An open letter to the pet sitter that we probably won’t send because we’re not monsters and also we don’t want her to run away.

Next week we’re going on a road trip from Washington to Colorado so we hired a pet-sitter to watch the cats and Lizard Bordan and keep us from being robbed but we weren’t sure if we’d be able to meet with her personally before we left so I decided to write her a letter to leave on the table just in case, and it quickly devolved into insanity because I was drinking.

Dear pet sitter.

Welcome to our house.  We have 42 cats. They are JJ, Squirts, Little Tommy, Diarrhea Paul, Tater and the rest are named after all of the former members of Menudo.   Tater is missing his back legs (he came that way) but we made him peg legs out of old chicken bones. You can hear him coming unless he’s on carpet. Then he’ll sneak up on you. Unless he’s eaten the chicken legs.  Then you have to get new ones and reattach, as usual.

I know you’re technically a “pet sitter” but we always leave a sandwich out for the ghost of Michael Jackson. If you don’t mind, I mean. Also, please sing to the soul of my Aunt Susan. She is not at peace. We captured her soul in a box under the stairs but she’s tenacious. She might possess you. Do not listen if she starts talking to you.  Maybe consider saying Lord’s Prayer and burning some sage before you leave so her spirit doesn’t follow you home. Up to you.  I don’t want to tell you how to do your job. You’re the professional. 

The cats are soothed by a daily live dance show. Nothing elaborate. Just gyrate.  It doesn’t have to be professional. Do not play music though because it bothers them. If you can’t dance without music then hum the Star Spangled Banner. That’s what we do. If they still seem irritated after your dance it might be Aunt Susan doing a mocking dance behind you.  Cats are sensitive to angry spirits and sarcastic dance.  Just scream “QUIT IT, SUSAN.  THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN A BOX” and start again.

When entering and leaving our home please give the finger to our neighbor, Randy. He’s a real asshole and we want him to know that other people are catching on. Maybe yell, “WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID, RANDY.”  Feel free to ad-lib.  

If the cats pee on the floor please make them feel better about it by peeing on the floor next to them. Then clean it up immediately and shame yourself. They’ll understand what you’re doing. 

Do not turn on any lights when you visit at night.  It disturbs the bats.

Sometimes there are bats.

We did have a viper but you don’t have to feed it because it disappeared a few months ago. Maybe shuffle your feet across the floor like you do around stingrays so he knows you’re coming and you won’t step directly on him.  He would probably hate that.

Also, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but maybe make us a cake for the day we come back? Just as a gift. Cakes are delicious. Some of us are on a diet so maybe half no-carb and the other half chocolate wedding cake.

If you could breed the cats while we’re gone that would be fine. But don’t breed them with animals that aren’t cats. We don’t want to come home to a griffin or a centaur. This isn’t the Island of Doctor Moreau. This is our home. Also, don’t let Susan name any newborns. That’s our job and she is awful at it. That’s how we got Diarrhea Paul.  (Who, as you will see, is accurately named but it’s a bit too on-the-nose.  We don’t need reminding, Susan.)

You must feed the colony of raccoons who live under the porch by hand. Do NOT feed the bad ones. You’ll know which ones the bad ones are. Trust me. Do not get human blood on the porch. It attracts stuff.  Don’t feed the stuff.

You said you’d also take care of plants. Dont get them wet.  Wait, no, that’s gremlins.  Do get them wet.  But not too wet.  They can’t swim. 

Please do not put pajamas on the cats until after 8pm. It messes up their sleeping schedule. They’ll act like this is all new but I assure you it’s not.  Their Instagram accounts should be updated each day.  Please review the last 3 years of posts so that you can understand and imitate each of their personal voices.  If you don’t get 3 likes per picture you’re doing it wrong.  If you get more than 11 likes on a picture please note whatever you’re doing because that is a record.

If we die while on vacation you become the legal guardian of all of our animals and also Aunt Susan.  You can’t have the bats though.  No one owns bats.

Hugs,

me

PS. Inflatable unicorn horns are under the sink if needed.

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178 replies. read them below or add one

  1. HAHAHAHHA. I love your unicorn.

    Liked by 1 person

    Michelle recently posted The Big Fat Crayon.

  2. Now I want to read more about Susan.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Lord lol….. I’m a pet sitter on rover.com and can’t even imagine what she thought of your letter. although I’m sure if she’s sat for you before she’s probably used to it by now. if you use promo code JOYWOLF20 you get $20 off your first service fyi 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Brilliant! Also, where in Washington are you going? That’s where I live! 🙂

    (Seattle and Spokane. And your house maybe. Have a guest room ready. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 4 people

  5. hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are evil. In the absolutely best sense. Heh.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. omg I LIVE for your blogs….

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I used to have a cat named Paul. But not Diarrhea Paul. My name is also Paul. But not Diarrhea Paul. I was so impressed with the imagery evoked by that name that I’m currently weighing two options: 1) get another cat, name it Diarrhea Paul; 2) legally change own name to Diarrhea Paul. I’ll keep you posted on what I decide.

    Liked by 13 people

    desertcurmudgeon recently posted Your Amygdala Is Showing.

  9. SUSAN!

    Like

  10. I like to give sitters and guests warning of the 3 nanny cams that may or may not be randomly hidden around the house.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I’m pet sitting a friends cat at the moment, Her written instructions started thusly “Effy is a real simple bitch”
    https://damngirlgetyourshittogether.com/

    Liked by 6 people

  12. “Sometimes there are bats” Is going to be my new answer to everything:

    “Hello! How are you doing?” “Sometimes there are bats.”

    Liked by 10 people

    Misfit Marjorie recently posted Poppy Seed McGuffins.

  13. She’s screwed.

    Liked by 1 person

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Hot mess airplane travel tips.

  14. 14
    mrsscarlet

    Why the glaring absence of instructions for the care of Beyonce? Won’t she need shining and strategic positioning at a minimum? Mary Puffins is going to need more information. Shall we add-on to your letter? 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  15. I imagine the dance for the cats looking something like this …

    https://giphy.com/gifs/QF7AIcsPX9rTW

    Liked by 2 people

    Liz @ Yes/No Detroit recently posted GIVEAWAY: Digital download of HBO's Wizard of Lies {ends 7/30}.

  16. The most interesting thing under my sink is a baggie full of homemade ant poison, which looks a lot like cocaine.

    I’d rather have a stash of inflatable unicorn horns.

    Liked by 2 people

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Doing more: We went to the roller derby!.

  17. 17
    Nancy Durant

    Crying. At. My. Desk.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I love you so.

    Like

  19. She doesn’t have to care for the Yard Gerbils or your new pet Squirrel? You haven’t given her nearly enough to do. For real though, I leave our poor pet sitters a full User’s Guide Book for our home and animals. I am sure they all think I am insane.

    Liked by 2 people

    celebrenithil recently posted Look at this blast from the past!.

  20. I would love to be your pet sitter, but I’m in Wisconsin and I’m allergic to Texas.

    Liked by 5 people

  21. Perfectly,priceless post! Can I watch your cats?

    Liked by 1 person

    mylifeiswear.com recently posted Speaking Teenager 2017: The Short Course In 8 Simple Steps.

  22. I needed this today. Fortunately I was alone in my office so no one was there to ask what I was cackling about so loudly. I am sharing with my cat-sitter.

    Like

  23. And now I want to be your pet sitter. I’d make you any kind of cake you want, and name all the kittens after rare diseases. “Come get a nice saucer of milk, Methemoglobinemia…”

    Liked by 3 people

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 147: I am Descended From Royalty, Deadly Distractions.

  24. That’s hilarious. I would love to leave a letter like that, but I’m pretty sure my wife would not allow it.

    Liked by 1 person

    theycallmetater recently posted High School Reunion.

  25. That is a fantastic letter. You should send it. Do you need someone to look after all the dead animals and metal animals?

    Liked by 2 people

    Gary Lum recently posted Frosty reflections.

  26. I read this while at work and was laughing so hard but also trying not to laugh out loud that I snorted so loudly that my manager stopped by my desk to see if I was ok but I couldn’t tell her the real reason for the loud noise (obviously because I shouldn’t be doing anything enjoyable at work) so I just shook my head and wiped away my tears and told her it was a sneeze and then she said ok and walked back to her office after stopping in the kitchen to wash her hands. Maybe because a sneeze that sounded like that MUST be indicative of something horribly contagious? I don’t know. Anyways, long story short…THAT WAS TOO DAMN FUNNY!
    And I want to know more about Susan, because she sounds fascinating. And also because my kids named the GPS system in our car Susan and I never did like her very much.

    Liked by 3 people

  27. I love the names of your pets. We have a rooster named Cluck Norris. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  28. If you come home and have starving cats who haven’t been fed this letter would be why. Enjoy your trip.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. Apparently I need to write a better letter for my cat sitter!

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Don’t forget moving the owl. Can’t let the lawn gerbils win while you’re gone. The only thing better than this letter would be to actually leave it with a hidden camera. 🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  31. After reading that I hereby volunteer for petsitting duties in the future! 😹😹

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Ermagerd. Tears. Safe travels!

    Liked by 2 people

  33. Don’t quit posting while on vacay. We need you. Daily.

    (I’ll be posting. No worries. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  34. Since you mentioned your upcoming Colorado trip, I’m going to hit you with some links. I’ve lived here just over 20 years and I’m still finding cool place, but these are some favorites of mine:
    Of course, Casa Bonita. Here’s their official site, plus a “survival guide.” It is surreal and must be experienced to be believed.: http://www.casabonitadenver.com; http://www.westword.com/restaurants/how-to-survive-casa-bonita-the-worlds-weirdest-mexican-restaurant-5774262
    Dinosaur Ridge — see real dino tracks and get a gorgeous view of the plains. It’s also very near Red Rocks Amphitheater, which is cool to visit and hike around when there’s no show happening. http://www.dinoridge.org
    Last, but not least, I cannot stress this enough, you must visit: http://www.buckhorn.com If it’s not busy, the upstairs bartender will regale you with historic tales of this wonderful place.

    Liked by 3 people

  35. 35
    fruitcakewriter

    Are you going to visit a bookstore in Denver? Elsewhere in Colorado?

    Liked by 1 person

  36. 36
    Cheryl Swayne

    As a pet sitter and farm sitter, this in spot on. You did forget to mention the mini horse might go into heat and need for the stallion to mount her, but that they don’t really know how to have sex, so you have to provide sex education and PHYSICALLY help them thru first time jitters. Yes. Really. And St. Bernard pregnant females walk around between pups, randomly dropping them on the floor as they poop out puppies, so you have wash blood off every floor, bed, and carpet in the house and put them in a cute box together. They all look cute when the humans come home and you hope they never find out their house looked like a CSI crime scene just 12 hours earlier. Yes. Really. Please leave keys to the 3/4 ton, so I can hook up the stock trailer, drive out to the pasture, lure a 3,000 bull into the trailer. Take it to a stall 2 miles away where your barn is, then doctor his injured foot for a week, from outside the stall because his entire face is bigger than my car and flat-footed I am only as tall as his front leg. And please leave towels. The llama spits in my face every damn day.

    Liked by 7 people

  37. 37
    fruitcakewriter

    If you go to Casa Bonita, remember that you go there for amusing weirdness, not for the food!

    Liked by 2 people

  38. I would totally be your pet sitter. That is amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Did you move? I thought you lived in Texas. I need to consult a map but Washington is not that
    close to Texas for the starting point of a trip.

    (We’re flying to Seattle and renting a car. It takes a million years to drive out of Texas. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 4 people

  40. You can stay at my house! I have hedgehogs 😍

    Also I am a house sitter and I would laugh so hard if someone left me this note.

    Liked by 2 people

  41. You can always stay at my house! I live in Cheyenne, Wyoming and I have a nice room downstairs where you can hide😀

    Liked by 2 people

  42. 42
    Ray Anselmo

    You forgot to add how Magnif I. Cat starts yowling at full volume if you don’t perform a pre-Vatican II Catholic Mass for her at precisely 6am (Standard Time; cats don’t follow Daylight Savings). Pet sitter will get a rude awakening if they don’t know that.

    Liked by 2 people

  43. 43
    Eddie Roosenmaallen

    I kind of want to come pet sit for you. It sounds awesome. Except for Susan. And Randy, but at least I et to flip him off.
    If you ever come to Ontario, you can stay in our guest room. Garage, whatever. We have awesome desks for hiding under.

    Like

  44. I pet sit regularly, and if I got a letter like that it would make my YEAR! That’s so much better than all the boring stuff such as what the pets eat and how often, their medications, the vet’s #, etc. Who needs all that when you have Susan and Dirrahea Paul?

    Liked by 2 people

  45. HA!! Your brain is my absolute favourite place in the entire world. Thank you, Jenny, for sharing your magic with us, and for refusing to be anything but wonderfully weird you. You make my heart sing and I just fucking love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    the incurable dreamer recently posted what the hell is going on?.

  46. Can you write all my correspondence for me??? 🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 2 people

    supercatgrrl recently posted Rape Doesn’t Require Bruises: Ending the Silence.

  47. Goddess, you’re amazing. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  48. Everyone knows what Randy did.

    Liked by 3 people

    becomingcliche recently posted The Introverted Activist: Back In the Game.

  49. It hurts when I laugh this much! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  50. I could NOT love you any more than I do right this second after reading that (and giggling ridiculously loudly AT WORK – THANKS JENNY!). You are my special weirdo unicorn and I heart you so very very much. Not like with a real beating heart, because EWWWWW, but in an empirical kind of way. With a heart. My heart. My heart will go on… NEAR, FAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

    Liked by 2 people

  51. What about Dorothy Barker?! Is she going with you?

    (She stays with my vet. She needs more attention than a petsitter can give. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  52. GODDAMMIT SUSAN.

    Liked by 2 people

    helloimamanda recently posted Zucchini-Noodle Lasagna.

  53. 55
    Cindy Spangler

    Diarrhea Paul, who as you will see is accurately named…SNORTING COKE (Diet Coke, not the drug kind) OUT OF MY NOSE IN A RESTAURANT! Thanks Jenny!

    Liked by 2 people

  54. I am sending this to my pet sitter right now.

    Liked by 2 people

  55. I’d house sit for you and I do that shit for a living, And I can bake low carb, AND I’m really good with ghosts.

    Liked by 2 people

    Cassie recently posted engagements.

  56. I think the bats belong to Aunt Susan. Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  57. 59
    Dawn Hyatt

    You are so weird, that it make me feel normal. I love it!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  58. This may literally be the best thing I’ve ever read. Ever. And so much on point with my life that I’m now considering leaving this for my pet sitter next week with the exception of changing Randy to Frank (although I’m not sure if Frank would notice if you called him Randy so I may just leave it). Oh and I’ll have to change under the front porch to under the deck since our front steps are solid concrete and I feel like finding the raccoons to feed under there would cause the pet sitter a lot of extra unnecessary work that I don’t want to pay for…………

    Liked by 2 people

  59. If you’re driving on your road trip, you have to check out roadsideamerica.com. Planning out our pit stops using the site was how I survived a cross-country trip with my 2 kids and how we got to see the world’s largest “booming” prairie chicken.

    http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2712

    It might be saying, “Knock, knock…”

    Liked by 2 people

  60. This was so damn funny it hurt my stomach to read it. I seriously don’t know the last time I laughed that hard! Sometimes I want to move in with you. But not in a creepy way.

    Liked by 2 people

  61. Actually, my boyfriend’s name could be Diarrhea Dave. He’s got IBS. I’ll have to see what he thinks…

    Liked by 2 people

  62. This was so damn funny it hurt my stomach to read it. I seriously don’t know the last time I laughed that hard! Sometimes I want to move in with you. But not in a creepy way. Just in an, “I want to be around someone with that brain” kind of way.

    Liked by 2 people

  63. Guest room ready and waiting in Spokane.

    Liked by 1 person

  64. Love it! Did you mean to title this “On…” instead of “An…?” Copy editor at heart here.

    (Crap! Good catch. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 2 people

  65. If only you’d posted this yesterday. I would’ve printed it and left it for my pet sitter this morning. She’d have laughed. I think.

    Liked by 2 people

  66. Can something devolve into insanity if it also starts there? I love it either way.

    Liked by 2 people

  67. Hello and Greetings from Northern Minnesota!

    I just want to say I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your blogs and I have read 2 of your books (we live on disability so money is tight) I ADORE reading what you write and can’t wait to read more! Props to you! This pet sitter won’t know what hit ’em!

    Sincerely,
    Erin

    Liked by 1 person

  68. I will pet sit for you! I will even make you cake! That was HYSTERICAL!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  69. 71
    Lee Ann Jimenez

    Colorado!! Where in Co? I would love to come hear you speak see you sign books Give out advice for proper hot roller usage! Whatever! Where will you be???? I am a Native of Colorado! I agree with the thoughts on the Buckhorn, Red Rocks and Casa Bonita. Come to the bookstore in Salida! The Book Haven! You can stay at my house in Howard.
    All the locals call it How-Weird So a perfect place. Lee Ann

    Liked by 1 person

  70. I just absolutely LOVE you!!! You brighten up my day with laughter. Thank you so much for sharing your piece of the world with us! Spokane is the BEST place to visit…..just sayin’ 🙂

    Like

  71. Thanks Jenny, seriously made my shitty day so much better. Feel free to stop in Nampa Idaho.

    Liked by 1 person

  72. I am new to you and you are kind of scaring this old lady. I think you may be even crazier than I am and live in a home even more bizarre than mine. Where do you get the courage to come out like you do? Irregardless, I want to thank and commend you for who you are. I love you like I love my dogs and cats and garden and books and all that is good and true. The world is a better place for you being in it along with the folks who follow and leave comments for you. Thank you for sharing all that you are. I love it!

    Liked by 4 people

  73. Thank you so much for this. I was having a really horribly rotten day and then I read this and cried for a much better reason than for being sad. I think I need to print this out and read it again before I go to bed so that laughter is the last thing I remember before I fall asleep and not the sadness. Thank you for this gift.

    Liked by 4 people

  74. Okay, we NEED to know more of Susan’s story! Unsettled ghosts have the best stories. Also, this post is going in my (rapidly growing) “best Bloggess posts” bookmark folder. Definitely.

    Liked by 2 people

  75. It’s insane. Almost as insane as the binder of REAL cat instructions that I leave for my sitter. If she doesn’t send daily photos documenting that everyone is alive, bad things happen.

    Liked by 3 people

    kstewand4cats recently posted Drinks On Me!.

  76. I’m here by applying for future pet sitting. I live in California but would be willing to relocate either permanently or while your on vacation. I can even take care of dorthy barker. I really good with annoyed cats and high strung dogs (I mean emotionally. I would never string up a dog) I do how every draw the line a possum sitting but if you ever get a tiger or leopard I’m ok with that. Also ghost don’t bother me even bitchy ones. If Susan gets out of line I’ll get the swans after her. Their horrid!!! Thanks for your consideration

    Like

  77. This is is now one of my top favorite posts of yours! You should totally leave this for your sitter, or at least leave it with an arrow on the bottom of the page saying “turn over”, where she’ll find the real instructions and won’t run screaming from the house.

    “Moan, moan motherfucker!”
    -Susan

    Liked by 2 people

  78. Oh man, now I feel like I need to update my ‘care and feeding’ white sheets that I keep on hand for my dogs. This is amazing and made my day.

    Liked by 1 person

    birdfashion recently posted Product Review: Mizon Good Night White Sleeping Mask.

  79. Favorite part!!! We have one of these and I will now be leaving this instruction for future sitters:

    “When entering and leaving our home please give the finger to our neighbor, Randy. He’s a real asshole and we want him to know that other people are catching on. Maybe yell, “WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID, RANDY.” Feel free to ad-lib. “

    Liked by 1 person

  80. “because I was drinking…” You had me right there.

    Liked by 1 person

  81. That. Is. Awesome!

    Totally beats my lists for my pet sitters. Although I do have to include a lengthy paragraph about George, my three footed goat. Yeah, three feet, four legs. He lost his foot in an accident before I got him. You’d think having what amounts to a home grown peg leg would slow him down but it doesn’t. So he has lots of rules. And warnings. Like don’t bend down to pick up something anywhere near him or you’ll end up suddenly flying face first into the ground.

    Oh! I do have to warn folks about the resident bull snake. He’s 6 foot long and as docile as a puppy but tends to freak folks out. Especially when he inspects your car. Which he once did to my mother while she watched in horror from the house.

    Liked by 3 people

  82. I live in WA. I’d ask you to visit me and eat lots of cake that I made you but considering the nickname of the town I live in is “crackima” well, you get the picture. Have fun in Seattle. I go there every few months to get a fill of culture, cool stuff, and people that aren’t assholes bc it doesn’t exist here.;) Safe travels and see cool stuff and post lots of pics!
    Ps-I didn’t know casa Bonita was a real thing in Colorado, I thought it was just on south park but I should have known better bc those guys make fun of everything real. But now I have earworm, with cartman singing the casa Bonita song.

    Like

  83. 85
    JenniWanKenobi

    You’re coming to Colorado! Yay! I live in Colorado Springs. Come visit!
    Franklin Delano Poochevelt, Eleanor Poochevelt, Salmakia, Rafiki, Mufasa, Tannhauser, Rasmussen, Taco and Kitters will all be excited to meet you! The husband too, probably.

    Liked by 1 person

  84. How long did you say you’ll be gone? If the sitter has enough time to breed the cats AND be there for the births, that’s a mighty long vacation. I’m just sayin’ …….. You might also think about increasing your home owners insurance for the duration, just in case Susan does possess the sitter and decides to trash the house, or throw a wild party. Existing in a box under the stairs must be pretty boring.

    Liked by 1 person

  85. “. . . just in case, and it quickly devolved into insanity because I was drinking.”

    THE STORY OF MY LIFE IN 13 WORDS

    Liked by 1 person

  86. Yeah, that Randy IS a real asshole.

    Like

  87. Next time you need a pet sitter/house sitter hit me up. Seriously. I’d make the drive AND I’d dance for the cats and I’d make sure Aunt Susan gave the karmic kick in the ass to that dumbass Randy. Plus, I’d train the porch raccoons to use Randy’s doorstep as a portapotty.

    Seriously. I already live in Texas and since I’m self-employed, I can work from anywhere.

    At your service and happy (and safe) travels!

    Liked by 2 people

    msdarkstar recently posted Shut Up and Write #2.

  88. 90
    Rebeca Ramirez

    I am at work trying unsuccessfully not to laugh too hard! You are the best!

    Liked by 2 people

  89. When you’re in Pike Place Market and you need a clean bathroom, hit me up. My office is on the corner (but which corner???)

    Liked by 2 people

  90. ROTFLMAO

    You are amaze. ❤

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted And what does that feel like, I wonder?.

  91. 93
    Kelly Melchiorre

    I am a pet sitter and I would LOVE a note like this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  92. LMAO. This is perfect. I have one pet sitter who would absolutely die laughing if I left this for her. Then again, she’s rather twisted just like us. My other pet sitter would like be concerned regarding my mental health and call an intervention. LOL. I wish I could visit you while you’re here in Seattle… But have fun – the West Coast is great and the weather is beautiful!!!

    Like

  93. Go toThe Buckhorn Exchange in Denver! Great yak and Rocky Mountain Oysters and stuffed dead things along the walls. And who doesn’t love those things?

    Like

  94. OH… and think of the wonderful replies that you could get from a pet sitter with a good sense of humor. You could come home to find out that Susan has a boyfriend (found by your friendly pet sitter) or that your pet sitter accidentally fed “the stuff” and now you have special stuff that you are required to feed twice daily after feeding the raccoons. (So maybe now you do have to feed the bad raccoons?) Yeah, this is what happens when I let my brain off the leash.

    Liked by 1 person

  95. No famous ghosts ever visit my house.

    Like

    Kelly's Cancer Beat Down Blog recently posted What to Expect When You’re Expecting…..a Mastectomy..

  96. Now I want to go out of town just so I can write a pet sitter letter. It will not compare with yours, as we have no bats.

    Like

  97. I would totally pet sit for a house that had a ghost. Multiple ghosts, even. Not so much a cat named Diarrhea Paul, though.
    I had an idea for a business, once — I’d partner up with an HVAC technician and go to haunted houses. He’d check for vibrating ducts that resonate and make you think there are ghosts (it’s a thing, I swear) and, if he didn’t find any, I’d break out the blessed salt and asafoetida. Things kind of fell apart when I realized I had no idea how much to charge for this service.

    Liked by 1 person

    jeccav recently posted My ring game is on point..

  98. I plan to paraphrase this for my next pet sitter. Also, next week I am moving from Washington to Colorado. If you see a green Jeep pulling a trailer followed by a red Mini convertible, and the drivers are yelling at each other, and one of those vehicles also contains a grinning Corgi, that’s us!

    Liked by 1 person

  99. I just read this outloud to my husband. We’re crying from laughing so hard. #ripauntsusan

    Liked by 1 person

  100. I think I might be going to hell with the number of times I muttered “this is fucking genius” while I read this. I’m pretty sure my name has been on the hell list since college, so no worries. You didn’t contribute to damning me or anything. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  101. On your way out east from Seattle you could stop off in Issaquah to visit Beyoncé’s cousin…
    https://goo.gl/maps/sRFVgGhxKyt

    Like

  102. I can picture it now, all your fur babies sitting around staring at your pet sitter, cause she’ll be lying on the floor, crying and laughing, and totally unable to get up after reading that letter. You rock, Jenny! Have a fantastic trip!

    Like

  103. Wife and I are in Colorado. 🙂 Hit us up if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or anything, we’d be happy to help 🙂

    Like

    My Bleeding Ink recently posted Seriously tho, Is It Just Me?? (A look into the mind of mental illness).

  104. 106
    Anonymous

    Why would anyone entrust pets and home security to someone they never met?

    (She’s licensed and insured and has great testimonials from people in my neighborhood. And I’ve actually met her now. She’s way more responsible than I am. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  105. 107
    Anonymous

    This is the best précis of a wacky kids’ book I’ve ever read. I would SO read a book about the pet sitter who had to put the cats in pajamas and sing to the soul of dead Aunt Susan!

    Liked by 1 person

  106. 108
    Missionista

    Having been a pet sitter, this is hysterical! I laughed till I cried.

    Like

  107. 109
    earhartam

    Is this like a template for others to use?

    Liked by 2 people

  108. So good! Needed a lil’ light-hearted adventure this evening…will most likely dream of few cats in pajamas, Aunt Susan gyrating, and a poor distraught woman squatting next to a cat propped up on chicken bones. 🙂

    Brilliant….think you have a movie script on your hands!

    Liked by 1 person

  109. As a professional pet sitter I say, this is barely an exaggeration, and I would frankly love to be told to sing to the ghost and give the finger to the neighbour! Best job ever!

    Liked by 1 person

  110. I live in Austin, I pet-sit, and I leave little notes every day. (“Rufus decided to hide under your desk chair today…we had a 5-minute slow-walk chase through the living room to pill him. Plus your neighbors have weird angel statues that glare at me.”)
    I hope you get to see some national parks and you don’t kill each other!

    Liked by 1 person

  111. As my husband astutely (She said sarcastically) pointed out when I read this aloud to him, “that is some bizarre stuff. I smell a new book all about the care and feeding of all creatures! That would be an awesome read if written by you!

    Liked by 1 person

  112. I am a dog walker / pet sitter and I freaking LOVE when clients leave notes, especially when they leave notes that are humorous and / or over the top! My all time favorite was from clients who have five cats–I call them simply “The Five” when referring to them at work. They left me a detailed instruction sheet and then 5 individual profiles, including color photo, one for each cat. They included details such as the fact that “Harvey is kind of an asshole” and “Boris has eye-watering gas”! One of their cats is named Lou Reed, and their house key is one a “Bates Motel” keychain. There’s a note on the door to the room with the FOUR, that’s right FOUR, litter boxes that says “Do not let the cats out no matter what they say”. Another recent favorite client note was written entirely in the voice of the dog, a ridiculously cute pit bull named Penny Lane, not the humans. It even had a title: A Day in the Life of Penny Lane. God I love animal people. I 100% think you should leave that note, in its entirety, for your pet sitter. I promise he/she will appreciate ever word.

    Liked by 2 people

  113. ugh!! *every

    Also, I’m going to need some unicorn horns for the next time I take care of The Five. (I put elf hats on them at Christmas, and red/white/blue beads on them for the 4th, so if I can pull that off, I should be able to turn them into mythical beasts without losing too much skin)

    Liked by 1 person

  114. 116
    ocularnervosa

    I’m scratching my head at the Washington to Colorado route. I seem to remember you live in Texas and there seems to be something missing.

    Like

  115. 117
    Anna Hardison

    Next time on a road trip try any audio book by Carl Haisson. Hilarity ensuses.

    Thank you for your book Furiously Happy. I started reading it today and realized I assimilate with your train of thought. I just thought I was crazy, now I realized that people just are not smart enough to catch my puns and can not understand my humor. 😎

    Liked by 1 person

  116. I live in Seattle and have a guest room! Not even a little bit kidding. But if you decide not to take me up on that offer, at least take me up on this one – I’m oddly good at picking out restaurants, and I know all the good ones in Seattle. Seriously. Just tell me what kind of food you like. You’re gonna love it here!

    Like

  117. Dear anonymous person who asked ‘who would trust a stranger…’. Some of the best people in my life were strangers once. I trust my health and security to strangers. The people who have hurt me most and taken most from me weren’t strangers, they were people I knew for a long time. I know it’s difficult to trust – I assume that’s why you posted anonymously. I hope that you find a little bit of joy and faith in other human beings. We’re all fallible, so people will let you down, but the answer to a better life isn’t to go around questioning other people’s choices (and assuming the worst), it’s making sure that you’re happy with your own.

    Liked by 1 person

  118. Jenny, I hope you have a great trip, I love road trips, you get to see so many different things and create lots of memories. I hope the pet sitter isn’t too responsible, otherwise the cats and aunt Susan will miss you too much 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  119. 122
    Anonymous

    R A N D Y !!!!!

    Like

  120. you will simply have a to send an addendum for care of the dolls & taxidermied pets, and/or how to taxidermy pets just in case….

    Like

  121. 124
    Holly Miceli

    I love your mind! You never fail at making me laugh, and that’s why we love you. That letter is a classic. I may have to use it as a guide, should we travel and need a pet sitter also. You’re pure genius.

    Like

  122. I giggled so much that now I hurt. Don’t worry. I still love you and promise to stop just lurking and start commenting more. xxxx

    Like

  123. I’m a little concerned about what the viper is going to eat, so as a going-on-vacation gift and a special present for your pet sitter, I’m sending some live rats to your home to join the menagerie. It also might give the cats something to play with after the viper is sated. What is your address again?

    Like

    Shallow Reflections recently posted Hello, my name is Molly and I’m a stain-aholic.

  124. It you’re hiring permanently I’m your girl.

    Like

  125. Very reasonable, I think. I may have to use it for our own pet sitter (I will give you full credit and leave a copy of each of your books for her). If you come through Buffalo, NY, stop by my house as I am baking raspberry and chocolate chip scones and drinking Gin Rickey’s.

    Like

  126. I’m an actual professional pet sitter and an avid Bloggess reader and I love when my clients leave notes. Too bad none are as thorough as yours. Naturally, we pet sitters cherish clients like yourself over the other boring clients who don’t have Aunt Susan, bats or Diarrhea Paul. We do have clients that strive to reach your level of controlled chaos but fall ridiculously short, often resulting in termination of services or police response. Your household, however, is a pet sitter’s dream come true!

    Like

  127. I am a pet sitter and they always leave me notes. However, none are as FUN as yours! 🙂 I wonder if I’d become legal guardian if something happened to my clients. I would, of course, in a heartbeat, but none have mentioned it. Perhaps I should start telling my clients they need to leave me a power of attorney when they go out of town. 🙂

    Like

  128. Leave Aunt Susan’s box under Randy’s porch.

    Like

  129. Hey Jenny, ever come to Canada ? If you do decide to visit the capital or beautiful Montreal, you should stop and say hi ! We would love to see you and chat. I’ll bring the booze and my dog Jack, he’s cool but can be a real douche when he drinks too much.

    Like

  130. Do you think with enough help and prep (major doses of pharmaceuticals) you could do stand-up? I’m guessing that’s a huge NO for you, but slow up. Lots of ways to make this happen. Think a SIA version of joke telling for starters. From your house. While pretending you’re just talking to your pets. A gal can dream, and this is one of mine!

    Like

  131. Holy shit this made me laugh so hard.

    Like

  132. My ex-husband’s name is Randy so that part made me laugh especially hard. (And he is an asshole too, by the way. Must be a Randy thing…)
    And since you’re driving could you please, please, please make a stop in the Boise Idaho area on your way to Colorado? Or at least say you’ll make it a stop on a future book tour date? Please and thank you.

    Like

  133. 136
    Anonymous

    But what about Dorothy Barker?

    Like

  134. maybe put one of your taxidermeid pets in a hard to reach place and mention he is shy and maybe try singing and pot roast to get him to come out. Imma need video of all of this, as ya do.

    Like

  135. It’s nice to have clear instructions when you housesit

    Like

    alawrenceg recently posted I Pretend to Hate My Job.

  136. You had me at ” Diarrhea Paul”.

    Like

    Rhubarb Swank recently posted the surprise.

  137. I’ll second (third? fourth?) the commenters above who think this has the makings for a funny children’s book. (My suggestion for converting this to gem to a children’s book would be: take out any sex references, keep in diarrhea references, add fart jokes. Consider adding in the crazy taxidermy & especially Squirrely Temple. I think that about covers it. No, wait –Avoid knock-knock jokes because we will all provide an age-inappropriate punchline for Beyonce at the door.)

    Like

  138. Peeing. Buckets.

    Like

  139. omg woman. you made me cry laughing and maybe piddle just a wee bit. i think i love you.
    if you’re venturing anywhere near the Denver Metro area while in CO you might consider going here if you are missing your plethora of cats. http://www.denvercatco.com/what-is-a-cat-cafe/ and perhaps one of these if you’re missing aunt susan- http://www.onlyinyourstate.com/colorado/denver/haunted-places-around-denver/

    Like

  140. I laughed so hard I had tears and snot running down my face. My son and husband ran into the room I was in, concerned that I was crying or hysterical. I was actually both, with a big scoop of giggles and a dash of howling. I am a teacher and on vacation – you just made my summer! Funniest post ever!

    Like

  141. 144
    bluesurly

    So a little, black, male kitten just showed up at our house and I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to name him Diarrhea Paul!

    Like

  142. 145
    barbatsea

    I’ll be in Ireland while you’re in Seattle. I’ll leave a key under the mat. Beyonce’s distant cousin, Provisional Hank, is in the backyard.

    Like

  143. LOL, this made me happy today. 🙂
    Have an excellent vacation! If you end up driving through Redmond, WA and need a pet fix, there is a gigantic offleash dog park in Marymoor Park, near the East end of SR520. It is an oasis of dog happiness. Tell Victor it’s down the hill from Microsoft headquarters. Btw, not crowded huge, but “40 acres of open and airy with a view of Mt Rainier” huge. And trees, and tall grasses, and wood chip paths, and water where dogs can swim. It’s totally possible to go there for the dogs and ignore the people (I do). Also, no vipers…but lots of bunnies and I did see a ferret in there one time. http://www.kingcounty.gov/services/parks-recreation/parks/parks-and-natural-lands/popular-parks/marymoor/offleash.aspx.

    Like

  144. Where can I get an inflatable unicorn horn for my kitty? I NEED one.

    Like

    One Funny Motha recently posted The Little Things.

  145. 148
    emmaclaire

    Here in Seattle, we had a scrim of a perfectly beautiful blue sky manufactured just for you Jenny. That way you can have what looks like not rainy, lovely warm-ish weather for your visit. All other out-of-towners will be subjected to our usual grim, gray, chilly, cloudfilled sky, so don’t bother thinking about moving here.

    JK – the more the merrier! I’ll just sit back and watch the value of my house go up.

    Have a great vacation and I’m sure everything will work out just fine with the pet-sitter and the bats and Susan and all that.

    Like

  146. 149
    Karen Vollmar

    You are absolutely crazy and weird, but in the best way ever!

    Like

  147. 150
    Sue Meister

    Oh my goddess! I almost choked to death while reading this post!!! You need to put a VODKA TRIGGER WARNING on stuff you write while you re drinking too. Cheers, Sue

    Like

  148. 151
    Sue Meister

    OH, I forgot to say that I was extremely wasted while reading the post and almost laughed to death. I love you. Sue

    Like

  149. If you miss your cats you can come visit mine when you are in Colorado. You could cat sit my cat although I’m not going anywhere, but maybe I could if I had a cat sitter. Safe travels.

    Like

  150. Ehhh, you put all that drunken effort into it. Just leave it, but maybe have a post script with actual FYI’s you need to leave her.

    Like

  151. If a Giant Metal Chicken knocks on the door, politely inform her that my husband is out of state and advise her when he will return. Also, if she seems in a good mood, ask her to pick me up some towels.

    Like

  152. please, please, ermergerhd, PLEASE say you left that letter and post any and all responses from said Sitter.

    i’ll just wait. yah know, until you get back.

    Like

  153. May I please your next cat sitter?

    Like

  154. 157
    Moonbeast

    I just moved (hopefully temporarily) from Seattle to Spokane. I’ve lived in Colorado… are you following me?? Also, your room is ready. I just trapped two feral kittens tonight, they’ll help you feel at home. Will work on trapping bats and aunts later. I have a box ready for aunt Susan, she lives next door. Not kidding. We don’t speak though.

    Like

  155. I just started a new job working for a corporate devil, and it’s so terrible I cried when I got off work yesterday, and I cried (privately) at work today and it’s only day three… mental health not doing well. Thanks for making me laugh Jenny, as always, you are the best.

    Like

  156. 159
    Anonymous

    Oh my hat!!!! Enjoying your writing and sense of humour.

    Like

  157. 160
    Anonymous

    Being an owner of all sorts of critters and never being able to find sitters, this gave me delirious giggles!! Some of the letters I’ve written attached w photos of each,… they just can’t be appreciated now after reading this one!!! 😹

    Like

  158. I’m a professional pet sitter. What’s so unusual about this? Most homes I enter are haunted by someone and I always dance with the cats. Except peeing on the floor – that’s above my pay grade.

    Like

  159. Hunter Unicat is so cute! But it was kinda mean not to tell the sitter this stuff before you hired her.

    Like

  160. I’m with Hipcat… #34 ☝️ up there. You totally, Totally have to go to Casa Bonita. It is wrong on so many levels and I suspect you will love it for it’s itness. I really want to hear your take on it. I haven’t been there since I was a kid but I hear it’s only gotten better… and by that I mean more, um, yeah, there are no words. Have a great trip!

    Like

  161. 164
    Anonymous

    Thank you Jenny for making me laugh. You are a bright spot in my day.

    Like

  162. You just won the internet forever, no fooling.

    Like

  163. When I read this blog title I thought you were saying you wouldn’t send the pet sitter, as in, ‘we were going to send her, but not now’. I thought, “Where are you not sending her?” Then I read the rest about you not wanting her to run away and I thought, “Have you abducted a pet sitter?” Then I shrugged and thought, “Oh well, I guess I’ll read about it later.” It took three separate readings of that title on the last three days for me to understand what you were really saying. I’m on a new med that’s making my head a bit fuzzy. Can’t tell if I like it or not — it can be annoying misreading things, but also hilarious.

    Like

  164. In Spokane, Clinkerdaggers is a great spot to eat on the river. In WY, please go to Crazy Horse. It’s down The street from Mt Rushmore and all of Rushmore would fit into the nostril of Crazy horse. Second the recommendation of Casa Bonita in Denver. Who doesn’t love a Cliff Diver with their $8 enchilada plate?!

    Like

  165. […] did point out that The Bloggess has recently written something similar and she’s a best-selling author, but he just raised an […]

    Like

  166. You are totally off the wall funny! The fact that your brain went on this rant is proof of your genius and you should really start cloning yourself…we need more Jennys in the world! Enjoy your road trip and hopefully the pet sitter doesn’t bleed on the porch and “attract more stuff” to your already overcrowded abode.

    Like

    thompsonhouseblog recently posted “There Is A Difference Between A Boundary And A Barrier”.

  167. I do pet sitting – I’d kill (but not an animal) to have a customer like you 🙂 Happy Trails!!

    Like

  168. i would love to baby sit your dolls

    Like

    dourdan recently posted Fatherhood (excerpt).

  169. 🤣 you are just so funny, I can’t imagine anyone being unhappy around you.

    Like

  170. You’re hurting me. (He came that way…, how do you know that he misses them?)

    Like

  171. Man I love a drinking Jenny! I love a sober Jenny too, but dayum, drinking Jenny = Fun Bobby X 99!

    Like

  172. Am I the only one who literally laughed and cried in one reading this article post?! You are hilarious! Funny post.

    Like

  173. 177
    Alvaro Hendrick

    I laughed too hard at this.

    Like

  174. How do you come up with this stuff? Hilarious!😺

    Like

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