No one knows how to spell “cantaloupe.”

This post doesn’t have anything to do with the title.  It’s not even a real post.  It’s just an update to tell you that my friend Maile drove me to have my surgery tubes removed today, and then my doctor forced her to pin me to the table so that I wouldn’t punch him when he yanked the tubes out of my stomach.  And Maile looked at both of us for a second to see if he was joking and he super wasn’t, so she shrugged and totally pinned me to the table.  This is the sign of a good friend.  Or a terrible one.  Maybe both.

Then the doctor unstitched me and yanked, and it felt like if you’d accidentally gotten a jump-rope wrapped around your liver.  Or like if I was a one of those dolls that talks when you pull the string on her back.  And the thing that I said was: “Ughaaah.”  Which equates to “So now I know what a yo-yo feels like and also why people want to punch you.”

Also, there was butthole art all over the wall from Debra Messing, and there was also an art display of healthy versus unhealthy assholes.  (The literal ones.  Not the figurative ones.)  But it sort of made sense because my doctor just borrows the office from the rectal surgeon who works there.  I didn’t even notice the assholes until we were leaving and Maile thought that was weird, but I think it was weirder that she was so eager to pin me to the table as someone practiced battlefield style, bite-down-on-this-bullet sort of medicine on me.

Then my doctor started talking about catacombs and corpses and he closed by telling us that he would probably die soon but he felt blessed about it because we were all doomed and that the end times were possibly near.  He said it very cheerfully though.  The man has a hell of a bedside manner.  As we were driving home Maile said, “This shit could only happen to you.  It’s like you manifested the exact kind of crazy, fantastic doctor to fit your life.  I would never believe it if I weren’t there.”  And, yes, that’s sort of how my whole life goes.

PS.  I took a picture of the butt-hole art and I wanted to link to the artist, but when you google “Debra Messing Butthole” you really don’t get what you think you’re going to get.  Or you get exactly what you think you’re going to get if you’re interested in pictures of Debra Messing’s butthole.  Which I wasn’t, but I understand why google would be confused.  This time it’s on me, Google.  I asked for too much.

These buttheads lack awareness of the concept of "personal space".

265 replies. read them below or add one

  1. jenny! it’s my twenty-second birthday tomorrow, and i just wanted you to know that you are one of the main reasons my twin sister and i are making it through nursing school! thank you for always making us laugh : )

  2. 2
    elaine kurpiel

    They look more like the tips of a circumcised penis.

  3. I’m thinking you need a miniature person with tubes coming out of them in your haunted dollhouse…

  4. It’s good to know that there are friends out there who will do things like pin their best friends to the table. For a minute, I was scared she DIDN’T do it and I’m the only one who would do that sort of thing…

    Sarah B. recently posted Homemade History - How I Did It.

  5. Did you notice that all the Butt-heads were men? And I seriously hope none of them were eating beans.

  6. Oh, dear. I’m having an English teacher moment. Those aren’t butt holes. There are no holes showing. Those are ass cheeks, and the pun is, of course, butt heads. Not holes.

    Just thought I’d point that out.

    Sorry.

    (I think the holes were implied. Art is so subjective. ~ Jenny)

  7. You lead such an interesting life

  8. That’s not Debra Messing as in “Debra Messing” of Will & Grace fame, right??

    Right?????

  9. Debra’s parents must be happy they paid for art school. Imagine the fridge art.

  10. This is the post that finally qualifies you as slightly strange. I say as my husband farts on my kids and fights for the last Popsicle.

  11. 11
    John Brown

    I can see why her painting skills never come up when she is on a talk show.
    “You paint…..uh…uh……Well, that’s all the time we have!”

  12. the spelling of cantaloupe drives me crazy. I’m from Pecos Tx where the best cantaloupes in the world are grown and I still spell it wrong half the time

  13. Why is there only one non-white butt in this picture? Is Debra Messing racist? Or is she all, “I don’t see color, I just see butts”?

    Frankie Lawson recently posted Going Down Memory Lane (via Facebook).

  14. Holy shite that is some funny stuff. It is good to have friends. In regards to the art…just wow….

  15. Holy crap, I’ve been there with the drains. My plastic surgeon called me and said, “You know those pain pills I gave you? Yeah, take two of them before you come.” I wish I’d had a good friend to pin me down because I nearly did a flying leap from a prone position off that table and clonked him over the head with the nearest object I could reach, which happened to be a binder full of before and after photos of breast implant jobs. He gave me fair warning, so I abstained from whacking him…but boy did I yowl and possibly say a few swear words. He was a very nice doctor and very sympathetic and he gave me lots of happy pills.

    Your doctor sounds like a right gem!

  16. I’m so glad you took a pic of that because I was trying to come up with some images and I was way off the mark.

    PS Glad you’re on the mend!! :-)

    Alicea recently posted An opening of the eyes.

  17. Oh my gawd, it’s bums wearing ties… BUMS WEARING TIES!

    That is so wrong… and I worked in an office like that once. Well except for the ties…

    brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted All Fired Up: Pat Benatar Live....

  18. I once had drainy tubes removed from my tummy. I can only think that it was exactly how the people in the Alien movies felt right as the creature was eating its way out from their abdomens. EXCEPT I DIDN’T GET TO KEEP A COOL ALIEN BABY TO RAISE AS MY MINION. Nay!!! I got 2 weird scars that are only hidden by pubes.

    Jerks.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted And the BAM! She comes out of hiding like a ninja!.

  19. The artwork is hilarious! Though I don’t think I plan on trying to google the artist… that sounds terrifying!

    I hope you get better soon. I’d say I feel your pain, but my own gall bladder surgery was surprisingly uncomplicated (I say surprisingly because I was one smart cookie who was drinking the night before surgery, and then got bumped in early by ~8 hours…).

    Laureen recently posted Witch Wraith by Terry Brooks.

  20. Pinning you down so you don’t punch the doctor seems more like something the doctor’s true friend would do.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted New Filibuster Rules for the Texas State Senate.

  21. 21
    JD @ Honest Mom

    Wait. What? Debra Messing? Like Will and Grace Debra Messing? Now she paints buttheads instead of acting? Huh. Who knew.

    JD @ Honest Mom recently posted Summer Reading and $125 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway!.

  22. Oh, its a family picture of the episode, “How to eat with your Butt”, of South Park where Mr. and Mrs. Thompson were looking for their lost son and it turns out to be Ben Afflack. The Thompson’s have butts for faces just like in this picture.

  23. Thanks for the photo, because I was REALLY picturing something else there. WHEW…

    Friends who are willing to hold you down are the BEST. I have at least one of those.
    Glad you are doing better.
    Feel well or fake it, life happens anyway.

    Tammy recently posted Job Applications.

  24. Did you try doing a reverse image search on Google with the picture? You might be able to find out more that way.

    But I’m glad you finally got your tubes out and are on the way to being nice and healthy :)

    Nicole @ Nicole's Life Adventures recently posted New Month, New Posts.

  25. I just tried googling “debra messing butthole ART” for you. Google just led me back here.

    (I’ve created a wormhole. ~ Jenny)

  26. Oh, wow.

    Nothing like having tubes removed from your body. Youch!

    I had to have tubes and splints removed from my nose after my septum surgery (that was glorious, got two blacks eyes and dry throat of death) ANYWAY, I popped a couple Vicodin before hand and it was all good. Per doctors orders, mind you. lol The tubes were worse than the splints being removed, probably because they were all up in my face to drain blood and gunk. Yeah, there was no real point in that story… just commiseration!

  27. My doctors all have generic landscapes or nondescript abstract art pieces. That is very specific. Also I am not singing a “Butts”, that’s mainly in me though (also I was singing it earlier cuz of a picture someone posted in FB, lost of ass related media for me today)

    Also you are not the only one who has weird encounters with your doctors. Although mine have never involved the rapture.

  28. I think if my conversations at the doctor went like that, I may be inclined to go BEFORE I’m about to keel over or when I’ve gotten three guilt inducing letters in row about missing my annual….. he sounds amazing. A walking lawsuit, but amazing.

  29. I’m dying over here. DYING. But, I know you get that all the time :)

    Ashley Austrew recently posted Committed.

  30. I so feel for you. Lots of gentle, virtual hugs going your way.

    You totally flashed me back to when the doc did the same to me, in the hospital after gall bladder surgery. Afterwards the comment, “I think there’s a bit of liver stuck on this one.” That’s when I almost punched *him*.

  31. The post and the comments have me switching between giggling and cringing.
    It bothers me that the butt art is framed so oddly. No respect for fine art.

  32. Those aren’t even attractive buttholes. Although they are nicely dressed.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Hypothetical Question Time.

  33. 34
    LibraryGirl62

    Looks like cover art for “The Day My Butt Went Psycho” Series. Kid books by Andy Griffiths…The Butts take over where the heads go and try to take over the world because they are sick of being stuck in the pants. SO HYSTERICAL!!!!!

  34. 35
    Terri in SF

    I was the one who had to pin my friend down when some drains were pulled out of her. She was made at me for a couple of days right after, which I thought was very unfair. Although, she was such a mean spirited patient while I took care of her, I won’t lie that there was a bit of cheeriness in my demeanor while I was pinning her. Guess that’s on me. At any rate, I hope getting the drains out will speed your full recovery so that you’ll have the strength to write the rest of the story. Also – that doctor and that art are first class weird. xoxo

  35. I have been watching a ton of ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’ on the Amazon lately, and this reminds me of something that would happen at a doctor’s office in The Other Realm. This probably doesn’t make much sense because it is very likely that I am the only one watching that show obsessively right now. (Like, I am on season 7 and I just started watching 3 weeks ago.) Hope you are healing well!

    Punky Coletta recently posted In a troubling world, it helps to focus on the positive things that exist. Like Corbin Bernsen’s snow globe collection and red paperclips..

  36. If I do a search for “Debra Messing butt head art”, the first link is to your blog. If I do it as an image search, the first picture is of MTV’s Beavis and Butthead. Maybe this artwork was a custom job?

    Courtney recently posted Supernatural.

  37. Is it wrong that now I wish that my doctor’s office (if I still had a doctor) had artwork like that on the walls? Would make the waiting room far more entertaining.

    Pyre recently posted Orange d20 single earring by PyresRPGear.

  38. After I had my gallbladder surgery and they yanked the tubes out I told people I now know what William Wallace felt like at the end of Braveheart. Worst feeling ever.

  39. I’m kind of sad my doctor doesn’t have any butt art on his walls, hole or otherwise. Although to be sure he’s only there temporarily. Maybe I can give him some as a welcome to your new office gift. “Hey, nice new office! Have some sharp dressed ass.”

    Adrasteia recently posted It is neither Friday nor October, but I love these Halloweenesque pieces.

  40. I feel your pain. I also had tubes in my stomach after surgery at 14. They sent some young resident to just snip the stitch and yank it out on my last day in the hospital. No pains mess or announcement. Nothing! I definitely yelped and screamed “What are you doing?” Let me tell you that you will never forget that feeling and it gives me shivers and a throat gag when I think about it. So thanks for the trip down memory lane.

  41. There is some pretty freaking artwork.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Are airlines liable for terrorism?.

  42. I wish my butthole looked that artsy.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Up With The Sun & Overexposed.

  43. I’m not sure I’d let that doctor touch the inside of my body.

    I mean, what if he gets raptured right in the middle of surgery? Worse still, what if he doesn’t?

    According2Robyn recently posted Golden Age Superman Is a Colossal Dick.

  44. I wonder what motivates someone to paint butts for a living. Are those pictures in Debra Messing’s art portfolio? Have her paintings ever gotten her other jobs? Do they hang in her living room? Do people commission her to paint their butts? Who buys butt paintings besides proctologists? These are the questions, Jenny, these are the questions.

    Also, you inspired me google “gallbladder care” so that I hopefully never have to experience tubes in my stomach. You’re like the poster child for a health initiative with almost zero awareness. I should know, because my best friend is a health educator. I’m pretty sure that qualifies me to make that assertion. Thank you for your sacrifice.

    Tabitha recently posted Emergency Temporal Shift...of the creative variety..

  45. Sorry to be anal about this (and sorry about that term too, given the theme) but in order to picture this properly, I need to know exactly how Maile went about pinning you down. It could be useful information. From behind, hands on your shoulders? Or dramatically with her upper body across your chest, holding on to the table? These details are important, you know.

    TravelSkite recently posted Vive not just la France.

  46. Wow, I never knew about the post-gall-bladder drain-pulling requirement. I am very glad my own gall bladder episode ended with my gb deciding to behave itself. My husband would hold me down but neither of us would like it.

    kmkat recently posted Ten on Tuesday, the beat the heat edition..

  47. Some people have very boring uneventful lives….
    Jenny is not one of them.
    Glad you choose to enjoy it, and laugh about it, and take us along for the ride.

    CrissyMoss recently posted Poster?.

  48. I have been to that cocktail party. It stank.

    It’s a crime to stuff custom-sized art into a standard frame.

    I am grateful you are tube-free and able to write about it.

  49. 50
    Deborah Warner

    My first thought was they look like ass faces ( lol)
    I’m glad you got those bothersome tubes out and are on the mend. :-)

  50. I am baffled as to why Grace would do paintings of people with butts for heads. Also, I am apparently missing out on this “good friends” thing. Maybe because I am one of those figurative assholes you referred to.

    mia recently posted Fourth of July.

  51. I don’t understand why Debra Messing is involved in butthead art. But I hope you are feeling better!

    Brenna recently posted YO!.

  52. When I was having my vasectomy, it felt like the doctor was tugging on something attached to my stomach. I asked him if it was supposed to hurt way up into my abdomen. He said, “Yes,” and I told him, “Well good then, because it does.”

  53. 54
    Michelle F

    I thought the angel cats in Heaven paintings at the vet were weird…

  54. 55
    Cindy DuBois

    Doesn’t that doctor have a nurse or somebody on his side? My friends would run for the door with a request like that.

  55. Your life. There are no words.

    Patti B recently posted This is not a real post (okay maybe it is).

  56. OH MY GOD. butthole art? that’s so…………….creative? awkward? buttshit crazy? yes, yes, and yes. I never would have believed it had I not seen the photo. I agree with maile. this could only happen to you.

    monica recently posted Our first child graduated! The job prospects don't look too good, and peeing or pooping on the floor is still a possibility. But no one ever said parenting was easy, right?.

  57. I guess you have to have a sense of humor to be a rectal surgeon. Like the proctologist in the “Seinfeld” episode who had the vanity plate “Assman” that mistakenly went to Kramer. I did see a vanity plate that said “PPdoc” once. But this is just weird. On many levels.

    TexasTrailerParkTrash recently posted Phooling around with Smartphones.

  58. awww, I think they look like peaches. Soft, fuzzy peaches.

  59. When I had my tubes removed after my mastectomy I felt like a whole new woman! I wish the same for you, but I dont want you to be too new, if you know what I mean. Keep on keeping on.

    Terri recently posted Careful What You Wish For!.

  60. 61
    Melissa Oquendo

    Yes, getting those tubes yanked out it one of the worst pains ever. I’ve birthed two babies all-naturally, and would rather do that about 100 times than get that awful tube ripped out again. My surgeon, however, was surprised at how much it hurt. I’d just had my colon removed, so in his mind I was somehow immune to the more trivial pain of getting about 6 feet of tube yanked out of my stomach. He just counted to three, and tore it out while I screamed, and my husband looked on, horrified to see just how much tubing had previously been inside of me. He said I sounded like a dying animal. I do not relish the memory!

  61. I had packing put into a wound (a cyst) and the doctor told me “oh, just pull it out on your own in the shower”. I have a high pain tolerance but I almost passed out when I did it – I didn’t feel pain, I just fell over.

    DOCTORS ARE WEIRD.

  62. This makes me totally crazy, but I HAD to know. I think it’s a different Debra Messing. I looked up pictures of actress Debra Messing’s signature, and the writing looks different. As an explanation, wondering why the actress would have painted that would have kept me up tonight, and I’m tired enough as it is!

  63. 64
    Holly (a.k.a. Adore Prince)

    On drugs/not on drugs, tubes/no tubes – Nothing can stop you from making me smile/laugh. Thanks.

  64. I feel so completely stupid for collecting impressionist oil paintings of street scenes, now, when I could have, all this time, been collecting rectal art. What a fucking waste of my time and resources. Damn it.

    I’m just getting out of the hospital with my mother, who biffed on the asphalt, and got herself a new shoulder in the deal. I kid you fucking not, more than once (when they were initially seeing if they could just re-set it), if they had a “bite plate”. My mother asked for a leather fucking strap to bite on…because, apparently, she thinks she’s Laura Ingalls Wilder.

    Anyhoo…I’m so glad that the ports are out, and you’re doing better, and I’m sorry that you’re gallbladder was the gall-est gall bladder of all time. What a dick.

    Megly Mc recently posted Yeah…So That Happened..

  65. I’m glad you snapped a picture of the art because I was picturing something completely different!

    Amanda R. recently posted Avocado Green Poop. Yes, That’s the Title..

  66. When I had knee surgery, I had a tube coming out of my knee, and my husband was thrilled to be the one to hold me down while the doctor yanked it out. Imagine his glee, a few weeks later, when the doctor had to stick the world’s longest needle in my knee to extract excess fluid, and husband got to get in the act there, too.

    I’ve never had the pleasure of viewing butthole art, but I did see a doctor once who had a nipple on his wall. He was a neurologist, so this totally made no sense, or maybe it was just the brain injury confusing things as it usually does. http://weirdenough.com/2007/02/wall-nipple/

    Barbara recently posted Does anyone speak English there?.

  67. That’s a special kind of doctor right there, with a certain mental acuity. Or perhaps just powers of observation. In a way, it’s disappointing; how often does one REALLY get a chance to punch a doctor, anyway?

    Also, why would they not administer some sort of pain mitigation for a procedure like that? Holy crap.

    Jen recently posted Yes, Virginia. I will share more funny things we've said..

  68. We never get what we hope to find googling Debra Messing asshole. Wait, that came out wrong. Is it her art or what we assume Grace Addler would have picked for said office?

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted WeCation.

  69. PS, hope you are better soon. Sooner than later.

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted WeCation.

  70. I am assuming…hahaha…that the art is to take your mind of the fact that you want to punch the doctor in the head while he is removing your tubes. Right?

    The Redneck Princess recently posted The Universe is trying my patience….

  71. What on earth is going on with that artwork? If you’re there in that office, you probably don’t want to be thinking about your butt, right?

    Nicky recently posted May I see you in the afterlife so I can kick your ass..

  72. 73
    Kathryn Marvin

    Ironically, we had a sample at work today labelled “Melon” and its subsample name was, “Canolope.”

  73. Love me some Dr’s, and your comment about person space reminds me how much I hate personal space invaders.

    http://worstrefeverstuff.blogspot.com/2012/01/personal-space-invaders.html

    Smokeynall recently posted AND I WILL CALL HIM FRANKENCHESTY!!!!.

  74. I have to tell you that it takes a good friend ( or really a jealous one) to perform that act :)
    PS honestly, I thought those were giant penises instead of butts…but what do I know :)

    My twice baked potato recently posted We Found THE One!.

  75. This bizarre combination of things could only happen to you Jenny. As for Elaine’s comment on the picture, wow she’s right, it’s like the picture where some people see two faces and some people see a goblet but this is either butts or penis heads…your blog causes me to type phrases I never thought I would ever type, thank you for that. Hope you’re feeling better!

  76. 77
    Lady Penelope

    They totally look like a bunch of dickheads to me too …

  77. Those are butt cracks not holes. No wonder you couldn’t find it.

  78. 79
    Starbuckly E

    The only thing this post lacked was the possible addition of a safe word.

    And how much do you have to dislike Debra Messing to make a butt-people painting and give her credit? Or is this gesture a *good* thing? Or is the real Debra a butt-art aficionado? Its all very confusing.

  79. 80
    sillymagpie

    They just pulled the drains out of me without pinning me down. It felt really strange but I didn’t have the urge to punch anyone. Did you look punchy?

  80. That painting reminded me of these things: http://www.amazon.com/Schylling-PANIC-PETE-SQUEEZE-TOY/dp/B001R57O88 – not sure why.

    I remember a friend once telling me when she went to the dentist that she held her hand out towards his “jewels” and said, “I won’t hurt you if you don’t hurt me.” Maybe that print shows other proctologists who have hurt their patients and have gotten the squeeze in revenge?

    Anyways, I hope you feel better soon!

    Laura recently posted They've got the right idea!.

  81. Freaking hilarious. Glad you’re feeling better, thanks for sharing your funny stories.

    Codi Elizabeth recently posted And I Really Thank God for Coffee.

  82. Not quite sure what to make of the artist.
    However i am definitely sure that i wont be googling the artist!
    Hope your stomach recovers from the tube pulling soon and you feel better x

    Amy M recently posted Koh Samet: Day Three.

  83. 84
    Kiss My Grits

    Holy crap. That is one of the best stories ever. And it comes with perfect artwork to butt…I mean, boot. Was that really in your doctor’s office? Good lord. Thanks for giving me a big case of the smiles while I’m waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in and those damn counting sheep to stop laughing.

  84. This is the type of doctor’s office that was just lying in wait for you.

    Em recently posted all the news.

  85. If those people in the picture eat beans and get an upset stomache is it a fart or a burp?!
    Hope you feel better soon! <3

  86. So I had a drain tube when I had my gall bladder out and when they took it out…… Oh my fucking god, I had no idea it would be that painful, no one warned me, the bastards.
    Also this has nothing to do with my post but here in Australia we call cantaloupe, rockmelon.

  87. Speaking of cantaloupes, which your headline did but story did not…

    The letters of “cantaloupe” can be re-arranged to spell:

    – Copulate An
    – Toucan Peal
    – A Polecat Nu
    – Toecap La Nu
    – Clean Pa Out
    – A Cat Pule On
    AND …
    – Anal Cute Op

    You’re welcome.

    Did that last Debra Messing special make you blow out any stitches, Jenny?

    Bet Maile could fix you right up with a staple gun.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Middle-Age Shoulder Babies and Kitchen Fires.

  88. I read that as “buttonhole” art. I was a little surprised at the PS and photo. I am thinking I would have preferred buttonhole art, although I am not sure what that would entail….

    Kattie recently posted Twenty-fifth Appointment.

  89. That’s why the Aussies call them “rock melons”.

  90. I particularly appreciate how the buttheads are multicultural.

    Sherry recently posted In Which They Are Not Pulling Their Weight Around Here.

  91. I didn’t want to tell you about the drain pull. Because honestly, it’s better if you don’t know. Wouldn’t you have stressed and obsessed about it if you knew the drain went about 6 miles deep? I had neck surgery and had a drain and thought it was barely in there – I was worried about accidentally pulling it out. Then I went in for the follow up and the doctor gave a yank, and I could see my husband’s eyes get bigger and bigger and bigger and it felt like it was coiled around the inside of my neck sixteen goddamn times. Just a bizarre feeling. If I’d known there was about 6 feet of tubing inside, I wouldn’t have been so freaking worried about accidentally pulling it out. At least your friend was willing to hold you down, my husband’s approach was just to sit across from me and look horrified. :)

  92. Jenny,
    Look on the bright side….you’re around to write about it and not taxidermied to sit on your own shelf!
    All things considered, life it okay.

    Refuah shlema….speedy recovery!

    Sj recently posted Justice, Justice, Ye Shall Pursue.

  93. I’ve had a lot of abdominal surgeries – I’ll skip the details and get straight to the relevant part.

    I once had 4 jp drains (the tubes with the ball on the end so you can drain them) coming out of the very top of my lady bits – like a few inches below my bellybutton into the pubic hair. One of the stitches came out and the tube was slipping. I went to the ER per my doc and they had to STITCH it back in place while I was completely awake! It was so…not fun.

    Also, another time, I had the drains in for over a month. After that amount of time, your body starts to think they’re supposed to be there and starts wrapping skin and shit around them. O M G. Hurt like a mother fucker coming out. Your description of a jump rope around your liver? Yeah.

  94. What a good friend you have. I’m all misty.

    Ragemichelle recently posted 5 Interview Tips That Are Probably Wrong.

  95. I would call them more “ass-face” than “butt-hole”. Maybe google Debra Messing Assfaces and you’ll get better search results?

  96. One of my cats is named Cantaloupe, so I totally know how to spell it ;)

    The experience of having drainage tubes summarily yanked from one’s body is as strange as when you accidentally eat a long hair strand and have to pull it back out if your throat.

  97. Your life is just full of ridiculously awesome happenings. I’m glad you have a friend to hold you down so you don’t punch your doctor.

    KezUnprepared recently posted The secret life of Jimmy Giggle?.

  98. It’s true; I thought there was an ‘e’ in the middle instead of an ‘a’. Who’da thought…

    Skerrib recently posted On Fashion Sunglasses and Hobo-Chic....

  99. I have tears in my eyes from laughing, I just liked this post so much. :-)

    Lady Jennie recently posted St Malo.

  100. I went to a doctor once who had a signed picture of Fidel Castro on his wall. It said something like “Thanks for the epidural -Fidel.” So now I am not sure if he actually did give Fidel Castro an epidural, or if he just randomly decided one day to get a picture of Fidel Castro, sign it himself pretending to be Fidel Castro, and frame it. I’m not sure which is weirder.

  101. Wow! They are way too clean for mens butts. Something like this would look great on the wall at home for when my snooty aunt-in-law comes to visit. Just out of interest, does she also do the art for the gynocologists wall as well?

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted W(hy) TF would you want one of these?.

  102. You know what? I probably shouldn’t read your site before breakfast.

    Holly Folly recently posted Gathering the Hay..

  103. This post is nothing butt art. So to speak. Amazing how the medically unpleasant gets a little more bearable when you know you’ll have a chance to turn it into humor later on…..

    Laurie Gould recently posted The Singing Mammogram.

  104. I tried to go there: I Googled “Messing artist” and got lots of pics of Debra Messing a/k/a Grace. I then googled “Butthead painting” and got a lot of Bevis and Butthead and a few crazy butthead images.

    What you saw in your doc’s office was an original! Though now “Debra Messing” might have to do a series…

    toekneeray recently posted A New Love in My Life.

  105. Wow, that art is .. um .. unique.

    Victoria recently posted Special Customer Order – Carnation Soap.

  106. I have totally slapped a surgeon before because he looked at a post surgery site, grabbed a big Qtip and did something terribly painful without warning. In total reflex I screamed and slapped him a few times. He kind of shrugged it off like he knew he deserved it.

  107. Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective as I count down the days to my first colonoscopy (on Monday). And just so you know, my husband had a big chunk of infected toe meat and an ingrown toenail dug out yesterday. Our family physician asked him if he wanted it for a key chain fob. Hubs considered it but backed down when I said he’d have to walk the 12 miles home since I wasn’t having that thing in my car. So I guess NC is a little more loose about allowing you to take home your pound of flesh than Texas is. Sorry you didn’t get to keep your gall bladder. Glad you got a picture though!

  108. Welp, I think I found the painting to get my dad for Father’s Day next year.

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted Pacific Rim: Elbow Rockets, Giant Robots, and Tons of Fun.

  109. I can’t even breathe right now. Best. Picture. Ever.

    Danielle recently posted 30 Day Self Portrait Challenge with A Beautiful Mess.

  110. So is it weird that I’m totally unfazed by the butts but I’m entirely beyond nonplussed that your doctor was talking about catacombs and corpses and end times? Because I’d be leaping off that exam table and running out of the room trailing tubes if I discovered I was being treated by a guy with a bizarre death wish. That’s the guy who “accidentally” leaves a severed doll head in your abdominal cavity and later is discovered to be doing it serially.

    It’s possible I’ve been watching too many British TV mysteries lately.

    Also, I’m sorry you had to see Debra Messing’s butthole. Hope you feel better soon!

    Maya recently posted It’s Officially a Movement.

  111. Is your doctor’s favorite band the Butthole Surfers?

  112. I think maybe you could Google “Fanny Face” and see what comes up. I’m not that brave.

  113. These are definitely buttheads not buttholes! Why is Debra Messing doing butthead art? Is she sending a message that everyone around her is a turtleneck or tie wearing butthead? I guess we will never know. It’s all in the subliminal message I guess.

    Brenda Dion recently posted Stop the Presses – The Digital Press, That Is.

  114. Drain removal. Yes! I remember! I remember ancient mighty oaks uprooted intact. From my neck. Good times. Glad it is over for us both.. x

  115. I can’t elope with you tonight, but honey do hold me tight!

  116. Your life is a magical adventure of which I am both in awe and envious of.

    kaitlyn recently posted Genuine Appreciation.

  117. In response to this post, I’m going to have to quote Hunter S. Thompson. “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” Congratulations on becoming the consummate professional.

  118. Friends don’t let friends get traumatized without them. She a great friend. I’m not sure I could say I have one that would do that for me though.

    BatPoopCrazy recently posted Psycho Boss From Hell.

  119. Hope you don’t need your friend to pin you down any more and feel better soon.
    That is definitely a weird piece of art for a doctor’s office, but I guess in your life nothing is impossible.

    Mexmom recently posted Week in review....

  120. So, this morning I was on the T, which is what we call the subway system in Boston, and I saw this woman reading your book. As I walked past her on my way out, I hear her laughing out loud. I smiled and said, “Great book.” She nodded enthusiastically and said, “Awesome.”

    So, there.

    That totally makes up for the whole tubes yanked from your still-quivering body thing, yes?

  121. You give laughter amid so much pain. You are so awesome! I feel like I was right there with your friend helping to hold you down! And Maile is an awesome name for a friend. My cousin is Maile and she is an amazing person. :)

    LeAnnWoo recently posted Week 2, Total Body Curcuit.

  122. It’s funny, my husband won’t go with me to get injections in my back. Why are they weird like that?

    Also, I’m trying to figure out the logistics of how you friend pinned you down? Was her boob in your face?

    I’ve only ever had stitches yanked out, before they started with the self dissolving ones. My stomach flipped something awful.

    I hope the rest of the healing goes smoothly.

  123. 125
    MyDogFartsWhenSheBarks!

    Thanks for the insight as to what gallbladder surgery is like. I may face this dilemma one day since both my mother and my brother have had their respective gallbladders removed. But they both experienced the easy surgery. With my luck, it will be the hard way. My body doesn’t do ANYTHING the easy way. :-P

    Feel better soon! @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>— @–>—
    There’s a dozen roses for you!

  124. I couldn’t have held you down, but I could have poured you adult libations if necessary. I hope you are feeling better.

  125. I totally hope Debra Messing gets her Google Alerts today. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Also? I hope there was a bowl of Mentos at that butthead party.

    RachRiot recently posted Wow, Walmart. Wow..

  126. 128
    Rosa Winter

    Jenny, I have to applaud you for not decking the doctor after your friend let you up, not decking the friend, and not freaking out about butt holes all over the place while your yo-yo jump rope yanked out your liver. The crazy end of the world doctor was just the perfect addition to the whole scenario. As usual, you handled the entire situation with grace and aplomb…

    I think this should qualify as a free ticket to find the perfect stuffed raccoon.

  127. How horrible! Maybe it would only happen to you…but maybe it would only happen in Texas?

    Did he also prescribe chicken soup and Jesus?

    Courtney Weber recently posted Letters to People Who Have Asked about my Pentacle This Week….and Before This Week.

  128. When her drain tubes were removed, my sweet demure southern Mama said the “f word.” If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have believed it. Those fuckers must suck. Glad you’re on the mend Jenny.

  129. 131
    Loueta Chickadaunce

    I did not believe the Debra Messing part or the art part and then the picture scrolled up (jury’s back in on the art part; I win) . Thank you Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha, except for the part that it’s probably burned into my brain for years.

  130. Thanks for the warning about that Google search. I definitely won’t be trying that at work!!

    Rabia @ TheLiebers recently posted Nothing to Do? I Love This Town!.

  131. Debra Messing the actress? Who knew she had a butt-hole fetish. Who knew she was a freaking artist… of sort! Live and learn. Happy to hear you are stitch and tube free.

    Clare recently posted The Definitive Word on Hand Pies.

  132. I totally googled Debra Messing butthole art partway through reading this, before you warned me.

    gem recently posted You Give Yourself Away.

  133. I haven’t had tubes pulled out of my stomach, but I have had six feet of packing pulled out of my nose (more disgusting than painful, fortunately) and a pin pulled that was holding two of the bones in my hand in place. At least the doctor warned me it was going to hurt like a mother, and boy was he not kidding. Bones hurt worse than anything else, in my experience. I didn’t have anyone holding me down, but I definitely wanted to punch the doctor afterwards and mess my hand up totally again.

    You lead the most interesting life!

  134. I don’t know if you are a “Bob’s Burgers” fan, but this reminds me of the “Art Crawl” episode where they display animal anus art. There is also a catching tune: “Butts, butts, butts, butts…”

  135. So clearly, someone needs to get in touch with Debra Messing or her publicist or someone and get them to either confirm or deny that THE Debra Messing actually did this piece of “art.” Though, perhaps they shouldn’t put the “” around art, so as to not potentially offend her, if in fact she did produce it…

    Anywhooooo, I am so sorry that the tubes coming out was such a horrifying experience. My dad had heart surgery in January, and I watched when they pulled the chest tubes out. It wasn’t that bad and they were quite short – of course, perhaps in the case of heart surgery, they are not trying to give the patient a NEW reason to be heart patient!!!

    Feel better soon!!!

  136. As I’m reading, I kept thinking ‘oh God, I hope she took a picture of the butthole art’. And, the art reminds of a terrible book written for 11 year old boys called “The Day My Butt Went Psycho”.

  137. Butthole art is going to be this years Christmas gift idea! Thanks for letting me know about it. Also Doctors trick you when they yank out tubes. When I had my chest tube removed the doctor told me to hold on to the railing of the bed and on three he would pull it out…Mother Fucker pulled it out on 2 and I think by what would have been three I passed out it hurt so bad. Over all I was glad to be rid of the mother.

    Feel better Miss Jenny.

    Jenn recently posted I Live In The Bat Universe.

  138. I don’t have to worry about the spelling of cantaloupe … in Australia we just call them Rockmelons! Easy!

  139. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’ve had my own “tubes pulling out” experience, and that weird guttural noise you make actually means “Oh, hang on a minute, you’re pulling this crap out while I’m AWAKE!?!?!?”

    That is some seriously hardcore old west b.s.

    And it’s the weirdest feeling in the world, to feel the tube sliding around in your innards. Mine were in my neck, and went all the way down to my armpit. HORRIBLE. Horrible feeling. But mine stopped hurting about 20 seconds after the tube came out. The strange “I feel dirty” feeling lasted for hours though. LOL

  140. My fertility doctor has mirror in the exam room. Luckily it’s on the wall behind the patient, so no matter what your rear is visible. However, I guess it would b worse if the mirror was on the opposite wall. Then, I would be able to watch the doctor go spelunking.

  141. And why is one of the buttheads dressed like Sparks Mcgee (or Charlie Brown it’s hard to tell)? Does Debra Messing have something against Wil Wheaton?

  142. I could only imagine getting those ‘tubes’ removed would be similar to having a c-section, with out all baby weight and sleepless nights.

    Hey, at least your doc wasn’t using the proctologists office, right – could you visualize the art on that wall.

    Jaime recently posted OMG, It is a Vacation for The Blogger Wrench | A Camping Tale Part 1.

  143. How did you resist putting googly eyes on that painting?

  144. Trust me…it hurts more if you DON’T have a friend pinning you down.

    MILF Runner recently posted PEDs.

  145. So do those buttheads have heads for butts as well?
    Do dogs now sniff their buttheads because of the new location on the body?
    So many questions…..

    Melissa recently posted Bridezillas are made, not born.

  146. Gah! Now I kind of want to Google Debra Messing’s butt hole art, just to see what comes up. One might even say that, thanks to you, I’m considering looking up Internet porn on purpose. I knew something like this would happen eventually.

    Amanda recently posted But the World is Already Full of Big Girls.

  147. Holy Crap, not buttholes but dicks. You should have punched the doctor on the way out & told him that’s for the bad stories. Glad you are on the mend. Try not to have anymore health problems as you have had enough for one life time. & most of all, thanks for letting us other freaks know we aren’t alone in our crap-walk-of-life.

  148. good friends are hard to fine–and you got a one there! your butthole art will definitely be the topic of discussion at my next friend gathering!

    Heidi recently posted I Blame My BFFs for the Voices in My Head.

  149. 151
    Ashley Kochkanyan

    Ugh. The drains. 13 yrs later and I still remember the drains. And the exact feeling. Nice buttholes by the way.

  150. Do you suppose she painted those pictures by request? Or was she just, Hmm, I think I will paint some buttholes today?

    Sue recently posted New dog feeding regimen.

  151. I’m glad the doctor didn’t yank your liver out with the tubes! GOoooodbye poison tubes!!!

    Now, you just have to worry about that friend of yours that’s so eager to pin you down…..

    B recently posted The Weekday Dinner Lowdown….

  152. So… On my iPhone I thought those look like butts but surely they must be just cropped peaches or something…. Haha – glad to hear you are on the mend.

  153. You make even a trip to the doctor hilarious!

    Darcy Perdu recently posted Holy Cow! I AM a Random Roving Psychic!.

  154. I want that art work! It makes me wish I did not have a home office.

    Cabernet Colz recently posted Bras and Christmas Trees.

  155. ok too weird i started weight watchers and typed in catalope (wrong spelling) just today. i didn’t realize there was a u in it! your title just completely cracked me up!

  156. Lately it seems there’s very few good things in Texas but you are a definitely a gem. The Butthole Art is reminiscent of the Seinfeld episode TheAssman where Kramer got the wrong license plate and a whole lot of fun ensued. But Kramer’s contention that proctologists were party animals who had the best stories seems to be true.

  157. I know several people who posed for this picture.

    Mary recently posted un4seen Blend.

  158. I understand your pain.. I fell on a fence and punctured a lung when I was younger and the doctors put a tube in my chest to keep the fluid in my lungs from drowning me. The day came when they had to pull it out and the doctor invited all of his interns to the show to watch him pull it out of my chest. I can only imagine the noises I made. As soon as the doc had yanked out what I thought was my entire lung, he got me out of bed and we literally ran around the hospital to jump start my lungs. It was pretty intense I have to say.

  159. You’d think I would know by now… NOT to sip coffee while reading anything written by The Bloggess.

    Sorry, computer keyboard.

    Again.

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted But… I *Don’t* Hate My Blog…(Hot Mess Mom Lets Me Guest-Post - FOR A PRICE).

  160. Pretty sure I work with the guy in the middle of that pic.

    moooooog35 recently posted Before you freak out, I misspelled it on purpose for the sake of the picture..

  161. I spent an hour looking for this picture on my tumblr because I feel it’s both topical and entertaining: http://fmlphlogiston.tumblr.com/post/30505360380/modestmango-ejacutastic-this-is-supposed-to

    Glad you’re recovering!

  162. I think I have been to that party before where a bunch of assholes stand around drinking. Good times.

    The Shitastrophy recently posted Shit that Makes me Lazier.

  163. After my dad’s SECOND gall bladder surgery (because the first one nearly ended up in the morgue and the surgeon didn’t have time to do any leisurely sight-seeing to check if anything else was wrong), dad had to wear a shunt for six weeks…and I don’t want to alarm you, but that spot REALLY bothered him for the rest of his life (which lasted ninety-five years). I hope your incisions don’t. Hurt you, I mean.

    Also I feel incredibly cheated that my doctor’s office only has pictures of mountains and waterfalls. How boring is that?? I’m going to leave an anonymous note in the exam room suggesting she get more Debra Messing artwork.

    Jansy recently posted A Little Stone Bench.

  164. It might be that Deb is just calling you an ass face, cause those are literally people with asses for faces. Im worried about the one with the cup actually……..not that she’s calling you specifically an ass face or course, unless she KNEW you were coming and ninja’d those art pieces in there just for you…. but that would be weird. Weirder than ass face art. And that’s saying something.

  165. I had no idea that Debra Messing painted. But now that I’ve seen the thing, it totally seems like the sort of thing she’d paint :) Love it!

    Lynne recently posted Recognizing my limits.

  166. Oh my. That painting looks EXACTLY like my experience last night at a client’s cocktail party. Just a bunch of self-absorbed buttheads. A great reminder of the REAL reason why they invented cocktails (to help get us through evenings like this).

    Mona (Moxie-Dude) recently posted Dear if you’re a man: You may not want to read this.

  167. 169
    Sony Smith

    I will never watch ‘Will & Grace’ the same again.

  168. Your doc removed your drains? I’m in nursing school, too (Hi Elizabeth! Happy Birthday!) and every doc that I’ve worked with is all ” Ok Val, you can remove those drains now”. So I’m the one who gets punched….

    Also, I can’t spell cantaloupe but I can spell things like laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Probably best that I work in the medical field and not the melon industry.

  169. I don’t care if you ever post a “real post” again, because the not real ones are so damn great! I heart you Jenny! Not in a stalkery weird kind of way, just in a love from afar wish you were one of my friends kind of way.

  170. 172
    nancy staub

    LMBHO!!!! your friend is soooo on the money here!! It’s like the crazy gods all get together to hand pick the people who come into your life!! Be it Victor, Hailey, your friends, your new crazy neighbors posting flyers about random lions eating dogs, crazy neighbors with guns and now your very own Doctor!!! See twisted, crazy, depressed people have followers. You have PEOPLE!!!!!!! Glad your no longer filled with tubes, I wonder though what will the cats play with now? Now go sit in your pool and someone please bring her a damm pina-colada!

  171. Ugh – I remember having my drainage tube out of my upper abdomen after my surgery… by a small russian intern who was wearing too much aftershave to attempt to cover up the reek of BO. He didn’t warn me about the pain but did tell me to take a deep breath and hold it while he yanked the 5 miles of tubing out. I didn’t hit him but it was an awefully near thing! Ugh.

  172. Susan (#109)-your colonoscopy will be NOTHING like this-I want to put your fears to rest, having done this a number of times. The procedure itself isn’t bad. It’s the day before that sucks. Don’t know what sort of prep your doc is giving you, but if it’s the one where you mix stuff with Gatorade, pick a flavor you won’t want to taste for months. No red, blue or purple. Look for the clear Powerade. Get flushable baby wipes-without alcohol. You’ll want something to read, and unrestricted access to a bathroom, preferably with no stairs in the way. Diaper rash cream will be a good thing to have once the action starts, in order to avoid any more distress during the HOURS of fun you’ll have. Get the softest toilet paper you can find.
    After that ordeal is over with, the worst part of the next day is getting an IV. It’s important to keep pushing fluid as much as you can. It helps if you have trouble with IVs, mmkay? You go to the room, and you’ll be out like a light. When you wake up, be sure your sense of humor is firmly intact. You won’t be allowed to leave until you fart. And HOO BOY, you’ll fart. You will be amazed. You’ll be just fine, trust me.

  173. So…… I’m amazed lady because you actually managed to write about painfully having your draining tubes removed while a friend held you down and the doc talked about the coming apocalypse AND YET the strangest thing in the post was the butthead/hole art by Debra Messing.

    I now aspire to that level of strange.

    Dad Moon Rising recently posted And So A Little Surfer Dude Was Born.

  174. 176
    Jenifer Kelley

    Clearly you should have been searching for “Debra Messing Ass Faces”.

  175. Give them wigs and they’d be assclowns….

  176. Did they have one of THESE??

  177. “These buttheads lack awareness of the concept of “personal space”.”

    Much like real buttheads.

    Morgan recently posted A case of unfortunate pole placement….

  178. I do not trust any doctor who touches me or doesn’t have a PhD and teach me history. And the reason for that is doctors tend to stick stuff in me or yank stuff out of me and when I express my displeasure he euphamises it. My one doctor cut an abscessed cyst out of my ear, so I came in drunk. He said: “I have two bits of bad news. First, I can’t give you local anesthetic because it could infect it worse and second, there’s no painless way to do this.” Then he made my sister hold me down while he sliced and squeezed my earlobe until I almost cried, but I was drunk, so instead, I shouted and desired Pringles. Then he asked, “Are you OK?” And I replied, “No!” And he went “OK, a little discomfort.” And I said, “Shitting a sailboat is a little discomfort, this fucking sucks!” Anyway, I am sorry to spam you with this story, but it was pretty cathartic. And also I realized that I don’t know how to spell abscessed. Full. Circle.

    Damien recently posted My Running Playlist and a Lady Named Bertha.

  179. Seriously?! Catacombs, corpses,doom, and end times are possibly near? That doc OPERATED on you? omg.omg.omg!

  180. Oh my god you crack me up!! I can always count on your humor. Thank you for making me smile :) I hope you feel better soon <3

  181. I am glad to hear that you appear to be recovering fairly nicely from the surgery! This is one of those things that will be wonderful to put behind one, and, the further back in history it gets, the better it will be.
    I had a catheter installed for about 9 days while I was in hospital a bit ago. All I can say about that is that mucus membrane glues itself to things like that VERY quickly, and, so i was peeing blood for a day and a half after they removed it, and, had some discomfort for about five or six days. Oh yea…getting it removed was no picnic either!
    Hang in there!

    dave mundt recently posted Brave Men Struck Down Too Soon..

  182. A friend that is willing to hold you down for a medical procedure that could likely result in you punching someone in the head is a true friend indeed! She’s right, too, that doctor and exam room sound like they fit your quirky life perfectly.

    Thank you for not leaving the description of that picture up to our imaginations. My mind wasn’t coming up with anything nice…..

    Kat recently posted Currently.......

  183. 185
    The Silence

    Why would you want a Messing Butthole on your wall? BTW, your blog was the funniest butt story since Kevin Smith’s ‘jury duty booty’ incident.

  184. Lol! The art is right cheeky! :) Feel better soon.

  185. That’s nothing. After a kidney stone, I had to pull a 2-foot stent out of Mr. Happy by myself. I still have flashbacks.

  186. @Punky..I am also obsessively watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch on Amazon. I thought *I* was the only one!

  187. Hungover from one too many Sangrias from my birthday celebration, and I’m reading this post about butt-holes. And it makes perfect sense. Strange days.

    Y recently posted Taxes.

  188. A few years ago my husband had to go to the, um, butt doctor, and I swear to god, the sign on the front of the door said “Parking in the rear”.

  189. I am just so glad you are alive. It would be really hard for me to explain how happy I am after reading your blog, because to me, they all make perfect sense.

  190. I’m so glad you posted that picture, as what I was picturing was somthing else entirely! That being said, I hope you feel better soon!

  191. Does the new gates community allow BEYONCE?

  192. Ah I warned you about those tubes. They hurt like buggery.
    Butthole art is an interesting concept… could go well in many offices. I’m glad you decided against photographing the literal arsehole pictures for us :)

  193. See, now you’ve got me wondering how those buttheads ingest the beverages they are walking around with. Those are some unsavory pictures in my head, I tell you.

    Allison recently posted Dear This Week, Please Shut Up..

  194. Gak! I remember the drain! I swear there was at least six inches of it jammed in there. No warning, no BFF to hold me down. Just the doc saying, “I can tell that you are going to be good about this and won’t need the nurse.” huh? YANK! And he pulled slowwwwwwwwwly. I thought very evil thoughts.

  195. 197
    Rev. Mary Helen

    I would totally pin you to the table if you needed me to.

  196. So, a couple of months ago my son’s lung collapsed (he’s ok now) and they did surgery & put in a chest tube. The chest tube stayed in for the week he was in the hospital, but they had to pull it out before we went home. Thankfully the nurse held him down, I held his hand. His chest broke out in hives when the PA pulled the tube out! She said I was a normal reaction. To be honest, having an allergic reaction to having tubes pulled out of your body seems about right to me :/

  197. You just can’t unsee that painting.

    Dawnie recently posted 10 Reasons a Live Performance Will Kick Your CD's Digital Ass.

  198. You described the feeling of ‘tube removal’ much better than I did years ago. My stupid appendix tried to kill me and I had those tubes plugged into my stomach. The Dr. gave me ZERO warning when he started pulling them out and I swear he was yanking out my intestines too!! I should have screamed “FFRREEEEEEEDDDOMMMMM” (Braveheart ref.) to scare all the other patients.

    Glad you are on the mend. Happy thoughts.

  199. Only you….unbelievable! Lol!

  200. All I can contribute is that I got into a fight with the wall and the wall won. I’m consigned to spending the afternoon listening to Neil Gaiman audiobooks and drinking klonopin/vodka smoothies. Want one?

    MsHazard recently posted THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE.

  201. Also, I like reading your blog because you’re successful and you’re fucked up in some of the same ways I am so it kind of makes me hope I can be successful despite the fuckups, too. That maybe doesn’t sound like a high compliment but it totally is. You = my fucking role model. <3

    MsHazard recently posted THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE.

  202. 204
    Not at all what I thought

    Wow! I thought you meant “butthole art” like it was art that was really ugly or stupid. You know, like “that guy is a total butthole” and he’s not actually a literal butthole, he’s just a figurative butthole. I didn’t realize it was actual pictures of buttholes. That is so bizarre. And I totally want to Google it to find out why Debra Messing paints pictures of buttholes and if she is the same Debra Messing of Will & Grace but I don’t really want to see a picture of Debra Messing’s butthole. And I also don’t want my computer to think I want to see that because then God only knows what will show up in all those internet ads.

  203. I’m an artist. I’m super-opinionated and judgemental. I spent years in art school, and have been published in magazines and shown in galleries. Keeping that in mind, I can say, without a doubt that this butthole painting is the greatest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. *dies*.

  204. What a bunch of asshats! Gives new meaning to the phrase, “He has his head up his ass.”
    You should contact Debra Messing about designing a blog header for you.
    And since you’ve written about your surgery, can you deduct it as a business expense? Seems like you should.

  205. I’m a GI nurse and I’m dying to know about the tubes! Did you have to have an open chole instead of laparoscopic? Did you have common duct stones (choledocholithiasis) that couldn’t be removed with an ERCP? T-tube? I REALLY am not your stalker but I so love you and the liver is my favorite organ. Dear god, I sound totally nuts, don’t I ???? Which is why we’d be good friends. I am truly only concerned about your health ;) so you can get back to Bloggessing as usual.

  206. Hi, I was born in Australia, but I always thought it was Americans who called them “rockmelons” . My family always called them “cantaloupes”. Even the supermarkets don’t list them as “rockmelons”. Maybe it depends upon which state you grew up in.

    I remember getting tubes ripped out. Gyaaahhh! It was totally unprovoked! I hadn’t even been whinging and complaining. What was worse, was the tube hooked on my intestine and wrapped it around my ovary, so every time I ate anything bigger than a biscuit, my own intestine started strangling my secret lady bits. Had to go in AGAIN to get that sorted. (If anyone is struggling with dieting, it’s an excellent deterrent to overeating. I ended up 10 kilos under the recommended weight for my height.)

    And they didn’t even give me a lollipop afterwards!

    I’m sending you this because it always makes me smile. It’s an Australian Metro ad.
    Dumb Ways to Die – YouTube
    ? 3:03? 3:03
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw?

  207. Hi, I was born in Australia, but I always thought it was Americans who called them “rockmelons” . My family always called them “cantaloupes”. Even the supermarkets don’t list them as “rockmelons”. Maybe it depends upon which state you grew up in.

    I remember getting tubes ripped out. Gyaaahhh! It was totally unprovoked! I hadn’t even been whinging and complaining. What was worse, was the tube hooked on my intestine and wrapped it around my ovary, so every time I ate anything bigger than a biscuit, my own intestine started strangling my secret lady bits. Had to go in AGAIN to get that sorted. (If anyone is struggling with dieting, it’s an excellent deterrent to overeating. I ended up 10 kilos under the recommended weight for my height.)

    And they didn’t even give me a lollipop afterwards!

    I’m sending you this because it always makes me smile. It’s an Australian Metro ad.
    Dumb Ways to Die – YouTube
    ? 3:03? 3:03
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw?

  208. Can I get an amen for “chest of drawers” being spelled correctly??? I’ve been shopping around on craigslist for a new chest and if I see Chester draws or some variation of it one more time I’m going to spit!

    BTW I DID read the full post about drain removal by the pleasant end of times practioner, but this Chester draws issue has been on my chest all day~teehee

  209. What bothers me most about the “artwork” is that it isn’t framed correctly. smh..

  210. Cocktail or sample cup?

    Feel great soon, Jenny!

  211. My mom has this cartoon-like painting of antelopes jumping a canyon and cantaloupes with legs running off the edge of the canyon falling to their assumed death. The caption underneath is “Antelopes Can But Canteloupes Can’t”. It makes me laugh every time. My corny sense of humor.

    As for getting medical grade plumbing ripped from your flesh – why must our advanced medical system resort to such mideival tactics?

  212. Worst pain ever in my life….including the gallbladder attack that was the precursor….was getting my drainage tubes yanked out of my belly. Not to one up you, but the nurse that pulled mine out had to do 2..yes, TWO…yanks to get mine out. I didnt get anyone to hold me down. My husband was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room with his head between his legs because he was going to pass out from watching. *shakes head*

  213. Wait . . . where is Beavis? Or multiples of Beavis, which I don’t know how to pluralize or properly punctuate . . .

    Robyn recently posted The rare elements . . . An Interview with Kazz.

  214. 216
    Katie bo-batie

    If you ever need a family dr in Pennsylvania, I have the perfect one for you! He rides a Harley, is a farmer, and today was telling me prostate jokes from his residency (I’m a girl). The part I loved was I was laughing too hard for him to listen to my heart. Apparently his residency person always insisted on anal exams and would say, “The only things you need are a finger and an asshole”. So my Dr (during his residency) didn’t do an anal exam once and the teacher person started in with the finger and asshole thing…to which my Dr responded that the patient didn’t have an asshole!

    Ok, maybe you had to be there…but he seems like a Dr you’d love.

  215. I was just thinking that this post alone will probably affect your Alexa search rankings for the rest of eternity.

    Amanda recently posted Waterboarding – It’s Not as Bad as and Also Worse Than it Sounds.

  216. That print reminds me of a party I was at several weeks ago. Draw whatever conclusions you like.

    Lori recently posted I’m sorry. Did you say Bieber Fever?.

  217. 219
    SCCVespaGirl

    All my doctors want to do is discuss my half sleeves and talk about tattoos. You have WAY more interesting medical experiences.

  218. I think the thing that confuses me most is why butthole art exists in the first place. I mean, what kind of artist sits down at a canvass and says to himself, “I think I’ll just paint assholes today?” I know, I know, you’re thinking of Andy Warhol. Yes, Andy Warhol totally would sit down and think something like that. But he was totally fried on really hard drugs back then and I like to think that artists these days aren’t all big users of LSD and heroin and that sort of thing the way they used to be back in the fabulous Warhol days before someone shot him. Does this make sense?

  219. “this is the doctor’s office calling with a reminder that you have an appointment on Thursday. Oh and make sure to bring a strong friend so they can pin you down.”

    also nice try but I resisted googling Debra Messing butthole. I am enjoying picturing Debra Messing going all over the country offering various butt people art to rectal surgeons.

  220. I had my deviated septum (broken at age 3) repaired when I was 34. The day after surgery, the doc removed the wadding inside my nose while I held a tray under my chin. “Ughaaah” is EXACTLY the sound I made when he yanked the first piece out of the left nostril.

    I cannot describe the fortitude I required to sit still and allow him to remove the second piece from the right nostril. All I will say is that sitting there breathing through my nose as he instructed afterwards, feeling the hot blood coursing down my face, I felt exactly like the JAV actress at the climax, you should pardon the expression, of a bukkake video. Only the smell was changed to protect my veneer of heterosexuality. Well, the color, too, but I couldn’t see that at the time.

    All of which goes to say, attagirl, you made it, good* on you.

    After the previous paragraphs I checked several times to make sure the ‘d’ was on the end of this word.

  221. 223
    quistyone

    Your picture captions are the best. :P

  222. Just be glad it was a friend holding you down and not Victor, because he probably would have said something to make it worse. Nothing against Victor personally, but husbands never give encouraging remarks when pinning you down to a table for medical reasons.
    A friend you can forgive, your husband you can hold it against him for the rest of his life ;)
    Glad to hear you are healing and feeling better.

  223. 225
    lucky maria

    Thank you Dani [#140]. #90 had me terribly confused. I thought, “Why the hell do Australians call asses ‘Rock Melons?” You cleared up that they call cantaloupes rock melons so I am much relieved. But now of course I have to go google Austrailian slang for ass anatomy.

  224. Debra Messing is an ‘artist’? Who knew. Does she have a whole series of buttheads or does she branch out into other body parts?

    Ronnie recently posted Acting: How hard can it be..

  225. You need to rest.

  226. Do you know, that’s not what I expected to see when you said “Debra Messing butthole art.” But I wasn’t expecting to see what Google images would probably show me, either.

    I don’t know at all what I was expecting to see, because I think my imagination played an avoidance game after I read “Debra Messing butthole art” and I just assumed it was PSAs for rectal health. Like, pictures of Grace from Will & Grace delivering some public health reccommendation for gay men to have their butts checked out with cutesy illustrations a la Mr. Healthy Penis (picture is surprisingly SFW), except not of penises but buttholes. Cutesey-fied buttholes. With, like, eyes and little feet.

    This all happened within a split second of reading “Debra Messing butthole art” and lasted until I saw the picture, and my reality just collapsed and I babbled incoherently about buttholes at a cocktail party, which, OMG, that sentence…

  227. Yeah. That just makes me snicker like a Despicable Me minion and say “butt”…

    Jess recently posted An Ethical Hiatus..

  228. Only a true friend would hold you down and allow someone talking about death to pull things out of your body. Youre a very lucky lady !

    Holly Briley recently posted Dear Friday ….

  229. My dear and lovely Jenny, if you are a true fan of booty portraits, I do hope you’ll consider the gorgeous paintings of Temo Moreno known as “The Eyebutts”: http://www.temosart.com/eyebutts/eyebutts.html

  230. I’m glad you have THAT friend – the kind that will hold you down, but not hold you back.

    By the way, another awesome thing about Maile is that she knows how to take a picture. When I randomly ran into you and Maile (and totally fan-girled out), she took a picture of you and me and was kind enough to hold the camera high enough to get the good angle for maximum chin skinniness. You can see the pic here: http://amazingsdj.blogspot.com/2013/07/my-wonderfully-fed-up-weekend.html

    Oh, and totally unrelated, but my book club is meeting tonight to discuss your book. We will laugh. Because you are funny. And we will laugh more. Because wine.

    Shelley recently posted The LOW SUGAR VEGETARIAN DIET - In Pictures.

  231. So did you go and get infected when you had your gallbladder out? Is that what happened? Oh sweetie. You really do have the worst luck. Well, maybe not the worst. My friend ended up with pancreatitis when she had hers out, and the response to that is to starve someone for like four days until the pancreas decides to settle the fuck down. I’m glad the drains are out. I hope everything from here on out plays nicely.

    *hugs*

    Melly recently posted Auto-pilot.

  232. Not to mention something dark on a light-hearted humor blog, but that painting looks eerily similar to the style of painting John Wayne Gacy had when he painted in prison. Just saw one of his paintings yesterday of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves on this documentary on netflix yesterday.

    Rico Swaff recently posted The Phantom of the Awkward Part 4: I Accidentally Told this Woman that She had a “Funny” Looking Kid.

  233. I had those drains too. When I went to have them out the nurse asked if I wanted to have them done individually or both at once. I said…what would you do? (because I had no idea what to expect). She said Best to get it over with quickly. When I do them one at a time, people often try to chicken out on the second one.
    So she pulled. Wow. That really was….something that feeling. I would liken it to what it must feel like to be in an Aliens movies, but not one of the survivors at the end.

  234. I thought this was going to be about Jason Bigg’s recent tweet about cantaloupe as a baby name. But then you ended up at Debra Messing’s butthole…so way to keep things interesting!

    buckiddo recently posted Purple Nursery for Mary.

  235. Butts with ties and Cosby sweaters? Why Debra MessIng? Why?!?!!

    Lori recently posted The ten best things about summer in the 70's, Ossining edition..

  236. Your doctor is a strange one, talking about the endtimes. Though, I’m pretty sure butthole art makes the rectal surgeon just a bit stranger.

    Heartache Into Beauty recently posted Fire spinning show!.

  237. Im so sorry!!! I totally would’ve made them give you valium or something… and me valium for having to hold you down… It sounds awful.

    Kerry :) recently posted Giant Gummy Say What??.

  238. When my grandma had drains for her gallbladder there was warning tags attached. After saying don’t pull them out was a warning “do not let pets chew or pull on drains” with a picture of a dog chewing on the drain. It was weird but I got to thinking, damn, there must have been a lot of dog vs drain incidents to warrant this warning.

  239. Hi Jenny,

    I had to laugh when I read this post. As a nurse who has pulled plenty of abdominal tubes, (my guess is you had a Jackson-Pratt drain), you pretty much described typical responses. And, as several of the posts here reflect, a swear word or two is often uttered.

    I guess the closest experience I can recall that is similar to yours is stepping on a nail when I was about 12. I was running down the stairs and stepped right on it. It was bad enough going in but pulling it out was truly painful. The worst part was I couldn’t go to mom and ask for help because I was the one who put the nails on the stairs in the first place. I was hoping to “get” my cousin and stepped in my own trap. What’s the saying about Karma?

    I enjoyed your post.

  240. Because of you, this is now in my head….

    Megly Mc recently posted Tag It and Bag It..

  241. 243
    Sara Schobert

    Jenny this picture made me think of you

  242. And I’m just wondering how much the butt paintings go for.

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted But I Didn’t Throw the Poop.

  243. I am reading your book and loving it. I started reading it on a plane and the woman next to me lost total interest in her Koontz book. she said hers was all about people shooting each other. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face. Book envy….thanks for that! Carry on….

  244. Your doctor scares me.

    And now so does Debra Messing. More than usual.

    Emelie recently posted Dear Diary: What Has Greg Been Up To? Part 2..

  245. I also think that no one can spell Ouija

    Ragemichelle recently posted If You Can’t Run, Adapt.

  246. Well, it’s good to know there are doctors out there with a sense of humor.

    Karen Peterson recently posted Karen's Blog of the Week: My Year of Star Trek.

  247. Love, love, love when doctors have great senses of humor!!

  248. 250
    Sparkling74

    I am so glad you put the picture of her art. I was so sure you meant she had dipped her butt in paint and sat on the canvas and called it art and I was so horrified!!!

    Sparkling74 recently posted How Do You Fondue?.

  249. See, I scrolled down to that picture of the artwork and all that came to mind was “Republican Cocktail Party”

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted We’re melting… melting….

  250. Love your blog! You remind me of a somewhat more imaginative and open version of myself and a smarter version of my ex-moth-in-law. I haven’t had all the health problems you have but I know what it’s like to feel that you’re suffering in silence and that need to make light of your calamities. After all, laughter is the best medicine, and that is the truth! When I was thrown in the looney bin for “23 hour observation” (thanks to my ex-husband), I told his mom, “They put cages over the miniblinds because they think I’ll hang myself by the cord, but that is certainly not on the list of top ten ways I want to die.” I thought it was hilarious. She thought I was crazy. I admire and find comfort in your dry, dark humor and thank you for sharing.

  251. Hey Jenny, today I had to reference this post to remind myself how to spell ‘cantaloupe’.
    Not even joking.
    (‘Thank you for your assistance’)

  252. If you moved to Australia at least one of your problems would be solved – they are called rock melon here.

  253. What the fuck? Since when did Debra Messing (And I assume that this is the actress?) decide she could paint? And who on earth would put that in a medical facility? This is just horrifying on multiple levels. Honestly.

  254. Thank God for friends like Maile, right?

    The Hook recently posted Guest Post: Weekend Musings With Chelsea..

  255. Your surgery sounded NASTY. Good thing you have a great sense of humor (and a great friend).

  256. 259
    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right

    I’ll laugh my own butt off if “Debra Messing butthole” starts trending on Google Zeitgeist because of this post, and the real Debra Messing emails you to cut it out.

  257. Why do doctors think that kind of weird art is ok? I had nightmares about hands with googly eyes for a month because of the seriously messed up art in my hand-specialist’ office.

    Aileen recently posted Dear Universe, Aileen Unedited.

  258. I know your blog through my wife and had to see it for myself. Your book was awesome and you are totally nuts (in the best way possible). :)

  259. My dentist has find Wally type pictures on her ceiling which I find very helpful when she is digging and doing obscene things in my mouth, much better to ignore what she is doing and try to find Wally.

    Vivian recently posted Tales from bed.

  260. I had one of those tubes in my chest after a surgery on my rib… I stupidly thought they would put me back to sleep to remove the tube or something. I mean I was only 16 at the time so I had no idea how the tube would have to come out. Maybe I was hoping they would just cut it out or something. Yeah… I cried when the tech took it out. Then I glared at him and told him he wasn’t my friend anymore. The poor tech felt SO bad. These were military cardio doctors/techs that aren’t used to working on teen age girls. anytime we cry they freak out and start trying to make amends. He tried to apologize for months after and promised to never come near my incision again or near me with any sort of needle. it’s a horrible pain!

  261. What it is not “cantaloop?” :)
    Some happy, healing dance music from the 90’s.

  262. I’ve actually experienced this. I had my appendix out in early 2011 and when they pulled the drain tube out the next day, I CAN’T EVEN. I could feel every inch of that tube squirming around inside as it was leaving my body. Then the doctor inexplicably decided to stop pulling with a few inches left, so the tub was poking me in the bladder. Imagine having to pee because a tube is poking you in the bladder FROM THE INSIDE, but you can’t get up to pee until the doctor finishes what he’s doing and leaves and even then, you can’t get out of bed anyway because there are 3 incisions in your belly? Awful.

    Alison recently posted On finding comfort in the little things.

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