UPDATED: 50 bucks to take your 4-year-old to look at corpses = highway robbery

So today is Valentines Day but Victor is in Florida buying Japanese swords and did not leave me candy, jewelry or flowers.  And granted, I don’t like any of those things and think that Valentines Day is dumb but still, everyone else is out getting wined and dined and my husband is getting drunk and buying weapons.  So I called him and told him that for Valentines Day I was going to buy myself a new confidence wig because I’m going to be screaming the c-word at the Mom 2.0 Summit next week and Victor was all “You have enough wigs” because he thinks wigs are like hall-trees.  Like you just buy one and it lasts forever. Then I asked my four-year-old what she wanted for Valentines Day and she said she wanted to go see the Corpse Display at the museum.  True story.  This is going to be the best Valentines Day ever.

UPDATED: Holy crap, y’all  It’s like $50 to see the dead body display.  For that price I could make my own.  Honesty, it’s like the Museum of Science is daring me to steal corpses from the funeral home.  Which I would never do because cemeteries have less security because that would be wrong.

PS.  My Valentines Day gift to you…a robot cat that you can force to say inappropriate phrases.  My personal favorite is having the voice of Nigel say “Every time I raise my eyebrows I’m thinking about having sex with your stuffed animals.”

PPS.  This post is somewhat lame so I’m padding it with a new letter from Nancy W. Kappes who really needs her own blog:

I got some shit to talk about hair. I was looking through old photos and saw one of my mother and went, “JESUS CHRIST in a rowboat!” (‘cause…well..he doesn’t need a rowboat, does he?)  Anywhore, this photo was taken when my mom was younger than me and holy fucking shit! It must be at Thanksgiving ‘cause she’s laughing and waving a turkey baster……oh no. oh, fucking hells, no. AAUUGHHH JJJJEEEEENNNNNNNEEEEE! My dad was a physician! She must have been in charge of the abortion/insemination plans.

Okay, anyway, she totally looked like fuck, so I’m all, “Claire! Gettcher ass down here and help mama, sweetie!.”  She takes a look and goes, “Shit. Grandma looks older than you. And you’re a big drunk!”  Hmm. The thing was….her hair. I mean, she would go to the hairdresser once a week and get it “done.” JJJEENNNNN!  SHE HAD A COIF! I’M OLD AND I DON’T GOT NO FOKIN COIF! I mean, Christ, I don’t go a month without dyeing it some funky-ass colour. Plus, it just is there. On my head. Doing nothing. Just there in whatever dumb-shit way it wants to look. Do YOU have a coif? I know you have rollers and a hair dryer, but shit the bed, fred! Does this mean I am doomed? When I turned 30, my sister was living in Boston and took me to the Snazzy Place in B’ton. Now, at the time, I could  sit on my hair, and I liked it. BUT these bastards got me drunk and high and it seemed like a good idea to cut it off. When they were finished, it looked like someone had taken Mary Tyler Moore’s hair and put it on my head. I fuckin freaked out and started beating the shit out of some queen. THAT was the last time I have been to a “beauty parlor” to get my “hair” “done.” 

Nancy W. Kappes

 

 

Paralegal

 UPDATED part 2:  I couldn’t find a good wig so I just restyled one of my old ones and added the Pink Panther glasses that came with Hailey’s happy meal.  I’m totally ready for the Mom 2.0 Summit.  I’ll be the whorey blonde hiding in the toilet.

 Also, I just had a super professional conference call with Kristen, Jordan, and Ed about our panel (“It’s the end of PR as we know it and we feel fine“) and it was pretty much like this…

Kristen:  Did you get the dildo email?  Someone needs to talk about the dildo people.  This aggression will not stand.

Me:  “So what exactly does P.R. stand for?”

Jordan:  “I’m not even supposed to be on this panel.”

Ed:  “I can’t believe you people are making me write down ‘dildo’ on my meeting minutes.  Are any of you allergic to peacocks?  Because I have a great idea.”

Me:  “No, seriously…is it Puerto Rico?  Is Puerto Rico ending?”

Comment of the day:  Making a twitchy, British cat say “I like to drink the blood of children,” or “I’m going to get you so pregnant, bitch”? That’s what I call Valentine’s Day. ~ skinny malinky

93 thoughts on “UPDATED: 50 bucks to take your 4-year-old to look at corpses = highway robbery

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “Peggy is a whore”

    Best valentine ever.

    Also, if I were you I would demand a really great sword from Victor and then you could wield it menacingly at mommyblogger conventions if anyone talked shit about your confidence wig. Worst case scenario? Someone loses a leg or something, which (I hear) is blogging gold.

    Havi Brooks (and duck)’s last blog post..Friday Check-in #28: sock monkey edition

  2. TOO MANY WIGS? There is no such thing as too many wigs. That’s like saying “oh, there is too much chocolate” or “this glass has too much vodka in it” or “these children are too quiet and well behaved.” Absurd talk.

    missbanshee’s last blog post..Vegas: The Trail of Tears

  3. My husband calls me Peggy – a reference to Peggy Bundy so I take offense to the whole “Peggy is a whore” thing. Although, tonight being Valentine’s and all, I just may have to live up to that notion.

    Undomestic Diva’s last blog post..Sad news

  4. Thanks Jenny! I just sent that card to all my nieces and nephews demanding that they give me tuna.

    “SHE HAD A COIF! I’M OLD AND I DON’T GOT NO FOKIN COIF!” This is the best line yet!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Happy Valentines!

  5. Damn this BB, cut off half my post. After Young…(insert your own descriptive word here because I don’t want to insult you just in case you do have a sword lying around)”.

  6. I’m not sure if Nancy Kappes, Paralegal needs a blog or a bed in a secure facility.

    For the record, we are not all being wined and dined today. My husband is working all weekend and I am cleaning up the vomit from yesterday’s viral explosion. My guy did get me a gift but it is the ugliest effing jewelry I have ever seen and when I asked him where he got it he said the receptionist at work was selling it. Then I had to pretend that I love it and at some point I will actually have to wear the shit or he will realize that I do, in fact, loathe it.

    Maybe I will re-gift it to his mother. It would serve him right.

    I would have rather had a Japanese sword.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..“This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.”

  7. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny … you know you should call me when Victor’s leaving town. And I’m not thinking about your stuffed animals.

  8. I am getting a hard disk drive for Valentine’s Day. And I have to open up the computer my own self to figure out what kind to buy.

  9. The most interesting part about the dead bodies at the museum is the coal miner’s black lung. It’s worse than the smoker’s lung. I also liked the drawer-guy. I think I need something like that to keep my jewelry in.

    The best part of the dead bodies is watching your husband gag his way through the whole exhibit.

  10. The corpse museum exhibit display is so yucky. We boycotted the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry when they were showing it. So did you actually go, or just get freaked out at the ridiculous price?

    Thanks for the gift of the robot cat. It reminded me of something fun. Consider it my gift to you. Are you familiar with Monk-e-mail? Check out http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/default.aspx/?siteid=blog_rss_typepad_01262006

    Holly Forrest’s last blog post..St. Valentine and the Dragon

  11. I think the price is a way of weeding out the faint of heart. If you’re freaking over the prices, you’re probably going to faint in the museum, which equals lawsuit. But at least Nancy the pair-a-legal can help you..

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..He Drives

  12. Thanks for the robotic cat Valentine’s Day gift, Jenny.

    Try typing in the following and have Beth speak it (or better still, Nigel):

    I just swallowed a mouse. And when I say “mouse,” I mean semen.

    Beth’s a whore. (So is Nigel.)

    This is the Best Valentine’s Day Ever.

  13. Making a twitchy, British cat say “I like to drink the blood of children,” or “I’m going to get you so pregnant, bitch”? That’s what I call Valentine’s Day.

  14. Dude, Nancy sooo needs her own blog. I’d totally read that shit too. More funny, bat shit crazy chick blogs, PLEASE!

  15. MY GOD I LOVE YOU! I tried making the cat saw ‘fuck me raw and send me an apricot’ but I guess fuck is a bad word these days. Fucking PC fascists! I had to settle for ravage instead. At least I still got my apricot…

  16. Me and my 6 year old wanted to go to the corpse museum when it was here in Salt Lake a couple months ago … nice to know they made it safely to your side of the world. Well, by safely, I guess I just mean intact, since their still dead. I hope …

    Oh, but daddy nixed the whole trip, thought it might be too much for little Crichton. Too much for daddy, more like it, he was barely able to film my C-section last May … you should see how the camera shakes … pathetic.

    Mrs. B. Roth’s last blog post..Where’s the Chocolate and Flowers? Have a Robot Instead.

  17. dear bloggess,

    i tried to send you a cat valentine, but you have to sign up and pay and shit to make actually send that cat anywhere. here’s what i wrote, and you can make that cat say it to you the next time you’re over there visiting it. i chose “graham” for its voice. graham said:

    i would never leave you on valentine’s day while i went out drunk and buying weapons. i would always take you with me so that you could also be out drunk and buying weapons. victor can eff himself. you and nancy make me and my b f f laugh so hard that we drink even more. valentine’s love from nashville-ish, tennessee.

  18. My one question to Little Miss Paralegal is does that stuff come out just as she thinks it? Or does some kind of editing take place? I’m wondering if her words flow, kind of like Shakespeare and how he allegedly wrote so fast that there were never ink spots on his manuscripts? Cauze if that’s the case she is totally genius. What new words to the English language is she going to contribute to us through this adventure?

  19. My dad and I went to the corpse musuem in Montreal after we went and saw the police. Which taking a moment to reread that seems weird because why would we go see the Mounties? We didn’t we went and saw the band, you know with sting? anyway, we bought tickets on line a couple of days before and were in a hurry to go see the dead people and then drive back to America. And we stood in line for a while and then this security lady came by and said that they couldn’t show us the dead people because the air conditioning wasn’t working or something.

    She said we could get our money back if we just called the museum later, we called and called and never received a refund. I never got to see the corpses. But the police were sweet.

    deidre’s last blog post..Since posting about flippy floppies

  20. I totally have that wig.

    I could be your double. Like that dude running around pretending to be Obama but his ears are not big enough.

  21. I was going to leave you a witty comment but I forgot it and died of old age while scrolling down to the bottom of your comment list. Every time I come here I die of old age while scrolling. YOU GET TOO MANY COMMENTS AND I’M NOT LEAVING ONE!

    Someone has to stop the insanity after all.

    You look pretty hot in that photo but I’m married so stop hitting on me, whore.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.

    scott’s last blog post..About My Wife

  22. I didn’t get any flowers or chocolate for Valentine’s Day either. But my husband did drive 200 miles to go work on the house because I told him, the sooner we sell it, the sooner he can get a new car. So I guess that’s our gift to each other – I get to put all of my stuff in one place, he gets a new car. Win win win.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..twin leprechauns

  23. So I was reading this post and DH (dear husband) was all like “why are you laughing” and I said “I’m reading the blog and it’s really funny.”

    He gave me a strange look so I said “The woman who writes it is like one of those crazy people who stand on a corner screaming and whose dirty and holding a sign, except that she writes a blog. And she also posts emails from this lady who is like one of those people who file lawsuits against George W. Bush and the Pope and Jesus Christ and God Almighty.”

    DH said “they dismissed that lawsuit.”

    And I’m like “what?”

    DH: “There’s no personal jurisdiction over God Almighty.”

    So there you go.

    @ElizabethPW’s last blog post..ElizabethPW: @Bluewolf2072 just 2, the storage facility. slow elevator. no public bathrooms, so there you go I guess.

  24. The whole of India is a corpse museum, you just have to walk down the road. Death rocks here. I just spent 3 wks in Puri where the crematorium is right on the beachfront, number one public place in town. Gotta love this country…

  25. I think you have a nice rack. Would you mind bending over a bit in your next pic? We deserve a cleavage peek, right?

  26. Holy crap, woman! OK, the next time Victor goes out of town and you call me to rush over, wear that wig. But have the Bettie Page wig on standby.

  27. I’ve gone to that exhibit back when it was here at OMSI — it was alright, I suppose, a little morbid, slightly unbelievable. They had this lamb on display, only it wasn’t a lamb, it was just all of the lamb’s blood vessels, so it was like looking at a wad of suspended red thread in the shape of a lamb.

    It was gross. But awesome.

    Has anyone ever told you you’d look good as a hooker?

    … I hope you take that as a compliment.

    Liv’s last blog post..I’d rather have Mimi as a sister. At least she’s entertaining.

  28. Valentine’s Day? Meh … I don’t give a shit till you and Nancy start creating greeting cards. Then I’ll start caring about the 14th. Till then, Cupid can suck it!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Say What?

  29. La Framéricaine… Too many shoes? I don’t understand how those words fit together.. You’ve lost me..

    Bodyworlds was freakin’ cool! Saw it in Vegas. It was expensive but worth it. Course I was hiding from my family after spending a weekend with them so that may have enhanced my happiness.. but it was still cool. Since I was taking an anatomy class at the time I considered it studying as well.

    I made the cat say Hello Clairee in the Nigel voice. It sounds like Hannibal Lecter but faster.

  30. For my 13th Anniversary, Valentine’s day this year I got to take my husband to the hospital so he could have a kidney stone looked at. He still has the stone but now bleeds like a girl. I think I’ve been avenged. 🙂 I’m so going out and buying a wig.

  31. So, I tried to make that cat say “Fuck off,” but it wouldn’t let me, as you implied in your post. So, I cleverly typed in “Fuh cough” and made it talk like Nigel. It was like a proper British dressing-down that made me almost pee my pants with laughter and amazement at my ingenuity. I think I spelled a lot of words wrong in this comment, and I am sorry for that. But you get the drift anyway.

  32. I just had a grand ol’ time with robot cat. It wouldn’t let him cuz tho, no fun. I think I may have a thing for Graham the voice. Can you have a thing for a voice?

    Brandy’s last blog post..Blah

  33. We already saw those dead people, so technically you would be paying ANOTHER $50, which means that you would have paid $100 to see dead people, when you could just crash a funeral for free. Plus you could get a free lunch.

  34. corpse display was a totalllll rip off.

    like seriously? they sent all the shit to ct.
    like wtf.

    blonde whore in the toilet?
    if you were in the toilet, i would probably be alot more excited to pee.

    but i’m still pretty darn excited.

  35. If you decide to “visit” a funeral home, let me know, because besides dead bodies they also have industrial-quality makeup, like spackle, which is totally awesome when you’ve had a rough weekend (which I did). If you go get a corpse, I definitely want some face spackle. And maybe a new right arm, because my burned one totally fucking hurts, but the new/dead arm has to have a hand with a good manicure. Thanks!

    Lori’s last blog post..Time For A Total Brain Flush

  36. Hey Jenny and Hailey –

    The corpse museum was great and completely worth the money. It was a little crowded but when will you have a chance to see cut up bodies and body parts and it not seem quite so morbid?

  37. The cat isn’t working for me which is frustrating. I had great plans for the British cat to recite Nine Inch Nails “Fuck You Like An Animal”

  38. I need more on the Confidence Wig. I clicked the link, but that was insufficient information. Where does one PURCHASE a confidence wig? How many should one own? How does one CHOOSE? Is it based on CONFIDENCE FACTORS?

    Swistle’s last blog post..The New One is Red

  39. So when I went to make the robotic British cat say something hilarious, I got this message: Due to high demand, this service is currently not available. Please try again later. Service Unavailable.

    Apparently everyone and their mom wants to hear a cat say something horrific about animal porn…..

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