This post isn’t about porn or hobos but you should read it anyway

Cross-posted at my other blog because I’m totally charitable lazy like that.

Now I’m going to tell you a terrible secret. Every year for the last 10 years Victor and I have given my parents the same present. We buy a bunch of toys, take pictures of them, caption them in offensive ways (like making the Barbies all discuss their bulemia tips) and tape the pictures into a home-made book. Then we give all the toys to Toy for Tots and give the book to my parents as their Christmas present. So basically my parents get screwed out of a gift every fucking year. But they don’t mind because they’re awesome and they love the idea that they raised me to care about others even though I’m fairly sure that creating an entire book congratulating yourself on stuff you gave to charity is pretty much the most uncharitable way of giving ever. 

What’s awesome though is that when you drop off all the presents the people at the drop-off give you the my-God-you-must-be-a-fucking-saint look, which is almost exactly like the my-God-I-just-saw-your-nipples look. This year I dropped off the presents at Hailey’s daycare and I was all “This totally makes up for all the times she went to school looking totally disheveled. Because I’m too busy being charitable to straighten all the cow-licks out of my kids hair.” And then the directors totally feel guilty for judging me. I assume.

So that’s why today you should go out and buy some toys for charity and take pictures of them and give them to your parents and say you did it because they “raised you right”. They’ll feel awesome and you’ll feel awesome. Or they’ll be all “This is the shittiest present ever” and you can be like “Well I guess next year I’ll spend all my money on crack. Is that what you want?!” and then storm out of the house yelling “YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND ME YOU ASSHOLES” and it’ll be just like every other Christmas, except at least you can remind yourself about what a decent, charitable person you are while you drive around looking for a bar that’s open on Christmas.

toys 4 tots.jpg

The US Marine Corp Reserve does not have enough toys to fulfill their Toys for Tots commitments to local hospitals and non-profits so they’re putting out a call for help. In Houston, you can drop off new, unwrapped toys at your local starbucks between now and December 21st. Or check here to find other drop off places.

Comment of the day:  Both my parents are dead so I guess I’m off the hook, here. ~farrago

78 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Absolutely. Just click on the donation link and put in your state. It’ll tell you where you can find a drop-off site near you.

    PS. I love you people.

  2. My mom always gushed over craft projects. Still does. Dad prefers cash.

    Chris’s last blog post..Helpful Hints #4

  3. That’s an awesome idea actually (oops, was a kitten just mangled??). If I could actually get out and drive to buy toys I would (we just got a shitload of snow (by Seattle standards).

    Marisa’s last blog post..Our crazy, crazy weather here in the Northwest

  4. *sniffles* I.. I think I love you. (In a totally non-gay, non-stalker kinda way.)

    Mahala’s last blog post..Cha-Cha and Silver Linings

  5. That’s an awesome idea! Wish I’d read about it before handcrafting a bunch of shit for my in-laws. There’s always next year. And I did donate to Toys for Tots this year already, I just didn’t think to charge it to my in-law’s xmas present anty.

  6. You’ve totally inspired me. I have a basement filled with gifts I’ve bought to give at upcoming birthday parties. I’m totally going to donate those to Toys for Tots- thank you for reminding me!! (And I wasn’t planning on getting my mom squat, so this will be e hug improvement.)

    Scary Mommy’s last blog post..The Princess

  7. I wasn’t going to comment because by the time I click over here there are always fifty-eleven thousand comments, but this time I just had to in order to say how much I love you, but, blammo—Mahala beat me to it; Ignore her: I love you better, and in a totally gay stalker way. Except of course I’m the kind of gay stalker that stays at home thousands of miles away, dreams about penises, and would never, ever, crouch in the bushes near your house. Because you have snakes there. That’s the way I roll.

    Menchuvian Candidate’s last blog post..*****Ssssshhh!*****

  8. *sniff*

    You complete me. (Heh, heh, heh)

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Friday Fuffle

  9. I prefer this version to the other one – more nipples.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Farty’s Friday Chart

  10. I totally love you and it is in a gay, stalker kind of way.
    Seriously, is there a way for those of us who don’t live in houston to get online and donate money?

    shonda’s last blog post..The Cowboy Chronicles, Apparent Home of Naughty Nuns

  11. THIS is a brilliant idea, and I might try it next year. I wish I had parents who would laugh at Barbie’s bulimia — but, then, I suppose there are worse “lacks” in parents than that.

    Also, now I have to go out tomorrow in the no-snowstorm window to help out toys for Tots. Thanks.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow…

  12. If you truly wanted to be charitable and enjoy some happy faces you would buy a load of porn and hookers and distribute them to hobos, but this is a nice idea too.

    EdenSky’s last blog post..I’m thankful for…purple dolphins.

  13. I am totally planning on doing the Mommy Dearest thing and giving my kids heaps of presents and then telling them that they can keep only one. the rest are going to the poor children. And they will be all ‘but we are the poor children’ and I will be all Meh.

    Cause I get to be charitable AND mess around with their psyche. Best Christmas EVER!

    Kelley’s last blog post..Show us your Crazy. Christmas Crazy that is.

  14. Wait, didn’t I already comment on this post? I’m confused…or seeing double?

    Rhea’s last blog post..Sucked In

  15. Hmmm…my dad would like this. His wife? Notsomuch. She thinks toys are the devil’s candy. Kids should only play with the fecking boxes from her new shoes and the expired rice from her pantry. Fecker. I think I might do it anyway. Because of all of the above stuff…

  16. That’s an impressive pile of toys there…good work. I’d keep that little princess in the middle though, she seems too cute to give away!

    Anna’s last blog post..Magical

  17. This year the daughter has been told we will be giving toys away to make room for the Santa haul (which she doesn’t realize is going to be smaller than the pile we will be donating).

    annie’s last blog post..The Friday Update

  18. What lucky down-and-out little tot is getting the cute doll in the center?

    RhodesTer’s last blog post..23 Squidoo! and monetize, too!

  19. I love tooting my own horn t….I mean, I love being charitable too!
    And I can just imagine her face when she realized all those pretties weren’t hers: “Mom, you’re a fucking tease!”

    Brandy’s last blog post..“I don’t have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation” Whoopi

  20. I love that underneath your snarky, crazy and irreverent personality is a heart of gold. Everything about you makes my day. Thanks.

    Dana Corey, Spicy Princess’s last blog post..He’s Too Big. Help!

  21. Could they make it any easier? seriously, the drop off is starbucks? no one has an excuse not to do this and then stick it to their parents. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..the face of friday

  22. Careful, or we might think you are a sweet compassionate person or something. (!) I read that the local Marines were like 5000 short of their goal or something. Thanks for the reminder. Toys on the way.

    Alexia’s last blog post..My mother and I drive each other batty over food issues, even after 40 years

  23. I never give my parents a gift, ever. Not because I dont love them, that is just the precident that has been set, and who am I to break tradition? So, I think I am going to steal this idea… they will be blown away that I am giving them a gift AND I get to do something good. Everyone loves a win-win!

    PearlWisdom’s last blog post..A Clean, Green, Getaway… Er, I mean Giveaway…

  24. Wonderful idea! Adult presents for x-mas should be outlawed anyway…gift gluttony ends up dishonoring the spirit of the holiday.

  25. Hey, I miss the porn and hobos. But you said nipples so I’m good.

    I’m having a sex toy contest giveaway. I think you’d appreciate it. It lights up so if your kids find it you can lie and say it’s a flashlight.

    Plunger Girl’s last blog post..Getting an early start (contest)

  26. This completely changes my judgement of you. I didn’t think charity could fit into that category cloud, but there it goes…
    Bravo!

  27. I came here for hobo porn and now I’m pissed. What a rip off.

    Kat’s last blog post..December 19th

  28. T4T is one of my favorite charities, one that I donate to whenever I get a bit of money, because I so believe in what they do. Of course, I never thought of the book idea. I must remember that for my Grandma next year.

  29. For the record, any bar worth its salt is open on Christmas. Christmas is an excellent time of year to drink. Not as good as Easter, what with the Easter Beer Hunt and all, but still pretty awesome.

    Swedishskier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes

  30. Geez, you really are lazy! 🙂 Kidding! Thanks for the info!

    gingela5’s last blog post..I Wish There Were A Billion Hours in a Day…

  31. If it gets almost the same reaction, why not just give your parents a book filled with pictures of your nipples? Though I understand your nipples may be rather difficult to donate to Toys for Tots. But you could drop off the toys, and then show your nipples, and that way you’d get the “my-God …” look twice which would make you feel twice as good. I assume.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any tax planning activities

  32. Your “terrible secret” is terribly awesome. Now I’m just mad I’ve never stopped and taken the time to create such a book with toys we gave to charity.

    Think of all those wasted years!

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..The weather inside is spiteful

  33. I love the book idea, think that’s what my folks can get next year.
    So how did that Bulimia conversation go……?

    yaya’s last blog post..Telepathic snatchy grab, chocolate fountains, Twister and Secret Santa

  34. Thanks for pointing out that Toys for Tots needs more toys- definitely something to keep in mind while finishing up Christmas shopping!

    tutugirl1345’s last blog post..Because I feel like stealing, bolding and italicizing

  35. I prefer the “I totally bought this and then realized it’s so not going to work for the particular kid I had in mind because she’s not African American but Mexican and this doll, now that I got her home, is African American under the lights in my house, and I’m not sure how she fooled me while in the store” method of donating to Toys for Tots.

    Nut Nut’s last blog post..What I learned this holiday season.

  36. This year my wife and I took the money we would have spent on each other to the grocery store. We bought all non-perishables foods with it and drove it all right over to the food bank. We too received the “I just saw your nipple look” and this time my wife was able to keep her top on.

    IB’s last blog post..I Got Your Snow, Right Here!

  37. Thanks, Bloggess. I was feeling so good about myself for donating three, THREE toys to our local children’s organization, compared to two in previous years. Now I feel like Scrooge.

    Although in my defense, I will point out that when we dropped off the toys, the cupcakes the happy grateful employees gave my daughters were so messy that I had to put both the baby’s snowsuit AND my coat in the wash. So, you know, I did suffer for the children.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Reading After Lights Out

  38. Hmmmm… tough choice. Charity or crack? Charity or Crack????

    I’ll get back to you on that one.

    tracey’s last blog post..Ahem. BIG time…

  39. That is so brilliant, and hilarious too. Have a fantastic Christmas.

    Jo Beaufoix’s last blog post..We have the lergy

  40. Wow dude. You’re awesome.

  41. So know we know where you get your sense of humor from. Yea, genetics!!!

    Cathy’s last blog post..12 Days of Christmas Countdown

  42. What a great idea!

    Janna’s last blog post..More Snu Snu

  43. Can I totally rip off your parent gift? I’ve been trying to figure out some way to surpass my brother as the shining star of the family as always evidenced by his dominating the annual “Christmas Family Update” letter.

    Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…

    ballerinatoes’s last blog post..Top Chef, The Suckiest Episode Ever

  44. Hee. We’re on the same wave length. On my last trip to New Orleans, I bought loads of cheap tacky T-shirts. Everyone gets one along with a “donation has been made in your name to Brad Pitt’s Make it Right NOLA Foundation” or “Musicians’ Village”.

    Lisa Paul’s last blog post..Announcing: Two Terrier Olive Oil!

  45. …as if i wasn’t already totally crushing on you.

  46. How adorable is she? I love all the curls in her hair! She is beautiful!

    Jaci’s last blog post..A Bad Case of Blogger’s Butt

  47. That’s a shitload of toys, yo. You’re good people, one-cheeked cancer kid rants or no (which I thought was funny but whatever.)

    Count me in on doing the Mommy Dearest thing as I enjoy spiking my cocktails with children’s tears.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..What I Learned on the F Train

  48. So, do we get to see the pics with offensive captions or what? (tap tap tap)

    Steve’s last blog post..Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

  49. I think is is so nice that you picked up a few little things for those needy kids. Even though you did not get them as much stuff as I did (they had to rent a storage unit at Amberleigh’s school to hold it all, especially the 75 five foot high stuffed animals from FAO Schwartz and the two scaled down mobile homes). I wrote about it last week. I was uber generous this yr. Even gave those poor kids some free consults with my stylist!

    The book idea is excellent. I’d like to give something like this to my MIL. Although maybe it could just be a picture of me shopping with Dr. B’s $ and getting facials and pedis and stuff so she could see what good/dedicated arm candy I am.

    Your poor kid. I really hope you got her some decent stuff, and not just bargain bin toys. Like I got Amberleigh a $$$ hotel dollhouse with her very own servants! Couldn’t wait till Christmas though. She opened it today!

    Queen B Mommy’s last blog post..Amberleigh’s First Hired Help

  50. This is in no way relevant to the post but my kids’ new school nurse is your freakin’ twin.

    I contemplated taking her photo with my phone or either walking up to her and whispering, “Dead hobo fingers”. In the end, I did nothing. No surprise there.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A Holly Jolly Christmas

  51. I like to give my parents bags of dog shit every year, so that they know they did well at raising a thrifty boy who likes dogs and natural fertilizer.

    father muskrat’s last blog post..the fourth friday confessional: secret rendezvous at the drag show

  52. Awesome. I wonder if the same gift giving would go well for husbands, nieces, and nephews. I might try it and see how it goes.

    Sara’s last blog post..Compliment #43 – A Great Read

  53. Reading this post is really only worth it if you’ll post copies of the book you created with all those awesome toys in compromising positions.

    Or a book about your nipples.

    Either way.

    bejewell’s last blog post..Best Christmas Present EVER.

  54. We totally bought a bunch of goats from Heifer International or whatever for our relatives, and all of them HATED IT. We should add the book and the “raised us right” crap–nice work!

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..Snowed in

  55. 57
    Procrastinateher

    Wow, how could your parents not love that Christmas present?!
    I’m cruel because the first thing I thought when reading that was I want to give some child a book like that.

    I gave my neighbours some of my homemade “creative interpretations of Christmas” cards. One had a zebra on it, and another had some crumbling buildings and fire. Because not everybody gets to hang tinsel?

  56. I decided to be charitable this year and went to the T4T website the other day to look for a drop off point. However, I am inherently lazy. When I saw that they had a “donate here” button I just gave them money. SO for all you out there thinking that you’ll do it next year since this year is too late. Just give them $$. Make the holidays wonderful AND be lazy at the same time!! The best of both worlds!

  57. I breastfed three sons, so I’m pretty sure a picture of toys would be more popular than my nipples. Because of the damage, you know.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Last desperate sprint toward Christmas: In TECHNICOLOR!

  58. You are so funny, and your commenters are all so funny, it makes me feel like I can’t comment unless I can be just as funny. But screw that, because that isn’t going to happy. And so I will just do this my way, which is to say that I just ADORE you and you are SO funny. MWAH.

    Swistle’s last blog post..Handbag

  59. I’m glad you have a heart. Can you put my name on like.. 2 of those?

    Georgette’s last blog post..Snowy goodness.

  60. This is such a good idea and I’m such a good mom, I think next year, I’ll do it to my kid. ‘Merry Christmas, Isobel. Look at all of the presents you’re not getting, but other kids are!’

    Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Annual Traditions

  61. I can’t afford to buy any toys this year. Where can I donate my unused condoms?

    Red Flashlight’s last blog post..Cooking in a Pith

  62. […] Bloggess gets all charitable on […]

  63. Such a great, great idea! Totally gonna do that, since I haven’t actually started my Christmas shopping. At all. For anyone.

    I blame the crack. It distracts.

    Joey’s last blog post..It’s funny cause they’re for children

  64. dude, i’m right there with you. every time i leave a big tip at the bar, i’m all “that five is from ME” when they count their cash. also i bought my parents a pig from heifer international this christmas, and totally used the “thanks for raising me right” line. awesome.

  65. Both my parents are dead. So I guess I’m off the hook, here.

    farrago’s last blog post..A Date Which Will Live in Infamy

  66. That’s a great idea. I like stuff that scores me extra parental points while also getting my “get into Heaven” punch card stamped.

    Sher’s last blog post..I’m not pregnant. I just can’t spit.

  67. It says a lot about your inner confidence and your talent as a writer that you could champion your own charitable efforts and engender such praise from your dedicated readers. I am sure you went all “Well, if I tell everybody about this then they’ll think I’m tooting my own horn, but if I don’t tell them then how will they ever know that I am even more awesome than they already think I am”. It was a tough choice to make, but you handled it deftly. Love how you have the profanity filter reversed for this version.

    I am waiting patiently for a new entry discussing the religiobusiness retreat.

  68. I give money to the salvation army for Christmas. I can’t handle the pressure of anything beyond handing money to the guy with the bell outside Safeway.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..(Potential) Christmas FAIL

  69. Was it AFTER you told Hailey the toys weren’t hers that you threatened her with having a stuffed animal bite her feet off?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Top Chef 5: Things are not always as they seem

  70. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of this idea before. It both increases my ability to defile children’s toys without feeling guilty, and it allows me to abstain from spending actual money on my parents. I’ve got all kinds of material on HeMan.

    Cat’s last blog post..100!

  71. So Mr. Popular :-D.

    You were nominated by a couple of us on WMDA. When you have a minute, come check out our award show. You are a recipient of the BESTEST award on the net.

    Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..’tis the season … for AWARDS

  72. 74
    Lani ~ The Wooden Porch

    Take pictures of your book and post them online! I want to see it.

  73. Okay so.. are you into gay, stalker like comments? Because if you are, I can be way gayer and stalkier than Menchuvian Candidate.

    Mahala’s last blog post..Cha-Cha and Silver Linings

  74. I decided we would do that his year because I realized I (and my mom and in laws) have turned my kids in to spoiled brats by buying them too many gifts in the past.

    So realizing I’d screwed up and that i don’t want spoiled brats that expect the world handed to them on a silver platter, I figured that was the best way to fix it…(oh and of course help out others in need)

    WM’s last blog post..Seattle, we might have to break up.

  75. I totally fail to see the link between the US Marine Corp and
    “donating toys”.

    Aren’t they into “killing and stuff”?

    Peter’s last blog post..Magic pre-Christmas images of Antwerp, part two

  76. Owe Mah GAWD– I’m fucking home ma! You are hilarious. Love it! Already added you to my blogroll.

    pseudosu’s last blog post.."Reportedly, She’s Doing Some Kind Of Artwork Now…"

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