Well, shit.

In the ongoing of saga of my-body-is-trying-to-kill-me I got my results back from my endoscopy/colonoscopy but instead of a call I got an email with my results, and the subject was “FU CALL”:

Phrasing.

Which is apparently shorthand for “follow-up call” but it’s still concerning.  Also, an email isn’t a call.   Just saying.  But the biopsy results were best expressed in this gif:

Mostly because it was filled with scary words that I didn’t understand but then I talked to the doctor and he was like,

Because there’s some crappy stuff like “chronic gastritis” and “intestinal metaplasia” but nothing that says, “THIS IS WHERE ALL YOUR MISSING BLOOD IS GOING.”  Also, the results were confusing but as I understand it there are four stages of your stomach and the first is “I AM IMMORTAL” and the second is “Ew” and the third is “Well that’s not good” and the fourth is “YOU’VE GOT CANCER” and I’m on the third, but apparently lots of people stay on the third stage forever so I guess it’s not as scary as it sounds?

And I was like,

But then my doctor was like, “We gotta do more tests” BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO so he wanted to check me for parasites and bacteria and the nurse handed me a cup and said, “We’re going to need you to bring us a sample” but I needed more details because I wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted so I was like, “Do I…shit in this?” because it would suck to hand someone a jar of poop they didn’t ask for and she nodded like I was crazy and gave me a brown bag filled with gloves and a hat and I was like, “This seems like a very formal dress code for pooping in a cup.”

…and she was like, “That’s a toilet hat” which was even more confusing because why does my toilet need a hat?  I don’t even have matching towels.  But turns out it’s like a plastic hat that you put on the toilet seat so you can shit in it and then transfer the poo into a jar.  (WTF.)

Which seems like a lot of work, but it gets even more complicated because then you have to freeze it into a poopsicle before you turn it into the lab and Victor was like, “NOOPE.  YOU ARE NOT PUTTING HUMAN FECES IN THE SAME DRAWER AS THE HOT POCKETS” but I explained that it was fine because there was a hat and gloves involved so it was super fancy and I put the hat on and did a small dance but then he was like, “LADY, THAT’S A TOILET HAT” and I was both impressed and concerned that he knew that, but I agreed to write “DO NOT EAT SHIT” on the bag in the freezer so that no one would touch it, and actually that works out well because from now on I’m going to put all of the ice cream drum sticks in a brown bag that says “DO NOT EAT SHIT” to make everyone else not eat them and finally there’s a bright side to this bullshit.

Toilet hat. Like a clear Smokey Bear hat that you can also use as a very large measuring cup. But not if you use it on the toilet. Gross.  That probably goes without saying

Anyway, if my poop doesn’t have all the answers (there’s a phrase I never thought I’d write) then I move on to swallowing the camera pill that takes a terrible torso ride, which I can only assume will give me even more confusing non-answers that help nothing.

Just a guess, but this is what I assume will be the next gif I use to explain my medical stuff:

To be continued.

287 replies. read them below or add one

  1. This sucks and I hope you get some answers. But, also… you missed an amazing opportunity to say “popsicle.”

    (Argh. Autocorrect “corrected” it. Refixed. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 13 people

  2. Your very own asshat!

    Liked by 31 people

  3. I’ve had to leave a few stool samples this year and it never gets less weird.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. LMAO it’s open enrollment and I am in my HR office, trying to think how I will explain that I am crying…

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I’m so sorry – vague medical results and pooping into a hat sound unfun.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Your good shit far outweighs the bad. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    Burns the Fire recently posted Happy Spring.

  7. OMGoodness!!! You are sooo dang funny!!! If only everyone could have a positive attitude like you when going through medical drama. Keep on keepin on girlfriend! XXOO

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well, doctors don’t know everything. If you’re taking iron to replenish your blood supply, I recommend taking vitamin C at the same time as the iron pill, it helps you absorb the iron and not get constipated. Thinking about you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. i thought with your frequent trips to the docs that seeing one of those would be ‘old hat’ now 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Seems like the stool sample should have been at the front of the line? Or at least ahead of the camera . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  11. seriously, we’re living dual parallel lives. ((((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

    Angela recently posted I am a preexisting condition and I'm still worthy.

  12. Good poopy thoughts for you! I just went through this with my 15 year old. We were supposed to send the fecal matter back through the mail. I was like, nope, not sending my kid’s shit through the mail. & then after the colonoscopy, while my kid was still a little doped up, the doc comes in and hands us 4 sheets of paper with color pictures of my kid’s intestines and colon. Yup – that’s going to be a party favor at his wedding. Just don’t tell him, I want it to be a surprise…

    Liked by 6 people

  13. I just very nearly pissed myself laughing at my desk at work while I’m supposed to be WORKING but I’m not. I’m just not.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. I feel you on this one.

    I had severe dysentery at age 17. I have spent a lot of time in your situation.

    Just watch out for the doctors who say, “Oh, that’s interesting!” It will never be as interesting or as fun as they seem to think.

    Liked by 4 people

  15. Worst chemistry set ever.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This is why I don’t ever set foot in a doctor’s office. It’s a safe bet that there is a whole lot going on inside of me that shouldn’t be going on but ignorance is…well, not exactly bliss, but it enables me to tell myself that I’m the picture of health and everyone must experience wall-shaking hacking coughs, florescent phlegm and talking pimples. Right?

    Liked by 2 people

    desertcurmudgeon recently posted Internet Outraged!.

  17. Maybe you need a poop transplant. For reals: http://thefecaltransplantfoundation.org/what-is-fecal-transplant/

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I got a kit in the mail that lets me schmear poo on a stick, put it in an envelope, and mail it somewhere. But the instructions say, “DON’T DRINK ORANGE JUICE FOR FIVE DAYS BEFORE PROVIDING SAMPLE.” I rarely drink orange juice, but it made me so nervous I never did produce a mailable sample.

    Like

    Sandra Cormier recently posted "RESTING CANOES".

  19. Ugh. Did you create the random crap tag for this. Or is that just a coincidence?

    Thought I suppose this crap is pretty specific, with the hat and all.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Aw, man. Reminds me of that time I was in the Peace Corps in the Philippines and they handed me the hacked off bottom of a two-liter bottle of soda and pointed me across the street to go “collect a sample”. Then I had to walk back across the street with said poop sample and WAIT IN LINE with it, all while listening to the nearby techs gossip about whether or not they’d date “that white girl” (me) in a local dialect while I held my still-cooling poop sample in an un-gloved hand. (And in case you’re wondering— it was parasites. Who knew? Me. I knew. Sigh.)

    Liked by 6 people

  21. That’s a fudgesicle that no one wants!

    Liked by 4 people

  22. Intestinal issues are a crap shoot! Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. For the record I’m sorry you need to do this, but I really think Victor is just trying to keep you down man!!!! If you want to wear the potty hat, rock that look bitch! No judging! I used to work in a lab and one guy we needed a urine sample from, “Do you know how to give a sample”, “Yes”. So I still explaned it (yes there are rules to this yo) and then showed him the instructions on the wall on how to do it. The dipshit gives me a jar o shit. Nice. Best day ever.

    Don’t get me started on the semen sample stories….

    your welcome

    Liked by 4 people

  24. My thoughts exactly, Amy! I hope you DO find some answers though – because with answers there might come SOLUTIONS! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

    Like

  25. Lol, I just got my very own toilet hat and shit-holding tubes yesterday. Was trying to decide how to make the situation LESS nauseating, so thanks for this post. Knowing that you are also experiencing this craptastic fun at the same time somehow makes it better. Happy shit collecting!! 🙂

    Like

  26. As it says in the Scrubs musical episode, “Everything comes down to poo.”

    Xoxo.

    Like

  27. oh. my. gawd.! I realize you’re writing about a serious subject here, but damn! You crack me up! I wish you the best!

    Like

  28. Ugh! But butt if you have to do the camera pill it isn’t bad! The only thing I hated was the belt/harness I had to wear with a monitor. It had broken and they rigged something to put it back together. It had tons of Velcro on it (not their rigging) which was covered with threads, hair, who knows what. And I had to wear it or have it within a couple feet throughout. I wanted to dunk it in Purell. (Spellcheck changed that to Purcell. Bill Purcell?)

    The other weird thing was you could look to see when the pill was talking to the monitor. And mine kept talking for days longer than it should have been. My doctor said that was impossible but you can tell from the blinking. And why lie about that? It’s not like you win a prize for having the camera pill in you longer than anyone else.

    Anyway, you should also make them give you a SIBO test and you can DO IT AT HOME! There is no reason to go to the doctor’s office or hospital for it. You just breathe into test tubes in the morning after a bland diet and no eating after a certain point. I did it at home. My dietician talked the gastroenterologist into ordering it from Commonwealth Labs.

    I’m sorry this is so long. I relate!

    Liked by 2 people

  29. Poop and pee, pee and poop, mix em together and you got soup

    Like

  30. So sorry that you are having to deal eith all of this. But thank you for finding the humor in it. Huggles with cats

    Liked by 1 person

    Sin recently posted Good choice vs yummy choice.

  31. In fairness, I would have asked the same question. NEVER assume the thing you are supposed to do is shit in a cup. Just don’t. Ever.

    My thoughts are with you and your shit results. Please please do not collect $200 and pass stage 3. You need to stay healthy so you can be here to continue bringing light to our lives. You have inspired me in ways I will never be able to adequately express with words, but please know that I am profoundly thankful for you and that beautiful brain of yours. All my best thoughts and wishes for you, Jenny! YOU GOT THIS!

    Liked by 4 people

    the incurable dreamer recently posted the right side of possible.

  32. Toilet hats bring back kidney stone memories. Ick.

    Only you could make this hilarious!

    Like

  33. 34
    Sara Dillon

    I had a follow up with my hematologist almost 2 weeks ago. At first my white blood cells were really high. So he had them take 17 vials of blood for all these fancy tests and big words were thrown around. At the follow up 2 weeks ago my white cell count was 100% normal. But I an anemic and B12 deficient. He said he had no real explanation for the high cell counts for over a year but maybe I had mono for the whole time and didn’t know it. I mean, I have felt like shit the past year but I thought that was depression and a shit job and stress and being a mom to 17 cats and a dog. Now that my cell count is low and I’m taking B12 and getting more iron I’m starting to feel better. I was like “WTF body get it together I cannot deal with this shit”. So yeah, I get it. Good luck with the poo test. THAT was where I drew the line (they didn’t give me a hat… they said use saran wrap around the bowl to catch it I SHIT you not) but my issues weren’t as crazy as missing blood so maybe the poo test is good for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I’ve had to do a urine study before. They gave me this ginormous jug and a toilet hat. I had to pee in the toilet hat and pour it into the jug and save all my pee for 3 days. I had to store it in the fridge. Thankfully the jug was bright orange had a huge biohazard symbol on it. I still put a post-it on it that read “this is pee” so no one would think otherwise.

    Like

  35. Sending hugs. My brother Mike says that humor is a survival tactic, and here you are proving it. (He also says that bad humor is better than no humor at all, but that doesn’t prove anything). But I know that the humor is in front of someone who needs a lot of hugs, so I am sending you about 11 pounds. Unless hugs are measured in imperial gallons?

    Liked by 2 people

  36. 37
    Karen Morris

    Naturally I decided to read this on the subway (which is essentially a camera pill riding through the bowels of our nation’s capital) and am laughing so, so, hard.

    Liked by 4 people

  37. Nowadays they can actually implant someone else’s poopsicle in you. I hope they don’t do that because EW, but I’m sure you could make it sound both gross and funny, like this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    Janet Coburn recently posted For Caregivers Everywhere.

  38. Love ya Jenny! Only you can make 💩 so funny!! You should have asked for two shit hats! Save one for Halloween! You’re going to be just fine! I know it!💕🙏🏻

    Liked by 2 people

  39. I have ulcerative colitis and have had to befriend the toilet hat for many years now. He’s not quite the sombrero now, is he? Thinking of you – hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. I would be concerned about how much poop to put in the hat.

    Like

  41. Okay, I just read this in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and now have people looking at me like I might be a bit crazy! Thanks for the laugh! I’m not laughing AT you and your shit popsicles, but WITH you!

    Like

  42. You can NOT get pee in your poop sample. They’re super serious about that.

    Like

  43. My granddad just had to have the same procedure done, but they found nothing obvious, so I will be following this particular journey to see if maybe it can lead to answers for him too. I hope it just ends up being your inside going “Nah, you’re fine. We were just fucking with you.” (For both you and my granddad)

    Like

  44. Ahhh….the toilet hat. Yes, that was in my hospital room after my hysterectomy. It’s wrong that I totally recognize it now. Welcome to the world of modern medicine. Thank you for making me laugh my ass off.

    Like

  45. Well….um….crap. LOL

    Hey. Chin up. You can decorate the hat to make it more festive.

    Liked by 1 person

    ReallyLoriRose recently posted The literary equivalent of Alex Kintner after the shark ate him. .

  46. I had to swallow the camera pill TWICE and was able to catch one (not literally, but…) and hoped to collect the other for a matching pair of earrings. Unfortunately could only collect the one so may have to just make it into a pendant necklace instead.

    Like

  47. Been there, shit in that, and all the confusing medical terminology! I find recording the visit so I can google later helps. But then also hinders because I have more questions, and self-diagnosis, and thinking i’m dying. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one making all the poop jokes out of shit situations! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  48. i am so sorry you’re not getting more clear answers to what is going on with you but i have to admit i laughed so hard i go lightheaded. you are so damn funny.

    Like

  49. I super want you to get answers and feel better, but at the same time I kind of want the stool samples to be inconclusive so that you get to (have to?) do the camera pill test because I know you’ll show us the pictures and OMG I WANT THE COMMENTARY ON THAT SO BAD.

    Good poop luck, Jenny. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Rhubarb Swank recently posted creature of habit.

  50. A poop hat?!?! Where were these when I needed them?
    Also, do not eat shot is my new favorite thing to randomly say to my husband.

    Like

  51. The Viking had to take poo to a lab so someone could poke around in it and see if there was any gold (I assume) in it. Then MY doctor seemed to think that maybe I had gold (I assume) in MY poo but she was willing to wait until next year to find out for certain. I said thank you but really I shouldn’t be thanking her because if anyone deserves to find gold in MY poo that would be me, right? And The Viking should have checked HIS poo BEFORE he took it to the lab – some lab technician is probably living in Argentina in a mansion right now because he didn’t check.

    Lucky you have the hat so you don’t have to use any Tupperware.

    Liked by 2 people

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Sex On The Beach – Friday Fictioneers.

  52. Hang in there. Here’s to hoping poop has the answer.

    Like

  53. I’m at the age now where I’m supposed to smear a piece of paper with shit for three straight days, then mail it somewhere for analysis. Does the post office know about this? I wouldn’t want to be the letter carrier who has to deliver those envelopes every day. At any rate, I’m glad your tests didn’t show anything truly horrifying, like a leprechaun living in your ass or something.

    Liked by 2 people

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 142: Which Wolverine is Which? and They Call Me The Streak.

  54. I’ve used the toilet/poop hat. I also had to hide my poop in the fridge so I didn’t horrify my roommate. Because without a doubt if I either told her it was there or if she found it on her own, she would immediately pack her bags because HUMAN POOP DOES NOT GO IN THE CRISPER DRAWER. I also didn’t understand I just had to go back and deliver my poop to the clinic myself. I was like…so…do I mail it? And the nurse excused herself from the room to where I assumed she told all of her co-workers what an idiot I was. I believe this to be true because I heard waves of laughter down the hall under she came back and explained that I just had to come back and bring it in myself. Sigh. Anyway, what I’m saying is, you are not alone. Poop hat/toilet hat solidarity! Hopefully it leads to the answers!

    Liked by 2 people

  55. I totally put the toilet hat on my head. I had to freeze my poo and refrigerate my pee. #notlemonade I’m sorry.

    Liked by 2 people

  56. This sounds like a very stressful time, and I’m sorry you have to go through all these tests! I hope you find answers soon. And please know that you are not alone.

    Also, I hope this will make you smile. My cousin’s friend had to deposit a #2 sample, as well. He completed the package at home and took the bus to the doctor’s office to deliver it. He was quite paranoid that those around him might smell what was in his carefully wrapped jar, so he was holding it tight to his chest. Well, there was a thief on the bus, who mistook his “concern for smell” as “concern for carrying precious cargo”… and he held him at knife point and stole his poop.

    Liked by 5 people

  57. looks in bag
    Well I don’t know what I expected.

    Like

  58. I was handed one of those poop buckets before. I turned around and never returned to that doctor. To be fair, he also accused me of being pregnant and lying about it, even though I was a virgin and the problem was actually anxiety and depression. Such is life.

    Liked by 3 people

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Adventure is out there!.

  59. I got the email notice that you’d posted, so I clicked over and read it, and then clicked back to my email and I am not even kidding, but the subject line in the following email was “Let’s talk about our movement.” And I was all “BUT WE JUST DID THIS!!!”

    Liked by 2 people

  60. The cardiologist gave me and my husband heart attacks the other day. He’s already had one MI and several bouts of SVT. After his EKG, she placed the strip down on her desk and was leaning over it. She yelled “OH CRAP!” And quietly went on writing in his chart. My husband finally said, WTF? Am I dying right now?” She gave us a confused look before realizing what she did. Turns out she had a hair fall on her arm and she thought it was a spider.

    Liked by 2 people

  61. I had to get a sample from my kid. I was working from home and was on a conference call when it “happened”. His doctor didn’t say to freeze it, whether I had to rush it to lab. So I have my earbuds on, phone on mute and do the nasty collection bit. Then I jump in car, rush to lab and someone says my name. CEO is on the call. I respond, “oh sorry, I missed the question I’m running my kid’s poop to the lab right now”. longest silence ever. I drop the poop off at the lab, then decide to make a stop at the pharmacy on the way home. Smash my finger in the fucking car door. End up at ER right next to the lab that I had just left, crying and demanding drugs. It was a total shit show of a day. But at least we got a hat!

    Liked by 1 person

  62. But on the plus side, your insides are beautiful, so that doctor is going to be stunned by the results of the pill cam. He’s going to be like, DAAAMN GIRL!

    Liked by 2 people

  63. 64
    Amy Frevert

    I’ve been fighting this same battle for years…all the scopies, lots of poo/blood tests, lots of medicines. I wish you nothing but wellness and healing, and most of all, I hope you find answers. Sometimes the answers are scary, but with answers come choices and direction, and with choices and direction come action, and action is empowering. Bad stomachs with no answers is complete and utter bullshit. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  64. 65
    AnonyMouse

    Not only did I do this. The package didn’t get sealed properly, and no one told me or my doctor that it didn’t get tested, so I went in for my results and Doc, was like nope nope got to do it all over again. So yea, make sure that sucker is packed up carefully.

    Liked by 1 person

  65. I’ve been fighting this same battle for years…all the scopies, lots of poo/blood tests, lots of medicines. I wish you nothing but wellness and healing, and most of all, I hope you find answers. Sometimes the answers are scary, but with answers come choices and direction, and with choices and direction come action, and action is empowering. Bad stomachs with no answers is complete and utter bullshit. Good luck!

    Like

  66. 67
    kentuckienne

    My son is enrolled in a clinical study where every six months or so, we send a frozen sample of his poop to a lab. Fortunately he’s still in diapers, so we don’t need to use the poop hat (yet). I still slip the little vials of poop in their biohazard bag into the space between the ice bucket and the freezer wall. It feels more sanitary, somehow.

    Liked by 1 person

  67. 68
    Michelle W

    I love that you have such a healthy sense of humor for such a sucky situation. Laugh on.

    Liked by 1 person

  68. Using the damn hat is a pain! It’s soooo hard not to get pee into it. Not designed for women.

    Liked by 2 people

  69. 70
    AnonyMouse

    Although come to think of it. Not only did I have to mail my poo cross country no less, I didn’t get a hat. I had to make my own catching device out of saran wrap. Then scoop different parts of it into little tubes, then freeze the tubes and mail them.

    Liked by 1 person

  70. I did one of those sample things and brought it back in, just as I was instructed. And they lost it. They told me to do it again. Said they were sorry. I said, “You sure are.”

    Liked by 1 person

  71. It’s wrong to laugh another person’s misfortunes, so please stop expressing yourself in way that makes me chortle.
    Seriously though, praying for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  72. Are the gloves at least elbow length? White and trimmed with lace? Or more like welder’s mitts? They’re probably blue latex though. Med personnel have NO sense of humor.

    Liked by 1 person

    Andrea G recently posted I just want to pee and run in peace. And not necessarily in that order..

  73. I am a probation officer, and we use those to do drug tests for females…we call them “pee hats”, and henceforth I shall think of them as “poop hats”, as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  74. I hope they can find something out for you soon.
    Those hats by the way are great for using when you have to give a urine sample.

    Like

  75. 76
    fruitcakewriter

    I read a murder mystery in which a woman works for a radio station that makes a public service announcement about diseases of the stomach and colon. They said it was important to have a stool sample examined if one has suspicious symptoms. The radio station neglected to say that the stool sampling kit should be requested from one’s doctor. Instead, hundreds of listeners sent stool samples to the radio station, ranging from envelopes with poop on a toothpick to full turds sent in boxes. The radio station mail room clerk quit and sued. Laughed so hard when I read this, I had an asthma attack. Totally worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  76. I spent 5 years on a “diagnostic odyssey” that was no fun. It’s sucks to be told “so there’s this other test…” but eventually it all got sorted out.

    In other related news, I worked in the receiving department of a lab for 2 years. While poo was certainly a job hazard the best was when someone sent it to us in a blood vial, complete with poo-y fingerprints on the outside. I guess they didn’t get that hat or gloves. :/

    Liked by 1 person

  77. Have they checked for C-Diff? Let us hope it’s not that. Good luck!

    Like

  78. This made me LOL, because: i did an “at home colonoscopy test.” I called it ‘poop in a cannister.’ Then I took it to UPS and had it shipped. “What’s in the box,” they asked. “A science experiment.” Of course, after reading this post, I now realize it was a hat and I did the test all wrong. Luvya! As always, thank you for sharing.
    P.S. This is the only place I have been able to share that story. 🙂

    Like

  79. As a cancer survivor, I can tell you that humor and laughter is what got me through all that shit.
    Some of it came from you.
    The humor and laughter, that is. Not the shit.
    So thank you for being part of my cancer survival team, even though you didn’t know it. I’ll pay you back in kind, for cancer or whatever else is fucking with your body.
    You’re welcome.

    Like

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted From My RV Kitchen: Chickpeas in Curried Coconut Broth.

  80. I’m sorry for the vague results, that’s frustrating.

    I have Crohn’s Disease and have had to collect my own poo in the hat several times (one of the benefits of now having an iliostomy: it’s super easy to collect my own shit because I collect it in a handy pouch all the time – and I can honestly threaten to throw my own feces at people if they piss me off – I can also make my husband super jealous on car trips when he’s desperately trying to find a rest area by smugly looking at him and saying “totally pooping right now”).

    Good luck on the further tests and I hope they can figure your shit out because not knowing where your blood is going is super frustrating.

    Like

  81. Just putting this on your radar. Poop transplants are a thing. If your own poop is misbehaving, doctors will use donated poop from another person and put it up your poop chute to teach your poop how to be good poop again. 💩💩💩

    Liked by 1 person

  82. I’m a pediatric nurse and we use these hats on most of our patients to get accurate urine measurements. I can’t tell you how many times, when I’m admitting a kiddo, I’ve danced around with the (CLEAN UNUSED), hat on my head to make a kid laugh.

    Thanks for sharing your journey and your amazing humor with us. Sending you SO many good wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

  83. The urologist gave me one of those fancy hats when I had to do a pee diary. There is absolutely NO usage of said hat that is PLEASANT….unless, of course, you wear it on your head like you and I did. Do we know how to rock medical equipment…or WHAT??!!??

    Like

  84. Well, I’m glad there’s nothing horribly wrong. I wish I could say I’ve never had to keep human excrement in your Frigidaire, but, well. Yes. Butt well. That sums it up.

    My husband and daughter haven’t ever recovered from the gallon of urine in our fridge.

    Liked by 2 people

    becomingcliche recently posted Notes From the Zookeeper: Another Day, Another Lizard.

  85. This made me LOL, because: i did an “at home colonoscopy test.” I called it ‘poop in a cannister.’ Then I took it to UPS and had it shipped. “What’s in the box,” they asked. “A science experiment.” Of course, after reading this post, I now realize it was a hat and I did the test all wrong. Luvya! As always, thank you for sharing.
    P.S. This is the only place I have been able to share that story. 🙂

    Like

  86. I feel your pain. I just had a colonoscopy/endoscopy as well (which was one of the worst experiences of my life). My results were basically a shrug as well. “Everything’s working fine, you just feel like shit. Here are some tips at what might make you not feel like shit. Or night not. We don’t know. Come see me in 4 months”.
    Ugh.

    Like

  87. I add a F-UP note on things to check on later during meetings 🙂

    Like

  88. My 10 year old had to have that Poopsicle test, but the Dr. office gave me a little container and then when I went to drop it at the lab they said “Nope, it needs to be in one of our containers”, so then they gave me more gloves and a stick and their container and made me go into the bathroom and scoop frozen poop from one container into another container.

    Like

  89. Jenny,

    The post is funny, but I just want to make one serious comment / question. I assume from the posts that you have a low hematocrit (missing blood jokes). These tests are all just weirdly precautionary right? The doctors surely KNOW (with like 95+% certainty) why you have a low hematocrit, right? You have a low hematocrit because you have lupus (SLE). Low hematocrit (missing blood) is just the “normal” state for people with Lupus, particularly during active inflammatory periods. To a first approximation you just have all the classical symptoms of lupus (all sorts of inflammatory symptoms that are RA like, anxiety/mood disorders, sun sensitivity, low hematocrit, pregnancy struggles, etc), . You have lupus; pretty much all your medical issues are just lupus. That’s it. This is lupus. Like all your other symptoms.

    (I don’t have lupus. Well, sort of. I am borderline positive for lupus but it’s medically induced from the injections I take for the RA. If I stop taking the meds it goes away. It’s not supposed to be what’s causing the problem. ~ Jenny)

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  90. If you’re REALLY lucky they will put you on the lawn chair throne toilet, raise you five feet into the air, then you and several people will intensely watch a tv screen, while they instruct you to poop out the radioactive clay that was injected into your rectum by an item reminiscent of cake decorating tools. Then you get a report card of your pooping skills.

    Like

  91. When I was in active labor with my first child the toilet was in the room with me, next to the bed. No toilet room, mind you; more like prison style. The nurse gave me the toilet hat that I had to put in the hospital-prison like toilet and I had to do all my peeing in there. Those who have given birth will know that peeing whilst in labor means bloody mess pee. And because it was just sitting in the room next to my bed, anyone who came in could see my bloody mess toilet hat. I still have questions about this. Why? Why a toilet hat? Do women pee their babies into hospital toilets so often that a toilet hat is required?! There was no toilet hat when I gave birth to my second child. And the first incident was in 2007 in Northern California, so not in some far away land ages ago.
    Wishing you miraculous healing, Jenny!

    Like

  92. Oh Jenny.

    If it makes you feel any better at all (and it most likely won’t), I’m going through EXACTLY the same shit as you are (well, not the same ‘shit’, but the same shit, if you know what I mean). My question is this: do doctors really know anything, and also, are they actually just masochists with a mask …

    So sorry you’re going through this. Not fun.

    Like

  93. 95
    photogmomma

    As a heads up, I got a poop test for parasites that was negative… But when I went to a naturopath who drew blood, I clearly had some unwanted passengers – at least 5 different kinds! That was fun….

    Like

  94. I’m terribly sorry for laughing, but your GIF game is unbelievable! Plus, you’re apparently not dying, so I can laugh, right? And also too, I have a serious problem with cat humor and you added a fancy cat in a hat – walking!

    Like

  95. 97
    Chris in Canada

    I totally get this. I just got back from the doctor and my test results came back negative for rheumatoid arthritis, which is great! Except that it doesn’t explain my sometimes agonizing joint pain. At least I don’t have to poop in a cup.

    Like

  96. Sounds we have similar bodies.. but here in the Netherlands they start all medical procedures with stool and urine samples and a general bloodtest. So i am very experienced with the sampling of both 🙄
    Your stomach results suck though. Could that be a result of former medication?
    Anyhow, please do hang in there!

    Like

  97. since you’re getting all fancy this is the PERFECT time to tell victor that you need new towels. just saying…

    Liked by 1 person

  98. Omg the poop hat. I had to scoop poop into a tiny vial because I had similar tests done. I think they were looking for blood. It was one of the most “are you fucking kidding me” moments of my life and after I was done and had wrapped it in 3 paper bags, I sat on my porch step and reassessed my life and the moments that had brought my to scooping poop with a tiny scoop from a poop hat.

    Like

  99. I wish your body would stop trying to kill you, but they say laughter helps you live longer so I guess between your blog and books you have enlivened and lengthened my life. Thanks for letting everyone feel a little better through you.

    Like

  100. I’m on step 3, too. Have been for years. Those “toilet hats” are awful. I guess we’re gastritis sisters. (Go us?) I’ve had #AllTheTests and they still don’t know where my bleed is nor where all my iron is going. (Honestly, I can’t take MORE iron supplements because they bind me up already, and I’m not absorbing it anyway!)

    Just wait until you get the capsule endoscopy, where you swallow a camera pill and have to wear an oh-so-fashionable transmitter fanny pack thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  101. Ughghgh!! I know this experience you are having all too well! Yesterday I asked my doc why my body would suddenly start having a random issue (!) and she shrugged and said, “Bodies are weird.” When I busted out laughing, she shrugged and said, “Yeah, I’ve got nothing.” Good luck! My medical prayer/wish pretty much always goes like this – “Please let them find something easily that is easily fixable!” …one can always hope…

    Liked by 1 person

  102. That looks like the kind of hat you’d wear line dancing.

    But…well, poop if that’s what you want to do.

    I hope you get answers soon, and that they are good ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  103. 105
    Stephanie

    FUN FACT: That potential “swallow me and I ride through your digestive tract” capsule was cutting edge science a few years ago. The hospital I worked at was one of the first to prescribe it. The official name was the M2A capsule. I was shooting a video to debut its use to the staff docs and medical students. The head of the Gastroenterology department was a lovely Scottish man that looked just enough like Sean Connery to make you hear James Bond every time he talked. He proceeded to explain that the name stood for Mouth to Anus, and after 20 takes he still couldn’t say it with a straight face.

    Liked by 2 people

  104. 106
    Anonymous

    That is definitely no fun. I’ve had to do the same thing a few times. Although I don’t remember having to freeze it? I think Doctors just keep testing you until they find something & guess what they usually do.

    Liked by 1 person

  105. 107
    Anonymous

    I laughed harder than I should have laughed. I’ve been where you are, and at least they didn’t hand to a paint bucket complete with metal lid and tell you to collect EVERYTHING for 24 hours. Now when something bad happens, I just remind myself that it’s not as bad as the time I had to poop in a can and save it.

    Liked by 1 person

  106. 108
    Anonymous

    DO NOT EAT SHIT is a perfect life mantra!
    See, silver lining! 💩😄🤘

    Liked by 2 people

  107. I use F/U as shorthand to Follow Up – but then my boss was like WHAT do you mean? After I handed him a message that so n so was F/U on XYZ. TI think he only half believed my explanation. At any rate, I hope this will get you the answers you need.

    Liked by 1 person

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  108. 110
    mind-screwing-gut-or-vv

    I’ve had to go through months of every possible gastro test to learn the same result. In the end one of the best GI in the country told me that “I have been very well researched and the only thing they can say is there is nothing ominous and I should just give a time.” It’s been a year and I’m veeery slowly getting better. And then I learned about this book https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Gut-Connection-Conversation-Impacts-Choices/dp/0062376551 and it makes so much sense it’s scary and definitely applies to all of us with anxieties and other stuff and gastric issues.

    Liked by 1 person

  109. This is a long shot: A while back there was a comments thread about websites with (real) work-from-home opportunities, like transcription, and I haven’t been able to find it. Maybe it wasn’t even on this blog, but it seems like it could have been since many of us readers are of the better-off-not-interacting-with-people type. If anyone knows what I’m talking about, can you respond and point me to it?

    Liked by 1 person

  110. Omg!!!!! First thing I thought was the poo song!!!!! https://youtu.be/pnIk0npINiE A scrubs episode

    Liked by 2 people

  111. It’s so hard to stifle my laughter in a library. But I sympathize, sorta? When I had my c-section, my toilet also had a hat. I was confused and stared at the nurses until they explained.

    Liked by 1 person

  112. 114
    Anonymous

    Hang in there gurl. It will all work out in the end (yep I just said that) and if not you have some nifty accessories for the next appointment with the next doctor.

    Liked by 1 person

  113. This so reminds me of the Scrubs Poo song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6QIxzR-fYs

    Liked by 1 person

  114. I had to use one of those stupid toilet hats while the Hubs and I …wait scratch that…while I was doing ovulation testing (you know he was only involved on the days that the tester had a smiley face on), anyhow, my biggest issue was where to store it. I had to use it everyday for almost 6 months. That meant wash and dry and put the damn thing somewhere. We only had one bathroom at the time so if our friends came over I did not want to have to try to explain that thing in the bathroom.
    I will however be trying the “DO NOT EAT SHIT” trick on all things in the freezer from now on…let’s see if it works.
    Big hugs Jenny…it’s not easy to KNOW there is something wrong and not know what the hell it is. Just know you have lots of support and heck, the blog is practically writing itself with all these new adventures!

    Liked by 1 person

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  115. But then doesn’t the poop get stuck in the poop hat? And are you supposed to wear the fancy poop gloves to transfer it? I mean, that’s a lot of middle man bullshit (pardon the pun). Just poop in the container, label it “Milk Duds” and put it in the fridge. HILARITY ENSUES!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  116. I swallowed the camera years ago. Crying, in discomfort, while the doctor kept saying:”Look at the screen, it’s the inside of your stomach! How many people can say they have seen the inside of their stomach?” and I was like: “Sir, I wish I was one of those who can’t!”. Except I didn’t say any of that because I had a f***ing cable down my throat and a camera in my stomach.
    Ask them to use anaesthesia. The second time I had to have that procedure, I went to sleep with the doctor’s hand on my thigh and didn’t even have time to ask him to move his filthy claw somewhere more appropriate. Don’t remember anything else, which is nice. And unsettling. And kind of creepy, I guess, but also nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  117. 119
    bradsruttenberg

    well poop!! LOL couldnt resist im so sorry but im not suprised.. every time my body oresebnts some new chronic illness to add to the list of “ways my body is trying to kill me”the sequel to”ways my mind is trying to kill me” it always seems to involve a lot of indeterminent teat and some looks of concern from the specialist”well thats rare or .. hmmm dont see that often”and other encouraging comments that boil down to “congratulations we finally after 10-20 test know what it is.. and you have the rare form!!!”unfortunatly i found that doesnt include a prize..nor at least a offer from hopkins or mayo to make me wealthy and study me .. but more like”confuised looks and the privilage of expalining my rare/atypical form of X illness to my orther doctors who are non specialist and another couple hundred pages of medical record btw love the Tim gunn gif! i really like your visual aids for storytelling!!LOl i really hoppe you get some answers being in limbo for months or yrs sucks ive been there.. but then again so does finding out”yet again “you are medically atypical or special also sucks too”been there too” and as someone who qualified in medicine*md non practicing “i can say if it helps”the rare atypuical cases suck for any Doc worth anything cause the whole system isnt geared toward finding solving for them..

    btw i was gonna suggest possible lupus but you can get ome of those borderline from RA treatments.. that shoul;dnt account for it..

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  118. I had to poop in the asshat last spring, so I’m thoroughly enjoying your story. However . . . did they tell you to POOP ONLY, no pee? I don’t know about you, but it is pretty much impossible for me to do so without at least some degree of leakage. I put off the whole thing for weeks because of that very reason. I finally decided to employ a secondary receptacle to keep everything separate. It worked. Enough said. I share this extraordinarily intimate information with you, a stranger who I’ve only smiled at while sitting in the audience (Erma Bombeck conference, Dayton 2016), because this is exactly the kind of exhibitionist shit we writers do. I did not, say to say, need to make a poopsicle. The whole thing came in a kit with a postage-paid box to return the, um, sample overnight to a lab where the unluckiest people in the world must work. I sidled into the FedEx store and left it on the counter behind another box while the guy was busy with someone else. Final scene: imagine an old lady careening out of a shopping plaza parking lot on two wheels of her CRV. Happy to report that all was well and it will be another five years before the next asshat kit comes in the mail. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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  119. At least you warned Victor. My husband once opened the refrigerator – to be fair, it was the OUTSIDE refrigerator which really only holds beer and soft drinks – to find a ziploc baggie with cat poop in it. Hey, when the cat poops bloody, mucas-y poop, the vet wants to see that poop. I just heard the garage door slam with a screamed, “Is that a bag of cat shit in the fridge?”
    Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that.

    Liked by 1 person

  120. 122
    Mary Cleveland

    I’m sorry things are so hard to figure out! I’ve been there!!
    I had gastritis so bad 6 years ago. What helped was not taking antacids, but actually taking betaine hydrochloric acid with pepsin. My stomach wasn’t making enough avid, this the horrendous-worse-than-ny-three-previous-labors pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  121. Well, that was “sad to say” . . . needless to say.

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  122. Have you considered going to a veterinarian? When my dog has issues, blood is taken, fecal sample turned in,and bam…next day results. Sonagrams, MRI’s while you wait. (btw, they cost as much as human tests). That’s where I’m getting my blood drawn and sent to lab next year. Downside, they will probably take the blood from my neck.

    Liked by 1 person

  123. 125
    rnrHeather

    My daughter got the shit hat. Here’s the good stuff: we only had to send them three shit sticks. Except maybe I forgot to do it because her stomach got better and maybe there are still three poop sticks in my bathroom.

    Liked by 1 person

  124. You got a toilet hat!? I never got one 😞. I just had to ummmmm catch it before it hit the water. Shit. I guess Medicare doesn’t think it’s necessary to make life more humane for us. All I can say is that they really never found anything wrong there, so I just take my medications and try not to get stressed. Stress seems to be the trigger for all my stomach ailments. Just my body attacking itself as usual. I guess at least I’m not compelled to gnaw off an appendage or something.

    Liked by 1 person

  125. OMG JENNY!!!!! I HAD TO DO THIS SAME SHIT SITUATION!!!! AND MY HUSBAND MADE ME PUT IT IN THE CHEST FREEZER IN THE BASEMENT WITH THE NEIGHBOR’S FROZEN BEAR HEAD!!!! AND THE DOCTORS EXPLAINED IN SIMILAR GIF WAYS! (As is we don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you but we can try THIS new thing that involves all kinds of anxiety producing humiliating scenarios and can we have 20 med students come watch because you are such an interesting case.) 😙 I kiss at you girl and feel your poop pain….

    Liked by 1 person

  126. I’m very sorry Jenny that you have to go through this. But I have to tell you I’ve had a very bad couple of weeks to where I was not afraid to leave my house. No it was so bad I was afraid to leave my bedroom. I just want you to know this made me laugh so hard I’m crying. Thank you so much for helping me feel better. Thanks 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  127. 129
    Margie Garmey

    I hope you point out to the folks who sent you that notice that they really should find a better way to send you potentially bad news. That was certainly not patient friendly.

    Liked by 1 person

  128. 130
    Sarah Monster

    Omg! I had almost that exact same conversation with the nurse at my GI’s office!!! The nurse says to me, “I’ll go and get you a hat.” I was all… “a hat?” And she repeats very matter-of-factly, “A hat.” Then she disappears and returns with that plastic thingie, which I starred at for a while, and said, “Um. So… I have questions…

    Liked by 1 person

  129. I’ve read your blog for ages but I finally had to comment because I was reading this in a rest area bathroom on my phone and I was trying so hard not to laugh that I was snorting loudly much to the dismay of those in the stalls around me… phew! And I was taking a shit

    Liked by 1 person

  130. You don’t have matching towels? Isn’t that how you ended up with Beyonce? Might I suggest a return trip to whatever store supplied her? It’s a well known scientific fact that when your blood magically disappears, the best antidote is more giant metal barnyard animals. Then they can wear your poop hat. So you can pick up matching towels, provide company to Beyonce, and improve your health all at the same time. Prpblem solved.

    Liked by 1 person

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  131. 133
    bluesurly

    Jenny – I am married to a veterinary parasitologist and my refrigerator and freezer are ALWAYS full of shit. He’s not supposed to use the family frig, but he’s filled his own up so poaches on our space. Anyway, if you end up having parasites and want to talk to someone who LOVES talking about them, feel free to get in touch! Also, I hope you don’t go in for sushi…raw food is full of nasty stuff.

    Like

  132. I had an endoscopy/colonoscopy a few years ago (that colonoscopy prep turned me off of lemon-lime Gatorade FOREVER), but before I even got to that stage, they made me collect poop samples. A lot of poop samples. And they didn’t even give me a toilet hat! They told me to just stretch plastic wrap across the toilet, poop into (though really ONTO, since it’s now a flat surface) that, and transfer the poop to the bottle. Leaving me with poop-covered plastic wrap that I assumed I should just BURN because what do you with it? ALSO, draping store-brand plastic wrap over the toilet seat didn’t work very well since the poop weight made it fall IMMEDIATELY into the bowl, where I then had to fish it out. But then I wasn’t allowed to use it since it was all wet and contaminated with toilet water. And since I was only pooping every 3-4 days at that time, I was like, “OH GOD, I’VE WASTED A PRECIOUS POOPPORTUNITY.”

    And they didn’t find anything conclusive, other than that I have a “tortuous” colon, which means it’s just TOO LONG for my stumpy body. Hooray!

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  133. 135
    Anonymous

    Dear God, Jenny…I thought my medical shit was weird! Every time I go to the doctor it’s “huh, I’ve never seen that before – you have this unheard of rare genetic disorder”. Basically I got the crap hand in the family evidently. Please read the Plant Paradox by Dr. “well-known cardiologist”…it makes a lot of sense of all the things we put our bodies through, and some of it might help. He has numerous studies where people with RA feel enormously better, as well as many others with different issues!

    Like

  134. 136
    Anonymous

    I’m sitting in the library while reading this and I am laughing very hard, out loud. Oh, Jenny.

    Like

  135. 137
    Anonymous

    I just had to do the same, my toilet hat was white. I had to fill 3 vials.put it all in a plastic hazmat bag then a brown paper bag.when i took my shit samples to the lab, the woman Thanked me! For first time in my life someone thanked me for my shit! Now thats gratitude

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  136. 138
    Anonymous

    I just received a huge brown jug (Which must be refrigerated) and a hat for a 24 hr urine collection. Did my Dr tell me he was finding new and interesting ways to torment me? No he let the poor lady at the lab explain it. I have a terrible feeling someday he’ll want poo too! Hang in there lady! (In my Fridge! Not even my freezer!).

    Like

  137. I’m at work in the library, LOLing inappropriately. Thank you, Jenny Lawson. I’m sure my patrons think I’m laughing at their lending history… 🙂

    Like

  138. I don’t know why a musical number about poo should make everything better, but it did.

    I hope you find some answers soon, Jenny. It takes a lot of grace to use your own hardships to make the world a brighter place and I admire you for it, but I hope that very soon you have nothing worse than weird midnight art projects gone wrong to amuse us all with.

    Like

  139. On the bright side, if you do have to swallow the camera pill I’m pretty sure they can print some really great 8 x 10 glossies, think Xmas shopping is done!!!

    Like

  140. 142
    ocularnervosa

    Do you get a copy of the camera pill video?

    Like

  141. 143
    Anonymous

    I laughed my ass off through this entire post…

    Like

  142. what Dan said at least youll have some kick ass christmas card material!1

    Like

  143. I figured “fu call” meant “fuck u” call, so luckily “follow up call” is way less scary.

    Also, any man who can tolerate shit in his freezer is a keeper.

    Good luck with your poopscicle!

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  144. This is so funny I’m crying… and here I thought only in my family did people manage to make a funny story about poop! Jenny, you are a constant delight!

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  145. Good luck with everything. I did so enjoy this story. I hope your poop has answers.

    Like

  146. Sorry you’re going through this. My son has been having some G-I issues as well, and his doctors are about as definitive as yours. They just keep doing more tests. Ugh. BTW, I thought of you when I was visiting him in Portland. We went to see the floats after their Rose Parade, and I found this one– (I’m hoping it will display the photo I took, guess we’ll see.)
    https://photos.google.com/photo/AF1QipMFw33KgbrQlMF7-Et0KNtCbMTsQ5ax1COWt88X

    I’m thinking either copyright infringement or creative inspiration–you decide. Could depend on your mood that day, I guess. But it sure looks like your raccoon to me!

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  147. My dogs are big fans of poopsicles. It’s their favorite Winter snack. (Hmmm… perhaps this isn’t helpful information.)

    Like

  148. Jenny, if I received an e-mail with FU call in the subject line I’d get excited about Francis Urquhart (Original UK version of House of Cards) or Francis Underwood (Current version of House of Cards) was going to call me 😂

    Like

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  149. 151
    Dixie Evans

    Hi, Jenny, Have you been tested for Crohn’s Disease? Because it took about 9 or 10 months for the doctors to figure out where my husband was bleeding from. Both ends were scoped, but it wasn’t until he had the camera endoscopy that the docs saw that his small intestine was severely inflamed and ulcerated. So now he gives himself Humira injections and is doing much better. He said the camera endoscopy wasn’t bad (swallowing the camera). After the camera has passed through your GI system, you poop it out. The camera takes thousands of photos! I love your books and blog as well as your humor, photos and family. I had all of your books and gave them to my BFF before she began radiation and chemo. I’m thrilled to report that, this past Wednesday, her doctors at Mayo told her that her tumor is gone. Yayyy!!! I like to think that your writing had something to do with her recovery. Love & Hugs, Dixie XXXOOO

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  150. I hope you get answers soon . I know how frustrating it can be to have a million tests done and feel like you are getting nowhere. Keep laughing. That’s the best medicine.

    Like

  151. 153
    colleend2

    Oh my Lord woman! I am laughing so hard I am literally crying over here! You really do spell out the situation in the best of details. Isn’t it going to be the best EVAH when you are through with all of this bull crap and are healthy? I, for one, have no idea what I will do on that day myself but looking forward to it. And really, I know this isn’t fun. Been thru part of this and lived. You just have to keep making the jokes and laughing so you don’t cry…as much. I have certainly exhausted my line with the medical profession of “At least you could have bought me dinner first! We didn’t even hold hands!”

    Take care my best friend that I’ve never met.

    Like

  152. Oh Jenny, this made me laugh so hard. My family’s favorite hobby is having medical issues that take every test under the sun and several years to diagnose, so I know how frustrating and scar and awful it is. I hope your poopsicle solves the mystery!

    Like

  153. i’m sorry your results aren’t so helpful yet, but of course there are more tests! i did the ‘swallow the camera pill’ one a couple of years ago. seriously not a big deal (i was kinda afraid it would be this giant kodak thing but it’s really not).
    i had to wear this weird vest-sticker-piece of equipment-thing combo for a day or two (my brain won’t let me remember how long!) while the camera did its thing but that was it. didn’t even have to give the camera back! (fortunately, and omg!)
    good luck w/your asshat. 🙂

    Like

  154. Also, someone may have pointed this out already, but “Random Crap” takes on a hilarious double meaning as the tag for this post.

    Like

  155. I can say I never had to go that far with a doctor, but I did have to give samples at one point and store it in the refrigerator. Ended up taking everything out of the bottom drawer and putting it there then cleaning it with bleach really good afterwards and not using it for a good long while because I was paranoid. Doctors request weird things.

    Like

  156. Hey Jenny – the camera pill and poop hats get funnier the longer you have to deal with them, I promise (recent liver transplantee) — I had to pee hat it up for 24 hours recently and bring ALL of it in a giant cooler through the hospital to my outpatient clinic – it was great, someone asked me if it was my lunch on the elevator lolol — you’ll get through this I promise 🙂 ❤

    Like

  157. 159
    Catblossom

    LOL none of this comes with any dignity, does it? You get a toilet hat with kidney stones too. And at some point in a kidney stone journey, they do this awesome test where you get to save up all your pee for three days!! in this series of jugs that you have to refrigerate (no joke, so gross) Which means you can only pee at home for 3 days. Which is not super convenient, and leads to…fullness issues. And let me tell you, that toilet hat has a max capacity, and it’s somewhere below the top measuring line, but somewhere above what my bladder can apparently hold…which sent the (over full, overweight) toilet hat PLUNGING into the toilet, and a GEYSER of pee up through my legs and over my lap. And everything else.

    And then I made the mistake of calling to ask if it made a difference if I’d lost a tiny bit of day 3’s urine, and OF COURSE it did. So I got another 3 jugs, and another 3 day sentence.

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  158. Like

  159. I recently had to provide a poop sample for a test. The doctor gave me a box to pack it in to send it off to wherever they do all the poop testing. (And y’all think YOUR job sucks!) I considered it a great day when I actually got her to sing with me: “It’s my poop in a box!”

    Like

  160. 162
    Anonymous

    Ok. I have been through all of this except it’s usually me that makes an FU call. The camera was easy. The toilet hat was not cooperative, and the first few times I had tests like this there was a paper sheet instead of a hat; which never stayed in place. Now, since it was imperative I send them a bit of fecal matter three days in a row, you can imagine the hilarity that ensued when each attempt resulted in a “fishing expedition.” There is no way that could go well. I also went through a manometry test and a – are you ready? – a balloon holding test in that region. Followed by physical therapy done in a private room with electrodes placed in embarrassing locations. Three times of that and I cancelled the rest of the appointments. But wait there’s more!

    Doctors have to pay for there summer homes, so there are always more tests. All the same sort of tests done to the upper GI region. Easier, less embarrassing, but, try swallowing on command a long tube filled with sensors. Now, that was fun. And because I have problems, they tried that 3 times before they, too, said fuck it. I said fuck it and will live with my conditions. I can’t take it any more, and if I can’t have a summer home, then, neither can my doctor.

    Like

  161. I did the camera thing and it was interesting but they wouldn’t give me a copy of the film which I thought was just wrong. Anywho, turns out I developed gastroparesis post my knee replacement. I got the shruggy shoulders as to why that would happen. So….sometimes my stomach takes days to empty and then I get nauseous and pukey and have to take zofran. Then, it decides it will work too well and I have a library in the toilet. Not too many days of in between, which makes traveling interesting and scary all at the same time. Good luck with all your testing and resulting. It sucks.

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  162. I had to do a poo sample but they neglected the hat, so I improvised with the Halloween candy bowl and an empty Cool Whip container. They did give me the rest of the kit, which included instructions to freeze into a poopsicle and a shipping label. It felt so wrong to hand the package to the UPS guy. “What can brown do for you?” indeed.

    Like

  163. I’ve had to use the toilet hat before for a 24 hr urine cortisol test. The lab lady was like “a lot of people save these” which made me think there’s an episode of Hoarders somewhere with toilet hats… lmfao! Hope you have some positive shit… but only if it’s positive for treatable things!

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    supercatgrrl recently posted I’m On An SNRI and I’m Proud of It.

  164. so, Many years back,my sister got SOMETHING. Parasite, infection. No one knew or could figure out. She was very, very ill. They had her fill what was the equivalent of a paint can with poop.Over a period of time. She brought it to the hospital lab and checked it in. They lost it. How do you lose a can of poop? I don’t think they ever found out what was causing it and she stopped short of ulcerating her intestines and did not die. She got well. You will get well. You should have backup poop for them, Maybe in those nice Darth Vadar popsicle trays. Worth having to throw them away.
    We all love you here. I sit here with my “Be nice” mouse pad.

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  165. I’m way too familiar with the toilet hat. I’ve had to use it…4 times? in the past 2.5 months. The most hilarious part is running into a lab to drop off your poopsicle sample and they make you wait in the waiting area and everyone is either wondering or knows what you’re holding.

    Like

  166. I also just remembered the day my cardiologist at Johns Hopkins said that someone would write a chapter in a medical book about me someday. I was not excited to hear it. He also said, you have so many things just a little wrong that it adds up to a big wrong. For this he went to medical school?

    Like

  167. 169
    Anonymous

    You’re TOTALLY NOT alone!! Had all the photos I NEVER wanted to have of my innards, a bazillion test for every obscure disease and parasite imaginable, a pee jug in the fridge, and my poo read like tea leaves. At least, that’s what I imagined. Turns out it was Celiac’s (and two other autoimmune diseases–because, apparently, they often bring friends to the party.) Who knew? Not me, obviously…or the doctors (especially the one that told me it was in my head and I needed to drink more water and do yoga. WTF?!?)…for a LOT longer than I thought acceptable. Be well!!!!

    Like

  168. Oh god I’m sitting here in the break room at work with 2 coworkers, trying my hardest not to laugh out loud or spray coffee out of my nose because there’s NO WAY I can explain this to them without sounding completely insane.

    Hoping your poopsicle holds all the answers and you feel better soon!

    Like

  169. In Australia, everyone gets a free bowel and breast screening when we reach a certain age. It’s like, ‘Happy birthday, lady! Here’s your voucher to go get your boobs squished while you hug an x-ray machine – and as a bonus, if you act now you also get a poop collection kit! Just poop into this bag and schmeer it on the thoughtfully-provided swabs, then freeze and pop it in the mail back to us. In return, we’ll tell you if you have cancer. Yay!’

    At which point, of course, your poop system is all, ‘Nope. Not co-operating. Don’t care if it’s your birthday;. And you begin the long battle …

    Like

  170. OMG this is a never ending saga…I hope you soon know what is causing the problem…so they can do something about it…

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  171. 173
    Anonymous

    Oh my goodness that has got to be fucking frustrating it would be much simpler if it was just vampires stealing your blood. I camera pill would be cool though but do you need to find it afterwards because that be really gross. Good luck girl

    Like

  172. 174
    Michelle P

    Butt medical stuff is the weirdest I’ve encountered so far. I spent the last six months getting a “pelvic floor dysfunction” issue diagnosed which basically means all my organs are verrrrrrry slowly falling out my vagina, causing some weird GI stuff. My I have to get physical therapy and it’s impossible to tell which physical therapists just work on knees and which ones also do butts. I spent my lunch break today getting turned down by every provider I called because they don’t work on the pelvis OR the one woman who does is so booked up she’s not taking new patients. I didn’t even know it was possible for your uterus or bladder or rectum (or all three) to just start falling out of you but apparently it’s common enough that I can’t even get in to see the good butt therapist!

    Like

  173. Ok… I’m new to the whole poop hat thing, and am a little concerned that the measurements on the side go all the way up to the top. Do they expect you to try to fill that? Has there ever been anyone who’s been able to accomplish this? Do they give you a cup of corresponding size? (If not, what are you supposed to do with the leftovers?) Also, what do you do with the hat afterwards? You just can’t put it into the recycling bin without rinsing it first. If Victor doesn’t want poop in the freezer, how’s he’s going to like it in the sink? I suppose if you’re going to the trouble of rinsng it, you may as well wash it and keep it for festive occasions, but you’d have to throw out the dishcloth, because ew.

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  174. I had the same toilet hat for my 24 hour per collection. I just kept a cooker with some blue ice in it next to the toilet. I had fancy pee-collecting jugs. I failed to take a picture. I hadno idea how much I peed in 24 hours. It’s a lot. As I was driving to Duke hospital with my pee, I was thinking…”this would make for an interesting traffic stop.” Luckily I’m a middle-aged white lady. Also…I drove very carefully.

    My pee was fine (after waaaay too long on pred my)…I hope your poo is as well. All the love from NC.

    Like

  175. Too long on prednisone. WTF autocorrect?

    Like

  176. 178
    AinOakPark

    That was funny, even for an un-funny subject. But what would I expect?

    Actually, I love Tim Gunn about 67% as much as I love you. He wrote a good book, GUNN’S GOLDEN RULES Life’s Little Lessons For Making It Work, that I would recommend parents give to their teens. You can guess what Rule 1 is, but Rule 2 is The World Owes you …..Nothing, and Rule 4 is Don’t Abuse Your Power – Or Surrender It. It’s really a good book. He is one of the most unusual people. He doesn’t do taxidermy or anything interesting like that, but he DID have a father who was an FBI agent (that explains a lot) and I think he even says he thinks he met the FBI director dressed up as Vivian Vance (Ethel Mertz, from I Love Lucy) (which explains even more). And he did vomit into the gutter every morning before he went to work. Yes, a bit anxious.

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  177. I had to collect poop too and record the color of my urine for several days….and I was in a hospital! The nurses wouldn’t do it and seemed surprised that I was doing it, as though I’d come with the idea on my own. Worst hospital ever! Hope it isn’t too crappy an experience for you and that once and for all they figure out what is ailing you. I can’t tell you how much you bring me joy Jenny. Thinking good thoughts for you.

    Like

  178. Don’t know if this has already been posted, but it’s my favorite tv musical number ever:https://youtu.be/jsVgi8hoFFc

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  179. 181
    Adrian Amiro

    Would jewelry make you feel better? You can poop all you need too and still sparkle!

    Like

  180. Oh my gosh, my Biffle is going through the same thing! She was just given the hat and the scoop and jar :/ she has to store hers for 3 different shits! 😱 I’m donating all my spoons to you both.Love you Jenny!!

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  181. Damn Jenny. I laughed so hard I cried. I so needed this. Have to go see the asshole Dr today because I haven’t found a new one and I need my pills to function. So thank you my love for putting a smile on my face before I go. I’ll keep thinking of this as I sit there. Maybe I’ll even imagine her in a used toilet hat… 😜

    Like

  182. 184
    Barbara Price

    Love your blog! As an old person, at least older than you, I have suffered through a lot of medical procedures. Often I had the feeling they were using me as a science experiment, but there was thst pesky problem of getting the lab rat’s approval! Best of luck, keep asking why like a bored 4 year old, it’s the only way to get back at them.

    Like

  183. I had a colonoscopy last Saturday. SO not fun. The sedation was good though, I’d like some more of that. Just enough for a couple of month’s sleep.

    Like

  184. Ugh. I feel your pain. I have Ulcerative Colitis, which is “pre-cancerous”. I’ve had it since I was 13, but they didn’t diagnose me til I was 25. I have had ALL sorts of poop related tests done. It’s gross, no matter how you look at it. I do hope they find the answers for you, but I do advise patience, cause if you’re anything like me (and we have more in common than I’ll share) it’s gonna take them a while to figure you out. Gentle hugs coming your way.

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  185. Hugs. But only after you wash your hands.

    Like

  186. My experience resulted in my being told I had no bacteria in my poop. Not. One. This, surprisingly, is a Bad Thing. I’m on antibiotics a lot for a chronic colonized infection, so that’s apparently why. But then the doctor wanted me to take this stuff that would provide all sorts of “good” bacteria…kind of like eating an insane amount of yoghurt every day. That stuff is very expensive. So I guess I just have sterile poop. I could wish that for you, to make it all less horrible, but nope.

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  187. As the saying goes, “Same shit. Different day.”

    — from another poop hat connoisseur

    Like

  188. I was in the ER for tests earlier this year and the nurse was like “I’m SO GLAD you could give a urine sample right away. Some people leave us waiting FOREVER.”
    And I was like… “Um. You’re welcome?”
    though inwardly I was thinking a) This is NOT my first rodeo. and b) I’m 90% cola-cola, so peeing is NOT a problem.
    But that was probably the MOST EXCITED I’ve ever seen someone about being given a cup of pee.
    Summary: I hope they figure out where you put your blood. and medical procedures are weird.

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  189. As a former lab tech I got to process and examine poop every now and then. It’s way more interesting under a microscope than it is in its raw form.

    Like

  190. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve pooped in that hat too and had a stranger pick it up from my doorstep and send it to Great Smokies Lab in Colorado! I had intestinal permeability, which is also called leaky gut syndrome. It was caused by candida from too many antibiotics. I was allergic to everything I ate because it was leaking into my blood in microscopic amounts. You can cure it with a simple diet for 2 months and a medical over the counter shake that heals the intestinal lining. If you have that, email me and I will tell you the name of the shake. (I think it was called Ultraclear Sustain.) girltomom@gmail.com Love, Heidi

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  191. I’m so sorry! Tentacles crossed for a good answer to your problems this time.

    Like

  192. I don’t get to poop in a hat. I have to float a Very Special Paper Towel on the toilet water and poop on that and grab the poop before it sinks enough to touch the normal water. So it’s a poop and agility test. So I have performance anxiety that I’ll do it wrong and have to phone the nurse and say, ” I failed the poop test. Is there a remedial version?”

    Liked by 1 person

  193. My brother used to say “go shit in your hat” as some form of insult. It sounded funny. I would almost rather have to hand in a hat sample after what I went through post-vasectomy in 2002.

    So….after a few weeks you have to provide a sample to a lab so they can ensure the procedure was successful. I left for the lab on my way to where I worked. I pulled a hooded sweater over my face with the intention of putting the sample in on the counter and walking away.

    Get to the lab and there is a lineup. A fucking lineup. Of at least thirty people waiting to get in. Once the placed opened I realized all of the people were there to give blood, or other fluid/solid samples, I stealthily made my way up to the desk and placed my sample on the counter. I was five steps away when I heard a voice call out “Sir! You forgot to write down the time that you did this sperm sample”.

    After dying of embarrassment. I wrote down something that resembled a time on the label and ran like hell.

    I bid you a lifetime of green tea (if I could afford it). But most important of all, that you remain cancer free.

    @WriterDann

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  194. I see I’m not the only one who immediately thought of the Scrubs “Poo Song.”

    We’ll keep our fingers crossed!!!

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  195. Aw shit. I am SO sorry you have to go through this. D: Please don’t die..we’d miss you.

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    mommatrek recently posted Meal planning, among other things.

  196. Oh Jenny!! I had to scoop my poop into a wee container and I didn’t even GET a hat – I had to put a layer of Glad cling wrap on my toilet to catch the goods. I was NOT Glad, but it did cling, and I thought seriously of sending a nice note to the Glad people to tell them how good their product was, but I thought it might gross them out, so I didn’t. But then I had to take my cling wrap full of poop (and blood, but I think that’s TMI) and scoop it into the the little container and then take it back to the lab and after all that plus the shish-ka-bobbing, had some polyps snipped and was told there was no cancer and I could come back and have it all done again in three years and don’t worry if I see blood because I’m not dying.

    I just re-read that…that’s an awful lot of shitty stuff to read. I’m sorry. If I could post a .gif or a meme here to give your brain something better to think about, I would. But I can’t.

    Ice Cream

    oxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

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  197. As they say on Scrubs, “Everything comes down to poo.” I hope you get some answers. My hospital also gives all its results on this thing called mychart. The problem with mychart is that half the time it won’t recognize my password or user name. This is a problem they’ve had for awhile so you can imagine trying to get a test result and being told over and over that you are not you. I wish they’d just call but if you call the office, they tell you to check your mychart…

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  198. 200
    Wernigirl

    …And there goes burrito night….

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  199. Where do you find these gifs? Because they are amazing. Gif talking is the gift that keeps on giving.

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  200. Jenny, what do you need? How can I help support you during this time. Let me know. I’m here. You mean the world to me!
    Write me at: thedepressedyogi@gmail.com
    I’d like to send you one of my handmade comfort bunnies. Where can I ship him to?
    Hugs, love!
    Jenny (a.k.a. The Depressed Yogi

    Like

  201. Asshat! Lol, hard to top that one. It’s so funny to read everyone’s comments and see how many of us have gone through the same piss and shit collecting, I can so relate to what you’re going through, with my own gut issues, anemia, etc. It’s even more frustrating without a definitive diagnosis, because it’s a crapshoot trying to treat something when you don’t know what it is. Good luck with everything, Jenny.

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  202. I laughed. I cried. I envisioned you shitting in a hat. Good stuff.

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    BipolarOnFire recently posted The Time Is Now!.

  203. Just went through this. The good news is that YOU can poop on demand and they gave you hat and gloves… Check out L-Glutamine, Aloe Vera Juice (both anti-inflammatory – different ends), Sodium Butyrate (smells like stinky feet but heals everything), and, my personal favorite fermented anything… kimchi, miso, liquid acidophilus … fingers and toes crossed that they figure this out quickly for you.

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  204. I hope you get better, but at the same time hope your life gets weirder so you can surpass Furiously Happy.

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  205. Medical butt stuff isn’t fun. Unless that’s your kink, I guess, but it doesn’t sound like it, so imma maintain that its “not fun.” Back when I was a wee girl with terrible tummy trouble (which I still have for no apparent reason), my Mom was the poop dissector. Only we didn’t have a fancy toilet hat, we used a (unused, because cross contamination is a thing you learn about in fourth grade Science) plastic bag to catch the doodie butter. This might be easier if you had to to this for Hailey, but self-care is just as important as childcare. Even with shit. Or is it especially with shit? Probably “especially,” unless you work as a plumber/in the sewers, I guess. Even then it’d be pretty shitty, though. I digress, the shit you’re going through sucks all variations of chode. 😦

    Sterilize that motherfucker for future usage as an actual asshat! Or don’t. It’s your asshat, do with it as ye please. I’d spraypaint and display it on a taxidermied Donkey mount. But I’m crazy.

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  206. I’m sure glad I read this while at home, because I’m laugh-snorting (snorghling?) hard enough that the cats woke up to look at me funny.
    Wishing you answers, rare beasts that those are!

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  207. 209
    Anonymous

    I started reading this as I sat down for dinner. I was okay until the toilet hat part and started visualizing the whole thing. I still ate because I was hungry but it made my salad a little less appealing.

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  208. I started reading this as I sat down for dinner. Oops.

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  209. My daughter had a similar problem and test results. The doctor suggested she try eliminating gluten from her diet and it worked. Maybe some kind of food allergy is causing your insides to be angry.

    Like

  210. As someone with autoimmune diseases, one of which is ulcerative colitis (lots of poop talk!), this post was exactly what I needed today. I’m going for another colonoscopy in a couple weeks, and I’ll reread this while I’m all gowned up in the waiting area.
    P.S.- I hope they figure out where you’re hoarding your blood.

    Like

  211. 213
    Anonymous

    Thanks for educating me about toilet hats. Who knew? Not me, that’s for sure. ❤

    Like

  212. You can comfort yourself with the fact that you don’t have smear poop (from in the middle of the log where it is ‘not contaminated’) onto prepared slides for several days before returning the whole mess to the lab. Yeah, that was a fun time, followed by the lab results…’didn’t find anything’. All that shit smearing in vain. sigh

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  213. Jenny my beloved Jenny, I laughed harder at this post than I have at any previous post of yours which is saying quite a lot. I am still laughing.
    And you are writing about a TERRIBLE STOMACH CONDITION that is on stage three where four might mean something even much worse.

    Honestly, girl, I don’t know how you do this.
    I can only conclude that you are a genius…………but that has been obvious for a long time.

    You absolutely must get better. Please get better.
    The universe needs you, and needs you to be healthy.

    I am sending you all my love and positive energy every single day.
    I feel better after reading your posts than I do before reading them every single time.
    Please get better.

    Like

  214. I had to give a poop sample many years ago. No gloves, no fancy pooping hat. Just “bring us some of your poop.” Long story short, pooped in a Cool Whip container.

    Like

  215. It’s awkward enough taking my cats’ poop into the vet and I always feel compelled to say something like “I brought you a present! Look what we made for you! Butt-crafted!” Also…asshat. John Greene calls Tom Buchanan an “asshat” in one of his Gatsby discussions. He is correct. Tom is a giant asshat. My 4th period class and I ran with the phrasing.

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  216. 218
    Anonymous

    They want 900 milliliters of poop? Challenge accepted.

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  217. Oh my gosh Jenny. My inability to control myself when faced with poop humor is legend in my family so no one was surprised to find out I made myself crying laughing when reading this.

    I hope they find answers for you soon. My mom has a rare bleeding condition called Osler-Weber-Rendu that is through her entire digestive tract (also known as HHT) and boy every doctor we drop that on for the first time tilts their head like a dog, uses the Google, then comes back and says “how interesting! I’ve never heard of that before!” Yay?

    Like

  218. 220
    Anonymous

    For future reference, you can usually poop AT the lab (well, the lab’s bathroom) as long as you have to “go” at the right time. Then you don’t have to deal with freezing it, etc.

    Like

  219. The doctor thanked me yesterday for having such a fascinating and baffling rash for him to puzzle over. Ummm… you’re welcome??

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  220. 222
    Annie Bannanie

    We found a good size blob of bear poo in our yard this morning (in which my sweet little princesses chihuahua promptly rolled). What kind of craziness do you think would happen at the lab if you presented bear poo as your poo? Dare ya just for fun!

    Like

  221. 223
    Anonymous

    This is hilarious in a very shitty way. But all humor aside, sending positive vibes your way.

    Like

  222. 224
    Robin Mead

    This is hilarious in a very shitty way. But all humor aside, sending positive vibes your way.

    Like

  223. 225
    Anonymous

    Human suffering has never been so f’ing funny! This is obviously a very shitty situation but my god woman! How you manage to bring laughter to this shitshow is some kind of wonderful magic! You are a hero of astronomical (or asstronomical if you will) proportions! Thank you so much for being you and being so damn vulnerable!

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  224. Human suffering has never been so f’ing funny! This is obviously a very shitty situation but my god woman! How you manage to bring laughter to this shitshow is some kind of wonderful magic! You are a hero of astronomical (or asstronomical if you will) proportions! Thank you so much for being you and being so damn vulnerable!

    Like

  225. Medical mystery odysseys are never fun. About 5 years ago I started having some sort of unidentifiable pain in my lady parts. It went:
    Family Doc (“maybe yeast infection?”)
    Family Doc (“I don’t know – let’s send you somewhere else.”)
    Gyn (“Dryness?”)
    Different Gyn (“Yeast infection?”)
    Different Family Doc (“Don’t give up, let’s try someone else.”)
    3rd different Gyn (“let’s change your pills”)
    3rd Gyn again (“Pills didn’t work? Let’s try surgery.”)
    GYN surgeom (“Nope! Physical therapy might work…”)
    Vagina Physical therapy – three months worth – which involved a sphincter sensor… ( “Imagine you’re picking up a marble with your vagina.”)
    And then finally back to the surgeon (“It’s fractionally better than before? Wonderful! Have a great life!”)
    Things still aren’t right, & that puts a damper on romancy time, but I just couldn’t take anymore. It certainly wasn’t anything life threatening, but it was crazy frustrating. I hope they can figure out what’s going on with you soon & without 8000 more tests.

    Like

  226. So apparently, toilet hat is not the same superhero as Rocket Hat in Basic Instructions, so there’s something I learned today.

    Like

  227. 229
    evilnewwargod

    ““That’s a toilet hat” which was even more confusing because why does my toilet need a hat? I don’t even have matching towels. But turns out it’s like a plastic hat that you put on the toilet seat so you can shit in it and then transfer the poo into a jar.”

    This is quite possibly the best thing I have ever read.

    Like

  228. Wish I’d had a hat!!! I had to put Saran Wrap loosely over the toilet bowl and let the plastic wrap catch my business. THEN put it in a jar. My how things have changed. You go, girl!!

    Like

  229. I had to do this while back after I had no answers from my endoscopy/colonoscopy. Totally get this. I didn’t even tell my husband I was doing it, because I figured he would tell me I couldn’t keep the poop in the freezer, and I needed to do the darn test. The best thing was that out of all the tests they did, this was the only one that actually gave a result. I hope that you have more test results that help get you some answers, but let’s hope this is one of them!

    Like

  230. Stomach and intestinal issues are awful. I have not had the tests. Did the FODMAP elimination- honey was one of the worst offenders which i have trouble believing to this day. I also take a tablespoonor two of Bragg’s Apple Cider fermented vinegar with a teasoon or so of lemon in an 8-12 ounce glass of warm to hot water. This has really helped. If stomach seems off before dinner do about a teaspoon of the Bragg’s with a hint of lemon in warm to hot water. Really helped me. Also white bread etc, does not bother me. Whole grains make me want to die as does broccoli, kale and a few other things. Sadly I like them all. Good luck. Keep us posted and laughing. Sending prayers to you and yours.

    Like

  231. You should see if they can just create “bionic bowels” for you. I have a replacement spine (sorta – lots of titanium keeping it from collapsing and killing me) but the next time they do “maintenance” for the rod I broke, I am asking for a wifi receiver, so I can be a “hot spot”. If they can make me not into a slinky, I hope they can fix this for you. Plus, I thought bionic bowels sounded funky 😉

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  232. 235
    Doug in Oakland

    My doctor asked for another poop-sample this week also. Apparently I have to give them one every year now. It’s just a little bitty one, though, a stick that screws into a specimen vial, and no toilet hat to catch it, just a square piece of flushable paper.
    It does seem awkward handing it to the nurse at Highland, though: “Here’s the turd Dr. Nelson asked for…”

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  233. If she gets a toilet hat, we’ll all want toilet hats! It’ll be chaos!

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  234. 237
    Nancy Griffin

    Hilarious! I’m sooo sorry for you but you make it so darn funny I can’t help laughing. Health problems suck big time.

    Like

  235. You are brilliant, inspiring, and I can’t wait to read more of your stuff… thanks for existing and being so real, funny, and just completely fantastic.

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  236. 239
    Anonymous

    Everything comes down to poo!

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  237. You have the easy part….leaving the sample…..try being the one who has to handle random poops all day long! I work in a hospital lab, and after 20 years, it doesn’t get any easier or less weird! Just be glad it wasn’t a timed collection because those REALLY stink!
    P.S. and yes we are SUPER Serious about no pee in the poop samples
    P.P.S. the hats look like part of a pilgrim outfit if put on your head…clean of course!

    Like

  238. Do you have neutropenia? My Dad does and they think maybe his bowel polyps are are the cause of his low blood counts. They chop them out when he is well enough – his are pretty rampant – but it never seems to make any difference.

    Like

  239. Let the shit talk begin.
    This crap writes itself.
    When your day poops out.
    Yup. I got a butt-load of ’em….

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  240. Ho. Lee. Shit. (Okay, it’s not a special Chinese dish, as that would be Ho-Lee Shit. Or if it were a Mexican dish, it might be Holy Shitholes, y’know pronounced like Speedy Gonzales wouold have done, if that sort of talk were allowed in cartoons in the 70s! Anyway…)

    On the hat part of this post, I can only think about Julia Roberts wearing it to Ascot in ‘Pretty Woman’. Maybe she would’ve or maybe not, but that’s the way my mind works.

    Like

  241. Not one, but TWO people beat me to the pool song from Scrubs… Hope it brought out a laugh or three, as all this is incredibly frustrating. Shrugs and I don’t knows are sometimes worse than answers, even bad ones.

    Like

  242. PLEASE try Garden of Life Mood Probiotic! It really helps all my people with GI issues tremendously, and it helps your mood and anxiety too! I don’t sell it or make money off it, but it has changed my own and my patients lives!

    Like

    rhondafriedapn recently posted Doggie Love.

  243. 246
    Kim Murphy

    Yep, oohhh so much fun!! I had to do all of that too. They never did figure it out. WTH, really. Lol I got 6 units of blood and 3 iron infusions. Now I take a prenatal vitamin everyday and my iron is good. Hang in there!!

    Like

  244. Sorry you are going through all this shit…literally!!! Sending you positive vibes your way!!!

    Like

  245. Sorry you have to go through this, but the hat is kinda cool and you get to knock a few things off your bucket list.

    Like

    Jen recently posted Dropbox Phishing Scam – Don’t Click on the Links!!!.

  246. Just wanted to say that I’m right there with you on the ambiguous stomach results. I have chronic autoimmune gastritis, and intestinal metaplasia too. My doctors response was literally shrug, and a follow up of “guess we’ll do endoscopies every year or so, just to check” and I was told I could get a second opinion.

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  247. All puns have been made, none can be topped. Still I laffed my ass off because that was the most hilarious blog I’ve ever read. NO SHIT.

    Like

  248. I hope everything turns out all right and I’m glad you have a good sense of humor about everything. I like the idea of writing “Don’t eat shit” on a bag and putting all the ice cream in it before putting it in the freezer. That way I might actually get to eat some. 🙂

    Like

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Book Review: “The Devil’s Dance”.

  249. 252
    cherylnoble

    My doctor was getting bitchy because he wanted a colonoscopy which meant drinking intestinal drano like study, anesthesia and a scope up your butt. Then I heard about Cologuard that tests DNA poop for cancer. Without the butt invasion. Insurance even paid so I get this box with THE hat thing and plastic bag and a mailer box for UPS. Didn’t have to freeze it but mail it fast. Drove all over that Sunday to find nobody has UPS on Sunday. Missed church hoping God would understand my mission. So I had to save my poop for another day. Totally weird

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 2 people

  250. In related news, fortune tellers abandon tea-leaf reading and order asshats. “It’s just more scientific” said an expert, who this reporter kept downwind for the interview.
    Do customers like the results? “Business is booming.”

    Like

  251. 254
    Anonymous

    You got a spare, right? Poop hat= Hallowe’en Costume Acquisition Accomplishment – Unlocked!
    Or is it a joke that’s too “inside?”

    Like

  252. You are hilarious. I love how you can take serious topics and turn them into super funny stuff! Hope all is well though!

    Like

  253. 256
    Anonymous

    I shouldnt be laughing so hard the tears are rolling down my legs, but I am. In solidarity if that makes it better; I too know what a toilet hat is for, I never conjured 1 10th the humor from it that you have. Wishing you the best results.

    Like

  254. Oh no – hate that this is drawn out for you. I had repeated colonscopy and sigmoidoscopy, etc for years. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I had an endoscopy. They decided FINALLY that I had celiac disease. All those years they had been coming in from the wrong angle. Now I just miss sheet cake, break, etc.

    Like

    ernie recently posted something to raise an eyebrow at.

  255. Did the Cologuard myself and when I handed it to my UPS guy at the office he asked what it was…I said “you dont want to know” and laughed…when it came back positive I freaked but a colonoscopy came back negative. Still dont know why I have stomach pains after eating and excessive burping.

    Like

  256. I was scheduled for a colonoscopy but it got canceled by the office, and I didn’t reschedule… I guess my next step will be the tiny poopsicle, which is the not-quite-as-fucked-up-as-an-asshat version. Blech.

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted Day Four, or That Time I Tried Cleansing While On Set.

  257. 260
    Stephanie

    I really feel for you. Gastric and invisible illnesses are tough. I got very ill with gastric illness that resulted in colonoscopy, endoscopy, and the camera pill, along with tests for fructose, glucose, and lactose intolerance. I also religiously brought poop samples to the clinic. They were confounded. I dropped 20 pounds in two months. All they came up with…must be IBS…we would like to put you on a drug to help that, but there’s a strong possibility it could kill you, sign here please. I did not take it. I went to a RD instead. I thought my diet was healthy. Turns out I was eating too many fruits and vegetables and not enough of anything else. Long story short… don’t stop until you find out why your body is trying to kill you.

    Like

  258. First of all, feel good. Second of all, I just laughed so hard. Third of all – the toilet hat must be because of Texas b/c I’ve only ever gotten a a large piece of flush-able paper that you drape across the toilet bowl, do your business on that, take a little piece into the jar, and then flush the rest bye-bye. The toilet hat (while funny) is just gross : )

    Like

  259. I’m afraid this is necessary to share at this point, mainly for Victor. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbYWhdLO43Q

    Like

  260. Well shit (no pun intended or maybe there was) If it’s any consolation I have a veritable plethora of toilet hats and clean catch urine cups in the bathroom for reasons best left undisclosed. I have decided that they will be used in a modern sculpture where people can put on exam gloves and search through it in search of treasure. Good luck to you.

    Like

  261. Good god, that was a hilarious post. Thanks for always making me laugh and trying to see the bright side of things. Good luck with the frozen shit.

    Like

  262. My mom had to swallow the camera pill. Apparently it’s a very large pill, but it takes awesome full-color images of your insides. The not-so-great part is that you have to poop in a colander or something similar until it comes out so you can catch it and send it back in. My advice is, ask to have a brand new camera pill that hasn’t already been pooped out by someone, because there is no amount of cleaning that will make that ok to put I’m your mouth.

    Like

  263. So I can vouch for this saving my life:
    Get slippery elm root capsules and licorice root capsules(natural food stores, Amazon, some grocery stores) Take two of the slippery elm and one licorice root three times a day for a week. Drink with plenty of water befor you eat anything. I tried everything for over 12 years. And this suggestion happened to come up 2x in one month from very different people and so obviously that’s a sign. I’m not usually a “herbs are the answer” kind of girl. But Girl, these are the answer for chronic gastritis. It may take a month to repair your stomach lining but I’m pretty sure I could bet on this one to help 😉

    Stay hydrated, go swimming for stress. And I would love to hear if this helps you 💗

    Like

  264. Only recently found your blog and then started reading Furiously Happy and now ping pong between laughing uncontrollably and almost crying. And now this. Lots of thoughts of the appropriate kind coming your way (I’m in Wales.. no jokes) as it’s all I can offer.

    Liked by 1 person

  265. Poopcicle? I thought I would never hear that word. Actually – It never occurred to me to think I would never hear that word in the first place.

    Okay – I’m going to put this out there – you need Plexus – your gut is telling you are full of bad icky stuff – and you need good stuff to kill the bad stuff. In other words – probiotics, prebiotics and oxygen in your intestines to flush it all out. And it might help your RA and depression too. It has helped my fibro and depression….

    Okay – let me know if you want to talk about it…. ask your Doc too.

    Like

  266. As an RN of 30 yrs, I can only add this to your top hat & gloves https://youtu.be/jsVgi8hoFFc

    Like

  267. I loved this post.

    Like

  268. Good luck. I hope you don’t have to figure out how to cure yourself. But I’m so skeptical of doctor’s especially in this G and RA, that I tend to side with the people suggesting all kinds of different alternative remedies. But which ones? I don’t know.

    Like

    alawrenceg recently posted I Live in Alternate Realities.

  269. All I can say is THANK YOU for putting the hat on and doing a dance! Very awesome in every way:)

    Like

  270. A bad gastritis attack hurts more than labor. Zantac is the only thing that helps when I get a gastritis attack.

    Like

  271. Will Dennis Quaid be inside the camera pill?

    Like

    Arionis recently posted Let’s Get LIIT!.

  272. I hope you get some answers, Jenny! Feel better! ❤

    Like

  273. 277
    MrsSteelToe

    Well shit! I do hope you stay at stage “yep that is abnormal but also not definitive or treatable” but some small part of me is hoping for the pill-cam instagram!!

    Like

  274. 278
    Anonymous

    Yes!Yes!Yes! I was crying from laughing so hard bc I unfortunately just had to give a “sample” and it was absolutely awful and yet hilarious at the same time. May I never have to do that again! Next, a colonoscopy. Fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  275. I vividly remember chasing my 4 year old through the house with the toilet hat on his head (before use thank god) No fun at all but I have blackmail pictures to show his future wife. In his case it was giardia, in your case I’m hoping nothing serious. Hang in there and think of all the fun stories you’re getting.

    Liked by 1 person

  276. I am in the same boat regarding sending in a “sample”, though I guess I am not as fancy. I did not receive a hat, but a cardboard “bowl” that looks like the one that is usually used for French fries at a ball park. I did, however, receive the gloves, so…

    Liked by 1 person

  277. Jenny, I don’t know if you’ll read all of these, or if you already know Jen of Cake Wrecks/Epbot (if you don’t, you seriously should!) – but she also has Hashimoto’s and wrote a little about it.
    http://www.epbot.com/2015/05/my-hashimotos-crash-course-another.html

    Also, you will find a way through this, and you will be okay.

    Thank you for all that you do and the joy that you bring to others. I hope you find a way through soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  278. Jenny I know just how you feel. I had the same procedures done. I felt like something invaded my body. Hopefully you will receive some positive feedback soon

    Liked by 1 person

  279. 283
    Anonymous

    Sadly, I can relate to the stomach issues. I’ve had chronic gastritis and it took me 21 years to get diagnosed. My meds control it mostly and I have been in stage 3 (well, that’s not good) for my whole life (41 years now) so, welcome, welcome. We might be okay or it might kill us one day–basically like everything else in life.

    Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  280. 284
    Grace Polywkan

    I’ve had ulcerative colitis since I was 9 years old, so I relate to your poop hat story. Except I’m from Canada, and they don’t make us freeze our shit here. Probably because it’s so cold already

    Liked by 1 person

  281. Literally took me 10 tries to read the whole post! Busted out laughing every third sentence. Roommate came in to check on me. Thought I was having nervous breakdown! 😂😂😂😂😂 Get well soon MOTHERFUCKER! Day. Made.

    Liked by 1 person

  282. 286
    Anonymous

    SLE/RA/fibro/celiac
    A doc tells me I could be cured from this with a transplant of shit. They think I need a bunch of bacteria from a healthy person.

    Like

  283. 287
    ClumsyCalamity

    I am new to your blog, and I am dying laughing right now!
    I have been battling a lot of health issues myself this last year, which includes me in the poop in a little paper tray, and turn it into a poopsicle for non answers as well!
    I share your frustration, and your humor, as making jokes about everything from poopsicles to wigs for hair loss has been whats keeping me going!!
    Thank you for this!
    I’ve been thinking about doing a blog myself, but the energy just isn’t there.
    Keep doing you girly!!

    Liked by 1 person

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