Soup: Real Life vs. In My Head

This is how the conversation went in my head:

Waiter:  Would you like soup?

Me:  No. 

Waiter:  I must insist!  The soup is excellent!

Me:  Soup is all flavor and no substance.  I do not like soup.

Waiter: I bet you like broccoli and cheese.  I’m going to blend this broccoli and cheese until it’s mush and then add a gallon of water.  Okay?

Me:   I don’t want you to add water to my food.  I do that myself.  It’s called ‘spit’.

Waiter:  How about some potato soup?  We warm up some water and then we wave a baked potato near it for a few minutes.  You’ll love it!

Me:  No. 

Waiter:  How about some thin gruel?  It’s all the rage in Europe. 

Me:  Please leave me alone about the soup.

Waiter: We’ll plop some ice in it for you.  Make it a nice ‘summer gruel’.

Me:  Listen, the only soup I like is soup with big chunks in it and even then I only eat the chunks.  It’s only good if it’s boiled so much the water evaporates and it becomes a solid again so why don’t we just skip the middle-man and you just bring me damn solid food?

Waiter:  Ah.  I’ll bring you a bisque.

Me:  You’ll bring me your death warrant and a machete!

This is how the conversation went in real life:

Waiter:  Would you like soup?

Me:  No. 

Waiter:  It’s quite good.

Me:  *sigh*  Okay.

Comment of the day:  You don’t like soup, my brother doesn’t like pie, the desert, not the alternate word for vagina. My brother is very pro-vagina. This comment is not going as planned. ~ Michael

92 replies. read them below or add one

  1. “Hey asswipe, where’s the fucking croutons!”

    WT’s last blog post..Now that’s progressive thinking.

  2. I was never very good at telling waiters off either. I think it’s better that way, though. Why give them any more reason to spit in your food?

    Christy’s last blog post..The 10 Most Embarrassing Songs On My iPod

  3. This is so funny! 😀 Thanks for sharing. Now, I would like another round of mushroom soup…

  4. I am so many conversations like this – fantastic in my head, much less ballsy in real life. I tend to tell them the cool way though. 🙂

  5. So did the soup rock or what?

    the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..it’s my birthday too

  6. The soup was awesome. And that somehow made it so much worse.

  7. what were the chunks? *slurp*

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..a bunch of characters.

  8. Suckah!!!!

    but baked potato soup? I could swim in that all day.

    gulp.

    Danielle’s last blog post..United is an Asshat

  9. In what world is baked potato soup better than a baked potato? There is no reason to make baked potato soup unless you don’t have enough baked potato for everyone at the table. It’s like adding sawdust to the casseroles. No one should ever do it on purpose.

  10. Wow…remind me never to eat your casseroles.

    Anna’s last blog post..Little Punk

  11. Why do we do that? I do the same thing. It sucks. But thanks for the belly laugh.

    Tina’s last blog post..What do you love most in the world?

  12. Okay, so I read one part as “the only soup I like is “poop” with big chunks in it” and I was all “WTF, The Bloggess?!” and then I re-read it and I was all “Ohh…that was ‘soup’ and not ‘poop'” and it all made SO MUCH MORE SENSE. Kind of.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..It Was Like I Was In A Movie…Or Something

  13. I always come up with the good comebacks the next day. And then I just pray I can get myself in that situation again so I can use it. Not always easy to do. Or smart.

    Cara’s last blog post..Craptastic

  14. Hmmm… I’ve never eaten at a restaurant where the waiters use big words like “quite.”

    manager mom’s last blog post..To My No Longer A First Grader

  15. Who eats soup in June? It’s too freaking hot!

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..One Hundred Push Ups-Day 3

  16. We truly are legends in our own heads, aren’t we? Wonder what the waiter did to be punished by having to push soup in 90 degree weather?

    Faye’s last blog post..Boot Camp

  17. Dude, you got souprolled.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Movies, movies, movies

  18. Soooo…

    So what was this quite good and awesome soup?

    DrCason’s last blog post..Is Your Fear an Indulgence?

  19. Jenny – I just read this through twice and couldn’t figure out who Walter was. Then finally I read the comments and Christy set me straight! Too much Lebowski on the brain I guess. But seriously, I kept reading Walter: Me: Walter: Me: so on and so forth. I don’t feel super smart right now.

  20. Baked potato soup is better because you can put tons of butter and cheese in it and you don’t have to feel bad about it because hellooooo, it’s soup! It’s ALWAYS good for you. Just like 1,000 calorie taco salads.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Kim and Kevin: The Engagement

  21. Man, you really showed him, didn’t you?

    That happens to me all the time but in somewhat more awkward social situations. Like today when I kicked the daycare ladies ass in my head but in reality I just smiled and noded. Freaking pushover.

  22. there’s a fly in my….oh nevermind

    flutter’s last blog post..Sarcophagus

  23. Personally I think soup is “souper!”

    I totally just got comment of the day, didn’t I?

  24. I love soup. I could live on soup. I think maybe I am soup. Or I would be, if you added a gallon of water.

  25. oh i love soup. as long as i have a round load of french bread to eat it with. broccoli cheese, baked potato, new england clam chowdah,
    but without bread… nevah. Randall’s has good soup. Only the pure of heart can make good soup.

    “Beautiful soup, so rich and green
    Waiting in a hot tureen!
    Who for such dainties would not stoop?
    Soup of the evening, beautiful soup!
    Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish
    Game, or any other dish?
    Who would not give all else for two
    Pennyworth of beautiful soup?”
    Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

    but i don’t think any of this applies to gazpacho .

    always buddy’s last blog post..things I dislike about myself

  26. Soup is a waste of water and in this day & age we should be conserving water – why waste it making yummy foods (steak, potatoes, noodles!) wet? They do not like swimming.

  27. You totally got soup-raped.

    Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..Snort Your Way to a Thinner You…

  28. No soup for you!

    diesel’s last blog post..No (Pointing Out) Fat Chicks

  29. Just say No to soup pressure.

    Robin’s last blog post..Celebrating the big 8!

  30. you were pretty hard on that waiter. I hope you left him a nice tip.

    jennie’s last blog post..Hey good lookin’, what you got cookin’

  31. Nice contrast between what you WANTED to say and the actual conversation – I especially liked the whole “I add water to my food. It’s called spit.” I think that says it all really.
    Stupid waiter.
    Stupid soup.

  32. You must be leaving out something quite key.

    Was he totally hot? Were you sure that if you accepted the soup, he would find you irresistible?

    Was the soup free?

    Was there a hypnotic drug in your water?

    Oh wait – were you tied to the chair? Was this a scene from Die Hard 5?

    I actually really like bisque, though.

    stephanie’s last blog post..the wrath of an ocd teacher

  33. i’m so aggro and forceful and declarative in my head. but my real life? full of question marks and hesitations.

    and i always take the soup. crap.

    karey m.’s last blog post..mean girlies…

  34. I’m with Erin. The conversations in my head are the ones that make it to my blog.

    And speaking of soup, I had someone explain to me the other day what gazpacho is. Does anyone not know what gazpacho is? It went like this:

    “Here’s some gazpacho.”
    “Oh. Looks good.”
    “It’s cold tomato soup.”
    “Uh-huh.”
    “It’s cold soup made from tomatoes. It’s Italian.”
    “Right, I don’t like cold soup. Thanks though.”

    Kylie’s last blog post..Daddy, I want to go to the “new” beach

  35. This post reminds me how you take all the funniest comments from your last post and treat them like soup you hate. The waiter’s like “May I interest you in a funny comment?” and you’re all like “Oh heavens no! I’m Jenny The Bloggess. I don’t like funny comments. I’d rather have a pot roast with some mushy carrots.”

    And call me Katherine Heigl but I’d like to remove this comment from consideration for comment of the day. Fuck your little awards.

    O I know you think I’m over reacting, but you read my David Crosby post. I’m sensitive. I have all kinds of very powerful feelings that undermine all my rational functions.

    God this anger is merely a hostile plea for you to hold me while I sob and thrash about.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Dear David Crosby,

  36. Did you leave the tip in the soup?

    JCK’s last blog post..We regret we are unable to publish it…

  37. This where you and I differ, well not the soup thing – I refuse to call anything that can pass through a straw ‘dinner’, unless it is 70% proof – I would have blogged the first conversation and told my peeps that it happened.

    Just leave out the ‘in my head’ bit.

    Kelley’s last blog post..So I am sitting here drunk.

  38. My dad always claims that soup isn’t food. That and Macaroni and Cheese.

    Michelle Glauser’s last blog post..New Swimsuit Possibility

  39. How could soup be food, when it doesn’t require chewing? If soup were food, water and Coke would be, also, now wouldn’t they? Mac and cheese is some damned good food, though.

  40. If we ever go out for lunch I will PAY you to actually have the first conversation with the waiter.

    Then I will order the soup.

    markira’s last blog post..File Under: Seriously Trivial Irritant

  41. Five minutes. Just give me five minutes in your head one day, and I’ll have more fun than a week at Disney.

    For the record, I despise all things Disney, but I’m going for metaphor here.

    And I AM a soup girl.

    Don’t judge me.

    Robin’s last blog post..The Sisterhood of the Traveling Laptops

  42. Who knew The Bloggess could be so divisive! (<- rhetorical, duh.)

    I’m crushed, however, because like many of your readers I have a bit of a crush on The Bloggess, but today my illusion of our soul-matery ended, for I am firmly pro-soup.

    (Not cold soup, though. That’s disgusting.)

    Velma’s last blog post..Homes Throughout The Years (#1)

  43. Ok, first, I cannot believe this is the forty-second fucking comment you will be getting on a post about soup. Damn you and your funniness, woman.

    Second, I love soup. Love it. People like you (and there are many of you out there) with your dislike of soup? You make people like me feel like freaks. Soup is so much more than slightly pre-digested-for-you food! Is so good and tasty.

    Just pretend you are a baby bird and the waiter is your bird-mom, cheerfully coughing up a worm for you. I’m sure that will warm you to eating it. Especially if you order something with sausage bits.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..That’s Not Part of My “Unconditional Love” Contract

  44. I just had a major Sesame Street flashback of Grover as the waiter serving the yelling guy some soup.

    Kimberly’s last blog post..While They Were Gone

  45. One bite of my baked potato soup and you’ll be a soup converter. Trust me.

    Nikki’s last blog post..The point of the bullet

  46. kimberly stole my comment.

    the planet of janet’s last blog post..I’m not sure I should post this stuff … oh, ok, you talked me into it!

  47. I love you people. Even the soup lovers. I woke up this morning intent on deleting this post.

    Me this morning: Did I really publish a post about soup last night? WTF, me? You’re not allowed to post when you run out of medication.

    You guys: Soup, eh? She must have run out of her medication.

    Me: I should publish an awesome post to make up for this one.

    You guys: Maybe pictures of your boobs?

    Me: Don’t push it.

  48. In my rendition, he had a snooty French accent. Please tell me that was true in real life.

    Noelle’s last blog post..Default, the two sweetest words in the English Language

  49. WTF is up with cold soup anyway? I think it’s ridiculous. But broccoli/cheese or chicken enchilada or tortilla or a couple of others that I’m forgetting soup? Yummo!

    JessicaC’s last blog post..Sleeping with Sock Monkeys…I’m Cheap!

  50. i just opened my yogurt and it looked gross

    furiousball’s last blog post..take this day by the throat

  51. I like soup. But only during the winter. It’s too damn hot for soup now. Give me a good salad instead dammit!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Cereal

  52. 52
    Just A. Reader

    Jenny, Jenny, Jenny … you must never delete a post. It’s the stuff you write when you run out of medication that proves how desperately your faithful readers need their own medication.

    And of course you should post pictures of your boobs.

    And isn’t cold tomato soup called “tomato juice”? And isn’t tomato juice really disgusting without some vodka and a splash of Tobasco?

  53. 53
    Just A. Reader

    And did I really misspell Tabasco? And will you ever forgive me?

  54. I have this conversation with people all the time. Of course it usually regards something other than soup, like vegetables. I support your decision to dislike soup, the way you describe it, I hate soup too.

    mike’s last blog post..What’s something I find ironic?

  55. I’m always disappointed in chicken tortilla soup when I order it out – because MY chicken tortilla soup is thick and full of veggies – not just tomato / chicken broth with a few chunks and some chips in it.

    … glad the soup was good … salt to the wound … I mean soup? 😉

  56. Well at least with all the perscription drugs in the water that the soup is comprised of you won’t make the same mistake I did and read about some guy named Walter trying to convince you to eat watered down poop. That is just all kinds of sick and wrong.

    MommasTantrum’s last blog post..Brutally Honest Monday

  57. I love the soup. All the soup. Except for that disgusting tomato soup in a can. AND I love that I am loved by The Bloggess, DESPITE my love of the soup. Which makes me love the soup — AND the Bloggess — even more…

    Ellie’s last blog post..The Oscars

  58. WOW! I LOVE SOUP! Especially Progresso chunky soup. OK, I’ll stop. I understand. You don’t like soup.

    This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I say one thing but then I’m thinking something entirely different. And I always say, “I should have said…” Sigh!

    shoegirl’s last blog post..You’ve Got Mail

  59. You and I are soup soul sisters. I feel the exacty same way.

    Lori’s last blog post..Happy Freakin Monday

  60. Thank you for causing me to spit water all over my monitor. You owe me $200 for the monitor and $5000 in pain and suffering. I’ll take those in one’s, you know, for the strip club.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Addictive Food, Cool People and Beavers

  61. I just want to know when liquid crosses the line and becomes a food. Like if you stuff your hot chocolate full of marshmallows, is that dinner?

    Jessica’s last blog post..Houston Lebowski Bash: The Afterparty

  62. I like a nice bisque, myself.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..On The Night Shift

  63. You don’t like soup, my brother doesn’t like pie, the desert, not the alternate word for vagina. My brother is very pro=-vagina. This comment is not going as planned.

    mike’s last blog post..How about…

  64. Soup good. Post funny.

    Jen Maselli’s last blog post..I’m Freakin’ Out, Man

  65. Soup in Houston at the end of June? That’s wrong. On many many many levels.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..Date Night & Other Myths of Parenthood

  66. I agree — broth is overrated. someone should just sell chunks in a bowl.

    that girl’s last blog post..Sneak Peek…

  67. What do you mean you almost deleted this post?!?! This was some funny shit right here!

    Whenever I get soup, I regret it. I always get soup at Panera. Why??

    Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..The way things are

  68. Um, I could go for some soup.

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..Cookie Battles? I’ll stick with my Oreos.

  69. But was the waiter cute?

    Damselfly’s last blog post..Turning lemons into a new bathroom … or something like that

  70. I’m funny about soup and won’t eat it unless I can correctly identify every single item floating about. As you can imagine, I can’t even think about eating gumbo what with all the entrails and assholes that any given recipe usually calls for. Okra = GLARGH.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Doubting My Commitment to Sparkle Motion

  71. omg. We share a brain.

    ali’s last blog post..I have nothing interesting to say.

  72. You are so super cute! Me? I don’t like soup much. Not unless it is homemade by my mommy that is. That isn’t real soup, it is a meal.

    Don’t delete ANY of your posts! I am actually working on a post just about you….sort of…. it is about bloggers I admire and even though I am not naming names, one is you. You use that inside voice and no not the one you use indoors. Stay tuned it should be finished by the weekend.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..The big birthday week

  73. I actually had one of those in-my-head conversations out loud once. It didn’t go well and now I’m ostracised from the PTA.

  74. …Erm. Ostracised BY the PTA.

  75. Dude, I love soup. You should thank that waiter. I bet it was good. I could really use some good soup.

    Sus’s last blog post..The Stuff of Memories

  76. God, I always crack up here. I’ll be back for the boobs.

    anymommy’s last blog post..My baby is covered in urine, but I’m not a Freaker-Outer

  77. your brain translator works like mine!

    piglet’s last blog post..it’s JUNE 24TH, 2008

  78. I was totally ready to call you out on that…Now I want some soup.

    StartsWithanX’s last blog post..The Ultimate Summertime Betrayal

  79. Now it’s after midnight and I want soup.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..i might be insane

  80. Maybe there’s a soup bounty for the waiter. Payment per bowl sold.

    Lady M’s last blog post..Please Tell Me These Are Not Gangsta Handsigns

  81. I’m confused… shouldn’t it have been that you had the *second* conversation in your head, and hte *first* one out loud? That’s how it always happens when we have lunch.

    Or… is that all happening in my head? Never mind…

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Hell’s Kitchen: Three become two

  82. 82
    Just A. Reader

    It appears that you have just done more for soup sales than the entire cast of Seinfeld ever did.

  83. I totally get the soup issue. Do I want a drink in a bowl? No, I want a friggin’ meal. A meal has substance. I will drink some water or something if I want a beverage. And I don’t really want a beverage with pathetic smidgens of vegetables and/or meat in it.

    Emma’s last blog post..Thrilling topic of the day: washing dishes

  84. That is so funny! Hmmm I wonder what ads would pop up on my site when I talk abut Lizzard the terrorist and Squirrels??

    KD (A Bit Squirrelly)’s last blog post..Seriously the SMOKIN’-EST Hiker EVAH (SFMTY)

  85. Know-it-all waiters haunt my dreams. And not in the Patrick Swayze way.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Why I haven’t been blogging…

  86. Hey. I totally don’t remember my flickr account information so I’ll just note the fact that you such a great photographer right here.

    esthela’s last blog post..Twitter Updates for 2008-06-27

  87. Was it ironic? or iconic? or polyphonic? i dunno…but it was great!

    ~Laura/aka lauralovesart

    Laura Iriarte’s last blog post..GeekGirl Dinner

  88. I freaking hate soup. I don’t want my food to be liquid. That’s a drink. And who the fuck wants to drink chicken broth or creamed cauliflower?

    Rachael’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: 5 Years Ago (7/12/03)

  89. Since I found http://www.waiterrant.com I realised its never a good idea to hassle waiters. They have feelings too

  90. This story reminded my of the “Soup Nazi” from TV’s Seinfield. Visit my blog for banquet managers at: So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager

    banquet manager’s last blog post..I’m Ranked #4 in Google and #1 in Yahoo !!!

  91. That was a weird conversation, I think.
    Visit: So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager

    banquet manager’s last blog post..Italian Cookies…

  92. 92
    Lady Penelope

    The only liquid lunch I want is a martini ~

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