If my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon.

So remember last week when my finger was swelling up and I thought it was cancer piñata?  Turns out my doctor says it’s not cancer piñata because that’s not a real disease (yet) and instead she diagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis.  The day after I officially hit my mid-thirties.  Then like 10 minutes later I got this email from Amazon:

Okay, seriously, what the fuck?!  I don’t even own season one, Amazon.  You guys are assholes.

So then I emailed Victor at his office downstairs…

Me: The doctor says the tests indicate I probably have rheumatoid arthritis.  She wants me to see a rheumatologist.

Victor:  Seriously, Isn’t that an old people disease?   

Me:  Come here and I will beat the shit out of you with my cane.

Victor:  I was coming up there but I tripped on the cord to your heating pad.

This is the reason why the elderly don’t like to use the computer.  And then right after that the head spokesperson for Chipotle sent me an email requesting that I not send them nude photos of myself.  This is like the worst week ever.

PS.  Also, I asked the doctor why I’m suddenly developing freckles and she was all “Oh, those aren’t freckles.  Those are liver spots“.  Then she kicked me in the vagina.  Figuratively.

Comment of the day: I think that RA can hit at any age so you’re okay there but when Amazon suggests Matlock there’s really no hope. I mean, you were immediately offered season two, like “Jump right in! It’s too late to start right from the beginning! You won’t live that long!” I am really sorry. ~  ColetteNicole

142 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Finally, I’m reading about a healthy marriage, even if you’ve got the Rheums.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Disney Re-Cap Coming Soon…

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  2. I’m going to hit 30 next birthday AND I’m getting married in July, which is just 4 short months before said Birthday! Am I going to have liver spots in my wedding photo’s????

    Ariel’s last blog post..Grace in Small Things

    Like

  3. Aww, it’s okay, Jenny. They make some sexy, sexy canes here: http://www.fashionablecanes.com/

    You can always play connect-the-liver-spots when you get bored!

    Kelly’s last blog post..Random Tuesday thoughts

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  4. 4
    Just A. Reader

    Just wait. In less than 15 years, AARP will start sending you mail every damn week. You’ll want to play “connect the dots” with your liver spots to spell out FUCK YOU, AARP! Except you won’t be able to connect the dots, because your arthritic hands won’t let you guide the crayon.

    Like

  5. So don’t feel bad about the whole Chipotle thing. I mean think about the fact that they are actually owned by McDonald’s. Do you think that McD’s wants most of their patrons to send them nude photos? I’m guessing not. Have you ever actually been in a McDonald’s? It’s like Wal-mart, I go there to look good.

    Betsey’s last blog post..My Son’s Deepest, Darkest Secret

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  6. that sucks. xo

    ingrid’s last blog post..what are we doing?

    Like

  7. Getting old is such a bitch. And the next time I see that bitch, I’m gonna kick her dentures in! I’ve seen her more times than is necessary over the past year and a half.

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Camera Fun

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  8. It could be worse … I’m not sure how, but I think that’s what people say in times like this. So yeah.

    Robin’s last blog post..You’d think he’d have a bug guy, too

    Like

  9. Men… not sure what else to say… sorry about the RA.

    Karen’s last blog post..A foggy morning

    Like

  10. Glad I’m not 30 yet. In fact, maybe I should quit reading your blog so I can enjoy the supple breasts and youthful skin of my mid-20s in ignorance.

    M.J.’s last blog post..Happy Fucking Hanukkah

    Like

  11. Don’t worry. Rheumatologists aren’t scary. I promise. I started seeing mine about 4 years ago when I was in college. (I’ve raynaud’s phenomenon – don’t google it. It’s kinda gross.) At least there are treatments for rheumatoid arthritis if you have it. I was told to move to a warmer climate. Boo.

    BTW – Matlock is nothing. I’m 22, and AARP is stalking me.

    Grace’s last blog post..Grey & Navy

    Like

  12. Don’t blame amazon, they probably just thought you might be interested because of your recent purchase of the complete Golden Girls collection.

    followthatdog’s last blog post..Just like mommy. (Yes I’m raising a coffee addicted grouch)

    Like

  13. Got any Depends samples in the mail, yet?

    Like

  14. Just found your blog…. ROFL… love your delivery… will return… *bookmark*

    Like

  15. My sister in law has it but she’s only like 27. So she has three years on you! And yes I’m trying to one-up you…so suck it! 🙂 Happy Birthday! 🙂 haha

    gingela5’s last blog post..This is Why I Can’t be a Stay At Home Wife…

    Like

  16. Seriously? That totally sucks, and I really mean that. My doctor thought I might have that Rumortoid thing once, because my joints were killing me, but it turns out I was over doing it on the Adkins diet and it made me achy. But this isn’t about me, actually. I’m sorry to hear your news, because Rumors are BAD. Maybe if you tell enough jokes it won’t hurt? I’m willing to read every single joke, so go for it.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Starting Something Big – Preparing for my Oprah Moment

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  17. No no. Those are beauty marks! Heating pads are nice but microwaveable spa pads are chic & any age. Inside I’m 27 (?!) and just go with it. Everything else I ignore even if my pelvic organs all fell out last year. *snork* Was told “that happens” to women over 50. Does not compute. All are back in now 😉 AARP goes directly in the trash.

    Grace’s last blog post..When the bough breaks

    Like

  18. Great. Is this what I have to look forward to??

    I just turned 30.

    I realize I have a looooong way to go before I’m at the “rheumatiod” stage. But still. It’s sad.

    Go drink some seltzer and take a nap.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..If You’re Thirty And You Know It Clap Your Hands

    Like

  19. When I visit your blog I always make sure I’ve blown my nose and swallowed any liquids recently ingested.

    Bennie’s last blog post..

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  20. damn, that’s harsh. especially so soon after the holidays. and i imagine that takes all the fun out of granny porn.

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..I’ve Seen The Enemy – He’s A Jackass

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  21. Oh, it gets better, Jenny. In another ten years you’ll sprout hair where women shouldn’t, dry up where moisture is required, “lose elasticity”, and sleep in puddles of your own sweat.

    The good thing is, you won’t really care!

    Like

  22. Eh, I’ve had RA since I was in my 20s. And I turn 35 tomorrow. And my arm is still strong enough to shake my cane at those darn kids on my lawn!

    (Disclaimer: I do not have cane, lawn, or kids)

    Like

  23. Don’t kick me in the vag, but you might want to get your hormones tested. You know, for early onset of menopause.

    ::ducks in case you decide to scoop out my brain with a spoon::

    Like

  24. ps I love that you just told all your thousands of readers that you’ve been diagnosed with rheumatiod arthritis and everyone is all “dang. that sucks.”

    Just one swift kick to the vagina after another.

    It really does suck though.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..If You’re Thirty And You Know It Clap Your Hands

    Like

  25. Victor is such a wise-ass, I really laughed hard enough so the guy on the cubicule next to me gave me the eye… I wished him cancer piñata.

    Walther’s last blog post..Alcohol Math

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  26. Just more proof that Victor is indeed your soulmate.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Sports

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  27. I was in Sephora one day and a woman gave me a sample of cream the helps reduce dark spots on your hands. I said “I don’t have dark spots on my hands.” She said “Put on your reading glasses and look.”

    Damn bitch.

    Lisa V’s last blog post..Christmas Break

    Like

  28. Oh, yeah, right. Thirties. Such a bitch. You should end it all.

    Yours truly,
    Elderly.

    GoingLikeSixty’s last blog post..Where’s the Clicker? I Got a Meme Due.

    Like

  29. You’re so lucky it’s not scurvy, or the finger plague, or knuckle cancer. Just think how much worse it COULD be. Plus I heard just the other day that 30 is the new 60 so in dog years you’re like 293. Which means it’s totally okay to fall apart.

    Karen’s last blog post..And now, for something completely different

    Like

  30. Is the RA in your index finger, or your middle finger? If the latter, you can have all sorts of fun with it (though having arthritis is no fun indeed – I think I got mine at about the same age, though.)

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Pwnership: when bad things (almost) happen to good computers

    Like

  31. Liver spots are the new black and eighty is the new seventy five so don’t worry about it.

    How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..Christmas Montage

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  32. BTW, you should probably IM this stuff to Victor – or just put it on Twitter.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Pwnership: when bad things (almost) happen to good computers

    Like

  33. Have Victor rub vanishing creme on your liver spots. Did you think I was gonna say vagina!? Please, you’re too old for that now…

    Like

  34. Did your doctor check you for the Fifth disease virus? It’s one of the childhood viruses, but adults can get it too if they didn’t in childhood.

    I just had it a couple of weeks ago and it mimics rheumatoid arthritis. Swollen, achy joints, especially in the hands, wrist, knees. My feet/ankles hurt too. Just an fyi!

    Heather, Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..And this is where insanity begins. Alternate title: What I did NOT get for Christmas

    Like

  35. Does that mean you’ve been drinking too much? Or maybe you just need to drink more!

    Like

  36. Oh, my darling, it will be ok. You don’t see me bitching about liver spots. I just get naked and let the connect-the-dot party begin…. just make sure you have a couple of puke buckets nearby…. Bring on the tequila!!

    Like

  37. Matlock season two was not as good as season one, don’t waste your social security money on it.

    will betheboy’s last blog post..The Last Holiday Post of 2008

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  38. Well, you might be getting old, but at least you’re young enough to be getting figuratively kicked in the vagina. So, you still have that, anyway.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post..It’s My Blog and I’ll Cry If I Want To

    Like

  39. RA sucks baboon butts. Here’s hoping it’s not RA but actually a freak inflamation brought on by acrobatic Jesus camp sex. Have you tried spashing some holy water on it?

    Mahala’s last blog post..Baby Snakes and Soggy Bubbles

    Like

  40. 40
    ColetteNicole

    I think that RA can hit at any age so you’re okay there but when Amazon suggests Matlock there’s really no hope. I mean, you were immediately offered season two, like “Jump right in! It’s too late to start right from the beginning! You won’t live that long!” I am really sorry.
    Have you signed up for AARP yet, Nana?

    Like

  41. 1. My husband and I email each other all the time when he is downstairs and I am upstairs. Thank God we are not the only weirdos in the world.

    2. Seriously, though. Your doctor will give you good advice and prescriptions but I take Fish Oil capsules and Glucosamine daily for my arthritis, along with a prescription medicine. You don’t realize how much it is helping until you forget to take it for a couple of days because you are too busy making (and eating) Christmas cookies and then you get this annoying pain in your hands. You can buy them anywhere. Good luck with that finger!

    Mrs. Who’s last blog post..It’s Just A Good Thing I Am Not In Charge Of Getting That Heart Transplant There On Time

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  42. Um. You can buy the supplements. Not new hands. Obviously.

    Mrs. Who’s last blog post..It’s Just A Good Thing I Am Not In Charge Of Getting That Heart Transplant There On Time

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  43. Jenny, you old fart! I liked the idea of pinata cancer finger better.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Who’s using Whom?

    Like

  44. MORE IMPORTANTLY, what the hell is the email with subject line re: (not once but TWICE) re: Where IS the chicken salad?

    Like

  45. Just great! I almost had a melt down when I started discovering gray hair and now you are telling me that my cute freckles are actually liver spots? What’s next?? My laugh lines are actually wrinkles??? Cataract surgery for my bad eyes????

    It just gets better and better doesn’t it?

    Well, thanks for making me laugh anyway.

    Summer’s last blog post..Popping My Snowshoeing Cherry

    Like

  46. Hey, I’m 22 and I’m starting to get RA. Its just genetics. The liverspots? Not yet. I guess it doesn’t help that I look like I’m thirteen.

    And at least your doctor didn’t kick you in the vagina literally. Worst. Doctor. Ever.

    Like

  47. If you want, I’ll mail you the Depends coupons that Safeway keeps printing out for me at the checkstand. Consider them a late birthday gift. Because I care.

    Miss Thystle’s last blog post..Begging for Pizza; the Sad Face Puppy Way

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  48. Also, I really feel like I need to inquire about your email that says “Re: Re: Where is the chicken salad.”

    Uh.. If it isn’t in the refrigerator, or on a sandwich, you probably have bigger problems than RA or Liverspots. No, seriously, that shit can get out of hand reeeal fast.

    Like

  49. My grandma says that old people should be offended by Matlock because he makes them look like “bumbling geezers.” She thinks that the Dick van Dyke doctor/detective and Barnaby Jones are much more competent and therefore better models of how old people should behave/solve crime.

    Like

  50. Maybe you can work on getting those liver spots to connect and then you will just have a ‘healthy’ glow about you?

    Like

  51. Fate is giving you material for a future in stand-up comedy. 🙂

    Sam Bradley’s last blog post..New Media Expert Advises: Build Brand You

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  52. i was diagnosed with the rheums in my late twenties. too much typing/mousing and masterbating, i guess. i took that medicine that they later recalled (vioxx? it worked well!!!) until i got different insurance that wouldn’t cover it for an under thirty year old. fuckers. and then it was recalled, so i couldn’t even get it from my ebay connection. double-fuckers. anyway, good luck. the toes go next.

    love ~ bad sara
    mid – thirties

    Like

  53. amazon recommended the johnny depp photographic calendar to me last year. that stung a little bit in a homophobic means

    furiousball’s last blog post..my little BWest

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  54. I live in fear of the RA. Everyone in my family has it except my bro and me. Ugh.

    But girl, liverspots are totally sexy. At least on you. Rawr.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..The Requisite Christmas Post

    Like

  55. When I was 21 (five years ago) some well-meaning (evil) Mary Kay lady bellied up to the bar where I worked (a VFW, yeah seriously) and after setting down her very first drink, she said, “I sell this great anti-aging cream that you should totally try.”

    Fuck you, lady. 21!! You’re mad that I’m 21, right? You’re trying to give me a complex so I buy your crappy cream, right? Fuck you, lady.

    Yesterday, the liquor store clerk called me ma’am (kick in the vag).

    RA is shitty. I’m sorry.

    Diana’s last blog post..I am Now Publishing on AddsYou.com

    Like

  56. Dude, we can get you one of those grabber things, which is awesome, because then you can give people the old lady pinch. Plus, you are that much closer to standing on your porch, shaking your fist and yelling at kids to get off your lawn. GOOD TIMES.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Twelve Guests Of Christmas 2008- Kaply, Inc Version

    Like

  57. I always thought a rheumatologist was a doctor who cured Feng Shui-related injuries.

    But in my defense, I also thought it was spelled “roomatologist.”

    Huh.

    Like

  58. Wait to you get closer to 40. They start removing/replacing your parts.

    califmom’s last blog post..I Got My Xmas Wish, Too

    Like

  59. I love your blog, but I really shouldn’t drink hot chocolate while reading. Damn.

    Like

  60. I know what you mean. I keep getting AARP junk mail and invitations to seminars (at Perkin’s) on how to maximize my Medicare benefits. WTF? I’m tempted to get a walker just so I can “accidentally” crush people’s toes with it. If I’m going to be treated like an old person, I might as well get some of the benefits, right?

    Oh, and you can send me the nude pics instead if you’d like. Maybe I could work them into a comic.

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Hell

    Like

  61. People who get diseases I can’t pronounce are pussies. Sorry to see that you’ve joined that club.

    Father Muskrat’s last blog post..a meme, an award, and a giant johnson

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  62. Thanks, Jenny! I thought I was having a shitty week. I’m feeling much better now.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..A Tale Of Two Sicknesses, or The White Plague

    Like

  63. That’s nothing.

    When your pubes start to turn grey, THEN you have something to worry about.

    Karen’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday (because I’m lazy)

    Like

  64. Maybe you have the pediatric form. There are over 100,000 children under the age of 16 fighting arthritis. It’s a very real and serious disease. Just tell people you have the pediatric form..

    L’s last blog post..Interview by Anissa

    Like

  65. I have rheumatism too. In fact, it’s mentioned in the blog post that I’m taking a break from writing right now.
    It’s kinda awesome because you have something to talk about when you meet someone’s grandparents or you are visiting your own at the pound (or wherever you are keeping them) and there are some really good drugs these days.

    Also, I found my first liver spot a couple months ago and I’m only 32. And I had a really long grey nosehair yesterday.

    lora’s last blog post..more me

    Like

  66. So you’re telling me I have a lot to look forward to in 10 years?

    SparklieSunShine’s last blog post..Etsy Makes Life More Beautiful*

    Like

  67. It’s when you start reminiscing “about the good old days” that you need to worry; this includes Madonna’s first leather & lace designs, blue eyeshadow, and big hair.

    Happy Thirty-Something Birthday. Just think of it as setting new standards for the future generations.

    Heather’s last blog post..The ones you make yourself hold the most meaning

    Like

  68. I would be turning 40 in 2009 had I not insisted that I actually age in reverse starting at 30. Now, I just move from 30 down to 20, then back again. So in 2009, I will turn 20. Again. And this, I am certain, is the secret to staying young.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Do you know where you’re going to?

    Like

  69. Wow, that all just came at you like a train, didn’t it? I’ll send prunes for your next birthday.

    Jim’s last blog post..He Blogs, She Blogs

    Like

  70. So tell us, grampa, what was it like fighting for the Confederates?

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean They’re Not Out To Get You

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  71. Hey, at least you get another Dr to prod and poke at you now. 🙂

    Like

  72. That’s payback for you making fun of the sick kids at Disney.

    Christy’s last blog post..Don’t mess with my tutu

    Like

  73. I received an e-mail this morning with this subject line “Sex is very important, Especially at your age”. At my age! The Hell! I am 29 people. But I am sure this is from the very same people who keep trying to send me penile enlargement products, ED products and hook me up with hot single ladies. I don’t have a penis and my husband does not like me to date!

    Sorry about the liver spots. It could be worse. She could have said it was melanoma and then kicked you in the vagina 🙂

    Like

  74. This is the best thing I’ve read all day. seriously.

    Like

  75. i’ve decided for the new year i am getting cornrows and changing my name to Tawney.

    Like

  76. Between the ages of 35 and 40 I had a hysterectomy, an appendectomy, needed to get reading glasses, started squinting to read street signs, and have become overrun with gray hairs.

    Good luck.

    Like

  77. I got arthritis when I was four, and I found my first gray hair on my 29th birthday. I guess that’s why people say I’m an old soul.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..carbohydrate extravaganza

    Like

  78. Totally off subject for this post but I think you need to see this:

    http://www.holytaco.com/if-i-die-bacon-related-death-id-it-be-because

    My arteries are clogging as I type this, but damn that looks good.

    Like

  79. NOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t tell me I have liver spots! I totally thought I was getting more freckles. Damn. My friend who colors my hair found a gray hair at 25. Maybe I should start watching reruns of Becker on TBS.

    Janna’s last blog post..8 Things I hearted in 2008

    Like

  80. […] If you know me in real life you might not want to be here.) If Jenny cant make us feel better about our impending age and the same things we have noticed, at least we have company to hang out with. And we are quite sure she isn’t afraid to chug […]

    Like

  81. Dude. I don’t have the words. I’d laugh at you, but I’m just a year or two behind you.

    Shit. That was heartless.

    Um, should I send amends in the form of a muscular pool boy who loves cougars with liver spots?

    Color it done.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Tempur-Pedic Has Ruined My Life

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  82. I’m in my forties … and no liver spots. Just thought I’d make you feel REAL GOOD about your aging process! But seriously, even if you have to start wearing flannel PJs every night to hide your aging body, men will still find you AMAZINGLY sexy. I’m sure of it.

    Like

  83. Oh that sucks. On the other hand, with a cane, a webcam, and some Matlock Season II, I foresee some kind of niche dominatrix spot for you at the lovely income of $3.99 a minute.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..Personal Boundaries Question: Ransacked Panty Edition

    Like

  84. Once you get the Rheums the doctors have to kick you in the vagina. It is like their oath or something. Helps to keep the blood flowing. And remove the cobwebs.

    Send the naked pics to me. I could do with a laugh.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Happy New Year! Early. Cause I am all about being first.

    Like

  85. So, does this mean you are not enjoying the box set of “Murder, She Wrote” that I sent you for your birthday?

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..The Things You Say

    Like

  86. You feel old? I am 23 and my family has given up on me getting a man because I am not yet married. My cousin (just 2 weeks older than me) has a 5 year old son, a hubby, and looks at me with pity. At this point, my parents are crossing their fingers for a love child, since I am basically too old and shriveled to attract a husband.

    Oh, and I’m from the South, but I feel like after that first part this is just redundant.

    Like

  87. Dude, I’m trying not to laugh…but I’m just sick and twisted and well stop making serious shit funny and then I won’t do it.

    On another note, I work for a non-profit that does scientific research and one of the focuses is rheumatoid arthritis. I will tell them to speed up the research especially now that Jenny has been diagnosed.

    WM’s last blog post..C’mere, I wanna tell you a little secret

    Like

  88. Auto-immune diseases suck out loud. However, RA and my disease, MS, are more prevalent in the upper classes. And, you think you’re old? I have varicose veins on my labia.
    On.
    My.
    LABIA.
    Oh, and I got my first liver spot from being out in the sun on a rock band cruise.

    TheQueen’s last blog post..Vista

    Like

  89. GET!! OUT!!

    Did you know you’re a finalist for “Best Humor” blog on the 2008 Weblogs?

    YOU GO, GIRL…!! Congratulations!

    Even if you’ve got one foot in the grave…;)

    Like

  90. Mmmmm, chicken salad.

    You’re old, I’m fat, and the internet is a horrible, horrible place.

    Joey’s last blog post..It’s funny cause they’re for children

    Like

  91. &…Best Very Large Blog!!

    But is that a back-handed compliment? Is someone sayin’ your butt looks fat in those pants?

    Hope this makes up for some of the crap from the past year…:)

    Like

  92. OMFG. “The internet is a horrible, horrible place” was comment number 88. Need I offer any further proof?!

    NAY.

    Joey’s last blog post..It’s funny cause they’re for children

    Like

  93. Thank you. You always make me laugh (and piss my pants…just a little)

    Jen @ Mommay’s Mayhem’s last blog post..New Years Eve plans

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  94. Enough of all the old age talk – just where is the chicken salad????

    Janine’s last blog post..Damien. Or is that Daemon? I really don’t think there is a difference.

    Like

  95. How very rude of Chipotle to request such a thing! You can send them to me.

    Brandy’s last blog post..Resolutions Require Solutions…Blah!

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  96. Geez, you old bag. Open a window–there’s so much smoke in the air from burning martyr.

    Mary’s last blog post..This Post Will Make You Fat

    Like

  97. On a serious note, which is usually not my style, have you been tested for gout? It sounds like it and it can attack you in one place. My brother in law got it in his toe. It’s a build up of uric acid crystals, which, ahem, can happen from consuming alcohol. Don’t worry, though, my brother in law still drinks alcohol. I’ve also read that the medicine they use for gout can be used to mutate marijuana plants, but you have to know what you’re doing or you could poison yourself.

    Like

  98. That is not to say I would know what I’m doing.

    Like

  99. Gout, liver spots, arthritis, Matlock and chicken salad all in one post???? Holy cannoli, Jenny.

    On the other hand, you know, the one with all the working fingers?, you can save a ton on coloring books for Hailey now. Maybe she could even learn her constellations by playing dot to dot.

    Sandy’s last blog post..Car Conversations

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  100. dude, your husband is like 16% funnier than you today. Is the liver spots sucking out some of your funny? Would be a shame!! Grace & Peace & Youth, daphne

    Like

  101. I turn 34 next month. Is this what I have to look forward to?

    AWESOME.

    Like

  102. I totally see you as the face of Porcelana skin cream. Of course you’ll need a little work done first, but nothing major.

    Marinka’s last blog post..As You Probably Know, I Have Model-Good Looks

    Like

  103. Actually, it is osteoarthritis that shows up as you age. Rheumatoid is an auto-immune disorder, so you can get it at any age. It’s not a sign of aging.

    The liver spots? Yeah. My skin doc broke that news to me because I was sure I had skin cancer or something.

    It’s better to know what things are. You can deal better with facts than with worry.

    You are not old. I am old and I am assured by my seniors that I am still just a babe (literally as far as the husband is concerned).

    Feel better.

    annie’s last blog post..And the Winner is?

    Like

  104. I love you, Jenny. And I love the hilarity that you bring out in others.

    On a non-suck-up note: do not believe the doctor about the RA until you have taken a very serious, methodical look at your nutrition and thrown out the sugar–in all its forms–white flour, processed and/or packaged foods, and done an elimination diet to see if you have developed an allergy to any specific foods. It takes time and effort but it’s a lot less expensive,painful, and annoying than taking meds for RA, believe me. And nutritional supplements do help.

    The liver spots are now all over my face, in addition to my hands, thanks to the Estradiol and Prometrium I take to combat hormone-deficiency-induced madness, sleeplessness, and hot flashes. Things could, indeed, be worse. Take the nutritional approach before you agree to take any of the AMA meds. And keep your vagina away from other people’s feet, for Christ’s sake!

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Merry Christmas, Queridos!

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  105. So did you have to swing your boobs out of the way to get kicked in the vag? That’s the true sign of getting old, when you can tuck your boobs into your pants.

    Like

  106. Hey dude, earlier this year I found out there’s a tumor on my brain. That’s right. A tumor. It’s benign though, non-cancerous but the thing is…its still some alien shit growing on my brain and the kicker? I’m 21.

    Your RA ain’t got shit on my brain tumor.

    the Constantly Dramatic One’s last blog post..My mama always say, stupid is as stupid does….

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  107. I agree with @La Framéricaine. Don’t believe those doctors just yet. And please, don’t start google google RA. It’ll depress you.

    I got diagnosed with RA but then I went to a specialist who told me that my Doctor was smoking crack. But it take effing forever to get an appointment with a specialist and I spent about 2.5 months stewing about it and freaking myself out.

    If you do have it, changes in your diet can do remarkable things. 🙂

    Giyen’s last blog post..I Don’t Like My Kid’s Friends

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  108. Well, I was diagnosed with RA at 27, so I beat you. How ’bout that?!? Growing old fucking sucks.

    shonda’s last blog post..I Screwed Up And Let Both My Kids Become Obsessed with Thomas

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  109. All this senior citizen chatter casts a whole new light on the Jesus Camp sexy sex post from a few days ago.

    Holmes’s last blog post..365 # 126: Beth M.T.

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  110. How come Chipotle doesn’t get that Naked Bloggess = Burrito Costume. Stupid dummies.

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  111. That really stinks about the arthritis. And getting kicked in the grille. Nothing says, “WAKE UP AND SMELL THE VODKA!!” faster and more brutally than liver spots….

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  112. Youtube just recommended I watch a female circumcision and I thought of you.

    P.S. Happy Birthday even though it’s over now.

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  113. I’ve gotten kicked in my vagina a few too many times lately.

    Hope you don’t have rheumatoid arthritis.

    Happy New Year to you, wild woman!

    JCK’s last blog post..And then the Doctor reels backwards toward JCK’s open chart and double-checks JCK’s age.

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  114. So I was (incorrectly) diagnosed with RA when I was in my early 20’s and was treated for it for a while until the treatments didn’t work and then the rheumatologist figured out what was really wrong with me. Turns out it was equally bad, but it wasn’t RA, so hang onto the hope that you have something else equally bad or worse. Oh, and if you want another kick in the vagina, I may have all sorts of icky autoimmune diseases, but I totally don’t have any liver spots.

    Seriously, though, I hope everything turns out okay for you.

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  115. Oh, I think that kick may have been more than figurative.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Trips to Plan/People to Visit: 2009 Edition

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  116. Sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but at least you dodged a bullet and don’t have “rheumatoid vagina”. I’d be afraid to catch it if I kicked you, you know, there.

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  117. Well that’s just poopy.

    Wendy’s last blog post..He Said It, Not Me

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  118. 118
    Steven Griscz

    Neuropsychologists say that ‘we don’t have one brain. We have three–one that is human, built over another that is mammalian, built over yet another that’s reptilian. So, when a psychiatrist asks you to lie down on the couch, you’re being asked to lie down with a horse and with a crocodile.

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  119. The ROFL awards counteract it. That makes you look 14.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Unfortunately, pants

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  120. Ew, RA sucks a big one. I’m 27 and I’ve been dealing with it for the last 8 years. I hope your doctor is wrong because the old lady-ness only gets worse. Just wait till you buy your first pair of orthopedic sandals.

    Jen’s last blog post..Bucking up.

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  121. Are you sure they kicked your vagina or did they just trip over it? You should probably check into that 🙂

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  122. I can see your lips moving, but can’t hear you. Would you please turn up your hearing aid?

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  123. So, where exactly was the chicken salad?

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..Goodbye 2008, you stupid bitch.

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  124. My doctor told me just changing environments (and warmer weather) would MAYBE meake a difference. We moved and it did. It is not that much warmer where we moved, but it is significantly dryer. No more pills or real pains yet.

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  125. 125
    Just A. Reader

    I was just thinking, Jenny, and we all know what a mistake that is. Do you think your arthritic cancer piñata finger could be a late effect of Parvo?

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  126. Look on the bright side… having the arthur-itis means that you may eat ALL the gin-soaked raisins you want, anytime you want.

    Seriously. I know this because I read the old-people’s medical Q&A column in the local newspaper.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A Duke’s Christmas

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  127. I was going to leave a funny response…about what Matlock would do with your liver and a paper clip…but there are too many other comments and I dont’ want to read them all to see if someone else already said it. Whatev.

    PS. you could totally sell your liver on the blackmarket.

    Like

  128. Dude, RA is a total bitch.

    flutter’s last blog post..My new job

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  129. First, your humor will stand you in good stead for a long long time. As long as you are laughing every day (and developing laugh lines), other icky things tend to not seem so bad. The 30s suck physically, but they are so wonderful in every other way!

    Second, if your doc tested you for RH factor and you have it, listen to the doc and start treatments. If you don’t have a positive RH, then look at other options. Early and good treatment helps (trust me).

    What helps most is the humor and laughter. Which is, of course, why I read your blog.:)

    (almost 42 and still doing what the docs said I couldn’t)

    B J Keltz’s last blog post..Resolutions

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  130. you make the worst news into funny drink spewing laughter which is why I like to read you so so much

    Like

  131. I don’t even know what to say. Prolly because my hot-flashes are burning my brain. And I’m 36. Shit.

    hey – I know what could make this fun! Let’s plan a time to have a cane fight… while we’re in our wheelchairs… but don’t throw your false teeth to get an edge on me – biting is against the rules.

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..Can I Get a Whutwhut?!

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  132. My hubby has terrible rheumatoid arthritis. It’s crippling on his bad days. And he’s 35. That doesn’t stop me from telling him to get off his crippled ass and get me something to drink =) That doesn’t make me a bad wife does it?

    Tiffany’s last blog post..What Celeb Would You Do?

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  133. I like to have fell over dead about 3 weeks past my 39th birthday from all the age related crap…age spots…liver spots…whatever..then I got mono right before I turned 40 which makes me think I might be aging backwards because “hey isn’t that a teenage kissing disease”…bah, it was awful!

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Day 3, The Last Vacation of 2008 – Little Snow

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  134. I have RA and I’m 32. Matlock is wrong at ANY age!

    Jennifer A’s last blog post..We interrupt this year end celebration to bring you this

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  135. If you can’t discuss midget porn on a business proposal, who can?

    I actually googled Bullet McCoy and couldn’t find him. I think you are toying with us by not divulging his real name. Is it because you want to keep him to yourself?
    Not a team player, Jenny!

    Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..At Least This Year There Were Fireworks.

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  136. I seriously laughed so hard I cried. And peed myself a little.

    Speaking of peeing on myself a little, that’s because I was pregnant. That’s what my doctor told me, anyway. Bladder control lessens, blah blah blah. She also told me that’s why I got a liver spot on my face. I figured them both to go away after I gave birth to said child, but neither did. Jerks–the lot of ’em, the doctor, kid, bladder, and liver spot.

    singleworkingmommy’s last blog post..Happy New Year!

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  137. You know, I’m wildly surprised Amazon thought you knew how to work (or even owned) a DVD player. You know you old people’s reputations with the gadgets!

    Like

  138. Jen,
    Go to an acupuncturist and/or a naturopath and you’ll be way ahead of the game before arthritis advances.
    But you want to be proactive about it, since the synovial lining of joints can be compromised if untreated.
    First thing you might want to do is start drinking some dandelion tea daily—-it’s bitter but works. It’s a powerful liver tonifier. So is Silymarin from the milk thistle plant. Capsules are available.

    Like

  139. […] The Bloggess *UPDATED* I’m starting to question why I even have minions to begin with.If I were you I wouldn’t read this.The time I got disqualified for an award moments after it was announced.This is one of those posts about how you can make money off your blog but instead of money you get a coupon for a burritoIf my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon. […]

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  140. […] If you know me in real life you might not want to be here.) If Jenny cant make us feel better about our impending age and the same things we have noticed, at least we have company to hang out with. And we are quite sure she isn’t afraid to chug vodka […]

    Like

  141. I was diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, which is RA, Lupus (SLE), scleroderma and myositis combined, but I haven’t been on the real heavy duty stuff for that yet even though I was diagnosed about 15 years ago. But I take so many meds for the MCTD and my fucked up brain that my body parts will probably stay perfectly preserved for years when I die.

    Like

    Kayly Newcomer recently posted Always Remember.

  142. I, too, have the rheums. I was diagnosed in my late teens, which means I totally win. Neener neener neener. But my aunt was diagnosed at 14 and killed herself last Christmas, so I guess she wins more. Bitch. Anyway, I’m commenting on a really old post because I have been systematically reading all of your posts since my friend from vet school sent me a link to the one about Beyonce on the front porch. I told my husband I wanted to marry you, but he said I can’t because Montana doesn’t allow that, and also that I am not qualified to comment on blogs since the most technologically-advanced piece of equipment I know how to operate outside of work is the lawnmower. I have now started my own form of blogging that involves talking really loud while mowing the lawn. Our lawn is really fucking mowed right now.

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