If the worm house is rocking, don’t come knocking. Just leave.

So this weekend I accidentally bought a pornographic video game for my 4 year old.  It’s called “Viva Piñata” and it’s supposed to be for all ages if people of all ages like to watch cartoon animals have sex.  Basically you’re building a garden and encouraging worms and wildlife to grow in hopes that you’ll attract various living piñatas who prance around the garden and who I assume later get beaten to death by small children with sticks.  I don’t know because we didn’t get that far.  We got far enough that Hailey grew enough grass for the worms to have what the game calls “their romance dance”.  This is when I’m all “WTF?!” and my husband gives me this look like “Oh surely not”.   Then the worms go in their worm house and it starts bouncing because the worms are totally getting busy.  Then they show the inside of the worm house and the music starts and it’s all “Boom-chica-wow-wow” like some soft-core porn shot and I know I should turn it off but I can’t because it’s like a train wreck except instead of mangled trains it’s worm’s metaphorically fucking.  And then seconds later the stork shows up with an egg.  No shit.  I didn’t even know worms laid eggs.  You see the worm dance here although the porn music has been overdubbed with the Magic Flute for some reason.  So then I’m all “Well, that’s the last of the romance dance.  Surely we’re in the clear now” but no, pretty much pretty much the entire game is about animals and piñatas getting it on.  So then I’m all “Dude.  Kill the game” and Victor is like “Oh, it’s not that bad” and I’m like, “Okay, then you can explain to her daycare why Hailey is making all the class hamsters do the romance dance so they can get pregnant” and then Victor was all “OH MY GOD, HAILEY, THIS GAME IS BROKEN.”  So I called my sister and I’m telling her about the fucked up piñata game and she says “Clearly you are a terrible mother.  You need to get ‘Viva Piñata’.  It’s kid appropriate and my kids love it” and I’m like “THAT’S THE GAME I’M TALKING ABOUT” and she’s all “No way.  It’s rated E for Everyone.” and I’m like, “Seriously, have you ever watched the whole thing?  Romance. Dance.  Boom chica bow.” and it turns out that she hadn’t and I was all “Go ask your kids to show you the romance dance” and she was all “Shit.  I gotta go.”  So that’s why I think all video games should come with a check box for “May contain metaphoric videos of animals and/or piñatas getting it on” and also why I’m returning Viva Pinata for Doom II because if my kid’s going to be exposed to inappropriate scenes anyway I’d rather she learn how to kill zombies because honestly, when is getting worms to fuck ever going to come in handy?  Practically never, that’s when.

PS.  Yes I realized that Doom II is all about fighting demons released from hell and not zombies but I’m pretty sure they die the same way.  Also Hailey needs to know how to kill zombies and not demons escaping from hell because the demon thing only happens during the apocalypse and I’m pretty sure you’re not suppose to fight that.  It’s not like we could just kill all the demons and be all “Fuck you, God!” and then he’d be all “Curses!  Foiled again!”  He’s not Gargamel.  All he has to do is wiggle his nose and we all turn into pudding.  He’s like the deadliest mafia ninja in the universe and I’m pretty sure struggling just makes it worse.  I haven’t read the bible but I’ve seen Pulp Fiction enough times to get the gist.   Furious vengeance, y’all.

Comment of the day: I don’t think that’s a stork. It looks like the Burger King on a broom and I think he dropped a throbbing whopper in the worm field. Seems fine to me. ~ Yelocrab

140 thoughts on “If the worm house is rocking, don’t come knocking. Just leave.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You are not alone – check out /www.destructoid.com/the-evils-of-viva-pinata-28577.phtml#ext
    for further disturbing news about the death, destruction and consumption of the pinatas. Plus the second generation pinatas can be created by parent mating with child! Yuck!!!

  2. I don’t think that’s a stork. It looks like the Burger King on a broom and I think he dropped a throbbing whopper in the worm field. Seems fine to me.

    Everyone should have a zombie survival plan and this will be good for Hailey.

    This is a great example of outstanding parenting in action. It’s really what I come here for.

  3. Really, though, is that any worse than the soft-core porn they run on VH1 and call reality shows? Watch “For the Love of RayJ” or any of the “Rock of Love” shows, it’s pretty much the worm love dance with more boobs…and less love.
    However, I had no idea that you make babies by doing the West Coast Swing. Apparently I’ve been doing it wrong.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Seven Reason Smackdown-Part 4

  4. Crap. Now I have to spend the entire day looking through my kids video games while they are at school. There is just no telling what is going on, all I know is if I catch Sonic the Hedgehog doing the Boom Chica Bow…well, at least I won’t have to have that talk with my 10 year old I’ve been dreading.

    Come to think of it, this may be a brilliant way out of it altogether…off to buy Viva Pinata!

    The Stiletto Mom’s last blog post..15 Years Ago Today…

  5. It’s like on the radio. They bleep out “pornography”, but leave in the lyrics about “sliding down the pole, no panties no shirt”. Irony anyone??????????

  6. We have that game and I use it as an incentive. I was like “If I take off the handcuffs do you promise to make all the florescent paper animals copulate?” and they were all “MMMmm! Mmph! Mmm!” through their gags, which I’m pretty sure means “yes”.

    Kurt’s last blog post..The Interview Process Explained

  7. But Jenny, if the Pinata’s are getting laid, then that should make Hailey AND YOU really happy!! Think of all the candy that would come catapulting out of their tiny baby pinata vagina’s!! That’s like double the candy. And if it’s like the octo-mom it’s 14 times the candy. You’re going about this the wrong way!!

    Avery’s last blog post..THE BEST WEBSITE EVER

  8. I take back my last comment after watching the video. That’s creep-tastic. Get her Grand Theft Auto- teach her how to bitch slap a pimp and/or a hoe. And maybe one day she’ll repay you by stealing you a sweet car.

    Avery’s last blog post..THE BEST WEBSITE EVER

  9. Wow. What sick mind came up with that game? But, really, have you watched Snow White lately? Terrifying! And that’s for children.

    a’s last blog post..

  10. When I have kids and they get to that “pre-pubescent stage” and I’m bored enough to mess with them, I’m totally telling them that’s where babies come from.

    It’d be all like, ” I know your school said you came from my pooter, but they’re lying. Two worms had sex in a furtile garden and then you were delivered in an egg. Me and daddy then showed up to decide which child looked more beatable and we picked you!”

    And then that’s when I’m pretty sure social services would show up and I’d have to go back to that stupid pornographic worm farm to get a replacement.

    Trista’s last blog post..Hawaii Day Fail

  11. Google a great book: ‘Zombie Survival Guide’ by Max Brooks, a practical guide to surviving a Zombie Apocolypse.
    Oh, and get Resident Evil rather than Doom, its all Zombies babe, and no worm jiggie jiggie either.
    My little one is only 1yo, and she’s already popping to MTV. She loves music, but for me its more frightning than zombies what those music videos show !!
    Please daughter, dont aspire to Britney.

  12. Reminds me of the time I let my kids, who were pre-teens at the time, play The Sims II. And a couple got married (innocent enough) and then my daughter wanted to “Try to make a baby” and the couple got into the bed and a split screen came on, and they were, indeed, trying to make a baby.

    So…I let them keep playing but told them not to make babies when their father was home.

    Candy’s last blog post..In Which I Speak Proudly of the Fruit of my Loins (and Wonder if Women Have Loins)

  13. Look, all I know is when my husband says, “throbbing whopper” I drop what I’m doing and head to the bedroom to beat his worm pinata with a stick.

    If that’s wrong, I so don’t want to be right.

    That’s pretty much the script for the most awesome video game ever.

    However, when you start mixing throbbing zombie whoppers and worm pinatas, shit gets crazy.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Have you ever tried to name a company? Well, have you?

  14. Dude, I bet the animator of the game is the same guy who got fired from disney for writing “sex” in the smoke in the Lion King and the giant penis tower in The LIttle Mermaid. Fucker.

  15. Wow, I will have to alert my game developer husband about this. They had a game that flopped because it included a segment where the player could use coins they picked up while skateboarding to watch live-action video from Scores. Now I can let him know times have changed enough that he can get away with simulated sex among party toys and lower animals.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Dear Pebbles – updated with park review

  16. I used to just tell my kids we were talking. Then I’d shut the door in their face and turn the lock. You could have just said the worms were talking. It works for a while. Until they hear you… so thus the Magic Flute…Just crank it loud.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Dear Mr. President. A letter.

  17. The Magic Flute is clearly more of a turn-on than porn music. Nothing says sexy like men and women in powdered wigs prancing about in various frilly articles of clothing.

    I need a cold shower now.

    Natalie’s last blog post..WHOA.

  18. I have a real live worm house in my garage and I can tell you for realsy that worms do not get it on in their house, so clearly that game is completely unrealistic. I’m not completely certain how they do reproduce, but I know that they do because I seem to have more and more of them all of the time.

    Why do I have worms in my garage? Because I’m from Oregon and we’re environmentalists.

    Recovering Straight Girl’s last blog post..If being gay is a choice, I choose Yes.

  19. OMG!!! I totally saw this cartoon while I was in the hospital after 30 hours of labor and then a c-section – thank you very much – and when I tried to explain to people that this pinata was all sad because his streamers were falling off and a turtle made him a magic potion that worked but made him fat everyone thought I was halucinating! I didn’t think it could get any weirder….hmmm….

  20. Don’t take back the game. keep it on hand for when she gets a little older and starts asking questions: Just slide that game on over and say: “Talk to me again when you get the high score” and bam you’re done. You can sit around eating meth and “vacuuming” your “cat” and totally not worry about it.

    Ryan’s last blog post..The Fat Lady Sings

  21. Surely you gest! 🙂

    Also avoid TV shows like Barney, Backyardigans, and the Smurfs…they are full of pr0n.

  22. I’m pretty sure the zombie thing will be more important, at least if you live near me. We’re nearly convinced that our across the street neighbors are zombies under cover. One day they will be revoling and will need to be killed. Can I borrow Hailey for that?

    Kristine’s last blog post..Shhhhhhhh, the universe is listening

  23. You’re absolutely right, what an outrage! Why should children think that disco and swing dancing are the way to create offspring?

    That’s why, when the kids in my life were 4 and 6, we had them play Duke Nukem. Much better.

  24. Ffff. Lady, please. You want to teach your child self-defense against zombies, get her an actual Resident Evil game. Or better yet, take her to your local outdated arcade and have her play Carnevil (assuming she can reach the buttons) — now that game has class.

  25. Srsly, check out Zoo Tycoon. The animals go lay down next to each other, then little hearts pop up over their heads. And half the time the girl animal winds up pregnant. a few minutes later, she lays down some where with a stork bubble over her head, and a baby magically appears somewhere nearby.

    Weird, but not as bad as the worm house bouncing around. that’s just plain creepy.

    Lorraine’s last blog post..A fresh new look

  26. you find that objectionable? really? i guess you’re right, children should never witness animals having sex… after all, farm kids are *so* messed up…

  27. Getting worms to fuck is really important if you’ve got a worm composting bin, which I do and is fantastic. At least the game left out the fact that worms are hermaphroditic… talk about worm porn. That little ring around them is their sex organ. It’s right there on the outside, so technically just looking at worms is a sinful act.

    PS- You should read the poem my daughter wrote for Valentine’s day because I know you’d appreciate it.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Best Valentine’s Poem Ever

  28. Gargamel was the worst wizard ever. Most folks would have been making blue soup midway through the first episode. But of course, that would have made for a short series. So for the producers’ purposes, I suppose yes, casting the world’s worst wizard was probably a good thing.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..UPDATED: Why children are the best!

  29. You know, Saturday Night Fever has a whole different meaning now. Or maybe it’s the same meaning and I just didn’t get it because I was a stupid little kid.

    Um, how does a worm fist?

    Just curious.

  30. WTF is up with the shake when the worms come out of the house? They both do a little shake move and it looks like little sweat beads fly off. For-fucking-real?! I swear I thought my husband was the only one who did the shake.
    P.S. Just so you know, if zombies come back to get us, I totally have a plan to save myself (fine, and my family unless they are asshole zombies, then screw them!) but I can’t tell anyone about it in case you turn into a zombie then you would get me. So I think I’m safe on that route.

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..I Heart Faces

  31. Ha ha ha kids need so much coddling today. My grandma had to find out the old-fashioned way that swing dancing led to babies. Dunno about the bouncing houses, though. I think maybe they were afraid to bounce the house because the blackout curtains would flap around and let light escape and then the airplanes (which weren’t throbbingwhopperdropping storks) would bomb them. Although maybe a bomb could be nicknamed a throbbingwhopper, which would be funny because all those macho US Air Force bomber guys would be referring to a children’s game about schtupping invertebrates.

    I love coffee!

    Crystal’s last blog post.."Please don’t beat me."

  32. You know, I’ve just gotta say, Viva Pinata sounds a whole lot better than the princess shit my four-year-old is into. It’s like a disease, I did NOTHING to introduce her to them, they just seeped into her life, like a virus. Virus Ariel. They’re repulsive. I’m hosting a princess book burning party in our den this weekend and not telling her. Will make for a romantic Valentine’s Eve.

    Ellen’s last blog post..How to handle telemarketing calls: let your four-year-old talk

  33. Worm fucking is nothing in this game…As you become a Master Pinata Creator – you get to make large Pinata Zebra Hippo looking creatures fuck….but sometimes they don’t WANT to fuck, so you have to give them “love candy” to lure them into fucking. Which is just stupid in my opinion…Have you ever met a Pinata that didn’t want to fuck? Oh, and also – you can’t get the “Master Worm Fucking” Badge, until you get them to fuck seven times. I just typed the word fuck seven times.

  34. I SO want to hear the porn music. It just doesn’t have the same impact with that stupid flute music. Are you sure you’re telling the truth? Because if it really does have the boom chicka wow track over that worm house moving so suggestively, I may have to buy the game. Too funny!!!!

    Holly Forrest’s last blog post..Literary Friendships

  35. I’m not sure what you expected from a game that contains in its title the words “pocket paradise.” With that name you’re lucky the pinatas don’t masturbate too.

  36. That was freakin hilarious. When the house started doing the humpity hump dance I was like what the fuck!

    Worm porn… Good times, good times.

  37. Great; when I tried to see the worm video, my web filter here at my job blocked me. Now I’m going to have to have a chat with HR.
    “So, worm porn, huh?”
    “Hey, I’m just glad you didn’t see the thing about fisting the president.”
    [long pause]
    “I’m fired now, aren’t I?”
    “Yes. Yes you are”

  38. This is what I think and it might be a little controversial.

    A little porn never hurt anyone.

    I mean keep it age appropriate of course. And this game with the hearts flying and the swing dancing and all the misinformation about the worms reproductive process is as appropriate as Disney where teenagers are wandering around kissing strangers dressed up as fucking medieval princes.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..On Being a Contest Slut

  39. Aw, you mean you gave up after the worms? You didn’t get to see the ones that REALLY look like they’re doin’ it!

    Some of them just bounce around and line dance, but every once in a while, I’d swear they’re doin’ like the Lambada or something.

    We just finished up with Pinata II, and my kids really love the Gameboy version, too. There’s pinata sex in EVERY room of the house, now.

    What?! It’s a beautiful, natural part of life! Fake, paper-covered, candy-filled life!

    Mikki’s last blog post..Oh, how I miss you.

  40. I thought worms reproduced by chopping off their ass and a new worm just grew out of the bit of ass. I had no idea they did the happy dance in some straw hut. That’s disturbing. I feel better about killing them then…

  41. Those worms should have been dancing to Footloose.

    And I am totally getting this for my teenaged daughters. I haven’t had the worms and the dance talk with them yet.

  42. When I read “Gargamel” I thought it was an ancient King mentioned in the They Might Be Giant’s song “Mesopotamians,” which kind of freaked me out because I didn’t realize those Kings had so much power. Then I checked the link and saw it was that dude from The Smurfs. I didn’t watch The Smurfs so I don’t feel nearly as powerless as I did when I read your post.

    Also, the bouncing house is totally unrealistic. I mean, does anyone have sex so hard they make the walls shake? Feels like that, but get real. I think that could do the most damage to children, actually. I mean, how could my daughter’s first sexual experience ever live up to that? Clearly THE reason that she should never see it.

  43. I love that the worms totally do the “walk of shame” where they walk out at separate times and go different ways. Like we totally don’t know that they were just gettin’ Barry-White-and-juicy-lube kinds of freaky in the worm house. How stupid do those worms think we are?

  44. We have YouTube censored on this side of the world and I am afraid to search for any other version of the video because my kids read and delete my computers browsing history all the time. No idea why.

    Zeynep’s last blog post..Take This Waltz

  45. Go Grand Theft Auto..cause nothing says quality parenting like knowing your kids know how to execute a gang drive by and pick up hookers. That’s the shit they don’t teach you in schools. At least not in Florida.

    Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..It’s what I do

  46. Piñatas are originally supposed to represent Lucifer and that’s why they are beaten to death with sticks in mexico. So tecnically, the whole thing was wrong from the start. I’m coming up with a kid friendly videogame and i’m thinkg of ‘Heil Hittler’ for a name… it could basically be like viva piñata but with fornicating nazis… but you kill them… it might be violent but it has a purpose.

    Esther’s last blog post..venti grande fuckin mocha latte decaf plis

  47. I’m old enough that when I first read the “worm dance” I thought I was going to see parachute pants and some guy flopping around on the ground to the soundtrack from Electric Boogaloo. But you meant the worm dance and that’s just all kinds of disturbing — although they did include the funky lights so maybe the parachute pants wearing worm was just about to make his entrance. I wouldn’t know, I just couldn’t finish watching.

  48. Haha this is one of my favorite posts of yours… I rofl’ed the entire time because I have played the game, and I do agree that zombie defense building is a much better use of time.

    snowcaps’s last blog post..God

  49. My God, Nintendo should hire you to review their games. Screw Chipotle, make Nintendo pony up Jenny!

    That’s a seriously funny PSA, thanks for the review. I sure don’t want any worm fornication happening in my house!

  50. If you’ve seen Pulp Fiction, then you’ve seen God himself in action, Samuel L. Jackson. Who else but God could be omnipresent? (Or stand to listen to John Travolta for that long?)

    And let me tell you, by the way, SLJ help you if you ever find yourself in a motherfuckin’ plane with some motherfuckin’ snakes.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Developments at our house, Vol. 12

  51. I didn’t believe you about the porn music during the romance dance. I’ll admit it, I thought you were exaggerating for the sake of humour. Then I YouTube’d it.

    I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Jenny.

  52. That game is the stupidest game in existence in my opinion. And I’ve played some horrible games. Did you know it’s a multiplayer game? As in, if your kid is too young to operate the controller properly you can use your controller to help them. Which is clearly not necessary because I’m pretty sure if they’re old enough for soft porn they’re old enough to play a game by themselves.

    Oh, and there’s a TV show about them. That has a cult-like feel a la The Island (that movie with the clone people not Fantasy Island). They live their whole lives to have the pleasure of being beaten to death by some children.

    Well my rant is over. Half Life 2 is good for zombie killing training, but it totally doesn’t make sense to me.

  53. No joke after reading this post, I received an “email from god” (which i get regularly cause he likes spamming me I guess) and it read something along the lines of, “That’s right bitches! I am the deadliest mafia ninja in the universe!!!” Swear!

    Sarah’s last blog post..Double!!! Monday Momisms

  54. OH. MY…
    …HAHA…BAaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    i have friends that say things like “i got raped by a baby”…”who teaches a BABY to rape??” or just “fuckfuckfuckmotherfuckfuck” when they play mariokart…it seems so innocent.

    video games. they bring out the best.

    shanna’s last blog post..…oh for the love!

  55. I keep waiting to see the Left4Dead zombies perpetrating illicit acts in the hazy distance . . . I’d be disappointed if the developers didn’t have fun with that!

    But worm sex for children is just weird. Especially since, um, the stork would in theory eat the worms, right? Not deliver their offspring in a cheerful handkerchief.

    Red Flashlight’s last blog post..Comics and Funnies

  56. Oh hell, Jenny! Let her play Viva Pinata, once she grows up she’ll learn there is no romance once she gets married. Let them have their fantasies while they still can!

  57. Now why can’t you be a modern progressive mother and embrace the fact that you must begin sexual education with your children early in life these days. You must prepare your daughter for her teen pregnancy, which by my exacting calculations, will occur between 10 and 12 years from now. This is just simple biology lady. WTF is the big deal. Don’t you want to be a grandmother yet??

  58. We’ve had Viva Pinata for almost two years now, and it’s the awesomest game ever. SERIOUSLY. My boys love it. I love it. It’s amazing.

    I’ll admit I laughed about the romance dance though. hehe

    Rhea’s last blog post..Not a Valentine’s post

  59. Didn’t you know the worm sex was in there so that the parents could totally get in the mood to make more babies by watching it and then you’d have to buy more rated E videogames for the extra children so they could all play and whatnot? It’s all a sneaky marketing ploy. Those dirty bastards.

    trannyhead’s last blog post..A Valentine’s Day Memory from Middle School

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  61. LOL!!! First of all- yes, zombie killing is WAY more needed than knowing how to get worms to fuck. Crazy ass game! I am laughing at the first video b/c after the “romance dance” is done the one worm HIGH TAILED it out of the house. I am guessing this is the male worm???!?! LOL!!!

    Lorzarn’s last blog post..I Love Me a BIG ONE

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