If the worm house is rocking, don’t come knocking. Just leave.

So this weekend I accidentally bought a pornographic video game for my 4 year old.  It’s called “Viva Piñata” and it’s supposed to be for all ages if people of all ages like to watch cartoon animals have sex.  Basically you’re building a garden and encouraging worms and wildlife to grow in hopes that you’ll attract various living piñatas who prance around the garden and who I assume later get beaten to death by small children with sticks.  I don’t know because we didn’t get that far.  We got far enough that Hailey grew enough grass for the worms to have what the game calls “their romance dance”.  This is when I’m all “WTF?!” and my husband gives me this look like “Oh surely not”.   Then the worms go in their worm house and it starts bouncing because the worms are totally getting busy.  Then they show the inside of the worm house and the music starts and it’s all “Boom-chica-wow-wow” like some soft-core porn shot and I know I should turn it off but I can’t because it’s like a train wreck except instead of mangled trains it’s worm’s metaphorically fucking.  And then seconds later the stork shows up with an egg.  No shit.  I didn’t even know worms laid eggs.  You see the worm dance here although the porn music has been overdubbed with the Magic Flute for some reason.  So then I’m all “Well, that’s the last of the romance dance.  Surely we’re in the clear now” but no, pretty much pretty much the entire game is about animals and piñatas getting it on.  So then I’m all “Dude.  Kill the game” and Victor is like “Oh, it’s not that bad” and I’m like, “Okay, then you can explain to her daycare why Hailey is making all the class hamsters do the romance dance so they can get pregnant” and then Victor was all “OH MY GOD, HAILEY, THIS GAME IS BROKEN.”  So I called my sister and I’m telling her about the fucked up piñata game and she says “Clearly you are a terrible mother.  You need to get ‘Viva Piñata’.  It’s kid appropriate and my kids love it” and I’m like “THAT’S THE GAME I’M TALKING ABOUT” and she’s all “No way.  It’s rated E for Everyone.” and I’m like, “Seriously, have you ever watched the whole thing?  Romance. Dance.  Boom chica bow.” and it turns out that she hadn’t and I was all “Go ask your kids to show you the romance dance” and she was all “Shit.  I gotta go.”  So that’s why I think all video games should come with a check box for “May contain metaphoric videos of animals and/or piñatas getting it on” and also why I’m returning Viva Pinata for Doom II because if my kid’s going to be exposed to inappropriate scenes anyway I’d rather she learn how to kill zombies because honestly, when is getting worms to fuck ever going to come in handy?  Practically never, that’s when.

PS.  Yes I realized that Doom II is all about fighting demons released from hell and not zombies but I’m pretty sure they die the same way.  Also Hailey needs to know how to kill zombies and not demons escaping from hell because the demon thing only happens during the apocalypse and I’m pretty sure you’re not suppose to fight that.  It’s not like we could just kill all the demons and be all “Fuck you, God!” and then he’d be all “Curses!  Foiled again!”  He’s not Gargamel.  All he has to do is wiggle his nose and we all turn into pudding.  He’s like the deadliest mafia ninja in the universe and I’m pretty sure struggling just makes it worse.  I haven’t read the bible but I’ve seen Pulp Fiction enough times to get the gist.   Furious vengeance, y’all.

Comment of the day: I don’t think that’s a stork. It looks like the Burger King on a broom and I think he dropped a throbbing whopper in the worm field. Seems fine to me. ~ Yelocrab

140 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’ve played this game “Viva Piñata”. It’s suck !!

    But I love Doom II

    eric’s last blog post..www wamucards com

  2. You are not alone – check out /www.destructoid.com/the-evils-of-viva-pinata-28577.phtml#ext
    for further disturbing news about the death, destruction and consumption of the pinatas. Plus the second generation pinatas can be created by parent mating with child! Yuck!!!

  3. I don’t think that’s a stork. It looks like the Burger King on a broom and I think he dropped a throbbing whopper in the worm field. Seems fine to me.

    Everyone should have a zombie survival plan and this will be good for Hailey.

    This is a great example of outstanding parenting in action. It’s really what I come here for.

  4. You truly are the best Mom ever.

  5. I was originally going to comment on this post but now I am all about the first comment because, “throbbing whopper” is pretty much the strangest, funniest thing I will read today.

    jane’s last blog post..Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

  6. Seriously? That’s more graphic than my husband’s Grand Theft Auto game! At least you don’t see in the car while the hooker is giving you a blow job.
    Also: Those look like gummy worms and now I’m hungry. Thanks for that.

    Amber Mc’s last blog post..Uterus: Sweet Baby Home or Painful Organ of DOOOOM!!?

  7. You want to just cut to the chase and take Hailey to a shooting range.

    Meg’s last blog post..Televisual Injustice

  8. Really, though, is that any worse than the soft-core porn they run on VH1 and call reality shows? Watch “For the Love of RayJ” or any of the “Rock of Love” shows, it’s pretty much the worm love dance with more boobs…and less love.
    However, I had no idea that you make babies by doing the West Coast Swing. Apparently I’ve been doing it wrong.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Seven Reason Smackdown-Part 4

  9. Crap. Now I have to spend the entire day looking through my kids video games while they are at school. There is just no telling what is going on, all I know is if I catch Sonic the Hedgehog doing the Boom Chica Bow…well, at least I won’t have to have that talk with my 10 year old I’ve been dreading.

    Come to think of it, this may be a brilliant way out of it altogether…off to buy Viva Pinata!

    The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..15 Years Ago Today…

  10. It’s like on the radio. They bleep out “pornography”, but leave in the lyrics about “sliding down the pole, no panties no shirt”. Irony anyone??????????

  11. We have that game and I use it as an incentive. I was like “If I take off the handcuffs do you promise to make all the florescent paper animals copulate?” and they were all “MMMmm! Mmph! Mmm!” through their gags, which I’m pretty sure means “yes”.

    Kurt’s last blog post..The Interview Process Explained

  12. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make a video game where the house bounces as the worms get it on?? I’m pretty sure that worms do not live in houses.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..LOST S5ep5

  13. Hmmm–maybe I should look into Animal Crossing for Wii–who knows?

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..Something To Do With Food

  14. What the hell did I just watch?
    Impure! Unclean!

    But seriously, thanks for the heads up. I’m off to buy Doom II so my kid can learn self-defense the proper way!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..I’m Old As Dirt

  15. But Jenny, if the Pinata’s are getting laid, then that should make Hailey AND YOU really happy!! Think of all the candy that would come catapulting out of their tiny baby pinata vagina’s!! That’s like double the candy. And if it’s like the octo-mom it’s 14 times the candy. You’re going about this the wrong way!!

    Avery’s last blog post..THE BEST WEBSITE EVER

  16. I take back my last comment after watching the video. That’s creep-tastic. Get her Grand Theft Auto- teach her how to bitch slap a pimp and/or a hoe. And maybe one day she’ll repay you by stealing you a sweet car.

    Avery’s last blog post..THE BEST WEBSITE EVER

  17. Wow. What sick mind came up with that game? But, really, have you watched Snow White lately? Terrifying! And that’s for children.

    a’s last blog post..

  18. I thought all you had to do to get another worm was cut one in half. Try explaining THAT to a 4 year old.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..He Drives

  19. Worm porn? Kinky!

    Chris Wood’s last blog post..Celebrities Rule The World, Get Me Out Of Here

  20. When I have kids and they get to that “pre-pubescent stage” and I’m bored enough to mess with them, I’m totally telling them that’s where babies come from.

    It’d be all like, ” I know your school said you came from my pooter, but they’re lying. Two worms had sex in a furtile garden and then you were delivered in an egg. Me and daddy then showed up to decide which child looked more beatable and we picked you!”

    And then that’s when I’m pretty sure social services would show up and I’d have to go back to that stupid pornographic worm farm to get a replacement.

    Trista’s last blog post..Hawaii Day Fail

  21. You could always read to your kid. Like this week when Ten-year old and I read about Thomas Jefferson and his 14-year old slave girl mistress.

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..From the H-Files (The Hippie Files)–My First Love

  22. Hey! Does this game come in a version for wii? This would be way more fun than bowling and wii fit.

    Chris O’s last blog post..Increasing my vocabulary so can appear younger and cooler

  23. Google a great book: ‘Zombie Survival Guide’ by Max Brooks, a practical guide to surviving a Zombie Apocolypse.
    Oh, and get Resident Evil rather than Doom, its all Zombies babe, and no worm jiggie jiggie either.
    My little one is only 1yo, and she’s already popping to MTV. She loves music, but for me its more frightning than zombies what those music videos show !!
    Please daughter, dont aspire to Britney.

  24. You kind of make me want to have kids…

  25. chocolate pudding?

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..(Almost) Wordless Wednesday.

  26. Reminds me of the time I let my kids, who were pre-teens at the time, play The Sims II. And a couple got married (innocent enough) and then my daughter wanted to “Try to make a baby” and the couple got into the bed and a split screen came on, and they were, indeed, trying to make a baby.

    So…I let them keep playing but told them not to make babies when their father was home.

    Candy’s last blog post..In Which I Speak Proudly of the Fruit of my Loins (and Wonder if Women Have Loins)

  27. There is totally an add for the game bookworm next to this post! LMAO!

  28. Look, all I know is when my husband says, “throbbing whopper” I drop what I’m doing and head to the bedroom to beat his worm pinata with a stick.

    If that’s wrong, I so don’t want to be right.

    That’s pretty much the script for the most awesome video game ever.

    However, when you start mixing throbbing zombie whoppers and worm pinatas, shit gets crazy.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Have you ever tried to name a company? Well, have you?

  29. I don’t understand why everybody’s always so down on Gargamel. In my opinion he is WAY cooler than God.

  30. Dude, I bet the animator of the game is the same guy who got fired from disney for writing “sex” in the smoke in the Lion King and the giant penis tower in The LIttle Mermaid. Fucker.

  31. I think you should prepare her against zombies AND incestual worms.

    Keely’s last blog post..Bling blingity bling, bling bling bling bling

  32. Next you should let her watch all three Resident Evil movies so she can really take notes instead of having the PS3 controller in her hand the whole time.

    Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..Two Truths And A Lie

  33. Wow, I will have to alert my game developer husband about this. They had a game that flopped because it included a segment where the player could use coins they picked up while skateboarding to watch live-action video from Scores. Now I can let him know times have changed enough that he can get away with simulated sex among party toys and lower animals.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Dear Pebbles – updated with park review

  34. Thanks for the info. Maybe the husband and I should rent this Viva Pinata for after the children are asleep, if you know what I mean.

    Janna’s last blog post..File Under: Conversations that make me feel like a failure

  35. We have that game…it was nice of Santa to bring my four year old porn for Christmas.

  36. I used to just tell my kids we were talking. Then I’d shut the door in their face and turn the lock. You could have just said the worms were talking. It works for a while. Until they hear you… so thus the Magic Flute…Just crank it loud.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Dear Mr. President. A letter.

  37. at least you didn’t get to the cannibalistic “piñatavores”

  38. Zombie killing is an important skill. Without it, your brain is likely to be eaten before the age of 25.

    fidget’s last blog post..Ain’t no strange cocks ’round here and other weird things I said today

  39. The Magic Flute is clearly more of a turn-on than porn music. Nothing says sexy like men and women in powdered wigs prancing about in various frilly articles of clothing.

    I need a cold shower now.

    Natalie’s last blog post..WHOA.

  40. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it today.

    annie’s last blog post..Memories

  41. This is so going into my porn collection. Which is good, because I’ve grown tired of Taboo Anal Pleasures 8 (except the one with the glow-in-the-dark body paints).

    Cat’s last blog post..I Want 18 Kids Now, Or At Least My Virginity Back

  42. I have a real live worm house in my garage and I can tell you for realsy that worms do not get it on in their house, so clearly that game is completely unrealistic. I’m not completely certain how they do reproduce, but I know that they do because I seem to have more and more of them all of the time.

    Why do I have worms in my garage? Because I’m from Oregon and we’re environmentalists.

    Recovering Straight Girl’s last blog post..If being gay is a choice, I choose Yes.

  43. If you get her Diablo she can learn to kill both zombies and demon – just in case the need arises.

    T with Honey’s last blog post..State of the Bump at 17 Weeks

  44. That? Is some seriously effed up sh*t.

    wordnerd’s last blog post..Seeing Red

  45. Okay – seriously? I do not even want to look at a worm just sitting there there, let alone, you know, DOING IT. Gag.

    This gives a whole new meaning to the word WORMHOLE. Heh.

    Lesley’s last blog post..Because For All I Know I Might Be A Mars Rover (Which Is Totally Possible Considering How Cute I Am) (AND YES IT TOOK ME LIKE EIGHT DAYS TO WRITE THIS CRAP – SO WHAT?!)

  46. I just come here when I need a break from my chicken fucker pr0n.

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..Ever?

  47. OMG!!! I totally saw this cartoon while I was in the hospital after 30 hours of labor and then a c-section – thank you very much – and when I tried to explain to people that this pinata was all sad because his streamers were falling off and a turtle made him a magic potion that worked but made him fat everyone thought I was halucinating! I didn’t think it could get any weirder….hmmm….

  48. Don’t take back the game. keep it on hand for when she gets a little older and starts asking questions: Just slide that game on over and say: “Talk to me again when you get the high score” and bam you’re done. You can sit around eating meth and “vacuuming” your “cat” and totally not worry about it.

    Ryan’s last blog post..The Fat Lady Sings

  49. Surely you gest! 🙂

    Also avoid TV shows like Barney, Backyardigans, and the Smurfs…they are full of pr0n.

  50. I’m pretty sure the zombie thing will be more important, at least if you live near me. We’re nearly convinced that our across the street neighbors are zombies under cover. One day they will be revoling and will need to be killed. Can I borrow Hailey for that?

    Kristine’s last blog post..Shhhhhhhh, the universe is listening

  51. You’re absolutely right, what an outrage! Why should children think that disco and swing dancing are the way to create offspring?

    That’s why, when the kids in my life were 4 and 6, we had them play Duke Nukem. Much better.

  52. Ffff. Lady, please. You want to teach your child self-defense against zombies, get her an actual Resident Evil game. Or better yet, take her to your local outdated arcade and have her play Carnevil (assuming she can reach the buttons) — now that game has class.

  53. Srsly, check out Zoo Tycoon. The animals go lay down next to each other, then little hearts pop up over their heads. And half the time the girl animal winds up pregnant. a few minutes later, she lays down some where with a stork bubble over her head, and a baby magically appears somewhere nearby.

    Weird, but not as bad as the worm house bouncing around. that’s just plain creepy.

    Lorraine’s last blog post..A fresh new look

  54. you find that objectionable? really? i guess you’re right, children should never witness animals having sex… after all, farm kids are *so* messed up…

  55. I think this one is clearly the best illustration:

  56. Getting worms to fuck is really important if you’ve got a worm composting bin, which I do and is fantastic. At least the game left out the fact that worms are hermaphroditic… talk about worm porn. That little ring around them is their sex organ. It’s right there on the outside, so technically just looking at worms is a sinful act.

    PS- You should read the poem my daughter wrote for Valentine’s day because I know you’d appreciate it.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Best Valentine’s Poem Ever

  57. Long live the fristy worms! Let them have their day in the mud or the pinata. We all could learn more about the romance dance about now!

    Beth’s last blog post..Give the Ultimate Gift: The ‘Once Around’

  58. look at THIS one:

  59. Now I know what to show my kid when he asks me how babies are made.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Expert Photography

  60. You’re a hero. Preparing the next generation for certain future zombie attacks makes you one.

    Brandy’s last blog post..Blah

  61. Gargamel was the worst wizard ever. Most folks would have been making blue soup midway through the first episode. But of course, that would have made for a short series. So for the producers’ purposes, I suppose yes, casting the world’s worst wizard was probably a good thing.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..UPDATED: Why children are the best!

  62. Oh shit. I am laughing and coughing at the same time now. Which HURTS, btw.

    Off to watch the romance dance…

    tracey’s last blog post..One of those posts where you THOUGHT you knew where it was going, but it took on a life of its own and you are too lazy to try to find more cohesion..

  63. You know, Saturday Night Fever has a whole different meaning now. Or maybe it’s the same meaning and I just didn’t get it because I was a stupid little kid.

    Um, how does a worm fist?

    Just curious.

  64. WTF is up with the shake when the worms come out of the house? They both do a little shake move and it looks like little sweat beads fly off. For-fucking-real?! I swear I thought my husband was the only one who did the shake.
    P.S. Just so you know, if zombies come back to get us, I totally have a plan to save myself (fine, and my family unless they are asshole zombies, then screw them!) but I can’t tell anyone about it in case you turn into a zombie then you would get me. So I think I’m safe on that route.

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..I Heart Faces

  65. Ha ha ha kids need so much coddling today. My grandma had to find out the old-fashioned way that swing dancing led to babies. Dunno about the bouncing houses, though. I think maybe they were afraid to bounce the house because the blackout curtains would flap around and let light escape and then the airplanes (which weren’t throbbingwhopperdropping storks) would bomb them. Although maybe a bomb could be nicknamed a throbbingwhopper, which would be funny because all those macho US Air Force bomber guys would be referring to a children’s game about schtupping invertebrates.

    I love coffee!

    Crystal’s last blog post.."Please don’t beat me."

  66. If Gargamel was God, then Azriel would be the AntiChrist. And if we defeated him using all that our little blue allies have taught us, we could make millions of pairs of AntiChrist kitten mittens from his giant pelt and the homeless would never go cold again!

    Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..Handball Tips and Hobo Law: Something for Everyone, Really

  67. And you didn’t even show the clip of the Mousemallow’s romance dance in which one Mousemallow cranks something in the other one’s ass and suddenly he’s all, “hello” and his ears perk up and, well, hijinks ensue.

    Laurie Ann’s last blog post..Just to let you know I’m still alive

  68. I think in another ten years the Viagra commercials will actually have nude couples dancing around in a flower bed, him with a tungsten stiffy and her doing her best to avoid getting impaled on it while doing the Tango.

    Chris’s last blog post..I’ll Take Bloated Crackheads for $200 Alex

  69. You know, I’ve just gotta say, Viva Pinata sounds a whole lot better than the princess shit my four-year-old is into. It’s like a disease, I did NOTHING to introduce her to them, they just seeped into her life, like a virus. Virus Ariel. They’re repulsive. I’m hosting a princess book burning party in our den this weekend and not telling her. Will make for a romantic Valentine’s Eve.

    Ellen’s last blog post..How to handle telemarketing calls: let your four-year-old talk

  70. Worm fucking is nothing in this game…As you become a Master Pinata Creator – you get to make large Pinata Zebra Hippo looking creatures fuck….but sometimes they don’t WANT to fuck, so you have to give them “love candy” to lure them into fucking. Which is just stupid in my opinion…Have you ever met a Pinata that didn’t want to fuck? Oh, and also – you can’t get the “Master Worm Fucking” Badge, until you get them to fuck seven times. I just typed the word fuck seven times.

  71. I SO want to hear the porn music. It just doesn’t have the same impact with that stupid flute music. Are you sure you’re telling the truth? Because if it really does have the boom chicka wow track over that worm house moving so suggestively, I may have to buy the game. Too funny!!!!

    Holly Forrest’s last blog post..Literary Friendships

  72. I’m not sure what you expected from a game that contains in its title the words “pocket paradise.” With that name you’re lucky the pinatas don’t masturbate too.

  73. I want to know what kind of video game Jenny would come up with!!!!!

  74. I get it. This is like your Valentine’s post for all us readers. Worm love. So sweet!

    Wendy at let the dog in’s last blog post..on the nose picker

  75. Well, as long as they’re just metaphorically fucking. Hey, I wonder if my husband would be down for some of that?

  76. You really don’t need to worry.

    Most worm species are hermaphrodites.

    Or maybe that means you need to worry MORE?

    Now it’s not just worm sex, it’s kinky worm sex.

    The Mother’s last blog post..No Mother is Allowed to be Sick Alone

  77. That was freakin hilarious. When the house started doing the humpity hump dance I was like what the fuck!

    Worm porn… Good times, good times.

  78. 79
    skinny malinky

    Great; when I tried to see the worm video, my web filter here at my job blocked me. Now I’m going to have to have a chat with HR.
    “So, worm porn, huh?”
    “Hey, I’m just glad you didn’t see the thing about fisting the president.”
    [long pause]
    “I’m fired now, aren’t I?”
    “Yes. Yes you are”

  79. This is what I think and it might be a little controversial.

    A little porn never hurt anyone.

    I mean keep it age appropriate of course. And this game with the hearts flying and the swing dancing and all the misinformation about the worms reproductive process is as appropriate as Disney where teenagers are wandering around kissing strangers dressed up as fucking medieval princes.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..On Being a Contest Slut

  80. the kid’s cartoon Fineas and Ferb has a song in it like that, “Chick A Chick Bow Wow, that what my baby says….” who ever made it was laughing inside.

    my 4 year old daugther is always singing it. Maybe I should get her the pinata porno game as a companion piece.

    reeky’s last blog post..Raising Sensitive Children in An Insensitve World

  81. If you want to teach her how to shoot zombies you need House of the Dead 😉

  82. LMFAO! Viva Pinata is porn for the Christian set.

  83. CRAZY!

    (and maybe we almost bought it for BubTar once. glad we didn’t now.)

  84. God can’t turn us to pudding. You’re jusy making crap up, Jenny The Bloggess.

    Black Hockey Jesus’s last blog post..The Barrel

  85. Furious vengeance…. 😐

    furiousBall’s last blog post..The Important Book for Racists?

  86. Aw, you mean you gave up after the worms? You didn’t get to see the ones that REALLY look like they’re doin’ it!

    Some of them just bounce around and line dance, but every once in a while, I’d swear they’re doin’ like the Lambada or something.

    We just finished up with Pinata II, and my kids really love the Gameboy version, too. There’s pinata sex in EVERY room of the house, now.

    What?! It’s a beautiful, natural part of life! Fake, paper-covered, candy-filled life!

    Mikki’s last blog post..Oh, how I miss you.

  87. That’s why we farm families send our kids outside in the fresh air.

    Just kidding. I bought Grease and Grease II for my kids… I sure hope that stuff goes over their heads like it did mine at that age.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Being Grateful… and a Contest!

  88. I wish my mother taught me how to kill zombies… and demons too, you can never know!

  89. Don’t buy The Sims then ’cause they have beds and they Woo-Hoo like no one’s business.

    We love it.

  90. They key to zombie killing is to aim for the head. That’s all she needs to know. You’re welcome.

  91. I thought worms reproduced by chopping off their ass and a new worm just grew out of the bit of ass. I had no idea they did the happy dance in some straw hut. That’s disturbing. I feel better about killing them then…

  92. You are such a good mommy. Shhhh, I’m getting this video for my “collection”.

  93. When God brings down his wrath upon all of us, do we get to choose what kind of pudding we want to be? Because I totally want to be butterscotch. I like to be different, yo.

    Andi’s last blog post..Somebody needs a damn cookie

  94. You might want to be careful about exposing her to Giant Microbes then – the Giant Fat Cell and the Strep bug are horny little gits!


    EdT.’s last blog post..I am not sure what story this tells, but looking at this photo leaves me with nothing to say, so I guess it counts as a Wordless Wednesday post

  95. I’m glad that when worms have sex it looks like the set of Boogie Nights, because that’s totally how I pictured it.

    Hippo Brigade’s last blog post..A Little Chat with Jesus

  96. Those worms should have been dancing to Footloose.

    And I am totally getting this for my teenaged daughters. I haven’t had the worms and the dance talk with them yet.

  97. What the fucking fuck? I thought it was bad enough with the Sims made Woo-Hoo!

    jessie’s last blog post..I Think I’ll Wait Another Year

  98. You need to teach Hailey how to handle a Zombie Piñata. That’s a proper survival skill.

    You’re welcome.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Winter Wood

  99. When I read “Gargamel” I thought it was an ancient King mentioned in the They Might Be Giant’s song “Mesopotamians,” which kind of freaked me out because I didn’t realize those Kings had so much power. Then I checked the link and saw it was that dude from The Smurfs. I didn’t watch The Smurfs so I don’t feel nearly as powerless as I did when I read your post.

    Also, the bouncing house is totally unrealistic. I mean, does anyone have sex so hard they make the walls shake? Feels like that, but get real. I think that could do the most damage to children, actually. I mean, how could my daughter’s first sexual experience ever live up to that? Clearly THE reason that she should never see it.

  100. I love that the worms totally do the “walk of shame” where they walk out at separate times and go different ways. Like we totally don’t know that they were just gettin’ Barry-White-and-juicy-lube kinds of freaky in the worm house. How stupid do those worms think we are?

  101. We have YouTube censored on this side of the world and I am afraid to search for any other version of the video because my kids read and delete my computers browsing history all the time. No idea why.

    Zeynep’s last blog post..Take This Waltz

  102. Go Grand Theft Auto..cause nothing says quality parenting like knowing your kids know how to execute a gang drive by and pick up hookers. That’s the shit they don’t teach you in schools. At least not in Florida.

    Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..It’s what I do

  103. Piñatas are originally supposed to represent Lucifer and that’s why they are beaten to death with sticks in mexico. So tecnically, the whole thing was wrong from the start. I’m coming up with a kid friendly videogame and i’m thinkg of ‘Heil Hittler’ for a name… it could basically be like viva piñata but with fornicating nazis… but you kill them… it might be violent but it has a purpose.

    Esther’s last blog post..venti grande fuckin mocha latte decaf plis

  104. I’m old enough that when I first read the “worm dance” I thought I was going to see parachute pants and some guy flopping around on the ground to the soundtrack from Electric Boogaloo. But you meant the worm dance and that’s just all kinds of disturbing — although they did include the funky lights so maybe the parachute pants wearing worm was just about to make his entrance. I wouldn’t know, I just couldn’t finish watching.

  105. That’s just wrong. She should be learning about sex on the playground from the creepy boy in her class that is inexplicably five years older than everyone else and claims to have seen his brother’s public hair, like everyone else’s kids.


    Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy’s last blog post..The Final Day: Clark Kent’s Lunchbox vs. Pacing the Panic Room

  106. Haha this is one of my favorite posts of yours… I rofl’ed the entire time because I have played the game, and I do agree that zombie defense building is a much better use of time.

    snowcaps’s last blog post..God

  107. My God, Nintendo should hire you to review their games. Screw Chipotle, make Nintendo pony up Jenny!

    That’s a seriously funny PSA, thanks for the review. I sure don’t want any worm fornication happening in my house!

  108. If you’ve seen Pulp Fiction, then you’ve seen God himself in action, Samuel L. Jackson. Who else but God could be omnipresent? (Or stand to listen to John Travolta for that long?)

    And let me tell you, by the way, SLJ help you if you ever find yourself in a motherfuckin’ plane with some motherfuckin’ snakes.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Developments at our house, Vol. 12

  109. Needed that laugh today. Thanks!

    Lizulfisa’s last blog post..You think YOU had a productive day?!?!?

  110. I didn’t believe you about the porn music during the romance dance. I’ll admit it, I thought you were exaggerating for the sake of humour. Then I YouTube’d it.

    I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Jenny.

  111. 112

    That game is the stupidest game in existence in my opinion. And I’ve played some horrible games. Did you know it’s a multiplayer game? As in, if your kid is too young to operate the controller properly you can use your controller to help them. Which is clearly not necessary because I’m pretty sure if they’re old enough for soft porn they’re old enough to play a game by themselves.

    Oh, and there’s a TV show about them. That has a cult-like feel a la The Island (that movie with the clone people not Fantasy Island). They live their whole lives to have the pleasure of being beaten to death by some children.

    Well my rant is over. Half Life 2 is good for zombie killing training, but it totally doesn’t make sense to me.

  112. i love you. you make me laugh every time.

  113. The spank-bank is full for another day, thank you!

  114. No joke after reading this post, I received an “email from god” (which i get regularly cause he likes spamming me I guess) and it read something along the lines of, “That’s right bitches! I am the deadliest mafia ninja in the universe!!!” Swear!

    Sarah’s last blog post..Double!!! Monday Momisms

  115. I was fine until I got to Gargamel and the deadliest mafia ninja in the universe. Then I just lost it.

    Will have to read the whole thing again when I stop laughing.

    TexasRed’s last blog post..Huge Valentine’s Plans

  116. OH. MY…

    i have friends that say things like “i got raped by a baby”…”who teaches a BABY to rape??” or just “fuckfuckfuckmotherfuckfuck” when they play mariokart…it seems so innocent.

    video games. they bring out the best.

    shanna’s last blog post..…oh for the love!

  117. You’re providing a valuable public service posting about this. Thank you for that.

    mrtl’s last blog post..The Furlough Song

  118. 119

    I totally wanted them to smoke little worm cigarettes after…

  119. 120

    Beware. This is next http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYnJB-jgkqg

  120. Do silk worms fuck? Cause if so, there is a very lucrative potential to learning how to sex’em up. Just sayin’

  121. Who doesn’t love some good old fashioned worm porn? wait, can worm’s even have sex? I don’t think so…

  122. I’m learning that all the 4 year olds love MarioKart. Nat just loves driving off the edge of the track and driving with the princesses, but it’s a hit all the same

    Katy’s last blog post..They’re Coming to Take Me Away (UPDATED)

  123. 125
    alamo guthrie

    i would have been suspicious at “Pocket Paradise” or intrigued.

  124. Do they have that for the Wii?

    texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana’s last blog post..Blog Vacation 2009

  125. I keep waiting to see the Left4Dead zombies perpetrating illicit acts in the hazy distance . . . I’d be disappointed if the developers didn’t have fun with that!

    But worm sex for children is just weird. Especially since, um, the stork would in theory eat the worms, right? Not deliver their offspring in a cheerful handkerchief.

    Red Flashlight’s last blog post..Comics and Funnies

  126. Oh hell, Jenny! Let her play Viva Pinata, once she grows up she’ll learn there is no romance once she gets married. Let them have their fantasies while they still can!

  127. Thanks. You make me laugh every time.

  128. Now why can’t you be a modern progressive mother and embrace the fact that you must begin sexual education with your children early in life these days. You must prepare your daughter for her teen pregnancy, which by my exacting calculations, will occur between 10 and 12 years from now. This is just simple biology lady. WTF is the big deal. Don’t you want to be a grandmother yet??

  129. We’ve had Viva Pinata for almost two years now, and it’s the awesomest game ever. SERIOUSLY. My boys love it. I love it. It’s amazing.

    I’ll admit I laughed about the romance dance though. hehe

    Rhea’s last blog post..Not a Valentine’s post

  130. Jenny I swear … I think you and our very own, Lindaloohoo share the same crazy brain. Just one of the many reasons I love you both.

    You are so practical – learning how to kill demons and zombies is much better for her. I hear the going rate for that is MUCH higher than getting paid to do the romance dance.

    Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..That Betty Crocker chick? She’s hot, dude.

  131. Didn’t you know the worm sex was in there so that the parents could totally get in the mood to make more babies by watching it and then you’d have to buy more rated E videogames for the extra children so they could all play and whatnot? It’s all a sneaky marketing ploy. Those dirty bastards.

    trannyhead’s last blog post..A Valentine’s Day Memory from Middle School

  132. […] I had just finished leaving a far MORE sarcastic comment about kinky hermaphroditic worm sex for the Bloggess. But I swear, she deserved […]

  133. I totally just ordered this game.

    mommiebear2’s last blog post..Hello Jackson!

  134. Love the way you write… this is hilarious and totally something that would happen to me!

    Brookmis’s last blog post..

  135. […] The bloggess finds out about the birds, the bees and the worms? […]

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  137. LOL!!! First of all- yes, zombie killing is WAY more needed than knowing how to get worms to fuck. Crazy ass game! I am laughing at the first video b/c after the “romance dance” is done the one worm HIGH TAILED it out of the house. I am guessing this is the male worm???!?! LOL!!!

    Lorzarn’s last blog post..I Love Me a BIG ONE

  138. […] The bloggess finds out about the birds, the bees and the worms? […]

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