Lions are nature’s assholes

“GO FASTER.”

When I first saw this I was all “Yeah lion, we get it.  You’re too good to walk” because this is exactly the kind of asshole move a lion would make but it turns out it’s some sort of bizarre circus act celebrating the 59th anniversary of Chinese communism because apparently China thinks lions aren’t dangerous enough.  For their 60th anniversary they’re going to put a griffin with chainsaw hands on a motorcycle.  I assume.  Good work, China.  What happens when the lion escapes from the circus and kills all your zebras?  Because you know the zebras would be standing there all “Hey, that sounds like a horse but what the fuck is on his bac-OHMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD.”  It’d basically be like the horsemen of the apocolypse but for zebras.

Update:  So apparently China doesn’t even have zebras and is forced to paint zebra stripes on ponies, probably because all their real zebras were eaten by horseback-riding lions.  I think the lesson here is that communism kills zebras and that griffins should be illegal.

Updated again:  Well apparently Griffins don’t need to be banned because they don’t actually exist.  So God only knows what the Chinese will come up with instead.  If I had to guess though I’d say it’ll probaby be a giant squid holding a flamethrower while riding a carousel.  Or an enormous ball of cobras tied to the top of a bus that will explode if it gets below 60 mph. 

I would totally pay to see that.

Comment of the day: So they paint their zebras, and they expect us to believe the pandas came like that?  They probably stopped breeding after being traumatised by lions ball sacks. ~ Stare Bear

85 thoughts on “Lions are nature’s assholes

Read comments below or add one.

  1. China needs to concentrate less on this shit and more on regulating human rights, baby formula, horses (lead paint, anyone?) and implementing other safeguards to protect their people and all us asshats who keep buying their dangerous shit.
    Whoa. Where did that come from?

  2. Can I put in a request for Yo Ming, a midget…er..dwarf…er…little person to be included in next year’s celebration?

    Bennie’s last blog post..

  3. You’re starting to sound a lot like the guy (or woman) over at fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com Which isn’t that surprising, since I always thought he (or she) sounded a little like you.

  4. Wait, they seriously let lions ride horseback on… well, horses? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is that? No, no, not to the horse. To the lion. I mean, fuck… I would be severely pissed if someone made me ride a burger around a ring and told me I couldn’t eat it.

  5. So they paint their zebras, and they expect us to believe the pandas came like that?
    They probably stopped breeding after beeing traumatised by lions ball sacks.

  6. LOVE that stripes painted on horse video! I lived in China for a couple years and that is just the kind of thing certain people are always trying to pull over there. I never ate better, though, and I met so many people I’ll be proud to call friends for life.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Reading After Lights Out

  7. I’m sorry, but anyone can plainly see that lion is riding with intent. He is so whispering sweet nothings into the horse’s ear!

    He’s like ‘come on baby! I can cure your headache honest. It’s not as bad as the giraffe said…’

    Just imagine the kids! I new China was looking for something to make them famous.

    Angie Haggstrom’s last blog post..5 Reasons Why All Writers Should Use Twitter

  8. I’m still trying to calculate the ratio between the lion’s balls and paw size. I mean, do you think the giant balls are in scale with the paws, or in fact, a little on the small side? This concerns me. I mean, they’re HUGE as far as balls go, but those paws are also ENORMOUS.

    califmom’s last blog post..I Got My Xmas Wish, Too

  9. I nearly peed my pants laughing at the “OHMYGODHEJUSTATEHAROLD” part. Then again, since becoming a Mom, peeing my pants isn’t the humiliating event it would have been when I was younger.

    Aaaaand that’s TMI… anyway, loved the post!!

    Andi’s last blog post..True Story

  10. I wonder what the ‘command’ for ‘jump’ would be in Chinese? I’m certainly impressed that lion’s understand Chinese. I wonder if they prefer Mandarin or Cantonese?
    Cheers
    Hoping you have a splendiferous 2009

    Maddy’s last blog post..Failing to face Fall

  11. The best part is we are selling our country to the Chinese hand over fucking fist so that we don’t have to force those asshole bazillionaires to return their bonuses. So, pretty soon we will forcing our horses to give rides to lions and other anti-American activities.

    shonda’s last blog post..Shine in 2009

  12. I have a cousin named Griffin, and he once rode a motorcycle while wielding a chainsaw.

    I’m pretty sure no harm came of it, though.

  13. China has proved to us with the earthquake and the Olympics and the whole melamine thing (what, you mean it’s NOT milk protein? Who knew?) that they are a weird country.

    The whole “the individual doesn’t matter as long as the machine keeps running” thing this year has kind of proven what I’ve long suspected: China is the Borg, waiting till we fall asleep on the bridge of life, (probably after being hypnotized by flamethrowing squids) so they can board and assimilate us.

    (And that last bit sounds a lot nastier in writing than it did in my head. I think maybe that’s caused by my subconscious mind screaming “Don’t make eye contact with the squid!!”)

    laurie’s last blog post..My Poinsettias Live!

  14. I bet that zebra-painting guy could come up with a griffin if you slipped him a few bucks (probably involving a chicken, a cat and a bunch of duct tape).

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Hell

  15. Okay, now you have me all paranoid. Is that something from a FarSide cartoon? Because I haven’t read the Far Side in years but that does totally sound like something from it. Now I’m going to get sued. Awesome.

  16. China has sunk to new lows with this one, boy howdy. Putting a lion on a moving horse without any protective gear? He needs a hat. And a jock strap. Holy hell, it’s terrifying to think of how injured this poor fellow could get if he fell off that horse.

    I just spent way too much time photoshopping protective gear on this doomed lion, plus a big gawdy pink bow — popular in South Carolina for some obscene reason — just to add some levity, because this situation desperately needs levity. See the update here.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Sleeping with Children

  17. Jenny, it reminded me more of “Pearls Before Swine,” but if that Pastis comes for you, just tell him that you’ll stop using his copywritten material as soon as he starts spelling “a lot” correctly.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Sleeping with Children

  18. I assume you’ve seen the Fuck You, Penguin blog… this would be perfect for it! Fucking Lazy-Ass Lion! You’ve got four fucking legs of your own and you still insist on a goddamn horse to cart your sorry bloated balls around?!? Fuck you, Lion. You suck.

  19. Why doesn’t the lion have a saddle? Don’t they teach them to ride properly in China?

    Or is it because of his jinormous sack? Thanks to all that mentioned it.. Now it’s all I can look at. Here kitty kitty!

  20. Or an enormous ball of cobras tied to the top of a bus that will explode if it gets below 60 mph.

    I would totally pay to see that.

    I second the motion! That would rock!

    Sal’s last blog post..Merry Christmas

  21. I think the cobra’s should be tied to Keanu Reeves instead, because if he blew up I think the world would be a better place. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to watch his crap movies anymore.

  22. You forgot the part about where they pay a dumbass to do nothing but stand in the ring and whip them to go FASTER. No shit. Where the fuck’s PETA when you need ’em man? Too busy writing letters to Ben & Jerry’s urging them to use human breastmilk (instead of cow’s milk) in their ice cream while China fucks with their zoo animals like theyre stuffed playthings.

    /craziness

    Cole’s last blog post..100 most popular baby names of 2008

  23. We The Chinese republic rebuff these statements. The only thing we find remotely worth while of your American complaints is the issue of pre pubescent teenagers against your post pubescent teenagers in the Olympic Games.

    -Sincerely, The Chinese Republic

    traci’s last blog post..Post-Holiday Wrap

  24. I laughed so hard at this post I had a coughing fit and nearly died. So yeah, your new strapline could be: “Jenny the Bloggess- you’ll die laughing!”
    Happy birthday, Jenny!

  25. I never knew what a griffin was until my cousin decided to name her baby Griffin so I looked it up, and then I was all, “WTF? I thought you were going to name him Norman?”

  26. I think you’re reading it all wrong. That horse looks pretty calm to me – almost happy. And that lion looks like he’s whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Maybe the message to start melting the pot, if you know what I mean!

  27. I like Mr. Farty’s comment (#57). I have another possible suggestion:

    The Bloggess: Bigger Balls Than A Lion.

    (Because, you know…have you READ some of your own posts?)

    And also? I’m so disturbed by the photo in this post. I’ve had an eye twitch for a day now. Hence my delay commenting. HALF BLIND.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Happy Various Holidays, Um What-ers! Let’s Celebrate With Pepper Spray, Bank-Approved Auto Theft And A Black Lace Tutu!

  28. It’s really disturbing seeing a lion try to mount a horse. Kinda disturbing like a sperm whale being masturbated by a fake cow’s vagina.

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