And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?”

in Random Crap

Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?

me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.

Victor:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

 

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, JENNY.  JUST ANSWER IT.

me:  *mumble mumble*

Victor:  What?  What are you saying?

me: *mumble mumble*

Victor:  WHAT?

me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.

Victor:  You’re killing me here.

me:  It won’t always be a drill, Victor.  Get your shit together.

 

The 40,002nd time:

Victor:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.

me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.

Victor:  RELIEVED?  I’M PISSED.

me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

 

The 40,003rd time:

Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?

me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Jenny.

Victor:  I FUCKING KNOW IT’S YOU.

me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?

Victor:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

 

The 40,004th time:

Victor:  AAAAARGH!

me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.

Victor:  JUST ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.

me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.

Victor:  I already don’t understand you.

me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

 

The 40,005th time:

Victor:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.

me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.

Victor:  But at least you’d answer the phone.

me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.

Victor:  What?

me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

 

The 40,006th time:

Victor:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

me:  Well, that would be very depressing.

Victor:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.

 

The 40,007th time:

me:  OH MY GOD, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.

Victor:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.

me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.

Victor:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.

me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.

 

********

On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses.  But just when I was feeling really sorry for myself I got a note from my editor telling me that my book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) has been on the NYT best-seller list for the last three months.  Which is insane.  And amazing.  And completely thanks to you and your fantastic support.  So I’m doing another give-away as a small way to say “thanks”.  Leave a comment (about anything) and I’ll randomly pick a few winners to get signed copies of my book.  Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman.  That guy’s amazing.

2,275 thoughts on “And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?””

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Thank you for being you and for being so articulate. Also, for sharing. And thanks to Victor as well!

  2. Ahh!!! I’m definitely the “Victor” in my relationship. I swear my husband hits the “ignore” button on real-life/in-person conversations just like he does with his phone 🙂

  5. I’m also the Victor here. My wife never answer her cell, totally drives me nuts.

  6. You got me through about three weeks of not wanting to function by the sheer power of hilariousness and the thought that maybe I am not a tribe of one. On a somewhat-related note, I gleefully picked up a skull for my bone garden during forced walkies this morning, only to be told by my foster daughter that it’s a cat skull. #conflicted

  8. ME!!! I MET NEIL GAIMAN LAST WEEKEND WHEN HE WAS AT THE TRAIN STATION WITH AMANDA PALMER! TRUE STORY! ASK HIM! SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO A BENEFIT FOR THE MERMAID PARADE AND BECAUSE THE MERMAID PARADE WAS SAVED FROM EXTINCTION IN PART DUE TO HER EFFORTS…I AM GOING TO BUY A BLUE TUTU AND START ASSEMBLING A MERMAID COSTUME!!!

    Please, please pick me. Your book has been on my Amazon wish list and I’m too poor to buy it for myself and my Boyfriend is too sharp to buy it for me because he thinks you’ll “give me ideas.” (which is true)

  9. Victor! I feel your pain! The husband never answers his phone. I’ve given everyone my best friend’s phone number as my emergency contact because I could be dead and he would never know. He’d just wonder why dinner was late.

    Hope your week gets better!

  10. Saving your book for summer reading. Because I think that’s the best time to read about taxidermied animals and depression. Wait, is that what your book is about? Maybe I’m following the wrong blog.

  11. The only reason that the right to not answer your phone isn’t in the Constitution is that Ben Franklin hadn’t invented them yet. Don’t make us do an amendment, people!

  12. *mumble mumble*

    Also, I hope your face doesn’t get eaten off by horses, it would be harder for you to articulate your hilarious awesomeness if that happened.

  13. I am so the Victor in this scenario. Now if only the explanations I got as to why he never answers the phone were half this entertaining.

  16. I hope the suckage gets better. Here’s to Rainbow Unicorns and rad photo shoots and pools that magically fix and fill themselves.

  17. I wouldn’t answer the phone from this point on, cause I am mean like that. And when I do, I find some really annoying noise to make just to tick my husband off. So, really, Victor should be happy he isn’t married to me. Point that out to him next time, at least you answer eventually.

  18. I like free books.
    I also like your blog, it makes me like people a little bit more.
    But only a little

  19. And this is why I never call my wife. Right. Yes. That’s the ticket.

  21. A comment about ANYthing? Ok! If I want to wire 35 3mm LED lights in a non-uniform pattern, should I wire them in parallel or series?

    Or maybe I should just take up bowling and forget the artsy shit that is going to make me more insane than VanGogh – and who the hell knows what I’ll lop off instead of an ear?

    Plus, I’m showing that this is the first comment, but it will be interesting to see that 193 have been posted in the time it took me to type this.

  22. Can I get a gift certificate for a Neil Gaiman book signed by you?

    Or your book signed by Neil?

  23. Gah, the typo in the first line is so distracting that I am having trouble reading the rest. I’ll be back.

  24. I’m reading your book at work, and have giggled out loud more times than I care to admit. It’s awesome.

  25. LMAO this was an amusing post.

    I already have your book. I’ll take the $15. Do you need my Paypal address? 🙂

  26. Today has been terrible and I briefly considered quitting 5 minutes ago. I need a free book. And a cookie.

  27. I never answer my phone either …. but I like you’re idea of having a planned conversation for if/when one of the people in the relationship gets kidnapped. I watch WAY too much crime drama (Criminal Minds, Motive, Bones, CSI) and people get kidnapped ALL THE TIME. It’s like safe words, but REALLY… SAFE words.

  28. I’m sorry you are having a bad week. Sometimes the best news in the world doesn’t lift the veil that has fallen over us. Hang in there.

  31. I got my mom a Beyoncé “It’s full of whimsy” shirt for her birthday last week.

    She texted me yesterday to tell me that she and my dad and Beyoncé were on their way to NYC. I just love that image, no matter which way you slice it.

  32. I do wonder about Victor. Why does he keep expecting you to answer the phone? It’s like my husband expecting me to be on time or something. Like THAT’LL ever happen.

  33. I would love to get a signed book for my friend’s birthday! We all LOVE you! Also, my husband never answers his phone.

  35. This is so similar to conversations I have with my husband over not answering the phone, I’m beginning to think we’re Orphan Black-like clones, as are our husbands. Weird. I like glitter.

  37. How about a copy of your book signed by BOTH you and Neil? THAT WOULD BE STUFFED ELEPHANT TRUNKS FULL OF AWESOME!

    PS: Have you ever seen the Owlefant in the Museum of Unnatural Science in Washington DC? YOU NEED ONE.

  38. I’ve been a fan ever since friends shared the Beyonce article with me. 🙂

  39. “You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all. It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.”

    That perfectly sums up how I feel about just about all of the complaints that my husband has about me. Listen, dude, you knew what you were getting into and you still chose it anyway. So, now you just have to smile and live with it. Caveat emptor, my friend, caveat emptor.

  40. I already have your book. But I’m saving up for those horse ass bar stools! 🙂

  41. I am “Victor”, too!! Drives me nuts- I tell Hubby I don’t care if he’s working/cycling/whatever….I need to know something NOW LOLOL

  42. I never answer my phone either. Everyone knows to text me if there’s a question. Otherwise voicemails will be ignored until they auto delete.

  43. Always a hilarious post. I love the people that will ignore your phone call and then respond with a text. Is that passive aggressive or is it just me? Congrats on the book news!

  48. I already have your signed book and I cried on some of the pages from laughing too hard. My friends keep asking to borrow it and I refuse to lend it out. Neil Gaiman rocks. For the sake of the surreal, I want a Neil Gaiman book signed by you.

  49. We are the same people. My husband texts me to answer my phone, I’m allergic to latex, and I JUST fucking read about primitive horses in Tibet last night. They’re coming to eat faces, I know it.

    I prefer your to Gaiman. Just sayin’.

  50. OMG, I just died at work. I have got to stop reading your blog at work. People are looking at me like I’m crazy. Have to say, my favorite was the hostage scenario!

  51. Answering the phone is so 10 years ago. Victor should really learn to text. That way you can ignore him in new ways.

  53. WOOT. I will not only read your book, I will review it on Goodreads, where I am terribly popular.

    Thank you,
    Cynthia

  59. I was talking to my boss once and he explained that his wife was super annoyed at him for never answering her calls, and she didn’t really believe him that he never heard the phone ring when she called. I asked to see his phone, and managed to find the “STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL” setting in his contacts, and her name was on the list. He swears he didn’t even know he had that feature, let alone that she was on it, but he did tell me the next day that she was so happy it was fixed that she called his cell phone multiple times that night just to say hi (while they were both home).

  60. If Victor knows you’re not going to answer, why does he keep calling? You’d think he’d learn …

  61. My husband can’t seem to answer his phone either. I call multiple times before he answers. Sure, sometimes it’s because he’s working, and sometimes it’s because his phone shuts itself off (or so he says right before adding that he needs a fancy new phone) but mostly I think he just likes to make me imagine what he’s doing instead of answering my call.

    PS – I have your book, but not a paper copy. That would be super awesome to have. 🙂 Especially with your signature, so I could learn to forge it… er… appreciate it… yeah… that’s it…

  63. Do you know how hard it is to laugh hysterically but very, very quietly so as not to disturb the person talking on the phone to your officemate? And yes, I do think it’s rude that someone would call my officemate during me-time.

  64. I never turn down caaaaaash money.

    …it doesn’t come with strings attached, does it?

    ‘Cause I’ll take those too.

  65. I really ought to know by now not to read your blog when I have a glass in my hand.

    But I’m still giggling even after having to mop orange juice off the sofa.

    Poor Victor.

  67. Hang in there Jenny!

    My favourite part of today’s post ?

    “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

  68. You are so gosh darn funny, Jennifer. You never cease to make me laugh. Thank you.

  70. I read your book on a flight home from Barbados. I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t see the words. But I needed those little breaks for general wheezing and regurgitating chunks of lung tissue buried since childhood. Thanks to your book….I recently scored a “mild obstruction” on my asthma test! I hope more shit happens to you (only good) so we can enjoy another New York Times bestseller!

  71. Even though I’ve never heard it, I bet there’s people out there that pronouce it “annie-thing” instead of “ennie-thing”. I hate them.

  72. After being in denial for 3 years I finally went and had my eyes checked.
    I was told it was just age. Clearly, they weren’t trying to make me feel better.
    So I just picked up my new reading glasses….and now I need something awesome to read.

  73. There are some days when I want to put badgers into random people’s purses.

  75. Trust me.. At the rate the cats are multiplying around here, kittens aren’t going extinct anytime soon.

  77. I never answer my phone, it’s mine, it’s here for MY convenience, besides everybody I know texts anyway, beats walking around town looking like you are talking to yourself.

  79. I don’t answer my phone so much that only telemarketers call. Usually I disconnect them immediately. Sometimes I taunt them, if I’m in that kind of mood.

  80. I keep giving away copies of your books to my friends. I need a new one (again). Ha.

  81. I never answer the phone NEVER and I turned off Text messaging 🙂 I hate phones..
    Love to read your blog and book 🙂 that has to count for something

  82. Sorry about the suckiness. I hope things turn around. I alternate between loving you and Victor more, because it is totally hard to pick favorites. but he’s so straight man to your hilarity that i can’t take it. I hope I am never in a situation like Sophie’s choice with you two, because man, that would be a hard one…

  83. I still haven’t read the last two chapters of your book. I bought it, got it signed by you, read most of it, gave it to my cousin as a gift (I never finished it, so it’s fine), and so I don’t know how it ends. I could use a copy of your book.

    🙂

  85. When I read your book, I totally “got” you. Too well. I went straight to my doctor for meds. Changed my life. I’ll check out this Gaiman guy.

  86. I’m totally the you in this situation. I don’t answer my phone ever. And if you leave me a voicemail, I’m probably never getting back to you. Ever. Because telephones fucking suck. Stop leaving me voicemails, mom. That’s all I’m saying.

    …this got away from me a little.

  87. My husaband once left me a message berating me for not answering the phone and then cheesily/mockingly said I should have answered because he was just calling to say “I love you times infinity.” I have saved this message in my voicemail for approximately 5 years and use it to taunt him whenever I can about what a dork he is. Needless to say, he doesn’t leave messages about me not answering anymore

  89. I truly love both you and Victor – I wish my husband was more like him.

    PS- I haven’t managed to read all of your book yet because I keep having to put it down until I stop laughing/crying so much that my contacts are floating around in my eyes.

  90. I never answer my house phone. I’m sure people wonder why I even have one. I would rather text or email than talk to people. Oh and I’m also allergic to latex tape.

    I have to wear an allergy bracelet whenever I’m in the hospital…..then I feel silly telling people it’s not something like penicillin or something life threatening….it’s tape LOL

  92. Love it! These are great excuses to use when my wife berates me for not answering my phone, texts, what’sapp etc… Especially the duct tape, classic you should be put in a museum for future generations to cherish.

  93. The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number…..Answer it and whisper “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere”. Then hang up

  94. I never answer my phone either. But mostly because all I ever get are prerecorded messages asking me about my credit/mortgage/phone bills/insurance etc. Dull. Life.

  95. You totally need to get an unpaid intern. Just think of the fun you have! The possibilities with the phone situation alone are practically limitless!

  96. I fucking love Neil Gaiman, but I’d actually really like a copy of your book.

  97. There’s a reason phones come with the magic ability to text. So I don’t have to answer it. Ever. Glad to hear my husband isn’t the only one who insists on calling.

  98. I’ve been having a similar conversation with my 9 year old regarding texts I send him.. for instance “Why did I buy you a phone, if you aren’t going to answer my texts?”
    And yes, I realize that 9 might be too young to have a phone, and under normal circumstances there would be no way in Hell I would have bought him one, but he is at his dad’s on the other side of the country.

  99. I have your book, but it’s the hardcover because I couldn’t wait to get it and it’s pretty heavy to hold up and read. I’d like a paperback one please. My arms are tired.

  100. I never answer my phone either. That’s because I always forget it in my car. That’s really what it’s meant for – taking phone calls in the car, which is actually illegal where I live. It’s how I live dangerously.

  101. The only thing this conversation is missing is dinosaurs. I’m sure you could have worked in a pterodactyl in there somewhere.

  102. Science has tried to develop a fireproof orphan for decades. The worst part is mining raw materials.

    Congrats on the sales, though! I know it doesn’t make up for the shitty week, but it’s still good to be reminded of how awesome you are from time to time.

  103. I’ll always answer your calls, Jenny. Especially if you’re calling to tell me I won your book! 🙂

  105. jesus this post is wonderful. victor owes you egg rolls and really – everything! because he’s not dead? and you are not in a burning building? I love it. I am constantly hearing it about forgetting my phone. hopefully hubby will never ever think of taping the phone to my person. because that would be awful and painful and I am not flexible either.

  106. My husband is the same damn way, and it drives me insane. I feel Victor’s pain. 😉

    Do the wittiest comments get the books? If so, I’m screwed.

  107. I would swear that you eavesdropped on me and my husband. Except you are super funny when you’re defensive and I just get flustered. I heart you very much!

  108. So this one time in college, I called up the guy I was seeing late at night and it went something like this:
    me: Hey there, handsome. I can’t wait to see you this weekend.
    him: uh…
    me: It’s been so long I can only imagine how it’s going to be. I miss you so very much.
    him: Um, Jeremy forwarded all his calls while he’s home this week. This is his dad and perhaps you should call back after he and I have had a talk about some things.
    me: uh, I think I have the wrong number….
    But then I actually had to meet his dad that weekend at it was crazy awkward. This is why I hate telephones.

    Oh, and maybe b/c I’ve been known to have long conversations with people who call only to find out it was a wrong number. However, my husband is hilarious when telemarketers call. He once convinced the guy that he wanted to buy a timeshare even though a) we don’t have a timeshare and b) the guy was trying to sell us a phone plan.

    Oh, and one more. A long time ago, I worked in radio. On my application it asked why I thought I should be hired. I wrote ‘B/c I have a face for radio and voice for a 1-900 number.’ I got the job.

    YAY telephone stories!

  109. Love that post. Thanks for the smiles this afternoon.

    Also – My wife, Mrs CK, thought your post a coupe months back about Laura Ingles and the nitroglycerine was hilarious. We were both glad you were okay and able to share the awesome ambulance ride to the hospital story.

  111. Ok, but why don’t you answer your phone? What if Victor is calling to ask you if you would like him to pick up egg rolls?

  112. I had a shitty week too, but every time I wanted to give up and cash it in I thought of you and how depression lies. Thanks for being there for me, even if you didn’t know it.
    J.

  113. :snort: — your conversations with Victor crack me up. hope your week improves. seems like if kittens aren’t extinct by Saturday that’s already a win.

  114. I never answer my phone either. Why would I? People on the other end always want something. They pretend they don’t but they do. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…well, I’d have to pick up the phone first and I’m not doing that anymore.

    Sorry about your shitty week. I’ve heard that having your face eaten off by horses is not a bad way to go, if you have to go. But I sure hope it does not come to that.

  116. I swear I have had this exact conversation sequence with my husband too…..

  118. We don’t call, since I work in an office and he works in a grocery store, but if I didn’t answer his gmail chats he would totally freak out, since I freak out when he doesn’t respond to mine, logic says he would do the same. And I concur on the shitty week. PMS is partly responsible for mine, along with wasting almost two hours of my life entertaining bitchy 3rd grade girl scouts last night when I could have been drinking wine at home. Why am I compelled to say yes ALL THE TIME?

  120. If I had it to do over again, I would have focused my Masters research on alleged specimens of Rasputin’s penis preserved in jars and shown at fairs throughout Russia.

  121. I also rarely answer the phone but I can’t imagine that anything exciting happened anyways if I’m not the one reporting it.

  122. I always feel I’m less alone in the universe after reading your blog. Thanks for the smiles!! 🙂

  124. I might have to adapt these for my hubby…lord knows I dont pick up the phone enough to piss him off…

  125. My hubby’s calls are pretty much the ONLY ones I will answer. I HATE talking on the phone. He’s constantly yelling at me to answer unknown numbers – sometimes I wonder why I even have one!

  126. ha! You are friggin’ HILARIOUS! My husband always wonders why I’m laughing my ass off at work 🙂

  127. David Tennet is 42. He is now truly the answer to life, the universe and EVERYTHING

  128. I’m leaving a comment because I also never answer my phone and I haven’t read your book yet because I’m a poor graduate student and books aren’t in my budget.

  129. I have a wisdom tooth eating its way through my skull and i’m at work so i can’t self-medicate with Orajel (or whiskey), but this post was almost as good at numbing the pain. Next time you don’t answer your phone, tell Victor that you had some emergency dental procedures to perform on a girl in Boston.

  130. MAKE GOOD ART! Jenny, you rock my socks off and let’s be honest here, socks are not always the easiest things to rock off. Xoxo

  132. I find it utterly awesome that mentioned getting your face eaten off by a horse. This past Saturday I did a “5K” (it wasn’t real I’m sure) and my one worry was that I was going to get eaten by a horse. My friend and I eventually decided it would be the horse from the headless horseman that would eat me…but we didn’t like his name. Who names the headless horseman’s horse Daredevil? I don’t remember seeing him do stunts. We renamed him to Black Death because we assume he’s black…I mean a guy that’s trying to kill you wouldn’t ride a white horse would he? Looks like I’m going to need to do some research on that one.

  133. I seriously hope kittens don’t become extinct on Saturday because our Siamese had kittens last night and they’re so cute and they would only be like three days old on Saturday and that would be just sad… And that was a really long run-on sentence. I’m sorry. I’m just panicked about kitten extinction. Darn you, Jenny! 🙂

  134. My voicemail actually says “I rarely answer the phone and don’t do voicemail. Text me” because hello social anxiety and phone phobia!

    I get it.

  137. Three months on the bestseller list ROCKS.

    Also, Victor has a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. My hubby has stopped picking on me about phone answerage. Does this mean that I have broken his spirit?

  139. You are my husband. Which doesn’t bother me – it actually makes me very happy.

    On another note…horses eating your face would be bad. Unicorns would be worse. Or the kittens eat your face and then go extinct. So, it could be worse, I guess.

  140. Horses are vegetarians and are very unlikely to actually eat your face. Cats on the other hand…

  141. Reading this makes me realize that I should make up a code to talk to my boyfriend in in case I get kidnapped. That’s brilliant planning ahead.

  142. What’s wrong with just texting? I like having a visual record of my conversations, dammit! The worst is when someone calls, then texts, and I answer the text, and they fucking call again!!! ARGH.

  143. I just want so say that you always crack me up. Also, I was at Goodwill the other day and saw a red dress… I almost didn’t buy it but it was cheap(enough) and in my size and you were in the back of my head arguing with me that I was worth it and so I did. My husband and I are going to be doing a photo shoot this summer and I think I’ll be buying a tiara as well ’cause damn it, I’m worth that too! Thanks for being such an inspiration, Jenny. I hope your week gets better!

  145. I’m a new reader of your blog and I can’t wait to read your book! I’m often reading your posts at work and have to keep from laughing hysterically which usually just causes weird noises to come out of me and I’m sure that people think that I have turrets (sp?) or that I’m crazy.

    And I hope your week gets better. I’m too fond of kittens to face their extinction.

  146. I love your posts, they always make me laugh when I am having an I hate the world kind of moment!

  147. I think you’re pretty great! I have a friend with a similar doesn’t-answer-the-phone problem, and her voice mail says, “you have reached *insert name here*” — no I haven’t, if I had reached you I would be talking to you not your voice mail.
    I’ve been here:
    “Victor: I know. I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore. My mind has gone utterly blank.”

  148. I am the queen of hitting “ignore”
    I don’t like to be surprised by phone calls, haha.

  149. My friend and I are having a conversation about Batman collecting children like a psychotic baseball collection. Because neither of us had any idea that there was more than one Robin……

    Also, I want a tea kettle that looks like Hitler. A Kettler. or Hittle. Whichever one sounds awesome.

  150. You’d think he’d be used to you answering your phone by now and just text or email you. That’s what my husband and I do.

  151. I also NEVER answer my phone and my boyfriend, mom, friends, basically everyone hates it! And I agree with Lauren why cant everyone just text! I answer texts…. eventually.
    Thanks for the laughs today!

    Thanks!

  152. A comment about ANYTHING!?… sorry. That is waaaay too much pressure and my poor anxiety riddled body can handle the vastness of anything because anything could be wrong and being wrong makes my panic.
    KITTENS!!!!!… There.. nothing can be wrong about KITTENS.. unless you are allergic. Or they are zombie kittens. TURTLES! I have never heard of anyone being allergic to them.. but I did know someone that lost a tip of their penis… I mean finger… to a snapping one, so thats no good..

    Fuck it.

    ANYTHING!

  153. THIS. This is why I want your book.

    That way people outside of work can give me strange looks when I laugh myself into a seizure.

  156. Last night my roommate asked me to tell her something weird about herself to tell her prospective beau and I couldn’t… because everything that everyone else would find bizarre I find utterly normal… so there you are…

  158. Jenny, this blog is awesome and hit close to home! I have a friend who won’t answer his phone either and so unfortunately, I feel a little bit of Victor’s pain!

  159. I love you Jenny, and I have been wanting to read your book for ages, but I’m broke 🙁 Also I hope your week gets better!

  160. My husband has to read this blog, so then he’ll be less upset with me for not answering my phone only sometimes 🙂

    Also, Neil Gaiman is definitely awesome! But so are you!

  162. I love that these conversations are not only hilarious, but apparently happen quite frequently. I want to marry the two of you, just so I can be around this all day.

    That’s legal, right?

  164. Thank you for being the go to when I need to laugh and feel better about the day.

  165. OMG!!! I can’t even begin to explain why I am in total agreement with you about this being the shittiest week ever! A book would be kinda nice though…. HUGS my dear!

  166. As the person who typically calls the spouse who typically does not answer, I have some pointers for Victor. First, try texting. My husband will totally text me back if I text him, even if it’s immediately after not answering his phone. If you guys find that this doesn’t work, either, then it might just be time to give up on calling. How about training some friendly, yet intelligent domesticated creature to carry messages for you? How well can parrots fly? I ask, because you could also teach them your code words for kidnap/distress!

  167. I was all – I’m going to leave a comment. But then I thought about it and was like – screw that, I have given your book as gifts – its time to wander over to bookpeople and buy it for myself. Because seriously.

    Also, cell phones have totally messed up phone-sense. Blame the future, where we’re living now.

  169. That last one cracks me up, clearly you have completed Victor’s training now and can now avoid conversations on touchy subjects simply by responding promptly. Good work 🙂

  170. Having code words in case of kidnapping/hostage situations is just practical. My husband is about as receptive as Victor, though. He’ll be thanking me when it saves our lives, though. Ours is “cream of wheat,” because I figure that doesn’t come up in everyday conversation but I could somehow work it in. Also, if I say “I’m fine. Just having cream of wheat,” it should be obvious that this means there is a gun to my head.

  171. My husband can completely relate to Victor. As for me, I’d be just dandy going back to the telegram !!
    I don’t have your book (how dreadful of me, I know) and would love to read it, based on this blog post alone.

    And don’t worry about the kitten thing, there are always otters to compensate. Besides, you could be this moose:
    http://gifb.in/uJBV

  172. I’ve been moving for what seems like years and my husband is deploying in 7 weeks. I could really use some laughter these days. Also, I met you briefly at a Nikon party where we were standing in line to meet Carson Kressley and I didn’t know anyone and you were really nice to me. And I thought your hair was amazing. After I came home, I figured out who you were and have been following your adventures ever since. Anyway, thanks for making an exhausted overwhelmed and anxious girl laugh today!

  173. Jenny, adore your wit and incredible perspective. When I have 10 minutes to shove lunch in my face (at the office, of course) and read the news, I get very depressed — both food and news at once. So, I pop on over to your blog and just laugh my ass off! Thank you, thank you! And, LOVE your book…

  174. Ha! Glad I’m not the only one who does this. I hate answering my phone…..so I just don’t do it! It’s great. Hope your week gets better!

  175. I just love you. And Neil Gaiman too. Mostly you, though.

    This week had felt kind of shitty. I hope it’s over soon.

    For all our sakes, especially the kittens.

  176. I think I’m gonna stop answering my phone today, in honor of you! 🙂 Also, if you run out of kittens in your area I think we can all round up the extra ones in our home towns and send them your way!

  177. Thank you. My daughter was getting bored, claiming that her nightmares were getting stale and routine. Now I can tell her about faces getting eaten off by horses. And I can even make some type of night ‘mare’ pun about it. She’ll be thrilled.

  178. Winning a copy of your book would make me feel way less stabby today. And fucking FURIOUSLY HAPPY.

  179. Thanks for making me laugh today, I really needed it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had a “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead” conversation with my husband. I hope you’re week gets better, I’d miss kittens.

  181. This is exactly why I never listen to my voicemails…. People always tell me about how I didn’t answer their calls and I never call them back even though they left me voicemails. But their voicemails are usually really boring or are yelling at me for not picking up the phone. Just once I’d like to listen to a voicemail from a friend with something creative… Like singing their message to me. Can I make that a requirement? “Don’t leave me a message unless you’re singing it. Or offering free kittens.” Because seriously, you can’t go wrong with kittens.

  182. Love this! Want to be more like you 🙂

    I NEED your book! I’m saving it to read when I go to Punta Cana this summer to get married with ALL our closest family members. Now you can see why I NEED your book 🙂

  183. If I win your book I’ll give it to a friend. Or not. One can never have too many Jenny Lawson autographed books. Husband might beg to differ, though.

  184. Horses would never eat off your face, they’re too friendly. Maybe coyotes. Or my dog if he’s really been pushed to his limit. 🙂

  185. You would think Victor would be glad you have a phone at all. Smoke signals would be way more complicated.

  187. Reading your posts always make my horrible days better.

    Also, my friend stole my copy of your book.. so I TOTALLY need another copy that I can keep safely stored in one of those high security museum cases… like the Declaration of Independence…. but better.

  189. All of yours posts make me hysterically laugh. This is the best stuff I’ve read all day.

  191. Sorry you’ve had a craptastic week. Hope you have a weekend that’s filled with sunshine and rainbows and taxidermy animals wearing pink sweaters. ^_^

  192. I’m going to start using these when customers get uppity.

    “Why didn’t you answer your phone.”
    “I was saving orphans from a fire. Hear that siren? That’s the firemen FINALLY getting here after I already got all the kids out. BOOM!”
    “I’ll leave you be.”
    “You bet your sweet self you will.”

    It’s a nice fantasy.

  193. So my ebook copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened just got updated to the new-and-improved paperback version. I started reading the new material, and enjoyed the heck out of it.

    And then I got past that, to the discussion questions.

    I totally, completely lost it at that point. My wife was looking at me like I was insane. I had a sudden image of some high school English teacher trying to teach from this book. Maybe Mr. Foster, who taught AP English my senior year.

    Whoever added those is a comic genius. And I’d bet they don’t even know it.

  194. I seriously love you. And I am so glad I’m not the only one who gets yelled at for not answering my phone. Also, you should totally pick me to win your signed book. That way, I could give the unsigned copy I have to someone who could use a laugh. Or, throw it at someone who is being an asshole. Either one works for me. Or…I could give the signed copy to my mom. Her birthday is coming up and she is a HUGE fan of yours, too. She could put it next to the little Beyonce statue I got her for Mother’s Day last year 🙂 And yes, the card I sent with it said “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” She loved it.

  196. I would LOVE to give a signed copy of your book to my bestie who is currently battling advanced stage four breast cancer. I think that if anyone could use a few laughs, she could! Please pick me! By the way, I met you in Denver and you awesomely posed for a picture with my friends and me…all making angry panda faces. It was so amazingly cool of you.

  197. This may have been my favorite post yet… No wait that was the Knock-knock Motherfucker one! Hope your week gets better! Remember depression lies to us all!

  198. I once knocked myself out with a diving board while trying to impress a life guard I was crushing on. It so didn’t work.
    Random, I know.

  199. I just killed myself laughing! I’m going to show this to my husband so he knows that my lack and phone answering COULD be worse !

  200. Holy cow it’s like the weekly conversation between me and my husband was transcribed. This gives me a few new ideas to work with. I really like the orphans thing. Also, I’m headed to the beach in two weeks, so a free book would be much appreciated.

  201. Please, I know it’s been a shitty week, but I really couldn’t handle it if kittens were extinct! So I’ll hope for a better end to the week than that! And any week that includes your book and Neil Gaiman would just be a better week already!

  202. Now I need to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend on the usefulness of hostage situation code words and fire proof orphans.

  203. I never answer my texts right away! People hate me for it. I just like to think about it before I answer.

    As far a real phone calls, forget it. I have bad phone phobia.

    I hope I win a signed copy of your book! 🙂

  204. I’m the Victor too. We mainly text, and I ONLY call when it’s REALLY important.

    Like when my car alarm broke and wouldn’t stop going off and I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t even think because, hello, CAR ALARM GOING OFF over and over and over and over and over…Thank god for AAA! And no thanks to random old dude who walked up to me AND THE TOW TRUCK DRIVER and was all, “Did you try using your key?” Thanks man! I get that, in your day, girl=knows nothing about cars (untrue in my case) but I have a guy who’s job is cars here!

    Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, people who don’t answer the phone…yeah, I can’t get upset about it anymore because I have too much else going on! I just do shit, and if he gets mad, I say, “I tried to call you!” In the “If you’d answer your phone, you’d have input!” tone of voice!

    And yes, I NEED an actual copy of your book. I have the ebook, but an actual copy…*drools*

  205. Jenny, you are awesome and I hope your week gets better. If not we can all cry together about the kittens.

  206. Now I feel like I need to adopt a kitten just to see if it goes extinct on Saturday.

  207. I answer the phone very seldom. anyone I actually want to talk to prefers texting, making screening very simple.

  208. ring ring…..ring ring…..Ring Ring…..RIng RIng….RINg RINg….RING RING……..

  209. Victor is much more creative in castigating you for not answering your phone then my husband is.
    I envy that.

  210. 40,000+ times? Talk about tilting at windmills. Most of my friends give up after the second time. Persistence doesn’t pay off with me.

  211. I’m afraid of answering the phone. Luckily, my wife knows this, and knows to leave a message, or text me right before she calls.

  212. My husband yells at me for not answering the phone, too. But what if I’m busy reading your blog? I can’t just interrupt that, now, can I?

  213. I’m Canadian. Can I still enter your contest? So many American contests won’t let us play…

  214. you’re hilarious. I snarfed my cereal reading this. Thank you, from my burning nostrils. 🙂

  215. Thanks for your humor. My sister lent me your book. She told me repeatedly how hilarious it is! I read it in no time! Would love to get a signed copy for her to give back vs. the original! She is fighting the monster called breast cancer that has spread through different locations at only 34….. A signed copy to re-read the millionth time (because she has retread the book like crazy laughing) would be a pick me up as she hugs the royal throne and waits at doctor visits! Your wit and humor is so in line with hers… It brings comfort to actually read the book feeling like a part of my sisters joy is near me across all the miles!

  218. people still use phones to call people? with speaking and everything?
    how vintage.

  219. OK, I know you said it was random, Jenny, BUT OMMFGAWD, please pick me (at random). Because it is my fifteenth anniversary. And because I had the following conversation with my husband Kevin four days ago, and the asshat, I mean wonderful man, refuses to see reason!

    Me: It is four days to our 15th anniversary.

    He: I am well aware of that, Baby. Last Saturday, you tried to pick an argument at lunch about the date we were married. I had to take off my wedding ring so you could see the date that you had engraved on the inside of my ring.

    Me: ANYWAY, I need you to give me the traditional present.

    He: Yes, that would be I take you to dinner.

    Me: BULLSHIT! You have to give me a A BIG METAL CHICKEN.

    He: Give it up baby. I am not allowing anything else with sharp edges in this house. You would just fall on the fuckin’ chicken and cut yourself. If anyone else give you a metal chicken, it’s going in your office at school, just like the one Joanna gave you.

    Me: You know nothing, Keven Tucker. Ke$ha Money, the medium metal chicken does not live in my office. She lives in my trunk so I can take her whereever I go. But now you have to give me a BIG metal chicken and we will call her Beyonce Khal Drogo St. Agnes Tennessee Tucker. All husbands must give their wives a Big Metal Chicken for the fifteenth anniversary. IT IS KNOWN. Jenny Lawson, the BLOGGESS says so. if you don’t believe me, look it up. It is on mother-fucking WIKIPEDIA

    He: Yeah, wikipedia. That website that you won’t let your students use. And I don’t know who this Jenny is, but she sounds like trouble.

  220. Lillian can hear my phone ring, but I can’t. So when she’s not near me (you know, pesky work, going potty, things like that), I never know if someone’s calling.

    I’m good with that.

    Kittens will survive, your beautiful face will remain intact, and the shittiness will wander off. Not soon enough, never soon enough, but it has other people to vex and there’s just not enough time to hang about. It will get better. Until then, know you are a national treasure — they should totally remove all of Mount Rushmore and make it Wonderful Jenny (because “Mount Jenny” is just wrong on SO MANY LEVELS) — and you are loved and never as alone as you feel.

  221. I tried calling you to be eligible for the drawing, but you didn’t answer. Hope you’re not suffering a duct tape allergy.

  225. Perhaps Victor should find a more effective form of communication. Like sending you missives by carrier pigeon or better yet, one of those birds of paradise that jump around all brightly colored after cleaning the forest floor of litter. Train one of THOSE to deliver messages in a timely fashion. I know *I’d* be way more likely to respond to someone who talked to me via wacky-colorful bird courier.

    But for now, stay strong. And here’s hoping your week gets better! If it hasn’t, you should go watch the videos on wherethehellismatt.com. Never a day so bad that it can’t be cured by people dancing foolishly together all around the world.

  226. If my husband answered the phone like this I would not be mad. I would however call him 1000 times a day to see if he could continue his creative streak indefinitely.

  227. I’ve spent the day coping on what feels like minus hours of sleep, hanging out with a very new small person who doesn’t really understand the whole idea of hanging out and instead has decided to cover me in assorted small person bodily fluids while screaming. Some of them appear to defy gravity. I’ve not eaten, I’m knackered, and I think I may be in the running for Least Attractive Human In The Known Universe.

    You just gave me my first belly laugh of the whole week. Thank you 🙂

  228. Thanks for the laugh because it was just what I needed for my shitty week.

  229. I think you live in my head and say all the things I am too afraid to say!

  230. I’ve been having an argument with my husband for the past few hours about exactly how much of what goats eat turns into what goats poop. You know, because I want to rent some goats to eat the horrifying weeds in my backyard. My contention: slightly less than 100%, because they have to grow hair and horns and hooves and stuff, and some of what goats eat goes into making that stuff. His contention (verbatim): You would find patches of shit, not patches of hair.

    You said comment about anything. Goats are a thing.

  231. I wonder what it would feel like to have your face chewed off by horses. I mean, I’ve fed goats and llamas out of my hand. And I imagine a horse doing it feels much the same, only bigger. So….if that’s what it feels like, I bet there’s a tickly feeling involved.

  232. Love it. I never answer my phone, and haven’t turned the ringer on in 2 years.

  237. Thanks for admitting when things are shitty. Somehow you do it with humour and grace. I am rather less graceful about it.

  238. My week is the sucks too =( Right now my husband’s phone is broken and a new one is backordered, and I’m in FL and he’s in NC so we can basically only converse via carrier pigeon, but when he gets his phone back I’m totally showing him this so that he knows ours conversations are completely normal. LOL

  239. My husband has similarly threatened to attach my phone to my body. I need to get more creative and respond like this. Maybe I should print off this list and attach it to my ankle with duct tape, so whenever he mentions this unfortunate, genetic predisposition of mine, I can try to get really flexible. Then he’ll be so busy watching me contort in amazing ways that he’ll forget what he was originally complaining about and drift off to a dream of me doing similar contortions on a particular piece of furniture. (I think I’m really onto something here…)

  240. Being on the bestseller list is way better than having your face eaten off by horses.

  241. I started just sending my husband pictures by text so that I don’t have to call him just to say “Hey, I’m on my way!” Bleh. Instead, he gets a picture of the elevator buttons, or the tire of my car, or a blurry picture of the license plate of the car in front of me on the highway… Sometimes, it’s the top of my head with the rest of the picture of the place I’m currently at.

    Or, a picture of my toddler crying because mommy gave her the “too yellow” banana instead of the “just perfect yellow” banana…wth…

    Am I talking to much about me? I do that.

    That’s why I need some perspective and read about someone else…like you…in your book…

  244. Your book was like the best mind-hug I ever got. Please write another one.

  245. Jenny, you’re amazing and I love reading your posts! I’m sorry your week has been shitty – do you want me to come out there and kick this week’s ass? Cause I’ll do it!!!

  247. My husband used to yell at me for not answering my phone. Then I got an iPhone and turned into one of THOSE PEOPLE who have their phones on them allthetime. Not sure which is worse…

  248. If it weren’t for having internet capabilities on my phone I don’t think I would even have a cell phone. I hate answering it because it means talking to people about things and I hate that.

  249. Cool kids don’t answer phone calls. Cool kids text. Victor needs to get with the times.

  250. I already have your book, but I’d like the newer version because I feel like I got punished for having the good sense to buy it while it was brand-spankin new, before you added the extra chapter, thus killing the “early bird gets the worm” theory and enhancing the “second mouse gets the cheese” theory instead.

  251. I’m saddened at your lack of response to my exciting pictures with Beyonce’s father back in January. I really thought you would share in my excitement 🙁

  252. I would love my very own beyonce statute because i already ahve your book that i am sharing with everyone i know and i cant find my own unique beyonce so i need yours. the end.

  253. i do the same thing, i never answer my phone because even though it SAYS it’s my wife,or my mom, it might be the bill collectors in disguise. damn collection agencies are sneaky bastards.

  254. I have the audio book and laugh my @ss off at the gym to it! but would really love a print copy!

  255. Text messages are the socially anxious’s gift from the telephone gods. Answer at thy leisure. Trufax.

  256. I’m about to go read your book again. Because I love you THAT MUCH. And I really NEED a signed copy to show off to people.

    🙂

  257. I may have told you this before, but this seems as good a time as any to repeat it. My husband and I both come from hunting families. I have read the deer cleaning and squirrel portions out loud to my parents and in laws, to their great delight. Another copy of the book would certainly find a loving home!

    That said, I’m in Canada. Don’t know whether that would be a deal breaker.

  258. Why does Victor call so much? Has he not discovered texting? All the husbands of wives who hate phones are doing it these days! 😉

  260. I got your book from my daughter for Mother’s day and I love it! This post is hilarious. I get yelled at by the same daughter because I don’t like to answer my phone either.

  261. You crack me up. Every. Single. Day. My husband still refuses to allow me to get our own Beyonce, which is just ridiculous.

  262. Don’t you know by now that allowing us to leave a random comment about ANYTHING is the recipe for disaster? To illustrate – and to tie into your conversational post, here’s my latest with MY hubby:

    Me: Mark messaged me about the house concert this Saturday. I just gave him the info. I’ll put a message out tomorrow about no flash photography during performances.

    Hubby: are those two things related?

    Me: During “I Will Never Let You Go” he was taking flash pictures and it RUINED my WHOLE LIFE.
    I was seriously looking for a baseball bat.

    Him: Oh… yeah, that’s not good

    Me: The entire video is all flashy and annoying and it is such a PERFECT SONG and he FUCKED IT ALL UP!

    Him: Did you tell him that? using those words?

    Me: No, but God help him if he does it again.

  263. Next time just tell him you are saving him from himself. If you answer your phone he is bound to have a conversation with you that will leave him: a) dumbfounded that there was a stuffed lemur in tap shoes at the estate sale you just visited, b) screaming that said tapping lemur made it home and to your living room, or c) raging over the realization that you bought the lemur from a place with dirt, not carpet, floors.

  264. i don’t remember how I first found your blog, but I have to check in every day now. It makes me feel less peculiar….
    I mean that in the best possible way.
    And you’re right, Neil Gaiman is amazing.

  266. My husband and Victor can complain together, because my husband gets annoyed by me doing that ALL THE TIME. When I finally call him back after realizing I missed five calls he usually says something like, “WHAT DO YOU HAVE A PHONE FOR IF YOU NEVER ANSWER IT!” and then I usually try to cheer him up with my witty retorts, like, “It has a pretty good camera.”

    This always makes my husband sigh in what I am sure is pure bliss for being married to me.

  267. I gotta say, this exchange is way better (& more entertaining) than the one my husband & I used to have when he would call me every day during lunch, and the days that he didn’t, I’d pout for hours and growl at him when he got home instead of getting off my butt and calling him myself.

  268. This happens to me exactly ….exactly the way you have it up there! OMG! We have all switched bodies!

  269. I never, ever answer my phone…and that’s why my voicemail greeting says “hey, it’s me, hang up and text me”.

  270. Omg! You totally make me laugh. I love reading your blog especially the conversations with victor. When I’m having a crappy day you always make me forget 🙂

  271. We are moving this summer and I need an excuse not to pack…hopefully I’ll win your book and can put my feet up and absorb your whimsy!

  272. Thank God I don’t have your phone number. Please never give it to me. I couldn’t handle the stress

  273. I have your book, and polished it off in record time! Would love a signed copy(perhaps with an extra chapter?!?!)

    I ‘heart” you Jenny!!

  274. lol these are the convos I have with my mom ALWAYS. She NEVER answers the damn phone n it drives me nuts! I’m like “what if i was dead?” shes all like, “Well then you wouldn’t be calling” -.-

  276. Pick Me!! I’m getting ready to move from Houston to my home state of Colorado. I’ve been thinking of cancelling my move just because I might accidentally bump into you somewhere and become your lifelong BFF! No, not a stalker, just a huge Jenny fan!

  278. My cell phone is always on vibrate and I seldom have it anywhere near me to feel it. Once I get home I never know where it is (usually it’s in the bottom of my bag). (For instance, my daughter texted me at 8:30 last night — I finally saw it at 10:30 and only because I remembered to put it on the charger.) My boyfriend always calls the house phone, or my work phone, or the car phone because he knows I seldom have the cell nearby, but then he complains about how I might as well have the cell superglued to my hand because I’m “ALWAYS ON IT.” Really? Then why do you call the house/office/car, motherfucker? Why don’t you use the cell number since I’m “always on it”?? Huh? Huh? Huh? That’s when he changes the subject.

  280. I love this.
    I’m sure if I ever answered my phone, the conversations Id have would e nothing like this, but I’m the person who sees someone calling, lets it ring out, and then sends a text asking what’s up.

  281. My mother-in-law could use a session with you. When you answer the phone she’ll say something like “DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?” or “WHERE ARE YOU? I CALLED YOUR CELL PHONE AND YOU DIDN’T ANSWER!?” No hello. No introduction. She just starts in about your communication methods and by the time she gets to the purpose of the you are so irritated that you can barely speak. And then, the kicker “WHY DON”T YOU CALL ME?”.

  282. I never answer my phone either. And I constantly get the, “what if I were dead?” lecture too. To which I respond, “If you were dead, I highly doubt you’d call me.”

  283. Although $15 would definitely help me get my hands on Neil Gaiman’s new book that’s about to come out, I personally would much prefer a signed copy of your book. Then, I could brag about it constantly to everyone I’ve turned onto your blog/book. Neil Gaiman will have my money thrown at him regardless, but an autograph from you? That would have its own shrine.

  284. I am totally on touch with the applied insanity of no phone answering.

  285. Sorry about the shitty week.

    I already have your book, but I’ll definitely gift the extra. The unsigned copy, of course. I’m keeping the signed one. I’m a good friend, but not that good.

  288. Brandon: Well shit, you answered your phone. I had a bet that you were napping instead.

    Joan: I WAS napping, asshole. I only “answered” because I thought I was hitting the snooze button. DICK.

    Brandon: ….so….what’s for dinner?

    Joan: click

  290. Wouldn’t it be easier to just change your answering message every morning to something like “I can’t take your call right now — or perhaps ever — because of the zombie revolution” and then “I am not available for the foreseeable future because I may have eaten something I poisoned in my fridge” or “Please try back next week when I am not consumed with pictures of celebrities and twine”. That should lower Victor’s expectations and make sure that he is on top of your blog and book.

  291. you know, i had the same conversation with my best friend last night when we were talking on Gchat and she informed me she had just called me twice and she knew perfectly well i was there….whatever.

    also, puppies make bad weeks better.

  292. I wish I had something to say that would make your week better. Thinking good thoughts for you, if that helps even the tiniest of tiny bits. {Also being extra vigilant with answering my hubbies calls today.}

  293. I personally think “call me back when you’re less confusing” is appropriate to my life

  295. You crack me up. Every time I read one of your posts at work (which I know I shouldn’t be doing) I am laughing out loud. My coworkers wonder what’s wrong with me.

  296. Jenny, your book was so much fun reading. Wish I could proffer some kind of hilarious commentary but no match to you and Victor. Is that the phone?

  297. This post is amazing! I’m going to try some of these responses on my mother. Don’t think she’ll take it as graciously as Victor but it’s worth a shot 😛

  298. Titties and boobs,
    Boobs and boffers,
    They’re fun! And pillows!
    And they feed our daughters!

    (You said whatever I wanted!)

  299. My dad and my husband are notorious for calling me, but when I can’t answer the phone in time and try calling them back, they never answer the phone?! I don’t know if they are trying to teach me a lesson or have thrown the phone out the window because me not answering the phone ruined their day. But if they are trying to teach me a lesson, it’s an epic fail.

  300. I love your blog, just started reading it a few weeks ago. You’re accounts of daily happenings remind me of my life. ThankS!

  301. You AND Neil Gaimon rock!! (And, so does Amanda Palmer, his wife, whom I believe you should meet, STAT so you can start your BFF-ship, or however you say that.)

  302. I have hearing issues, so I don’t always answer my phone as I can’t hear it. Then my family complains that my ring-tone is too loud….there’s no right answer here folks!

  304. You crack me up! Whenever I’m down, I look to your posts to bring me back up! Thank you!

  305. thank you for the ab workout. As you may’ve suspected, the week will probably get better…. next weekish.

    🙂 as many others have said, money, book, something by Neil, can’t I just have all of the above?

  307. I doubt horses would want to eat your face because they are such gentle creatures, but… it’s your shitty week and not mine, so who am I to judge? Love you Jenny!

  308. I could not love this blog more if I tried… It is so absolutely random and reminds me of myself (more or less). I would totally love to have a signed copy of your book! I’ve turned like a bajillion people on (yeah, that’s like, a shit ton of people, and I didn’t turn them on, like turn them ON, but I guess it’s possible that I did because I am kind of awesome. It’s a gift. Where was I? Oh.) So I turned like a bajillion people on to your blog and I will forcibly make everyone of them read the things I think are funny (which is like all of them, except the ones that aren’t), and then they all love it too! Except for my husband Julian, he’s my Victor. Poor sap just fails to see the humor! KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER! SEND ME YOUR BOOK! <3

  309. Yup, female Victor here. My husband even went as far as to ignore me for a couple of months every time I asked for his new cell phone number. Now that I FINALLY have it, he went back to ignoring my calls, just like he did on his old phone, sigh. Sooooo annoying…

  310. I never answer my phone either; most of the time just because I hate talking on the phone but sometimes because I am actually BUSY doing something. It annoys the hell out of me that he gets all pissy about it. Hope your week gets better!

  312. I used to have these same conversations with my (then) husband. I wish I’d had the wit to make similar smart and sarcastic replies. Thanks for being a good example!

  313. I am so glad I am not the only one who doesn’t answer my phone…and whose husband doesn’t understand. Freakin phones!

  314. Thank you for this post. My “Victor”(s) ask this all the time. I really just hate talking on the phone and only have it in case I’m in a wreck and need to call a tow truck.

  315. Seriously, your entries make me smile. 🙂 Thanks for that.

    I seriously, seriously hope your week gets better. With that in mind, I’m keeping you and yours in my thoughts AND prayers, because any sort of good karma is good, right?

  316. I’m still pissed at myself for loaning your book to someone who no longer speaks to me.

    Speaking of Neil Gaiman, I just bought tix to see him when he’s signing in Miami in June! I win!

  317. I’m always yelling at my mom to answer the phone when I text her. Once, I literally texted her until she answered. Fifty texts later, she texted me back to tell me that she couldn’t stop laughing at me.

    …And like 90% of the time, I don’t answer my phone because I either assume I’m being buttdialed or I really just don’t want to talk on the phone.

  318. i hope you know you’re amazeballs. i don’t answer my phone either… and if you leave me a VM i *will* delete it. but i have anxiety issues surrounding phone calls, so it makes sense (except it doesn’t).

  319. You and my husband would make quite a pair. He too, fails to answer his phone. every.time.I.call. I seriously want to smash his face in when I get voicemail over and over and over. I have really important shit to discuss with him, like what my new haircut looks like and the beautiful piece of artwork our daughter created at school that day. I mean seriously, a fucking ghost made from her footprint? Amazing. But he doesn’t get to know about these little tid bits because he won’t answer the damn phone! I suspect he’s screening me.

  321. I agree Neil Gaiman is amazing, but I’d rather have your book please.

  322. My husband reads everything you write and spends most of his time shaking his head and saying “Oh, Victor. Poor Victor.” Should we move to Texas, he will probably try to become friends with Victor. There is company in insanity, I think.

  323. You’re so adorable! And ridiculously funny…I haven’t read your book yet but it’s on my wishlist and I can’t wait to get my grubby paws on it so I can laugh until I start crying

  324. I just lugged your book from Oregon to Croatia and left it with my friend there. Now she leaves me voice msgs of her just laughing manically – it’s so awesome. I want to spread more Lawsbianism wherever I go!

  326. This is kinda like the texts I send to my husband. He only answers if it’s a question he deems important. For example, threatening to drink the contents of my 12 bottle wine fridge earned no response. Saying I hate one of our dogs got a response. I don’t get it either. For the record, I love our dogs except when I’m stressed about something else and the dogs are barking their heads off because they heard something that sounded like the key going into the front door lock. 🙂

  328. Congrats on being as awesome as we all know you are :). I would love to win the book so I could read it a third time and annoy my husband by belly laughing while he tries to watch CNN. On a side note I always get annoyed when people don’t answer The phone when I call, however, I rarely answer my own phone because I fancy being ironic.

    Amy*

  329. My husband yells at me all the time for not answering my phone, as well. Thank you for the tips. I’ll let you know how they work for me…

  330. You obviously are the long-lost twin of one of my sons, because NONE of them ever answer their phones, although it would be unusual to have given birth to a twin I didn’t notice.

  331. Huh. I’m making the Hubs read this post so he knows he’s not alone in his anguish/anger at my phone inattention. Ha.

    Also, I’m totally going to start answering with a mumble. Excellent.

    Of COURSE your book is still on the bestseller list: it’s wonderful! I hope your day/week/month/etc gets better starting today.

  334. I love when you post conversations between you and Victor. They always make me smile!

  335. Hope things get a little less shitty for you! I loved your book, I laughed, I cried, I was generally a big mess!!!

  336. I reeeeeaaaalllly needed these giggles today. Thank you very much.

  337. Phone calls are for suckas. And extroverts. I am neither. Talk to me on Facebook like a normal person, people.

  340. I’ve read bits of your book and blog to everyone I know. My nephew now wants geese or some other kind of poultry just so they’ll follow him to school. And then he can say goose poop without getting in trouble.

  341. I’m always yelling at my husband for not answering his phone. I guess I should get used to it.

  343. Your amazing sense of humor, sarcasm and love of cats have made life a little easier for a lot of people. You’ve also helped me expand my own personal vocabulary with my frequent use of douchecanoe. THANK YOU. You fucking earned that best-seller’s list.

  344. Email exchange between me and my hubs…

    Me: My head is going to explode from boredom. Seriously. Be worried. I will probably be driving home with no head. Not to mention it will totally scare Elizabeth if I pick her up without a head. Of course, she might not even recognize me. For that matter, the teachers might not recognize me and so I probably won’t be able to take Elizabeth out of school. And there’s no real way to communicate to them that I’m her mother because I won’t be able to speak. I could write a message, but who’s going to help out a headless person by giving them a pen and piece of paper??? They’ll probably think I’m trying to kill them when really, all I want is a pen and paper! Then they’ll call the cops and you’ll have to bail me out of jail. That, of course, is if I can convince the cops to give me something to write with so I can explain the situation to them and to give them your phone #. Great! So my boredom is going to doom me to being a headless jailbird for the rest of my life! Awesome. What a mess…
    Damn. It happened.

    Him: Wow….all I can say is wow…..

    This is my random comment! 😉

  345. I’m not speaking to my best friend because she saw you in New York at your book signing and sat in the front row and texted me a photo of it. But she was too chicken to come up and talk to you and get her book signed. So please pick me so I can taunt her with how much cooler I am than her because I have your book. Signed. And I’m not a motherfucking chicken. Thank you.

  346. We use Google Voice for our home number. It rings both our cellphones. When I answer it, my wife chides me for picking up when it is most likely for her. (Nobody calls me. *sniff*) When I don’t answer it, I’m asked why I didn’t pick up. Can’t win either way.

  347. I have a friend who is terrified of fish. All fish. even goldfish. She just bought a house that has a fish pond, already stocked with SEVEN koi. Her children’s dr. has a HUGE aquariam in the lobby.

    None of this is relevant to anything. But I think it’s funny. I don’t tell her that. I tell her that I’ll save her if the fish suddenly gain the ability to breathe air and plan an attack. I figure that’s more what a good friend should do. 🙂

    again, not relevant.

  348. Why can’t people understand how much it sucks to talk on the phone? I always tell everyone, “I never answer my phone. Just text me. It will make all of our lives easier.”

    But do they ever listen? No, they call, and bitch about why don’t I answer my phone. *sigh*

  349. How much money you think I could get from selling the signed copy of your book if I won?

  350. Ur book is by far the most funniest thing I have ever read! And i have read maybe not TONS of books but I have read a other books before!

  351. HA… Sounds like my husband. Really truth is am a mess and he probably has reason to worry but still don’t yell…. OH and I would love a copy of your book

  352. At least Victor only threatened to duct tape your phone to your ankle. My husband threatened to duct tape mine to my ass! So see, it could be worse!

  353. I am still on my quest for a 6ft tall rooster and think of you all the time when I see the baby ones. 🙂

  354. I would love a copy of your book. I loaned the copy I bought out to a friend who absolutely adores you, and I can’t bring myself to ask for it back because it makes her so happy. At this point I’m considering it a present that she doesn’t know she got presented with, and one day when she remembers about it, and feels awful and tries to return it, I can be all, “Ta da! It was yours all along!” So, replacement copy would be awesome. Although it is awfully hard to turn down Neil Gaiman. Meeting him is on my list of things to do.

  356. What if I use the $15 to buy your book for someone else? You know…pass on the insanity.

  357. I love your book! I was reading it a few months ago ( mostly on the train) and could not stop laughing. Yeah, I was one those people who laughs on the train and you want to avoid eye contact with.

  359. My Grandfather died this morning. I just found out he had spinal cancer last week, it went that fast. But knowing about it all week has made an amazing thing happen – I’ve actually had the ringer of my phone on. I almost never do this. For Reasons. So, I can totally empathize with you. Phones can be scary and having to keep it on because you’re waiting on depressing news doesn’t entirely help that. And I’m sorry this is really kind of a depressing comment. I’ve known he died since about seven this morning but it all caught up to me about an hour ago and I cried in my girlfriend’s arms for an hour while trying to figure out our plans. The last straw was realizing I was likely going to have to mega disappoint my daughter because of plans we already had made and it seems a simple things and Life Happens but it is frustrating and it was one emotion too many. Now I’m tired and emotionally raw and apparently that makes me babble uncontrollably when what I really wanted to say was that while I totally understand how frustrating it has to be for Victor, I definitely grok that phones are scary and are good to be avoided sometimes. Or a lot of times.

  360. I think we lead parallel phone lives. My bf and my mom are always bitching me out over this. And I have yet to train my brother (who is in school in Hawaii – boo hoo, right?) not to call at 3:00 AM EST. That, and it is really annoying to actually answer the brother’s call out of a dead sleep and then have to switch over call waiting to talk to the bf. I think that’s really why I don’t answer my phone. Text me.

  361. A few years ago I had a job with a local arts festival that involved, in part, running around town doing errands for the boss. While I was out on the street I never heard my phone ringing because of all the other noises. The boss was not amused by this, and very strongly suggested I fix the problem.

    My first attempt at a fix was to set up a headphone with hands-free answer, so that the phone would automatically answer itself when the boss called. The problem with that, however, was that the phone never actually rang. My boss would call, get immediately connected, and probably hear lots of background noise, my breathing, and belching. She would respond to this situation by screaming, “HELLO! HELLLLOOOOOO!” This, of course, would inevitably scare the crap out of me, causing me to respond with something graceful like, “AAAAUGHHHH! THE FUCK?? …oh. Oh. Um, hi?”

    For some reason, as cool as the job was, the boss and I never really seemed to get along well after that.

  362. That’s so funny. I was half-expecting Victor to just hang up on you when you finally answered. I mean, it wouldn’t be all that strange for him to have such a reaction.

  364. It took me 2 months to figure out how to get the “ring for phone calls only and not make noises for every other damn thing” setting on my iPhone figured out. Blissful 2 months. It was wonderful to blame technology.

  365. While I’m a worry wart I have nothing on Victor. His next move may be to have you chipped. ;D
    Would love a signed copy of your book so I can forever have a reminder of deer sweaters!

  366. That was good! Your book is great and I can only hope you have a better week, next week! Take care

  368. I find I answer my phone a heck of a lot faster when it has a super obnoxious and loud ringer. Of course, that means I have to be awfully vigilant about shutting it off in places like libraries. I may not have done that last time, so I’ll need a copy of your book to read at home.

  369. You know how when you miss a call by half a millisecond, call back and there’s no answer? WTH. Did that person burst into flames as soon as they hung up?

  371. I’m sorry about your week. For solidarity purposes I will share with you what I have learned this week:
    1. When they call the appointment to get your IUD inserted a “placement” appoitment it does not underscore the intense uterine upheaval that you will be a part of.
    2. Ant eggs discovered in the grounds of your coffee AFTER you drank the coffee is a very bad way to start the week.
    3. When the branch of a large oak falls off the tree and tags the corner of your house, it is not a sign of good luck.
    4. It is only Thursday.

  372. I switched to an an eReader about two years ago. The only non-electronic books I still have were written by you and Neil Gaiman, because you are both awesome.

  373. That’s the relationship I have with my cell phone. I thought it was just a small google searcher. But talk about sucky weeks- I had to put down my cat of 14 years in front of my 8 year old twins. This after my daughter was sick all fucking week.

  374. Oh god, this made me laugh so hard tears ran down my leg!

    (Totally stolen, but can’t remember who to attribute it to. Don’t be mad at me, I’m bad with names. And bad at not walking into things. Slammed my toe into something yesterday and wandered around for half an hour before I noticed the blood trail. And last week the garage door bit me.)

  375. I made a toaster pastry for snacking on during my drive to work. I left said toaster pastry on the counter because I don’t usually have a toaster pastry in the morning and the shift in my routine threw me off and I forgot it. I was concerned my kittens would eat it, or try to eat it, hate it and throw it on the floor, getting icing all over he floor. They didn’t even touch it! My boyfriend came home and found it whole. I don’t know if that says something good for the kittens or bad for the toaster pastry.

  376. This is like every phone conversation with my husband and I, which usually starts off with him asking “Did you listen to my voicemail?” to which the answer is always NO because voicemails are evil. After 10 years, you would think he would ahve learned to stop leaving them, or at least stop asking me if I listened to it.

  377. And this is one that I should forward to my husband (I won’t, because he also reads your blog and will find it on his own), because he will completely empathize with Victor. I, of course, cannot answer my phone. I don’t have the charger, so it is whimpering for food or sleeping the sleep of the wicked and just.

  378. Tornadoes Too CloseToYourHouseGiveYouTheJitters…….And Make New Storms Scary

  379. My husband won’t even learn the code to pick up messages, never mind answering the phone. Sigh.

  380. Last night my daughter asked me if the caterpillar we caught was going to turn into a monkey by this morning. She’s 3.

    Last night my 5 year old let the neighbor know she knows the words to the song “Thrift Store” by yelling “Hey Chris… guess what?… I wear my granddads clothes, I look incredible” out our front window!
    Yes, this is my life. Everyday!

    p.s. That is me following the direction to write about anything.

  381. I don’t even understand why we’re still talking into phones to communicate. We have text messages and email now, which are far superior to making talky-noises through a crappy microphone so someone else can listen through a crappy speaker.

    (My friends have mostly given up on getting me to answer my phone. It’s better that way.)

  382. Already have the book! Would love your signature, though. I’ll donate my copy to the orphans. Kittens. The orphaned kittens.

  383. I think your hubby and my hubby have a lot in common with this whole “answer the phones” thing. How in the hell did we possibly survive before cell phones….? Neil Gaiman is AMAZING!

  384. I often think of onions. Especially in the springtime.

    You said I could comment about anything.

  385. Number 40,0000th? Is that an actual ordinal number?? Really??? Man, this new math gets me every time. *sigh*

  386. I’m definitely in your husbands shoes on this one. My hubby hardly ever answers his phone. It drives me crazy. Thanks for this laugh. I will definitely share this with him…

  387. I am sending this to my husband right now. btw, I still laugh out loud whenever I listen to your audio book. Would love an autographed hard copy though 😉

  388. trying to determine if your stories are real or totally off the wall made up!

  390. BTW, I already have your book but if I win the signed copy I’ll keep that one and give the other copy away. Except that was a Father’s Day present from last year, so I really shouldn’t give it away. Maybe I can give the unsigned one away and pretend the signed one IS the same book. “I don’t know how Jenny signed it. I think she snuck in at night just to ninja-sogn this copy. Now *that’s* dedication!”

  391. Did you know that chickens only have one functioning ovary? They also don’t have belly buttons. True story.