Frankly, it’s not that much more ridiculous than a lot of the stuff on I’ve written on twitter before.

Social media is hard as shit right now because everyone is mad and I get it.  There are small reprieves like the Biden memes and otter videos, but mostly it feels a bit scary to writing anything on twitter and Facebook and that’s why today I decided to use YES,THAT CAN BE MY NEXT TWEET to let that website decide what I would probably say today based on my history.  Here are a few of the suggestions that YES THAT CAN BE MY NEXT TWEET gave me to share, and they were incredibly ridiculous and also embarrassingly accurate sometimes.

my-next-tweet

Not entirely out of character, if I’m being honest.

Let’s try again.

my-next-tweet

Okay.

my-next-tweet-3

Hmm.

my-next-tweet2

TOTALLY.  Wait, no.  Is this sexual?


tweets

I like that there’s a question mark.  Like I’m sort of sure it’s flammable but I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

tweets9

Seems like I’m just under-reacting at this point.

tweets-2

So maybe the question marks were too optimistic.  Sorry.  I’m hiding under the idea of the future.

tweets10

Seems like a good idea if everything is on fire.

A few other tweet suggestions it gave me:

I SMELL LIKE I WAS JUST GROWLED AT.

TODAY IS CANCELLED AND FULL OF HOT GOAT HAIR.

THIS IS THE WORST POTPOURRI.

WE NEED A SACRIFICE TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.

I HAVE RUINED MY PROBLEMS.

HEY, SORRY I HAVE CARPET BURNS.  ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY WE ALL PAINTED PART OF THOSE GENITALS.

GOATS HAVE DAVID SEDARIS TIED UP.

5 YEARS AGO: ME, A DICK, DEPRESSION.

APPARENTLY I’M MAKING WIGS WITH FERRETS.

2AM SUDDEN DUCK BUTT!  THE CATS WERE BEFUDDLED.

TODAY IS NOTHING AND I’M SO EVERYTHING.

LADIES AND NEAR-VELOCIRAPTORS: NO ONE’S TAKING AWAY OUR TREBUCHET.  FOUND MY CAT!

MY NAME’S LARRY.  YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING.  MAGIC IS NICER THAN MY PAJAMAS.

DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY OPEN A GOOD DUCK?  I’M GOING TO!  OOH, PRETTY!

I DRESS UP AND I’M…JESUS.

YES, I AM A TERRIBLE MESS.  THIS IS A RABID BEAR.

WHAT IN MY CAT WAS INVISIBLE BEFORE?

DUCKS.  MOTHERFUCKER.

SMELLS LIKE THEY’RE BALD DOWN THERE, RIGHT?

EVERYTHING WILL DRESS UP AND BE OKAY.

I SAW A DEMON.  THIS GUY HAS ZERO CHILL.

VICTOR FUCKED SHIT UP IN THE DEMON.  MAKE TINY MERKINS INSTEAD.

I’VE BEEN LANDING INSIDE THE BEST PEOPLE.  YOU SEEN MY STABBING KNIFE?

OCTOBER MEANS DOGS IN MIXED POLITICAL MARRIAGES WHO DON’T HAVE ANY MOTIVATIONAL BOOKS.

THIS IS THE MOST HEAVILY EDITED P0RN I’VE EVERY GLUED MYSELF TO.

VICTOR: WHAT THE FACE?

THE 2AM SUDDEN DUCK NEEDS A SEX DUNGEON.  I’M IN BED WITH SUPER GLUE.  NO CONTEXT NEEDED.

HELLO FRIEND.  BREATHE.  I SMELL REAL NICE.  I AM NOT BALLS.

Your turn.

200 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Amazing post, have a beautiful week ahead❤️️ http://www.misskymmiee.com

    Like

  2. This one – this is perfection. THE 2AM SUDDEN DUCK NEEDS A SEX DUNGEON. I’M IN BED WITH SUPER GLUE. NO CONTEXT NEEDED.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Oh my lanta, am I going to have fun with this! Thanks!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted Why Didn’t Y’all Tell Me About RunPee?.

  4. I got this:

    “Allow me to watch your own oxygen mask before body was Negan smashing Glenn’s skull on Amazon. Angry.”

    This makes about as much sense as any of my tweets, I suppose.:-/

    Like

    Daddy Scratches recently posted The post in which I take a deep breath and try to pull my shit together.

  5. “I wait for the moment I think I’ll be perfectly spiced and yet I found out and my pants back home. I like.”

    Good. Perfectly spiced.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. There seems to be a duck theme, so I approve! (seriously, though, if you had an invisible cat and a duck infestation, that’s an adventure that writes itself)

    Like

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted It’s About Time.

  7. As it turns out, I started a facebook page (simply to promote my blog) JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME! It sucks showing my face on facebook at all, because there is so much being vomitted about.

    I decided this weekend that I’d duck out and say screw it altogether. I’ll have to find the me equivalent of cat videos and Joe Biden memes and whathaveyou. Maybe it’s just beer…

    Liked by 1 person

    badparentingweb recently posted The meaning of the word Enthusiasm — William Pearse | pinklightsabre.

  8. What I meant to say was: Champions of winning superb #1!

    Like

    badparentingweb recently posted The meaning of the word Enthusiasm — William Pearse | pinklightsabre.

  9. That website is my mind. I can come up with these things on my own.

    I just Pledged my taint.

    Post-It Notes and Instant Karma.

    Don’t you ever wonder about Hamburger Helper and Marlene Dietrich?

    Liked by 2 people

    This British-American Life recently posted I Get My Own Back..

  10. Bwahahaha! No one can top this today.

    Like

  11. To be fair, if you smell like you were just growled at, you probably would not be very good potpourri.
    I got, “Let’s love pecans too. You are essential right now. art, music, and then watching some art. Thanks for.” But… but I’m allergic to nuts. ;_;

    Liked by 1 person

    jeccav recently posted Let’s Talk Protection..

  12. I am not balls either. I feel this.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. I love this one: “TODAY IS NOTHING AND I’M SO EVERYTHING.”

    Thank you, I’m having a rough day. It is getting better now.

    Liked by 5 people

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Notes and Open Letters Regarding the Election.

  14. Don’t forget the copious misspellings and prayers to sit at the douche doesn’t fall far from the free.

    Like

  15. thank you for this….though my stomach now hurts from laughing so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. These are killing me.

    Like

  17. I smell real nice. I am not balls. OMG rofl.

    Like

  18. I got “error.”

    LOL

    Like

  19. I am almost surprised its ducks and not swans, swans are crazy. “2 am swans- we are being invaded, cats call in the national guard.” now that would be a funny story. ^_^

    Like

  20. I’m crying, in a good, it made me laugh too hard, kinda way. Thank you!

    Like

  21. I am reading this at work to take my mind off of everyone else I work with playing Anti-Liberal videos in the office….loudly.

    Thank you for this!

    Like

  22. Poor David: “GOATS HAVE DAVID SEDARIS TIED UP” — or I would say that if he wouldn’t turn this experience into another best seller and not give me any of the royalties. Damn you, David!

    Liked by 1 person

    Elyse recently posted Vocabulary.

  23. The whole thing started with rock & roll, now it’s out of control.

    Liked by 1 person

    Dave B. recently posted Women's Health: Birth-Control Pill May Cut ACL Injuries in Female Athletes.

  24. I was laughing so hard by the end, I thought I was going to choke! Thank you, thank you, thank you! So awesome!

    Like

  25. I got mostly word salad, except this one: My Louise fell asleep, went face down in an occasional pause.

    (This is better if you know that Louise is a cat.)

    Liked by 3 people

    Janet Coburn recently posted Sushi Tales From the Midwest.

  26. I thought you wrote that you were hiding under the idea of furniture – which is a feeling that I can identify with.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Google and I think refugees are seeing the shortlist for leaking a MAJOR way to analyze that crown BIDEN.

    snort

    Like

  28. I’m disturbed for some reason, because they used the wrong word for “they’re”:

    “Has anyone thanking their really cool. Sure, I’m pretty fulfilling if I try to his balls I never know!”

    Like

    Brian recently posted orange talking STD just has to go.

  29. I 💘 fountain Diet Coke! Prolly had 31 moments of these products are killing me think that’s okay. I love!

    Like

  30. only for iphone? mine keeps coming up “error” though thats probably accurate.

    Like

  31. I got “On a coffee”. Job done.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Yes, but do the goats and ducks have merkins??? What about David Sedaris?

    I just woke up the dog by laughing. That’s OK, though, she was snoring really loudly and it was breaking my concentration as I was reading these magnificent tweets. 😉

    Like

  33. 34
    Smuddle Buddy

    Fucking priceless! Ooo girl I needed this laugh today.

    Like

  34. In my mind all I can see is Victor making tiny Merlin’s.

    Liked by 1 person

    Gary Lum recently posted Fun food on the Sandgate mudflats at low tide.

  35. I’m sorry I didn’t read the whole post. I couldn’t stop cry-laugh-hiccuping after “I hit a wig.”

    OMG. Ha!

    Liked by 1 person

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Grand Canyon hike: Check! And nobody fell in. Or got pushed..

  36. “You can stand against the Oath. Breaking: It is an occasional experiment, no brainer. No.”

    That sounds ominous. Let me spin again.

    “Hey there, chickadees. If not, it out. If you’re committed to give them credit. They’re doing this?”

    Yep, chickadees, that’s better.

    Like

  37. Hah! I think I was taken over by the Cybermen halfway through this tweet: “Cybermen Day > Cyber WEEK!! email. Thought of books.… You mean I figured I’d share it here in the?”

    Like

  38. I needed a laugh today. Thank you!

    Like

  39. I can’t even expect our summer camp and learn from T voters that kind of Hillbilly Elegy just bad at the!
    Makes total sense with my mindset right now. And I am blocking most social media for my own mental health.

    Like

    whatwouldgilliesdo recently posted Look Away From Vile Comments and Look at This.

  40. “I want to avoid the women. Well, he say this conversation ever took a friend’s re-Tweet has been totally?” That makes no fucking sense. Apparently the interwebz think I’m incoherent. Which is true but only sometimes.

    Like

  41. You made my day. Most of mine were gibberish, but this one was not bad.

    I picked up your questions soon. But the hotline in Illinois, Iowa..… I deactivated my eye. Listen. Love.

    Like

  42. Oh, heavens. I got: “Bacon. I immediately expect the best seat in the truth, I MUST know what world does 7.75miles translate?” I’m not sure what I’m sitting at or what I’m translating miles to, but BACON. Bacon makes everything better.

    Like

  43. I can’t stop laughing. I DRESS UP AND I’M…JESUS. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I can’t wait to try this.

    Like

  44. “Thanks for now. You totally rockin’ New Year’s Eve! Petting chart – Cat and I like you, Cleveland. ❤!”

    Like

  45. 46
    ocularnervosa

    “Because there has a kick me 10 mins at Panda Express. And not our American flag. Comprende? Piss off!”

    Ummm…..Maybe I should start tweeting happy thoughts?

    Like

  46. I don’t twitter much but this turned up and I think it’s gold. Just me?

    Douchebag DIES! Hell yeah mutha fuckas! NOMNOMNOM! SHARKNADO! SHARKNADO! SHARKNADO! SHARKNADO! SHARKNADO!

    Liked by 1 person

  47. Well, that made me laugh A LOT. And it was needed.

    Mine aren’t as good but I rather like this one: “I cannot imagine the fact I might be Funfetti. Im sorry youre facing that, too! I am in the siren’s call.”

    Like

  48. This is my new favorite distracty site. Expressing the full range of social media emotions…
    1. excitement… “Twins!!! LOVE this!! Its awesome out. Okay, now I’m super excited… basically because I’m super!”
    2. cynicism: “Good night from Drat. Maybe someday we’ll get to die horribly.”
    3. random weirdness: “We have NEVER forgotten the real things. My dog just fell asleep chewing on the sun!”
    Really not that far off from stuff I actually post.

    Liked by 1 person

  49. That was so funny. Thanks !

    Like

  50. I read the second tweet as “hiding under the idea of furniture”. Which makes more sense than the original? But also made me chuckle that a couch is just an abstract notion.

    Liked by 1 person

  51. “My parents are on fire.” ??? or did you mean to say My Pants are on fire….

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted How To Be Positive In A Negative World.

  52. Nasty women, Bad Hombres, Deplorables, Skittles, Taco Truck Lovers, Radical Muslims, Hispanics, African. (apparently I am short and to the point)

    Liked by 1 person

  53. Utter perfection:

    Saul Bass Pitch video game about legendary Frisian rebel leader Grutte Pier: Hello. A floppy disk was the!

    Like

  54. “TODAY IS CANCELLED AND FULL OF HOT GOAT HAIR.”

    I’m making this into a cross-stitch immediately. Well, after yoga class tonight, at least.

    Liked by 2 people

    Rhubarb Swank recently posted I don’t want to talk about it….

  55. When I try it, all I get is word salad. It as if I ran something through Google translate from English to Norwegian, Norwegian to Italian, Italian to Korean, and then Korean back to English.

    You know what? That sounds fun. I’m gonna try that.

    Like

  56. I need this

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Groupon Sex.

  57. I’m all over the Biden memes. It’s very little brother/big brother and funny as hell. My favorite was Biden telling Obama that he put cocktail shrimp in the hems of all the curtains. “No, Joe.”
    Maybe today will be the first day since election night that I won’t cry.
    thinking
    More than once.

    Like

  58. I read “Hiding under the idea of the future.” as
    “Hiding under the idea of furniture.”
    Which seemed like it quite accurately described my existential angst over the past week.
    As always, thank you for the giggles.
    Might have to start saying “WHAT THE FACE!”

    Like

  59. 60
    evilnewwargod

    “I need to stop tweeting now” is the best advice that everyone in the world should take.

    Liked by 1 person

  60. Now my husband is looking at me like he’s going to take the computer away. He just doesn’t get us.

    Like

  61. Some of the best ones I got:
    – Not wearing my calendar for this. It’s so EAT THAT MONDAY!
    – Leave to say some good shit. CAN’T WAIT!!!
    – Family movie! @ Rave Cinemas Dayton South 16 – I’m drinking.
    – I have a Fiona Apple – are SPAMMING THE SHIT OUT ME! If you just need more coffee. Or period. Watching.
    – BAD Laffy Taffy Joke: Why did that incriminates his behalf for 19?
    – HI TWITTER!!!!! I deliver. Then it’s sinus.
    – I want a pancake flipping machine!
    – I’m mentally crowning right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  62. Nope – not gonna tweet this one: Aaaagh! I’m overwhelmed but I’ve lost my favor, or Hunger Ga… Actually…” -people asking for Father’s.

    Like

  63. Some of these scared me a little bit. This one stood out above the rest:

    “I hate my cereal! sadly no. It was never a world record! Save $0.50 off the dome’s version of mental!”

    Like

  64. I post a lot about football so a lot o them had random football things. But this one sounds just like me who is usually drunk.

    Howdy, Texas. Not very often you posted? 👀 Let’s find some drinks now That was enough … I also sounds.

    Like

  65. 66
    libraryzombie

    This makes me sound like the dog in UP!

    “Pretty orchid. Pretty orchid. Pretty orchid. Pretty orchid. An actual Venus Flytrap! More pretty orchid.”

    Liked by 1 person

  66. I’ve found my exam your honest criticism of twixy goodness right under their sky fairy bread…best study! –sounds like I’ve been at the sugar and books too hard and someone handed me my phone…this needs to be a android!

    Like

  67. “I can be light. A year ago The blood of children. Show them to all with Scottish liqueur & Boss Man!”

    Like

  68. […] and otter videos, but mostly it feels a bit scary to writing anything on twitter and Facebook … Continue reading → […]

    Like

  69. “WHO needs to listen to Google as it’s AMAZING for innocent passersby to Gryffindor? Identity crisis.”

    Well then.

    Like

  70. carpet burns!…yaaasss

    Like

  71. Omg. Cant breathe. Laughing is fun.

    Like

  72. “Renowned Japanese musical genius turns out to know. It so happened my favorite theme songs You’ve?”

    You’ve what?? Don’t leave me hanging there!

    Like

  73. Why is the app yelling at you? Is it also angry?
    BTW, I’m waiting for your David Tennant-licking story. 🙂

    Like

  74. I don’t even know what this means: 23 Words In Bed Shit…my 18 yo son will plow through the softest blanket. This Election 2016 – When I am.

    Like

    Michelle recently posted Groupon Sex.

  75. “Nobody survives a presidential candidate’s team felt the proper way around.… The Rocky Horror Picture!”

    Well, there ya have it.

    Like

  76. 77
    Crystal Pauley

    I love how so many of them deal with ducks! My favorite though: “THE 2AM SUDDEN DUCK NEEDS A SEX DUNGEON. I’M IN BED WITH SUPER GLUE. NO CONTEXT NEEDED.”

    Like

  77. How about this: STOP READING TWEETS. BUY A BOOK.

    Like

  78. Omigod I have to try this!!! I thought for one quick second that one of your tweets said “Hiding under the idea of furniture.”

    Like

    marliesvonn recently posted My crown of shame..

  79. Huh. If you ruin your problems, does that mean they’re no longer problems? Is that like fixing your successes?

    Like

    Aidan (not Aiden) recently posted Brief Vacation.

  80. Wow. This is awesome. Thank you!

    Like

  81. My favorite was this part “YOU SEEN MY STABBING KNIFE?”
    I just hate when I lose that. The good news is that it can usually be found in whatever was last stabbed.

    Like

  82. Just awesome. Some would be excellent fortune cookies.

    Like

    Shari recently posted Writers Block?.

  83. I love what got!

    “We will be a whole tribe supporting you. Just be awesome! The world will be foxy! Yes! It is a cookie”

    Like

  84. Oh my Maude this made my life. Favorite thing I’ve read all month. Love “I saw a demon. This guy has zero chill. Victor fucked something up in the demon.” But I’m surprised no ferrets.

    Like

  85. They could have stopped with “This is the worst potpourri.” Because really–have you ever met a potpourri that wasn’t obnoxiously overscented?🙂

    Like

    candidkay recently posted Rubbing shoulders.

  86. Holy shit! These are fantastic🙂. I particularly like “We need a sacrifice to make things worse,” (nicely sarcastic for a robot tweet generator) and “I have ruined my problems” (I guess that means technically you’re winning, right?). I definitely want to use “Today is cancelled and full of goat hair” the next time I don’t feel like going out. It would make a great emergency sign for a shop or public building.

    Liked by 1 person

  87. Thank you for this post. It’s been a very sad day and I am now laughing.

    Like

  88. I got this: “I’m still reeling from both of those endings. schools are not alone, we are not alone, we are saying no?”

    I think that’s an indicator that I’m not funny enough for the Internet.

    Like

  89. It’s disturbing how many of those I wouldn’t be surprised to see…
    “WE NEED A SACRIFICE TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.” should be the title of your next book.
    “DUCKS. MOTHERFUCKER.” <<<Next anniversary present?

    Mine:
    “It’s like havinf crucial information/bullet points pasted on the illustration ideas/WIPs list….? Uh.” OK that seems very me, including the awkward typo…
    “Only the proceeds will actually feel you CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON WORK, GODDAMMIT AMERICA! Heh I shouldn’t!” ….Yes.
    “Music for a joke… I CAN SAVE YOU, GIVE ME THE SALMON! Wait how can …Lianne, no….. My power bank!” …What is going on in there?
    “I don’t think I’ve been trying to anyone just pretends to be stopped by $$ or just pretends to have some!” I feel that is surprisingly deep….

    Liked by 1 person

  90. I got this absolute perfection – “Ha! I saw a very fight or flight feeling tonight. I’ve leveled up. Please, Jenny. Flip the White House.”

    Like

  91. And lo, I began greeting all of the peoples with the phrase, “HELLO FRIEND. BREATHE. I SMELL REAL NICE. I AM NOT BALLS.” hahahahahahahhahahaahaha

    Like

    Lisa recently posted I Suppose This Has to Do With Anxiety?.

  92. I particularly enjoyed “We need a sacrifice to make things worse.” Because somehow that feels hella accurate to my life.

    Like

  93. What is a merkin? Is it part gherkin and part mermaid- a water pickle?? I JUST DON’T KNOW!!!!

    Like

  94. All I can say is: Already done. Whole family. But your message is an elegant feline. Both heartbreaking and toads headed.

    Or how about… You are never enough cat pictures. Thanks, and they do miss you. Well, stay safe. Could be Cleveland.

    Thank you, Jenny, I needed to laugh today.

    Like

  95. “THE 2AM SUDDEN DUCK NEEDS A SEX DUNGEON. I’M IN BED WITH SUPER GLUE. NO CONTEXT NEEDED.”

    I NEED CONTEXT, this just raises more questions

    Like

  96. DUCKS. MOTHERFUCKER.

    Like

  97. Congratulations! You may already be a wiener! (You know, like those letters we get that get us all excited because the people who sent you the letter are mostly, absolutely, almost certainly sure you could be that one person in 5,289,387,999,001 who will actually get one of the prizes.)

    Like

  98. I don’t even have a twitter but this is fucking hilarious!!

    Like

  99. I luuub yours!
    Mine: Heh b/c haunting trees are well. ((hugses))) Reading the moon, too. Stupid moon! Hope you aced! WORLD!

    Like

  100. I have 3 different Twitter accounts and none were this interesting. I hope the goats let David Sedaris go. I like him.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Entitled What? WHat?! WHAT!!!.

  101. I love that my the first words of mine are “Give this garbage fire” that is the best.

    Like

  102. pretty much sums it up babe! Thanks for being YOU!

    Like

  103. Don’t even have to read the blog to need to pound half of you like a Texan fence post oh yea

    Like

  104. This was perfect. Thank you.

    Like

  105. Best. App. Ever.

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted Election Update: The Aftermath.

  106. “I feel a thing that on Netflix. My high school self is another day, another key word to you for all when.”

    Well it’s not wrong, I’ll grant you that.

    Like

  107. LOL! Considering that I tweet in English and Spanish, this is a bit confusing:
    “Too cool… Photographs of destruction. tenemos esperanzas entonces de las elecciones. Qué dias abren?” (Rough translation: We have hope about elections, then. Which days are they open?).

    P.S.: This is about elections in Venezuela, my home country. May or may not apply to the USA.

    Like

  108. I can’t believe how perfectly they have you pegged! Lol. I absolutely love the idea that you have a special knife just for stabbing. I just use the first one I can grab.

    Like

  109. Feeling compelled to try this link for myself, I quickly realize my tweets are congealed messes when combined together and I use too many emojis.[sheepish grin]
    ex. “Yes! I blame you in comments earlier. Too excited. ;D Srsly, hope it’s lots of syrup ;D Cool Patrol -!” “Got time hunting for upcoming S4 FNAF sis. location! ;D just won’t listen! ; fun gameplay for the street?” and a lot of talk of The Sims, like “Yep, because I’m driving here! ;P girl, the Lord for sounding like James Turner aka lilsimsie she has.” (which is an oddly funny mash-up if one gets the references, otherwise it’s just weird AF. ha-ha).

    Like

  110. Aren’t those just the titles of your last few blog posts?

    Like

  111. OMG so awesome! So definitely YOU! My 1st next tweet was terrible, but I don’t mind my 2nd: My dinner looks pretty fucking cool for free? W ME? for STEALING cash from assisted living 2 pay them.

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted And the Reviews Keep On Comin'!.

  112. Took 20+ tries but I finally got one that doesn’t directly say anything about drinking/beer. “Y’all, the Queen Level 44′ badge on I believe everything right direction y’all, the ‘Wheel of the Free!”

    Joke’s on them, ” Level 44’ badge” and “Wheel of the Free!” are both beer references.

    Like

  113. Most of my “next tweets” don’t make sense, but one of them said (between fragments of German):
    “I hope Wil got emotionally attached to the word vagina”o_O

    This one seems to be political, but I’m not sure what I’m trying to say:
    “Probably time is stuck somewhere in ten minutes… Hiding from the president named after Johnny Cash, so?”

    This probably means I shouldn’t even try to become a film star:
    “OMG I never look like being in many other films. Oops.. I’ll have been cancelled. Noooo. 😞 I went to my!”

    And:
    “In assembler code w/ binary numbers. Because of NIMH 1 + my desk right now I need a kangaroo hovering!”
    My desk is pretty messy right now, so… yes, that kangaroo better be hovering above it.

    Like

  114. TGFO (Thank God for Otters)!

    Like

  115. I want to thank you from the bottom of my newly-cheered heart for posting “Today is cancelled and full of hot goat hair.” I just laughed to the point of whooping for a solid minute and a half at that and I am actually going to adopt this phrase in real life.

    My own results are a bit more dada –

    We should check out of my father, like this. I was elected. I will be true any more. Here’s more. Here’s!
    If you are purple Skittles? Yeah, you’re not get a coke hit?….

    ‘ Are we heard from space. good eggs.

    God, why Gen-Xers are up all the same thing.
    My family’s been funnier. NO NO NO DON’T JINX THIS!

    Like

    KWadsworth recently posted Now What.

  116. I laughed the hardest at: SMELLS LIKE THEY’RE BALD DOWN THERE, RIGHT?
    It made me think of the gym.
    Today is the first (and likely the only) time I’ve ever been sad that I don’t use Twitter because I would have loved to get one of those word scrambles of my very own.

    Liked by 1 person

  117. “This is probably pubes ” pretty much sums up 2016 for me.

    I got this:
    Vaginas are in a car with 3 teenage boys, I’m not read let’s pretend this never happened by #trustissues

    So…… it’s clear I’ve read your book. And have a vagina.

    Like

    Meg Falconer-Robinson recently posted I’ll pass on the Orange Shake thanks..

  118. “I told my boss about a giant poo I saw”. It’s my tweet and unfortunately it’s true.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted Another Magazine Christmas, The US Election True Colours.

  119. Oh wait–I didn’t realize there was a link. Aside from my real tweet, the link gave me some random thing about the Supreme Court, then “Next Hallowe’en–raccoons “. Sounds also possible.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted Another Magazine Christmas, The US Election True Colours.

  120. “VICTOR FUCKED SHIT UP IN THE DEMON. MAKE TINY MERKINS INSTEAD.” Love it! These are all very funny, but this one is somehow just… The images it brings to mind. Wow.
    Hey, Jenny, where else can I buy your first book (cd) besides Amazon? I’m looking for the cd version but on Amazon the cheapest is $75.

    Like

  121. Now I wish I had a Twitter account. Thanks for the laughs.

    Like

  122. You are NOT balls. And I am sure you smell very nice.

    I’m not comfortable with the idea that I could be replaced so easily by an app. But I guess the future holds what it holds.

    Like

    becomingcliche recently posted A Candidate I Can Get Behind.

  123. 124
    Danielle Wolf

    LADIES AND NEAR-VELOCIRAPTORS: NO ONE’S TAKING AWAY OUR TREBUCHET.

    I think this will be my new motto.

    Like

  124. 125
    Victoria Read

    Like

  125. You are amazing, we almost stopped breathing from laughing and I think I’m going to have to address groups as “Ladies and Near-Velociraptors” from now on.

    Like

  126. “I include booze with my resignation.”
    Nothing I purposely write will ever be that perfect.

    Like

  127. ‘#fuckpants forever’ because amiright?

    Like

    Mila recently posted Israel: because repetition makes it perfect 2.

  128. Took forever to get complete sentences, and then I had to sift out ones that looked like twisted flirting attempts by non-English speakers. Here’s what I ended up with:

    You’ve never known about it. 1500 people go for help but that’s it. It’s like a bizarre culinary legacy.

    Yes. So much adult clubs around under intense discomfort/crisis threat situations. GAK!!!!!!!! Relatable?

    She was comfy for something to walk, but only has found that wording ominous rather than inspirational?

    The Hobbit and I take full responsibility for every awkward stranger interaction where my friend is!

    Like

  129. Baaaaasically me on sleeping meds.

    “Bus going up your nails?!?! I have a cry went up in a while. New Star Wars title: Attack of the crosswalk?”

    “Behold, it snoweth. Yea, royally. I don’t get het up your magic powers and it’s late herp derp. is out.”

    Like

  130. That is the hardest I have laughed since the presidential campaign started. Thank you!!

    Like

  131. Yikes! All of mine come out as a jumbled mess of Danish and English……which is exactly what The Viking and I are. Soooo……it’s totally appropriate…..even if it doesn’t make any sense.

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Without a Blood Offering We’re Screwed.

  132. “I saw a demon. This guy has zero chill.” This is surprisingly accurate.

    Liked by 1 person

  133. “DUCKS. MOTHERFUCKER.” Sounds like copyright infringement…

    Like

  134. Rolling with laughter! Thank you for this, Jenny. Social media is terrifying and maddening these days.
    On an unrelated note, I joined one of those Facebook gift exchange things where you send a gift to a stranger, except this was a book exchange. I just ordered your first book and sent it to someone I don’t know. I hope she loves it as much as I do.

    Like

  135. Mark Hamill!!! I love love! You really need to Feel Awesome by Doing Very Little I really need to say.

    I’ll take it!🙂

    Like

  136. This was amazing. Also, my feed wasn’t very fruitful because I’ve mainly been retweeting people this election cycle but I now have a new game feeding in celebrity twitter handles.

    Like

  137. Yeah, not a SINGLE one of mine has made sense so far.

    Example:

    “Like no less than night by this are David S and prize and community events b/c yes. I hope you guys.”

    “That mug 😍 these jokes never get old. 🍻 need is only livable when it was open! driving around for Gary?”

    “Having all those posters woot! That one on bags only. Bottle swap, maybe?! I’d like gay man and Florida!”

    HELP IM PEEING WITH LAUGHTER.

    Like

  138. Oh, I so needed this today. Thank you so much for making my world both brighter and weirder. 🙂

    Like

  139. I got this and it’s oh so appropriate! “Trying to start again …. I am trying not to talk about on my kids are making me insane. I am trying not!”

    Like

  140. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed that laugh. I was wondering if we should check to see if Sedaris was alright when that little duck needing the sex dungeon sent me into fits of giggling.

    Like

  141. “Ducks. Motherfucker.” …this wins the internet

    Like

  142. Unrelated but it’s wrong to more calories overall. = John – thinks there should be OK. And each of time!

    Like

    Jenny Bristol recently posted NaNoWriMo Begins!.

  143. I think you should check out goatguidance.com to help figure out your next text. Just sayin’.

    Like

  144. This was my favorite: “They call me…Thick Crust Pizza.”

    Like

    The Suzzzz recently posted European Odyssey - Part 4: Mussels in Brussels.

  145. This one is pretty good too: “Excited for late night dog walking, tiny thought.We fear a year, I was actually space trash falling to?”

    Like

    The Suzzzz recently posted European Odyssey - Part 4: Mussels in Brussels.

  146. Reading abstracts for this what he could not surprised at only reply: Awwww. That’s kind of their feet.

    Like

  147. My favorite is: I DRESS UP AND I’M…JESUS. lol

    Like

  148. I HAVE RUINED MY PROBLEMS needs to be your next book title.

    Like

  149. Last year old meth addicts can’t they age, it was going to explode. ; I knew it’s deep enough. I was!

    Like

  150. What’s with the sudden ducks?

    Like

  151. Ok I had to google “merkins”…

    FUCK MY VIRGIN SENSIBILITIES ALL TO HELL

    Like

  152. 153
    potato queen

    I love the fact that any number of yours I would totally believe you wrote yourself. Struggling mightily all week and finally remembered where to turn: here. Love you, Jenny.

    Like

  153. I don’t really have a twitter, so I plugged in @CDCSTD

    “DYK how to improve your fingertips visit & young to help w/common questions! NEW! And Your Patients.”

    “Talk w/patients about ocular eyeball) syphilis< & put to use condoms the 1st prenatal visit &?”

    “Mycoplasma genitalium is simple to slow resistance & bisexual men! Mycoplasma genitalium is included?”

    “R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Test for Use Lowdown on the rise in w/this –> URL Screen pregnant for each other! Know!”

    “Half of sexually active high schoolers declined but so did use this great resource for on the newest?”

    Like

  154. I really like all your blogs.. thank you

    Like

    Leslie Anne Franklin recently posted I WAS BULLIED AT SCHOOL.

  155. Seriously? Twitter is so hard that it needs to be outsourced to a random generator? …on the other hand, it is wittier than most tweets by actual people. Which is sad. So thank you, I am now sad for a better reason than I was on November 9.

    Like

  156. Okay, and, there are some words I just really don’t need to know. Please. Trebuchet is fine, not talking about our friend the trebuchet.

    Like

  157. Well. This started perfect and devolved into madness:
    Absinthe + rocket launcher = relentless pursuit Embrace the past video about Are we see?

    Like

  158. My favorite: “This pretty much sums up to travel by Slamming the moment Earth is rising. Let’… It’s basicall… It feels!”

    Like

  159. I need this in my life today, very hard: “TODAY IS CANCELLED AND FULL OF HOT GOAT HAIR.”

    Like

  160. Love the internet’s interpretation of stuff. It’s like the internet has its own language.

    Like

    Mona recently posted 5 Tips on how to win at life.

  161. Jenny, I saw this and immediately thought of you: https://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=UNsEinjNvMU.

    Like

  162. I don’t tweet much, so I was surprised to get such an inspired post, “Hopefully your last night too. Sending positive thoughts your last night too. Sending positive thoughts!”

    Like

  163. Hilarious! I tried and got: “Recently On The Great Underwater Debate Possibly the GOP fractures, ditches the anxiety at Hollywood!”

    Like

    TechyDad (@TechyDad) recently posted The Great Ghost Thief Giveaway.

  164. “I’d like to report a husband enabler”. Thanks Jenny for helping me get through this. You rock!

    Like

  165. “Happy Birthday Jenny! Have a nation. Help Let’s get to be a nice way too comfortable with a snuggle. ME!”

    Like

  166. My pregnancy with comics. First episode launches in 30 mins! https:/… Ah. Sad. Still, avoiding news.

    Like

  167. Also this one: Have chocolate cake. Nothing is easier. Good morning. You are stunning. Use your audience. If you ….

    Like

  168. Thanks for making cry of laughter in the waiting room of a doctor’s practice. 😂

    Like

  169. Thanks for the laughs!! My favorite: “We need a sacrifice to make things worse.”

    Like

  170. “This is patently unconstitutional. The president swears to get these kids some new books. Yay Cool Idea.”

    Like

  171. I have but one fuck to give…and this is not the time.

    Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. Cheesy Pleasy Stabby Exanguinate-y.

    Rage against the lying of the right.

    Liked by 1 person

  172. Phooey, mine aren’t even in the language I post in.

    Like

  173. “As are the roadie jack Mustache Sally Pull It Killing me hooked on Walking Dead Friday thanks to bed.”

    Well I am hooked on The Walking Dead, but that’s on Sunday, not Friday. The rest is a total fucking mystery.

    Like

    Arionis recently posted I Can Make Just About Anything Dirty.

  174. Thank you! I got these:
    “Wow – I got permission to make parts files for every tweet or retweet using the power of hermit crab.”
    “Happy – lots of audiobook by Neil Gaiman – heh the character tweets : Wow – – – you weigh a database.”
    “You’re a chorus! Who can resist a Tesla owner test driving a little old lady who are supposed to shut up?”

    Like

  175. “I am not balls” is maybe my new favorite sentence.

    Like

  176. This makes me want to create a twitter account just so I can download this app. Stomache hurts from laughing so hard. You are sooo my people.

    Like

  177. I crying I’m laughing so hard, but this one is my favorite: I SAW A DEMON. THIS GUY HAS ZERO CHILL.

    Like

    Lisa A recently posted Been Thinking.

  178. If you really want some fun, put in Trump’s Twitter handle.

    “Thank you & support. Lets Join me in the criminal investigation announcement on urban renewal. Full.”

    Like

  179. Here’s one of mine:

    “Just what her appointment could mean abandoning vulnerable folks didn’t know that bullying doesn’t work?”

    And one of Trump’s:

    “‘Join me live in prison for change is he has 900+ wins, many championships and want to Grand Rapids, Iowa?”

    Like

  180. I am dying of laughter at these manufactured tweets. I am at my sons parent/teacher conference. I am that inappropriate parent!

    Like

  181. “Excited to the Supreme Court! After all, Viagra & Penis Pumps are people, but evacuating 88,000 in.”

    Like

  182. “PSN down: Gamers report problems with a vagina. Thunder, or the interwebs?”

    Like

  183. I’m still dealing with election grief plus a lot of personal stuff. This gave me a much needed belly laugh. As always, thank you.

    Like

  184. Once again, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! Thank you!!!!

    Like

  185. OMG this is great. The best one from my twitter handle is:

    Lol. Well that’s disappointing! You can’t deface 4,000yo archaeological sites.… Ugh that’s the suburbs?

    Like

  186. Jenny, I love you more than words can say. Whenever I need something to cheer me up and make me laugh like an idiot I know you will be there for me. And lord knows I need a good laugh right now.
    Some of mine:
    -This country is a weird mutation.
    -Tumors are shooting off fireworks. Not enough time last night at all.
    -I got some pikachu ears I want to cook with. Theyre better as decorations than food.
    My husband’s:
    -See, thats bullshit. This is appropriate now. Coffee wasteland.
    -Surprise! You have no fucks… My day has trouble rendering.
    -Hah! Yes, fun stuff for saying stupid shit. Just drink.

    Like

  187. I don’t exist. You’re probably looking for Prepare to be offended.

    Like

  188. Ha! Ha! I love them all!

    Like

  189. First of all, “I HAVE RUINED MY PROBLEMS” needs to be on a T-shirt, like, yesterday.

    Mine?

    Parents have a conference of gets a mo I don’t the airport. Or twenty. Or twenty. Or twenty. Or work.

    followed by….

    Today’s edition of Home Depot. HAHAHAHA THIS happens. Say… June was a registration?

    I believe this app thinks I’m a half-melted snowman.

    Like

    KatieComeBack recently posted Performance-Enhancing Slugs.

  190. […] running out of ideas you can always check out Yes, That Can Be My Next Tweet. It’s also Bloggess approved. (and if you’ve never read her blog, you really should… unless you’re super put […]

    Like

  191. Did you just break the internet because this is the best. Post. Ever.
    Bahahahhahahaahahahhha

    Like

  192. I especially liked your, WE NEED A SACRIFICE TO MAKE THINGS WORSE. That kind of says it all. Thanks

    Like

  193. “Pickin strawberries… okay not female, an adult, as an all-new episode of love you want to be!”

    Like

  194. Hey 10 minute headways on Brntwd Rd? I’ve asked and Florida. Same as Friday. Still sounds like a dumpster?

    The beginning of that doesn’t make much sense, but I’m certain Florida still sounds like a dumpster.

    Like

  195. Oh jeez…

    H8 on New customers get $20 off! Use code: WEEKENDSIT20 Need a hygiene emergency. Also OOS most.

    H8 was not intended as the internet slang, but it really works! Also, that’s a valid Rover discount code, feel free to use (works with any sitter and I get no credit for you using it, but I like to help people out).🙂

    Like

  196. I am dying, this post is exactly what I needed today and my boyfriend thinks I’m demented because he fails to see the wonders of it. Clearly, someone is wrong and it’s not me.

    Like

  197. This is this is now I need to all day. Work hard, play harder. may need to win a cow raisin. Oatmeal!

    (I’m assuming cow raisin = beef jerky. If so, I’m in.)

    Like

  198. Will someone go away. Y’all want some mittens. Hey is a Disney princess. Dreams crushed. Also, Bagels!

    Apparently I tweet about food a lot.

    Like

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