Soup: Real Life vs. In My Head

This is how the conversation went in my head:

Waiter:  Would you like soup?

Me:  No. 

Waiter:  I must insist!  The soup is excellent!

Me:  Soup is all flavor and no substance.  I do not like soup.

Waiter: I bet you like broccoli and cheese.  I’m going to blend this broccoli and cheese until it’s mush and then add a gallon of water.  Okay?

Me:   I don’t want you to add water to my food.  I do that myself.  It’s called ‘spit’.

Waiter:  How about some potato soup?  We warm up some water and then we wave a baked potato near it for a few minutes.  You’ll love it!

Me:  No. 

Waiter:  How about some thin gruel?  It’s all the rage in Europe. 

Me:  Please leave me alone about the soup.

Waiter: We’ll plop some ice in it for you.  Make it a nice ‘summer gruel’.

Me:  Listen, the only soup I like is soup with big chunks in it and even then I only eat the chunks.  It’s only good if it’s boiled so much the water evaporates and it becomes a solid again so why don’t we just skip the middle-man and you just bring me damn solid food?

Waiter:  Ah.  I’ll bring you a bisque.

Me:  You’ll bring me your death warrant and a machete!

This is how the conversation went in real life:

Waiter:  Would you like soup?

Me:  No. 

Waiter:  It’s quite good.

Me:  *sigh*  Okay.

Comment of the day:  You don’t like soup, my brother doesn’t like pie, the desert, not the alternate word for vagina. My brother is very pro-vagina. This comment is not going as planned. ~ Michael

92 thoughts on “Soup: Real Life vs. In My Head

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This is so funny! 😀 Thanks for sharing. Now, I would like another round of mushroom soup…

  2. I am so many conversations like this – fantastic in my head, much less ballsy in real life. I tend to tell them the cool way though. 🙂

  3. In what world is baked potato soup better than a baked potato? There is no reason to make baked potato soup unless you don’t have enough baked potato for everyone at the table. It’s like adding sawdust to the casseroles. No one should ever do it on purpose.

  4. Okay, so I read one part as “the only soup I like is “poop” with big chunks in it” and I was all “WTF, The Bloggess?!” and then I re-read it and I was all “Ohh…that was ‘soup’ and not ‘poop'” and it all made SO MUCH MORE SENSE. Kind of.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..It Was Like I Was In A Movie…Or Something

  5. I always come up with the good comebacks the next day. And then I just pray I can get myself in that situation again so I can use it. Not always easy to do. Or smart.

    Cara’s last blog post..Craptastic

  6. We truly are legends in our own heads, aren’t we? Wonder what the waiter did to be punished by having to push soup in 90 degree weather?

    Faye’s last blog post..Boot Camp

  7. Jenny – I just read this through twice and couldn’t figure out who Walter was. Then finally I read the comments and Christy set me straight! Too much Lebowski on the brain I guess. But seriously, I kept reading Walter: Me: Walter: Me: so on and so forth. I don’t feel super smart right now.

  8. Baked potato soup is better because you can put tons of butter and cheese in it and you don’t have to feel bad about it because hellooooo, it’s soup! It’s ALWAYS good for you. Just like 1,000 calorie taco salads.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Kim and Kevin: The Engagement

  9. Man, you really showed him, didn’t you?

    That happens to me all the time but in somewhat more awkward social situations. Like today when I kicked the daycare ladies ass in my head but in reality I just smiled and noded. Freaking pushover.

  10. oh i love soup. as long as i have a round load of french bread to eat it with. broccoli cheese, baked potato, new england clam chowdah,
    but without bread… nevah. Randall’s has good soup. Only the pure of heart can make good soup.

    “Beautiful soup, so rich and green
    Waiting in a hot tureen!
    Who for such dainties would not stoop?
    Soup of the evening, beautiful soup!
    Beautiful soup! Who cares for fish
    Game, or any other dish?
    Who would not give all else for two
    Pennyworth of beautiful soup?”
    Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

    but i don’t think any of this applies to gazpacho .

    always buddy’s last blog post..things I dislike about myself

  11. Soup is a waste of water and in this day & age we should be conserving water – why waste it making yummy foods (steak, potatoes, noodles!) wet? They do not like swimming.

  12. Nice contrast between what you WANTED to say and the actual conversation – I especially liked the whole “I add water to my food. It’s called spit.” I think that says it all really.
    Stupid waiter.
    Stupid soup.

  13. You must be leaving out something quite key.

    Was he totally hot? Were you sure that if you accepted the soup, he would find you irresistible?

    Was the soup free?

    Was there a hypnotic drug in your water?

    Oh wait – were you tied to the chair? Was this a scene from Die Hard 5?

    I actually really like bisque, though.

    stephanie’s last blog post..the wrath of an ocd teacher

  14. i’m so aggro and forceful and declarative in my head. but my real life? full of question marks and hesitations.

    and i always take the soup. crap.

    karey m.’s last blog post..mean girlies…

  15. I’m with Erin. The conversations in my head are the ones that make it to my blog.

    And speaking of soup, I had someone explain to me the other day what gazpacho is. Does anyone not know what gazpacho is? It went like this:

    “Here’s some gazpacho.”
    “Oh. Looks good.”
    “It’s cold tomato soup.”
    “It’s cold soup made from tomatoes. It’s Italian.”
    “Right, I don’t like cold soup. Thanks though.”

    Kylie’s last blog post..Daddy, I want to go to the “new” beach

  16. This post reminds me how you take all the funniest comments from your last post and treat them like soup you hate. The waiter’s like “May I interest you in a funny comment?” and you’re all like “Oh heavens no! I’m Jenny The Bloggess. I don’t like funny comments. I’d rather have a pot roast with some mushy carrots.”

    And call me Katherine Heigl but I’d like to remove this comment from consideration for comment of the day. Fuck your little awards.

    O I know you think I’m over reacting, but you read my David Crosby post. I’m sensitive. I have all kinds of very powerful feelings that undermine all my rational functions.

    God this anger is merely a hostile plea for you to hold me while I sob and thrash about.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..Dear David Crosby,

  17. This where you and I differ, well not the soup thing – I refuse to call anything that can pass through a straw ‘dinner’, unless it is 70% proof – I would have blogged the first conversation and told my peeps that it happened.

    Just leave out the ‘in my head’ bit.

    Kelley’s last blog post..So I am sitting here drunk.

  18. How could soup be food, when it doesn’t require chewing? If soup were food, water and Coke would be, also, now wouldn’t they? Mac and cheese is some damned good food, though.

  19. Five minutes. Just give me five minutes in your head one day, and I’ll have more fun than a week at Disney.

    For the record, I despise all things Disney, but I’m going for metaphor here.

    And I AM a soup girl.

    Don’t judge me.

    Robin’s last blog post..The Sisterhood of the Traveling Laptops

  20. Who knew The Bloggess could be so divisive! (<- rhetorical, duh.)

    I’m crushed, however, because like many of your readers I have a bit of a crush on The Bloggess, but today my illusion of our soul-matery ended, for I am firmly pro-soup.

    (Not cold soup, though. That’s disgusting.)

    Velma’s last blog post..Homes Throughout The Years (#1)

  21. Ok, first, I cannot believe this is the forty-second fucking comment you will be getting on a post about soup. Damn you and your funniness, woman.

    Second, I love soup. Love it. People like you (and there are many of you out there) with your dislike of soup? You make people like me feel like freaks. Soup is so much more than slightly pre-digested-for-you food! Is so good and tasty.

    Just pretend you are a baby bird and the waiter is your bird-mom, cheerfully coughing up a worm for you. I’m sure that will warm you to eating it. Especially if you order something with sausage bits.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..That’s Not Part of My “Unconditional Love” Contract

  22. I love you people. Even the soup lovers. I woke up this morning intent on deleting this post.

    Me this morning: Did I really publish a post about soup last night? WTF, me? You’re not allowed to post when you run out of medication.

    You guys: Soup, eh? She must have run out of her medication.

    Me: I should publish an awesome post to make up for this one.

    You guys: Maybe pictures of your boobs?

    Me: Don’t push it.

  23. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny … you must never delete a post. It’s the stuff you write when you run out of medication that proves how desperately your faithful readers need their own medication.

    And of course you should post pictures of your boobs.

    And isn’t cold tomato soup called “tomato juice”? And isn’t tomato juice really disgusting without some vodka and a splash of Tobasco?

  24. And did I really misspell Tabasco? And will you ever forgive me?

  25. I have this conversation with people all the time. Of course it usually regards something other than soup, like vegetables. I support your decision to dislike soup, the way you describe it, I hate soup too.

    mike’s last blog post..What’s something I find ironic?

  26. I’m always disappointed in chicken tortilla soup when I order it out – because MY chicken tortilla soup is thick and full of veggies – not just tomato / chicken broth with a few chunks and some chips in it.

    … glad the soup was good … salt to the wound … I mean soup? 😉

  27. Well at least with all the perscription drugs in the water that the soup is comprised of you won’t make the same mistake I did and read about some guy named Walter trying to convince you to eat watered down poop. That is just all kinds of sick and wrong.

    MommasTantrum’s last blog post..Brutally Honest Monday

  28. I love the soup. All the soup. Except for that disgusting tomato soup in a can. AND I love that I am loved by The Bloggess, DESPITE my love of the soup. Which makes me love the soup — AND the Bloggess — even more…

    Ellie’s last blog post..The Oscars

  29. WOW! I LOVE SOUP! Especially Progresso chunky soup. OK, I’ll stop. I understand. You don’t like soup.

    This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I say one thing but then I’m thinking something entirely different. And I always say, “I should have said…” Sigh!

    shoegirl’s last blog post..You’ve Got Mail

  30. You don’t like soup, my brother doesn’t like pie, the desert, not the alternate word for vagina. My brother is very pro=-vagina. This comment is not going as planned.

    mike’s last blog post..How about…

  31. I’m funny about soup and won’t eat it unless I can correctly identify every single item floating about. As you can imagine, I can’t even think about eating gumbo what with all the entrails and assholes that any given recipe usually calls for. Okra = GLARGH.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Doubting My Commitment to Sparkle Motion

  32. You are so super cute! Me? I don’t like soup much. Not unless it is homemade by my mommy that is. That isn’t real soup, it is a meal.

    Don’t delete ANY of your posts! I am actually working on a post just about you….sort of…. it is about bloggers I admire and even though I am not naming names, one is you. You use that inside voice and no not the one you use indoors. Stay tuned it should be finished by the weekend.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..The big birthday week

  33. I actually had one of those in-my-head conversations out loud once. It didn’t go well and now I’m ostracised from the PTA.

  34. I’m confused… shouldn’t it have been that you had the *second* conversation in your head, and hte *first* one out loud? That’s how it always happens when we have lunch.

    Or… is that all happening in my head? Never mind…


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Hell’s Kitchen: Three become two

  35. It appears that you have just done more for soup sales than the entire cast of Seinfeld ever did.

  36. I totally get the soup issue. Do I want a drink in a bowl? No, I want a friggin’ meal. A meal has substance. I will drink some water or something if I want a beverage. And I don’t really want a beverage with pathetic smidgens of vegetables and/or meat in it.

    Emma’s last blog post..Thrilling topic of the day: washing dishes

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