Still high, making big announcements

in Random Crap

So when I was drugged up I hinted about the fact that I had a really big announcement to make and I’m still high because I have dry sockets so this post might not make any sense at all.  Anyway, here’s my big announcement:

Today I quit Mama Drama. 

This is when most of you go, “What the hell’s a Mama Drama?” and I scream “You don’t know anything about me!” and then we get this weird vibe where you are like my emotionally distant stepfather who just doesn’t understand me and won’t let me become a dancer because secretly he was the Pan-American Champion Dancer in 1967 and accidentally killed my mother by doing a violent (but breath-taking) tango-back-bend and vowed to never dance again but then I run off with Reynaldo and we enter the national tango competition and win enough money to pay the taxes on the farm and you think it’s all over but then Reynaldo gives my stepfather this long look of recognition and then you realize that they’ve been having an affair this whole time!  What a dick!  And then Reynaldo is all “But we’ll always have the dance, my little cabbage” and I kick him in the scrote and go straight to a 1980’s musical montage of me trying on new clothes with my sassy, big-haired girlfriends who are all fabulous and also secretly witches.  Oh and I have a cat named Mr. BoJangles who makes a magical journey of self-discovery.  

Also there are ninjas. 

This is where I should put a transition sentence getting back to my original announcement but I can’t think of one so just pretend I had one right here and it was really funny and brilliant.  (Hahaha!  That thing I just said was so hilarious.  I’m priceless!)  So anyway, I’m quitting Mama Drama (which will still go on and be fabulous) and I’m moving to a new blog on the Houston Chronicle called “Good Mom/Bad Mom” where I will be joined by Mindy Sterba, who is one of my favorite bloggers with whom I have a love/hate relationship and who I often accuse of working in the sex industry. 

good-mom-bad-mom4.jpg

(Photo by Buster Dean, Houston Chronicle)

You should go there right now and put it on your blogroll and write about it and also tattoo it on yourself.  Then send me pictures of the tattoos.  Then someone call Hollywood  because “Mr. BoJangles The Transsexual Cat” is not going to just produce itself.  By the way, I just decided that Mr. BoJangles is a transsexual.  Deal with it, middle America.

PS.  Did you know that the stuff they pack your pain-wracked mouth with if you get dry sockets tastes like old dirty hippies?  Because it totally does.

Comment of the day:  You are f**ing brilliant my drugged up, dry-socketed friend. That is by far one of the best ideas for anything, anywhere, EVER! Ninjas brighten up everyones day, except for the poor bastard that’s about to “get it” (not dirty).  At the end when the cat finally comes to terms with itself, someone in the onlooking crowd then needs to stand and slowly start clapping, enticing the others to join in one by one until there is an upraoar of applause and the Tranny cat and his hemophiliac squirrel lover publicly consumate their eternal bond…UNTIL THE SEQUEL!!!!  Is it true they had to surgically remove your jaw and wash it off hith a common garden hose and then surgically reattach it to cure dry sockets? I hope not, that would suck.
Seriously, fell better.  ~Kregg

113 thoughts on “Still high, making big announcements”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Jenny,

    You are my hero for this run on sentence alone:

    “This is when most of you go, “What the hell’s a Mama Drama?” and I scream “You don’t know anything about me!” and then we get this weird vibe where you are like my emotionally distant stepfather who just doesn’t understand me and won’t let me become a dancer because secretly he was the Pan-American Champion Dancer in 1967 and accidentally killed my mother by doing a violent (but breath-taking) tango-back-bend and vowed to never dance again but then I run off with Reynaldo and we enter the national tango competition and win enough money to pay the taxes on the farm and you think it’s all over but then Reynaldo gives my stepfather this long look of recognition and then you realize that they’ve been having an affair this whole time!”

    SCREW PUNCTUATION!

    Houston’s last blog post..I Am Not As Dumb As I Thought

  3. You are f**ing brilliant my drugged up, dry-socketed friend. That is by far one of the best ideas for anything, anywhere, EVER! Ninjas brighten up everyones day, except for the poor bastard that’s about to “get it” (not dirty). At the end when the cat finally comes to terms with itself, someone in the onlooking crowd then needs to stand and slowly start clapping, enticing the others to join in one by one until there is an upraoar of applause and the Tranny cat and his hemophiliac squirrel lover publicly consumate their eternal bond…UNTIL THE SEQUEL!!!!
    Is it true they had to surgically remove your jaw and wash it off hith a common garden hose and then surgically reattach it to cure dry sockets? I hope not, that would suck.
    Seriously, fell better.

  5. The comment about the tranny cat and the squirrel hemopheliac just cannot be believed. After all..who is on top when they consummate their love ala “From Here to Eternity”? The cat? I think not. And don’t cats hate water?

    Sorry you’re leaving Mama Drama and btw I DO SO know what it is because it’s on my blogroll. And now I’ve got to change it. Bitch. But kudos to you anyway.

    AB’s last blog post..Notes From the Underground

  6. So, do you get paid for this new gig, or what? Cause baby, Reynaldo needs a new pair of shoes.

  7. Sadly I have still yet to recieve a paycheck from the Houston Chronicle but they do occassionally take me out for cake. (Not a euphamism.)

    Also, I cannot believe I left out the all-essential hemophiliac squirrel. Kregg, get on your writing boots because this joint-effort screenplay is going to kick ass.

  9. You know the problem with Mama Drama is that it rhymes. And just look what that did to Mr. Green Jeans. He ended up running down Broad Street in 1997 completely naked except for the bacon thong he fashioned from a shitload of Hormel Black Label (which truth be told, is decent bacon before it’s strapped to a nude man). Mr. Green Jeans thought the Flyers were a lock to win the cup, but he failed to read the papers and he didn’t know they were swept by the Red Wings. To add insult to injury, he inadvertently bought peppered bacon and he died.

    True story.

    furiousball’s last blog post..toss me down the staircase

  12. I love a good run-on sentence as much as the next girl, but…Dayum! That was awesome.

    I’ve added you to my “Favorites” list.

  13. oh, I thought for a minute that you were going to be both bad mom and good mom and be like that episode of gilligan’s island when everyone was disappearing and gilligan thought he was doing a jeckle & hyde number and then there was that food thing they pulled on him in court in his dream and ginger was all slutty (ginger was always slutty) and anyway it’s much more boring when there’s two of you and I might go read occasionally.

    Bob’s last blog post..wow, part 2

  18. So, is someone else going to be the Good Mom and you two are the Bad Moms? Is this the next step in the Min/Jen Worldwide Takeover?

    I’m scared. I’ll be hiding under my tinfoil hat in the bunker if anyone needs me.

    Nicole P.’s last blog post..Cancer Update – Surgery Day

  21. Dear Jenny,

    Please promise me you will be totally off the sauce if you make decisions about any of the following:

    Real Estate
    Marital status
    dinner preparations
    or
    sex change

    kthxbai

    flutter’s last blog post..a tale of two blondes

  22. jenny, jenny, jenny! woo! go you. i never have been a fan of mamas or dramas, so this change sounds great.

    btw, i might be in your neck of the woods soon!

  23. I love that your high and you STILL get to be the good mom. Also…what the hell is with you and the double blog thing. You’re annoying me like Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh…she can act and get Oscars and THAT’S not enough, she sings too except that she names her kids fruit and bean dip or whatever. Wait…maybe bad example. I kind of hate Gwynneth Paltrow (how the eff DO you spell her name?). What about that Bo guy who played baseball AND football (was it football or was it basketball…who the eff cares). Bo Diddly? Bo Jackson? Bo Schembeckler? Aw fuck it.

    Greta’s last blog post..Help Me Name Stuff – I’m Buying

  27. Dude, your halo is ASKEW.
    I’m trying to figure out what kind of mud wrestling, ass grabbing, porn marathon contest you lost to be dubbed the “good” mom.
    SUCKA!

    Wait….you’re good mom like “good cop, bad cop” when everyone knows, the good cop pretends to be good to get the perp.

    Tricky little minx.

    Sonia’s last blog post..…and Man are My Arms Tired

  28. ok so like, uhmmm, have you already shared the story about the time you tasted the old dirty hippies? if not, now’s the time for that.
    you crack my shit up dear. truly.
    rock on.

    jac’s last blog post..10.

  33. Mindy gets the devil horns and you get the halo?!?!

    Funnnneeeeeyyyy!

    AND…I misread the stuff they packed your dry sockets with as “old dirty NIPPLES” and I figured that sounded about right, or at least not any weirder than the rest of the post, but then I noticed my mistake and I was ashamed.

    It’s the rabbit’s fault….

    Robin’s last blog post..Oh no oh no oh no oh no OH!NO!!!

  34. Congrats on the move to Good Mom/Bad Mom! I’ll be sure to check it out.
    I am totally Ok with Mr. Bojangles the cat being transsexual, but I do have some reservations about him breeding. It probably won’t really matter, because datinghas to be tough for transsexual felines.

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Trip to Wales~Part II

  43. First of all dry socket totally sucks and even though it has been oh I don’t know a million years (okay 10) since I had it…. that taste WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!!! Blah, blah, blah! When you said “old dirty hippies”, hmmm yeah the taste was there. YUCK!

    Anyway, sooo excited about your new blog. I love you and love Mindy and totally can’t wait.

    *Ouch*

    That is me getting my tattoo. It is really, really small so you might not be able to see it, but it is totally there.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Technologically Challenged

  44. Wow. I leave you two alone for a few months…

    Kidding.

    Congrats! Will go check it out. Have’t been to Mama Drama since I left town- not on purpose, just haven’t had alot of time…

    Shades’s last blog post..Some Things

  46. wait, wait…. woah.
    you’re the GOOD mom?

    heh.

    i look forward to checking it out, says the mom who drank the fucking bottle of pinot grigio in less than an hour… ha!!!!

    (and yes, i am planning on drunk blogging later tonight. wheeeeee!)

  51. I am telling you, Jenny, you are one of a kind and that kind is awesome! I can’t wait to check out the new blog, you and Mindy have always been my favorites at Mama Drama!

    Bunny’s last blog post..Best Game Ever

  52. P.S. Dude, you blog awesome when you’re high. I can’t decide if I should advise you to cut back or secretly slip you some more.

    Bunny’s last blog post..Best Game Ever

  53. So, that’s the news you’ve been sitting on…yay for you and Min. Does this mean Evil-Dwight’s going to finally shell out the bucks? And, I can hit you both up for loans now? 😉

    More importantly, how do you know what dirty old hippies taste like? (on second thought, maybe I don’t want to know…Hmm. LOL)

  54. I wouldn’t know what a dirty old hippie tasted like, even if I had one in my mouth.

    Also, one of my cats is totally transsexual. Maybe s/he could get the part? I’d totally help you with costuming. Maybe even choreography if you’re lucky.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Further Proof I’m Not Just Crazy

  55. I hate that dry socket stuff. I drank some Yoo-hoo right after they put it in, and I haven’t been able to touch it since. On the plus side, I lost a few pounds because I couldn’t really stand to eat anything with the hippie taste in my mouth.

    Jessica’s last blog post..One Month.

  57. jenny, do you ever get the feeling that you’re all boxed in and your cranium is just WAY too confining? i just have to think you do.

  59. I love you high. I have some drugs left over from my c-section – I’ll send them to you if you promise to use them only for stoned blogging.

    Beth’s last blog post..Love/Hate

  62. I’m a dirty old hippie. Taste me. Oh, wait.
    You’re the only reason I’ve ever read Mama Drama. I’m a childless old dude, and I only read it because of your boobs. Oh, wait.
    Transsexual cats and hemophiliac squirrels do not mix. Claws, you know. Oh, wait.
    You said “the scrote.” Oh, wait.
    You didn’t eat Mindy? Oh, wait.
    Your halo is Askew? I went to school with Butch Askew. Are you related? Oh, wait.
    Robin says you have old, dirty nipples. Ha! Oh, wait.
    Chelle is wrong. It won’t be a fab blog. It’ll be a blab fog. Really. Just watch. Oh, wait.
    OK. Here comes the comment. Are you ready? Are you sitting?
    Oh, wait.
    I forgot.

  66. Um, I think you meant to say your new blog is called Ninja Mom / Pirate Mom. And I have the photos to prove who Pirate Mom is. Obviously Ninjas can’t be photographed.

  70. Of course there are ninjas; there are always ninjas. Well always except when there are zombies, because, little known fact, ninjas are totally afraid of zombies. Zombies are ninja kryptonite.

    Woodlandmama’s last blog post..Rory Again

  72. I with Mayberry. My first thought on seeing that picture is “wait, Jenny is the GOOD mom?” I mean, I love your blog and all, but I have totally misjudged Houston if you are the good mom. All those years of anti-Texas bias wasted. Wow, time for me to rethink my priorities. (after I check out the new blog, of course)

    nonlineargirl’s last blog post..Stories Repeated

  73. Whenever I hear “dry socket” I think of an extremely elderly woman and an entirely different orifice. Not that I think your mouth is anything like an ancient vagina that hasn’t seen any action for a while. I just don’t say things like that to people.

    Congrats on your new endeavor!

    Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

  76. I can’t believe that bitch Reynaldo did that to you! And then called you a “little cabbage!” Frankly, I think I would be more offended at being called a cabbage, because they kind of smell funny and really, deep down you knew about Reynaldo, didn’t you?

    Captain Steve’s last blog post..Debauchery!

  77. Great photo! Was it bds (before dry socket) or after? That font messes with my mind though. I keep reading it as good momj. Maybe it’s a ninja thing. dunnno.

    simplypink’s last blog post..suddenly I see

  80. Way to go Buster Dean, photog. You totally fixed Jenny’s hook nose AND photoshopped Mindy’s teeth back. You rock.

  81. Oh, but you look so sweet, so innocent, like such a *good* mom in your new photo with that lovely glowing halo and everything. How better to disguise yourself to spread your bizarre, subversive brand of humor? I love it!

    Can this be considered a promotion if it doesn’t come with a raise from nothing to…well…anything more than cake?

    Stacey

    Stacey’s last blog post..Yesterday…

  82. It DOES taste like dirty old hippies! I got two dry sockets out of three wisdom teeth removal sites. Awesome. Enjoy the drugs!

    Also, I was just laughing so hard at this entire post that I literally spurted milk out of my nose. I am, unfortunately, not lying.

    ali’s last blog post..Blu-Ray Confessions

  87. Wait, my mind is being blown. You are the good mom? That must mean you’re a mom? Just to your furbaby who you killed via bladder explosion? Because I’d think that would make you the bad mom. (Unless the Houston Chronicle is made up of dog people?)

  88. I LOVE the way you said there we had to imagine there was a transitional sentence. Something I don’t understand. Why did they choose you to get the halo instead of the horns??? LOL! I love your entries when you are high. You are even funnier!

  89. dirty old hippies are now plotting revenge against you. They’ll be having a sit in on your front lawn pretty soon, and you won’t know if it’s the drugs or the hippies and why are you hallucinating them singing the age of aquarius ten zillion times?

    Claudia’s last blog post..Bits and Blurbs

  92. “Mediocre Mom” would be a great name for a blog. Or a slogan on a T-shirt.

    How is it that all these people get so many good drugs? My surgeon prescribed 30 Vicodin. That’s it. No refills. Do not pass GO, do not collect more narcotics. It is TOTALLY not fair. I have nothing with which to high-blog. (and what is this “leftover” drug thing that Beth is talking about? She didn’t use them? Why the hell not? I do *not* understand some people.)

    markira’s last blog post..I Am Not Amused

  93. Hey! They haven’t “allowed” my comment on your new Good Mom/Bad Mom site. You think it’s because I mentioned how I enjoyed learning about the bobcat urine?? I guess because I’m a new reader I hadn’t read those crazy stories about your family yet. HILARIOUS! Now I understand everything.. 😉

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Family Tree

  94. I’m sure this has been covered already, but I’m not going to read 367 comments.

    So, your stepfather knew that you and Reynaldo were dancing the whole time, or did Reynaldo keep it from him, you know for his own good and the farm and everything?

    Also, you’re the good one?

    Whit’s last blog post..Alarm Clocks and Wedding Bells

  98. wait, which of you is the good mom and which is the bad mom?

    all of your comments make me dizzy when I scroll past them.

    or maybe it’s the 2-liter of Yellow Tail I just drank. NO I DIDN’T DRINK THE WHOLE ENTIRE THING. That would be fucking crazy. Dog.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..two minute break

  101. Jenny, I love you so much that not only will I blindly follow you over to Good Mom/Bad Mom, but I’d probably blindly follow you into a lava pit… let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

    kristin’s last blog post..The Final Word

  104. You totally played “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” during your 1980’s musical montage. And SJP was totally there, along with Shannon Doherty and Kirk Cameron starring as your hot but sexually non-threatening love interest. And you totally rolled your jeans and wore socks over them. Also you totally wore frosted pink lipstick.

    Totally.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..I Cried Over a Haircut Today

  105. So can I go with you on your next excursion to pick out a dirty old hippy to lick? I would like to see your criteria for finding the one that “is just right”!

  106. Dude!! Are they going to let you swear on the new blog? I mean if you’re going to be the bad mom, you have to be inappropriate, right?

    Um, I’m just assuming you’re the bad mom. Because, well, you know.

    Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..For Jenny, The Bloggess

  110. Ummm, so when were you planning on telling us you got a new cat!? Or is this just your way of seeing who actually went to your other site and read it? I think I should get extra points for this because I’m not even a mommy, and barely a blogger!

    I can’t wait to hear the great new Rolly updates.

    Tiffany’s last blog post..Shut the F**k up already!

  111. popped in for an update but I guess i am too early. hope you are recovering from your dental holocaust without too many complications. i woke with a zit on my nose. not an auspicious beginning for a Tuesday.
    peace and pastries.

  112. I feel ya sister, I totally have a hitler youth poster child myself. Sometimes when she was little I would want to pinch her she was so cute but then the crying and the feeling bad.

    Denise’s last blog post..Fun Monday

  113. So can I go with you on your next excursion to pick out a dirty old hippy to lick? I would like to see your criteria for finding the one that “is just right”!

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.
Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: