If my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon.

So remember last week when my finger was swelling up and I thought it was cancer piñata?  Turns out my doctor says it’s not cancer piñata because that’s not a real disease (yet) and instead she diagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis.  The day after I officially hit my mid-thirties.  Then like 10 minutes later I got this email from Amazon:

Okay, seriously, what the fuck?!  I don’t even own season one, Amazon.  You guys are assholes.

So then I emailed Victor at his office downstairs…

Me: The doctor says the tests indicate I probably have rheumatoid arthritis.  She wants me to see a rheumatologist.

Victor:  Seriously, Isn’t that an old people disease?   

Me:  Come here and I will beat the shit out of you with my cane.

Victor:  I was coming up there but I tripped on the cord to your heating pad.

This is the reason why the elderly don’t like to use the computer.  And then right after that the head spokesperson for Chipotle sent me an email requesting that I not send them nude photos of myself.  This is like the worst week ever.

PS.  Also, I asked the doctor why I’m suddenly developing freckles and she was all “Oh, those aren’t freckles.  Those are liver spots“.  Then she kicked me in the vagina.  Figuratively.

Comment of the day: I think that RA can hit at any age so you’re okay there but when Amazon suggests Matlock there’s really no hope. I mean, you were immediately offered season two, like “Jump right in! It’s too late to start right from the beginning! You won’t live that long!” I am really sorry. ~  ColetteNicole

142 thoughts on “If my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Just wait. In less than 15 years, AARP will start sending you mail every damn week. You’ll want to play “connect the dots” with your liver spots to spell out FUCK YOU, AARP! Except you won’t be able to connect the dots, because your arthritic hands won’t let you guide the crayon.

  2. So don’t feel bad about the whole Chipotle thing. I mean think about the fact that they are actually owned by McDonald’s. Do you think that McD’s wants most of their patrons to send them nude photos? I’m guessing not. Have you ever actually been in a McDonald’s? It’s like Wal-mart, I go there to look good.

    Betsey’s last blog post..My Son’s Deepest, Darkest Secret

  3. Don’t worry. Rheumatologists aren’t scary. I promise. I started seeing mine about 4 years ago when I was in college. (I’ve raynaud’s phenomenon – don’t google it. It’s kinda gross.) At least there are treatments for rheumatoid arthritis if you have it. I was told to move to a warmer climate. Boo.

    BTW – Matlock is nothing. I’m 22, and AARP is stalking me.

    Grace’s last blog post..Grey & Navy

  4. Seriously? That totally sucks, and I really mean that. My doctor thought I might have that Rumortoid thing once, because my joints were killing me, but it turns out I was over doing it on the Adkins diet and it made me achy. But this isn’t about me, actually. I’m sorry to hear your news, because Rumors are BAD. Maybe if you tell enough jokes it won’t hurt? I’m willing to read every single joke, so go for it.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Starting Something Big – Preparing for my Oprah Moment

  5. No no. Those are beauty marks! Heating pads are nice but microwaveable spa pads are chic & any age. Inside I’m 27 (?!) and just go with it. Everything else I ignore even if my pelvic organs all fell out last year. *snork* Was told “that happens” to women over 50. Does not compute. All are back in now 😉 AARP goes directly in the trash.

    Grace’s last blog post..When the bough breaks

  6. When I visit your blog I always make sure I’ve blown my nose and swallowed any liquids recently ingested.

    Bennie’s last blog post..

  7. Oh, it gets better, Jenny. In another ten years you’ll sprout hair where women shouldn’t, dry up where moisture is required, “lose elasticity”, and sleep in puddles of your own sweat.

    The good thing is, you won’t really care!

  8. Eh, I’ve had RA since I was in my 20s. And I turn 35 tomorrow. And my arm is still strong enough to shake my cane at those darn kids on my lawn!

    (Disclaimer: I do not have cane, lawn, or kids)

  9. Don’t kick me in the vag, but you might want to get your hormones tested. You know, for early onset of menopause.

    ::ducks in case you decide to scoop out my brain with a spoon::

  10. I was in Sephora one day and a woman gave me a sample of cream the helps reduce dark spots on your hands. I said “I don’t have dark spots on my hands.” She said “Put on your reading glasses and look.”

    Damn bitch.

    Lisa V’s last blog post..Christmas Break

  11. Have Victor rub vanishing creme on your liver spots. Did you think I was gonna say vagina!? Please, you’re too old for that now…

  12. Did your doctor check you for the Fifth disease virus? It’s one of the childhood viruses, but adults can get it too if they didn’t in childhood.

    I just had it a couple of weeks ago and it mimics rheumatoid arthritis. Swollen, achy joints, especially in the hands, wrist, knees. My feet/ankles hurt too. Just an fyi!

    Heather, Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..And this is where insanity begins. Alternate title: What I did NOT get for Christmas

  13. Oh, my darling, it will be ok. You don’t see me bitching about liver spots. I just get naked and let the connect-the-dot party begin…. just make sure you have a couple of puke buckets nearby…. Bring on the tequila!!

  14. I think that RA can hit at any age so you’re okay there but when Amazon suggests Matlock there’s really no hope. I mean, you were immediately offered season two, like “Jump right in! It’s too late to start right from the beginning! You won’t live that long!” I am really sorry.
    Have you signed up for AARP yet, Nana?

  15. 1. My husband and I email each other all the time when he is downstairs and I am upstairs. Thank God we are not the only weirdos in the world.

    2. Seriously, though. Your doctor will give you good advice and prescriptions but I take Fish Oil capsules and Glucosamine daily for my arthritis, along with a prescription medicine. You don’t realize how much it is helping until you forget to take it for a couple of days because you are too busy making (and eating) Christmas cookies and then you get this annoying pain in your hands. You can buy them anywhere. Good luck with that finger!

    Mrs. Who’s last blog post..It’s Just A Good Thing I Am Not In Charge Of Getting That Heart Transplant There On Time

  16. Just great! I almost had a melt down when I started discovering gray hair and now you are telling me that my cute freckles are actually liver spots? What’s next?? My laugh lines are actually wrinkles??? Cataract surgery for my bad eyes????

    It just gets better and better doesn’t it?

    Well, thanks for making me laugh anyway.

    Summer’s last blog post..Popping My Snowshoeing Cherry

  17. Hey, I’m 22 and I’m starting to get RA. Its just genetics. The liverspots? Not yet. I guess it doesn’t help that I look like I’m thirteen.

    And at least your doctor didn’t kick you in the vagina literally. Worst. Doctor. Ever.

  18. Also, I really feel like I need to inquire about your email that says “Re: Re: Where is the chicken salad.”

    Uh.. If it isn’t in the refrigerator, or on a sandwich, you probably have bigger problems than RA or Liverspots. No, seriously, that shit can get out of hand reeeal fast.

  19. My grandma says that old people should be offended by Matlock because he makes them look like “bumbling geezers.” She thinks that the Dick van Dyke doctor/detective and Barnaby Jones are much more competent and therefore better models of how old people should behave/solve crime.

  20. Maybe you can work on getting those liver spots to connect and then you will just have a ‘healthy’ glow about you?

  21. i was diagnosed with the rheums in my late twenties. too much typing/mousing and masterbating, i guess. i took that medicine that they later recalled (vioxx? it worked well!!!) until i got different insurance that wouldn’t cover it for an under thirty year old. fuckers. and then it was recalled, so i couldn’t even get it from my ebay connection. double-fuckers. anyway, good luck. the toes go next.

    love ~ bad sara
    mid – thirties

  22. When I was 21 (five years ago) some well-meaning (evil) Mary Kay lady bellied up to the bar where I worked (a VFW, yeah seriously) and after setting down her very first drink, she said, “I sell this great anti-aging cream that you should totally try.”

    Fuck you, lady. 21!! You’re mad that I’m 21, right? You’re trying to give me a complex so I buy your crappy cream, right? Fuck you, lady.

    Yesterday, the liquor store clerk called me ma’am (kick in the vag).

    RA is shitty. I’m sorry.

    Diana’s last blog post..I am Now Publishing on AddsYou.com

  23. I always thought a rheumatologist was a doctor who cured Feng Shui-related injuries.

    But in my defense, I also thought it was spelled “roomatologist.”

    Huh.

  24. I know what you mean. I keep getting AARP junk mail and invitations to seminars (at Perkin’s) on how to maximize my Medicare benefits. WTF? I’m tempted to get a walker just so I can “accidentally” crush people’s toes with it. If I’m going to be treated like an old person, I might as well get some of the benefits, right?

    Oh, and you can send me the nude pics instead if you’d like. Maybe I could work them into a comic.

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Hell

  25. Maybe you have the pediatric form. There are over 100,000 children under the age of 16 fighting arthritis. It’s a very real and serious disease. Just tell people you have the pediatric form..

    L’s last blog post..Interview by Anissa

  26. I have rheumatism too. In fact, it’s mentioned in the blog post that I’m taking a break from writing right now.
    It’s kinda awesome because you have something to talk about when you meet someone’s grandparents or you are visiting your own at the pound (or wherever you are keeping them) and there are some really good drugs these days.

    Also, I found my first liver spot a couple months ago and I’m only 32. And I had a really long grey nosehair yesterday.

    lora’s last blog post..more me

  27. I received an e-mail this morning with this subject line “Sex is very important, Especially at your age”. At my age! The Hell! I am 29 people. But I am sure this is from the very same people who keep trying to send me penile enlargement products, ED products and hook me up with hot single ladies. I don’t have a penis and my husband does not like me to date!

    Sorry about the liver spots. It could be worse. She could have said it was melanoma and then kicked you in the vagina 🙂

  28. Between the ages of 35 and 40 I had a hysterectomy, an appendectomy, needed to get reading glasses, started squinting to read street signs, and have become overrun with gray hairs.

    Good luck.

  29. NOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t tell me I have liver spots! I totally thought I was getting more freckles. Damn. My friend who colors my hair found a gray hair at 25. Maybe I should start watching reruns of Becker on TBS.

    Janna’s last blog post..8 Things I hearted in 2008

  30. I’m in my forties … and no liver spots. Just thought I’d make you feel REAL GOOD about your aging process! But seriously, even if you have to start wearing flannel PJs every night to hide your aging body, men will still find you AMAZINGLY sexy. I’m sure of it.

  31. You feel old? I am 23 and my family has given up on me getting a man because I am not yet married. My cousin (just 2 weeks older than me) has a 5 year old son, a hubby, and looks at me with pity. At this point, my parents are crossing their fingers for a love child, since I am basically too old and shriveled to attract a husband.

    Oh, and I’m from the South, but I feel like after that first part this is just redundant.

  32. Dude, I’m trying not to laugh…but I’m just sick and twisted and well stop making serious shit funny and then I won’t do it.

    On another note, I work for a non-profit that does scientific research and one of the focuses is rheumatoid arthritis. I will tell them to speed up the research especially now that Jenny has been diagnosed.

    WM’s last blog post..C’mere, I wanna tell you a little secret

  33. Auto-immune diseases suck out loud. However, RA and my disease, MS, are more prevalent in the upper classes. And, you think you’re old? I have varicose veins on my labia.
    On.
    My.
    LABIA.
    Oh, and I got my first liver spot from being out in the sun on a rock band cruise.

    TheQueen’s last blog post..Vista

  34. GET!! OUT!!

    Did you know you’re a finalist for “Best Humor” blog on the 2008 Weblogs?

    YOU GO, GIRL…!! Congratulations!

    Even if you’ve got one foot in the grave…;)

  35. &…Best Very Large Blog!!

    But is that a back-handed compliment? Is someone sayin’ your butt looks fat in those pants?

    Hope this makes up for some of the crap from the past year…:)

  36. On a serious note, which is usually not my style, have you been tested for gout? It sounds like it and it can attack you in one place. My brother in law got it in his toe. It’s a build up of uric acid crystals, which, ahem, can happen from consuming alcohol. Don’t worry, though, my brother in law still drinks alcohol. I’ve also read that the medicine they use for gout can be used to mutate marijuana plants, but you have to know what you’re doing or you could poison yourself.

  37. Gout, liver spots, arthritis, Matlock and chicken salad all in one post???? Holy cannoli, Jenny.

    On the other hand, you know, the one with all the working fingers?, you can save a ton on coloring books for Hailey now. Maybe she could even learn her constellations by playing dot to dot.

    Sandy’s last blog post..Car Conversations

  38. dude, your husband is like 16% funnier than you today. Is the liver spots sucking out some of your funny? Would be a shame!! Grace & Peace & Youth, daphne

  39. Actually, it is osteoarthritis that shows up as you age. Rheumatoid is an auto-immune disorder, so you can get it at any age. It’s not a sign of aging.

    The liver spots? Yeah. My skin doc broke that news to me because I was sure I had skin cancer or something.

    It’s better to know what things are. You can deal better with facts than with worry.

    You are not old. I am old and I am assured by my seniors that I am still just a babe (literally as far as the husband is concerned).

    Feel better.

    annie’s last blog post..And the Winner is?

  40. I love you, Jenny. And I love the hilarity that you bring out in others.

    On a non-suck-up note: do not believe the doctor about the RA until you have taken a very serious, methodical look at your nutrition and thrown out the sugar–in all its forms–white flour, processed and/or packaged foods, and done an elimination diet to see if you have developed an allergy to any specific foods. It takes time and effort but it’s a lot less expensive,painful, and annoying than taking meds for RA, believe me. And nutritional supplements do help.

    The liver spots are now all over my face, in addition to my hands, thanks to the Estradiol and Prometrium I take to combat hormone-deficiency-induced madness, sleeplessness, and hot flashes. Things could, indeed, be worse. Take the nutritional approach before you agree to take any of the AMA meds. And keep your vagina away from other people’s feet, for Christ’s sake!

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Merry Christmas, Queridos!

  41. So did you have to swing your boobs out of the way to get kicked in the vag? That’s the true sign of getting old, when you can tuck your boobs into your pants.

  42. I agree with @La Framéricaine. Don’t believe those doctors just yet. And please, don’t start google google RA. It’ll depress you.

    I got diagnosed with RA but then I went to a specialist who told me that my Doctor was smoking crack. But it take effing forever to get an appointment with a specialist and I spent about 2.5 months stewing about it and freaking myself out.

    If you do have it, changes in your diet can do remarkable things. 🙂

    Giyen’s last blog post..I Don’t Like My Kid’s Friends

  43. That really stinks about the arthritis. And getting kicked in the grille. Nothing says, “WAKE UP AND SMELL THE VODKA!!” faster and more brutally than liver spots….

  44. Youtube just recommended I watch a female circumcision and I thought of you.

    P.S. Happy Birthday even though it’s over now.

  45. So I was (incorrectly) diagnosed with RA when I was in my early 20’s and was treated for it for a while until the treatments didn’t work and then the rheumatologist figured out what was really wrong with me. Turns out it was equally bad, but it wasn’t RA, so hang onto the hope that you have something else equally bad or worse. Oh, and if you want another kick in the vagina, I may have all sorts of icky autoimmune diseases, but I totally don’t have any liver spots.

    Seriously, though, I hope everything turns out okay for you.

  46. Sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but at least you dodged a bullet and don’t have “rheumatoid vagina”. I’d be afraid to catch it if I kicked you, you know, there.

  47. Neuropsychologists say that ‘we don’t have one brain. We have three–one that is human, built over another that is mammalian, built over yet another that’s reptilian. So, when a psychiatrist asks you to lie down on the couch, you’re being asked to lie down with a horse and with a crocodile.

  48. Ew, RA sucks a big one. I’m 27 and I’ve been dealing with it for the last 8 years. I hope your doctor is wrong because the old lady-ness only gets worse. Just wait till you buy your first pair of orthopedic sandals.

    Jen’s last blog post..Bucking up.

  49. Are you sure they kicked your vagina or did they just trip over it? You should probably check into that 🙂

  50. My doctor told me just changing environments (and warmer weather) would MAYBE meake a difference. We moved and it did. It is not that much warmer where we moved, but it is significantly dryer. No more pills or real pains yet.

  51. I was just thinking, Jenny, and we all know what a mistake that is. Do you think your arthritic cancer piñata finger could be a late effect of Parvo?

  52. Look on the bright side… having the arthur-itis means that you may eat ALL the gin-soaked raisins you want, anytime you want.

    Seriously. I know this because I read the old-people’s medical Q&A column in the local newspaper.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A Duke’s Christmas

  53. I was going to leave a funny response…about what Matlock would do with your liver and a paper clip…but there are too many other comments and I dont’ want to read them all to see if someone else already said it. Whatev.

    PS. you could totally sell your liver on the blackmarket.

  54. First, your humor will stand you in good stead for a long long time. As long as you are laughing every day (and developing laugh lines), other icky things tend to not seem so bad. The 30s suck physically, but they are so wonderful in every other way!

    Second, if your doc tested you for RH factor and you have it, listen to the doc and start treatments. If you don’t have a positive RH, then look at other options. Early and good treatment helps (trust me).

    What helps most is the humor and laughter. Which is, of course, why I read your blog.:)

    (almost 42 and still doing what the docs said I couldn’t)

    B J Keltz’s last blog post..Resolutions

  55. you make the worst news into funny drink spewing laughter which is why I like to read you so so much

  56. I don’t even know what to say. Prolly because my hot-flashes are burning my brain. And I’m 36. Shit.

    hey – I know what could make this fun! Let’s plan a time to have a cane fight… while we’re in our wheelchairs… but don’t throw your false teeth to get an edge on me – biting is against the rules.

    jennyonthespot’s last blog post..Can I Get a Whutwhut?!

  57. My hubby has terrible rheumatoid arthritis. It’s crippling on his bad days. And he’s 35. That doesn’t stop me from telling him to get off his crippled ass and get me something to drink =) That doesn’t make me a bad wife does it?

    Tiffany’s last blog post..What Celeb Would You Do?

  58. I like to have fell over dead about 3 weeks past my 39th birthday from all the age related crap…age spots…liver spots…whatever..then I got mono right before I turned 40 which makes me think I might be aging backwards because “hey isn’t that a teenage kissing disease”…bah, it was awful!

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Day 3, The Last Vacation of 2008 – Little Snow

  59. I seriously laughed so hard I cried. And peed myself a little.

    Speaking of peeing on myself a little, that’s because I was pregnant. That’s what my doctor told me, anyway. Bladder control lessens, blah blah blah. She also told me that’s why I got a liver spot on my face. I figured them both to go away after I gave birth to said child, but neither did. Jerks–the lot of ’em, the doctor, kid, bladder, and liver spot.

    singleworkingmommy’s last blog post..Happy New Year!

  60. You know, I’m wildly surprised Amazon thought you knew how to work (or even owned) a DVD player. You know you old people’s reputations with the gadgets!

  61. Jen,
    Go to an acupuncturist and/or a naturopath and you’ll be way ahead of the game before arthritis advances.
    But you want to be proactive about it, since the synovial lining of joints can be compromised if untreated.
    First thing you might want to do is start drinking some dandelion tea daily—-it’s bitter but works. It’s a powerful liver tonifier. So is Silymarin from the milk thistle plant. Capsules are available.

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  63. I was diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, which is RA, Lupus (SLE), scleroderma and myositis combined, but I haven’t been on the real heavy duty stuff for that yet even though I was diagnosed about 15 years ago. But I take so many meds for the MCTD and my fucked up brain that my body parts will probably stay perfectly preserved for years when I die.

  64. I, too, have the rheums. I was diagnosed in my late teens, which means I totally win. Neener neener neener. But my aunt was diagnosed at 14 and killed herself last Christmas, so I guess she wins more. Bitch. Anyway, I’m commenting on a really old post because I have been systematically reading all of your posts since my friend from vet school sent me a link to the one about Beyonce on the front porch. I told my husband I wanted to marry you, but he said I can’t because Montana doesn’t allow that, and also that I am not qualified to comment on blogs since the most technologically-advanced piece of equipment I know how to operate outside of work is the lawnmower. I have now started my own form of blogging that involves talking really loud while mowing the lawn. Our lawn is really fucking mowed right now.

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