Ariel in #NewFantasyland

Um, I’m kind of currently working out the logistics of how to purchase 352 Valentine’s cards from Walmart and tiptoe around my dorm the weekend before Valentine’s taping cards to every door, possibly including a Hershey’s Kiss if I can figure out how to attach those to doors.

In early December, I bought thirty boxes of candy canes (12 canes per box, 360 canes total), smuggled them into the dorm, opened the packages, dumped them all into a big reusable Walmart bag, and then tiptoed around the dorm for two nights straight (I had to work the first night so I had to cut my fun short after only the top two floors) candy-caning every door in the dorm.

Am I a bad person?

(No. You, my friend? Are awesome. And if you lived in my town I would join you. ~ Jenny)

I looooaaaathe the unecessary Valentine’s Day hype -______-. However your ideas do bring me a sick type of joy.

Here’s another suggestion:

“You’re my sweetheart” thumb tacked to the decaying tooth of someone’s great grandmother Floe.
Jay recently posted..1,000 Views! ….WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

i love you with all my heart – taped to a human heart? on the back – “keepin’ it real, bitches.” ;o)
monica recently posted..it’s a short list

My boys will be handing out these.

http://franticallysimple.com/2012/02/dr-who-free-printable-valentines/

ZOMG! This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thank you.

Neither my hubby nor I participate in Valentine’s Day. We celebrate our love 365 days a year, not on any single day, especially at the behest of the greeting card companies. We don’t need the calendar to remind us of how much we mean to each other. that is TRUE LOVE.

And now to go fishing for dolphin…. :p
Rebecka recently posted..Michigan: Where the Leaves Crunch Louder

Anything taped, stapled or hot glued to a stuffed dead anything is a Valentine’s winner. Run with it.
Denise Malloy recently posted..Coming Clean

One change: This may sound corny, but you’re the best, attached to a cooked and eaten ear of corn.

Outside of that, everything is brilliant. You are brilliant. How is it you are so brilliant? I love the way your brain works. Really. A lot.
Tara recently posted..I wish

I think I love you all over again…
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, IT’S JUST VALENTINE’S DAY.”
That, and “*knock knock, motherfucker*” .
A very many side-clutching giggles have been done in your honor.
And I thank you.
April recently posted..When Freezing Happens…

I’ve got to brag! The one kid in my boys’ class with the over achiever mom moved away! Now it’s just me and the other slacker moms!
Amanda R. recently posted..Meeting Nature in the City

Hi hi hi. You may not read this since you have tons ‘o’ fans and about 300 comments on this post alone, but I just wanted to tell you that you really inspire me. I have my own humor blog (Curls and Cusses) that I don’t update nearly enough since I’m trying to do the whole graduate from college thing right now. I love what you do and I always come to your page when I need a swift kick in the ass to write a new post. I hope someday people enjoy my blog as much as they enjoy yours.
Celia recently posted..I never want to be naked in the winter, Cosmo.

Sometimes reading blogs is like opening a can of worms because I’ll be driving around in the mini-van thinking things like:

“Oh…o.k….Take a pregnancy test and attach the message, “Just taking a ‘pregnant pause’ to tell you, ‘Baby…we can stand the ‘test’ of time.”

A cigarette with, “I’m not blowing smoke…being without you would be a drag.”

A blank check with, “Let’s check into forging a new friendship Valentine”

A checkbook register with “I’m completely out of balance without you”

A high school trigonometry book with “1m + 1u= Nothing makes sense without u Valentine.”

Thanks Bloggess for helping me completely space out in the van.

A toad with ‘Have I toad you lately that I love you’

Ritalin with ‘I’d just spazz out without you Valentine’

Xanax with ‘I’m on Cloud 9 with you Valentine’.

Oh dear Lord….make it stop…I’m drugging the theoretical child’s Valentine party. G’Night!
Andrea recently posted..Bust Outta Here

You realize where this is heading, don’t you?

Be mine – attached to a land mine.
I love you to pieces – attached to a land mine.
You blow me away – attached to a land mine.
Don’t step on the land mine – attached to a land mine.

I beg you to stop before this goes any farther!
Robert K. Blechman recently posted..The New Twitter Mystery Begins! This Week’s Amazing Tweets!

First Valentine’s day with the guy who became my husband, I kept telling him no presents because Valentine’s is a crock of shit. He got me a crockpot.

(And three yellow roses because they’re my favorite and he likes to make me cry.)

I expect details on how this works out and what method works best. It will be something to remember if I ever have kids.
Rachel recently posted..My Pets!

Screw, just get the $2.99 box of valentines from walmart and be done with it.
Cheryl D. recently posted..A New Addition!

Those are all great ideas but you do your child and her lineage (well, at least half of it) a disservice if there isn’t some form of taxidermied animal with every valentine, don’t you think? Who wouldn’t want a dead owl or rabbit over a boulder? And if they wouldn’t, then wouldn’t this be a great experience for them to learn and stretch? You’d be doing your daughter’s whole class a great public service.

I particularly liked the ziplock bags filled with the dead bugs Sassy with class….or is it classy with sass? I get confused about these things.

I have never been happier for not celebrating Valentine’s Day, than after reading this post. @_@ Those mamas? Scary!

I say I’ve never celebrated. That’s a lie. Hubby came home from work that one year with a flower-decorated box of Valentine’s chocolate. His boss had bought them for him and ordered him to give them to me, or, according to the bossman, I’d kick his sorry ass out. We were both equally confused. But the chocolates were tasty
Cara(Eli) recently posted..Georg, the lap dog

Live bees!!! Best Valentine ever. Makes me think of that classic Simpsons line, “It says ‘Bee mine’ and there’s a picture of a bee on it!”

If the Simpsons taught us anything it taught us the importance of not taking Valentines cards so damn seriously.
Kaitlyn recently posted..Travel when you’re young

I have to tell you that you have irrevocably changed me though I am not sure for better or worse. I found your post about Beyonce on pintetest yesterday and have since sat down and read your ENTIRE blog. And even now it is 3 am and although I have finished I am sending links to some of my favorites to people in my phone. I am getting angry replies about it being late but they will thank me when they wake up and see what motherfucking gems they have waiting in their inbox. I hope you take pride knowing everyone from my 14 yr old cousin to my 70 yr old grandmother will be reading tales of giant metal chickens and stuffed weasels all day long. And ps… I need,and by need I mean I might die if I do not get my own little Juanita in my hands. I am still working on my husband. I told him it could be an heirloom for our 8 week old son. He was not amused. But I am. Oh how I am.

I’m sitting here in the hospital and can tell you honestly that your post made my heart race becuase I loved it so much, 98 BPM Laughing hurts but totally worth it!

Jenny, as a former bassoonist, I can assure you that the bassoon is, in the broad sense of the word, a “horn.” As in something you put your lips together and blow into. Horns, strings, drums.

I think Maggie B. is just jealous of the noble bassoon and is sore you chose it for your Valentine. :p

(And yes, I can also confirm that bassoonists are perpetually horny.)

(TMI?)

Here is the letter you should send to all the class mothers:

Ladies,

In an escalation of arms it’s the little people who suffer most. So if you all don’t knock off the “Who’s the best mommy?” craft war I WILL send home valentine kittens this year. That will be my warning shot. The next shot fired will be an entire litter of puppies. You have been warned. A dum dum sucker and a sticker is sufficient. Anything more elaborate will be considered an act of war.

Trust me – they will thank you.

I think owl-pellets might be better … no need to climb trees to find dead owls and way more gross as they contain owl spit AND random rodent parts.
booktoss recently posted..Obituary for a Cupcake

NO! NO! NO! Stop this now. Do not rise to it or get involved. Encouraging your kids to take part in this just turns them in to sad fucked up adults who still send out 50 million christmas/valentines/easter/any other fucking celebration cards in the hope of getting 50 million back so people visiting their house can comment like “Oh wow! look how popular you are!!” And if you don’t send one back, the next year they don’t send you one and eventually you will be like I was this year WITH NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARDS and the not receiver will end up feeling really unpopular and unloved and you don’t want that on your concience now do you???? *takes a deep breath* Jenny, move over. I think I need to lay down too.
Sam Whiteoak recently posted..‘Eat a whole multipack of crisps’ tops recession bucket list

That is one hilarious, feverish post. I wish the kids could read it.
Burns the Fire recently posted..Life or Death

I just pinned this to Pinterest. I hope it wipes out all of the stupid ideas I see there. I’m tired of women thinking they have to win at every single holiday.

And I’d have hated getting a ruler as a Valentine when I was a kids.
Kimberly recently posted..One-year workiversary!

“I want you tuba mine.” Attached to a sousaphone.

Valentine’s Day also happens to be my husband’s birthday, so many of these would be for an adult. Most of these are OFFENSIVE, so if you currently have a stick up your ass, stop reading now.

“You are smokin hot” written on a pack of cigarettes and lighter
“Your love is infectious” stapled to a condom
“I’m crazy about you” taped to an Rx bottle of lithium
“Stuck on you, Valentine” attached to a tube of superglue
“You are pretty as a picture” written on dozens of Polaroid pictures that look stalker-esque
“You are special” on a helmet packaged in bubble wrap
“I’ve only have eyes for you” in a box of human eyeballs
“You drive me nuts” with a fake ID taped to a bag of peanuts
“Hey, I heard you are a fun guy” wrapped around a can of anti fungal spray and a dirty jock strap
“Because you’re mine, I walk the line” on mini breathalyzer
“You take the cake, Valentine” written in icing on a cake with a footprint in the middle
“You’re the only one for me” written on a bottle of Chloroform wrapped up in a rag
“The world is brighter because the sun shines out of your ass, Sweetheart” wrapped up with a mini flashlight and tube of Astroglide.
“You’re a knockout” taped to a pamphlet about domestic violence
“All you need is love” stapled to a bag of dead Beatles
“You hold the key to my heart” on a keychain with a small animal heart attached
“Without you, I’d be blue… balled” Baggie of used Kleenex and bottle of lotion.
“I couldn’t survive without you” written on a cooler with kidneys inside
“So, now that you’re knocked up” (open the card) “Will you be my Valentine?”

I could do this shit all day. I warned you that many would be offensive.

You make me feel better. It’s not that I’m against class parties for every fricking holiday on the calendar, but it’s all the time and effort that goes into them. These are just kids (I have one of my own) – why do they need cupcakes that look like mini masterpieces and a whole bag of favors to take home for me to have to dig out from under the couch and step on in the middle of the night? I like keeping it simple. All the fancy ass crap can come later in life when they actually appreciate it (and they can spend the time and effort on it). Besides, how will they ever learn to appreacite the simple things in life? A little paper valentine from walmart that their classmate took a little time to seal shut with a sticker should mean more than a handmade card with a egocentric photo on it that the kid never even knew about until SuperMommy was finished with it. gah…

I am surely glad that I’m not the only sick puppy who immediately thought of a real heart.

But they do make them out of chocolate. Which I once gave to a lover. Who was creeped out by a gift that “could have been given by Peter Lorre”.
Comrade Misfit recently posted..Anti-Oxidants– Nah

I am 80% confident that this post may be used against you in a court of law someday…

amazing.
Kevin recently posted..The Mona and Joyce Show Episode 10 – David Beckham & The Virgin Mary

“I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies
Tape a dead beta fish to the stack?

A warning to anyone reading this: DO NOT READ WHILE DRINKING. You might short out your computer monitor.

The way i look at it some people have way too much time on their hands. Maybe they just love their children more than i do? Something to think about.

My kid is s-c-r-e-w-e-d because I’m not all into all that competitive stuff so I would just have my kid hand out $10 bills and put on the card…”I just bought your love, you are welcome” You know cause….I’m lazy and shit.
Jenn recently posted..Apparently My Messenger Bag Has Hands

All far more creative than I plan to get … i’ll be the mom who sends those crappy cards you buy. I probably won’t even put the class names on them… meh
Devan McGuinness recently posted..8 Phrases You Should Stop Being Afraid to Say to Your Kids

Looks like some good fodder for regretsy.com.
So hard not to laugh out loud in the very quiet cube farm…

“Bee(r) Mine” attached to a can of beer. Because there’s nothing wrong with extending naptime.

I feel like such a troll for writing this, but once a band geek, always a band geek…..bassoons are woodwinds…not horns.

Shame on me for pointing it out, but I clearly couldnt control myself.

I think you’d be an unforgettable Valentine’s Day, date, Jenny!
You could be a kick-ass companion to some lucky guy’s Doctor…

Lying down is always a good idea. Bed rest is the secret solution to most of the world’s problems. Including holidays that you don’t get off work but still have to buy cards for. Like Valentine’s Day (Feb 14) or my birthday. (June 20).
Jami recently posted..Going for a record

Overachievers suck.

For the revenge valentines, “You’re sharp!” taped to a Sharpie. Especially for the pre-K class. Can you imagine what 15 4-year olds can do with all those sharpies?

(and I’m only bringing this up because I’ve received the comment 129 letter a bazillion times this year.)

I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks! I love it… I know how you feel, my husband is one of those people who is so good at everything he ever tries to do that it gets aggravating and occasionally even makes me mad. I usually don’t vent my frustrations though as well as you did.

This was my first visit here. I rarely can truthfully say this, but it definitely won’t be the last!
Laney recently posted..EGAN Medical to Offer Holiday Discounts for Expecting Moms

Dear Jenny,

Can I call my blog ‘Not Nearly As Funny As Jenny, But With The Occasional Laugh?’ No? Well, it was worth a shot. Anyway, my favorite was: “You’re a hoot, valentine” stapled to some dead owls

Not sure why I liked this one so much except “hoot” cracks me. I was also thinking that there’s a very good chance you can combine Valentine’s Day with Easter on that raw egg one. Just boil those suckers, throw a little of that dye in there with them *poof* TWO holidays down, mutha-luvas.
Allison Merritt recently posted..Book Feature – Sweet Prairie Passion

LMAO Sweet! I should get a t-shirt at wholesale for being the slogan inventor. LOLOL

Actually, the sugar idea is kind of cool – you could do it with packets of sugar, stolen from restaurants. But that would involve premeditation. maybe it would be easier to steal flip-flops for the first idea?
Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food recently posted..Announcing: An Amnesty Program

I have not laughed this much in a long time! I am making my sons valentines day cards as we ..type.. and yes Im aware that its 3 weeks out. You are so funny! Thank you for making my day

Will you move the next post link to the top of your page? I don’t get to read your blog every day so sometimes I have to play catch up. I have to scroll ALL the way through all the comments on my phone.

(If I was smart enough to know how to do that I totally would. But the good news is that the comments are usually funnier than the posts so I’m probably doing you a favor by making you read them. ~Jenny)

As a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator, I resemble your comment! (Nothing like a little Rodney to make everyone groan… ) I think I should make hand stamped valentines and THEN staple them to dead stuff. To cover all the bases…

Good luck finding a five lb. bag of sugar. They’re all 4lbs, and a gallon of bleach is no longer a gallon. Damn tricksy grocery stores.

my friend’s daughters class won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. They will be having a Friendship Festival. So, what the hell is wrong with Valentine’s Day? Is it politically, racially or religiously incorrect?

Too far, people. You’re going too far.

Yep, read it as “baboon” too …wow…automatic mental image of a baboon butt included…But most importantly Jenny, yes to everything you said! And fuck those fucking overachievers. In fact, let’s sic the zomb- no… wait… the kittens! Yes, let’s sic the sick, mewling, diarrhea squirting, full 90 kitten head count on them. (And I too, mean that in a good way).

Also my Val -Day card pitch: “Cleave to my heart” complete with cow heart (or any available heart) with jauntily placed meat cleaver and artistic arterial spray.

Just finished your book. “Nook” thought I’d like it based on my previous choices, and turns out, “Nook” was right. Hope you are busy working on the next one! I can’t wait!

>>> “I’m great, but you’re beta” stapled to a stack of obsolete Beta movies<<

Or you could tape it to a fish bowl full of beta fish. Now I'm going to go lie down.
carol anne recently posted..After the Light & Before the Darkness, there is Color

Bassoons?

Love this post! I feel like we’re on the same wave length here -I’ve even dabbled in greeting cards myself, I call them WTF Greeting cards. How about adding “Urine my heart, Valentine!” written on a mason jar filled with fresh pee?
Kim recently posted..Free Advice Friday – Bickering Bettys

Horns can be made of wood!

I’ve never understood the need to incorporate young children in the Valentine’s day insanity. I mean we’re basically forcing them to tell ALL their classmates that they love them, how is that healthy? And yeah some moms are just assholes and have to be awesome all the time while the rest of us can only manage to be awesome maybe 1 day every 364 days.
Angela recently posted..Give a germophobe a ‘sanitize’ setting and look out!

I am from Oklahoma, where it is totally normal to have a 12 year old at the age of 33, but live in the East Village of Manhattan, where you are *apparently* required to be retired, with loads of free time on your hands, before you even *think* of giving birth. I efficiently shut down the Valentine’s day Home-maker Massacre, as I so lovingly call it, by pointing out that asking our kids to give valentines that are essentially gifts by saying they encourage earlier sexualisation. Look, assholes, I am doing this on my own while being a medical resident.
Let it never be said that I didn’t earn the title I have at home of The Fun Killer.
Mum WIN.

Just another way for me to be thankful my kids are in college. Been there, done that. No presents, ever.
Laurie F. recently posted..singing the icy cold blues

Mindy (mother-flippin-shut-cho-mouf) Rimer- AWESOME Valentines.

This is why I don’t attend Christmas cookie exchanges any more. It all became a world-class championship beatdown to see who out-Martha Stewarted the rest of the group with the most elaborate cookies. Why do women do this to each other? Get over it all and lighten the f*ck up. If ever I’m drunk enough to attend a cookie exchange again, I’m throwing a pack of Oreos on the table and they can just deal with that. Now, where’s the refreshment table? Mama needs a little punch.
Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted..Comment on Welcome, Downsized Living Magazine Readers!

Jenny, the only thing I can say is I love you in a very girly crush kind of way.

Thanks for making me laugh at a HORRIBLE time in my life!
Chelle recently posted..Into Every Life, A Puppy Must Come

I now have the desire to go get a 2×4.

We’re never “board” with you!

Not dead owls, owl pellets- it is like science, gross and fun all at once.

Hehe, yeah, I’m one of those women you would love to hate. That’s OK, I love you anyway!
Stephenie recently posted..The Lorax Birthday Party

Dammit. I want to share this on Facebook. Because it is that damn funny. But I can’t find anything that says “share on Facebook” on here and seriously, this is taking alot of effort. But, just so you know, this is hilarious. And so true.

HAHAH the water bottle! Such a great idea!

LMFAO I haven’t laughed at a blog post like this in quite some time. Therefore, you’ve already made my Valentines Day noteworthy. Thanks for your witty contributions to the blogosphere.

xoxo,

Jules of Canines & Couture
http://www.caninesandcouture.com

How about “I’ll never TIRE of you!” printed inside some treads rescued from the side of the highway?

No Jenny, Bassoons are woodwind instruments played with a double reed. English Horns, sometimes erroneously called Horns, are also woodwind instruments played with a double reed. Also, occasionally trombones and trumpets are referred to as horns… but that’s wrong too. =) Now, I play French Horn and as such I totally feel like I can say, with complete authority, that the only real horn is the French horn. Which, incidentally enough, isn’t French at all. As a side note, the ‘old world’ name for bassoon is the ‘faggott’. Nice.

We used to laugh about that in music school. Because we are nerds.

Ha – confusing enough? =)
P.S. I still love you!
Maggie B. recently posted..{dysfunctional ramble}

If you are going to really step it up, screw the kittens. Give out baby sloths.

This is just so damn hilarious I peed myself reading it! I triple dog dare you to DO IT. Any of it.
Kim @ LiaH recently posted..Super Bowl Sunday – Time to Munch!

I’m a mom who likes to bring the craft for class parties or bake or make decorations or chair events. I do it because it is fun and because I can. I enjoy making things and watching other people enjoy them too. I don’t do them to show up other parents. My son often helps and gives input which is great because sometimes it’s hard to connect with a 10 year old boy. I don’t play MineCraft and I throw like a girl. When I worked 60+ hour weeks to take care of us, I’d send in valentines from Kmart and bags of grapes and was glad someone else was there to help them glue googly eyes on wooden hearts. You may look down on us to feel better about yourselves but I’ve never once heard the other moms y’all call “overachievers” complain about hating the parents who can’t or don’t do these things.

I found these and thought of you.

http://www.collectorsweekly.com/articles/happy-valentines-day-i-hate-you/

From Neatorama.

Personally, we have chosen pencils with hearts on them. My five year old son is going to write in a calligraphic font “you give me a heart on.” My other idea involved having to bake muffins and I am just not that kind of mom.

u need moar critters:

“I can’t bear to be without you”
“I’m never boar-ed with you”
“Let’s goat together”
“My heart soars when I’m with you” (Bird of choice)
“They call it puppy love” (Oh no I’ve gone too far… or have I?)

Penelope, take a deep breath and realize that this is NOT ABOUT YOU.

How about “Hope your valentine’s day is full of adventure”? Attached to a knife and a map…

How about deer testicles with, “Honey, you drive me ‘NUTS’!”

You have Beta movies hanging around your house, don’t you. Otherwise, why on earth would you think of the Beta movies line…Valentine.

My Valentine is giving me a box of chocolates and a gift certificate for Jenny Craig. How cute.

Yup. I did this. I took your advice and applied it to my husband. Over the past few days I’ve been leaving little pink heart with your phrases on them. “Oh me so horny” taped to his steering wheel (get it… car horn…), “Give me some sugar” on the sugar dispenser, “You’re HOT” On the hair dryer… and so on. He called me a nerd and laughed. Exactly what I was looking for.

So I totally stole your idea of “I’m never BOARD with you” and added “WOOD you be my Valentine?” Written on a 4 foot long plank and gave it to my boyfriend for Valentine’s day. He loved it. I took a picture which I was going to email to you, but I couldn’t find your email.