Unsent letters to the vet

Dear Dr. X,  We were very disappointed when you killed our cat accidentally by popping his bladder, however you did a really good job of killing him on purpose with the lethal injection.  Did we get charged twice for that? 

Dear Dr. X,  We don’t understand why you had to use the injection to kill Bubba when you were doing so well killing him by popping his vital organs.  I’m sure if you had kept at it you could have popped his heart too.  Next time, apply yourself.

Dear Dr. X,  We picked up the feline heart medication your office left us a message about but it’s not working.  Are we supposed to mix it with something before we put it in the urn?  Because he looks like of “ashy”.  Ha, ha!  Just kidding.  We know you killed him. 

Best comment of the day:  They gave you medicine for your dead cat? They’re either very confused or very, very good. ~Diesel

53 replies. read them below or add one

  1. This Dr. X, is he related to Malcolm?

    furiousball’s last blog post..tactical underwear coup backfires

  2. snarf.

    Attila the Mom’s last blog post..Waaah!

  3. There totally needs to be a line of Hallmark cards that address this particular situation.

    I think what you’ve got here is a good start.

    The only suggestion I have is that you start each one of them with something like “Dear Hamfisted, Butterfingered, Appallingly Insensitive, Mouth-Breathing Cat-Murdering, Cretinous Doctor (insert name here)” before continuing.

    Just a thought.

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Parody of Chopper Reid Australian PSA

  4. I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry. Or both.

    Hallmark should pay you BIG bucks for those.

    sam’s last blog post..Cut. It. Out.

  5. Had to come back.

    Saw the dollhouse and my first thought was: I wonder if she’d let me come over and play? My second thought was: this woman is going to rule the world some day.

    Goddamn but you’re cool. Cooly cooly cool!

    Dr. Ding’s last blog post..Parody of Chopper Reid Australian PSA

  6. Oh man, these are all brilliant but the last one takes the cake. Can you file medical malpractice suits against vets?

    Jess’s last blog post..Five travel things

  7. The neighbor ran over my inlaws cat because she drives like a crazy person in a residential area and the most they got out of her was a phone call when she got home saying, “You might want to look out front, I might have hit your cat.”

    Can you do up a form letter for her, too?

    Sonia’s last blog post..I Think This Might Qualify for Urban Dictionary

  8. is it bad that i’m laughing like a hyena, while feeling my heart break for you all at the same time?

    just curious

    Biddy’s last blog post..While I’ve Got Y’all Praying….

  9. 1. You should never feel bad for laughing. In fact, the best laughs I’ve had are about things that should not be laughed at. Laughter is one of the stages in the grieving process. It’s the one right before mailing threatening letters to your vet.

    2. Dr. Ding, you can come play in my dollhouse anytime. Rowr.

    3. I should clarify that Bubba already had a small hole in his bladder from the bloodclot so he probably would have died even if the doctor hadn’t held him over the sink and squeezed him with all of his might.

    4. “I MIGHT have hit your cat?” How sensitive of her. You need to leave her a phone message too. “I might have left my dead cat in your mailbox when I went over to knife your tires and set your porch on fire.”

  10. Um…I have nothing.

    Except that reading this keeps making me have to pee. I promise not to squeeze myself over the sink.

    Greta’s last blog post..My Shape Dot Com

  11. Dear Doctor X: I’m so blogging about this. The world will know what you did. Next time you get a wild hair up your ass to pop someones cats bladder, you might want to make sure that the owner doesn’t talk to 25,000+ people a month.

    In other words, kill a cat that doesn’t get blogged. Its just, wrong.

    That is what I would write him.I think that your letters are lovely though, especially about the heart meds. I scared my children awake when I cackled out loud this morning.

  12. I was going to write something about killing blogged cats, but Kristin appears to have eloquently beat me to the punch. 🙂

    Kelley’s last blog post..Learning to Blog (But I Don’t Have Wings)

  13. There should be an apology, and a REFUND on the heart meds.

    At least tell me they sent one of those cards with the Rainbow Bridge poem on it. I think that’s a requirement to graduate from Vet school – You Must Be Able To Recite Rainbow Bridge At Any Given Time.

    daysgoby’s last blog post..achieving your dreams *updated*

  14. I have a lot of those letters, written to people like my mom’s auto insurance company. They look like this:

    Dear Insurance Company,

    Remember how I talked to you about cancelling my mom’s car insurance? Because she died? And how you had me fax over her death certificate so you could have proof that I was cancelling her insurance for a “valid” reason? Did I fail to point out that her new status (being dead) kind of qualifies her as no longer able to drive, or something? Because these renewal ID cards you sent me in the mail? They say “Melissa’s Mom (DECEASED)” on them, and really, she isn’t using her wallet anymore. Or her car. On account of she’s dead. Really. I didn’t just change her last name to DECEASED.

    Stay classy, Triple A!

    Kisses,
    Melissa

  15. Next time you visit the vet (if there is a next time) spray him with a water bottle and smack him gently with a newspaper. That will learn him.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..Weekly winners Feb 3 2008

  16. This is why you need pet insurance haha!

    Van per setay’s last blog post..Fixed rate mortgage

  17. And the Animal Cruelty ad just keeps showing up with the face of that little kitty on it! I’m looking at it on the page next to all your hilarious comments. Oh! I am cracking up all by myself at my computer like a crazy.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..It’s Spring!

  18. as a letter writer, you are killer.

    *going to my room now*

    janet’s last blog post..Fun Monday #56: the wish I’d thought of that edition

  19. Let me add my dead cat letter:

    Dear Stupid, Old, Fucking Neighbors:

    Thanks for calling DEAD ANIMAL PICK-UP to get my poor, beloved BillyBob instead of referring to the flyer that went around the neighborhood looking for my sweet and terminally ill cat. I never got to see him again because of you and I, natch, don’t even have an urn to fill with heart medication. Bastards. You.

    squishes, liv

  20. You are becoming a wee bit morbid, me thinks?! Ugh. Where did you bury your poor kitty?

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Pat’s right: Love IS a Battlefield

  21. Which one are you mailing to the local paper?

    Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Lovebug

  22. reminds me of when I got a message from the hospital wanting to schedule a pre-admit for my c-section after I spent 2 weeks and $100k of my insurance company’s money with the baby in NICU…gotta love the attention to detail.

    Katy’s last blog post..I’m a b@#$%, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother

  23. damn- just noticed that cat add is back on the sidebar.

    Katy’s last blog post..I’m a b@#$%, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother

  24. Oh. Jenny. It still sucks. But as the Most Beautiful Boy from Texas (who now lives in NY) said on NPR yesterday: if I was a fairy godmother (instead of just a fairy) and I could wave my wand over a cradle and grant a gift, it would be the ability to laugh at the worst times in life.

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..But you know, everything looks better after a good weekend’s sleep

  25. The last one is a keeper, I think.

    Kyla’s last blog post..69*

  26. I see Cruelty Cat is back to oversee the letter-writing process…

    Let me ask you this… If you sent Bubba to your dad for his, uh, services, would he glue some hair back on or would he forever be immortalized as Bubba, the half-paralyzed tub-cat?

    SO sorry to laugh at your sorrow, but damn, girl! You really are funny when you grieve.

    Sayre’s last blog post..Fun Monday – They Said It!

  27. I’ve been really nervous lately when hugging my kids. What if one of them has a hole in his/her bladder?

    Pats on the head must be safer.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Maybe March IS Spring

  28. Oh what have I happened upon! This is friggin’ hilarious (not the poor kitty dying, but the comment). Now my monitor is spattered with spit out water from laughing……I’ll be back tomorrow.

  29. Don’t complain, you got a heckuva deal. You know how long it takes doctors to snuff out *all* nine lives?

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Updates for March 9, 2008

  30. I refuse to become involved in a commenting competition!

    Willowtree’s last blog post..Celebrity Look alikes

  31. Dear Dr. X,

    Thank you for the sympathy card you sent us after you killed our dog. We especially appreciated the part where you had us lift into the back of the pickup before you killed him since he’d be too heavy to lift after you killed him.

    Thank you very much for your sympathy and empathy.

    Sandy’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Quotes to Live By?

  32. Personally, I think you should send each of them separately on a postcard. Preferably a postcard with a picture of something suitably morbid.

    Then it will be time to dispute those final charges.

    Stooopid bladder popping vet!

    Hatchet’s last blog post..Misery 1, Hatchet 0

  33. On the one hand, the heart med message was probably a dumb mistake by the office staff, but, on the other hand, if the vet had even a modicum of the concern about keeping your cat alive as you did– besides the time and energy he put into the effort– it seems that he should clearly remember euthanizing your cat and, as a result, make sure that no one sent you a reminder about heart medication for said cat.

    I think this deserves a blanket, “You’re all a bunch of assholes,” card. It should have Bubba’s pissed-off looking face on the front and shaved butt on the back, possibly with a little note that instructs the recipients to kiss said butt.

    C’s last blog post..“No Machine”

  34. Dr X:

    You should not squeeze a cat like he is a tube of toothpaste.

    Oh, and BTW, that isn’t toothpaste. You know, the brown stuff squirting out his. Ass.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Sign of Spring

  35. 35
    ThatGreenyFlower

    I vote for #3. And here’s some free advice for a medical professional: just g’wan and toss the heart pills right in the urn with the remains.

  36. I have one for my lawyer:

    Dear Ms. Xy-Z,
    Thank you for the swift step-parent adoption for my son. But when we said his last name should remain my maiden name, we meant it. We didn’t mean change it just for fun and then bill us for the change. Now my son doesn’t know who he is and we owe lots and lots of money.

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..As the Merry-Go-Round Turns. . . .

  37. I tried to read these letters, but the half-naked broads to the right were really distracting …

    Maternal Mirth’s last blog post..Photo of the Week

  38. They gave you medicine for your dead cat? They’re either very confused or very, very good.

    diesel’s last blog post..Harry Potter and the Comments of Retardedness

  39. Dear Dr X-
    Just admit it, you done fucked up and killed my cat. It’s cool, it happens to the best of us.
    I mean, like one time, I accidentally hacked up a vet and put him in my freezer…see? Accidents happen all the time.

    flutter’s last blog post..My archnemisis, the Altima

  40. I can’t compete.

    But I sure enjoy watching everyone try to beat each other. There should be a Kawasaki sub-category for funniest commenters. You’d rock that one too, Jenny!

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Headlessness Abounds

  41. It’s nice to know that the medical billing people don’t discriminate against felines.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Just Like Them

  42. You’ve got to love that the vet is a pill pusher even after the cat’s dead. That’s tactfulness defined.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Stress by any other name would not smell as sweet

  43. Okay. I can’t hold back any longer.

    Those ashes could be put to good use, y’know…

    http://www.lifegem.com/

    (Oh, Jen. Even I’m ashamed of my sense of humour sometimes.)

    xox Jess

    daysgoby’s last blog post..(not) (breast) feeding carnival post

  44. Hi, I’ve been reading for a while and just wanted to say your blog always makes me laugh. And I also wanted to say that I am sorry your cat died. Oh and as for the letters, you should send them all 😉

  45. our vet gave us medicine for our dying cat, i guess he thought the cat had a chance. within two days our cat was miserable and we had to take him to the er vet and they suggested we do the humane thing and put him to sleep.

    i changed vets, besides i suspected that guy was taking the animal drugs b/c he was a loony.

  46. You, my new cyber friend, are freaking hilarious. I mean, in that way that I am in physical pain, funny. I mean, cruelly, evilly funny.

    Adding a link to you so I can come back for what is sure to become a necessary, daily fix.

    Thanks for your comments on my site, glad you found it however you did.

    Chris in Oxford’s last blog post..Aussie Rules: We Grow Up

  47. I can’t stop laughing.

    It reminds me of the time when my son was getting prepped for burial and I asked the very young mortician if I could make sure there was another person in the room with my son while he was being ‘prepared.’ Because I wanted to make sure no one took advantage of his young, nubile nakedness.

    The dude was horrified that I would suggest he would ever think about playing with dead people, let alone dead little boys.

    My husband wanted to strangle me and all I could say was ‘well, he is a very attractive little boy. And you do play with dead people all day long. It seems a logical leap to me…”

    I made other inappropriate but highly humourous remarks that day as well.

    That mortician still won’t look me in the eyes….

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Big Love

  48. “Next time, apply yourself” made me choke.

    Why are you so funny? And why do I want to tell you that I love you?

    Y’s last blog post..Today, I Choose Cheese.

  49. Oh, geez. I’m so sorry to hear this is how Bubba died. You totally didn’t need this.

    Does your husband have another gun to sell so you can sue that Dr. X?

    Damselfly’s last blog post..Newbies on the doodies

  50. Yay, I got best comment!

    diesel’s last blog post..Harry Potter and the Comments of Retardedness

  51. Obviously your veterinarian is also a very good politician!

    Beth from The Funny Farm’s last blog post..What A Pair!

  52. So I stumbled onto your site this morning looking to kill 20 minutes while my coffee kicked in and I haven’t been able to stop reading. All. Day. Long. Reading this one I almost peed myself. I know, pets dying isn’t supposed to be funny, be really?! You are hysterical. I love you – you are my new hero!

  53. […]  We’re not made of chairs, Barnaby Jones. Comment of the day: Is this the same doctor that squeezed your cat to death? Because I don’t think we should trust him anymore. “Yeah, I know his balls are down there. […]

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