Possibly the weirdest thing I ever got in the mail and that’s really saying something

Yesterday I picked up my mail from my post office box and it was mainly books and bills and sweet letters and strange, lovely gifts but there was one box that sort of stood out because it was enormous and inside was a single piece of paper with the words “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” written out of torn magazine letters like a ransom note:

kkmf

And under it was an enormous sloth.  Or maybe a sasquatch.  Or a slothsquatch, which I’m not sure exists but totally should.

"Please play with me. Or euthanize me."

Um…what?

He had long poles coming out of his hands and his legs were long enough to wear as a scarf (not that you’d want to) and he looked at me with such longing.  “Pick me up,” he seemed to say. Or maybe “Put me out of my misery.”  It’s hard to tell.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH LADIES.

DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH LADIES.

And I realized that it was a very old, highly used, full-body puppet.  The kind where you strap yourself to its feet so it walks when you walk and of course I put it on immediately and I was like, “VICTOR, DID YOU GET ME AN ANNIVERSARY SLOTH MONKEY?  BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY NAILED IT” but he didn’t respond so I yelled “IT SMELLS WEIRD THOUGH.  IS IT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE A LIVE SLOTH?  OR A DEAD ONE?”  And then he said something from his office that I later found out something about being on a conference call but I couldn’t hear him because he was yell-whispering and my ears were too full of excitement so I was like, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. I CAN’T COME TO YOU BECAUSE I’M STRAPPED TO THIS SLOTH AND HIS FEET ARE ALL SLIPPERY.  ALSO, THE CATS FUCKING HATE THIS GUY.”  Because they did and they were hiding under the couch and I was like, “I CAN’T TELL IF THIS A SLOTH OR A SASQUATCH?  DID YOU BUY ME A USED ‘SQUATCH TO WEAR?” and he was walked out of his office and was like, “JESUS CHRIST I AM ON A CONFERENCE CALL SO COULD YOU PLEASE-” and then he stopped talking because he noticed I was wearing a sloth (or maybe a chimpanzee?) and I paused for a second to judge if he was mad that I’d opened my gift too early, but the stunned look on his face told me that he hadn’t bought the slothsquatch at all so I tried to dance some of the awkwardness out of the moment by making Mr. Noodles sing the Copacabana song.  (I named the sloth/monkey Mr. Noodles because his appendages are so noodly.  Also, spellcheck is telling me that “noodly” isn’t a word because apparently spellcheck has never seen this noodly motherfucker.)

THIS SLOTHSQUATCH ONESIE DOESN'T FIT ME BUT IT'S A GOOD DANCER.

THIS SLOTHSQUATCH ONESIE DOESN’T FIT ME BUT IT’S A GOOD DANCER.

Mr. Noodles is made of awesome.  And possibly some horror and whimsy.  And maybe some dead cats or skinned muppets.  Hard to tell.  He speaks in a high-pitched, kinda nasally  british accent and when I dance with him it’s like if Weekend at Bernie’s replaced the dead guy with an anorexic sasquatch.

"Hellooooooo!"

“Hellooooooo!”

Then I spent most of the day posing Mr. Noodles in all the rooms of the house or jumping out of the bushes at the neighborhood kids so they could have a sasquatch sighting and then Victor got on a plane and left Texas.  But he was already planning on leaving for work so it’s not like he was fleeing.  Probably.

I'M GOING TO PET YOUR DOG...INSIDE MY STOMACH.

I’M GOING TO PET YOUR DOG…INSIDE MY STOMACH.

I still don’t know who sent it to me but I think it was my friend, Neurotic Owl.  The return address is “BASEMENT UNDER THE OPERA”.  I have a weird life.  And a slothsquatch named Mr. Noodles.  I feel like I’m winning at life today.

UPDATED: Video, as requested…CLICK HERE.

227 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You and Mr. Noodles are both winning at life today, definitely.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I laughed out loud when I pictured Victor’s expression when he saw the slothsquatch. And now I have Copacabana stuck in my head. 🙂

    Liked by 6 people

    Sue recently posted My Lego ideas was Accepted!.

  3. Hahaha! you get the best gifts.🙂 I think this is some sort of monkey.(?) I especially like the flower behind its ear.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Best gift ever. I wish I got gifts like that. How is Beyonce doing given the knock knock introduction?

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. Love this! And it brought you such joy, as it would anyone.

    Like

  6. You must have the best friends ever! BTW, I totally love the dead animal heads on the wall with tophats. I might have to copy that.

    Like

  7. That is terrifyingly awesome. Slightly horrible and magnificent all at once. I have only one question, interestingly enough: how are you so sure it’s a boy slothsquatch? I mean, with the flower and all, couldn’t it just as easily be a girl?

    Liked by 3 people

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  8. Hahahahaha this made my day. “Knock knock motherfucker”

    Like

  9. You know, I don’t think you’re supposed to dance with it. I think the legs wrap around your waist, and they you use the “ski poles” to animate the animal (sort of like Wayland and Madame), you know? But… I’d freak out a little if I received a note like that in the mail!!

    Like

  10. Pretty sure it’s Neurotic Owl because there’s an owl on that KNOCK KNOCK card, that is the exact owl on the logo of that site. #math

    Also, fun gift!

    Liked by 1 person

    Liz @ Yes/No Films recently posted Review: Noodles & Company, Macomb, MI {and enter to win Noodles for a YEAR! Ends 12/12}.

  11. i totally heard mr. noodles saying “HELLOOOOOOO” in mrs. doubtfire’s voice so he must be very good at character acting.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Mr Noodles needs a brother Mr Noodles played by Michael Jeter. http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/The_Noodle_Family

    Like

  13. That last photo is GOLD. I think that needs to be a greeting card. I’d send that to my frenemies.

    Liked by 2 people

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted 2016 just can’t end fast enough.

  14. Damn! I’m jealous! I think all I’m getting for a Christmas gift is slippers. Though I did ask for fuzzy ones so maybe there’s some hope I’ll get squatchslippers in the end.

    Like

  15. And I thought clowns were scary.

    Like

  16. He looks absolutely terrifying, but in that GOOD way. You could earn some extra cash busking with him!

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 113: Highway of Hell, Titus and I Watch the National Dog Show Again.

  17. Also, the story of “Knock, knock motherfucker” still cracks me up to this day. If I’m ever feeling bad, I whisper it to myself. So, thank you for that, Jenny.🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Umm, somehow, I can’t think of a single thing to say.

    Like

  19. I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read this or my tasty beverage would now be all over my monitor. That is fantastical! And a bit creepy. But mostly noodly amazeballs.😀 Two thumbs up!

    Like

  20. Also? I LOVE THAT CHAIR! (I have a thing for chairs. I can’t explain it.)

    Like

  21. Thank you for making me smile on a dreary rainy day!!!

    Like

  22. Thank you so much for sharing Mr. Noodles with us. This was by far the ABSOLUTE BEST and FUNNIEST thing I read/heard today. I hope that you share more of your slothsquatch’s adventures with all of us in the future because I love how this made me laugh so hard that my co-workers thought I was having a fit in my cube.

    Like

  23. I’m gonna send knock knock motherfucker cards instead of Christmas cards this year.

    Liked by 3 people

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  24. I suspect my mail will not be this exciting when I get home. We had some weird muppet version of Mr. Noodles as kids. The monkey paws (made for wishes!) Velcroed so the monkey could hang off you and then there was the usual hand/puppet butt situation.

    Like

    kstewand4cats recently posted Cy-purr Monday .

  25. Jesus Christ, you mail is SO much better than mine.:-/

    Like

    Daddy Scratches recently posted The post in which I take a deep breath and try to pull my shit together.

  26. “your,” even. (Thank you, OCD.)

    Like

  27. That’s just horrible, disturbing… and AWESOME!

    Like

  28. You’re Alice and Dorothy in one. Archetypal Jenny!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. 29
    Jenni (aka Sassypants)

    That first pic shows how glamorous the like of a slothsquatch actually is….

    Like

  30. Thank you for making a belly laugh explode out of my body. I needed that today.🙂

    Like

  31. …The Phantom of the Opera send you a Sasquatchsloth. I need your life.

    Liked by 2 people

  32. That is the face of a slothsquatch who has seen some things.

    Liked by 1 person

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  33. SWEET MERCY! Your Victor does know how to make you feel… special. I sometimes get my wife an avocado, but will have to add the ransom note calling her a motherfucker. Priceless!

    Liked by 2 people

    badparentingweb recently posted The Unbearable Surrealness of Reality.

  34. I am so very jealous. My mail consists of bills and life insurance offers; never slothsquaches.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I think we all won with this slothsquatch, actually. Except Victor.

    Like

    Elyse recently posted Sometimes, I’m Passive Aggressive.

  36. If it is indeed a sloth, its missing it’s classic nails…and that makes me sad. I love sloths, my spirit animal is a sloth, especially now that I have my medical mj card and can smoke freely, I’ve become steps closer to actually becoming one myself. Not in a slovenly way of course, but in a way that allows me to lay around, being goofy and cute…ask Mr. Noodly, if he is a sloth, he will be able to tell you all about what it’s like being sloth-like (I may or may not be high right now, (I am)) Can you do parentheses inside of parentheses? If not, I just totally made it a thing. Take that!

    Like

  37. I also love Dorothy Barker’s patient expression.

    Like

  38. I completely 100% want him so badly. Whoever sent that to you is a genius.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. If I got something like that in the mail, I’m not sure I would ever get my mail again!! That being said, you could put a Santa hat on him and use him on your Christmas cards … !

    Like

  40. This post is so full of awesome goodness that I can’t even BEGIN to list them. Or maybe I could. Except that I have to get back to work before my boss (me) fires her only employee (me). #LeSigh

    Like

    Mona recently posted When somebody sends you dead body parts that turn into a nice surprise.

  41. That is awesome

    Like

  42. 42
    Robert in Chicago

    Serious question: Why are you so sure that he is a sloth? Face: yes, maybe. Limbs: no. “Slothsquatch” is an awesome name, so it’s a keeper for that reason. But feel free to think more expansively.

    Like

  43. Based on the flower behind its’ ear I’d say it’s Ms. Noodles! 😉

    Like

  44. Nobody ever sent me a slothsquatch. Thanks Obama.

    Liked by 2 people

  45. 45
    Ella Melioris

    im your biggest fan and you keep me from suiside

    >

    Liked by 2 people

  46. Love it!

    Like

  47. I suppose some has to have the kind of life you do, and I’m glad it’s you and not me. I just don’t have room for all the accessories. Pretty sure I don’t need to tell you to enjoy the slothsquatch🙂

    Like

  48. Mr. Noodles is equal parts awesome and terrifying sooooooo, yeah – perfect.

    Like

  49. Mr Noodles totally needs a top hat 🎩

    Liked by 1 person

  50. Yeah…the owl on the ransom note is a big clue

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Quirky, but cute.

  51. Ha ha ha. This is epic! I love Mr Noodles! He is flippin big. I have never seen such a thing which is sad. The world needs more giant slothsquaches.

    Like

  52. He didn’t look that big in the chair pictures. And then I saw the one of you strapping him to you and I had a moment of ‘This is gonna be in my nightmares tonight’. But now I’m kinda like ‘well, as long as I pretend that it’s smaller in my head, he’s kinda cute.’

    Like

  53. I think the very BEST thing about Mr. Noodles is that he is so secure in his masculinity that he is not afraid to wear a bright red flower in his fur, in fact he wears it with such insouciance, I think it should be a thing. Or something like a thing. Best gift ever.

    Like

  54. Jenny this post totally made my day. I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack for two days and this somehow made that feeling diminish.

    Like

  55. I wish my mail was this exciting! (Note to self: change return address labels to something more interesting. Like, 20,000 leagues under the sea.)

    Like

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  56. Your life is an adventure.

    Like

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  57. It was indeed Neurotic Owl who sent it, and I’m proud to say I encouraged her to do so and helped come up with the ransom note idea!! Eeeeeeee!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  58. You get the best gifts. 😁

    Like

  59. Hot damn – you took your sloth and made slothade! Totally awesome – you and the team:)

    Like

  60. Also? I think your comment section would be 147% more fun if you installed the plugin that lets us reply to each other. I need to banter with your smart/crazy/awesome/fun tribe members. WAAAYYY more awesome than YouTube commenters. Sweet baby Ray on a popsicle, those will drive you to yoink your eyeballs out with a melon baller.
    (I said, “baller.” Hi, I’m 12.)

    Liked by 2 people

  61. If I ever received a box like that, I’d probably be having the bomb squad opening it, so you are A Brave Person.

    Also, “ears filled with excitement” is my new favorite phrase.

    And I am very amused that Victor isn’t considered a flight risk.

    Like

  62. It was totally me and you have defied all my hopes and dreams for the puppet formerly known as Rosita!

    Liked by 1 person

  63. That is the best gift in the history of the world. I want friends like yours. My husband would have the same exact look on his face. Only he doesn’t really travel for business so he’d be stuck here with us. Excellent.

    Like

    Cass Steger recently posted feeling all the things.

  64. Mr. Noodles has got to be awesome, if Victor had to leave the freaking STATE to get away from it!! (And yeah, like I believe he really had a work assignment already planned ahead of time….NOT. He just happens to be psychic. He SENSED something was coming….way ahead.) I’d definitely start using Victor’s psyche for a baromo-weirdo-meter thing….

    Like

  65. Well, I’m torn because, on the one hand, I am thrilled that you are thrilled. You have wonderful friends who know what you like and that is awesome. On the other thing, that thing is going to haunt my dreams tonight.

    Like

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  66. Best post ever. Mr. Noodles scared the crap out of me. Poor victor

    Like

  67. Wait, poorly stated — substitute ‘outdone’ for ‘defied’. I’m excited, is what I’m saying here.

    Like

  68. I think people call Victor on conference calls just to hear you in the background because 1) his coworkers should really know better, 2) your critter collection growth rate merits international spy investigations, and 3) no one would believe it unless they heard it first hand. I suspect there’s a waiting list to be on a call with him just to get to listen in for your escapades. Mr. Noodles is charming and needs a top hat, wire rims and bow tie.

    Liked by 1 person

  69. I do hope you get to the bottom of this mystery. It is very important to know if this came from a friend or an enemy. From the look of him, it could go either way.

    Like

    becomingcliche recently posted Breitbart Got It Right.

  70. I am so jealous! I never get anything good in my mail, but I can always think of this when I need a chuckle!

    Like

  71. I think he might be a gay, sloth/monkey/smelly squach, with that flower behind his ear. He’s quite tall isn’t he? I think with Victor out of town, you and Mr. Noodles need to go out on the town!

    Like

  72. I legit was laughing so hard I was crying and choking at the same time. O my god, death by bloggess.

    Liked by 1 person

  73. The return address makes me suspect it is some sort of monkey. Phantom of the Opera- monkey that plays a drum on the music box… once a theatre geek always a theatre geek.

    Like

  74. I need to sign my Christmas Cards with Knock Knock Motherfucker. It is very festive.

    Like

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  75. I’m pretty sure it’s a monkey or a monksquatch or a saskey. The first thing I thought, though, was, “I hope it doesn’t have a bug in it,” as in listening device, not insect. Although it could have both. Have you frisked it for both electronic and living fleas???

    Like

  76. Dorothy Barker meets a proper English-slothsquatch! That last photo is perfecto! I can’t stop guffawing!!!

    Like

  77. […] The thing is, I have a small apartment and a large cat and just couldn’t come up with a reason I needed to keep the puppet then known as Rosita.  Then I remembered that I know someone who delights in the weird and lovely and somewhat offputting, so I boxed her up in the most disturbing way possible and mailed her to The Bloggess. […]

    Liked by 3 people

  78. An anonymous gift like that would scare the effffing hiccups out of me, but it seems like it was sent to you under friendly circumstances and seems to go quite well with your eclectic decorating tastes! Let the puppet show begin!
    PS. Just be glad its not a clown! xo

    Like

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  79. Jenny, this wins the internet today. It WINS it. I am telling you.

    Liked by 1 person

  80. And we’re back to laughing our asses off. Thank you.

    Like

  81. Why was my first instinct to search for opera plots with monkeys? Monkey See, Monkey Do:
    http://www.robertxavierrodriguez.com/infosheets/monkeysee.html

    Like

  82. I work at a hospital and I read this on my lunch break while sitting in the cafeteria. People paused as they passed by my table to ensure I did not require medical attention because I was laughing so hard – people thought I was actually dying!! I was, but of laughter!!

    OMG…this is one of the best things I have ever read!! Hahaha. Fuck I love you, Jenny Lawson! My world is so much brighter with you in it!

    Like

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  83. All I want for Christmas is to hear the conversations of the people on the other side of Victor’s conferences calls after one of these exchanges.

    Like

  84. This made me laugh so hard I nearly lost my Tootise Pop.

    Like

  85. Addendum to my previous comment: I think it’s a gibbon but the name combos aren’t as funny as the one you came up with!

    Like

  86. ABSOLUTELY a win. Also, TheEngineer ended a phone call with his boss today by saying “my bosslady needs to talk to me, so I need to get off the phone.” His boss knows me and knows I don’t interrupt work time, so he just laughed.

    Yay for noodly slothchimps!!

    Like

  87. Has Mr. Noodles met Nicole Squidman yet? I bet that would be epic.

    Like

  88. I’m thinking it’s a big ass spider monkey, a big ass creepy mother effin spider monkey.

    Like

  89. You had to go and say it was the weirdest thing you have ever gotten in the mail. Now people know where the mark is, and will try and top that. Oh boy….

    Like

  90. A completely different kind of “strap on.” (I’m sorry, apparently I’m 12 today.)

    Like

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  91. Oh Jenny, you have such a strange followings! I had a hand puppet once but it ward out

    Like

  92. 93
    Sandra/Wynterose

    Thank you so much for making my day! AGAIN! My Imuran was dragging me down and the docs think I have a virus in my head and chest but gave me antibiotics for my eyes that have the same gunk coming out of them as my nose and throat. I was frustrated with the doctors and frumping around the house until now. Your full body picture with Mr Noodles made me LOL without coughing!❤❤❤ Kudos to Victor for taking pictures of you as well! {hugs}

    Like

  93. Yay!
    You did it again!
    Or.
    Somebody did it to you again and we got to see, too!
    Yay!
    Best lunch break!

    Like

  94. This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve seen in a long time. I needed this. THANK YOU.

    Like

  95. My god, you live an exciting life!

    Like

  96. This was fan-fucking-tastic. I laughed myself silly, and really needed that, so thank you.

    Like

  97. So Winning!!!

    Like

  98. Have the cats warmed up to Mr. Noodles?

    Like

  99. This story is pure Jenny Lawson. Love it!

    Like

  100. That’s just so fucking you. I love it.

    Like

  101. That is a jaunty motherfucking flower in his/her slothsquatch hair.

    Like

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  102. Ok, first the part that made me LOL was “draw me like one of your french ladies” hehehe

    then, I think Mr Noodles is a monkey, a girl monkey

    and, you need to make costumes for her!

    Liked by 1 person

  103. I’m doing this thing where I write down three good things that happened today. Slothsquatch and the dance I pictured him doing is totally going on the list. Thank you for a bright spot in an otherwise dark day.

    Like

  104. You have the best friends. This is so awesome and so incredibly appropriate for you.

    Like

  105. I love that one of my favorite authors has the same Restoration Hardware chair and very similar taste to myself!

    Like

  106. It totally was Neurotic Owl…at the bottom under neath “Knock Knock Motherfucker” is a smallish drawing of an owl. And Mr. Noodles is totally awesome. He needs a bowler hat though.😀

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted The least wonderful time of the year.

  107. Holy Moly!! The Slothsquatch is horribly amazing but I got distracted by the Wild Boar hanging on the wall behind you. Nice Top Hat. I think I need a Top Hat. And a monocle and a cane. Wait…..nope….it’s just a peanut craving.

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted A Ladder, a Tablet and My Daughter.

  108. Very cool. Hey, I got that same skeleton cat for Halloween that’s in the first pic. Mine looked great in the window, but my cat wasn’t so happy about it taking her spot. Love, love, love that chair! And, is that the same boars head that was in the Royal Tenebaums? But I thought of you when I saw that. Your Sasquatch Sloth Monkey kinda reminds me of the gibbons at the Gibbon Sanctuary in CA. Why they need sanctuary I’ll never know, and why in CA is a mystery.

    Like

  109. This is literally the best thing I’ve seen all day! Thank you so much for sharing…and why do we think she has a flower in her hair? I’m envisioning an opera with Latin dancing…

    Like

  110. “Ears full of excitement”. How. Perfect. Is. That. Phrase. 🌹😍🍸❤️🔥

    Like

  111. That’s a Stephen King novel waiting to happen.

    Liked by 1 person

  112. gwad needed to read this today…had the b*tchest co workers being non helpful….

    Like

  113. That is the foundation of nightmares. If I ever get a random box in the mail, I will have my fingers crossed that it’s a surprise cobra instead of a … that.

    Like

  114. Positively amazing!!!!

    Like

  115. Ugh! Conference calls are the worst!😉 And this was hilarious to read. Also, I would be scared to open an anonymous package – you are brave!

    Like

  116. That may be the most possessed thing you own now. And that is really saying something.

    Liked by 1 person

  117. It’s a giant Cornelius! He wants to hug you. And eat your face, which is much easier now that he’s closer to it.

    Like

  118. My friends sent me the book from the Babadook movie. Apparently it was my birthday present from 2015 and it was a kickstarter and there may have been a slight delay in the delivery. Best surprise EVER. Your sasquatch-noodle-monkey is awesome too though. ^_^ XXOO

    Like

  119. Mr. Noodles needs to be made into an action figure.

    Like

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  120. Mr. Noodles is awesome!

    Like

  121. Oh, even better, Mr. Noodles needs to be a Bond villain!

    Like

  122. 123
    Sarah_Madison

    This is both the creepiest and coolest thing I’ve ever seen.🙂

    Like

  123. Let the #slothsquatchalypse …

    let the #slothsquatchalooza …

    let the #slothsquatchpialidocious …

    LET IT BEGIN.

    Like

  124. It also looks like the lemur-puppet from “Zoboomafoo” – with the Kratt Brothers! (They also had a real lemur on set.)

    Liked by 1 person

  125. Your post saved me from total heart break today. Thank you ❤️

    Like

  126. It’s Mr Lemur. Pronounced Leeee-muirrrr.

    That’s some right royal nightmare material you got there and I’m dead envious.

    Like

  127. The draw me like one of your French girls pic is the best thing I’ve seen all week. If you don’t give him a Christmas hat, strap him to your body and insist on handing out all of the presents under the tree on Christmas morning that is an opportunity lost. I adore the classification of slothsquatch but after careful consideration I’ve decided he’s an orangutan that had a less than lustrous coat and so he stalked an murdered a lesser snow monkey/baby seal/small dog and now wears its skin as a snood.

    Liked by 1 person

  128. “Blessed by his noodly appendages” is a real line from the Flying Spaghetti Monster page.

    Like

  129. Slothsquatch – that officially needs to be added to the dictionary!!!! Life would be so boring without you Jenny!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  130. OMG, you are too much and so it the Slothsquatch and the person who sent it to you…

    Liked by 1 person

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  131. That thing is HUGE!

    Like

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  132. Oh,Thank You!! I am not sorry, I really love when these things happen to you & you write about them for all of us!! Totally made my day! Thank you!

    Like

  133. Mr. Noodles really should be on your Christmas cards this year. Or maybe Christmas cards we can buy. Or both.

    Like

  134. I. just. peed. And I am wearing my furry monkey onesie at the moment, so it’s kind of a hassle.

    Also, speaking of Muppets, Mr. Noodles would totally have been a perfect fit for this skit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wg_L0wGTyA

    Like

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  135. I like SQUATCH the best. Just wanted to put that out there🙂

    Like

  136. That last picture of your new friend shows that he is used to a sophisticated lifestyle. He urgently needs a martini and possibly a can-can dancer sitting on his knee. Take good care of your sasquatchmonkeysloth and he’ll show you a good time.
    P.s. auto fill kept putting Lloyd at the end of his description. Do they know something we don’t?

    Like

  137. I love Dorothy Barker! She can make friends with anyone (or anything, apparently). Where are your chickenshit cats? Am I the only one who thought your squatchmonkey looked like the Grinch?

    Like

  138. Noodly motherfucker is my new favorite phrase.

    Like

  139. 140
    Diary of a Tipsy Mermaid

    That flower MAKES this slothsquach!

    Like

  140. Creepy and amazeballs at the same time! I can just see you two dancing the tango on the Muppet Show! Awesome!

    Like

  141. You might be the only person in the world who could happily receive a package with a ransom-style “knock knock motherfucker” note.
    🙂

    Like

  142. So how do you determined the “cursed” status on something like this? That could be like 4 monkey paws worth. Can you take it to the pawn shop show? “Best I can do is one cursed monkey’s paw.”

    Like

  143. Aww, girl! Reading this made me laugh so totally out loud!!

    Like

  144. I don’t know how I’d feel about that. Did you ever find out who sent it to you?

    Like

  145. Slothsquatch Noodles would make a kick-ass band name!

    Like

  146. Can I come play with you and Mr. Noodle?? We can have a dance party. Very jelly of your fun gift!

    Like

  147. Thank you. I laughed so hard I sobbed, which I totally needed.

    Like

  148. I love you Jenny ! I totally needed to laugh after the day I’ve had ! I knew reading your blog would help ! I woke up the dog laughing so hard as I was reading ! And I love Mr Noodles ! Thanks Jenny🙂

    Like

  149. Dorothy Barker is one cool customer. Those pictures gave me my day’s delight!

    Like

  150. Victor fucked up. He should have totally taken credit for the slothsquatch. Best.Present.EVER!🙂

    Like

  151. CREEPY AS FUCK!

    Like

  152. Possibly the best thing I have ever seen!

    Like

  153. Whoop! I have been waiting FOREVER for the perfect moment to share this.

    Mr. Noodles has indeed been around the block a time or two. Got his start in vaudeville, picked up a few decent gigs when talkies caught on. In fact, here’s one of them now:

    The Peanut Vendor
    English lyrics by L. Wolfe Gilbert (who was my husband’s great uncle).
    “The English lyrics are, in the opinion of Sublette, of almost unsurpassed banality.”

    Like

  154. Drat.
    Sorry for the double video.
    It’s good, but not THAT good.

    Like

  155. I would have peed my pants upon opening this box…

    Like

  156. sunnuvabitch i literally just straight up pissed myself
    cannot get past
    “and then he stopped talking”

    will let you know when i come up for air
    if you don’t hear by tuesday send help
    ow my face hurts

    Like

  157. What a cutie! 😄

    Like

  158. It has just come to my attention that Mr. Noodles, the last of the great castrati, famously took the stage in Johann Smythe’s deathless operetta, Die Flederlemur, in the role of Rosita, a beautiful young spider monkey forced to sell peanuts by her evil circus trainer. The Met production staged in 1928 is still spoken of in hushed, appalled tones.

    Like

  159. It seems like something the Phantom would have in his lair. Sort of goes with the music box. I can see him, bored in his little cave, dancing around to the music box with that thing strapped on. His cape swirling as he makes the Slothsquatch dance and sing.

    Like

  160. That last photo should be a Christmas card. That’s not a scary Santa at all.
    Meow meow meow

    Like

  161. That just made my day! How freaking awesome!

    Like

  162. Now THIS is really weird. When I looked at your “present” I thought “Sifaka?” which is the species of lemur that was on Zaboomafoo. Then chellebella commented on the somewhat striking resemblance. Also, I am VERY into lemurs, esp the Sifakas. There are videos all over the net featuring these guys as well as regular lemurs. There are, count them, about 103 different species currently and, unfortunately, most are endangered.It is a concern I have taken on and I am trying to bring attention to their plight. It can bring me to tears but thank somebody or something for YOU, Jenny Lawson, and people like you who help me to laugh when I need to. (I also share many of your afflictions, especially depression and anxiety, so I really need this blog and your books.) Don’t ever stop writing!

    Like

  163. 164
    Josepha Kalsbeek

    Kinda looks like a gibbon. But slothsquatch do nicely.😀

    Like

  164. 165
    Doug in Oakland

    Noodly is so a word, as in the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly appendage…

    Like

  165. And, just like that…I have another new blog to read!😉 Love it! https://neuroticowl.com/2016/11/29/the-slothsquatch-has-landed/

    Like

  166. 167
    58chilihed13

    So much to love about this, especially the pain from laughing so hard will haunt me through the day and make me giggle at inappropriate moments as I traverse my work day! Enjoy your new friend, there are so many ways to do that!!!! (PS: I want to be on Neurotic Owl’s mailing list!!)

    Like

  167. In a bizarre convergence of the universe this link was also on my Facebook feed. It looks like your slothsquatch thing. http://www.zooborns.com/zooborns/2016/11/endangered-sifaka-born-at-the-maryland-zoo-.html

    Like

  168. Well, you definitely brought Mr. Noodles out of the misery and brought him back to life! Though I would be slightly frightened if I had to walk in on him sitting in such position like the last pic in the middle of the night;

    But I absolutely enjoy your style of writing!

    Like

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  169. This is basically the best thing ever.

    Like

  170. You, Jenny Lawson, are living the dream.

    Like

  171. You are clearly stronger than I am, because if I’d opened that box, I’d have passed out immediately!

    Like

  172. Sitting in my office at work reading this post and laughing so hard other people are looking at me funny.

    Like

  173. It looks a bit lemur-y and ever so awesome!

    Like

  174. Mr. Noodles is the name of the ramen in Canada.

    Also, this guy is pretty cool.

    Like

  175. So the slothsquatch is awesome, but your smile in these pics? I could feel your happiness. Best part of this post.

    Like

  176. Thank you for making me laugh already this morning

    Like

  177. […] gifts but there was one box that sort of stood out because it was enormous and inside was a … Continue reading → […]

    Like

  178. Your new slothsquatch is amazing, but the best thing of all is his name. We have a Mr. Noodles at our house too – named for Mr. Noodles brother Mr. Noodles of Sesame Street fame (played by Michael Jeter). Our Mr. Noodles is only a fuzzy orange cat though, so I think you got the best end of the deal. Thanks for being awesome and sharing him with us. You make our dreams more… interesting, in all the right ways.

    Also, the phrase “…my ears were filled with excitement” is quite possibly the best phrase I’ve ever read.

    Like

  179. “DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH LADIES.”
    ROFL! That gets a five out of five icebergs rating.

    Like

    Arionis recently posted Turkey Turkey Turkey.

  180. Wait – “basement under the opera?” The Phantom is a neurotic owl? I mean, okay we all knew neurotic (which is putting it really, really kindly), but NOW I get why the mask and cape. Of course Christina is not going to fall for an owl, even she is not that stupid (close though), even an owl with an incredible vocal range of operatic hooting.

    Like

  181. Hilarious post. Thank you Jenny!!🙂

    Like

  182. i’m new here, so i don’t know if you have ever posted a picture
    of victor
    i am hoping you don’t
    because i like to imagine colin firth as playing the part of victor.

    ps. that puppet has an amazing face. i would totally dance the day away if i had a full-sized puppet…wait…i have kids. i can use the kids.

    Like

  183. I really want Victor to write a book telling these same stories from his perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  184. BEST PRESENT EVER. Or at least this week. I dunno, you get (and give) a lot of awesome-weird stuff.

    Like

  185. “draw me like one of your French ladies” AHHH ha ha ha, Oh Jenny….classic

    Liked by 1 person

  186. 187
    Heather in Arles

    You know that weird laugh-cry that comes hiccupping out of you when you are desperate for a laugh? Yep, that one. Thank you so dearly.

    Like

  187. That thing is Deeply Disturbing. Until you get to the last photo, and then it is hilarious and lovable.
    Probably, now, people will be trying to top that for “weirdest thing I ever got in the mail”, so watch out. Your mail might get even stranger. (is that possible?) 🙂

    Like

  188. 189
    Danastasia Beaverhausen

    The fact that you chose Copa Cabana as your music makes me SO HAPPY!

    Like

  189. Please leave the ‘f’ word out and this would be great!!

    Like

  190. Holy shit. I can’t. This is the best post of the day. Thank you for DANCING WITH IT!!

    Also I love the sound of the stick slapping the floor.

    Like

  191. Okay that video just made all the sad today go away. Thanks for being awesome!

    Like

  192. WHY DO I NOT HAVE THIS WONDERMOUS THING?!?

    Like

  193. OMG thank you for this! Dorothy Barker’s look is priceless….”I’m not liking this at all mommy”

    Like

  194. I must have glanced over the word enormous, because when I saw a picture of you wearing it I was like WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. So yeah, that’s some good fanmail right there.

    Like

  195. You win the internet today! This is the best thing I’ve seen all week!!!!

    Like

  196. So apparently you need one more hand!

    Like

  197. What a fetching flower he’s wearing

    Like

    White Girls Be Like recently posted Breaking Up And Binge-Drinking: More Games For Your Solo Cup.

  198. Whenever I’m down I come here because you are made of awesome and you always make me laugh🙂 Thank you Jenny! I did not know I needed a slothsquatch… but I totally did!!

    Like

  199. […] As often happens, something from my fave person on earth Possibly the weirdest thing I ever got in the mail and that’s really saying something | The Bl… […]

    Like

  200. 201
    adrianmmiller

    That is so perfectly disturbing, both the note and Mr noodles himself

    Like

  201. Love this ❤️

    Like

  202. Slothsquatch! I am oddly fond of Mr. Noodles. Not so oddly, I’m fond of the Bloggess.

    Like

  203. This scares me. I showing the kids when they’re up. Mwahaha!

    Like

  204. I love how Mr. Noodles spare rod is tapping on the floor in the video, as if he were dancing with a cane. He’s a regular Fred Astaire.

    Like

  205. I love this soooooo much.

    Like

  206. LOVE love love this🙂

    Like

  207. No words:). And that’s sayin’ something.

    Like

    candidkay recently posted The danger in unused rooms.

  208. Love the video. Thanks!

    (Also that is a huge critter ent he. The pic in the chair was kind of either or but that’s almost human sized)

    Like

  209. I HAVE NOT LAUGHED SINCE NOVEMBER 8TH. thank you. thank you. bless you. shine on Mr. Noodles and Jenny.

    Like

  210. I am convinced that Victor not only knows where the mute button is located on his phone, I’m sure he can hit it within milliseconds of hearing Jenny’s voice. But oh what I would give to be on the other end of those conference calls. “So with this small revision to the budget…” “Did you buy me a used Squach to wear?” “Um, Victor, do you need to take care of that?”

    Like

  211. You are tots winning at life! (my autocorrect tried to change that to tits!)
    I’m sitting drinking a coffee before my shift starts and now I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying… now I have to fix my eyeliner… You never cease to make me laugh Jenny

    Like

  212. It’s a good thing my Christmas shopping is already done because had I not started yet, after seeing that, there would just have been zero point in even trying.

    Like

    A Crock of Schmidt recently posted 9 Weird Things I Ate As A Kid.

  213. 214
    Trina Brooks

    He looks like he may have been the MC for one of those underground, German cabarets in the 1920’s.

    Like

  214. You just took Elf On a Shelf to a whole new level. Slothsquatch On The Watch maybe?

    Liked by 1 person

    Mrs. Coffee recently posted The Grain Brain Whole Life Plan by David Perlmutter.

  215. Best post by anyone, ever. The angels have smiled upon us. Along with Neurotic Owl.

    Like

  216. I am so jealous. But since it’s you and Dorothy Barker seems to not be utterly terrified, it’s okay. You realize, of course, that with the arrival of mr. Noodles you will now be getting stuffed Worgs, live bait, Vampire costumes (hopefully without the vampire), and full sized mouse suits suitable for scaring the blazes out of the cats. If they have any blaze left.

    Like

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  217. You should’ve named this article “NSFW” as I just peed a little at my desk laughing so hard. I love this.

    Like

  218. His (Her?) name is Rosita. But I like Mr. Noodles MUCH better!

    Like

  219. My favorite post of all time is Beyoncé the chicken. But damn… This is a close second. Cannot stop laughing. Your writing is priceless. Thank you. 😂

    Like

  220. Oh my goodness! Hwow did i not know this is a type of puppet???? I don’t know what to google to find something like this???? Forever dance partner

    Like

  221. I love your crazy life. This made my day.

    Like

  222. Is it weird that I envy you? All I ever get in the mail is catalogs for boring stuff like camping gear and candles. You get Mr. Noodles.

    Like

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  223. My husband gave me a very VERY warm pair of Gorilla Slippers, with red glittery toenails, for Christmas a while back. They were pretty impressive, but not waterproof on the bottoms. Also, my daughter, who was quite young and enjoying her first real “ancient barn antique excursion” with Mommy, bought (with her own money) a very large, fuzzy, pink flamingo marionette. Add these together and include a box of Godiva chocolate and I’d say you got the best of it, with ol’ Noodly-squatch there. Win! Laughed entirely too hard at the poses.
    Thanks!

    Like

  224. I think after your next coloring book you should TOTALLY make an eclectic gift catalog. This is the sort of thing that would be in HUGE demand once you become aware that it’s an actual thing.

    Like

    KatieComeBack recently posted Holiday Craft-up Mash-up.

  225. 226
    MissPicciPants

    This is fabulous! I’m going to address all future correspondences with cut out letter from magazines lol
    Loving Mr. NOODLES TOO!

    Like

  226. 227
    Dennis Harris

    I know where your next acquisition could be coming from.

    “How to buy a president: Gettysburg wax museum to auction off contents”

    http://www.pennlive.com/news/2016/12/hall_of_presidents_auction.html

    You have to go! One of the less popular presidents would be a treat for the family room. Franklin Pierce, maybe? James Buchanan… Maybe some of the tiny 1/3 scale First Ladies you could loom over while laughing maniacally? (Cower before me, Mamie Eisenhower!!)

    Rush out now in a spending frenzy!

    Like

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