So the other day my friend (Tracy) was telling me about this documentary he saw about this woman who had a tiny upper body but everything from her waist down was enormous and I was all “My God. I bet her labia is huge” and that’s when Tracy put down his fork and said he wouldn’t eat lunch with me anymore.
Me: But scientifically it makes sense that her labia would be enormous. If I were her I’d roll it up with binder clips. Or those pink soft curlers we slept in when were little.
Tracy: Yeah…I’m a dude, remember?
Me: And then on special occasions she lets it out of the curlers and bingo: …spiral perm. Totally ready for prom.
Tracy: Hi. I’m eating tuna salad.
Me: But imagine what you could do with it. If you got attacked you could throw it on someone to swat them back or you could catch children jumping out of burning buildings. Or like in the olden days when women would use their aprons to hold apples?
Tracy: Huh.
Me: I’m just saying I wouldn’t eat an apple if you happen to be over at her house.
Tracy: If I happen to be at the home of the lady with the world’s largest labia I shouldn’t eat any apples?
Me: Yeah.
Tracy: Excellent advice.
Me: I bet it’s flat as a pancake too since it’s being squished by her legs. You could put a lantern behind it and make shadow puppets. It’s like a gift no one can ever use. Except I would totally use my giant labia. I’d entertain the whole world with it. Because that’s the kind of person I am. Saint-like. If I had an enormous labia I would change the world with it.
Tracy: So the only thing holding you back is…how small your labia is?
Me: Well it’s not like a handicap. I mean, I get by.
Tracy: Honestly, I don’t even know why I eat lunch with you.
Me: I’d say it’s roomy but compact. Like a balloon valance. Or a Honda Accord.
Then Tracy got all weird and was all “You aren’t supposed to tell me your vagina is like a Honda Accord!” and I’m all “You brought it up!” Then there was this awkward silence while I tried to look penitent and Tracy tried to look stern but technically I was just thinking about how a giant labia would be like a lap blanket on cold nights and Tracy was probably wondering what a balloon valance was. So then I was all “It’s like a tiny curtain” and Tracy was like “What?!” and I’m all “Oh never mind.”
Speaking of people whose bodies are trying to kill them, apparently God has heard me making fun of labias and decided to punish me with such severe rheumatoid arthritis that I’ve become practically bed-ridden. I’m like Job except without the erectile dysfunction. I finally got in to see the rheumatologist last week and he put me on a drug cocktail that includes another drug that starts with “meth” and ends with “all-your-hair-will-fall-out-if-you-don’t-take-a-daily-antedote” because apparently it’s a chemo drug. Why does it work for arthritis? No one fucking knows. True story. It’s in the pamphlet. Also, a side effect of the drug is that even though it’s a drug designed to battle cancer, IT FUCKING CAUSES CANCER. Like, not a lot but enough that they have to tell you you may get lymphoma at any time. Yay. And my arthritis has spread so now I can barely walk. I can only assume that in the next month I will be blogging using only my tongue. I’m on intermittent FMLA and would like to cross my fingers that the chemo drug will work but I must face the fact that I can’t cross my fingers because I FUCKING HAVE ARTHRITIS. That’s why I’m going to try out some new money-making ideas I can do from home, like prostitution or knitting. Except it turns out I can’t do either of those well and since we aren’t all blessed with the world’s largest labia I’m trying a new ad network called YouData. I don’t completely understand it but it’s awesome. It’s run by these guys I’ve known forever and they are huge blogging supporters and always hand me a martini every time I see them. Basically, you personally get paid for looking at ads geared to you. You set up your account and tell them who you are and they send you ads that you can chose to look at and get paid for. I got $4 yesterday for looking at a few ads on Kirtsy and gave half back to kirtsy to support them. They pay you through paypal or you can donate a portion to the blog you’re at or to a charity. Also, it’s an awesome personality test because my YouData ads are all for pretty, horribly bizarre things and offensive t-shirts and when Victor logs in it’s all expensive clothes and boobies. They totally nailed us.
Also, I plan on opening a few ad spaces when I feel better but I’m going to use one of those ads to pimp out random bloggers for free who you should read because they are awesome and/or amazingly loyal even when I give them a horrible long post about why arthritis is not as profitable as the world’s largest labia. This means you. Seriously, if you made it all the way to the bottom you are my new personal hero. If my hands weren’t claws I would applaud you.
PS. Best YouData ad I’ve gotten so far: Tampon flash drive.
Honestly, I should be paying them.
Comment of the day: Your tragic story gets me through the day. It’s like My Left Foot, but with only average size labia. So you’re twice as heroic. ~ Bananarama