Honestly, I ask you for one little thing, to vote me into being funniest blog in the universe and I came in 7th. Out of 10. And now the cheating starts because the first 24 hours is over and now everyone who already voted can vote again for some reason so I’m just going to concede now to the Comics Curmudgeon. Who drowns kittens. In a bag made out of the Canadian flag. And then he eats their tender kitten bits after he roasts them on a spit made especially for kittens. OVER A FIRE MADE OUT OF AMERICAN FLAGS. So, good job, y’all. Try not to think about how many kittens will die in his victory feast and how this is all your fault.
Also, I just want to point out that I have 5700 followers on twitter and only got 547 votes so that means that 90% of my followers couldn’t be bothered to push a button, and also 87% of my followers are “Life Coaches” for some reason, so I can only surmise from this that all Life Coaches want people to commit suicide. Never hire one. Unless you want to commit suicide. Or lose a blogging contest. Apparently.
And don’t think this is a cry for more votes because swear-to-God, I’m out. The whole thing was embarrassing and I want to just move on. Instead I’d like you to focus your attention on stuffing the ballot box for the Nobel Peace Prize. WITH MENACE, people! And seriously, if I don’t get a Nobel Peace Prize this year I will go fucking bananas. Like, at the very least someone’s going to get stabbed. And if I don’t even get nominated? Two words: Cock fire.
PS. My coworker just asked me what category I wanted to win in the Nobel Peace Prize because apparently there’s more than one. And I was all “Uh, in litrature, asshole.”
PPS. To the 547 people who voted for me, you are all God’s special children and are hereby promoted to the special title of “Henchman”, which I think is a step up from minion. I’ll have to check the flowchart.
PPPS. Seriously, thank you for voting for me. I made you this button:
PPPPS. I made one for the people who didn’t vote too but it kept breaking my blog so I had to put it on flickr.
UPDATED: Oh, y’all. The Empire Strikes Back. The Comics Curmudgeon attempts to deny that he eats cats by showing us a video of his cat. WHICH HE NAMED “HOAGIE”. The irony is not lost on me or on that poor cat who is named for a sandwich. (PPPPS. In spite of his propensity to suck the meat off kittens paws, I still adore anyone who can work meth addiction into a Snuffy Smith cartoon and his response to me was incredibly kind and classy. Probably because he’s all sated on spiced kitten meat.)
Comment of the day: Henchmen always get killed. It’s like an arch-villainy rule.
You need to watch more Venture Brothers, then you’d know you can’t just randomly establish yourself as a full out arch-villain with henchmen without going through the proper channels. David Bowie has not approved this. ~ Angelita