So now I don’t have any blood *or* pot.

Last week I sent a fan letter to Steve from The Sneeze because his brilliant corn smut post is what got me hooked on blogging in the first place.  I told him that if he didn’t want to be my friend I would become his nemesis and I warned him that “I can kick like a mofo.  And by ‘mofo’ I mean ‘small hamster’.  A furious, furious hamster.”  And then he actually wrote me back and admitted that he was scared of hamsters and asked how he would go about being my friend and I sent him this response:

“I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve always found that the best way to seal a friendship is to swap blood.  We can only do it thought if you’re willing to come to Texas because I think it’s illegal to mail vials of body fluids across State lines.  Unless we can mask the smell of it with something else.  Like maybe pot?  Please mail me a vial of your blood wrapped in pot.  I’ll have to give you my P.O. Box address though because I don’t give out my real address.  Too many freaks out there.”

Then he never emailed me again and also he didn’t send me the blood or the pot.  It’s like you can’t even trust people anymore.

PS.  Still working on my memoirs.  Just finished chapter 4, which would be more impressive if I’d finished chapters 1-3 first, but it sounds way better than just saying “I’ve written one chapter”.  I’m pretty sure this is why George Lucas skipped right to Episode IV in Star Wars.

PPS.  I just finished chapter 2.  Technically I just copied and pasted the online directions for syncing up my iphone but it’s done.  I don’t know why people complain about how hard it is to write a book.

Comment of the day:  Um…Jenny?? Everyone knows you’re supposed to wrap the blood in bacon. If you don’t have any bacon, use fruit roll ups. If you don’t have any fruit roll ups, use cat hair. If you don’t have any cat hair, stop eating it.

No wonder Steve never emailed you back.  ~ Greta

130 thoughts on “So now I don’t have any blood *or* pot.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think you didn’t hear from him again because he got picked up by the Feds for shipping bodily fluids wrapped in illicit drugs. 😉

  2. Woo-hoo! A post even though you’re technically on hiatus! Sunday clearly IS a holy day.

    I say just skip chapter 1 entirely. Then, at some later date you can release it as THE LOST CHAPTER!! This is called “Doubling Your Money.”

    I had a mofo once. And he WAS totally furious. He’d run around in his wheel until I though his head was going to explode. This is called “Having Issues.” Or maybe, “Why He Died In Like Five Weeks.”

    Lesley’s last blog post..I’m Blogging About Blogging Again…In The Hopes I Can Distract You From The Fact I’m Not Actually Doing Any REAL Blogging

  3. …I’m still hung up on the raspberry gummi bears you cut off of that poor fetus. I’m gonna hafta get back to you on the vampiric version of Potka.

  4. Possibly he just indulged in the pot and then forgot why, exactly, he had a fridge full of small vials of blood. Give him time. Or send him a hamster as a reminder, although I suspect you’re not supposed to send those across state lines either.
    Wrap the hamster in the pot. He’ll appreciate the gift, now that he’s hooked on pot.

    Keely’s last blog post..Huh, that didn’t hurt

  5. Can I have his email address? I’d like him to send me some blood wrapped in vodka. Can they do that? However, since I don’t think vodka can mask a smell, he might have to wrap the vodka in, let’s say, bourbon. or rum. or some kind of shit like that.

    I think my mofo can kick your mofo’s ass.

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..A Heavy Coat

  6. Your sense of humor speaks to me. In my head. At night.

    I’ll swap blood with you. I’m in Texas.

    You crack me up. Seriously. I’m all in pieces on the floor right now and it’s hard to type, my head’s in three pieces and each finger on it’s own…do you have some superglue you could mail me instead? A hot glue gun? Anyone?!

    Rhea’s last blog post..Kachi & The Flying Feast

  7. My college roommate, whom we called Dirty Diana (at her insistence, not ours-her name wasn’t even Diana) was arrested and hauled off to jail for mailing pot. She made the fatal error of writing her return address on the envelope. My life was never quite the same after that. For one, Diana’s bed was empty and I lost my Humanities study parter, even though she wasn’t that bright. Drugs kill and cause bad grades.

    jenboglass (steenky bee)’s last blog post..Space Oddities

  8. Y’know, I’m really tempted to mail you a vial of red food coloring packed in oregano, just to see what’d happen. And just to make sure no one got the wrong idea, I’d write “This is not a vial of blood, honest!” on the package (in purple crayon, of course).

    Maybe you could have a contest to see who can send you the most suspicious-looking package. Hey, what’s the worst that could happen?

    Steve (not that one, though)’s last blog post..Cola, Strippers and Armadillos

  9. This blog nearly made me spew bad hotel coffee out my nose. Thanks????

    Good luck with the memoir thing. I’m doing the same and it just end up writing snippets here and there. I’m hoping I can stitch it together in book form at some point.

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..The Day of Never Ending Rain

  10. Good luck with the memoir thing. I am working on mine too. People like to read about tragedy and overcoming and all that I am told.

    On the subject of friendship though – because you could just swap links. Less messy. Oh, and I am still waiting for you to link me. Or for your comments box to pick up my latest post. It never does. Makes me sad. Okay, not really but I do feel less special.

  11. Thanks for making me laugh today. I like the idea of food coloring wrapped in oregano. That would probably open some eyes but dissappoint the pot smokers and vampires.

  12. At this point in my life remaining my friend is all about the ability to fly under my radar when I am ready to slam your head into a wall. For our own good! I have friends that are lacking in common sense, you see…..

    clickmom’s last blog post..butt stripey

  13. I guess this officially makes you his nemesis. So, taking into consideration his fear of hamsters, this obviously means you have to send him a blood-soaked hamster wrapped in pot. It’s clearly the only action to take at this junction.

    Natalie’s last blog post..Um, thanks, I guess?

  14. Steve makes me laugh til I pee. He is so freaking funny. Almost as funny as you.

    And corn smut? He is right about the canned kind, but fresh it is just the best. No, I’m not joking. It is called huitlacoche and it looks like something you find growing in the fridge (well, my fridge) but it tastes like the best kind of yum. I would pay $20 a pound for it. But it is pretty light, so a pound would feed a lot of people.

    Suebob’s last blog post..The debates, a little late

  15. If I wasn’t afraid you’d send me a rabid hamster in the mail, I’d totally copy and paste your blog into mine, because you are so much funnier than I am… and, oh how I hate to admit this, but you are also more frightening than I am. Although, I can scare the pants off most Mormon men, who believe I am the She-Devil.

    Lianne’s last blog post..The Weekend: My Love Affair

  16. The fact that you can summarize your life in a chapter is pretty damn impressive. My life could be summarized on a pamphlet. And would still have to share space with the side effects of Viagra. But, at least it would be read. I guess I’d call it a win.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..“The Ugly Pumpkin”

  17. Bloggess,
    Just tweeted about you.Spelled your name wrong, but you get the idear. Always think of you in comedy writing…hence….the following:

    http://www.theblogess.com = If @TinaFey, @JimmyKimmel had a baby, and that baby grew up in Juvy and had a baby with the prison guard.

    http://twitter.com/chiefhotmomma

    Toodles,

    ChiefHotMomma of the Hot Mommas Project (Women’s Leadership, not porn)

    Hot Mommas Project’s last blog post..Free – October 23 Women’s Opportunity Conference in Florida

  18. Just for the record, can you NOT go so long between posts? I thought you were dead…or worse, captured by ninja hamsters masquerading as bears…

    You ought to conserve your energy and talent and not write, edit, spell check, blah-blah, but instead sell your blog complete with comments to some 20 genius screenwriter for FOX, HBO, whatever…you’ve got a fucking hilarious weekly sitcom!!!!

    Voila! Your rich and then who gives a shit about friends, blood, and pot ok, so you’d still care about pot.

    Kim’s last blog post..Comfort Cooking = Autumn

  19. Is it weird that:

    1.) I got so excited when your link lit up on my blog reader that I actually screamed at my boyfriend to stop fixing my car and come read this?

    2.) My boyfriend knows how to fix a car?

    3.) I have a boyfriend?

    OMG so fricking funny. And I second the motion of The Bloggess as a sitcom. I would TOTALLY TIVO it.

    thedemigod’s last blog post..Sharing

  20. I say he tried to deliver it personally. Hidden in a ‘special place’ away from the Feds. Check your garden, I believe he may be hiding in the rose bushes after the baggie broke and is now terrified of the garden gnome. Man.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Best laid plans.

  21. Dude. I would totally send you blood…and pot.

    As an aside, does anyone know where I can get some pot? You know, just for the mailing purposes of course.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Polar Bear Blaise

  22. ps. have you ever looked at a fed-ex envelope? right across the top it says “do not ship liquids, blood or diagnostics in this packaging”

    and i always get the urge to drop a vial of blood in that sucker…just to see what would happen…

    🙂

    ali’s last blog post..Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

  23. Steve makes me cry. In a good way.
    I really have to stop reading “Steve! Don’t eat it” segments at work.

    The one about potted meat….sorry. Had a giggle-fit. I don’t even have to read it anymore. “Hits you in the face like a stinky fist” That’s good writin’.

    Catizhere’s last blog post..Dear God, Not again….

  24. All of the blood and pot comments you are getting would be freaking me out a bit as to what kind of readers I had if I were you.

    Although technically I just made a blood and pot comment, too, I guess.

    KEEP BELIEVING

    Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING’s last blog post..Get Service

  25. My theory? He’s waiting for your blood. Because if you have to swap blood, there has to be a mutual exchange yknow? So what, you’re just expecting blood to APPEAR in your mail box without you sending some out too? Sheesh.

    I can’t write a book, because I have the attention span of a goldfish on speed. I really don’t even have what it takes to write blog entries, I just sort of start stringing words together and hope for the best.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Let’s just continuing screwing myself, shall we?

  26. Who knows how many hundreds of people Steve has inspired to blog? We’re two, at least.

    I’m beyond impressed that you got a response from Steve to your offer of friendship, before you scared/intimidated him into silence. I’m sure he’ll come around, though.

    As a side note, doesn’t it seems like everybody reads The Sneeze, but nobody talks about it– why is that? Is it because Steve’s so much more mysterious than Dooce, that people just don’t know what to say?

    I’ll say something right here– if Dooce is Jesus, lord and savior of the blogging world, then Steve is God, creator of everything and 10x more badass.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..The rules of D-, Vol. 2

  27. i see something positive in this experience.

    in fact, from now on this is how i’m going to sift through my friends. if they will send me blood wrapped in pot, then they can be my friend. if they don’t do this, then they can rot in fucking hell.

    that’s me, always looking for the positive and stealing it from other people.

    piglet’s last blog post..welcome sir isaac henry……

  28. I was going to comment on this last night, but then you reminded me that I LOOOVE The Sneeze (I had forgotten), and ended up over there. Also, on my last birthday Marc tricked me into eating quitlacoche. The place that he got it from was shut down last week by the health department for about 75 infractions. There is a special place in hell for him now.

  29. I need to go read that post that caused you to want blood and drugs and interstate commerce in illegal stuff. Must have been a whopper. Gotta run..hubby needs me to look up intestate for him…it is the stock market thing again.

    AmberStar’s last blog post..Trying to get back in the groove

  30. I bet you some literary critic is going to say your best chapter was the one where you wrote about syncing up your iphone because it was the one that best “presented us with a mirror to ourselves and our modern addiction to technology.” Profound!

    Neil’s last blog post..Change

  31. OMG…I clicked on the ‘corn smut’ post…and thank GOODNESS I started a nearly all-liquid diet today. And peed most of it out.

    Otherwise, I would have barfed on my computer screen.

    I need the pot for my nausea.

    Tiggerlane’s last blog post..Fun Monday Story Challenge

  32. Is it hard being as funny as you are?

    My Memoir would only have a chapter one. I outdid myself in being weird the day I was born. I just can’t compete with an impromptu no u-turn highway birth in the back of a white subaru. A

    Deidre’s last blog post..Cannot move for Germans

  33. It scares me how much your writing makes sense and doesn’t freak me out. Pot could totally cover the smell of blood. I’m almost sure of it.

  34. You never fail to completely crack me up. Also, I think you can write another chapter or two of your memoirs quite easily by cutting and pasting some basic directions for making a bed-sheet toga and for stalking Big Foot.

    You’re welcome. Email any time for more fabulous writing advice.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Getting Out of the House

  35. seriously.. so not hard to write a book. whiners. you want me to write a chapter for you??

    and i’d totally send you blood.. or pot.. or both.. might not be my blood though, does that count?

    churchpunkmom’s last blog post..10 Things

  36. I just love you.
    Nothing more original than that.
    I will be your friend and send you pot blood if that’s what you deem necessary.

  37. LOL There sure ARE some crazies out there. And it looks like you have a few as readers. 126 comments??? I almost didn’t write this cuz you’ve already got enough whacko shit on here.

    Tiffany’s last blog post..The Silk Lady

  38. You are insane! But you already know that and that’s why I like you so much. You can have blood from me any time but since we both live in Houston I’ll just meet you for lunch and give it to you. We should totally meet for lunch one day! Let’s!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..The Drama of Going Out of Town

  39. You mentioned George Lucas in your post. My husband now wants to have your children. Like he’ll get pregnant and deal with the swelling and the late-night munchies and the labor and everything.

    Just include Stormtroopers and he’s all yours.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..I’m Old

  40. Thank you for the laugh (not just today, but every day) and for your comment on my new blog. I’ll never be in the same league as The Bloggess, but I am flattered to be in your company. R.E.M.

    R.E.M.’s last blog post..Anxiety of Authorship

  41. I don’t know what Steve’s problem is. Perhaps he did send it and it was just “””lost”””” in the mail.

    I’ve been writing a book for 4 years. It’s not so hard. I’ve got 4 chapters ready to roll. There’s a problem with the plot though. There is none. It’s difficult to move ahead when all of your characters are just sitting around picking lint off their kneecaps for lack of anything else to do.

    Cynthia Conciatu’s last blog post..Ms. Low-Tech Makes Good!

  42. I’ve learned so many life lessons reading your blog. How to test a swimsuit by holding a piece of fruit. And now how to test if a person is worth my friendship by whether or not he’ll send me his blood and some pot. Thanks Jenny!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Movies

  43. Technically I just copied and pasted the online directions for syncing up my iphone but it’s done. I don’t know why people complain about how hard it is to write a book.

    I absolutely did a fancier version of this for my totally pointless law journal note back in the day – just stuck in a bunch of marginally related graphs and crap. I knew people that filled whole pages with “I hate writing this note.” See, that could be a whole chapter right there.

  44. I totally heard that swapping chunks of skin & fingernails is the new “blood.” There are no laws. I am down with being friends and swapping stuff. Maybe start slow, like hair samples..

    Heidi’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  45. I’ve recently found this blog, and due to my talent of Extreme Procrastination I’ve read like, two years worth of it. I also read some of Dooce, because I found the excitement of the hobbit comment interesting. I just want to point something out. I searched Dooce is google, had a look at her wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heather_Armstrong
    Have a look at the last External Link. “‘Mommybloggers’ turn their hobbit into profits”. If you click the link..there’s NOTHING to do with hobbits on it! More, you know, hobbies. WHOOPS wikipedia typo!
    /exit random stalker

  46. Before PETA banned us from having them, we had a couple of hamsters, along with the birds, the cat, and now a dog, and oh yeah, the fish, and the fleas (as pets of course). One night the hamsters made a ninjalike escape, shimmying down a laundry vent to freedom–we were *that* bad! … and a rabbit. We used to let him/her out now and then, or it would escape into the yard. One day the rabbit got a bit too crafty and fast for us to catch, so that was all for Lucy the rabbit. We imagine she didn’t last long in the wild, being pure white.

    Anyway, you’re not still reading this are you? I have an album I’d like you to review if you would like–Hank Hooper’s “Playground Fortune Teller”. Check this for details: http://hooperville.bitworksmusic.com

    Drop me a line if you’d like to review it!

    david’s last blog post..Farewell Cy Rawls

  47. You are the funniest person I have ever met or read or worshipped. I wish to be able to reach your level of sane insanity at some time in my life. With or without the pot and blood blood.

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