She probably even looked hotter after she died because you automatically lose like 2 pounds when you void your bowels

If the evil Queen from Snow White was magical enough to turn herself into an old hag to give Snow White the poison apple then why didn’t she just use her magic to make her self look exactly like Snow White but like with bigger boobs?  Also, even after Snow White was dead she was still so sexy that the dwarves put her in a glass coffin so they could ogle her dead body so technically she was still the fairest in the land.  I bet when the Queen was all “Who’s the fairest now, bitch?” the magic mirror was like “Yeah, there is a rotting corpse in the woods that’s hotter than you”.  If I was the queen I’d throw acid in the faces of everyone prettier than me and I’d also carry a scythe to chop off the knees of anyone who could beat me in the standing long jump too because I’m pretty kick-ass at that and you have to have something besides sexiness to fall back on.

I just had two xanax but I’m pretty sure this all makes sense.

Comment of the day: I’ve always wondered about the glass coffin. It’s more like a zombie terrarium. ~ Aprylsantics

129 thoughts on “She probably even looked hotter after she died because you automatically lose like 2 pounds when you void your bowels

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Really? I think, God, this annoying whiney woman who is willing to clean house for seven little dwarf-men while whistling and who is dumb enough to eat an apple handed to her by the haggiest hag she’s ever seen kind of deserves to die.

    anymommy’s last blog post..Home Cold Home

  2. Good questions, all. I believe Walt Disney has all the answers, but alas, he is dead. He is so dead that a sloppy kiss from a happy prince won’t even help him at this point. This is all so sad. Now I’m glum. Want a bite of my apple?

    juliejulie’s last blog post..Living with Brilliance

  3. You keep bragging about the wicked cool drugs you get to take but you never offer to share! That’s just not nice. Didn’t your mother teach you better…?

  4. Huh, so you know how they talk about your “soul” weighing 20 ounces or something like that (there was a movie about this that I haven’t seen with Naomi Watts, I think) — turns out that’s really piss? Or, good god, your soul is actually piss? (Or crap?) I need 2 xanax.

  5. I totally never got the whole “Snow White” deal. I mean, hmm..you just wake up from a coma, then you’re gonna go marry a stranger? Really?

    Seraphim’s last blog post..Holy Hell.

  6. Your question: “If the evil Queen from Snow White was magical enough to turn herself into an old hag to give Snow White the poison apple then why didn’t she just use her magic to make her self look exactly like Snow White but like with bigger boobs?”

    My question: “If the evil Queen from Snow White was magical enough to turn herself into an old hag to give Snow White the poison apple then why didn’t she just use her magic to invent Xanax so she didn’t give a shit about Snow White?”

  7. You are now running a close 2nd to Karen Walker (of Will and Grace, naturally) on my list of people-I-want-to-be-but-in-own-original-and-much-more-amazing-way.

    You’re only 2nd because A.) She’s fictional…sssoooo maybe not as creepy for me to want to be her? Or is it more creepy? Hmm. Anyway and B.) I’m new to your blog but I think you have like a lot of kids…

  8. I trump you: a fistfull of dexatrim max, red bull/vodka and just for funsies I threw in a laxative.

    *This* post, was pure brilliance.

    And the last blog that will show up under this, is about me teaching religion. THAT’S brilliance and great timing.

    traci’s last blog post..Tales From a Religion School Teacher

  9. Hell, let’s go one better. If she was such an evil queen, why did she hire an out of work wrestler to take Snow White out into the woods when she could have done the evil deed herself and saved herself the time and hassle of dealing with dwarfs, woodland creatures and a shitload of useless animation? All evil needs a contingency plan. Don’t they teach that in Evil 101?

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..HASAY: I have an excuse! (Actually, five of them!)

  10. Let’s face it, Queen Grimhilde (I looked it up) was a total, control-freak, type-A nutjob. I mean, all this drama over who’s hotter? And the poison apple and shape-changing? Come on! Way too convoluted. This is the sort of personality that keeps letting James Bond escape. If Bond or Snow White ever had to deal with a decent, reasonably sane villain, they wouldn’t last five minutes.

    Steve’s last blog post..Science!

  11. I know, what’s with the glass coffin? Freaky dude.
    And for Xanax…that is wild shit. Just one got me all zoned.
    But two Bloggess? You go girlfriend!

  12. YOU are kickass at the standing long jump? Because I am kickass at the standing long jump. I challenge small children all the time, just so they know what’s what. I think we should take xanax together and have a standing long jump competition. But that might make us tired, so maybe we should have a sitting long jump competition instead. And some gravy.

    penne’s last blog post..Let your fingers do the walking.

  13. Maybe the guys at Disney realized this and that’s why they made the Octopus chick in The Little Mermaid smart enough to make her the evil twin of Ariel… only they still didn’t make her as hot… so maybe they really aren’t that bright.

    Abby’s last blog post..#27 – Day 66

  14. I’ve had a few beers but it makes total sense to me.

    If it had Teen Wolf, a shive and shilleleigh it would make waaaaay more sense.

    But here’s the thing…. Even though I comment on here I know it’s all reverse psychology and you’re really my biggest fan.

    So you can come clean now… But only if clean means that you can still take Xanax and Meth and I can drink beer.

    the end.

    Betsey’s last blog post..Wolf Man’s Got Nuggets!

  15. “Yeah, there is a rotting corpse in the woods that’s hotter than you”

    How did I live for so long before discovering your blog? Seriously, how?

  16. and why doesn’t Cinderella tell her step-mother and sisters to suck it? and why don’t they recognize her even though she has on a different dress? and why aren’t there any other women in the whole damn kingdom with the same shoe size? and why don’t the idiot fairies bring Aurora back to the castle on the day AFTER her 16th birthday? or instead of burning all the spinning wheels they could have just shown her one and said “dude, this is a spindle, for fuck’s sake don’t touch it!”?
    Why yes, I do also have a 5 year old girl.

    EdenSky’s last blog post..Breastfeeding Nazis Can Bite My Left Tit.

  17. It does make sense, and I know what I’m talking about, because I just won a Major Award (like, national!) and I’m happy and stuff… But I also did NOT win one category, and I think I’m going to have to, um, prevent the winner from entering anything next year. Plus I’m getting a fancy medal, which I am really happy about, but I’m already planning on disassembling jealous squirrels and using their tails to shine my medal. So? Acid and scythes? Flawless logic.

  18. I’m glad I’m not the only one who ponders shit like this.

    This won’t make any sense unless you’ve read all of the previous comments:

    It was 21 Grams, not 20 ounces.

    I’ve heard Vern Troyner, the dude that played Mini Me, is hung. Like literally a third leg.

    The difference between a scythe and a katana is that they’ll never make a cell phone called The Scythe.

    April’s last blog post..Happy birthday to That Crazy Mom

  19. Hey, I just had 2 Xanaxes, Xanaxi, two totem poles and I am totally there with you on Snow White and the Witch issue

    However, you could have made her relationship with the seven little men clearer.

  20. This seems like one of those posts that you work on at work in a flash of madness genius. However, in this case, you would ask someone at work how to spell “scythe” and they would slowly back out of the room.

  21. OMG, are you from a cooler universe than the rest of us are from? You’re totally on, here… who would want a poopy, undead teenager whose powers are causing birds to break out into song when he could have a powerful sorceress? DUH!

  22. I dunno, man. I’m personally still stuck trying to figure out why the hell the bird from Thumbelina didn’t just fly her back home from the beginning when he clearly had enough energy to fly her to some clearing in the middle of the woods at the end of the goddamn movie. WHERE IS THE LOGIC, DISNEY? (… That. That was Disney, right? Or was that just Don Bluth?)

  23. What I don’t understand is why the Queen had to turn herself into such an ugly old woman. I mean, if a woman like that turned up at my door, I certainly wouldn’t eat anything she offered. In one of the different artistic renderings, she has one eye that is so huge, it looks like it is going to pop out. I am sorry, that is not something I want to see when I eat.

  24. I don’t think I can watch Disney movies in the same way anymore…

    7 men? And midgets?

    Frack. ALL the Disney stories are a bit freaky, if you ask me.

    But you didn’t.

    But you can’t trust anyone who whistles while they work.. is that even the same movie?

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..

  25. I love the messages that Disney is sending our little girls: live with lots of men, accept food from strangers, and you should definitely marry the first guy to do stuff to your unconscious body. Awesome.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Sympathy Pains

  26. Oh my god you are the coolest thing since sliced okra! My day was kinda poopy and you, like a golden sunshine shower, made me laugh. Don’t forget in the Grimm fairy tale the witch also gave Snow White a corset that strangled her (disguised as a peddler) and a poisoned comb (disguised as an old woman) before the apple. Which just goes to show, you may be the fairest of the all, but that doesn’t make you the smartest.

  27. You need to add the label “posts that will get me hate mail” to this one, because I’m sure someone, somewhere will be all offended by the acid-in-face comment.

    Have you ever actually gotten hate mail? Will you post some? Pleeeeeez?

    Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..Questions

  28. I feel like you can’t even compare the beauty of someone like Snow White to someone like the evil queen. The evil queen is like an older bad girl MILF and Snow White is like the cutesie barely legal girl next door. They should team up and make a Girls Gone Wild video, actually.

    carolinemichelle’s last blog post..Aaaaand I’m shady

  29. When I was still a fetus, I had a twin. But then I killed her and kicked her sorry ass out. But then I read you and I wonder if I didn’t just remember it wrong because it was years and years ago, and since I really can’t remember what I did this morning, let alone decades ago, maybe I didn’t kill her. And then I read your next post, and I think it all over again, and it’s like deja vu, cause like I can’t remember what I did this morning, let alone years and years ago, so maybe I didn’t kill her….

  30. “If the evil Queen from Snow White was magical enough to turn herself into an old hag to give Snow White the poison apple then why didn’t she just use her magic to make her self look exactly like Snow White but like with bigger boobs?”

    Holy fuck, I’d never thought of that before.

    Officially a “why the hell didn’t I think of that?” moment. Dammit.

  31. I play this game all the time with my 3 year old, but I NEVER get to be the evil queen. I’m always the hapless Snow White and my little sweetheart always laughs as I’m *dying* after eating her poisoned apple.

  32. You know, to be the Fairest In The Land, you kind of have to actually be in the land. Since neither the witch nor Snow White was actually in the land, neither is actually eligible. Had Snow White had a traditional burial, yeah, but as it is, they’re really competing for Fairest In The Approximately Six Feet Of Atmosphere Just Above The Land. I’m sure there’s some slasher flick in which some hot scantily-clad teen gets buried alive. There’s your Fairest In The Land right there.

    The Dead Acorn’s last blog post..She Blinded Me With Science

  33. You know this is probably the real version of that story. You know how the story of Sleeping Beauty in the original text had the prince raping the fair maiden. Which kind of leads me to that wench should have known better than to take an apple from a creepy stranger…especially when those animals in the forest were all like “NO DON’T”.

    Jenn’s last blog post..New DWTS Season

  34. This is like with Rapunzel. How did she end up NOT crazy? I mean, she was locked up in a tower from birth, met a prince (the only man she’s ever seen in the world, by the way) because he knocked her up (and she probably didn’t even know what that meant). Oh, and I’m pretty sure she had to develop some serious schizophrenia.

  35. I’m having lyposuction after I die. Really it’s in my will. And have my boobs lifted. If I can’t be a skinny bitch with lifted boobs now, I want to look that way at my wake. I want everyone to say “gosh she looks so skinny”. And the whole glass coffin thing – I get it and want one.

    Kelli’s last blog post..I Gotta Blow My Nose Dude

  36. I want to know why Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel were not starved to death and nude when those stinking Princes got around to saving their asses? I mean really. If someone could smuggle them food and new duds then couldn’t they just jail break or something?

  37. Well, Rapunzel had a witch-mom who DID love her, sort of. She brought her food and junk, remember? As for Sleeping Beauty, I don’t know. She should have been dead for a loong time.

  38. After sitting through the incredibly sad moment in The Notebook (when both of them decide to die together) my friend Megan leaned in and whispered, “You know that nurse is thinking, ‘fuck, I have to clean double the mess now’.” Which of course, made me laugh hysterically at a very inappropriate moment.
    However, she forever changed the way I see that movie. In the same way, you transformed Snow White into the magical film it was always meant to be.

    – sorry, my comments are way too long.

  39. Picture the scene:
    The handsome prince lifts the lid on the glass coffin, leans over and kisses Snow White. She groans, opens her eyes, reaches up and pulls him down towards her. Then she bites him on the neck whilst muttering, “Must have BRAAAAIIINNSS!!!”

    I’d pay to watch that movie.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Technoranti

  40. Really wouldn’t it be easier for the queen to just buy some new clothes, let her hair down, maybe get a makeover? I mean she wasn’t bad looking, just a little uptight. Snow White was OK, but not really all that. Considering the age category, with a little work the queen could have totally taken her.

    Summer’s last blog post..4 hours with a 3 year old

  41. So I just looked up the Grimm Brothers’ original story, and Snow White is

    SEVEN YEARS OLD

    when the evil queen goes all medieval on her ass. So… that makes the prince a creeper child molester. And sort of makes it better that she was so dumb to take the poisoned apple from a gross old hag, because, I mean, she’s a freakin’ toddler.

  42. To go further with the Grimm version, the evil queen was in fact her mother, not a step-mother. So when she wished for a daughter with “skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as ebony.” You’d think she would’ve thrown in a “and breasts the size of acorns”. It makes perfect sense to me. Now I need a xanax, but I’m pregnant…with a little girl…crap, do you think she’ll have bigger boobs than me?

    Really, I can’t have xanax? *sigh*

  43. Those dwarves . . . . those little pervert necros——-you telling me none of ’em peeked into Hoohahville or Boobland to see whass goin’ on theres.. .?

    I bet the 8th one no one talks about was Fistey.

  44. I almost watched Snow White with my kids last night. But then I was worried shit like this would keep me all night. So instead we watched Alice in Wonderland. You know the one with Whoopi Goldberg…the newer one. Well I’m pretty sure that was equally as creepy and the person who made it was dosing on acid at the time

    WM’s last blog post..Things that should never be Tweeted

  45. Odd, xanex doesn’t make me think about Snow White and the dwarfs… but sometimes if I look in the mirror, they make me think of the ugly witch. But usually, they just make me float on air. Heh.

    Lea’s last blog post..Liars

  46. Totally makes sense to me. But I am doing a cleanse and feel kinda lightheaded and like I might faint or puke, so that could be influencing my opinion.

  47. Because if she used her magic to look exactly like Snow White, but with bigger boobs this would be an ENITRELY different type of movie. It would also probably involve naked outdoor mud wrestling and “dwarfing” which is kinda like “fisting” but you know…with a dwarf.

    Aaron’s last blog post..Robots of War

  48. When I watch it all I can think about is how Snow White must have had some killer halitosis after sleeping those untold years.

    Actually that is always what I think about when people in movies kiss first thing in the morning.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Nap Weaning, Day One

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