Oh, you.

Sometimes I look at what people are searching for that brings them to this blog, and sometimes the search term is so long that you have to hover over it with your curser to see the search phrase pop up, and then you just sort of back away slowly while shaking your head.

Below is a screenshot of a few things people were googling that brought them to this blog.  (If you can’t read the picture then click on it once to see a larger version.)


PS. A message to the person leaving the second search-term:  I’m not sure if you meant to write “babyshitting” or “babysitting” but either way, you’ve managed to misspell it.  Also, what is wrong with you?


And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

(graphic by Kelly Vivanco)

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Tonya Wyles, a former Army chick and stay at home mom who was once laid off while in full costume.  She’s now a professional Mary Kay Beauty consultant so she gets to spend time with her family and help women discover they can have great skin.  Also, you can do an online makeover at 3am like I did.  Check her (and the virtual makeover application) out right here.

81 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Hey, I won a BlogHer Voice of the Year in Humor this year and I won’t be there because I’m poor, so I need you to scream ridiculously for my post when it is shared, please. It is the one about Star Trek. Please and thank you.

    (Will do. And I hear you on the money. It always costs more than you think it will. ~ Jenny)

    J Rose recently posted Only You Can Start Forest Fires!.

  2. I want your search terms. “Birds attacking people” is so tame in comparison. Clearly I need to write more interesting content.

  3. Wow, that is I think the best one I have ever seen. A tragicomedy in a few sentences!

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted Who is Ann St. Vincent, anyway?.

  4. 4

    I have a blog, and when I get spam, I often look to see how they got to me. Once, a long time ago, I took a photo of my cat sitting on top of the propane stove/fireplace. It was in the middle of summer, and not even the pilot light was on. I titled that blog, ” How to cook a cat.” I am disgusted at how many people get there with that google request!” The second most popular search seems to be, “Only sluts get tattoos.” BTW the second one was my mother’s quote, not mine.

    Good luck with the speech.

  5. WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for precious
    metals news

  6. The heartbreak of angry vagina…..

    Michelle recently posted The Human Head Weighs 10 Pounds.

  7. Dr. Who and screaming goats are the best way to start the day!
    Well, that and a fresh new Bloggess post!

    Momma Bird recently posted Marinated and Grilled Fish Bugs.

  8. I still think the screaming goats doing ‘Game of Thrones’ is the best one aka Game of Goats

  9. At least you know they all ended up in the right place.

    Cassandra recently posted Doodling on My Wall of Sarcasm.

  10. People be crazy. The best search terms used to get to my blog this week were, “giant suppository” and “my battery is low when I gotta go google what about farts.” What?

    And the link you shared, “The future is here and it’s horrible,” made me cry-laugh, craugh. That first one with the trash flying everywhere, I’m just picturing someone watching out their window and then, “Oh no that di’int just happen.”

  11. And now I have a sudden urge to search for Angry Vagina. Thanks a lot Jenny.

  12. “Angry Vagina” sounds like a teenage rock band. Or the title of a memoir. Or an off broadway musical. I can’t believe no one’s snapped that up yet …

    Manicmom recently posted Of Machetes and Medications.

  13. Cabinets of Wonder reminds me of (author of The Invention of Hugo Cabret) – Brian Selznick’s Wonderstruck. There are 2 stories: Ben’s, set in the 70’s & told entirely in words and Rose’s, set 40 years in the past & told entirely in pictures. A real cabinet of wonders is a prominent feature in the story. It looks like a looooong read – but it really isn’t! I have shared it with my 3rd and 4th graders as a read aloud & character study text. It’s a great summer escape!

  14. 14
    Sara Sautter

    But seriously, what was the rest of the search that started with “I put hydrogen peroxide in my ear for fly but found there was a tiny one …” That one. Yes, I need to see how that one wraps up… Was he/she trying to kill the fly? Simply cleanse it?

  15. Furiously happy that Lois made it onto a t-shirt. Damn shame my birthday just passed ;D

    JJ - 84thand3rd recently posted Vegan Butter (Dairy-Free | Soy-Free | Gluten-Free | Probably Paleo).

  16. At least someone actually searched for YOU. Although it’s a shame they couldn’t spell.
    As for the rest: I think you may need to find someone who could do a job lot on restraining orders.

  17. I think Angry Vagina was the second choice name for Pussy Riot.

    The only thing I ever find that someone googled to get to my blog is kids in bathing suits or kids bathing both of which seem creepy to me.

    Also, I didn’t realize Eazy E had been dead so long. Time flies.

    marydpierce recently posted Tap shoes, dreams, and dust.

  18. Annnnnnd Angry Vagina wins…. My weirdest one (okay, prob not, but the weirdest one that comes to mind) was “Labia Minora Fun”. WTF!? What are people doing with labia minora that I’m missing out on!?

  19. Hahahaha…I can watch the screaming goats over and over…even hubs, who is not a Doctor fan, cracked up over that.

    Michelle recently posted The Human Head Weighs 10 Pounds.

  20. You mean I’ve been spelling blloggess all wrong for all these years? I always thought there were 3 “L’s” in blloggess.

    Teri recently posted New friends, new faces, new prizes to win!!!.

  21. I just discovered this feature on my blog and man it is weird how those search engines work, Ain’t it the truth.

    Mary-Anne recently posted Tinking back.

  22. You made mine and my daughters day with the screaming goats Doctor Who. We laughed and laughed.

  23. To be fair, I’ve never seen birds and bees getting it on either. I don’t understand that phrase.

    I might, but my mom never gave me The Talk. She just let me go to public school when I was 10-13. I learned about pregnancy and sex safety thanks to her watching Lifetime constantly around the same time. She tried to give The Talk to me when I was 18 or 19 and I was like, “no, stop, I’m already scarred for life don’t make it worse”.

    Rachel recently posted I Have A Work Question.

  24. I sincerely think you just made my day. That really is great stuff. Many, many thanks for sharing! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

  25. The Science Museum in Oklahoma City has a Wunderkammer (aka Cabinet of Wonder), and ever since I visited it, I’ve been collecting for one of my own. So far, I have an unidentified skull, some feathers, and a few photos of dead birds.

    I’m glad I can say that here.

    (This is a safe place. :) ~ Jenny)

    Courtney Cantrell recently posted Moderating Comments until Further Notice Because Spam.

  26. “angry vagina” is my favorite too. I once wrote a story about how my Grandma called my kitty cat leggings “hot pussy” pants. And now I have all sorts of fairly disgusting search terms that show up. I’m sure the “searchers” are very disappointed in what they find.

    Foxy Wine Pocket recently posted I Always Hated Word Problems.

  27. I love that it was the calendar page tweet that you titled “I did a small scream” instead of the dead raccoon in a pink toque eating Nilla Wafers ;-)

  28. Shit you should buy or steal would be perfect bc frankly there is a lot of crap out there that while I would love to actually own it, there is no way on earth I would spend money on it.

    Stephanie@themadchatters.com recently posted Unconventional Inspiration.

  29. Cheetos robot = best weight loss program ever.

  30. I love how the searcher felt the need to star out the “i” and “n” in “fucking.”
    I think the message is that the ongoing nature of the verb is the heinous part that needs to be censored, rather than the singular act.
    Only fuck once, kids.

    Psychobabble recently posted Hey, pregnant girl….

  31. Love, love, love it. In particular, “what is wrong with you?” Thanks for morning laugh.

    Jan Stone recently posted Technological Challenges.

  32. While you are not responsible for teen lesbian babyshitting…or any of it’s incarnations I thank you for bringing it to my attention – the biggest laugh I’ve had all week.

  33. You can also buy the Cabinets of wonders book used. It makes sense since most of the stuff you would display in it is used anyway. Like when Juanita used to be alive.

  34. I think someone got the term “search” mixed up with “free therapy” box. There’s not even a question in there.

    Shelley J recently posted Well, I'm feeling pretty stupid right about now..

  35. I know why the caged goat screams.

    Dave B. (@BuckyKatt) recently posted Free NYC Shows Honor Pete Seeger.

  36. I’m both baffled and somewhat disappointed that Blogger no longer gives me my super-creepified search stats anymore.

    Jess@NoPithyPhrase recently posted Attention! Cute Interruption.

  37. Yea, sometimes I try to talk to google like it’s a crazy friend/therapist. I’m probably on a lot of the NSA’s lists. But, I don’t expect google to answer back and I certainly don’t expect it to be a friend of mine who got kidnapped. It’s odd to think that some people might be weirder than me.

  38. I think the most important “take away” here is remembering Mr. Eazy E.
    R.I.P. Whomever you are

    Jane Ryan recently posted Life B.G.?.

  39. Okay that Doctor Who thing was freakishly great. What makes a goat scream? Do I even want to know?

  40. Just want to say thanks for the hour lost to the virtual makeover page. Now it looks like I may be getting a drastic new haircut lol.

    (It’s addictive. I ended up buying a tube of lipstick and vowing to never get bangs. ~ Jenny)

  41. 41

    ZOMG I love love LOVE that the Alice bench uses a Ralph Steadman illustration! (I own a copy of the 1987 Steadman Wonderland, Looking Glass, and Snark in one volume.)

  42. 42
    Katie - the one with a living room full of creepy shit

    Be careful with the Cabinet of Wonder. I started one about a year ago and now I’m that weird brawd at Estate Sales being given the stink eye because “that statue of Jesus isn’t creepy enough for my collection”. I do however, have a wet specimen of a raccoon fetus which keeps certain people from ever darkening my doorstep. Win!

  43. Wow… Who types ALL that? What’s wrong with: “Dumb shit my parents say about sex.”

  44. I’d like to see the rest of the hydrogen peroxide in the ear with a fly something… Anyway, you have the craziest search terms finding your blog period. I don’t think any blogger can beat you on this. My craziest search was, “Dribble it down my face college girl,” and that just does not even come close to your search terms.

    Michelle Grewe recently posted My friend graduated Nursing school, so we all got drunk..

  45. Oh my goodness, the Doctor Who Goat Screaming was the perfect way to end my birthday! I assume you meant it just for me, right? Thank you.

    (I totally did. Happy birthday! ~ Jenny)

    Jess recently posted BSC #54: Mallory and the Dream Horse.

  46. 46

    So many funny things here, but that box of Nilla wafers as travel rations for the taxidermy racoon in a pink hat, I can’t even.

  47. Well, now I know how to get a kidnapper to let me go.

  48. WTF is wrong with people?!

  49. I have had 9 people referred to my site by Googling “disabled pussy”. I can only assume they were extremely disappointed when they got there. But then again, anyone searching for that probably deserves disappointment, if not jail time.

    tanktronic recently posted Eye Candy #20 – Caption Contest!.

  50. I probably got “angry vagina” on that list. I google it often.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted I'm normal.

  51. I run a beauty/fashion blog so the people coming to me generally know what they’re looking for. I don’t get anything nearly as interesting as “angry vagina.”

    cat recently posted REVIEW of elf Nail Polish in Coral Dream With SWATCHES.

  52. 52
    mrs. mochulsky

    Reblogged this on starkweather & grey and commented:

  53. I get quite a few hits on my blog for “farting helium”.

  54. I really, really want to know what happened involving the third search. That sounds like a stellar movie.

    brittanyssp recently posted This is How Much I Love Pickles & Tomatoes.

  55. I’m hoping that “babyshiting” is an Irish kid who has to change a diaper for the first time…. because at least that would mean s/he just left out a space.

  56. (Is it too late to fix the tshirt to say “for Christ’s sake” with the apostrophe S? I don’t want to offend my fellow grammar police and miserly linguists!)

  57. All of the search terms are slightly scary. Of course the one you highlighted is the scariest b/c it doesn’t seem like the guy is aware he’s entering a search term rather than a comment. He’s just chatting up the internet.

    I would be interested to hear the visitor’s huge cock story, though.

    One Funny Motha recently posted I Stole Some Plants (but They Were Mine First).

  58. 58

    Yea! Happy to hear my tweet of the calendar page made you scream!

  59. Someone Googled “I am in you.”
    And Google said “Here, you must mean The Bloggess.”
    And this seeker said “Yes, The Bloggess” with a click.
    This is scaring me. I’m terrifying myself thinking of this seeker and where the IP address says this search originated and the finger that clicked the mouse and the insatiable hunger. And the eyes that crawl.

    Jeff recently posted PARANOID PARENTING.

  60. Angry vagina about sent me over the cliff laughing. All I can picture is a muppet type of vagina yelling at some other muppets. How can I get those search terms turned on in my WP?

    mmaxwellbey recently posted the grasshopper illustrator.

  61. I also wanted to share a wine tasting story which has nothing to do with your post, but has everything to do with taxidermy animals. It involved a gold room with gold accessories, headdresses, and a gold couch. Greeting us at the front door was a stuffed leopard. If I could attach a picture I would. It was fantastic. Wine was good through.

    mmaxwellbey recently posted the grasshopper illustrator.

  62. I know that theoretically bloggers are supposed to look at search terms to “maximize SEO” or something, but I love them for pure entertainment value. Thanks for sharing yours. That paragraph is far better than even the craziest stuff that has brought people to my site.

  63. If, by sharing this Dr. Who screaming goat video you are outing yourself as a Whovian, I love you even more today than I did yesterday.

  64. Um. Speechless. I can’t even make up words to make a joke about how weird those are.

    stef recently posted Of Hot Coffee, Camp, and Navigation with Kids.

  65. I am afraid of what people search to find me. Normally it is crazy cat lady, or what rhymes with injection. Or how to lose your mind in 30 days or less!!!

    I find any of these a compliment btw.

    Woman_on_Pause recently posted Checkbooks, Glass, and Staples OH MY!.

  66. Aren’t you at all scared that a reader of your blog was able to kill Easy E just with their mental frustration around having sex poorly explained to them by their parents? Although, I guess they’re on your side so maybe their telepathic (telekinetic?) powers might come in handy…

    Dean Marconi recently posted Expensive but worth it!.

  67. A friend sent me a post you had a while back and that’s how I found you. But I couldn’t remember who you were but I remembered the post. So I looked up and googled… syphilis monkey. And I found you, and haven’t let you go

  68. Damn! I’d love to hear you speak! Why can’t they hold BlogHer in small town Mexico so I can attend… Why?!

  69. awesome,hope you dont mind if I share this

  70. “White fuzz on face and neck make me look fatter” … what?

    Also, who types in such long search terms?!?!

    Emelie recently posted Because this is my life now..

  71. I don’t know about a mouse magician, but the kid’s book “I, Houdini” features a golden hamster escape artist, is that close enough?

  72. Now I feel bad for not putting in a weird search term. Maybe later….if I think of something. Next week.

    Nerdy Girl recently posted Pain, Prep, Post Abduction Bunnies....and other things I love about Sundays..

  73. I love Patrick Stewart for many, many reason…but this is the reason I love him the mostest.

    MeglyMc recently posted I Don’t Think INS Accepts Lipstick Stamps On Your Passport.

  74. Lool at angry vagina…like seriously?? Now why would you want the tardis to fly in with screaming goats playing in the background lol

  75. It’s true, apparently Feminists Spoil Everything: http://feministsspoileverything.tumblr.com/ (Even Doctor Who).

  76. OMG! My local library has “Cabinets of Wonder”! I

  77. My daughter almost choked to death when i read “Angry Vagina”!!!!

  78. Thats from a youtube video. Please excuse the language. But that’s what its from.

  79. The Challenge::
    Utilize all these delightful sentence starters within the body of a blog post. Its like creative candy crack, and, here- I’ll get you started….

    “Despite suffering an angry vagina after debating my visitor’s angry cock-story, I decided to attempt teen lesbian babyshitting while wearing a wolf pelt. In addition to the single long white hair growing out of my face, the white fuzz on my face and neck made me look fatter, and lent itself to my credibility as a pack animal in search of kidnappers wanting a bj. I almost didn’t need to take the extra step of putting hydrogen peroxide in my ear for the tiny fly in there… I was feeling exhilaratingly wild already. ”

    You can take it frome here. This shit practically writes itself! :D

  80. I try to avoid my curser at all costs, and would certainly never co-hover with it. Hey, it’s a real word, so Mr.Spellcheck can’t help! Spelling? I’m one to talk. Damn it, Jen, I’m an engineer, not a grammaticyst.

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