Lions are nature’s assholes

“GO FASTER.”

When I first saw this I was all “Yeah lion, we get it.  You’re too good to walk” because this is exactly the kind of asshole move a lion would make but it turns out it’s some sort of bizarre circus act celebrating the 59th anniversary of Chinese communism because apparently China thinks lions aren’t dangerous enough.  For their 60th anniversary they’re going to put a griffin with chainsaw hands on a motorcycle.  I assume.  Good work, China.  What happens when the lion escapes from the circus and kills all your zebras?  Because you know the zebras would be standing there all “Hey, that sounds like a horse but what the fuck is on his bac-OHMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD.”  It’d basically be like the horsemen of the apocolypse but for zebras.

Update:  So apparently China doesn’t even have zebras and is forced to paint zebra stripes on ponies, probably because all their real zebras were eaten by horseback-riding lions.  I think the lesson here is that communism kills zebras and that griffins should be illegal.

Updated again:  Well apparently Griffins don’t need to be banned because they don’t actually exist.  So God only knows what the Chinese will come up with instead.  If I had to guess though I’d say it’ll probaby be a giant squid holding a flamethrower while riding a carousel.  Or an enormous ball of cobras tied to the top of a bus that will explode if it gets below 60 mph. 

I would totally pay to see that.

Comment of the day: So they paint their zebras, and they expect us to believe the pandas came like that?  They probably stopped breeding after being traumatised by lions ball sacks. ~ Stare Bear

85 replies. read them below or add one

  1. …and the horse is thinking..”they don’t pay me enough for this shit”….

    Like

  2. China needs to concentrate less on this shit and more on regulating human rights, baby formula, horses (lead paint, anyone?) and implementing other safeguards to protect their people and all us asshats who keep buying their dangerous shit.
    Whoa. Where did that come from?

    Like

  3. Can I put in a request for Yo Ming, a midget…er..dwarf…er…little person to be included in next year’s celebration?

    Bennie’s last blog post..

    Like

  4. and yes, that lion has an enormous ballsack.

    Like

  5. You’re starting to sound a lot like the guy (or woman) over at fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com Which isn’t that surprising, since I always thought he (or she) sounded a little like you.

    Like

  6. So how’s that book coming along?! haha 🙂 And wow the only ballsack I’ve seen bigger than that is on my husb…oh nevermind.

    gingela5’s last blog post..Danger Will Robinson, Danger…

    Like

  7. Wait, they seriously let lions ride horseback on… well, horses? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is that? No, no, not to the horse. To the lion. I mean, fuck… I would be severely pissed if someone made me ride a burger around a ring and told me I couldn’t eat it.

    Like

  8. So they paint their zebras, and they expect us to believe the pandas came like that?
    They probably stopped breeding after beeing traumatised by lions ball sacks.

    Like

  9. LOVE that stripes painted on horse video! I lived in China for a couple years and that is just the kind of thing certain people are always trying to pull over there. I never ate better, though, and I met so many people I’ll be proud to call friends for life.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Reading After Lights Out

    Like

  10. I’m sorry, but anyone can plainly see that lion is riding with intent. He is so whispering sweet nothings into the horse’s ear!

    He’s like ‘come on baby! I can cure your headache honest. It’s not as bad as the giraffe said…’

    Just imagine the kids! I new China was looking for something to make them famous.

    Angie Haggstrom’s last blog post..5 Reasons Why All Writers Should Use Twitter

    Like

  11. I’m still trying to calculate the ratio between the lion’s balls and paw size. I mean, do you think the giant balls are in scale with the paws, or in fact, a little on the small side? This concerns me. I mean, they’re HUGE as far as balls go, but those paws are also ENORMOUS.

    califmom’s last blog post..I Got My Xmas Wish, Too

    Like

  12. I nearly peed my pants laughing at the “OHMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD” part. Then again, since becoming a Mom, peeing my pants isn’t the humiliating event it would have been when I was younger.

    Aaaaand that’s TMI… anyway, loved the post!!

    Andi’s last blog post..True Story

    Like

  13. Happy National Day day.

    Jim Porter’s last blog post..A really big shoe

    Like

  14. and now I can’t stop looking at the lions ballsack thanks to Karen.

    And I was all ‘WTF is a griffin, is it something from Harry Potter or YouTube or something and why hasn’t anyone told me?’ but I see that they are not real.

    I totally get all my edumacation from you Jenny. Will you homeschool my kids?

    Kelley’s last blog post..My Christmas post. A long and awesome account of awesomeness. With added awesome. Awesome.

    Like

  15. I wonder what the ‘command’ for ‘jump’ would be in Chinese? I’m certainly impressed that lion’s understand Chinese. I wonder if they prefer Mandarin or Cantonese?
    Cheers
    Hoping you have a splendiferous 2009

    Maddy’s last blog post..Failing to face Fall

    Like

  16. That poor horse is about to crap in his britches. That’s just soooo wrong.

    Rhea’s last blog post..A gift that keeps on giving.

    Like

  17. And that’s why Communism has failed as a way of government. No ZEBRAS.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Twelve Guests Of Christmas 2008- Kaply, Inc Version

    Like

  18. The best part is we are selling our country to the Chinese hand over fucking fist so that we don’t have to force those asshole bazillionaires to return their bonuses. So, pretty soon we will forcing our horses to give rides to lions and other anti-American activities.

    shonda’s last blog post..Shine in 2009

    Like

  19. I have a cousin named Griffin, and he once rode a motorcycle while wielding a chainsaw.

    I’m pretty sure no harm came of it, though.

    Like

  20. China has proved to us with the earthquake and the Olympics and the whole melamine thing (what, you mean it’s NOT milk protein? Who knew?) that they are a weird country.

    The whole “the individual doesn’t matter as long as the machine keeps running” thing this year has kind of proven what I’ve long suspected: China is the Borg, waiting till we fall asleep on the bridge of life, (probably after being hypnotized by flamethrowing squids) so they can board and assimilate us.

    (And that last bit sounds a lot nastier in writing than it did in my head. I think maybe that’s caused by my subconscious mind screaming “Don’t make eye contact with the squid!!”)

    laurie’s last blog post..My Poinsettias Live!

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  21. I bet that zebra-painting guy could come up with a griffin if you slipped him a few bucks (probably involving a chicken, a cat and a bunch of duct tape).

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Hell

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  22. It’s so bizarre…I don’t even know what to say.

    JCK’s last blog post..My greatest wish is for them to be friends when they are grown

    Like

  23. Is that horse wearing jingle bells? Ummm, that kinda ruins the whole thing.

    Who can take a lion seriously if the horse he is oppressing is wearing bells?

    Rikki’s last blog post..Good Thing I Didn’t Have a Dyson When My Mom Died

    Like

  24. 24
    Just A. Reader

    This blog is so freakin’ educational. China hates horses. A bunch of cobras have the combined acting ability of Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. And knives are dangerous (http://tinyurl.com/3guykj). Who knew?

    Like

  25. 25
    Just A. Reader

    Damn. I always forget which blogs make URLs clickable and which don’t. Here. Click here.

    Like

  26. Shouldn’t there be TWO lions? You know, with one wearing a halo and one having little horns and a pitchfork?

    Obviously something got lost in the translation, AGAIN. The Chinese never get it right.

    Keely’s last blog post..Spin Cycle: It’s no secret

    Like

  27. and this is why China is actually one of my phobias. they’re just fuckin’ wrong somehow.

    Sissy’s last blog post..Pity Party

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  28. “OHMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD” ???

    Hmmm… did someone get a FarSide-of-the-day calendar for Christmas?

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Merry Christmas!

    Like

  29. Okay, now you have me all paranoid. Is that something from a FarSide cartoon? Because I haven’t read the Far Side in years but that does totally sound like something from it. Now I’m going to get sued. Awesome.

    Like

  30. did you see the set on that lion?

    Aliceson’s last blog post..Best Christmas Gifts

    Like

  31. China has sunk to new lows with this one, boy howdy. Putting a lion on a moving horse without any protective gear? He needs a hat. And a jock strap. Holy hell, it’s terrifying to think of how injured this poor fellow could get if he fell off that horse.

    I just spent way too much time photoshopping protective gear on this doomed lion, plus a big gawdy pink bow — popular in South Carolina for some obscene reason — just to add some levity, because this situation desperately needs levity. See the update here.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Sleeping with Children

    Like

  32. Jenny, it reminded me more of “Pearls Before Swine,” but if that Pastis comes for you, just tell him that you’ll stop using his copywritten material as soon as he starts spelling “a lot” correctly.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Sleeping with Children

    Like

  33. I wish I knew if the fear in that horse’s eyes was the result of the lion’s gaping mouth up in his face or that bad ass set of lion balls acting like a whip.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..would you like a gift receipt?

    Like

  34. Yes he exits. Griffin is the son of Ryan O’neal and Farah Fawcett.

    pamela’s last blog post..Smokin’ in the Garage

    Like

  35. It is posts like this one that make me despair of every having anything good enough to post on my own blog.

    nonlineargirl’s last blog post..One last thing about Chanukah

    Like

  36. Ride a horse save a cowboy lion.

    good girl gone blog’s last blog post..Rules Schmules

    Like

  37. ooops, I TRIED to use html to cross out “cowboy” but it didn’t work. 😦

    good girl gone blog’s last blog post..Rules Schmules

    Like

  38. I wonder if that horse is giving him a ride to the melamine trough?

    PearlWisdom’s last blog post..Dumbo, the Bimbo on the Bumbo (Or Lost in Manslation part 2)

    Like

  39. I assume you’ve seen the Fuck You, Penguin blog… this would be perfect for it! Fucking Lazy-Ass Lion! You’ve got four fucking legs of your own and you still insist on a goddamn horse to cart your sorry bloated balls around?!? Fuck you, Lion. You suck.

    Like

  40. Holy crap! I’m so glad I’m not the first one to mention the testies on that sucker.

    Btw, saw your comment on my page and I was like “Thats freaking AWESOME” and nearly pissed myself.

    Brandy’s last blog post..So my cat thinks the washer and dryer are evil.

    Like

  41. Griffins may not exist, but ligers are very real.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Christmas Photos

    Like

  42. I’d be a bit scared if I was that horse. You never know when you may be teabagged by a giant friggin’ lion.

    Zach Flauaus’s last blog post..Tweet-A-Thon: New Years’ Edition

    Like

  43. I can haz ball of cobras now, please?

    Like

  44. yeah but I love assholes

    but giant squids…. i can’t even bring myself to eat squid

    and you need to see this:

    the part about the local vicar has me confused

    nin’s last blog post..Landing the Wild Geese

    Like

  45. I’m just surprised that the lion isn’t wearing a top hat. That would have made this whole thing so much cooler.

    Like

  46. Why doesn’t the lion have a saddle? Don’t they teach them to ride properly in China?

    Or is it because of his jinormous sack? Thanks to all that mentioned it.. Now it’s all I can look at. Here kitty kitty!

    Like

  47. There should be a ceremony for Harold. Another silent victim in the name of science.

    Like

  48. That lion is going to have some sore bits after a long journey. Teach him to walk in the future.

    Yaya’s last blog post..Yaya’s chicken mojito

    Like

  49. Or an enormous ball of cobras tied to the top of a bus that will explode if it gets below 60 mph.

    I would totally pay to see that.

    I second the motion! That would rock!

    Sal’s last blog post..Merry Christmas

    Like

  50. I think the cobra’s should be tied to Keanu Reeves instead, because if he blew up I think the world would be a better place. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to watch his crap movies anymore.

    Like

  51. Where the hell do you find these pictures?

    And, yes. I too was too busy looking at the balls on that lion….

    tracey’s last blog post..It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood…

    Like

  52. You forgot the part about where they pay a dumbass to do nothing but stand in the ring and whip them to go FASTER. No shit. Where the fuck’s PETA when you need ’em man? Too busy writing letters to Ben & Jerry’s urging them to use human breastmilk (instead of cow’s milk) in their ice cream while China fucks with their zoo animals like theyre stuffed playthings.

    /craziness

    Cole’s last blog post..100 most popular baby names of 2008

    Like

  53. I once saw a cat riding on a dogs back–but it wasn’t near as funny as this stuff…

    PS Happy Birthday!!

    Like

  54. We The Chinese republic rebuff these statements. The only thing we find remotely worth while of your American complaints is the issue of pre pubescent teenagers against your post pubescent teenagers in the Olympic Games.

    -Sincerely, The Chinese Republic

    traci’s last blog post..Post-Holiday Wrap

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  55. “…a giant squid holding a flamethrower while riding a carousel.”

    Make that *2″ flamethrowers.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Manic Monday: just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…

    Like

  56. “Or an enormous ball of cobras tied to the top of a bus that will explode if it gets below 60 mph.”

    Or, better yet, riding Amtrak.

    M*th*f*ck*n snakes on the train.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Manic Monday: just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…

    Like

  57. I laughed so hard at this post I had a coughing fit and nearly died. So yeah, your new strapline could be: “Jenny the Bloggess- you’ll die laughing!”
    Happy birthday, Jenny!

    Like

  58. First of all, Happy Birthday!

    Second, I can almost see the blood coming out of the poor horses shoulders from where Ballsy McLion’s front paws are gripping it.

    Lions really are nature’s assholes.

    Summer’s last blog post..Popping My Snowshoeing Cherry

    Like

  59. I can’t believe they got that poor horse to actually run without freaking the fuck out. He should get a circus medal or something for that. I would totally lose my shit if there was a lion on my back.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Happy Holidays from Yo Mama

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  60. Yeah, I couldn’t even pay attention after I saw the ball sack.

    Cat’s last blog post..Mine Are Chipping Already

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  61. Dying here I am laughing so freakin’ hard.

    Domestic extraordinaire’s last blog post..Do you know what time it is?

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  62. I’m so glad I read that post and now know so much more about China.

    Petra’s last blog post..MISSION: Monday Sponsors He Blogs, She Blogs Edition 2

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  63. Say what you will about the lion, but at least he was considerate enough not to get in a position where his giant Communistic balls weren’t molesting the horse.

    Michael’s last blog post..I’m much better at taking things apart

    Like

  64. That lion’s balls would be way more awesome in a jar than your cat’s ovaries.

    Like

  65. 65
    The Original Lisa

    Maybe it was the lion’s birthday and he wanted pony rides at his party.

    Like

  66. Hmm, it’s China. Go figure.

    Happy Birthday, by the way.

    annie’s last blog post..And the Winner is?

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  67. I never knew what a griffin was until my cousin decided to name her baby Griffin so I looked it up, and then I was all, “WTF? I thought you were going to name him Norman?”

    Like

  68. Reading your blog makes me feel inadequate as a funny person. So thanks for that.

    Kelly’s last blog post..One in 3

    Like

  69. Bwa! Ha ha ahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!

    “OMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD!” I just snorted.

    Like

  70. Zebra-striped painted ponies scare me almost as much as mimes.

    Just sayin’

    Jonas’s last blog post..Lovers’ Conversation

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  71. Holy shit, dude. Could you be any funnier? I freakin’ love you.

    Like

  72. Don’t get me started on China and animal welfare…. Or on circuses….. But, I will say that Giant Squids are, indeed, terrifying!

    Haley-O’s last blog post..Hanukkah! Hanukkah! …And Francy

    Like

  73. That horse is so going to be that lion’s bitch.

    Like

  74. That picture is so crazy. At first, I thought it was some kind of bizarre mating ritual.

    the mama bird diaries’s last blog post..what happens in memphis, stays in memphis

    Like

  75. I think you’re reading it all wrong. That horse looks pretty calm to me – almost happy. And that lion looks like he’s whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Maybe the message to start melting the pot, if you know what I mean!

    Like

  76. I like Mr. Farty’s comment (#57). I have another possible suggestion:

    The Bloggess: Bigger Balls Than A Lion.

    (Because, you know…have you READ some of your own posts?)

    And also? I’m so disturbed by the photo in this post. I’ve had an eye twitch for a day now. Hence my delay commenting. HALF BLIND.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Happy Various Holidays, Um What-ers! Let’s Celebrate With Pepper Spray, Bank-Approved Auto Theft And A Black Lace Tutu!

    Like

  77. Blimey. How did they get the horse to do that? I bet they’re holding its family hostage or something. Scary. 😀

    Like

  78. I hope the lion used lube. Poor horse.

    Father Muskrat’s last blog post..a meme, an award, and a giant johnson

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  79. Lihorturducken, the traditional feast on National… Day.

    Jim Porter’s last blog post..A really big shoe

    Like

  80. If you bothered to check your fan base on Facebook you’d know that my maiden name is Griffin.

    I am so damned offended right now. Soooooooo damned offended. Yes, ma’am.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Deep Breaths

    Like

  81. And I thought my job sucked. Poor horsey.

    Where the hell is PETA when you ACTUALLY need them?

    Like

  82. I so tried the tin foil thing. It works!

    Kristin’s last blog post..Shameless Promotion of Greenling Referral Contest

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  83. […] For example: When I first saw this I was all ”Yeah lion, we get it. You’re too good to walk” because this is exactly the kind of asshole move a lion would make but it turns out it’s some sort of bizarre circus act celebrating the 59th anniversary of Chinese communism because apparently China thinks lions aren’t dangerous enough. For their 60th anniversary they’re going to put a griffin with chainsaw hands on a motorcycle. I assume. Good work, China. What happens when the lion escapes from the circus and kills all your zebras? Because you know the zebras would be standing there all “Hey, that sounds like a horse but what the fuck is on his bac-OHMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD.” It’d basically be like the horsemen of the apocolypse but for zebras. […]

    Like

  84. Great, just what we need, lions on horses. I’ll start getting REAL nervous when we start seeing sharks with lasers.
    .-= Ryan Cowles´s last blog ..Taking a Train Across the Country – Part One =-.

    Like

  85. It’s really disturbing seeing a lion try to mount a horse. Kinda disturbing like a sperm whale being masturbated by a fake cow’s vagina.

    Like

    Alitalyn recently posted Wheres My Christmas Cheer.

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