Holidays can be rough. Especially for the little ones. And by “little ones” I mean “my cats”.

This is for you.  This is as close as I came to making a holiday card this year.  It’s also as close as I came to being murdered by my cats this year.  But you are worth it.

******************

And in unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Fix The Toaster, which aims at awareness and prevention of car crashes. Nearly 32,000 Americans die in car crashes annually. 80% of car crashes are PREVENTABLE. If the TOASTER was killing that many people we’d think it was ridiculous. We’d un-plug it and say, let’s Fix The Toaster.  Be aware and be safe out there, people.  You’re worth it.

105 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Too cute. How in the world did you manage to get the beards on the cats? Mine will pose in hats, but definitely not beards.

    Julie recently posted Mind-blowing Cherry-Strawberry Balsamic Chicken.

  2. What have you done to those little cats? I bet they put up a fight but we can see who won, ha ha ha.

    Seasonal Greetings and I hope you and your loved ones have a fantastic New Year. Eat, drink, be merry, dance on the table or under it, have plenty of fun before it ends with a bang :)

    Rum Punch Drunk recently posted Reflections.

  3. Now I’m really not sure whether I will end my days being killed by my cats (with or without festive headgear) as I always imagined was inevitable or whether the toaster will get me first.

    Fiona recently posted I bet the real Santa wouldn’t tolerate this crap.

  4. Dressed up cats…the bumble….it’s like a Christmas miracle a few days before Christmas.

    Ragemichelle recently posted Stretch Marks And Barbie Dolls.

  5. The Twitter story is linking to the book list, is that just my phone hating me?

    Love Hunter S Thomcat’s inquiry face and noises.

    (Crap. Fixed! ~ Jenny)

  6. Haha cute Christmas cats

    angela recently posted Holiday Hustle Check In #3.

  7. Merry Christmas.
    And thank you… you make me laugh, and I love laughing.

    Natalie, the Chickenblogger recently posted {this moment}.

  8. That is the best holiday card of all time. They DO look like they are about to commit murder. It’s awesome.

    Cassie recently posted Goals and Disappointments.

  9. Hunter S Thomcat = sweet.

    Merry Christmas!

    -Angie

    SmithShack71 recently posted black and whites with ma.

  10. 10
    juliet holden

    Merry Christmas, Jenny!

  11. 11
    Rev Mary Helen

    This is by far the best card I will ever receive.

  12. Merry Christmas Jenny – You have given me the wonderful gift of laughter all year long. I feel like I owe you a taxidermied animal….dang, everytime I think I am finished shopping……..

  13. I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you. Merry Christmas !

  14. Sweet little baby Jesus, they look miserable. In the best way. If only you could have made them wear the Santa mankini, too! ;)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #585: Ho Ho…NO!.

  15. Loved your #fruitcake on Twitter. Now that was a photo! Fruitcake on Cat, happy Holidays. You always make me laugh.

  16. I also write for Examiner.com:

    http://www.examiner.com/user-bmader.

    I think we are humor sisters.

    Barbara recently posted A problem with the traditional Christmas Story.

  17. “Did a quick interview with The Hook”.
    You make it sound so… normal, Jenny.

    In actual fact, it was the coolest thing since I scaled a cable tower to spy on Cheryl Williams through her bedroom window in the sixth grade.

    It’s okay, folks; she was in on it.

    And I fell before I saw anything too x-rated. Of course, I landed on her dog – who was never quite the same after… So I guess karma is a bitch who truly works in mysterious ways.

    Anyway, thanks again, my Bloggess, for visiting my little blog and making my life complete. Not only do you have kick-ass cats and a kick-ass attitude, and tons of talent, you have a warm and generous heart.
    You rule.

  18. This week I’ve had a sick kid, a teething baby, and about three hours of sleep a night, average. Thank you for humiliating your cats for the greater good.

    Eva recently posted Holidays with Mama, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Christmas Again.

  19. Ferris totally rocks that goatee…

    Kara recently posted OWH Sketch Challenge #204.

  20. When your cats are in the witness protection program, your goose is cooked. The little fuzzy horrors will flip on you for a cheap anchovy.

  21. I lost my tweezers and was beginning to think I might look like a billy goat. Seeing your cats, thinking maybe a chin hair or two is kinda cute.

    Amanda recently posted The Weight is Over.

  22. Well, at least they aren’t like my cat. She is getting the gift of eye medication this year.

    Holly Folly recently posted The Vet, the Cat and Some Drool..

  23. I’m more of a dog person, but I appreciate the sentiment.

    Manicmom recently posted The holidays are not for procrastinators.

  24. Poor kitties! I gave up and did not send cards out this year. Hmmm… maybe I can put an elf hat and beard on our hamster and send out e-cards. Merry Christmas!

    Keitha recently posted A Few More Days With Cutesy.

  25. Seems to me that your cats must be used to this kind of thing by now. If they haven’t killed you in your sleep before now, I’d say that you’re pretty safe. Of course, you may want to check your shoes for “presents” for a few days……

    Merry Christmas to you and your family Jenny!

    Kat recently posted The little things.

  26. 27
    SqualorHouseGail

    From my snow-covered Squalor House in Illinois:
    A Happy Christmas to Jenny, Victor and Hailey—who make my days happier and bright!

    A Merry Christmas/Happy Solstice/December 25th/Whatever to the Bloggess Army and the Tribe of my fellow Commenters around the world who are funny, kind, and breathtakingly honest and make me feel I’m not alone.

    To all of us who struggles with “issues” of one kind or another–a wish for a Happy New Year with far more days of light than dark.

    Best wishes to all!!! Gail

    P.S. Now, my 7 cats are worried that Santa will be bringing a hat and beard for each instead of toys and treats!!!

  27. I so needed THAT this morning. Thank you!!
    Have a fabulous holiday!

    Gina Fenton recently posted Things that make the Season JOYFUL- Part 2.

  28. Oh Jenny, you could not possibly love Canada more than we love you. And I mean that in the creepiest stalker way possible. ;-)

  29. See, this is why I just drew pictures of our cats for our Christmas card this year. Far less murder involved.

    Daniel J. Hogan recently posted Caturday Photos: Rags Plays “Smaug”; Nigel the Gamer.

  30. Love the grumpy cat pictures! Hope you have a great Christmas!

    Rhonda @Bitch & Whine recently posted Come On People! It’s Basic Cause And Effect.

  31. I need that Christmas card with my cats on it!

  32. I really appreciate the risk you took for making your card…my cat would have killed me and buried me in his litter box. Have a Merry Christmas!! (and watch your back…the cats will strike when you aren’t looking!)

  33. I love your card! My cats suffer as well…but since I feed them, I’m safe from their revenge schemes.
    Happy Holidays, Jenny!

    Rea recently posted It's almost the end of December...that means everyone fight about which holiday "owns" the month, right?!?.

  34. I cannot believe you survived that. I tried to bathe my cat for the first time this week, and she growled at me. It was so menacing that I realized she IS actually in charge of me. I joke about it, but for real, my cat could kick my ass.

    Stephanie recently posted I Should Probably Come With A Warning Label..

  35. WhoLock, my two favorite genres melded into one. Gave me goose bumps.

    Sue recently posted Everyone needs a friend like this..

  36. I think my cats started a support group for abused felines. They had to be Christmas Jesters this year. Let your cats know there’s help if they need it.
    Well, not like HELP help, because the dressing-upping is never going to stop…but at least there’s a place they can go to bitch about it. Even more than maybe they already do.

  37. this year I despaired of a proper gift for my 17 year old niece. I’m the book aunt (you know, *that* one) and kept picking up things that were *almost* right. Then I remembered. So she’s getting your book and if she doesn’t like it she’s out of the family because Christ on a Cracker (wow, my pastor wishes I’d stop saying that) What The Hell Has To Be Wrong With A Person Not To Like That Book?

  38. 39
    MyDogFartsWhenSheBarks!

    Merry Christmas to you, Jenny! And Merry Christmas to all in Bloggess Land as well. This is the only Christmas card I’ve received up to now. I’m not holding out much hope for many more…

  39. The pics aren’t enough!! I want the cats’ exact words please.

    Rosalind Minett recently posted Christmas: last minute books.

  40. Santa Cat wearing a goatee– is that a Texas thing? Or is it a mash-up between Santa Claus & Colonel Sanders? I guess he could whip up a great Kentucky-fried turducken for the Christmas table.

    Dave B. (@BuckyKatt) recently posted Arcade Fire Announces "Reflektor" Tour (Two Brooklyn Dates); Metric Adds Small-Venue Show.

  41. Love it. I agree with the post-er above. Thought bubbles for the cats, please. Though I suppose it’s pretty clear what they’re thinking.

    Liz recently posted Zoe vs. Santa.

  42. Please allow my crazy to show itself momentarily…that’s technically a pegasus, not a unicorn. Much love!

  43. Your card features 3 more reason that I need a cat.

    Joy recently posted Giveaway Time!.

  44. My family is getting me nice things, bless their hearts, but most of the time they don’t GET me. But my favorite gift of the season has been The Bloggess’s good gift/bad gifts post and each and every comment, and her live tweeting of her first #fruitcake experience.

  45. 46
    Candy @ Candypolooza

    Aww cute kitties!! I’d dress mine up too if we had some!

    Merry Christmas to u and yours Jenny!!

  46. Hunter S. Thomcat is adorable.

  47. I would never have been able to get my cats to wear that!! They must be used to it :p

  48. One of my cats “talks” just like Hunter S. Thomcat — but ONLY when it’s bedtime. We have a cat door in the door that leads from the master bedroom to the deck and the cats love to sit out on the deck and pretend they are really jungle animals. When it’s bedtime, I’ll tell Toppa to come inside and she looks at me in distain and starts to chitter — in a way that makes it clear she is saying, “Fuck you! I don’t want to go to bed! If you want me to come inside, you’ll have to come out in the cold and get me, stupid human!” I usually DO have to open the door and take a step outside before she decides I’m serious and darts between my legs (and then usually she hides under my bed…and the game starts again). Perhaps a gift of a Santa hat and a little beard will remind Ms. Upitty who the mama lion is in our household.

    Jana recently posted The Vomit Game.

  49. My cat chitters like this, too (though I call it chatter, lol). She does it when she sees birds through the window or when there’s a fly too high up on the wall to reach. It’s adorable. And also, not stealthy. Silly cats.

  50. I love this. Our cat Toby acts as life has been sucked out of him and sinks to the ground “IF” you attempt to put any decoration on him. It paralyzes him to the point he can not walk. Though he will roll if you say the word “treat”. Happy Holidays

  51. Oh God, you’re the Blogher keynote? Do they know how you are? They don’t know what’s going to happen to them, and I’m so happy!

    Jen recently posted Rethinking Skyler White.

  52. They all look like they are about to pounce on something. It obviously would NEVER be you, and it’s obvious because you have 3 cats that it’s not a mouse because no mouse is that dumb to go into your joint and be all, “I am your master, give me your cheese.” So my guess is you have an arrogant bug who is one by one taking on your cats to claim the territory for the 3 days of its life, or a super threatening ghost who loves to watch you shower, blog, and take pictures of your cats. Ghosts are weird. I’m so thankful you have 3 bouncers protecting you from the evils that lurk. May the Pussy be with you.

    Michelle recently posted Duck Dynasty Guy: What's Going On?.

  53. i’m not sure if your going for the three wise men, or the ghosts of christmas past, present and future? either way, thanks for a year of laughter and weirdness.

    simone recently posted Suddenly Steampunk.

  54. Don’t worry, our middle cat Whiny is taking it upon himself to get even for every cat that’s ever been dressed up in stupid clothes. He tried to kill me in my sleep this morning.

    http://beingsmokey.blogspot.com/2013/12/my-blood-sustains-him.html

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  55. I love your roundup, but could you maybe put a note of which ones are videos so I don’t click them all at once? THANK YOU!

  56. this is on pinterest…of course, i thought of you but cannot figure out how to send it to you

    http://www.funny-meme-pictures.com/funny-memes/funny-memes-december-18/attachment/dec1813-funny-memes-06/

  57. Even if it meant I got dressed up in silly clothes/hats, I have to believe that being one of your cats would probably still be pretty awesome!

    Hunter S. Thomcat’s chittering is adorable!

    And your interview with The Hook was wonderful.

    Have a stellar holiday, Jenny!

    Adminderella recently posted Take Care of Yourself.

  58. I’m depressed.

    Laurie F. recently posted All That Is Good: Roland Comtois.

  59. Hm, the Lisa Frank-ish notebook link is more like a Pegasus than a unicorn…

  60. You are so AWESOME, Jenny! Merry Christmas -or Merry Catsmas – whatever you’re celebrating,and thanks for all the laughs this year!

  61. I put a reindeer hat on my cat once and she hung her head in shame and would not look up for me to take picture. I felt so bad and when I took it off she just looked at me so sadly, like “How could you do that to me?”

    Kit recently posted Mini-Book Pendant - The Great Gatsby by Kits.

  62. The first time I heard our youngest cat chattering I thought something was wrong with her. My husband quickly explained I was an idiot and that she was simply excited by something. Hunter is freaking cute.

    galinthegreyhat recently posted And now for something totally different!.

  63. Omg-the gray cat!

    eileen recently posted Arias Update.

  64. Love it! Totally worth the humiliation they endured and any claw marks or scratches on your part. Merry Christmas Bloggess!

    sandy@TheFearlessScribe.com recently posted Seasonal inspiration from TV commercials.

  65. Did they destroy something in your house to restore their rank after this was done?

    Tamara Woods recently posted Things didn’t suck this week. Huzzah. TToT Renegade style.

  66. Love those cats!

    itzybellababy recently posted Zulily deals for Christmas week.

  67. On a side note…did I see the” cats playing poker” picture waiting to be hung? Victor had no hope there did he??

  68. Um, *100%* of car crashes are “preventable”. I hate nonsense “statistics” like that. They are always followed by equally inane propaganda by people with a particular axe to grind. If everybody took driving as seriously as they should and were as well trained as they ought to be, there wouldn’t be ANY car crashes. But they’re the same humans that make lots of other mistakes for lots of reasons. They’re people, people. To misquote a phrase, “common sense is anything but common”.

    So how much high-octane eggnog did Hunter S. Thomcat have before that photo? He looks like he’s about to collapse. ;-)

  69. Australian Rock royalty (Tex Perkins {AKA “Sex on Legs} and Tim Rogers {with the higher voice} sing a Christmas duet. It’s from a show called “Rockwiz”, which always has 2 amazingly talented artists do a cover at the end.

    Merry Christmas.

  70. And then there’s THIS: “A Very Dalek Christmas”… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDXDkWd8eq0

  71. Oh yeah, thought you guys would enjoy this … Dogs in Queensland, Australia, are getting addicted to the cane toad hallucinogen … http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/its-a-dog-of-a-way-to-get-high-but-queensland-pooches-are-lapping-up-hallucinogenic-sweat-from-cane-toads/story-fnihsrf2-1226783570516

  72. Happy Catsmas!

    Kathleen recently posted No Zumba For You.

  73. murdered snowman. omg. that made my day. I was sitting here crying at the computer over Christmas blah, blah, blah and I am now laughing hysterically over bloody snow. thank you for turning it around for me! merry Christmas!

    monica recently posted Turns out Lilyhammer is the father..

  74. So cute! Love how they are all on the kitchen counter.

  75. 76
    Shannon Fielding

    If I tried this on my cat, i’d be writing this dead.

  76. Your Christmas mice are dead.

    Well, they were already dead.

    And stuffed.

    But they are about to be dead and et.

    HST is saying that in catspeak.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted The Amazing Power of a Christmas Tree.

  77. I thought about doing that with my cats but I would get the stinkeye from the older cats. They would also put a curse on me that would cause hair to grow on my back or every squirrel in the neighborhood to follow me around.

    Cindy recently posted Movies and Christmas and Cats, Oh My!.

  78. Ah, that’s awesome about Blogher. And I just read that that’s where you found your agent for your first book. Yep, I will have to go.

    Aussa Lorens recently posted How To Pass Time At Work.

  79. Wholock. Oh my god, why is this not a thing that is actually happening?!

  80. I love you so hard, but Blogher is gross. You’re better than a conference full of drunken wannabees who run around screeching and arm-wrestling over swag…

  81. I’m so glad the bear/lion/guy found its way back to his little girl. Thanks for providing a conclusion, I had wondered.

  82. 83
    John Kirkpatrick

    I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again… Cats Have Powers!
    You know you’re asking for it, don’t you?

  83. I hope your trip to the ER wasn’t too traumatic.

  84. Sometimes science news turns up a gem…leave it to the (18th c) British…

    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/12/131219093431.htm

    Hiring a hermit to be melancholic for me…. Why didn’t I think of that?!
    Oh wait. That would because I’m just a little crazy — not batshit insane!

    Happy hollandaise y’all.
    (Nope that wasn’t an autocorrect…it’s a bit of whimsy from college, yes back when dirt was new.)

  85. Cat Christmas Cards are the greatest. My holiday post was about a dream bathroom dedicated solely to the 2 but to each their own.

    Ellen recently posted Shooshey Room.

  86. Awesome wrap up, and great blog. New here and looking forward to more in 2014!

    Moni Barre recently posted Walkin in a winter whirl-er-wind.

  87. That is the best Christmas card ever! My cat would have totally fucking murdered me in my sleep had I tried that…

    Margaux recently posted Dying Young.

  88. You have marvelous cats. If I did that, I would require many stitches and a long course of antibiotics. My dog would probably go for it, though . . . anyway, thank you for your blogerificiness. You were one of the sterling points of 2013 for me (no, that doesn’t mean I need to get a life, thank you very much).

  89. Dressed up cats are the best! Mostly because I know how pissed off it makes them.

    Mona (Moxie-Dude) recently posted I am Super Chef.

  90. Your cats may want to murder you, but it’s worth it for those cute photos!

    Karen Peterson recently posted And then I lost at chess to a drunk Dane....

  91. Yeah, my pugs are all like bah, humbug…and thanks for leaving that tampon in the trash, so I could eat it…

    leanne tankel recently posted A DIVINE (the person, not the adjective) CHRISTMAS.

  92. That cat christmas card wins. And yeah, your cats hate you. But in a good way.

  93. Haha! I love the look of alarmed resignation on their little kitty faces. Too cute.

    Merry Xmas Jenny. Thank you for all the joy, laughter and inspiration you have given us this year. You deserve only the very best of everything in 2014 xxx

  94. How do you get the beards to look so real? How do you prevent your cats from eating the beards? I am intrigued. There is a reason you are the BlogHer Keynote speaker. Pure genius cannot be hidden.

    Lady Jennie recently posted What Is Love?.

  95. Oh, your cats look wonderful. My little kitty had to go to sleep this morning after a snake bite on Sunday.

    Kattie recently posted Emotional.

  96. 97
    SqualorHouseGail

    @Kattie: I’m so sorry you lost your dear little kitty. Glad she had a “mom” who took care of her and loved her.Not all of them get to have that.

  97. Happy holidays!

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Can't complain about Christmas.

  98. If any of my cats chit trees like that, they’d get kissed until they couldn’t breathe.

  99. Jenny,
    I wanted to let you know the reading your blog saved my life. I was in a very deep depression and considering, multiple times, daily doing very bad things to myself. I checked my self in for 6 days and did 10 days partial hospitalization, because depression lies. I made some big decisions during my recovery and I’m making my life better for me and my kids. Thank you for the usual comic relief but also the for spreading the truth about depression and anxiety. We shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed of mental illness, we need to talk about it.

    I hope you have a ver Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, I know I can.
    Shana

    (I’m so glad you’re still here. You made me cry…but in a good way. ~ Jenny)

  100. Oh, and I thought our 4 cats had it rough. Made me feel loads better. OK, the Bailey’s already did that…but you made me giggle. ;)

    Ona recently posted It’s Quiet…Too Quiet!.

  101. Merry Christmas! I have been reading your book and have a suggestion. Next time you are in the middle of an awkward story and need it to be over, just end it quickly with “And then I found $20!” Even if it doesn’t go with the rest of the story. Because then there’s a point the your story that people can relate to and it can be over.

  102. Merry Christmas!
    Hope your cats come back out of hiding eventually.

    Hey. Picked up your calendar for the daughter for Christmas.
    Awesomesauce.

    MSgt B recently posted Christmas Day.

  103. This is really cute but I’m not sure how your cats feel about it. Let’s hope they like the fame haha.

  104. Speaking of kick-ass stuff you’ve pinned, I saw this and it screamed “Bloggess”. Or maybe it was someone else screaming when I stabbed them. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

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