I want a baby.

me:  Hey.  Hear me out and keep an open mind, okay?  I want a baby.

Victor:  Who are you and what have you done with my wife?

me: It’s a 14 foot foam baby on craigslist.

Victor:  Oh.  There you are.

Worst crib ever.

PS. Apparently you have to go to New York to pick up the baby in person so I guess it’s not going to happen.  Ugh.  Adoption is expensive, y’all.

139 replies. read them below or add one

  1. My eyes nearly popped out when I saw the title but, yeah, there you are, Jenny. Perhaps the Bloggess Tribe can form a supply chain down to your area?

    (Honestly, I was going to ask for a supply chain delivery because I love the idea of a giant foam baby strapped on dozens of cars speeding down roads but it’s over 300 pounds so then I got worried about it flying off the top of a car and nailing a passerby. “Death by flying giant baby” would look terrible on a death certificate. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 10 people

    Wolf of Words recently posted Media Update 1/25/18.

  2. I need to know what the plan would be if Mega-Baby was acquired.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This is so you…

    Like

    The Hook recently posted What’s The Hook Up To Now?.

  4. It makes me sad to think someone may chop him up for his foam content. Oh the heartache of being a 14.6′ foam baby :-/

    Like

  5. But where would you put it?

    (WHERE WOULDN’T I PUT IT? ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 7 people

  6. First of all, I’m in New York. Secondly, my boyfriend is so getting ‘I want a baby’ text message. And for that I thank you.

    Liked by 6 people

  7. 7
    CreatingTheRoad

    Make sure it’s properly wrapped in a blanket during the journey. Also, do foam babies need a bottle? Or a squishy toy.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh, Jenny, there you are! And so blessed is where we all are because of you. I’m hoping you’ve got vaulted ceilings, that you’re measuring them right now and that this baby will fit!

    Like

  9. I like big babies and I cannot lie…

    You’re welcome.

    Liked by 7 people

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted He ain’t heavy, but his new shed is: helping my brother with a build, after Hurricane Harvey.

  10. I am amused that it says “Serious inquiries only”. Putting this thing on Craigslist is just asking for non-seriousness, IMHO. But I guess it IS Craigslist, though… Lol

    Liked by 2 people

  11. THIS MADE MY DAY! Absolutely hilarious!

    Like

  12. It doesn’t look like it’s painted with gold paint to me. Do you have to paint it yourself? Cuz that’s way more craft time that you should have to spend on one large baby. It would make a great pool float-y though.

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 174: I’m on TV, People Who Know People.

  13. It’s also Golden. Giant Gold Baby.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I NEED to see this baby strapped to the roof of a volvo wagon driving from state to state.

    Liked by 4 people

  15. I agree with Wolf with Words. Can’t we chain transport it too you? I’ve helped transport dogs that way. I’m sure it can be done. Will a nanny be required??

    Liked by 2 people

  16. I had to look. Ha! You could easily play practical jokes on Victor with it.

    Liked by 1 person

    susielindau recently posted A Silhouetted Bonfire!.

  17. It’s not a 14 foot foam baby, it’s an “infant totem” according to the listing. You should have told him you wanted an infant totem.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. You have to get Victor over the line. He’ll end up loving it.

    Like

    Gary 'Gaz' Lum recently posted Vegemite and Coon cheese chicken.

  19. Good to see you are feeling better.

    Also, I agree there has to be a way for us to work together to get this to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Last American Slave Ship Has Been Found.

  20. This is the kind of baby I would be able to handle.

    Like

    Ben recently posted Another life update.

  21. @mydangblog – Look at the last photo in the listing and you will see the baby in all its gold glory.

    Like

  22. I live in NY, albeit not in the City. Who can take it closer to our Bloggess?

    Like

  23. The real question is what would it’s name be
    I just got caught coming up with a list of potential names in math class… can’t wait to explain this to my mom

    Liked by 2 people

  24. You could probably have it shipped…

    Like

    pokerpilgrim recently posted The Borgata Poker Room Review.

  25. I think you should have it, and put it by Beyonce. That chicken needs something to live for.

    Liked by 3 people

  26. What happens when his 40 foot foam parents show up in Brooklyn looking for him!?

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Can you imagine the diapers a baby that big would need?? And the size of the loads in said giant diapers??

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Oh, this is totally doable. Remember your friend you saw the other day, the one dressed in the fancy gown? I hear she knows some magic and is probably privy to the apparition spell. ;o)

    Like

  29. What in the actual fuck?? Lol

    Like

  30. 30
    JESSICA STRATTON

    What in the actual fuck?? Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I mean, I’m in Philly area, I don’t mind helping out with a chain transport…

    Like

  32. Get ready for some serious agony!!

    Like

  33. Can’t you like, buy a block of styrofoam and hire someone to carve one for you? (I almost suggested carving it yourself, and then I thought, but why?)

    Like

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted How to Make a Beautiful Cheese Plate for Two.

  34. Procrustean crib

    Like

  35. A 14 foot baby is a terrifying thought.

    Like

  36. and this is why I need an RV. or maybe a tractor trailer truck. because truthfully, I would do this. go across country, take pics with bloggess tribe along the way with the baby.

    it could work out.

    Liked by 4 people

  37. 37
    Melanie Sinclair

    So good to hear from you again, Jenny, you do need this baby!

    Like

  38. I’m not sure why, but I was there with you until I read that it was 325 pounds… Now I legit want to know what you were planning. Are your neighbors awful?

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Perhaps U-haul would be willing to “sponsor” a post by providing the truck and the tribe could supply the chain. Just a thought, but I’ve been up with the foster puppies most of the night, so I’m not sure I’d trust my brain right now. (And YES, the one time I actually went to sleep, mama had an accident.)

    Liked by 1 person

  40. You should check out Ron Mueck! His “big baby” is incredible. Saw the Brooklyn Museum exhibit partly-documented here: https://www.theatlantic.com/photo/2013/10/the-hyperrealistic-sculptures-of-ron-mueck/100606/ (the baby is image #17)

    Like

  41. Isn’t this a little too far?

    Like

    Tanya Goffy recently posted Fault In Our Stars.

  42. How do you feel about this Facebook Marketplace ad?

    https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/119707998722251

    Like

  43. I just want to know what you were searching for on Craigslist to get this as an option.

    Liked by 2 people

  44. But… It’s FREE! Who says no to a free foam baby?

    Like

  45. A fifteen-foot tall golden foam baby statue! Who wouldn’t want one of those?

    Like

  46. Love the baby!! Who has an awesome arty garden they could incorporate this into? I can see it working for sure, lol!

    Like

    Twin Pickle recently posted Why Kids Love Chicken Nuggets + Homemade Recipe.

  47. Look! Someone made a cast of baby Paul Bunyan!

    Like

  48. I live in NY – could pick it up for you

    Like

  49. Guuurl – you gotta get yourself a convoy!
    Beyonce’ needs a 14’ baby & you can name her Blue Ivy.

    Like

  50. I live 30 blocks away and my hubs is not happy with this post JENNY!

    Liked by 1 person

  51. I was right with you until the “gold painted’ happened. Gold paint just looks terrible. If it had been realistically painted I would have wrestled you for it. :o)

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Demon Panties and Dorothy.

  52. A short drive or train ride from NYC for me, if interested it could totally be arranged. Work closely with the postal service too; could figure out how it could be mailed to you at no injury to the baby.

    Like

  53. Jenny, Playwrights Horizons is like 3 blocks from where I live. But I have a tiny NYC apt. Tho a giant foam baby is very tempting!

    Like

  54. Jenny- it’s PERFECT. The size ratio of the baby and Beyonce’ works perfectly Remind Victor that it is FREE!!!

    Like

  55. What the actual fuck?

    And now I kind of want a giant foam or cast concrete/other sort of stone baby just to piss off my HOA.

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted Oh my sweet summer child….

  56. Giant foam babies. Huge metal chickens. Taxidermied animals. You’ll have to have a Bloggess museum one of these days and after people buy their ticket, they have to yell “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” to gain entry. I would totally go!

    Liked by 3 people

    Kat recently posted Driving Miss Crazy.

  57. If you do get it, just remember, nobody puts baby in a corner.

    Liked by 4 people

    Arionis recently posted The One With The List.

  58. 58
    Misery, be my name

    I once facilitated the acquisition of a loveseat made in the shape of a vulva where the way you sit on it is to sink into the vulva. It was shipped from SF to NY.

    Like

  59. I would saw off the head and use it as a hood ornament then hook up the body at home with sprinklers and red lights on the neck so the water spray would look red while it nourishes my yard in the middle of the night.

    Liked by 1 person

  60. Best. Hood ornament. Ever.

    Like

  61. This little ze frank song comes to mind. “How do you spank a giant baby?”

    Like

  62. That’s a big freaking baby! Perhaps you could have people transport it to you. Like have a fan in New York pick it up and take it as far as they are willing to another fan. An so on. Till eventually it makes it was to you. I would do it just to see the looks on people’s faces as I drive down the highway with a giant baby on the roof of my jeep!

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Mom Voices or Split Personality?.

  63. Victor must have had a heartache and thought you were on death’s door when you told him you wanted a baby. (My first thought upon reading the title was ‘WHY???’) You should have played it up a bit more and then agreed to downgrade to a cat. Victor would have given in and you’d get your ‘Mr. President’ cat.

    Liked by 1 person

  64. Is the Statue of Liberty looking to adopt?

    Liked by 2 people

  65. Death by giant baby would look amazing on a death certificate!

    Like

  66. If someone can get it to Memphis, I’ll provide transportation to Texarkana. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  67. I am so curious as to what you were looking for on Craigslist that this came up?

    Like

  68. Put the shipping up for bid on the TV show ‘Shipping Wars’ … lol.

    Like

  69. that thing is fucking creepy and i lOVE IT

    Like

    TheCryptid&TheTree recently posted The Great Kitty Meteor.

  70. Are we seriously doing this? I’m in! What’s the plan!?! How hard can it be?

    Like

  71. 71
    ocularnervosa

    Maybe you have a fan driving cross country who’ll be willing to drop it off. Not me of course.

    Like

  72. Jenny, SNAP OUT OF IT. That baby was made for you. SO, what the hell are you going to do about it??? I am already salivating over a baby blog post. Come on, girl, do this thing.

    Like

    the incurable dreamer recently posted un-shaggable but hopeful.

  73. I have never wanted to go to New York more than I do right now!

    Like

  74. I want you to have the baby so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  75. That thing must have come out of a big-ass king cake!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  76. Well this simply has to happen. Let’s form a transport chain!

    Liked by 1 person

  77. Omg. I see your response to that first comment, but I think ‘death by flying giant baby’ is totally worth it to get this piece of amazingness to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  78. I read the top comment and now want my death certificate to say death by giant baby. GOALS

    Liked by 3 people

  79. 79
    Sally-Jane Walsh

    This is the best “want to acquire” blog post from you yet Jenny. I am in tears laughing at this giant foamy baby. omg. Love it. Hope Victor lets you get it so we can all see what you do with it. I am sure there will be taxidermy animals involved 😉 Thanks for being you.

    Liked by 1 person

  80. ….and this sort of lunacy is exactly why I love your blog.

    Like

  81. I had no idea foam weighed so much! But I’d pay to see it trucking down the highway scrapped to the back of a pickup truck….just send me a photo! Let’s start a go faund me to “bring the giant gold Blogess Baby home”!

    Liked by 1 person

  82. My wife knows better than even to ask such a thing. Maybe you could just get dozens of normal sized foam babies and recite the charm that forms Babytron?

    Like

  83. Forget Flat Stanley. This is the Church of Bloggessianism’s road trip mascot! LOL. I could totally help get this through the mid-Atlantic states. Imagine the “baby book” with all the travel pics from members of the tribe!

    Like

  84. I mean, who doesn’t want a glorious infant totem in their home?

    Like

    SewGeekMama recently posted The Overzealous Sales Friend.

  85. I’m done!

    Like

  86. I’m hoping this means you are on the upswing from the flu. It’s such a bad one. I’m sure that baby would have taken very good care of you.

    Like

  87. I love the idea of a relay to you. I’m in for North Carolina. Don’t give up yet…

    Like

  88. I kid you not, a friend of mine just posted about this on Facebook, and immediately grabbed the link and came here to share it with you. Seriously. And you cannot believe how happy I am that this exact thing is your latest post.
    I just thought you’d want to know that seeing a giant foam baby makes people think “Jenny Lawson needs this!”

    Like

  89. There’s a debate in our town over where to put a statue of a giant (9 ft tall) blue baby hatching out of an egg. I can’t post a picture, but if you Google “Hatched Baby Sculpture” you can see it. (Apologies in advance for any subsequent nightmares.) Apparently, it’s by a famous German artist and on tour around the country.

    Like

  90. I’ve decided that I want to be “that” neighbor, so I would proudly display that giant gold baby in my front yard. It would be a departure from the Virgin Mary statues at everyone else’s house, plus I would decorate him/her for different holidays. I will become legendary because nobody will know why…

    Like

  91. No no no! Not even a foam baby! Mine are close to being out of the house. Not even pretend starting over. Although I do love the “glorious infant totem” description.

    Like

  92. Hahaha, they’re not giant babies but every time I go to HEB or Walmart and see gigantic stuffed bears or any other gigantic stuffed toy I think of you.

    Like

    typicaljenn recently posted Vanderpump Rules Recap: It’s Not About the Pasta.

  93. I never thought of Craigslist as the repository of unneeded props… I might have to go looking and see if you can find things like thrones from any of the Henry plays or the horse from Equus or something like that…

    Like

  94. Question. How in the hell does a foam baby, albeit a 14 foot long foam baby, made weigh 325 lbs??? Unless – that gold paint is actually made of real gold and they painted it, like, 100 times so that there is a ton of gold on that baby. In which case go get that baby, Jenny!

    Like

  95. I don’t even have words for this.

    Like

  96. I didn’t notice the date of the posting, but I cannot for the life of me imagine that that baby will go anywhere except to the driveway of Madame Jenny Lawson’s Church of the Bloggessianism. Seriously, the tribe is big enough. I’m sure there’s someone in New York who has already started getting that ball rolling!

    Right?

    RIGHT, Tribe?

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted Did you know you could be PRODUCTIVE even on "just farting around" days?.

  97. I so agree this would replace your Christmas tree. And then go on to be Baby New Year, Cupid, Baby Leprechaun, Puck for spring, Copperton baby for summer etc etc etc. As for the transport issue why get stuck on the old fashioned automobile 🚗- think 21st Century – a few drones – or at least a couple of helicopters! Really! Wouldn’t that expedite it!?!

    Like

  98. I will be driving my baby to college in NYC in the fall and live in south Texas so I could get it
    for you. Bringing back a giant back might fill the giant void of leaving my youngest in such a big overwhelming place.

    Like

  99. Haha. Yep. That’s you.

    Also, I vote for the supply chain.

    Like

    Terra Walker recently posted My Congenital Heart Disease Story – Sorta.

  100. I wish I didn’t live in California so I could help with this zaney baby supply chain quest! If you get this baby you need to put gigantic googly eyes on it. Googly eyes were MADE for this! 🙂

    Like

  101. 102
    Karen Ulric

    Umm….I actually submitted a serious inquiry for the foam baby. But I haven’t heard back.

    Like

  102. I’ll race you to New York!

    Like

  103. 104
    Endymion Napping

    Well, it’s in New York so all they have to do is spray it with some pink slime and it will walk to you on its own, probably leaving a swathe of destruction in its wake.

    There is literary precedent for this kind of acquisition. In the children’s book Harriet the Spy, a couple order a giant wooden baby statue: “It was an enormous, but enormous — perhaps six feet high– wooden sculpture of a fat, petulant, rather unattractive baby. The baby wore a baby cap, huge white dress, and baby booties. … The baby sat on its diapered bottom, feet straight out ahead, and fat arms curving into fatter hand which held, surprisingly, a tiny mother.

    “Where do you want her… it?”

    “Darling, I still think the corner behind the entrance, so that it isn’t seen immediately. You know, and then it will DOMINATE the room from the couch.”

    “It’ll do that, all right,” said the Railway Express man.”

    Like

  104. I just love Victor!

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted 10 Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 70.

  105. I think you should get the baby. Put it in the front yard. You can make clothes for it, depending on the season. It would be AWESOME at Christmas. Imagine the ginormous manger scene.

    Like

    Mahala Davis recently posted Shit Storms, Road Trips and A Confused Pig.

  106. Are you sure Beyonce wouldn’t be jealous? OTOH, you could sell tickets for a Golden Baby vs Beyonce cage match. That would give us gas money for the supply chain, and lunch.

    Like

  107. Aww! So stinkin’ adorable!

    Like

    D.S. Lucas recently posted We Miss you, Dear Dog: Goodbye to our Golden Girl, Italia..

  108. Heehee, I lol-ed at ‘Oh. There you are.’

    Liked by 1 person

  109. My daughter has been asking for a new baby (the last one is 2. and is the last). If I lived in New York…..

    Like

  110. If you’re browsing Craigslist, I certainly hope you’re feeling better. Otherwise you might purchase something you don’t need. Like a baby. Unless it’s made out of foam, of course. Then that would be totally OK.

    Like

    Mamacita recently posted Three Vaginas.

  111. This is OBVIOUSLY an excellent idea, but I’m guessing the neighbors will complain. Still Golden Baby is FREE. It’s nearly necessary.

    Like

  112. Not only do I live in NYC, I am around the corner from Playwrights Horizon. Tiny theater – how the hell did that fit on stage? Jenny – uhaul is around the other corner. Happy to road trip with a sister.

    Like

  113. 115
    Angie Mullins, Book Wizard

    I want that baby for my library! We could use it for photos, when the students read a certain number of books, they get their picture with the BIG BABY!

    Like

  114. “Oh. There you are.” That Victor of yours is one astute student. Brilliant response, just brilliant.

    Like

  115. My sister now wants this baby, also. Her plan is to hang it in the vaulted ceiling in her living room. If they were offering shipping outside of Manhattan I think you’d have people fighting you over this baby.

    Like

  116. You are clearly underestimating the Bloggess Tribe. Victor should be TERRIFIED. With as much mileage as Beyonce got, if you lifted one pinky finger and said, “Help, y’all!” I bet that giant foam baby would be at some neutral drop off location in 4 days. With a giant pink bow.

    Like

  117. So I looked up the play, hoping for photos showing the gold paint, and now I feel like they should specify in the listing that it also spits up blood? https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/01/09/arts/09mankind-2/09mankind-2-master768.jpg

    Like

  118. But what would you name him? Mega-baby sounds way too anime for that.

    Like

    CrissyMoss recently posted But that’s HARD!.

  119. 😀 I want a real one!

    Like

  120. It’s the baby version of an Oscar award!

    Like

  121. If you can find three foam bald heads and a really tiny foam bird you could have a whole foam Spirited Away thing going on.

    Like

    Jill recently posted Short Post and a Song #147: Here make yourself a belt, guy.

  122. Yikes! His poor mom will be retelling the story of his birth every Christmas get-together, funeral, wedding, birthday, etc….

    Like

  123. I sooo wish I could go get this for you and bring it to you.

    Like

  124. If you had a large foam-squirting 3d printer (They exist, for building yurts amongst other things) you could make yourself a whole tribe of babies. In a yurt.

    Like

  125. OMG my husband has a model shop in Chelsea and for a second I thought the giant baby was in his shop. Who knew there were so many people making crazy giant foam things in the middle of manhattan? You can literally do anything on the 7th floor of a high rise.

    Like

  126. I saw that play! And they give out miniatures of the baby (yay!) and then take them back during intermission (sob!). And the actual baby you get is the third photo, ie: it is painted GOLD and is spewing blood from its mouth. And its name in the play is “Cry-Baby” and really, maybe you need to spring for the man with a van because otherwise, where will the baby go?

    Like

  127. YES – you NEED that baby… I’m thinking it would look perfect on your front lawn – just like in the last photo -laying on its back with what looks like blood dripping down its cheek. You will be the envy of your neighbors! (Another perk – there would be no more solicitors coming round)

    Like

  128. Why has no one asked the most important question, or did I miss it? Is said baby anatomically correct? Welcome to my world!

    Like

  129. I have a funny feeling that baby will find its way to you….

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted A Secret Sisterhood.

  130. This absolutely made my day. You make me smile and I so appreciate it!

    Like

  131. Seriously, U-Haul. Rent a truck that would fit this, and there’s no worries about it flying off the top of a car that way.

    Like

  132. I live in NJ, very close to NY state border and NYC. I’m willing to take a leg of this trip. Make this a reality!

    Like

  133. Also, second thought, they’re going to ship it to recycle. Maybe we can start a go fund me to have them ship it to you? Lol seems like a good use of gofundme.

    Like

  134. Go to New York and get that baby!

    Like

  135. Well someone got it – it didn’t go to recycling at least. A neighbor of mine got a photo of it cruising up 9th Ave, around 49th St I wonder if someone can tell this Luddite how to attach photo here?

    Like

  136. is the show ‘Shipping Wars’ still on? use their service and hire a driver. that thing is too cute not to take.

    Like

    dourdan recently posted Fireflies (excerpt).

  137. I skipped that play. A “feminist” play with all male actors written by a male playwright plus the synopsis seemed tedious. I’m intrigued by the giant baby though…

    Like

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