So just to follow up from my last post, Steve from the Sneeze did not send me any of his blood or drugs. Frankly, I was a little disillusioned and drunk (on pain and abandonment) and I may have written some ill-advised tweets asking where I could find a vial of rabies and also hamsters strong enough to survive being mailed across state lines after being injected with rabies, and then I sent another tweet to Steve asking for his address to which he totally didn’t respond at all. But regardless, Steve was still my blogging idol and so the next day I sent him another email when I was drunk (on juice and amaretto) which is pretty much evident because it honestly makes no fucking sense at all:
Dear Steve, I have not received any of your blood blood. At this point I’d be willing to settle for just one.
That’s the kind of friend I am…accommodating. Love, Jenny
And he actually wrote me back and told me he was sorry he didn’t get back to me sooner but was “off his email game” and he actually gave me his address. Then I felt really, really bad because he didn’t even make fun of my totally incoherent email and he was so damn nice that had to email him again and make things right:
Dear Steve, I totally understand. After going through all the trouble to look up the proper spelling of the word “accommodating” I somehow managed to totally fuck up the whole first sentence which was supposed to say “I have not received any of your blood or pot” and not “I have not received any of your blood blood”. I don’t even know what “blood blood” is but it sounds extra bloody and kinda gross. I’m going back and fixing it now though so that I can convince myself that it’s always said “blood and pot” which is way less creepy than “blood blood”. Also, several people pointed out that it was very presumptuous of me to demand blood without sending mine first so I’ll be sending you some blood. I’m anemic though so it’ll probably be dog blood.
Please send me a dog. Wrapped in pot.
PS. You are awesome and thank you for not calling the police.
PPS. I had a lot of people offer to send me vials of their blood after my last post so if you would rather have human blood just let me know and I’ll ask them to forward it to you instead. I’m not really sure though how you would even tell the difference between dog blood and people blood but if you specifically need the blood to be human please let me know. Also, please let me know why you need to have human blood. Because that’s kind of weird.
I haven’t heard back from him yet but I’m pretty sure we’re going to be best friends forever and that he’s going to come live with us especially since I looked up the address he sent me and it said it was a gas station so I think he may be homeless. Also I’m going to get a tattoo of his face on my abs except that I’m not sure what he looks like in real life so I’m gonna just use a picture of Will Ferrell and then if I ever run into Will Ferrell in the airport I can be all “I HAVE YOUR FACE TATTOOED ON MY TUMMY!” and he’ll be like “But why does it say ‘Steve’ under it?” and I’ll tell him that it means “Awesome” in Venezuelan and then he’ll be all “Wait, did you just say ‘tummy? What’re you, five?” and then I’ll be like “Huh. I guess ‘Steve’ is also Venezuelan for ‘asshole‘. It’s like “aloha”. It means many things.” Then I will slap the shit out of Will Ferrell and Steve will be all “High five, bitch! You just slapped Will Ferrell!” and then we’ll laaaugh and laugh.
It’s gonna be pretty much the best friendship since The Fox and The Hound except in the end we won’t kill each other, which is I think how that movie ends because why else does it close with their ghostly, disembodied voices saying they’ll be friends forever? It’s because they’re dead, that’s why.
PS. Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen Fox and the Hound.
PPS. I just saw that they came out with a Fox and the Hound, part two. How the fuck did they do that?!
Comment of the day: Speaking of Steve being Venezuelan for ‘awesome,” my 5 year old nephew was told by a big kid on the bus that penis was Spanish for Mommy. He walked in the door, threw his backpack and declared, “I’m home, PENIS.” The same kid also told my nephew ‘the bird’ was sign language for “I love you.” ~ Angie