Hey, you know when crazy people think that they aren’t crazy and everyone around them knows they really, really need drugs but Crazy’s just not having it and so they go off their medication and you realize that without drugs they’re even nuttier than you remember and you just want to lock them in a closet them until the drugs get back in their bloodstream? That sucks. It sucks even worse when you realize that you’re that crazy person.
I was starting to think that maybe I didn’t need the drugs for my anxiety disorder but it turns out that within a few weeks of being drug-free all the panicky OCD crap has returned. Even the math dreams are back. Every time I close my eyes I’m slaving over impossible algebra problems. Stuff like “What is red + blue?” and I know you’re thinking “Easy, dumbass. It’s purple” but no, it’s 8 and you have to show your math.
Anyway, if you’re thinking about going off your drugs, take it from me: Don’t. You’re crazy. You’re the exactly the kind of person these drugs were made for.
By the way, my mom is not a fan of me using the word “crazy” to describe myself so feel free to replace it with another word. I suggest “balmy” or “bloomin’ mad” because British slang is funny.
Conversation last night between me and my husband:
Me: I kind of feel like I’m gonna have a panic attack.
Victor: Huh. Hey, rub my feet.
I always feel better when I do something nice for you, so if I let you give me a foot rub it’ll probably help you.
How generous of you. But no.
Well then…how about if you just suck it up and stop whining like a big baby?
Oops. Sorry, baby. I just thought maybe…you know…tough love…?
*glare* Tough love doesn’t work on anxiety disorders.
Ah. *long pause* How about if I just hold you underwater for awhile?
Oh, wait. No. That’s for hiccups.
Uh…no. That’s not for anything.
Oh. Well, good thing you didn’t also have the hiccups.
Victor…there’s something really wrong with you.
Still feel like you’re going to have a panic attack?
Well then. You’re welcome.
In non-balmy news, my sister always reads the police dispatcher logs in her area to see who’s being arrested for what because she’s awesome and nosey. She sent me this one:
“10:04 a.m. Indecent exposure; Quail Ridge Apartments; subject showering naked”
Cripes. I don’t have a punch line for this but that’s okay because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t even need one.