So this weekend I accidentally bought a pornographic video game for my 4 year old. It’s called “Viva Piñata” and it’s supposed to be for all ages if people of all ages like to watch cartoon animals have sex. Basically you’re building a garden and encouraging worms and wildlife to grow in hopes that you’ll attract various living piñatas who prance around the garden and who I assume later get beaten to death by small children with sticks. I don’t know because we didn’t get that far. We got far enough that Hailey grew enough grass for the worms to have what the game calls “their romance dance”. This is when I’m all “WTF?!” and my husband gives me this look like “Oh surely not”. Then the worms go in their worm house and it starts bouncing because the worms are totally getting busy. Then they show the inside of the worm house and the music starts and it’s all “Boom-chica-wow-wow” like some soft-core porn shot and I know I should turn it off but I can’t because it’s like a train wreck except instead of mangled trains it’s worm’s metaphorically fucking. And then seconds later the stork shows up with an egg. No shit. I didn’t even know worms laid eggs. You see the worm dance here although the porn music has been overdubbed with the Magic Flute for some reason. So then I’m all “Well, that’s the last of the romance dance. Surely we’re in the clear now” but no, pretty much pretty much the entire game is about animals and piñatas getting it on. So then I’m all “Dude. Kill the game” and Victor is like “Oh, it’s not that bad” and I’m like, “Okay, then you can explain to her daycare why Hailey is making all the class hamsters do the romance dance so they can get pregnant” and then Victor was all “OH MY GOD, HAILEY, THIS GAME IS BROKEN.” So I called my sister and I’m telling her about the fucked up piñata game and she says “Clearly you are a terrible mother. You need to get ‘Viva Piñata’. It’s kid appropriate and my kids love it” and I’m like “THAT’S THE GAME I’M TALKING ABOUT” and she’s all “No way. It’s rated E for Everyone.” and I’m like, “Seriously, have you ever watched the whole thing? Romance. Dance. Boom chica bow.” and it turns out that she hadn’t and I was all “Go ask your kids to show you the romance dance” and she was all “Shit. I gotta go.” So that’s why I think all video games should come with a check box for “May contain metaphoric videos of animals and/or piñatas getting it on” and also why I’m returning Viva Pinata for Doom II because if my kid’s going to be exposed to inappropriate scenes anyway I’d rather she learn how to kill zombies because honestly, when is getting worms to fuck ever going to come in handy? Practically never, that’s when.
PS. Yes I realized that Doom II is all about fighting demons released from hell and not zombies but I’m pretty sure they die the same way. Also Hailey needs to know how to kill zombies and not demons escaping from hell because the demon thing only happens during the apocalypse and I’m pretty sure you’re not suppose to fight that. It’s not like we could just kill all the demons and be all “Fuck you, God!” and then he’d be all “Curses! Foiled again!” He’s not Gargamel. All he has to do is wiggle his nose and we all turn into pudding. He’s like the deadliest mafia ninja in the universe and I’m pretty sure struggling just makes it worse. I haven’t read the bible but I’ve seen Pulp Fiction enough times to get the gist. Furious vengeance, y’all.
Comment of the day: I don’t think that’s a stork. It looks like the Burger King on a broom and I think he dropped a throbbing whopper in the worm field. Seems fine to me. ~ Yelocrab