I call him “Sneeve” for short

So just to follow up from my last post, Steve from the Sneeze did not send me any of his blood or drugs.  Frankly, I was a little disillusioned and drunk (on pain and abandonment) and I may have written some ill-advised tweets asking where I could find a vial of rabies and also hamsters strong enough to survive being mailed across state lines after being injected with rabies, and then I sent another tweet to Steve asking for his address to which he totally didn’t respond at all.  But regardless, Steve was still my blogging idol and so the next day I sent him another email when I was drunk (on juice and amaretto) which is pretty much evident because it honestly makes no fucking sense at all:

Dear Steve, I have not received any of your blood blood.  At this point I’d be willing to settle for just one. 

That’s the kind of friend I am…accommodating.  Love, Jenny

And he actually wrote me back and told me he was sorry he didn’t get back to me sooner but was “off his email game” and he actually gave me his address.  Then I felt really, really bad because he didn’t even make fun of my totally incoherent email and he was so damn nice that had to email him again and make things right:

Dear Steve, I totally understand.  After going through all the trouble to look up the proper spelling of the word “accommodating” I somehow managed to totally fuck up the whole first sentence which was supposed to say “I have not received any of your blood or pot” and not “I have not received any of your blood blood”.  I don’t even know what “blood blood” is but it sounds extra bloody and kinda gross.  I’m going back and fixing it now though so that I can convince myself that it’s always said “blood and pot” which is way less creepy than “blood blood”.  Also, several people pointed out that it was very presumptuous of me to demand blood without sending mine first so I’ll be sending you some blood.  I’m anemic though so it’ll probably be dog blood.

Please send me a dog.  Wrapped in pot.

Love,
Jenny

PS.  You are awesome and thank you for not calling the police.

PPS.  I had a lot of people offer to send me vials of their blood after my last post so if you would rather have human blood just let me know and I’ll ask them to forward it to you instead.  I’m not really sure though how you would even tell the difference between dog blood and people blood but if you specifically need the blood to be human please let me know.  Also, please let me know why you need to have human blood.  Because that’s kind of weird.

I haven’t heard back from him yet but I’m pretty sure we’re going to be best friends forever and that he’s going to come live with us especially since I looked up the address he sent me and it said it was a gas station so I think he may be homeless.  Also I’m going to get a tattoo of his face on my abs except that I’m not sure what he looks like in real life so I’m gonna just use a picture of Will Ferrell and then if I ever run into Will Ferrell in the airport I can be all “I HAVE YOUR FACE TATTOOED ON MY TUMMY!” and he’ll be like “But why does it say ‘Steve’ under it?” and I’ll tell him that it means “Awesome” in Venezuelan and then he’ll be all “Wait, did you just say ‘tummy?  What’re you, five?” and then I’ll be like “Huh.  I guess ‘Steve’ is also Venezuelan for ‘asshole‘.  It’s like “aloha”.  It means many things.”  Then I will slap the shit out of Will Ferrell and Steve will be all “High five, bitch!  You just slapped Will Ferrell!” and then we’ll laaaugh and laugh.

It’s gonna be pretty much the best friendship since The Fox and The Hound except in the end we won’t kill each other, which is I think how that movie ends because why else does it close with their ghostly, disembodied voices saying they’ll be friends forever?  It’s because they’re dead, that’s why.

PS.  Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen Fox and the Hound.

PPS.  I just saw that they came out with a Fox and the Hound, part two.  How the fuck did they do that?!

Comment of the day: Speaking of Steve being Venezuelan for ‘awesome,” my 5 year old nephew was told by a big kid on the bus that penis was Spanish for Mommy. He walked in the door, threw his backpack and declared, “I’m home, PENIS.” The same kid also told my nephew ‘the bird’ was sign language for “I love you.” ~ Angie

112 thoughts on “I call him “Sneeve” for short

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What about sending a hamster with pot in it’s cheeks? Seriously, they can get a lot of stuff in there. I had a hamster that freaked out while I was cleaning her cage and stuffed all 8 of her babies in there. I had to push them out because I was afraid they would suffocate.

  2. You’re kind of my blog hero for becoming besties with Steve (Steve Don’t Eat It may be the funniest sickest thing I’ve ever encountered myself–why won’t he bring that back?? Oooh, maybe THAT’s why he needs human blood?).

    Ginger’s last blog post..Password please

  3. Nice callback of Steve’s recent misplaced “Spoiler Alert”. Even if it wasn’t intentional, you are still a master.

    I have faith that Steve finds this as funny as it’s meant, and isn’t actually arranging to join the Witness Protection Program.

    That would be an odd step for a relatively anonymous blogger, now that I think about it.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Corporate intelligence, Vol. 4

  4. And then I read this and say to myself “Why bother blogging? You are not nearly as witty as The Bloggess, nor as accommodating. And the thought of rambling from dog blood to a Will Ferrell smack down over a tattoo would never occur to you. Quit now, you slacking loser…”

    Thanks. Thanks a LOT.

    tracey’s last blog post..It’s not lying, it’s Resourceful Parenting.

  5. I hated “The Fox and the Hound”. It was packed in the theater when I saw it and all these teenagers were there and throwing popcorn at me and I was scared and I started to cry and they were all “What’s the matter kid? Never seen foxes fuck before?” which is not a fair question because I bet they had never seen it either. The End.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Nero is Tuning His Fiddle.

  6. It disappoints me that Steve responded so rationally to your emails. That kind of crazy deserves some crazy back. Also, since you are pretty much top of the heap, blogger wise, I love that you have an idol.

    Cara’s last blog post..Get Along Little Doggie

  7. This is the most polite letter asking for blood or pot I’ve ever seen. I’ve actually seen one before, but it was only asking for pot and it wasn’t nearly as well thought out. It was also hanging outside a public bathroom and it wasn’t signed. How was I ever going to get this person their pot? See? NOT WELL THOUGHT OUT.

    jenboglass (steenkybee)’s last blog post..Yeah, We Were THAT Bored.

  8. You’ve got his address? Now you have to send him a package. It’s expected. Maybe he’d like some Lego cross-dressers.

    Oh, and “The Fox and The Hound II” was OK but, in my opinion, it’s not nearly as good as “The Fox and the Hound III: Revenge of the Killer Zombie Ferrets”.

    Steve (not that one, though)’s last blog post..More Bot Chats

  9. Blood blood makes perfect sense if you use a comma and are speaking as if you were a gangsta from the ‘hood…

    “Dear Steve, I have not received any of your blood, Blood” works just fine that way.

    Of course it sounds better if you start it
    “Yo whutup Steve? I ain’t got any of your blood, Blood!”

    I’m just sayin… 😉

    GeekMommy’s last blog post..Come Back Tuesday…

  10. do you have any idea how fucking hard i am laughing? DO YOU?!? blood blood? LOL.. i just read this post to my co-worker and he is busting up. i meant to comment on your other post about this, but i don’t think it worked and well.. who knows, but this one is funnier. i want a dog too. but not wrapped in pot. or if it is wrapped in pot, i’ll send the pot to you and keep the dog. well, only if it’s a puppy. cause if it’s already full grown and out of the puppy stage where it pees on everything and chews all my new furniture to bits, well what fun will that be, right?
    i’m straying. so yeah.
    blood blood. funny.

    jennster’s last blog post..the titanic notebook

  11. Amaretto and juice? I need to make you some proper cocktails. Why do they call them cocktails? That’s weird. Seriously, the more i think about it the weirder it gets. Ya know, instead I’ll just send you a bottle of tequila and blood wrapped in pot. Do you want fries with that?

  12. Hi, longtime stalker reader, first-time commenter.

    I’ve been sitting here, giggling quietly, as to not disturb Hubs and Thing 1 during their “Goosebumps” marathon.

    Then I got to the part about Will Farrell. O.M.G. I want to be your friend. I will send blood, if that’s what you need. (And, mine has too much iron – see, we’re meant to be!)

    Mary Anna’s last blog post..Fall Boys

  13. I think I might start calling you Bloggny for short. Even though, technically, it’s not in the right order. But it’s reminiscent of “baloney” which seems somehow appropriate. (Or is it “accommodating?”)

    Though I should clarify that “baloney” is in NO way intended as commentary on this blog unless “baloney” means LESLEY’S FAVORITE BLOG OUT OF ALL THE BLOGS ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET EVER and in case no one has checked lately, there are a LOT of blogs.

    Lesley’s last blog post..This Post Has Carcinoma, Delicious Doom and The Butt Of A Bantha

  14. When I grew up I thought that Sam Elliot played the hound owner. I thought that for a long time until I realized… The Fox and The Hound was ANIMATED and Sam Elliot is a REAL PERSON. A real SEX-AY person. Seriously he’s hot. Where’s my dvd of Roadhouse?

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..The Hull Scrape Method

  15. Speaking of Steve being Venezuelan for ‘awesome,” my 5 year old nephew was told by a big kid on the bus that penis was Spanish for Mommy. He believed the big kid and walked in the door, threw his backpack and declared, “I’m home, PENIS.” The same kid also told my nephew ‘the bird’ was sign language for “I love you.”

    Actually, I don’t know what has to do with Venezuelan or Steve or Will or tattoos.

    KEEP BELIEVING

    Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING’s last blog post..It is just life.

  16. This was funny at first. It did not get creepy until you and a tattoo named Steve were laughing hysterically together…
    … additionally, how would you high five Steve? Slap your self in the stomach?

    Please, advise.
    Thank you.

  17. This was funny at first. It did not get creepy until you and a tattoo named Steve were laughing hysterically together…
    … additionally, how would you high five Steve? Slap your self in the stomach?

    Please, advise.
    Thank you.

    Jeremy’s last blog post..Uncertainty and consequences…

  18. Damn! I got an error message the first time…feel free to delete one of the previous comments. As well as this one.

    Or all of them for that matter…I mean it IS your blog…lol

  19. Can I just tell you that I usually don’t comment here because you people intimidate me but I am giggling like mad at these comments and not just because of all the wine.

    I love you people.

  20. Oh Jenny… I am laughing so hard the dog is looking for a way out of the room. You are awesome and just cured me of all of my non-existent mental illnesses. I will gladly send you some blood… and when I say blood, I mean a tube of Mary Kay lipstick. It’s almost the same thing… almost…

  21. LOL! That’s been my favorite movie since I was Hailey’s age and I never thought that the “Disembodied voices” indicated the characters were dead. It thought it was their youthful voices and declarations still echoing through the forest. Because it IS their childhood voices, and not their adult ones there at the end. You know, friendship that stood the test of time and if you’re really quiet in the forest then you can still hear the happiness of best friends from days long gone.

    Shades’s last blog post..Family Funnies

  22. yeah.. blood blood does sound a little extra… bloody. hm.

    i’ll just pretend to not be totally jealous of Sneeve getting email.. and possibly blood.. from you. no really.. i’m not crying, i just have something in my eye..

    and i’d totally tattoo your face on my tummy, but i don’t think you’d appreciate that because you’d surely look way older than you really do, due to how wrinkly and stretched out my tummy skin is from having 5 babies.. yeah. i don’t even know how they’d do a tattoo like that.. that would be a sight to see.. hm.

    maybe i should get my grandma’s face tattooed on my tummy instead.. it would look totally life-like. like do one of her younger.. then stretch it out and say ‘here she is young..’ and then let go and say ‘and now old..’

    ok.. i’ll shut up now.

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..10 Things

  23. All I can really say to this is thank you, I needed to read that tonight. Will Ferrell does need to be slapped, too, so I love the tattoo thing.

    Brandi’s last blog post..Packrat

  24. I freakin’ love you.

    Honestly.

    I had never heard of The Sneeze until all of this. My husband LOVESSSSSS IT NOW! I have to check daily for him to see if he’s updated. (Much like I check for yours..heh)

    I can’t wait for his reply.
    I wish he’d do another Steve, Don’t eat it!

    Sigh.

  25. Is it the comma thing? Because I have a moratorium on using commas correctly. But if I spelled something wrong please tell me. Wait, did I spell “moratorium” wrong? Fuck. Now everything looks suspect.

  26. I wish I had something better to say than “You always make me laugh, THANKS!”
    But I said it anyway. I wish I was funny like you, then more people would read my blog and be willing to send me their blood wrapped in pot.

    Anjie’s last blog post..I’m an indecisive person too.

  27. SO, my cousin-in-law runs a legal hydroponic pot farm out in CA. He gets all the hotties: cancer patients, glaucoma, whateva’. But I keep hitting him up because you know, my kid has the cancer and if that ain’t a ticket to get high and eat a bag of doritos with a big gulp, I don’t know what is. I even promise to shotgun some of the smoke into her face. Cause I? Am a good parent like that.

    Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I liked the Fox and Hound, racist undertones and all.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Field trip Friday

  28. Wow. I must be off of my ‘Bloggess’ game because I had to read that twice to get it.

    We miss you in these parts. You know, the interwebs parts. Not the sasquatch parts, because that would be scary.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Your Turn

  29. Wait, I missed you killing Amy Sedaris? How’d I miss that?

    And The Fox and The Hound DID NOT DIE. Shade’s right and they lived happily ever after. Just because Meredith does the voice-over at the end of Grey’s Anatomy does it mean she died? No, it does not. Unfortunately.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..Look Out, Giving Tree

  30. I thought it was bad that people were finding my blog by searching “when I have my period I like it in the ass.” But Jesus! I can only imagine the things people search for on Google only to happen upon your blog…

  31. for some reason i always thought copper turned on the owner guy and tore his throat out and then him and todd rolled in his guts or something? you know, like dogs like to do in horse shit or dead skunks or other smelly stuff (that old man looked smelly)?

    anyways, if you get that tattoo on your tummy and get his mouth where your belly button is, it’d look like he’s whistling. which would be hardkore. get one of those big hats and you could be in parades, with will ferrell whistling “danny boy” or something.

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..Why Bother?

  32. I am pretty sure I am going to get a tattoo tomorrow. I have several designs I want eventually. Steve or Will Ferrell’s face is not one of them but maybe ” Blood Blood and Pot” Or “Weed, Whites and Wine”
    I’m leaning towards “Heckle and Jeckle.” and the name “Stan.”
    we will see. Hell, I have LOTS of room to cover.

    always, buddy’s last blog post..Warwick Avenue

  33. I just found your blog and the timing couldn’t have been better! This week has SUCKED and I needed a laugh or two–or a hundred. Friday finds the family leaving for a football game when the 3 yr old cat’s heart blows out leaving him paralyzed and needs to be put down–immediately. Buzz kill on the football game. Monday comes and we find Dad is going to lose his job in, say, 60 days–so gosh, that brings us to the week before Christmas. Great fun standing in line at unemployment the morning after Christmas while everyone else is enjoying their presents.

    Thanks for the laughs!!!! You can see, they are sorely needed at my place.

  34. Oh, I so needed this laugh this morning. So thank you. Also, with my stunning lack of sleep over the past week, this may have been the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Especially the Will Farrel part, because somehow I can see that happening. You’re both hilarious that way.

    Jessie’s last blog post..Gabbie at 4 Months

  35. HOLY CRAPSTICKS! Just when I don’t think it’s possible for you to be any more hilarious/psychotic (hilariotic?), along come this post.

    Yes, my co-workers are now giving me the stink-eye for having too much fun at work. Sorry, my fellow minions, but I shall now be smiling the rest of the day.

    Jenny, you are my favorite person-I-don’t-actually-know!!!

  36. Well, it’s good you’ll be friends, because you definitely don’t want him saying at his next conference that some weird blogger lady asked him for his blood and pot and then you’d have to stand up and be all “that was me, I was the one who asked for your blood.” And then he’d have to give you a really mean look and pretend that he didn’t understand humor.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Snotwatch 2008

  37. Fox and Hound II is a complete cash in but my little girl loved it to the point where we were ready to hide it from her to escape the country music soundtrack.

  38. I’m fairly new to your blog and all I can say is “oh.my.gosh. look what I’ve been MISSING!” this rocks – you are hilarious!

    By the way – F&H is the hubs’ favorite Disney movie, so while pondering what to call the baby in mah belly we settled on Copper (the hubs knows the gender and I don’t) and it works even more as hubs is a cop himself…

    anyway – thanks for the laugh… ***wondering if I can read this blog on laptop while in labor… will have to see…***

  39. Okay, this is yet another of your posts that made me laugh so hard I cried. The one where you apologize to your husband for pulling out all the drawers in the kitchen trying to figure out how they go back in – which I have reread multiple times – induces the laughter-tears every time. Just thinking about it brings on another hysterical giggle fit. Girl, how do you do it?!?

    I would tell you to quit it but, since I hit menopause, I have chronic dry eyes. So by reading your blog I can reduce my dependence on eye drops – a medical miracle! For which you should receive the Nobel Prize for Medicine. Along with the Nobel Prize for Science for discovering the mini-Sasquatch. Rock on.

  40. Pass the blood blood to the left hand side

    (cuz there’s proper etiquette for such things, you know)

  41. Steve from the Desert!

    (see that? How I was paying attention and used Steve like “hola” or whatever Spanish for ‘sup is?!)

    I have three or four or maybe like six zombie hamsters if you want them. It might take me a few days to dig them up, but anything for a fellow blogslur.

    miss thystle’s last blog post..Or some wicked awesome shag carpets

  42. Dudette, I’m totally weeping from laughter here at my desk. Yeah, that’s right, Blogess gonna get me fired!

    Stop with the hilarious already! Think serious thoughts… OK, better, boss may come by at any time…

    david’s last blog post..Shows and Festivals This Week

  43. Hm, so when you’re supposed to be writing a book you send strange potentially threatening emails to people you don’t know.

    What do you do when you’re not writing a book?

    Why have I never gotten a strange potentially threatening email?

    Kylie’s last blog post..You Belong Here

  44. ok… ‘sasquatch parts’ sounds WAY creepier than ‘blood blood’…

    and, that girl? i think Will probably has pot to SHARE. (not spare, share. he seems like the generous type..)

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..10 Things

  45. I’m probably one of the many after this awesomest of awesome posts asking if I can be YOUR friend. I don’t know who Sneeve is but he’s missing a golden opportunity to be your friend if he’s scared off by this Funny. Ass. Post.

    I’ll send blood myself, but like you, I’m anemic (incredibly so) so maybe it would be better if I just sent the pot.

    Also, quick question. Is “blood blood” some freaky math or something? Like blood to the second power and derivatives and shit? Because even though I work with math daily for my job, I might have to have you tutor me. I’ll pay you in pot.

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..Furbaby, Lost

  46. I just had a conversation the other day with a doctor about the difference between human blood and dog blood. Apparently dog blood really smells bad and human blood isn’t so bad. So, as long as he doesn’t open the vial, you should be ok.

  47. Oh, Jesus Christ.

    THE FOX AND THE HOUND.

    Just thinking about that movie makes me suddenly tear up. Hell, while we’re on the subject of sad, tragic dog movies, what about “Where the red fern grows”??????????

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    God, I have GOT to find a way to get these pregnancy hormones under control before I single handedly support Kleenex and/or snot myself to death.

    Loralee’s last blog post..Sideblog: Mob Wars

  48. Jen,

    Quit copying me! I have loved Steve for years and years. Although I do not possess a vial of his blood, I do have his toe-nail clippings. So there!!!

    ps. I fall more in love with you everyday.

  49. Dude. I’m pretty sure that at BlogHer you said *I* could be your BFF. Remember, you thought you were wearing your dress backwards, and I said I’d move to Houston and help you get dressed every day. That’s WAY better then a dog stuffed in a pot.

    xoxo, SG

  50. I think I saw the word blood more times in this post than I have in the entire “Twilight” series so far, and I’m on book 3. Is there a correlation here?

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Atonement

  51. You must have received that pot, because you have to be smoking something to be this funny.

    I make email typos all the time…last one I sent out to my sons entire 5th grade and instead of typing ‘for you’ I typed ‘f you you’. Nice.

    Karyn’s last blog post..The Secret is out!

  52. I’m fairly sure that “blood blood” is the same stuff Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton kept in those weird vials around their necks when they were married. Extra bloody and extra gross sounds a lot like their marriage.

    You could probably get hers now, if you really want it. I’m pretty sure she’s not using it anymore.

    I don’t know what Billy Bob’s doing with his, though.

  53. my daughter went through a phase when she had imaginary kids. one of them (the naughty one)was named Joey. he was banned from her Nana’s house for making a mess and not cleaning up after himself.
    anyway, according to Magda, Joey was “fluent in Rubbish” and was teaching her to speak it. She told me that “coo loo la” meant “i love you” in Rubbish.
    (she also had an imaginary step sister who lived in Japan but she got run over by a garbage truck and is dead now).

    princess slea’s last blog post..Poem for Monday the 29th

  54. I just LOLd like nobodies fucking business over this entire post.

    And I hate typing LOL.

    And I’m at work right now. (I work at a library.)

    And a patron shushed ME.

    Motherfucker.

  55. Wow, I didn’t even notice (uh, until now) that the comment above mine (#99) is all about me!

    So it’s not that I suck when it comes to nobodies vs. nobody’s, I’m just fluent in Rubbish. Only I’m a she, not a he, but I was running late this morning and skimped on the makeup, so it’s kind of a blurry line.

  56. Hilarious! LOVED the part about Will Ferrel and the tummy tattoo! Wow. And the comment from Angie about her 5 year old nephew being told by a big kid on the bus that penis was Spanish for Mommy….and that he walked in the door, threw his backpack and declared, “I’m home, PENIS.”….well, I just snorted out loud and woke my dog. That is the best snort/laugh I’ve had all day. Thanks! I needed that.

    The Bearded Iris’s last blog post..A Pox on My Home

  57. I fucked up the html code on my comment about starting a blog in the comments. This does not bode well.

    But you responded. Which means: encouragement!

    Hm. Although you mention using restraint, and posting your shit on your own site.

    I wonder what that’s like…

    (I have to stop, cause now I just look like an asshole who is trying to make a rad site all about them. Goodbye, comment blog.)

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