Y’all are the worst minions ever.
Honestly, I ask you for one little thing, to vote me into being funniest blog in the universe and I came in 7th. Out of 10. And now the cheating starts because the first 24 hours is over and now everyone who already voted can vote again for some reason so I’m just going to concede now to the Comics Curmudgeon. Who drowns kittens. In a bag made out of the Canadian flag. And then he eats their tender kitten bits after he roasts them on a spit made especially for kittens. OVER A FIRE MADE OUT OF AMERICAN FLAGS. So, good job, y’all. Try not to think about how many kittens will die in his victory feast and how this is all your fault.
Also, I just want to point out that I have 5700 followers on twitter and only got 547 votes so that means that 90% of my followers couldn’t be bothered to push a button, and also 87% of my followers are “Life Coaches” for some reason, so I can only surmise from this that all Life Coaches want people to commit suicide. Never hire one. Unless you want to commit suicide. Or lose a blogging contest. Apparently.
And don’t think this is a cry for more votes because swear-to-God, I’m out. The whole thing was embarrassing and I want to just move on. Instead I’d like you to focus your attention on stuffing the ballot box for the Nobel Peace Prize. WITH MENACE, people! And seriously, if I don’t get a Nobel Peace Prize this year I will go fucking bananas. Like, at the very least someone’s going to get stabbed. And if I don’t even get nominated? Two words: Cock fire.
PS. My coworker just asked me what category I wanted to win in the Nobel Peace Prize because apparently there’s more than one. And I was all “Uh, in litrature, asshole.”
PPS. To the 547 people who voted for me, you are all God’s special children and are hereby promoted to the special title of “Henchman”, which I think is a step up from minion. I’ll have to check the flowchart.
PPPS. Seriously, thank you for voting for me. I made you this button:
PPPPS. I made one for the people who didn’t vote too but it kept breaking my blog so I had to put it on flickr.
UPDATED: Oh, y’all. The Empire Strikes Back. The Comics Curmudgeon attempts to deny that he eats cats by showing us a video of his cat. WHICH HE NAMED “HOAGIE”. The irony is not lost on me or on that poor cat who is named for a sandwich. (PPPPS. In spite of his propensity to suck the meat off kittens paws, I still adore anyone who can work meth addiction into a Snuffy Smith cartoon and his response to me was incredibly kind and classy. Probably because he’s all sated on spiced kitten meat.)
Comment of the day: Henchmen always get killed. It’s like an arch-villainy rule.
You need to watch more Venture Brothers, then you’d know you can’t just randomly establish yourself as a full out arch-villain with henchmen without going through the proper channels. David Bowie has not approved this. ~ Angelita
208 thoughts on “*UPDATED* I’m starting to question why I even have minions to begin with.”
Read comments below or add one.
There is only one Nobel Peace Prize, but there are many different categories of the Nobel Prize. Unless I’m wrong about that.
Marinka’s last blog post..Nice Capades
We are obviously unworthy of the words you bestow upon us.
And is it a problem that this post makes me want to read the Comics Curmudgeon, which I have never before read? And that I like the button for non-voters more?
Seriously, though, you’re way more comedic than the curmudgeon, and I am going to rectify my non-voting immediately.
I have connections and that Nobel is all yours!
Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..First Impressions Are My Specialty
wow oh wow oh wow oh wow… you lost and I got the coolest button ever for my blog. I’m headed over to hang it up right now! it’s sooo boss.
monica’s last blog post..it’s okay, she won’t remember *edited because I’m a goober*
Oh I totally voted for you! If it makes you feel better it took me til this morning to get around to it though, mostly because every time I tried to load the site it timed out. Maybe it was overloaded by throngs of people all desperate to vote for you but when they timed out they weren’t as dedicated as me and they got discouraged and gave up? Or something like that…?
Erin’s last blog post..Happy New Year!
Can’t you just rig the Diebold thingies? Isn’t that how people win elections? I saw a guy on the internet say so, and those people don’t lie.
Okay, is it wrong that I now want to change my name to “Henchman”? Or, more specifically, “Henchchick”…because really, how often do you get to use the double ch in a word?
And, after I finish changing my name, I’m going to update my Facebook status to: “Henchchick is kick ass because The Bloggess says so. Suck it non-voting losers.”
Then, after I finish voting for you again today and posting that button of win on my blog, I’ll be calling my shrink to find out when I became such a kiss ass.
(But, hey…I’m a kick ass kiss ass. You said so…)
Ri’s last blog post..So, um…what’d you have for dinner?
The Comics Curmudgeon got five times the votes that anyone else got in the Hot Blogger Calendar competition, too. I’m not quite sure where his fans come from.
Avitable’s last blog post..Hate me
Cool! I’ve always wanted to be a henchman!
Katrina’s last blog post..Protected: New ink…
Don’t you mean 90 percent of your followers couldn’t be bothered to push a button? Actually, you might need to bump that up a percentage point or two. I voted for you twice. And I’m not on Twitter.
I think the popularity of Comics Curmudgeon has nothing to do with talent or humor – people just like alliteration. Change your blog name to The Brilliant Bloggess or The Busty Bloggess or Bloggess & Bestiality and you’ll see an immediate jump in votes.
I think cock fire is actually your solution to the Comic Curmudgeon, no? I’ll bring the gasoline.
Yeah, I voted for you and I’ll be doing so again today. Yea, me.
Incidentally, I tried to read The Comics Curmudgeon, since he is apparently 5 times funnier than you and, guess what, he’s not. At all.
He kinda reminds of that skit on SNL where the guy makes funny comments about the newspaper headlines except that his comments really aren’t funny. Yeah, him.
I thought a minion was a close relative of the scallion. or onion. or shallot.
Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING’s last blog post..she’s got eyes of the bluest skies…
If you’re shooting for the Noble Peace Prize, no sweat – they now pass them out as party favors.
Evidently, that’s how Al Gore got his.
Em’s last blog post..T.T. – Ode to a Sharpie – the remix
Ok, so I’ve totally been just a blogstalker up till now, and I’ve decided to break my not so creepy silence and participate with the rest of the class… and I think you’re fricking hilarious and deserve all kinds of awards so I voted for you yesterday and got mad at the website when it wouldn’t let me vote again. So here I am waiting not so patiently to vote again. Even though you said not to. Because a good henchman or henchette should know when you’re lying and don’t really want to concede defeat. 🙂
I voted for you yesterday but my 24 hours aren’t up yet so they wouldn’t let me vote again. Yet. Just trying to pick up the slack.
Enchanted’s last blog post..Happy New Years!!
Dear, with your always-soothing, ever-peaceful words of other-cheek-turning–such as the classic “Like at the very least someone’s going to get stabbed”– of *course* you’ll win the Nobel Peace Prize.
I mean, once they see your blog slogan, that’s all they need to know, right?
Duuuuuuuuude, I di’nt know. (I live in Louisiana.)
I voted for you today.
And I don’t even like kittens.
wordnerd’s last blog post..You, Me, and 2009
I voted for you- TWICE!
Ariel’s last blog post..Quiet
*is totally a Henchman . . . or Henchwoman . . .*
I totally pushed the button.
Untypically Jia’s last blog post..Food Storage is Fun
Hey, there’s hope, yet. After I commented above about the percentage you had listed in your post, it suddenly changed from 9% to 90%. Maybe the same sort of magic will happen with your votes. Then you’d have over 6000. Take that Curmudgeon!
I voted for you. But I also really like that button you made for all the non-voters. Hmmmm … dilemmas …
Momma Trish’s last blog post..A word on trolls
If I didn’t vote yesterday, but I voted today, can I chose which button I want? Cause I’m liking the kitten brand stuffing.
Kristine’s last blog post..Dave Ramsey makes me mad
I voted for you. Because I am awsm.
Then I added Comics Curmudgeon and Mattress Police to my blogroll. Because I also suck.
I’m taking the Henchman button anyway.
Nena’s last blog post..Steroids Rock.
I voted. I checked out the Curmudgeon and was completely unimpressed. He’s obviously cheating, or else the people voting are drooling idiots. I’m totally going to wear the button with pride. Though I do like the cat one better.
Can you tell who took the time? Because if you can’t, then I totally voted for you and deserve the Beardy Henchmen badge. If you *can* tell, then it was an error on the part of the site, and the thing is totally fixed and you should have won and I demand to see my lawyer.
Kurt’s last blog post..Wednesday is Spelled Weird So I Guess I Should Have Seen This Coming
That concession speech was much better than McCain’s. I applaud you.
Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..HASAY: Weak Week
Wait… I thought you said you had to resign or something and so I was halted in my steadfast mission to vote for you 10,000 times… I’m confused.
Dude, I am SO your henchman, only I want a mohawk on my skull. If it’s not too much trouble.
Oh, and I went and voted now, so maybe you’ll surpass that kitten killer after all!
Damn, I’m so tired of being a minion. I wanna be a henchman! No fair.
Life coach? What the hell is that? I probably need one, whatever it is.
Rhea’s last blog post..My Life is a Bad Country Song
Btw, I was the first commenter today and nothing happened. Why do people always scream “FIRST!” “AM I FIRST?!!” “I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FIRST!!”
My guess: because they’re insane.
Marinka’s last blog post..Nice Capades
How about a Nobel Prize for blogger etiquette, like because i’m sure threatening your readers is original and Nobel are so into originality. Y’know?
Braja’s last blog post..Ladies & Gentlemen: The Winner Is…
So I just went and checked out the competition and am throughly confused. Is this for best humor blog or best political blog. Cuz at least 3 of these blogs are left-wing political rants that didn’t make me laugh – they just made me cranky!! No fair – I’m still voting cuz you’re the funnest!!
Now I sort of wish I didn’t vote for you because I really don’t like kittens and I think the burning flag would give an interesting flavor to the meat.
Also, I think there is some kind of Comic Curmudgeon conspiracy going on because I voted more than 24 hours ago and it won’t let me vote anymore. On top of that I don’t see how a blog making fun of comics could be funny. They are called the fucking funnies. I would give them a lot more respect if they were making fun of obituaries. Try and make those funny, bitches.
Lemish’s last blog post..OCD spells P and cream soda bottles make shitty shivs
listen, just having minions is great, i mean what if they were all onions? or funions? there are plenty of other -ions suffxied words that are worse.
i see the glass half full with cock burritos
furiousBall’s last blog post..looking for my ghost princess
From minion to henchman? My head spins with the possibilities. Muwah ha ha!
Joie at Canned Laughter’s last blog post..Day To Read 2009
A cat got baked in a turkey for me.
Do yourself a favor and don’t think TOO hard about why I have time to comment on a post about why I didn’t vote but I didn’t have time to vote.
Miss Grace’s last blog post..Proof that yesterday? I was looking my best
Hmm … Nobel Peace Prize versus Funniest Blog in the Universe. I think you deserve both, because if we’re all sitting with our laptops laughing over the Funniest Blog Ever, then we can’t be engaged in anti-peaceful behavior, right? I’m just saying.
Cathy’s last blog post..Natchez Trace
I wanted to vote for you but you threaten kittens, bake cats in turkeys, and declawed your cat. You have feline issues. Sorry.
Sue’s last blog post..Slot Treadmills – The Nintendo Wii For the Slots Crowd
I’m sorry, but I had to vote for boobs, injuries and dr pepper, for no other reason than the word boobs in the blog title. 😉
Cameron’s last blog post..Would you, could you, in a deep fryer?
I voted for you today and I’ll vote for you again when I get home because it’s all about being fair and equitable, right? Also, do minions get to wear an eyepatch or is that reserved for henchmen?
Can I pass on the cock fire, though? It’s not THAT cold.
You have a serious future as a Jewish Mother…I grew up with one…I know these things. I voted all ready and I am wearing clean underwear.
Cedarflame’s last blog post..It’s Raining Men…(that weigh 180 lbs or less)
I’ve never heard of this Curmudgeon dude. He sucks. Mostly because he’s got so many votes already. Who reads comics anyway? Just because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, I checked him out. Really. He sucks. You, on the other hand, rock.
I didn’t even know the Blog Awards thing was going on, so as soon as I read your post I jumped on over and voted for you. I’ll vote again tomorrow, and as often as I can, because, as everyone knows but doesn’t push the button, you rock. I like kittens, though.
I voted for you (yay, henchman), and you should totally win. But you know what you should do first? Finish ahead of “Mother May I Sleep With Treacher.” Holy crap is that site aggressively unfunny and stupid. And scary.
Ooh, so I voted twice, can I be called a Lackey? Is lackey better than henchman? Henchman just sounds ugly, Lackey sounds like a fun, lazy, friend to me.
Janna’s last blog post..Hooray for the "Bullet", Crazy fonts, Moms, Mr. Moms…. and of course, the dot dot dots…
I’ve long enjoyed reading the Comics Curmudgeon. Now, especially so because it provided a link to the “humorous blog awards” thing, through which I found YOUR web site!
I DID vote for CC yesterday, but I’ll vote for you today. I hadn’t known all that stuff about the kittens. That kind-of casts him in a negative light for me. I’m glad we have vigilant people like you to uncover the truth!
P.S. Am I a minion now?
…i think it should be pointed out that i am your best minion ever. and that i should be upgraded to henchmen, bc i was unaware that i was even allowed to vote. i dont know how that wasnt clear? i am working on my selective hearing from authority figures…
…o, and i totally have three computers in my house, so i am just as good as three minions.
i am the best.
totally laughing my ass off. I’m a loser and didn’t vote. Well, not so much a loser and more than I am a fat, lazy ass. And being behind on my reading didn’t help. Can I give anymore excuses?
I have been voting for you! And to maximize my voting capacity, I’ve been visiting every public computer terminal on my grad school’s campus to vote for you (because the stupid web site only blocks your computer, it doesn’t check on your identity.) So I’m logging like 20 votes a day. Because you rock and such. (And I promise I am not a stalker I just like your blog.)
It’s a little known fact that I am on the Nobel Prize committee. In fact, I was the one who cast the deciding vote for former President Carter. Of course, I was a little drunk and I thought I was voting on the Nobel *Teeth* Prize. (I tend to lisp when I’m drunk and I assume everyone else in the room was doing it, too.)
Anyway, I voted for you for funniest bloth.
St Paul Slim’s last blog post..Frugality is the new consumerism
I voted for you, and that’s the only thing I voted on. Mainly because I forgot to vote for anyone else.
Caveman’s last blog post..My Super Heroes
I just voted today for the first time. You know, you may have shit-bags for minions, but at least they’re a bunch of shit-bags. Not everyone has shit-bags who love them. Think about that. It’s profound. And shit.
liv’s last blog post..Half empty? Half full? Hmmm..
When your followers reach a quadrillion like I have, then we can discuss this matter.
I tried to vote you having the best banner but that vote site just went splat.
Better luck next year, Jen!
greg cryns’s last blog post..SEO – embrace the changes
woohoo, I’m a henchman.
kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..My daughter is a great Spitter
I prefer “sycophant” actually. That’s a henchman with vocabulary.
Veronica Mitchell’s last blog post..Epiphany: Gifts for a King
Looks like you’re more likely to get the No-Buzz prize. Not just anyone gets a bell.
And what about the whole “It was just honor to get nominated” bit we hear at the Oscars? I knew it was a load of shit. Those people are actors, that’s why they don’t look as pissed as they really are.
WOOHOO! I am a henchmen.
… off to vote again…
CactusTri’s last blog post..Blog 2008 year in review
1. I tried. There was voting and it was for you.
2. Thank you for improving the quality of my day with the phrase: Cock Fire.
I am most certainly one of God’s special children, and you other minions ought to be ashamed. The cat population is apparently dwindling because of you.
The Introvert’s last blog post..good riddance, 2008
I voted! I even voted for you, so that was a double bonus. I’ve never been a henchman before. So I have to hide bodies now?
Jim’s last blog post..The First Kiss and Other Stuff Too!
I voted for the Blogress. Was that wrong?
ShallowGal’s last blog post..Mostly Wordless Wednesday: ShallowGal tries to remind her readers she is a mostly good person (1) previous Un-PC entry to the contrary
I thought he cloroformed puppies wrapped in a French flag, but everyone was okay with it ’cause they were ugly French poodle puppies with hot pink berets? I could be wrong, though. You know how rumors are.
Also…I have three followers on Twitter. And one of them may or may not be me.
Jaci’s last blog post..Henry VIII Wears Prada While Jazz Dancing with MaryAnne Dashwood…or something
As I learned from the Hot Blogger Calendar, the Other People always cheat. Or, I’m not that hot. No- I’m sticking with the cheating thing.
Happy Hour Sue’s last blog post..Botany 101
I voted so I so want to take that button home to my blog with me. Cuz skulls with braids totally rock!
Domestic extraordinaire’s last blog post..Is it really Tuesday?
That comics guy likes to sodomize handicapped children. I have proof.
Father Muskrat’s last blog post..wordless wednesday: major maddie’s war face
Voted for you and I voted for RedneckMommy and that was the extent of my voting this year.
Kat’s last blog post..It Amazes Me
Yay, I’m a henchman with a cool beard!
Radish’s last blog post..Walking
First, I prefer “henchperson,” but I went to an all-women’s college so I’m rigid about sexism like that.
And B, is “flunky” higher up the command chain than “lackey?” ‘Cause I want whichever one of those jobs that gets me some henchpeople to boss around.
My kids don’t snap to attention or grovel nearly enough to satisfy my twisty hidden inner villain.
Velma’s last blog post..The Usual Post-Holiday Wrap Up.
My minions couldn’t even be bothered to nominate me for anything. I think your minions and my minions should get together and go bowling.
This post made me hungry so I went to Google and typed in kitten recipes:
“Results 1 – 10 of about 1,260,000.”
At first I was afraid that it was all just recipes for kittens, not with kittens, but no worries: “Get free kitten Boil water in medium size pot…”
I think I’d rather be a minion because I am a manager (henchman) in my every day life and I would like to let my hair down here in a more submissive role even though I did vote for you.
Do you really care? The site where the vote is being held has ads for something like the sexiest soccer mom in the world and asks for donations if you really love the
awardsham that they are putting on.
Does your daughter play soccer? (just occurred to me to ask since you may be eligible for hottest soccer mom)
Also, please don’t really blame the minions too much. I would say you were a little less whorish in encouraging your readers to vote than some of the other nominees. There is honor in that trait(along with 7th place).
Since Mr. T clearly supports the Comics Curmudgeon over you, our wedding is off.
SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..My ass looks like two raccoons stuck in a gunny sack
I am so devastatingly ashamed of how we, your very own minions, have treated you. I am going to go scratch my eyeballs out – I don’t deserve to ever be able to read your posts ever, ever again!
Or, perhaps, me-owwwwwww. ‘Cause that’s prolly what the cat in the turkey would say at some point.
A minion? That’s all I am to you? That hurts. Deep, cutting wound.
annie’s last blog post..Art House Films
Damn! I was eating an elephant and now I have to eat turkey or cat or a fireball … get in line is all I’m saying (uh, to the turcatball)
Di Eats the Elephant’s last blog post..Keeping a Sense of Humor
And now I am going to be a suck-up.
I VOTED FOR YOU!! And I tried to cheat by deleting my cookies and clicking the button again- didn’t work. :- But, in my heart, you won and you’re up for the Nobel Peace Prize thingy.
Oh, and that hair cut looks fabulous on you dahling. 🙂
I voted for you yesterday which was the first day I had even heard of your website! Do I still get to be a henchman?
I wouldn’t be so hard on your minions. For all you know, this could be part of a well-organized plot to bring Comics Curmudgeon so much publicity that he attracts the attention of the Copyright Police for Posting Comics Without Authorization (which I believe is a felony in every state but Alaska, and maybe West Virginia) and is summarily hauled off and shot. Or sewn into a Canadian flag and drowned.
This would thus make you #1. Or #6. Or whatever.
laurie’s last blog post..Don’t Tick Off the God of the School Superintendents
We have a client at work with a robust beard, like astro-turf robust, but longer. You have now forever planted the idea in my mind that he has a skull in his beard, come to think of it, he probably also has cock fire.
It’s obvious now that you’re gonna need to be handing out burritos if you’re aiming for that Nobel prize… I like mine with the Works, please!
Wendy’s last blog post..Perhaps, he should go easier on the peppermint schnapps next time?
Ok, ok! I voted already! Sorry!
I’d make the big cute kitten eyes but I’m afraid Curmudgeon will roast me on a spit. 🙁
thedemigod’s last blog post..Fucking Pissed
I have decided to vote for you.
I was leaning toward Nader, and had already rejected the other fuckers because of the bad press they’ve given to parties — (they didn’t even consider Naked Twister!!), and I think your policies are ones which may ultimately be redemptive to the human race.
So count me among your vast horde of servile types.
I think you should have said to your co-worker “In awesomeness,fool”
Cause I’m positive that’s a category for the Nobel Peace Prize
WM’s last blog post..The horror that was New Years Eve
Listen. I can’t remember if I voted for you or the random woman on TwitterMoms who asked us to vote for her husband’s blog in the information category and then I did and then I asked her to read and comment on my blog to return the favor but she didn’t, that bitch.
Anyway, you need to be funnier.
Memoirgirl’s last blog post..Hangnail Friendships
Does it make it any better that I actually followed a link from a different blog and went ahead and voted for you instead of the blog that lead me there? You are the best! – Can I grow up to be just like you?
So I just voted after you told me not to. Does voting now mean I’ve twice let you down? Trying to prevent you from moving on after failing your trust to start with?
I note that I’m not the only once, since I was vote 811.
Is there a special button for us?
And if you check out the flickr button image, and ask to see it displayed in square format, it starts “as too busy”. “As” is obviously missing the last “s”.
Is that some sort of secret message you are embedding in your buttons?
Dude, I VOTED. And you are wasting my button pushing by quitting.
tracey’s last blog post..Pay no attention to the sparkle in his eye…
I didn’t vote. Because I really can’t be bothered. Sorry…(not really).
Jen’s last blog post..Mystery glass.
Totally I was your henchman. Also, you need a new thingie for DOUBLE henchmen, because I’m voting again even though you told me not to. Or does that disobedience cancel out the earlier obedience. WHATEVER, YOU ARE SO BOSSY.
Wow! I’ve been guilted into voting! Actually, I went to vote when you first posted about it and it was still 17 HOURS until the voting opened!! That’s ridiculous. I’m too ADD to retain a thought that long. So I forgot all about it. Until today’s post.
Since I’ve now voted, I thought I should let you know that a Minion is considered higher ranked than a Henchman. So I want to be a protégé. Can I have my own button? Something like “Protégé: So nerdy I went to Wikipedia to look up minion”. It kinda has a ring to it…
Fran’s last blog post..Puzzlemania
This is how I know that most people have a SUCK sense of humor.
That? And the lack of people that laugh with me.
Plenty laugh at me.
Betsey Booms’s last blog post..The One I Almost Forgot To Title
So since I don’t suck giant donkey balls I have voted two times so suck on that cat killer… which means I want my own fucking badge that says “Dear Nikki, you fucking rock, if two women could have babies together in a way that didn’t involve a random man’s sperm I would totally want to do that”
I’ve never been a Henchman before.
Heather’s last blog post..The ones you make yourself hold the most meaning
This thing is rigged. I’ve been reading the top two humour blogs (according to votes)for an hour now and they’ve failed to elicit the faintest smile. They are truly not funny. Not even a little bit. In fact I was so upset afterwards I had to go back & reread some of your posts just to feel better. You’re sort of like Alka-Seltzer that way.
I demand a recount.
My goodness… a Turduckcat!
Ed T.’s last blog post..I have a great seat for the show come July 4
There was voting?
kathulhu’s last blog post..Roasted Sausages, Peppers, & Potates
Is henchman a promotion from goon, or a demotion? Just curious.
I was reading that Comic’s Curmudgeon blog and I didn’t even crack a smile. You are way funnier.
I guess there is no accounting for taste.
Melissa’s last blog post..Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
Ooo, ooo, I voted twice for you! Take that! I love you and don’t eat cats unless I have to teach other cats a lesson!
Megan’s last blog post..quickie blog
I think that you have more life coaches than that, because SOME of us have been voting every day on two computers. Even when the damn interface throws up error pages. Even though these awards suck ass.
Do henchmen get to wear jumpsuits? Or have a special uniform? I’d totally be a henchman if I could have a uniform.
Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter)’s last blog post..Good news: I am not dead
Hey, I’m a good minion. I voted as soon as I got your tweet.
Does that make me a henchman now?
Now, I’m obviously a Twitter jackass because I never even saw your pleas. And even more a jackass because I didn’t see the link to vote in the other post.
Jen @ Mommay’s Mayhem’s last blog post..New Year, New Me? We’ll see.
Quit your moanin’! I can’t even get people to share my blog entries through their Google readers.
You have my vote … again.
always home and uncool’s last blog post..Resolving to Wake Up
I’ve voted twice, so does that make me twice the henchman? Alphabetically your first on the list….
You’re embarrassed? Then according to my handy chart, I should be… let’s see… looks like mortified. Yeah, that sounds about right. 🙂
diesel’s last blog post..Hey, Did I Mention…
I love you people so much it hurts. The henchmen *and* the minions. But not the henchmenions. Those guys are dicks.
The fact that he eats kittens makes me want to vote for him.
His actual blog makes me want to set his cock on fire.
I’ve voted twice.
Betsey Booms’s last blog post..The One I Almost Forgot To Title
I say screw them and their stinking voting… It is probably rigged anyway.
Do henchmen get minions?
Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Weirdos Have Some Nerve, Coming Here And Trying To Buy All Our Stuff
“I” voted and I’m not even following you on Twitter (YET). So that might mess up your numbers even more …
Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..Gearing up for my fast…v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y
I just voted!!! I love this site… booo for dead kittens!
Sam’s last blog post..To whom it may concern…
I voted for you and will again even though I am home with a vomiting 8-year-old.
See how much I care?
:::sigh::: I was going to make a minion/onion joke, but, alas, it’s already been done.
kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..My daughter is a great Spitter
Sadly if you do get nominated for the Nobel Prize you won’t hear about it for another 50 years as the nominations are sealed for that period of time and then chosen by a group of their peers at the end of that time. And don’t even think about dying, because the Nobel Prize isn’t awarded posthumously.
Emilie’s last blog post..A Blog About Blogs
that girl’s last blog post..Hello Darlin…..IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME – –
I bow down to kiss the feet of she who inspires me and beg for forgiveness.
I’ve totally rectified my miss-givings. I not only voted today but forced (posted on my blog for) my readers to vote for you as well.
Brandy’s last blog post..So I didn’t think he’d take me seriously, and now I must pay.
Dude. I voted for you because you just made all my liberal “don’t hurt animals” alarm bells go off with all the kitten killing.
And, I think you rule.
I may just start blogging again so I can put up my Henchman button – so rad.
Sensitiva McFeelingsly’s last blog post..The Wanderer – Part 2
Yay, I’m a henchman!
*does a little dance*
When can I start henching?
Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #17 – updated
Um, what? We were supposed to vote? I went and looked at where you got nominated, and thought, “Woohoo! Go Bloggess!” But i didn’t vote. Sorry i failed you.
Aren’t you supposed to say “It was an honor just to have been nominated” or some shit like that? Whatever, I am going to keep voting for you because you are a chick and “don’t vote” means “voooote, oh pleeeeeeease vooooote, think of the kittens!”
Whatever, bitch, I totally have been voting for you.
From one loser to a wiener: XOXO
Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Looks like I’m in for a very lare arse kicking. And I’m enjoying it.
Oh, sorry. I didn’t know I was supposed to vote as I’ve kind of been out of the loop of late, trying to get my shit together so I can register for school. Next fall. But I’m kinda bummed ’cause I didn’t do all that well on the math portion of my practice SAT, though I totally kicked ass on the critical reading, and writing… well, it wasn’t too bad (2/3 the way up is okay, right?).
Anyway, I would totally have voted for you had I known in the first place. And really, you should look on the upside. It could’ve been worse. You could’ve been the asshole who came in 10th. (Um, I didn’t really just call that person, or people, or whomever it is, an “asshole”. Honest.)
Love reading your stuff! (E.g. blogs)
Oh my word. That’s hilarious. Er, at least it is to me. When you freshly post, your comment shows as ” says: Your comment is awaiting moderation.”
Wow. I didn’t know I said that! (Some poor placement there, eh?)
Can I just add, as a second afterthought, that I like how you have comments on moderation. Not because you like protecting yourself from spam, but it shows that you’re sort of masochistic or something since that must mean you have quite a lot of notifications somewhere, eagerly awaiting your attention. (The real question is whether you read each and every comment, and do you even have enough time in the day to do that in addition to all of the funny, er, fun things you do during the day?)
P.S. Really, I’m done commenting for today. I swear.
Hey if I’m a henchman does that mean I get a cool blue jumpsuit and a number? =)
Aaron’s last blog post..Home Games
No need to grovel. Two days, two votes for you. I’m on a roll!
If we all make you a button will you feel special, too?
mrtl’s last blog post..For Hire
I am a henchman. My life is complete.
anymommy’s last blog post..Forced Twins
Okay, okay…I’m terrible…I shoulda voted!!!
At least you didn’t get 11th outta 10th…that happened to me once, I’m scarred for life.
jodycakes’s last blog post..Gearing up for my fast…v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y
I voted for you. True story. Does that mean that as a henchman I get a discount if I buy private ad space from you in the future when you figure out the pricing scale?
Or do I just get a Chipotle coupon for a free burrito?
Cole’s last blog post..100 most popular baby names of 2008
You keep the minions for the naked photos they send you. If they’re not even doing that, you’ll have to demote them to plebs or just readers (shudder at the thought!).
Henchmen are for taking out the competition. Preferably this will involve lasers, since I’m too far away* to orchestrate a stabbing.
*In a country that has compulsory voting, which may be another lesson for you. Access to reading your blog, could be based on verifying your daily vote has gone through.
I just voted for your for the second time, so I want a “Yes Man” or “Bloggess Bitch” badge.
A Free Man’s last blog post..And all the fallen leaves filling up shopping bags
yay, I get a henchman button…sadly I’m an idiot and I have no idea what to do with that or how to make it go to my blog, sigh. You’re way funnier than that Comic guy anyway.
EdenSky’s last blog post..The Holidays are over, YESSS!
You have minions and I have mental health professionals. Swear.To.God. I’ve got more counselors, psychologists, and shrinks following me than you’d ever believe. It’s starting to make me paranoid. Can a shrink make you paranoid if you start off (sort of) normal? Honestly, I’m wondering if they’re all following me as a case study or something!
Oopsy. Can I blame my “pregnancy brain”? Especially since remembering my shoe size is even a challenge nowadays?
Marisa’s last blog post..The only thing that fits is my perfume.
Sorry. I had no fucking power for that last fucking 28 hours. And now that it’s back on I get grief? JEEZ!!! This makes me feel like the time I called Jay-Z a fugly mother-fucker on Jezebel’s and got my sorry ass banned for life. Those bitches have no sense of the Ha-Ha, let me tell you….
Meh. Since I don’t post all that much, (I think this is the second time actually.) I will forgive myself, and hope that you do too JENNY.
Oh, and P.S. I’ve now checked out most of the other “humor” blogs, and with a couple of exceptions they are total crap. Although Mattress Police looked kind of promising, except that the post I tried to read was really, really long and I don’t have the atten…
Hey, is that a burrito?
laurie’s last blog post..Don’t Tick Off the God of the School Superintendents
bitch please… I totally voted for you like 4 bajillion times.
Making up new aliases and urls and signing up for new IP addresses. Which was totally unnecessary but done for lurve.
Cause anyone that drinks out of bottle with my image on it deserves to be, like, whatever it was I was voting for.
Mustn’t have been that. I think it was for next president of the world.
Voted for you yesterday, but maybe I shoulda voted for Comic guy as he and I apparently share an intense hatred of kitties.
Sher’s last blog post..Last Lessons
Well, now I feel terrible that I wasted two whole votes on that lame old Comics Curmudgeon website when I didn’t even know this one existed, ’cause you’re much cuter than Josh even though he posed on his website in boxers and you so far as I can tell did not, although I could be mistaken, but it’s safe to say that your “Who is the Bloggess” bio says, or at least suggests, or at the very least implies, that you write about blowjobs, while it’s a fairly well-known fact that Josh mostly writes about Mary Worth and Family Circus and kitten recipes. So, hi! Love the curlers.
I kinda just got here in blog-world, and don’t so much know from awards yet.May I just say I adore your fabulous self?
I don’t even get to be a minion yet, I guess, but can I be, oh, say, a toady? Can I, can I? (not sure exactly what a toady resume would look like, but I bet I qualify…) Let me know when I can start, and if there are benefits.
Vic’s last blog post..Play That Funky Music, White Boy
I want to subscribe to your rss feed, but I can’t seem to find it. And to answer your question preemptively, yes I am slightly retarded. Can anyone help a sister out?
(Hi! It’s me…Jenny. I seem to be locked out of commenting so I’m having to come in and comment inside your comment. Apparently I’m the one who’s slightly retarded. But I do know how to get an RSS feed! I think. Try here. http://www.addtoany.com/subscribe?linkname=The+Bloggess&linkurl=http%3A%2F%2Fthebloggess.com%2F%3Ffeed%3Drss2
It ain’t over. You can vote every 24 hours. I’m voting for you every day. Did someone already mention it’s not over yet? I’m too lazy to read all the responses.
Suzy’s last blog post..My Current Enemies
I’ve never been so damned proud to earn a skull with a beard in my life.
Also? I’m going to win a Nobel Peace Prize too. In PEACE, yo.
Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..For Your Information
If you only knew the struggle I have been going through! I only regularly read three blogs- two of them are you and CC- so imagine my pain!!! I almost voted for Jon Swift in my confusion! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!!
Maybe if you just wrote more about Mary Worth the gap between you and Josh would close right up. Think about it.
(Hey, can I be one of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz instead? Really – they’re sort of a cross between a minion and a henchman….plus they don’t wear pants and they fly….
I think I have a cap around here someplace.)
Clearly your talent is wasted on the throngs of humorless drones that voted for anyone other than you (can I get a witness?).
Somehow I managed to vote for you twice already. Do you think that is the problem?
Maybe they decided to half your votes because of my little mistake?
My math is not very good.
But that sounds like it could have happened.
In which case, I’m sorry.
Sophie, Inzaburbs’s last blog post..How I Might Have Almost Potentially Maybe Saved $366 This Christmas. Or Not.
I didn’t vote for you, but I didn’t vote for anyone else either. I did vote for Obama though.
Nora Bee’s last blog post..There she goes again with the baking fantasies
Wow, I’ve never been a henchmen before, this is great!
Wait… you’re not going to say next that henchmen have to perform light housekeeping duties when not otherwise occupied, are you?
Cause then I’m totally out.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation between M- & D-: Let’s not get carried away
Henchmen always get killed. It’s like an arch-villainy rule.
You need to watch more Venture Brothers, then you’d know you can’t just randomly establish yourself as a full out arch-villain with henchmen without going through the proper channels. David Bowie has not approved this.
Angelita’s last blog post..Bish Pwease
Minions, as you are finding, are highly overrated. While their fawning obsequiousness is endearing, they tend to concentrate on appearing to please instead of actual results. Henchmen are not to be trusted (silly geese that they are, they always see themselves in a Boss role), and sycophants are downright annoying.
For all their shortcomings, you will find it best to stick with plain old garden-variety lackeys. They have no thoughts or ambitions of their own, and nothing better to do than to carry out your every whim.
The parts about the tender kitten bits really started to disturb me. Mostly because I was looking at my Pekingese and wondering if he had any tender bits, and then thinking about how money was getting tight and OMG THINK OF THE KITTENS!
The Canadian flag thing is ok with me, though.
Hm. I don’t quite know which button I should be up for. I have been on vacation with limited internet access (yes, I was in Houston, but one laptop for 6 people does not work out in my favor). So I didn’t mean to not vote for you, I just didn’t know I was supposed to.
Maybe a button for those of us who are lacking in internets?
Kylie’s last blog post..We’re BACK!
Y’know, it just checks the ip address of your computer to see if you’ve voted before. So it can’t tell if you’ve voted at work and then gone home and voted there…
…or voted on your friend’s home pc…
…or gone down to Starbucks and used their wifi…
…or gone to the library and voted on every pc they’ve got…
Not that I’m saying you should do that but it’s just that some unscrupulous people might have already done that to boost the votes for their blog…
Steve’s last blog post..WikiPolitics
I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t know. I’m behind in blog reading. If I had known, I would have TOTALLY voted for you. TWICE.
I vote for you daily you on every computer I can get my hands on. Rest assured that to some of us your
ramblingsinsightful comments are the funniest thing ever.
I think it’s pretty hysterical how we all read your post and then guiltily ran off to vote.
Which I am doing again now. Because I can’t in good conscience support kitten murder.
Kimmers’s last blog post..6 words that describe me, at least according to Nick
Henchman 4 Life!
groovehouse’s last blog post..Stumble Upon (Your Own Image)
I’m voting for you again today. On two computers. Because I hate quitters.
Nena’s last blog post..Wednesday Julia-ism (on Thursday) and Workout Update
Dude…I have been voting for you EVERY DAY and I want something more than a “Henchman” button. I could probably hit up a library and use, like, a dozen different computers to vote…but I’m not sure it would help. Besides, nobody likes a quitter, hang in there.
Anna’s last blog post..Costco Before the Ice Storm
You are totally right and I made a special badge for all of you who continue to vote for me in spite of the fact that I already quit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/16968197@N02/3179198163/
It’s obvious that your minions are way more apathetic then the Curmudgeon’s minions. You need to attract better minions.
Um, you were kidding about which Nobel PEACE prize category, right? Personally, I say you go for the Nobel Memorial prize in Economic sciences, which is the only other oddly named Nobel prize.
And the comics curmudgeon? Holy cow. I have not read comics in years bec. they’re so damn boring, but he makes them almost funny. Thanks for recommending him.
I did vote for you, though, and would like the title “Handmaid to the most high Bloggess” if it’s not too much trouble.
Jane @ What About Mom’s last blog post..And how did that work out for you?
I voted for you twice. What button do I get now? Lol.
You post made me want to go read the Comics Curmedgeon (which I can’t even pronouce btw. Who titles a blog that you can’t even pronounce?), but I got so bored by the first post, I couldn’t read any further.
You win every day in my book!
I found this in the Henchman entry on Wikipedia: “… the villain’s supporters are called henchmen due to their evil nature, which makes such personal bonds difficult to establish. However, some darkly comedic heroes have sidekicks of a more subservient nature; though these relationships are often a form of “tough love” or even just a condescending affection, the henchman is in this case usually known as a minion”. From this I gather that if you think of us as your personal bitches, then we are probably minions rather than henchmen. Also, I think that henchmen will pretty much carry out your orders, even if the attempt is unsuccessful. Minions, on the other hand, will really fuck things up in the attempt. So yeah, we’re minions.
Your blog hasn’t been updated in at least a few seconds and my addiction to funny blogs is getting the best of me. In desperation I’m reading a bunch of stuff over in curmudgeon land and I just don’t find it funny. Boobs and Dr. Pepper are two of my favorite topics, and she is funny enough to keep me from eating my next door neighbor’s cat. But I don’t know how long I can hold out. Feed my addiction and post today’s update.
Love kittens, don’t love dead kitten humor. Write something funny and I’ll vote for you. :o)
HAGARDASH, I don’t like dead kitten humor either. Or dead kitten femurs. But it’s a fact of life that some people are feasting on them and those people are winning awards. Just because I don’t write about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. But I promise that very soon I will be off the dead kitten topics and back to more tasteful subjects like dismembered hobos and hats made out of vaginas.
Well, since I am continuing to vote for you, based on your new badge I will (just to be safe)constantly expect a unicorn attack. I am so wearing hockey pads to work tomorrow.
Dani’s last blog post..No officer, i swear i was just trying to take the pants back…
OMG…I laughed so hard when I saw that badge. I actually did vote for you, but I love that other badge so much that I might just take it anyway.
Since my dark god, The Comics Curmudgeon, told me to come read The Blogess, here I am. And he’s right; you’re a
That said…I think Josh is totally into you. And Im pretty sure he’s ready to close the deal. I’ll be back, but dont let him know, ’cause you know how he gets.
For those of us who were button pushers in your grab for blog contest love and now elevated to Bloggess Henchmen –
Do we get any mod turtlenecks to minion around in?
stephanherd: “And is it a problem that this post makes me want to read the Comics Curmudgeon, which I have never before read? And that I like the button for non-voters more?”
i’m a loyal comics curmudgeon reader and this whole blog war has got me reading bloggess all afternoon, which i have never before read. so i guess it’ll all work out in the end.
pass the cat!
Wait, is eating kittens NOT p.c.? Because I didn’t get that memo and I might as well finish up what’s in my fridge now because “waste not, want not” and all that shit, there are starving people in Asia, and even THEY eat cats, so I feel like I’m totally bridging the racial gap between regular white people and the cat-eating Asians. So maybe I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.
Cat’s last blog post..Gray is Old and I Think it’s Awesome
I didn’t vote because I’m a gluttonous lay-about.
Also, this is the first time I’ve visited this site. Usually I’m at Comics Curmudgeon.
But now that I have visited this site, I have been won over by your silver tongue! I’d vote for you now, but your cat humor is tasteless.
El Santo’s last blog post..Part III of PW Beat’s Year End Survey, plus Comixtravaganza at Seattle libraries
Hilarious, i’m voting for you today!!
R~’s last blog post..Funniest Joke I’ve Heard in a while
#179: “cat humor is tasteless” that was funny. It seems Curmudgeon readers do have a sense of humor, despite all evidence to the contrary.
I’d take minions over prizes any day. Cash would be nice too. Also there is the satisfaction of a finely crafted sentence from time to time. You have quite a few around here. Plus, the minions!
Suburban Kamikaze’s last blog post..Revision
Oh my goodness. I just did a terrible thing. I checked you out after reading CC’s blog, and had to vote for you instead of him, because I was laughing so hard. Then I checked the current totals and didn’t feel too bad for him, because I wasted my vote. He’s KILLING you, girl.
Another dyed-in-the-wool Curminion here [waves to El Santo, et al.]. But I’m voting for you tomorrow because you are both gracious AND funny. Always nice to find another place for a good laugh.
Minions, bunions, whatever. You need to place an ad with BlogHer for someone who can spoof IP addresses and spam that awards site with a kazillion votes for you.
That’s legal, right?
Mr Farty’s last blog post..None So Deaf
Haven’t been around lately because I suck or something…. but I totally voted for you! I got your back…. always.
Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..In a rut?
I must have messed up and voted incorrectly, my keys are sticky because of all the BBQ cat drippings. I either voted for you as the funniest or you as the best porn site, I can’t really remember, but it was definately you.
immortal woman’s last blog post..Today Show Boil Over
And I tried so hard to be a good minion. I wanted to be like a filet minion. With a nice cabernet.
From one finalist (My Mom is a Fob) to another, I personally think of all nine other blogs, yours is the funniest. 🙂
I have voted for you so many times I feel like I should move to Illinois. If you win can I have a seat in your cabinet? Preferrably the one where you keep the booze.
So, do I qualify as Henchman yet?
Brandy’s last blog post..10 Easy Steps To Denying Reality!
Hilarious!!! Love this blog!!! I’m going to vote right now.
Saph’s last blog post..Do you understand the words that are coming out of my MOUTH????
I love it. For what it is worth, I think your blog is the best. I just discovered it and I took the time to push the button.
Fun Husband’s last blog post..Boob T-Shirt
I came over here intending to say something witty… but I forgot what it was.
Anyway, your button rocks! Looks like Fu Manchu with pasties over his eyes.
Ed T.’s last blog post..They didn’t have toys like this when I was a kid
Hi Comics Curmudgeon readers! You guys are awesome even though I honestly do not understand most of your comments on the CC site at all. I assume you’re talking badly about me in some sort of special code.
This rocks! I always wanted to be a henchman! I voted twice so I would like two of those gnarly mustaches please!
Is mustaches the plural of mustache? That just looks wrong. Screw it. I still want two no matter how it’s spelled.
Shawna’s last blog post..Hey, Hey You
That was the funniest blog I’ve read in a hella long time. I love ya dog to. I’m thinking he pretty much looks like a Truman. Or maybe a Bob or Bobbert. Anyway … I’m pretty sure I’ll be blog-stalking ya now. Like ya don’t have enough readers but, what the hell …. YOU’VE GOT A FUCKING DOG!!!
SweetPeaSurry’s last blog post..
Thanks to the blog awards for turning me on to your site! BTW, according to another one of your competitors, Jon Swift, some cult-blog Wonkette told all its drones who to vote for and their humor pick was the CC because he writes for them. I checked out his site too and it was cute but yours is funnier. Some may think I’m just spreading rumors and my own opinion, but they would be wrong.
I am thinking you just gave your puppy dreidels for earrings. I could be wrong…but they look like something I saw at a Hannukah gathering once. Just sayin’.
…speaking as a disinterested third party, the sheer asshole-rly of your supporters compelled me to go vote for the Comics Curmudgeon, even though I have not read his blog (or yours, for that matter).
How would you know my commenters are assholes if you never even read this?
I call “Shenanigans”.
Having watched the Venture Brothers as often as I do, I can tell you that the Monarch swears that they really do prefer “minions” as a term.
I’m one of God’s special children? OMG! Even though I’ve only been lurking, like, forever? Thanks!
Finish ahead of “Mother May I Sleep With Treacher.” Holy crap is that site aggressively unfunny and stupid. And scary.
Well, I try not to be aggressive about it. Sorry about that!
Jim Treacher’s last blog post..I’m currently in 3rd place by like 20 votes
for what it’s worth, jim, I think you’re quite funny. And honestly my most loyal commenters are the ones always calling me a whore so I think insults are the new compliments. Plus, my commenters are assholes. Apparently.
I’m way late on this but yeah, you can’t get people to do shit online. It’s annoying. I wanted people to Digg my one post and like nobody fucking did it. I mean, hell, all the free entertainment you give people? And they won’t return a little favor? Hell.
I’ll find out who voted for you. You can use it to find out who didn’t. Then you can skin them. Or at least Obama-fist them.
Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Unfortunately, pants