This post isn’t about porn or hobos but you should read it anyway

Cross-posted at my other blog because I’m totally charitable lazy like that.

Now I’m going to tell you a terrible secret. Every year for the last 10 years Victor and I have given my parents the same present. We buy a bunch of toys, take pictures of them, caption them in offensive ways (like making the Barbies all discuss their bulemia tips) and tape the pictures into a home-made book. Then we give all the toys to Toy for Tots and give the book to my parents as their Christmas present. So basically my parents get screwed out of a gift every fucking year. But they don’t mind because they’re awesome and they love the idea that they raised me to care about others even though I’m fairly sure that creating an entire book congratulating yourself on stuff you gave to charity is pretty much the most uncharitable way of giving ever. 

What’s awesome though is that when you drop off all the presents the people at the drop-off give you the my-God-you-must-be-a-fucking-saint look, which is almost exactly like the my-God-I-just-saw-your-nipples look. This year I dropped off the presents at Hailey’s daycare and I was all “This totally makes up for all the times she went to school looking totally disheveled. Because I’m too busy being charitable to straighten all the cow-licks out of my kids hair.” And then the directors totally feel guilty for judging me. I assume.

So that’s why today you should go out and buy some toys for charity and take pictures of them and give them to your parents and say you did it because they “raised you right”. They’ll feel awesome and you’ll feel awesome. Or they’ll be all “This is the shittiest present ever” and you can be like “Well I guess next year I’ll spend all my money on crack. Is that what you want?!” and then storm out of the house yelling “YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND ME YOU ASSHOLES” and it’ll be just like every other Christmas, except at least you can remind yourself about what a decent, charitable person you are while you drive around looking for a bar that’s open on Christmas.

toys 4 tots.jpg

The US Marine Corp Reserve does not have enough toys to fulfill their Toys for Tots commitments to local hospitals and non-profits so they’re putting out a call for help. In Houston, you can drop off new, unwrapped toys at your local starbucks between now and December 21st. Or check here to find other drop off places.

Comment of the day:  Both my parents are dead so I guess I’m off the hook, here. ~farrago

78 thoughts on “This post isn’t about porn or hobos but you should read it anyway

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That’s an awesome idea! Wish I’d read about it before handcrafting a bunch of shit for my in-laws. There’s always next year. And I did donate to Toys for Tots this year already, I just didn’t think to charge it to my in-law’s xmas present anty.

  2. You’ve totally inspired me. I have a basement filled with gifts I’ve bought to give at upcoming birthday parties. I’m totally going to donate those to Toys for Tots- thank you for reminding me!! (And I wasn’t planning on getting my mom squat, so this will be e hug improvement.)

    Scary Mommy’s last blog post..The Princess

  3. I wasn’t going to comment because by the time I click over here there are always fifty-eleven thousand comments, but this time I just had to in order to say how much I love you, but, blammo—Mahala beat me to it; Ignore her: I love you better, and in a totally gay stalker way. Except of course I’m the kind of gay stalker that stays at home thousands of miles away, dreams about penises, and would never, ever, crouch in the bushes near your house. Because you have snakes there. That’s the way I roll.

    Menchuvian Candidate’s last blog post..*****Ssssshhh!*****

  4. THIS is a brilliant idea, and I might try it next year. I wish I had parents who would laugh at Barbie’s bulimia — but, then, I suppose there are worse “lacks” in parents than that.

    Also, now I have to go out tomorrow in the no-snowstorm window to help out toys for Tots. Thanks.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow…

  5. I am totally planning on doing the Mommy Dearest thing and giving my kids heaps of presents and then telling them that they can keep only one. the rest are going to the poor children. And they will be all ‘but we are the poor children’ and I will be all Meh.

    Cause I get to be charitable AND mess around with their psyche. Best Christmas EVER!

    Kelley’s last blog post..Show us your Crazy. Christmas Crazy that is.

  6. Hmmm…my dad would like this. His wife? Notsomuch. She thinks toys are the devil’s candy. Kids should only play with the fecking boxes from her new shoes and the expired rice from her pantry. Fecker. I think I might do it anyway. Because of all of the above stuff…

  7. That’s an impressive pile of toys there…good work. I’d keep that little princess in the middle though, she seems too cute to give away!

    Anna’s last blog post..Magical

  8. This year the daughter has been told we will be giving toys away to make room for the Santa haul (which she doesn’t realize is going to be smaller than the pile we will be donating).

    annie’s last blog post..The Friday Update

  9. T4T is one of my favorite charities, one that I donate to whenever I get a bit of money, because I so believe in what they do. Of course, I never thought of the book idea. I must remember that for my Grandma next year.

  10. For the record, any bar worth its salt is open on Christmas. Christmas is an excellent time of year to drink. Not as good as Easter, what with the Easter Beer Hunt and all, but still pretty awesome.

    Swedishskier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes

  11. If it gets almost the same reaction, why not just give your parents a book filled with pictures of your nipples? Though I understand your nipples may be rather difficult to donate to Toys for Tots. But you could drop off the toys, and then show your nipples, and that way you’d get the “my-God …” look twice which would make you feel twice as good. I assume.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any tax planning activities

  12. I prefer the “I totally bought this and then realized it’s so not going to work for the particular kid I had in mind because she’s not African American but Mexican and this doll, now that I got her home, is African American under the lights in my house, and I’m not sure how she fooled me while in the store” method of donating to Toys for Tots.

    Nut Nut’s last blog post..What I learned this holiday season.

  13. This year my wife and I took the money we would have spent on each other to the grocery store. We bought all non-perishables foods with it and drove it all right over to the food bank. We too received the “I just saw your nipple look” and this time my wife was able to keep her top on.

    IB’s last blog post..I Got Your Snow, Right Here!

  14. Thanks, Bloggess. I was feeling so good about myself for donating three, THREE toys to our local children’s organization, compared to two in previous years. Now I feel like Scrooge.

    Although in my defense, I will point out that when we dropped off the toys, the cupcakes the happy grateful employees gave my daughters were so messy that I had to put both the baby’s snowsuit AND my coat in the wash. So, you know, I did suffer for the children.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Reading After Lights Out

  15. Can I totally rip off your parent gift? I’ve been trying to figure out some way to surpass my brother as the shining star of the family as always evidenced by his dominating the annual “Christmas Family Update” letter.

    Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…

    ballerinatoes’s last blog post..Top Chef, The Suckiest Episode Ever

  16. Hee. We’re on the same wave length. On my last trip to New Orleans, I bought loads of cheap tacky T-shirts. Everyone gets one along with a “donation has been made in your name to Brad Pitt’s Make it Right NOLA Foundation” or “Musicians’ Village”.

    Lisa Paul’s last blog post..Announcing: Two Terrier Olive Oil!

  17. That’s a shitload of toys, yo. You’re good people, one-cheeked cancer kid rants or no (which I thought was funny but whatever.)

    Count me in on doing the Mommy Dearest thing as I enjoy spiking my cocktails with children’s tears.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..What I Learned on the F Train

  18. I think is is so nice that you picked up a few little things for those needy kids. Even though you did not get them as much stuff as I did (they had to rent a storage unit at Amberleigh’s school to hold it all, especially the 75 five foot high stuffed animals from FAO Schwartz and the two scaled down mobile homes). I wrote about it last week. I was uber generous this yr. Even gave those poor kids some free consults with my stylist!

    The book idea is excellent. I’d like to give something like this to my MIL. Although maybe it could just be a picture of me shopping with Dr. B’s $ and getting facials and pedis and stuff so she could see what good/dedicated arm candy I am.

    Your poor kid. I really hope you got her some decent stuff, and not just bargain bin toys. Like I got Amberleigh a $$$ hotel dollhouse with her very own servants! Couldn’t wait till Christmas though. She opened it today!

    Queen B Mommy’s last blog post..Amberleigh’s First Hired Help

  19. This is in no way relevant to the post but my kids’ new school nurse is your freakin’ twin.

    I contemplated taking her photo with my phone or either walking up to her and whispering, “Dead hobo fingers”. In the end, I did nothing. No surprise there.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A Holly Jolly Christmas

  20. We totally bought a bunch of goats from Heifer International or whatever for our relatives, and all of them HATED IT. We should add the book and the “raised us right” crap–nice work!

    Nora Bee’s last blog post..Snowed in

  21. Wow, how could your parents not love that Christmas present?!
    I’m cruel because the first thing I thought when reading that was I want to give some child a book like that.

    I gave my neighbours some of my homemade “creative interpretations of Christmas” cards. One had a zebra on it, and another had some crumbling buildings and fire. Because not everybody gets to hang tinsel?

  22. I decided to be charitable this year and went to the T4T website the other day to look for a drop off point. However, I am inherently lazy. When I saw that they had a “donate here” button I just gave them money. SO for all you out there thinking that you’ll do it next year since this year is too late. Just give them $$. Make the holidays wonderful AND be lazy at the same time!! The best of both worlds!

  23. You are so funny, and your commenters are all so funny, it makes me feel like I can’t comment unless I can be just as funny. But screw that, because that isn’t going to happy. And so I will just do this my way, which is to say that I just ADORE you and you are SO funny. MWAH.

    Swistle’s last blog post..Handbag

  24. This is such a good idea and I’m such a good mom, I think next year, I’ll do it to my kid. ‘Merry Christmas, Isobel. Look at all of the presents you’re not getting, but other kids are!’

    Zoeyjane’s last blog post..On Annual Traditions

  25. Pingback: Sunday Linky Love
  26. dude, i’m right there with you. every time i leave a big tip at the bar, i’m all “that five is from ME” when they count their cash. also i bought my parents a pig from heifer international this christmas, and totally used the “thanks for raising me right” line. awesome.

  27. It says a lot about your inner confidence and your talent as a writer that you could champion your own charitable efforts and engender such praise from your dedicated readers. I am sure you went all “Well, if I tell everybody about this then they’ll think I’m tooting my own horn, but if I don’t tell them then how will they ever know that I am even more awesome than they already think I am”. It was a tough choice to make, but you handled it deftly. Love how you have the profanity filter reversed for this version.

    I am waiting patiently for a new entry discussing the religiobusiness retreat.

  28. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of this idea before. It both increases my ability to defile children’s toys without feeling guilty, and it allows me to abstain from spending actual money on my parents. I’ve got all kinds of material on HeMan.

    Cat’s last blog post..100!

  29. I decided we would do that his year because I realized I (and my mom and in laws) have turned my kids in to spoiled brats by buying them too many gifts in the past.

    So realizing I’d screwed up and that i don’t want spoiled brats that expect the world handed to them on a silver platter, I figured that was the best way to fix it…(oh and of course help out others in need)

    WM’s last blog post..Seattle, we might have to break up.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: