On the outs with Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy Sedaris:

It has been two weeks since I gave you my phone number and you decided I wasn’t dangerous enough to respond to.  But it’s no big deal.  It never could have worked out between us anyway.

First of all, I was looking at what you wrote in my book at your booksigning and I’ve realized that there’s a big difference between what you actually wrote

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…and what I now believe you actually meant, which I assume is:

“No really, I’m soooo fucking sorry that I had to hear that scathingly boring story of some lunatic’s husband’s emergency gallbladder surgery.  What does this have to do with me again?  Oh yeah, nothing.  I wonder what my pet rabbit is doing right now?  Probably pooping.  Or having little rabbity dreams.  Or having sex.  God, that rabbit gets around.  I wonder if I should have her checked for VD.  Oh Lord, loonie’s still talking.  What is this she’s handing me?  A love letter with pictures of me and her cat on it? Oh that’s helpful.  Someone call security.”

Secondly, Amy, I fucking hate cupcakes.  I know in my letter to you I said there was nothing better, but what I really meant to say was that “there’s nothing better than a too-small, unsatisfying cake that’s been baked in a bag of paper, unless it’s basically anything else in the world.”  Like maybe a sandwich filled with broken glass and hair, that would be better.

Anyway, I can’t believe that I wasted all that time at Blogher listening to the static-filled feedback from the bug I planted on you when I could have been focusing on throwing myself at Chloe Dao, who didn’t even laugh at me when I drunkenly cut off a chunk of my own hair in front of her at a cocktail party.  (True story.)

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Anyway, no hard feelings.  I hope you and your filthy gonorrhea rabbit are very happy together.

~Jenny

PS.  Do you know Chloe?  Because if you could get me in with her I’d be willing to destroy the audio of you using the toilet that I may or may not have been playing at parties.

58 thoughts on “On the outs with Amy Sedaris

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Is that seriously what she put in your book? Because that is too awesome – but really? Notice she signed it to him? I think she’s after your husband, dude.

  2. sometimes you made me laugh out loud. this is one of those times.

    you are so hilarious, friend. right to my gut hilarious.

  3. “there’s nothing better than a too-small, unsatisfying cake that’s been baked in a bag of paper, unless it’s basically anything else in the world”

    I think this may be your best quote yet.

  4. Hi, first time caller. I had a choice of ironing my face or reading this blog. We are
    all faced with tough decisions from time to
    time.

  5. Sandra – You’re in. Please bring Canadian licorice.
    Hung Tung – Insulting or not, your comment was far too witty to not approve. Welcome, my funny little troll.
    MotherGooseMouse – That’s sick. And brilliant.
    Kittenpie – Yep, that’s seriously what she wrote in the book. And she’d better back off my husband because I’m not afraid to smack a bitch.

  6. Ah, shit. We’re having cupcakes at the wedding. Sorry.

    (Though, we’ll also have homemade mini cheesecake squares….so hopefully you like those?)

  7. I don’t know which to be more worried about: You not liking cupcakes or you cutting off your hair in front of Chloe Dao. Eh, either way I still love ya.

  8. Ya know, you are so FREAKIN’ right about cupcakes!! I mean, SERIOUSLY, real cake is SO much better!!! Cookies are better!! Any treat without paper is BETTER!

    You speak wisdom, my friend.

  9. If I was there at BlogHer, I would have stolen that chunk of hair and slept with it under my pillow.

    Great psycho stalker minds think alike!

  10. Dearest Jenny,

    I am so sorry that that Amy Bitch made you sad. She obviously doesn’t understand “Fucked up in an interesting way”. But I totally get fucked up in an interesting way and I too have a vowel in my first name. Oh my got, it’s like we’re sisters.

    Love, your biggest fan

  11. Heh

    Wow! Remind me to never cross you. A broken glass and hair sandwich has to be the epitome of disgusting.

    (Also, I agree, the rabbit is probably pooping. They seem to do that a lot.)

  12. *crying with laughter over Ruth’s comment, after the Glorious Humor by Jenny and the fabulous troll-dropping by Hung Tung*

  13. Justin,

    You have one in me. Didn’t you get the cake I baked you made from the trimmings of my hair?

    I can’t get you out of my mind. I dream about…

    Ewwwwww….

    Sorry dude, I creeped myself out there. I gotta get serious again.

  14. Jesus Christ, that’s some serious batshit crazy you spewed out and actually handed to her. Like what the hell was she supposed to do? Be all OMG MUST CALL HER NOW!!!!11 What celebrity would *ever* do that? Writing a note back to someone who wrote is one thing, but calling a fan is probably never going to happen. You crossed a serious line and quickly got filed into her crazy fan category.

    P.S. You’re also not funny at all, I don’t understand what all these people are crying laughter tears over

  15. a friend of mine and i once saw amy sedaris perform at… um, something… and he had her sign a blowup sex doll. one, incidentally, that was already signed by john waters. i think he’s just going around having it signed by the sorts of celebrities who are likely to sign blowup sex dolls (lydia lunch? no prob. hilary duff? probably not.) but i would have wondered, if i’d been amy, what she would have thought of the fact that there is now a blowup doll with just her name and john waters’ name on it. only john waters’ persuasion (and maybe amy sedaris’, too, i wouldn’t know) would keep someone from thinking that the dual signatures meant amy sedaris and john waters had “been there done that”… together. if you get my drift. but she seemed mostly cheerful about signing the little sex doll and it could be our weirdness prepared her for your weirdness. or vice versa, cuz i couldn’t say which of us swooped down on her like shrieking banshee-like fanpeople first. i only know now that all three of us have.

  16. First – Backing Away Slowly needs to back into a red hot poker.
    Secondly – If I had your number , Id call you. I’d reverse the charges, but I would call you.

  17. Ok, now would a gallbladder cozy be a cozy made from a gallbladder? Or a cozy made FOR the removed gallbladder? Because there is a surprising few containers made for toting around dismembered gallbladders.

  18. I love Amy Sedaris’ new book…Crafts for Poor People, or something like that. I used it for ALL my Christmas Giving this year. Thank goodness I had all that crap left over from the many many crafts I have attempted but failed to master! I wonder what she would write in my book? Thanks for the Knitted Cat Hair Sweater? ‘Cause I would totally give her one!

  19. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Your “Mom?” comeback to Mr. Backing Away Slowly was so priceless, so . . . Jennyesque. This is why I don’t blog. I would have been so crushed by a cruel comment like that that I would have deleted my whole post after I read it before committing suicide.

    I live right up the road from you. Coffee? : )

  20. Oh lord, the posts have me howling and then I’m drowning in tears by the comments! However the “Mom?” comeback is some seriously funny shit.

  21. Comments 41 & 42 win the Internet. Backing away: my condolences for your loss. No one should have to go through life without a sense of humor. We can only hope that the loss was recent and that you are very old.

  22. Presumably Hacking Away Slowly, sorry Backing, came to your site after seeing a link to it somewhere opened up the link saw a nut job in curlers who picked up her hair drier instead of her ’45’ and noticed that she compared herself to Mother Teresa, so the question is, “Why did he read on?”

    And just for his or her information she is OUR nutjob and we find her funny so please do avoid US all in future, or maybe not, cos we cam all then laugh at you in a ‘there, there, sort of way’

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