An open letter to my doctor whose fat-chick fetish is destroying my ass

Dear Dr. G,

I just wanted to clarify some things we discussed at my last appointment:

1.  You rock. 

2. The drugs you’ve given me for my anxiety disorder have helped me to live a normal life again.

3.  My ass has exploded.

I know what you’re going to say.  “But Jenny, you delicious freak, you are a perfectly normal weight.  Plus I love me some fat chicks.  Rowr.  Here, have a fried twinkie.”

But here’s the deal:

I DON’T WANT TO LOOK NORMAL.  I WANT TO LOOK HOT.

Yes, you’re right that I’m a nervous anorexic and that when I get anxious I stop eating and yes, I suppose my weight gain is a sign that I’m getting better and enjoying eating again, but at what cost?  I’ve gained almost 10 pounds in the last year.  I’m all about better living through chemistry but I can’t help noticing that I looked hotter when I was crazy. 

Perhaps you meant it as a compliment when you said I wasn’t fat enough for diet pills but it sounded like a dare.  A dare to see just how fat I can get.  And let me tell you, I’m pretty sure I can get crazy-fat.  Shut-in, wash-yourself-with-a-towel-on-the-end-of-a-yardstick fat.  And when I’m scary, bed-sore, cupcakes-stuck-in-the-folds-of-my-fat fat and they have to use a crane to get me out of the house I’m going to tell Maury Povich that I got this way because you said it was the only way that I could get the medical attention that I desperately need.  And it’s going to be really hard for you to respond to that, especially when I “accidentally” knock you to the floor with my giant butt-cheek.

I can’t help but think that if I could have flashed a little boobage you’d’ve slipped me some phen-phen.  I had planned to flash you in the exam room but your nurse was all “Oh no, Mrs. Lawson, you don’t have to get undressed.  No one needs to see that gi-normous ass of yours” and no, she didn’t say it out loud, but she was totally thinking it.  If I was 15 pounds lighter I bet she would have had me undress.  Slowly probably.  And she would’ve asked me to walk around naked in the lobby to show your other patients what a real patient looks like.  And I totally would have.  Because I care about helping people, unlike some doctor’s who obviously don’t give a shit about their patients or their asses.

40 replies. read them below or add one

  1. C’mon, Dr. Feelgood, slip the poor woman a cocktail of weight loss pills and psychotropic drugs. That way if the first don’t work the second will convince her that they do.

  2. Flashing boobage always works, in fact that’s how I plan on getting out of my next speeding ticket. (LOVE your new digs….)

  3. Glad you are up and running . . . and cursing! I look forward to many more posts telling it like it is.

  4. LOVE the new blog!!!!!!

  5. I’m so glad you finally have your own fucking shit-tastic blog to call your very own.

    Rock on girlie!

  6. I died laughing, so I had to blog roll you. Looking forward to more;).

  7. YEAH!!! WHAT JENNY SAID!!! YEAH, YOU OVER-BLEACHED ANUS!!

    I totally had a deep fried twinkie last year. AND a deep fried Ho-Ho. They were incredible (as would be a sock, if you deep fried it), right up to the point where I almost puked them up.

  8. LOVE the new shade you’re wearing, by the way…

  9. You’re crazy all right… crazy funny that is!

  10. Jenny, I think that 10 pounds has just added to your boobage…and because of that? Flashing him TOTALLY would have worked. 😉

    And you look GREAT, by the way.

  11. Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays! (please don’t destroy me)

  12. Woo-hoo! Uncensored Jenny! You are so on my favorites list, and not just because I’m pretty sure my ass would explode (in the bad way)if your threat from the Mama Drama blog showed up in my guest bathroom.

  13. Jenny, you are fucking hilarious. I am looking forward to laughing hysterically on a more frequent basis now.

    About the anxiety/fat thing–you know, without spilling my guts or anything, I understand this. I look at it all as a great cosmic trade-off in which I always win and the great cosmos are always kind of short-changed. This is called something like “reframing things in a positive way.” (I can call my shrink to clarify if you’d like…) So I’m not an anxiety-and-depression-immobilized freak. Yeah, my ass is a little wobbly. But I’ve borne me some babies and I work really hard and I can sometimes be pretty freakin’ funny and I love my husband and music makes me light up like a big old lamp-post and my deck looks AMAZING. So, see, I win. I can always work on my ass when I’m ready, but meanwhile my arms are full of treasures.

    I don’t know if this helps you or not. But I’m pretty sure your ass is as hot as your mind. I’m putting you on my List of Five right now. As we speak.

    Love ya, and love your blog. -Greeny

  14. glad to see you finally opened up shop.
    sorry about your ass!

  15. You. Are. Awesome.

    Loving the new you. Although I really enjoyed the old you too. Not to say one is better than the other….ummm…it’s just…

    Ok, I’ll shut up.

  16. Well, for one thing, you are a total hottie and you’ll get 50 lashes with a fried twinkie next time I see you for saying that your ass has exploded. Didn’t you know that having a fat ass is considered a compliment?

    Also, I think a doctor with a fat chick fetish is better than a husband with a fat chick fetish. Trust me on this one. One day I will show you a picture of me before I got married, at which point you will urge me to get a divorce, join Jenny Craig and date only personal trainers and/or plastic surgeons. Or Vegetarians. Or whoever else might not so delicately urge me to get back into fighting shape.

  17. Darnit, I knew I should have posted sooner, lest another Aimee comment before me. lol

    Lovin’ the new digs, Jenny.

  18. OH MY SWEET JESUS YES!

    At my most depressed I was 117. Aitch-ohh-tee HOT. At 5’7″ I could wear anything.

    I’m all better now. And I am totally fat.

  19. Hey Nice Place! I look forward to reading more 😛

  20. You’re saying you’re not crazy now? Hmmm.

  21. would you like to have a convo with my doc for me? I need… desperatly need.. the fat pills

  22. I like fat chicks, so we’re still all good.

    😉

  23. Jenny, don’t make me bust out some Sir Mix-a-Lot on your ass.

  24. I hate that my meds control my eating disorder, because being fat depresses me, and aren’t antidepressants supposed to stop that? One of many more reasons why I need to be on a different med.

    Yet, my doctor won’t give me fat pills either…just the suggestion to eat better and exercise. yeah, ’cause if I was up to that, do you think I would look like THIS?! (note interrobang!)

    Love the new blog, chickie! mk

  25. You guys and your giant asses are cracking me up.

    PS. Mark – Just because you didn’t use your url doesn’t mean I don’t know who you are.

  26. oh shit! I cannot stop laughing! The people at work think I’m insane…FANTASTIC!

    now as for your “fat ass,” I (this is a texas word i’m about to use, read aloud for proper appreciation) garan-damn-tee my ass would kick your ass’ ass. And if my ass didn’t do the job, my second chin would certainly finish it!

  27. oh and p.s. Alli is now sold OVER THE COUNTER BABY!! Wal-Mart, here I come!

  28. Speechless. You rock, chica. You and your skinny ass.

  29. Well, I think I have something worthy to read that’ll keep me up all night with the images. Love this post so I’ll come back later and read on. Thanks for loving my banner. If you read further you’ll see just how much I do and why I am so proud. Technologically challenged is what they call me around the blog cooler.

  30. i love jenny uncensored. and my shift key is broken so i’m not trying to be all cool with the small caps and no punctuation. i just have a lame radio shack computer. but back to your ass…i can directly trace my enormous weight gain back to my first anti anxiety prescription. grrrr.

  31. Ha Ha!

    I have found that the fat cells have moved around my body the last few years. Suddenly things are looking a lot bigger than they did before and things that were big are looking smaller. So – I don’t know if chemicals have anything to do with it (unless its the chemicals in my wine)

  32. You sound a bit like you’ve been poppin’ chocolate-covered coffee beans…lots of ’em.

    Rare form, cutie…the cutest AND rarest of forms…you’re gonna be the only broad in town with a remaining fat ass cause everyone else will be roflmaOFF…

    Thanks for the favor, chickadee…

  33. You are so NOT fat. I saw you at that lunch thing. Please. You are fabulous in a great dress. Me? A beached whale that forgot wearing horizontal stripes makes you look like 2 beached whales.

    So shush.

    And NO – not pregnant. SIGH. Dammit….

  34. I’ll trade asses with you. My ass can’t fill a pair of jeans. Somebody needs to make a line of jeans for women with no asses, that makes ’em LOOK like they have an ass.

    Remember that movie about the flight attendants? With Mike Myers and Cristina Applegate? And she’s all, “ASSES THE WINDOW!” And Mike Myers says, “You put the wrong emPHAAAsis on the wrong sylAAAAble.”

    Hahahahahaha!…haha…ha…

    I’m laughing alone, aren’t I…

  35. If you flash me some boobage…I’ll give you all then phen-phen you want. 🙂

    Great post. don’t worry about the ass…worry about the HAPPY!

  36. I’m way late on this one, but Kyla’s right: 10 lbs. DOES add to the boobage. In about six months I did the 15 lbs. deal (this was in 2004) and BABOOM. BOOBS.

    I find that after nearly 3 years at said (unnamed) weight, I’m almost used to it. In my saner moments, I think, “heh. Boobs. Sweet,” and leave it at that. Although I do hear ya on the “C’mon… just dare me to do it” thing.

    Just sayin’.

  37. How the fuck did I miss this post the first time around?

    I looked hotter when I had a eating disorder, but now I feel healthier xx

    LaLa’s last blog post..Feeling down? Just remember that?

  38. Com on now…..Normal IS hot. Anyone who doesn’t know that is not worth your time anyway

    Leah Danielle recently posted Response cached until Thu 15 @ 21:27 GMT (Refreshes in 60 Minutes).

  39. Great title!

    The Hook recently posted The Hook Dodges A Bullet – Barely!.

  40. Yeah…this was the exact same thing that happened to me only multiply 10 by 4 and you’ll have exactly how many pounds I gained in 3 months after the medication started “working.” So not cool meds, not cool.

    Rita recently posted Scary Baby Birds.

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