Texts to Victor…
me: Hey, guess what? I finally found the perfect barstools!
Victor: Wow. That had better be a half-assed attempt at a joke.
me: You’re terrible at math. It’s at least two asses full. Plus, we’ll look like centaurs from the back. SO AWESOME.
Victor: I’m canceling all of your credit cards until you’re responsible enough to not shop for furniture at places that have dirt instead of carpet.