And then I got sued by Angelina Jolie

Holy shit, I can not believe they actually published this. 

 MamaPop really needs a fact-checker.

Comment of the day:   I’m pregnant with Ryan Reynolds torque wrench. And by pregnant, I mean it’s lodged in my asshole.

Pardon my French. Bet you didn’t know asshole was French… aren’t you supposed to say “pardon my french” before you say something terrible..


the wrench is kicking…  ~ furiousball

91 thoughts on “And then I got sued by Angelina Jolie

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  1. I’m pregnant with Ryan Reynolds torque wrench. And by pregnant, I mean it’s lodged in my asshole.

    Pardon my French. Bet you didn’t know asshole was French… aren’t you supposed to say “pardon my french” before you say something terrible..


    the wrench is kicking…

  2. you know when you’re so exhausted and you should be in bed but you just wanted to look around maggie’s utmost fave blog? and then, fifteen minutes later…you realize you’re snorting so loudly that it may wake up your girlies DOWN THE HALL?

    you would know this feeling if you were me.

    i like it here.

  3. Manager Mom – I have no idea what you’re talking about. This all came from my hairdress, not me. My hairdresser who totally exists and is not made up at all.

    PS. Kirsten Dunst is half robot, half monkey.


  4. I was all set to have a clever comment then Furiousball laid down the “I’m having Ryan Reynold’s torque wrench love child” card and I lost any chance I had at being witty. On the plus side, at least Kirsten Dunst is smart enough to avoid Tom Cruise. Even if she has to use vampire fangs to remember.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Sesame Street

  5. My mom knows the doctor who saw Angelina while they were in Texas, and so it’s totally true that’s she’s pregnant. Once that brick of what your hairdresser knows comes out, the whole foundation sort of crumbles. But I bet she’s really good with the shears. Or I know she is, because you hair’s got that swing.

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Out of stride Wednesday: Hump Day Hmm for May 21, 2008

  6. Can someone please tell me who Ryan Reynolds is and what he did to furiousball – those comments are so damn funny, I can only imagine they would be even funnier if I knew who the hell he was talking about.

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..WINNER! WINNER! WINNER!

  7. You are truly insane. The comment on Angelina cracked me up! And I loved the vampire fangs! I’ve always thought that was kind of freaky how she played a vampire and had real vampire looking teeth.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Five Favorite Blog Posts

  8. I need a new hairdresser. Mine just keeps telling me I have too many cowlicks to have nice hair. At least I thinks she’s saying “cowlicks.” She has a pretty thick accent. Maybe she’s carsick. Or thinks I look like John Cusack…

    piglet’s last blog post..Scotty’s Bunny Part 2: The Bunlet

  9. You are all ‘I wanna do a guest post on your blog Kelley’ and I am all ‘Why thankyou my Goddess, I bow to you’ and you are all ‘awesome’

    And then I find you pimping yourself out to the more popular chicks and sitting at their lunch table and shit.

    And I brought cookies for you. So I sit alone with my cookies…

    Kelley’s last blog post..Random McRandomness. You want fries with that?

  10. Kelley, you know I adore you. I suck at this guest blogging stuff as a million people can tell you. In fact, this whole thing was just an email to Sweetney about why I wasn’t going to write on MamaPop because they would get sued if I wrote this. But apparently they like to get sued. Sued is the new black. I’ve had too much to drink.

  11. I almost snorted tea out of my nose when I read about Kirsten Dunst’s “reminder teeth” — which I totally believe, by the way. She has preternatural looking caps on in all the rest of her movies, so I’ll bet THAT is what they are covering up…

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Want a Bite?

  12. It’s almost kind of like we write on the same site together. Kind of. Maybe. Or perhaps just some fantasy I’ve conjured up where we also drink a lot while you keep saying funny shit and I just sit there and nod like the dumbshit I am.

    Heather B.’s last blog post..Familia

  13. “PS. Kirsten Dunst is half robot, half monkey.


    Which half is which?

  14. I’m with Piglet~my hair dresser just wants to talk about my hair…what the hell?

    If I remember correctly, as long as you stay away from Ryan Reynolds while he’s holding a corndog and sitting in one of those massage/vibrating chairs at the mall, you’re ok. {but should anyone REALLY have to tell you that?}

    Dianna’s last blog post..*Updated* trip

  15. After reading about Ryan Reynolds and the pain he has caused furiousball, I’m not going to eat pizza ANY.MORE.

    I’ve also contacted each of the three remaining presidential nominees and they have assured me his deportation will be their number one priority come January – finally a cause we can bridge the gap with.

    Now, all that is left is to host a big telethon gala in furiousball’s honor – hope no one had plans for this Memorial Day, cause you’re all manning the phones. Healing is on the way man, healing is on the way.

  16. I just laughed so hard, tears rolled down my face. Then I sneezed and got a snot globber on my chin. While reaching for a tissue,(still laughing)I wet myself a little.

    Oh… maybe that’s from the Ambien and lack of sleep. You’re not that funny. 🙂

    I’m going to take a shower.

    Polka Dot Mommy’s last blog post..Electric Vehicles and Hydrogen Vehicles

  17. My hairdresser says that The Bloggess is the surrogate mother for Angelina and Guy Kawasaki’s baby. And then Guy Kawasaki and The Bloggess are going to adopt me, Sunshine, so that I have the coolest parents around, even way super cooler than Brad Pitt and Angie.

    Sunshine’s last blog post..My Dear John Letter…

  18. I have excellent telephone manners. Count me in on the furiousball Memorial Day telethon.

    “The phones are lighting up ladies and gentlemen. In a few minutes we will hear from Donny Osmond about his encounter with Ryan Reynolds. It’s a touching story. Remember, if the phones are busy keep trying. Our operators are eager to talk to you.”

  19. Love it. But, what, nothing about Ryan Seacrest??!!

    Also, I’m tagging you for a Stolen Meme. Love to see your responses.

  20. i am like, crying, every time i read your blog. and not from laughter. just kidding 🙂
    you are hilarious and this is my favorite blog!!

  21. I heard that Jenny’s hairdresser impregnated her with mosquitoes.

    One of my best friends in high school was CONVINCED that the truck that drives around with mosquito spray was not protecting us against mosquitoes, but actually spreading cricket eggs, and was deathly afraid of being outside any time there was a chance the mosquito spray stuff was in the air because, well, then you’d have cricket spawn on your skin.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Being Jessica Merritt

  22. Damselfly: Don’t mention the Weekly World News. Ever since it ceased print publication, my life has not been worth living. Of course, some would say it wasn’t worth living before. But they just don’t understand my relationship with the Incredible Bat Boy.

  23. i think i’ve been stalking you. i’m pretty sure i’ve been reading you for a while. did you post about garden gnomes and dentist appointments? if you did, we are TOTALLY dentist twins. i’m having a titanium screw drilled into my mouth in a few weeks. there was a thing with some sugar, blah blah blah, four days off of work in a vicodin stupor (in which i swear people were crawling on my roof)….. and i read you after that. and your husband’s all “whatever drunky”.

    that “whatever drunky” part stuck with me.

    if you’re not my dds twin… this is quite awkward. like spelling the word awkward. quite awkward indeed.

    like discovering knee bones when puberty hit.

    Yolanda’s last blog post..i had a witty title, but the cactus ate my brians

  24. Jenny, if you get sued, it won’t be by Angelina Jolie; she’s actually got a sense of humor. If I were you, though, I’d be awfully worried about receiving a summons from one (if not 5 or more) tabloids. Ever hear of industrial espionage?

  25. You need to send the anteaters to Pearland to get rid of the crazy ants.

    By the way, you’ve taught me that blogs are supposed to be funny. Not boring and depressing as mine has started. I will work on that.

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