This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias.

So the other day my friend (Tracy) was telling me about this documentary he saw about this woman who had a tiny upper body but everything from her waist down was enormous and I was all “My God.  I bet her labia is huge” and that’s when Tracy put down his fork and said he wouldn’t eat lunch with me anymore.

Me:  But scientifically it makes sense that her labia would be enormous.  If I were her I’d roll it up with binder clips.  Or those pink soft curlers we slept in when were little.

Tracy:  Yeah…I’m a dude, remember?

Me:  And then on special occasions she lets it out of the curlers and bingo: …spiral perm.  Totally ready for prom.

Tracy: Hi.  I’m eating tuna salad.

Me:  But imagine what you could do with it.  If you got attacked you could throw it on someone to swat them back or you could catch children jumping out of burning buildings.  Or like in the olden days when women would use their aprons to hold apples?

Tracy: Huh.

Me: I’m just saying I wouldn’t eat an apple if you happen to be over at her house.

Tracy: If I happen to be at the home of the lady with the world’s largest labia I shouldn’t eat any apples?

Me:  Yeah.

Tracy:  Excellent advice.

Me:  I bet it’s flat as a pancake too since it’s being squished by her legs.  You could put a lantern behind it and make shadow puppets.  It’s like a gift no one can ever use.  Except I would totally use my giant labia.  I’d entertain the whole world with it.  Because that’s the kind of person I am.  Saint-like.  If I had an enormous labia I would change the world with it.

Tracy: So the only thing holding you back is…how small your labia is?

Me:  Well it’s not like a handicap. I mean, I get by.

Tracy:  Honestly, I don’t even know why I eat lunch with you.

Me:  I’d say it’s roomy but compact.  Like a balloon valance.  Or a Honda Accord.

Then Tracy got all weird and was all “You aren’t supposed to tell me your vagina is like a Honda Accord!” and I’m all “You brought it up!”  Then there was this awkward silence while I tried to look penitent and Tracy tried to look stern but technically I was just thinking about how a giant labia would be like a lap blanket on cold nights and Tracy was probably wondering what a balloon valance was.  So then I was all “It’s like a tiny curtain” and Tracy was like “What?!” and I’m all “Oh never mind.”

Speaking of people whose bodies are trying to kill them, apparently God has heard me making fun of labias and decided to punish me with such severe rheumatoid arthritis that I’ve become practically bed-ridden.  I’m like Job except without the erectile dysfunction.  I finally got in to see the rheumatologist last week and he put me on a drug cocktail that includes another drug that starts with “meth” and ends with “all-your-hair-will-fall-out-if-you-don’t-take-a-daily-antedote” because apparently it’s a chemo drug.  Why does it work for arthritis?  No one fucking knows.  True story.  It’s in the pamphlet.  Also, a side effect of the drug is that even though it’s a drug designed to battle cancer, IT FUCKING CAUSES CANCER.  Like, not a lot but enough that they have to tell you you may get lymphoma at any time.  Yay.  And my arthritis has spread so now I can barely walk.  I can only assume that in the next month I will be blogging using only my tongue.  I’m on intermittent FMLA and would like to cross my fingers that the chemo drug will work but I must face the fact that I can’t cross my fingers because I FUCKING HAVE ARTHRITIS.  That’s why I’m going to try out some new money-making ideas I can do from home, like prostitution or knitting.  Except it turns out I can’t do either of those well and since we aren’t all blessed with the world’s largest labia I’m trying a new ad network called YouData.  I don’t completely understand it but it’s awesome.  It’s run by these guys I’ve known forever and they are huge blogging supporters and always hand me a martini every time I see them.  Basically, you personally get paid for looking at ads geared to you.  You set up your account and tell them who you are and they send you ads that you can chose to look at and get paid for.  I got $4 yesterday for looking at a few ads on Kirtsy and gave half back to kirtsy to support them.  They pay you through paypal or you can donate a portion to the blog you’re at or to a charity.  Also, it’s an awesome personality test because my YouData ads are all for pretty, horribly bizarre things and offensive t-shirts and when Victor logs in it’s all expensive clothes and boobies.  They totally nailed us.

Also, I plan on opening a few ad spaces when I feel better but I’m going to use one of those ads to pimp out random bloggers for free who you should read because they are awesome and/or amazingly loyal even when I give them a horrible long post about why arthritis is not as profitable as the world’s largest labia.  This means you.  Seriously, if you made it all the way to the bottom you are my new personal hero.  If my hands weren’t claws I would applaud you.

PS.  Best YouData ad I’ve gotten so far:  Tampon flash drive.

Honestly, I should be paying them.

Comment of the day:  Your tragic story gets me through the day. It’s like My Left Foot, but with only average size labia. So you’re twice as heroic. ~ Bananarama

264 replies. read them below or add one

  1. The strangest thing about this post? BALOON VALANCE. Seriously.

    What. The. Fuck.

    Joey’s last blog post..If you’re not gonna dance, get your ass off the floor

  2. Woah … you are my new favorite writer. How is it that I never visited before? Why have they kept me from you? You just totally made my Sunday. For reals.

    april’s last blog post..On Being “Peach” and a Better Mama. A Peachy Mama, If You Will

  3. ‘BALLOON’ even. I know cause I just looked it up. So I can’t spell, and I’m clueless about window treatments.

    This explains everything.

    Joey’s last blog post..If you’re not gonna dance, get your ass off the floor

  4. Tampon flash drive- should be a girl scout item. You know since their motto is “Always be prepared.” Oh, wait, I was just told that’s the boy scouts, who can’t really use a tampon, that is unless they are a hermaphrodite, but then they’d have a vagina but still no periods. So that idea is bad too. I guess the boy scouts wouldn’t have any use for those, not to mention I’m sure they’d run from the tampon screaming which is a great way to protect your porn and world secrets.

    I don’t know if any of what I said makes sense, and I’m not even on meth.

    perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Saturday’s Sensational Six- six things that never fail to make me smile

  5. You lost me at Tampon flash drive.

    Well, you didn’t lose me, because I’m still here, but really, I got hung up trying to decide if it’s for real or a spoof ad like the kind they put in Mad magazine or Games magazine.

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..FiNallY, ThE ChiC BuD GiVeAwAY!

  6. 6

    You could also do blog posts with your labia. I don’t know which one you should be more upset about.

  7. Geez, Jenny! Do you want me to bring you soup? Or a martini?

    Kyla’s last blog post..Big Gym Day!

  8. Love this post! And that tampon flash drive? I need it. Just to freak people out at work!

    Sorry to hear about the RA. I have Lupus and a totally unavailable rheumatologist (shortage of them I hear). My weekend has been spent with a massive pain as it attacks my neck randomly. I’m on quinine which they also don’t know why it works. At least i’m malaria free, right? 😉 Hope things turn around for you soon!

    Jessica’s last blog post..Ya Feeling Lucky?

  9. Yikes – my sympathies on the RA. My dad had it, and I know how bad it sucks (almost). But, I am glad that your immune system attacked your brain first – which clearly has to be what happened, because no one else on earth would go from enormous lower body to giant labia without some sort of brain injury.

  10. 10
    Just A. Reader

    I learn something new every time I read your blog. I just never expected to learn something as tame as little curtains.

  11. ahhh… methotrexate! and it’s requisite antidote, folinic acid. it’s worse than your hair falling out ~ your kidneys will cease to function ~ but the thing that always tripped me out about methotrexate was the color. 🙂

    oh, and this post was (obv) very LOL. ;D

    kayce.’s last blog post..THUNDERSNOW

  12. Wow! You made $4 on YouData? Must be cuz you are famous! At most I get $1.20 or something.

    You really are special!!!

    groovehouse’s last blog post..February 27

  13. So arthritis is your dog going nuts in the yard because a chipmunk farted. Your immune system attacking itself. (I know you know) Chemo drugs suppress the immune system – Basically telling the dog to shut up. I’m so sorry it’s bad. Hugs.

    and if you do go to prostitution, while honestly, the desire to be a client is overwhelmingly huge, you’d be all “ow! ow! ow! ow!” the whole time and when I couldn’t get your ankles behind your ears, I would SO be asking for a discount.

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..This is Paul Harvey…

  14. Seriously, do they still make balloon valences?? I though tthose were over with in 1991. Sucks about the arthritis, hope yo know how to type with your tongue.

    Mariah’s last blog post..Spit-Hang Threats and Walkie-Talkies

  15. Just think how much storage the giant labia must have – I mean, her tampon drive must be GARGANTUAN.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..The Old Pumpkinpie-in-your-face Joke

  16. I hate to be crude (no I don’t)(I mean, I feel sort of bad being crude on someone else’s blog)(depending on that person), but perhaps you could hire that large labia lady to type for you. If that thing is capable of catching people who jump from burning buildings, it should be able to take dictation.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog we’re not gonna work this out tonight…

  17. I wonder if one labia is longer than the other. Would she walk with a limp from the lopsided weight distribution?

    The Introvert’s last blog

  18. OK, I got nothing. I tried, really. REALLY reALLY I tried, and I got nothing. I am just envisioning a woman stapling her labia shut now.

    Manic Mommy’s last blog post..SuNDaY BLooDY SuNDaY, MaRCH 1 FiNaL

  19. From one cripple to another (I am typing this with my butt) we should totally develop the ‘Blog This’ button for brains. But I don’t want a blue one. You can have the blue one.

    It will go with the ginormous labia that I know you are going to purchase once it pops up in one of those ads. When you do, can I have your tampon drive?

  20. If you were that first woman, you could blog using only your labia. Well, unless you got arthritis there too.

    Seriously. I’m sorry about your arthritis. And, just in case, I’m sorry about your impending cancer, too. I’m just SORRY.

  21. Oh man I love you.

    Maria’s last blog post..weekly winners – feb 22 – 28

  22. A Honda? That’s a great comparison.

  23. Jenny, I hope the drug works and that you don’t lose all your hair. It’s crazy that a chemo drug can also cause cancer. You are my hero.

  24. I would be more impressed by the length of her clitoris, I mean…if she was a lesbian it would probably be insertable.

    Then again you would have to move the huge labia to get to it. Technical difficulties.

  25. Two unrelated (to one another) comments

    1. I really need a tampon flash drive. It would be the first flash drive I didn’t lose. Unless I sneeze

    2. What is it with the drugs that cause and cure the same illness.
    Its like radiation. I don’t get it.
    It sucks that you are in this much pain, and I hope whatever this chemo drug is, that it works.

    Amy’s last blog post..I have had nothing to say

  26. how do i get me one of them tampon flash drives? that is awesome!

    kerry’s last blog post..welcome to hell

  27. I had no idea Job had ED.

  28. OK, so I go to sign up for the ad thingy, and my confirmation words are ‘tangled outside’ and all I can think about is your labia. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Dear Direct TV,

  29. Victor’s confirmation words were “Sewage Net”. Awesomeness.

    PS. I love you all and I’ve laughed more in the last 10 minutes than I have all week. Thank you.

  30. I’m totally telling you this story to make you feel better, because not only do I also have “the claw” (but from carpal tunnel and not RA), but verging on dementia as well. Last week I totally drove 30 fucking miles for a cup of coffee. Actually I drove there to get a new iPhone because mine suddenly had all these dots behind the bottom icons (you know, the ones that don’t move when you change screens). I described it to the Apple lady over the phone and she told me I had disappearing pixels. So then I get to the Apple store and 3 Genius’ whip out THEIR iPhones and they look JUST LIKE MINE. Fuckers. Apple is totally playing me. And then when I got home I go that look from Hot Husband that lets me know he’s already warned the kids to behave because Mommy’s bat shit crazy. True story. And unfortunately I have other similar stories I could share. So don’t feel bad about the claw, because at least YOUR still totally sane. Or something.

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..Abandoned, Part II

  31. So, like, normally I’m straight, but if you can blog with your tongue, we may just have to talk.

  32. And now I’m one of those people who doesn’t know how to use the YOUR properly. I meant YOU’RE.

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..Abandoned, Part II

  33. And when I say, “you are not well,” that’s both a complement and a glaring example of how short my attention span is.

    Sorry, but I just couldn’t get past the massive labia before leaving my first comment. Now that I’ve gone back and read the rest, I feel incredibly stupid, and hope you’ll accept the best vibes my wretched little spirit can conjure up to try and speed healing to your fabulously funny body.

    I know you try to make light of your infirmities, but we ALL hurt at the thought that you’re in pain. Hang in there, Toots. we’ll be thinkin’ about ya.

    AJ in Nashville’s last blog post..Three Things That Guys Want for Valentine’s Day (…that don’t necessarily involve sex)

  34. Oh, Jenny. What a bummer! I thought for sure you’d do well prostituting knitted giant labia. Sigh. Hope you feel better soon. xo

  35. Y’know, I was going to get all pedantic about the use of ‘s in the title to pluralize an already-plural noun (yeah, that was the part of this post that offended me – go figure) but then you mentioned pimping other bloggers and, frankly, I could really use a pimp. Did I mention I’m including your lobster joke in an upcoming episode? (blink blink)

    Steve’s last blog post..Tasteless

  36. Damn it! Can I possibly write one post without fucking up the punctuation?

  37. You mean Victor didn’t get the tampon flash drive?

    Estefonia Translucent’s last blog post..holes in the evidence

  38. Te best part about having a giant labia? Two words. Hammock swing. You can invite your neighbor over for a lazy Sunday afternoon of hammock swinging and he’ll be all “Ummmm, what’s the smell?” and you’ll be all “Hello? Giant labia”. And then he’ll feel all awkward and weird and will never come over again to swing in your giant labia and then your annoying neighbor problem is solved.

    You’re welcome.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Birthday Dinner Accompanied By A Toe Licking Story

  39. Our cat just died of lymphoma. I don’t think she was on meth, although it could possibly be because you said “Awesome” one too many times.

    I hope the medication works and DOESN’T give you cancer, even though you killed my cat.

    Laurie’s last blog post..Deer, oh deer

  40. Not only am I a loyal reader, I’m one of those Christians you’re always amazed still read you. Because you crack me up, like a foul-mouthed, lowbrow GK Chesterton who happens to be obsessed with genitalia and dead hobos.

    Veronica Mitchell’s last blog post..What I Have Learned

  41. You are very resourceful…I never would have thought of all those fun things you could do with a giant labia.

    Mara J.’s last blog post..Some kind of way

  42. Okay, first of all, how can I possibly be the first one to asked if you can USE the tampon flash drive AS a tampon?! Best hiding spot EVER for secret flash drive information, am I right?

    I mean, it’d be a SUPER awesome place to hide secret info if you were super human labia lady too! No one would find that shit. Like ever! She should totally be in the CIA.

    Or the Justice League of America or something.

    Mama Bee’s last blog post..(almost) Wordless Weekend

  43. 45
    Sari Everna

    Well, I want to sign up for this YouData thing. Money for mindless activities for the win!

    There’s a space for a referral code, though, and since I assume it’s to your benefit to be identified as a referrer, I would like to take this opportunity to request this code.

    Also, tampon flash drive? Simultaneously WTF and awesome!

  44. Referral code. I have no idea. You can type in “thebloggess” or “that girl who writes about labia’s”. Either way, they will automatically know it’s me.

  45. 47
    Sari Everna

    Sounds good. I’ll try it.

    But I’m telling them it’s not my fault if the sign up system spits out “Error; labias WTF?!” or something and then stops working.

  46. As always, an AWESOME post. and the methotrexate? The RA journey will eventually take you to other drugs. The week I stopped the methotrexate, my hair gripped tighter in my scalp.

    anne’s last blog post..lisbethf: is at trader vics with the boys

  47. My first car was a 1986 Honda Accord named “Bert,” and now I will never look at another Accord without thinking about vaginas. Does this mean I need to name my hoo-ha “Bert?” Or do you go to hell for that? Also, I rarely blog about other blogs, and this probably doesn’t count because it was on Facebook and God wants facebook to die…but you’re one of few bloggers I’ve blog-blogged about TWICE. ( Makes me feel kind of creepy, actually. Do creepy bloggers not get pimped out?

    MButterfly’s last blog post..Let’s talk about ‘Alice,’ Part One: The Caterpillar

  48. Love the tampon flash drive!
    Sorry about your RA. I have it too – it sucks. I hope some of the meds help and you get some relief.

  49. OMG! I am TOTALLY wearing a YouData shirt RIGHT NOW! Do I get extra points for that? Do I get extra money? How about one of those awesome flash drives.

    Also, what is wrong with Tracy. I’d die to be able to have those kinds of lunch conversations!

    Jessica (from It’s my life…)’s last blog post..Some nights you’re just tired. Nothing more, nothing less

  50. So when your posts start to look like gibberish we will know you’re blogging with your labia?

    That’s what I got from this.

    Keely’s last blog post..SuperKeely vs. the Scale Monster in the Heavyweight Battle of the Century!

  51. Maybe Nintendo would design a special game for the Wii Fit to help the woman with the giant labia keep everything in shape, you know …. you could always contact them to ask, and let us know!

  52. Wait – you blogged this post with your labia? That would explain the punctuation.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..WTF?

  53. I would totally still eat lunch with you every day if I worked with you. I’d even help feed you your salad if I needed to because your claws wouldn’t be able to hold your fork.

    But that’s just the kind of person I am. Feel better soon!

    Jen W’s last blog post..The epitome of laziness

  54. Now I am A) kind of feeling self conscious about my labia and B) feeling like I should be glad I have kidney failure because at least my worthless, no good, lazy ass kidneys don’t make it hard for me to blog. Much.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..You Get Three Shots, In Case You Need A Ride, Or Some Heroin Or Something

  55. I think if you had giant labia and decided to go into prostitution, you could just give labia jobs (you know, how some of those ho’s just ‘do’ bj’s and some just ‘do’ tittie fucks?). Then, if you were ACCUSED of prostitution, you could use the Bill Clinton defense. If the cigar never makes it INTO the vajayjay, it is not sex, hence you are in the clear. Ya feel me?

    derfina’s last blog post..Hallelujah! Another Sunday Bleme-Oh, YAY.

  56. dude i’m really disappointed that you have to have text messaging in order to get in on that youdata action.

  57. Wait! Labias don’t have any joints (oh, the things I could say from here–but I won’t), so you could totally type with your giant labia and not worry about your RA. And, if all your hair falls out, then think of how much you could type with a hair-free, unencumbered- labia. Just a thought….

    Lisa Wicklund’s last blog post..25 Things

  58. I don’t think that it’s very fair of you to labial her like that.

    Marinka’s last blog post..The One Where I Save Your Friendship

  59. Sorry about the arthritis and the fucked up side effects from the meds.

    Labia, labia, labia. I don’t even know what to say! LMAO!

    I know I’d like that tampon flash drive, though! No one could steal my manuscript if I insert it!

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..My Interview

  60. You might not have a giant labia, but your balls are pretty big to discuss the benefits of giant labias and also for admitting you’re a meth head.


    P.S. I just had to google “labias” to make sure it didn’t have an apostrophe. Fabulous.

    Andy’s last blog life in a nutshell…and some spit filled snow

  61. Fuck I am totally going to buy that flash drive because no on e will EVER steal it. It will be the one thing in my house that is MINE!

    Dude, and I am totally not kidding- I was out at a bar and I got into a discussion about vagina an labia and this 20 something butch dike (sorry) called it…a MEAT CURTAIN. A fucking meat curtaim. Awesome. so when you said balloon valance. I peed a little. And it made my labia tingle. I’m just sayin…

  62. I hope the meth works out for you, but if not, ask about Remicade. It doesn’t make your hair fall out, and it mostly causes cancer in teenage boys with Crohn’s disease (here I’m inferring from your picture, rather than your blog content, that you are not a teenage boy). You have to sit in a chair for 2 hours every two months while they give you the med through an IV, which would allow you plenty of time to blog and/or research giant labias on the web. So far the two only drawbacks I’ve experienced on the drug are 1) the pre-treatment dose of Benadryl is crazy high and makes me feel stoned (so I always have to have a getaway driver accompany me on treatment days) and 2) it is crazy expensive if you do not have medical insurance. Like, the sticker price on a used Honda Accord expensive. But other than that, I can leave my house and go to work like a normal person, which was not possible before. I highly recommend it.

  63. How oddly apropos that the “labia” post was followed up by the “tampon flash drive.” I think we have a theme here!

    copia verborum’s last blog post..Crumbs? What crumbs?

  64. Balloon valance, eh? At least they don’t look like Roman shades.

    Grey Street Girl’s last blog post..Branching Out

  65. My mother has been on all those drugs including methotrexate. Enbrel kept her out of a wheel chair.

    Her rheumatologist is Dr. Sandra Sessoms who is one of the BEST in Houston. I’m not sure if Dr. Sessoms is taking new patients, but it would be worth a shot.

  66. I was just thinking about how a giant labia would be like a lap blanket on cold nights

    You need a Snuggie. It’s like a labia for your whole body.

    Evn’s last blog post..BFF! BFF!

  67. I’m sitting here freezing in my house wishing I had a labia blanket to keep me warm. And hey, thanks for the YouData link! It’s great! 🙂

    gingela5’s last blog post..Just Like a Band Aid…

  68. Well, fuck. My link didn’t work. Just read this:

    Evn’s last blog post..BFF! BFF!

  69. I’ve heard that the meth stuff makes your labia bigger – so win win? Plan to try some myself!

    Greg’s last blog post..The Librarian, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love Being an Ape

  70. “It’s like a tiny curtain.” = Best. Line. Ever!

    Awesome post. I kept doing that explosive laugh/cough thing and making my husband look questioningly over at me. I pretend I’m coughing so I won’t have to say “giant labia shadow puppets” when he asks what I’m reading about. Knowing him, he’d be all over that.

    jenn’s last blog post..Sharing My Kindle With You (But Not Really, So Don’t Get Any Ideas)

  71. Why am I imagining a life-size, knitted prostitute with a tiny upper body and and enormous lower body with giant pink labia hanging out around her pink balloon vagina? Jenny?

    betaphi’s last blog post..Job Opportunities

  72. A tampon flash drive?! They do have you pegged. I wonder what size tampons huge labia lady uses?

  73. 75
    David (@threedot)

    Oh sweetheart, I wish I could bring you a cup of tea and make this RA all better. Hang in there.

  74. I know you can’t clap that I read every single word, but will your arthritis allow you to scratch my back? In more ways than one? Because I totally don’t know how to spell arthritis and had to scroll up these long ass comments to see how you spelled, that’s how loyal I am.

  75. I agree with the commenter above who thought “balloon valance” was the only really weird part of this. I mean, who has those?

    Sorry to hear about the RA!

    becky’s last blog post..We Are Trying to Be A Big Boy But We Are Not That Into It

  76. I would say it’s more like a Honda Civic.
    And I’m going to hang myself with that woman’s awesome, horrible labia if you get to the point where you can’t type. Because, like, obvious reasons… what would I do at work? Come up with a cure for RA, that’s what.

    Amber Mc’s last blog post..My Five Month Old…

  77. I’m more concerned about the size of her clitoris – I mean, wouldn’t we all like our bulls eye to be a bit larger?

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Bad Boys

  78. You could totally be a foot fetish model. That is a job you could do from bed, and all you have to do is wear whorish shoes while some freak takes pictures. I think it is perfect for you.

  79. Maybe it isn’t arthritis at all, but your legs turning into giant labia. This could be your big break, er…ah…something like that…

    Dorsey’s last blog post..Flashback Friday

  80. Ok. Giant labia would necessitate better underwear right? All I could think of when reading about that and balloon valances was that was EXACTLY what would happen when part of it fell through the leg hole of her panties.

    Just a thought…

    kateanon’s last blog post..vague confusion

  81. Tampon flash drive is brilliant!! Seriously. You could keep all sorts of shit on there… government secrets, the trick to piercing a dog’s belly button, etc and no one would ever try to steal it because it’s a fucking tampon!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..I Have to Live with a Boy

  82. Why is a guy called Tracy? Or have you taken to calling people by their last name?


  83. For some reason, I’m now thinking of those weird Snuggie (or whatever) things, the blankets with sleeves. I find this disturbing, too.

    Lori’s last blog post..Risky Research

  84. I would totally have lunch with you, but I would just sit there silently like I usually do in the comment section, with my brain going “OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! TOO FUNNY! OVERLOAD!” Also, I would not order the tuna salad.

    Swistle’s last blog post..Mr. Pickles Goes Back to Target

  85. This was the funniest post ever. Thanks for the laugh. And sorry about your RA. I have sjogrens (a close cousin to RA and Lupus). Right now Im on Enbrel but my Rheumy is switching me to Methatrexate at my next appt. Your scaring me. I hope you post about the side effects so I know what to expect.

    Denise’s last blog post..Sunday and Days of Grace

  86. No. More. Meth. drugs. Or at least cut back on the crack while you’re on the new drugs because, guuuurl? You scare me….

    On that note, I’ll always be loyal. Especially because you find things like tampon flash drives. Who finds shit like that other than the Bloggess????

    Tracey’s last blog post..Root & Sprout

  87. Dammit Jenny, why don’t you list a YouData code, so that you get credit for signing people up? I thought better of you… That you were greedy like that and everything.
    What’s your code?!

    Andria and Co.’s last blog post..Austin Mama Bloggers Social

  88. I think it’s “thebloggess” but really I have no idea. Just put worldsbiggestlabia and they’ll probably know it’s me.

  89. A labia lap blanket could be bigger than a Snuggie! That thing would go crazy on Etsy. You should totally think about marketing that.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..5 Years Old and Surrounded by Crack

  90. Have you ever tried typing with your tongue? Its not as easy as you’d think. There’s no muscle there to push with. My tongue is a weeny. Ok, no. My tongue is a weakling.

    Brandy’s last blog post..I’ve been Demonized!

  91. i just got a headache at the mention of the pink curlers. ouch.
    not caused by the reading of this post … because honestly?
    the rest of this post made total sense to me … scary isn’t it?

    jen’s last blog post..pushing my buttons …

  92. I am 9 months pregnant and in the past few months have had more exposure to giant labia than I care to think about…. But mostly wanted to commiserate with you on the RA front. My own autoimmune disease is respiratory, but I’ve been there with the chemo (they say methotrexate is a bit kinder and friendlier?) and the trying to keep up at work and the feeling rotten and all the rest. Whatever does not kill us blah blah blah, but I do know how much it sucks. Hang in there!

    TwoWishes’s last blog post..I Am the Worst Pregnant Lady Ever*

  93. If I had a giant labia I’d get a skateboard so I could wheel it around between my legs without it dragging on the floor. Because nobody wants a dirty labia, right?

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..500 lbs of pot: heaven or hell?

  94. Seriously funny stuff.

    leaca’s last blog post..Life is Beautiful

  95. Oh…so THAT’S why Monistat came out with that chaffing powder! Giant labias and thunder thighs probably don’t mix.

    I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain.

    Jaci’s last blog post..I’m the Only Craptastic Mom Who Isn’t Taking Her Kid to Disney World

  96. This post was a lot of different kinds of awesome.

    Zandor’s last blog post..A whole bunch of stuff you probably never wanted to know.

  97. But, if I put worldsbiggestlabia, then the credit would go to the woman you were talking about above.
    It makes me think of those people who put expanders in their ears… you know what I am talking about? Circles that progressively make your earlobe bigger? I always wonder what the earlobe looks like when those plastic things are out.
    Probably like a big flapping labia, times two, dangling from the ears.
    Baaaaad visual.

    Andria and Co.’s last blog post..Austin Mama Bloggers Social

  98. This post prompted my husband to tell me a very long story about a porn mag that featured freaks, but I can’t remember it all now. Something about a guy with an 18-incher and one of those cheesy plastic records they used to put on cereal boxes and how this magazine gave one of those away to their readers with this Long Dong guy chatting about his favorite lay, who happened to have lips so long they flapped.

    It’s probably not a lunch time story either.

    When your hair falls out, will you want us to shave our heads in solidarity?

    annie’s last blog post..Kinda Creepy

  99. You’re really funny, but I worry about you. I hope you’re okay, besides the pain and agony. Please be okay. Poor girl. Good luck and don’t get cancer.

    Mrs. B. Roth’s last blog post..Cute Pictures of the Kids

  100. I’m sorry you are dealing with claws right now. They are so hard to accessorize properly.

    And I hope the docs sort out the meds, and find something that works for you. I have MS, so I know it’s pretty hit-or-miss, being as they only know some stuff works for some people.

    Anita’s last blog post..Tax Time finally comes home.

  101. I used to have a huge deal with the word labia. I think I’m ok now, but a SYMBICORT commercial just came on and fuck if I’m not convinced the woman has bionic labia, rolled and held back masochistically with metal clamps like the albino dude in the DaVinci Code.

    amanda’s last blog post..Dreadtime

  102. Screw methotrexate. It gave me migranes and panic attacks that happened at the same time. Start bugging your doctor about Enbrel. Marvelous stuff, and it’s got that sex factor all high-tech, hideously expensive drugs have.

  103. And here I was sitting around with all these old curlers and a flat boring labia. Well, now I know what to wear to work tomorrow! Thanks!

    erikagwen’s last blog post..My Wedding album is lacking.

  104. I am SO asking for a Tampon flash drive for Memorial Day. ‘Why Memorial Day,’ you might be asking? Because my heaviest data flows are around that time of the year.

    Thank God I’m not living with my three girlfriends anymore or I might’ve gotten confused and use…well, you get the idea.

    Michael’s last blog post..I’m much better at taking things apart

  105. 107

    so I was reading that gynos have these little tent pole things they use on women with disproportionate labia to hold them up during exams…I never really believed the article that they existed till I read your blog post…the tent pole exam thingies or labia large enough to need them

  106. Wow. It sounds like it sucks more hat you dont have the giant labia. Sorry. 🙂 I hope the new meth-but-causing-cancer drug works for you. I love the tampon flash drive. That would save a lot of thief potential problems.

    Karen’s last blog post..Mommy by day, Hotel worker by night….

  107. Jenn, you ever think of writing for Pharmacology text books as a money-making idea? I’ve never heard METHOTREXATE described that way. Awesome, puts the zing into a pretty dull subject! Wonder how you’d handle other drugs? 🙂

    Dr.Mani’s last blog post..My Last Hurrah!

  108. OK, So either you don’t know what labia are or I don’t, because I was under the impression that we have more than one. Two sets of two in fact, Labia Major and Labia Minor. I know this because I just watched a documentary about plastic surgery for the cooch and it was all about labia reduction. All of your possible uses seem to be for a single giant labia, you’re totally ignoring all the possible uses for the spares. Although if you had just one and it was fucking enormous you probably would have a valid reason to sign up for the cooch remodeling surgery that I thought was pretty fucking useless before I read this.

  109. I can just see the new Honda ad, now:

    The Accord. Roomy but compact, just like The Bloggess’s labia.

    Musing’s last blog post..Most of the decisions I’ve made

  110. My husband was so disturbed by what he saw at the bottom of my screen when I made it all the way to the tampon flash drive that we’ve been having a ‘what if’ scenario conversation for the last ten minutes. You know, things like “what if you used OB tampons and you grabbed the wrong thing?” He said that he was pretty sure that you’d know right away. I had to ask him how he would know considering that as far as I know he doesn’t have giant labia to insert an OB tampon into. He was VERY confused by this. I had to remember he wasn’t reading WITH me. Plus this brings a whole new meaning to Toxic Shock Syndrome. What kind of pamphlet does the flash drive come with? I’m way too curious now. It should be illegal how curious I am.
    About the pamphlet. Not what would happen if I inserted the wrong thing.

    Dana’s last blog post..Eavesdropping: Award Style

  111. Hey Jenny…

    Don’t get the chance to comment much any more but I do read every day so I’m always there laughing my ass off behind the scenes. Anyhoo… just wanted to let you know how sorry I am you’re not feeling well. That totally sucks and you don’t deserve it.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Won’t Get Fooled Again

  112. Not even the ultra sized flash drive would be likely to work for that world’s largest labia lady. Just sayin’.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Random Thursday Thoughts

  113. 115

    Non, non, mon ami! Do you not know the new fashion de riguer? It’s “Labia Sculpture!” Yes, it is! “Tired of having to tuck those motherfuckers way up into your underwear? Irritated with the fact you have to shove them half up your twat to wear a boy-cut bikini?” “Dial 1-800-CUT-LIPS and we’ll take care of all that nasty-ass chicken-wattle, twat like a horse collar excess right the fuck off!”
    (tee hee…it’s NancyWKappesParalegal lurking about…)

  114. This made me think of that episode of Curb Your Enthusiam where Jeff and the alleged “big vagina lady” got into it. LOL.

    Diva Style’s last blog post..Image I Love~

  115. Damn – this YouData rocks. Thanks, Bloggess! :o)

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Intervention

  116. um, just exactly where do you put that drive?

    flutter’s last blog post..She

  117. great drug. i have had great success, and only partial hair loss. Seriously, great drug.

  118. The most entertaining blog post about labias I’ve seen in a long time. *snort*

    Seriously, you could do stand up.

  119. I saw some midget porn once where the midget’s labia were (was?) huge! (I want it to be ‘were’ because in my mind there are two labia, but I’m pretty sure labia refers to the whole enchilada and it’s probably ‘was’. High school english never prepared me for these grammatical challenges.) It looked like someone took their used-up chewing gum and wadded the pieces onto her crotch.

    I think she was supposed to be having sex with the dudes in the video, but really I think they were just hiding their penii in her labia.

    (That’s the plural of penis, right? SCORE ONE FOR HIGH SCHOOL GRAMMAR.)

  120. You know, if you had super giant, flat as pancake labia, you could always use them to type if your RA gets too bad. Just sayin’. You could at least use them to hold your laptop so you don’t have to sit at a desk.

    I’m all about helpful suggestions. You’re welcome.

  121. I’m sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well. I always enjoy reading your posts, but I never thought it would lead to me making money! Thanks so much for the link.
    Absolutely love you by the way.

    Angela’s last blog post..Adventures in Mommy-hood

  122. Disturbingly enough, you just reminded me slightly of my mother. She will take anything and run with it, developing a career that someone could do. I seriously hear at least 10 different career options per day. My sister clips toenails well? Apparently she should be a podiatrist! Don’t ask me how being good at toenail clipping comes up up in the first place. I also didn’t realize it was possible to be bad at it. Trust my mother to inform me of these things.

    I’m still impressed by how many possibilities you came up with for world’s largest labia though. I don’t think even my mom would’ve managed that many. I would challenge her to see who wins, but… no.

    My only concern with the tampon flash drive is that it’s too well-made. What if someone mistook it for a real tampon and.. y’know? That is not where I want to find my flash drive, thanks. Though honestly, if it could survive through that, I would be pretty impressed. But if you lose it, that’s obviously going to become the first place you start looking. Hmm. On the other hand, might be a good excuse… wait. Ew. They’re using that flash drive for a reason. I almost forgot. Nevermind!

    …I am not a pervert. Also, I’m very sorry to hear about your arthritis. I have severe chronic pain problems myself (partially due to arthritis), so I hear ya. I hope the new drug works out for you and it better not give you cancer or I’ll be pissed!

  123. Jesus. Imagine how many kotex that having a giant labia would require? And I guess she has to wear really baggy pants. Otherwise, I think the camel-toe would like…gobble people up like a giant angry vagina monster.

    griffin’s last blog post..Snow & self-diagnosis.

  124. When I got to the last paragraph, I was thinking, “Of course I read to the end, why wouldn’t I?” You could post your car loan agreement and I would read it in its entirety, hunting for a transvestite labia joke somewhere.

    Better yet, please post MY car loan agreement, so I can be inspired to actually read each word.

    P.S. When I continued on to your P.S., I felt like you were changing your mind and punishing me for compulsively reading to the actual end, and I briefly considered changing my habits before deciding to look past this one transgression in favor of the many hours of hilarity you’ve provided me thus far.

    P.P.S. I used a lot of words here in an attempt to drive back the image of that thumb drive and its data flow.

    P.P.P.S. Dammit, I think I just undid all that hard work.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Book Review: Daddy Goes to Work

  125. The tampon flash drive is well, flash. I’ve always thought that tampons looked like mice but have never had anyone to consult with on this theory. I felt like this would be a good environment for the sharing.

    Sucks about the RA (makes me think of some really bastardly resident advisor that bitch never would let anyone drink on her floor).

    Deidre’s last blog post..My first night in my adorable apartment

  126. Yay! I’ve never been anyone’s personal hero before!

  127. Is the drug called Rituxan?!

  128. You know, that’s the best part about having an autoimmune disorder and/or RA- they don’t know what the fuck causes it, why the fuck you have it, or why the fuck the medicines they gives you to treat it work (sometimes) (maybe) (hopefully) (not really).

    I have to take Plaquenil for my Lupus (I like saying “my Lupus”, like it’s my BFF and mine and mine alone) and Plaquenil is an anti-malarial. I DON’T HAVE MALARIA. I’ve never had malaria! For whatever reason, a long ass time ago, they realized that after giving Plaquenil to people who had both malaria AND Lupus that for some reason the Lupus symptoms subsided along with the malaria. They still have no real understanding of why. But voila. Medical science. Fucking brilliant.

    I hope you feel better soon- I also have the arthritis stuff going on lately. I thought I didn’t when I was originally diagnosed, but then it’s like I’m now getting punished for being all, “HA HA I DON’T HAVE ARTHRITIS BITCHES!” and I should totally put my foot into my mouth, except I can’t because my legs feel like they belong on a fucking 90 year old, yay.

    Chloe’s last blog post..This is How We Do It.

  129. Forget labia and balloon whatevers .. what about Tracy as a guys name?

    I’ve just spent the last 10 minutes surfing ‘Tracy’ (means ‘warrior’ apparently) because where I grew up (UK) Tracy is a girls name. My best friend’s sister was called Tracy for God’s sake!

    After the 10 minutes of said surfing, I discover that Tracy is not only perfectly acceptable in the US as a guy’s name .. in 1960 it was even quite popular! Who’d have known? Except Americans, obviously. They’d know! And guys called Tracy. They’d know too.

    This site is such an inspiration for learning and self development! But I really need to get out more.

  130. So sorry about the arthritis, duckie. I totally feel for you!

  131. Whoever thought up the tampon flash drive is a freakin’ GENIOUS! I totally want one!

  132. OMFG you make me laugh. I’m pretty sure a day inside your head would be the equivalent of a years supply of laughing gas and antidepressants.

  133. This reminds me of that all-girl weekend with too much wine and talk of meat curtains.

  134. I don’t think any of those flash drives can hold enough data for the woman with the outrageously large labia.

    Bridget’s last blog post..Now I’m totally not allowed to watch TV unsupervised

  135. The tampon flash drive is nice and all, but if you see a tampon that looks like a cork, let me know – I’ve got a really ironic Mother’s Day present planned.


    Cat’s last blog post..You People Know Me Scary-Well

  136. If you had the huge labia, you could just clap for us with them… just sayin’

    CLD’s last blog post..Just One More

  137. Love the tampon flash drive. Perfect for us women who are more embarrassed about our computer addictions than our menstrual flow.

    I made it to the end, by the way. How could I not?

    Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy’s last blog post..He Blogs, She Blogs: Shoes, Fish and Metros OH MY!

  138. The RA sounds extremely unpleasant. Sorry. Maybe a bunch of hot green tea might help. Works for cramps. Migraines. Don’t think it shrinks huge labias, tho.

    WineWonkette’s last blog post..Toasting my Father, Six Months After Ike

  139. You are one of about 5 blogs that are marked as favorite, so even if I don’t read every one of my feeds, I never miss yours. And I would never dream of stopping before the end of your posts, even if I had just learned that you have labia that won’t function as a lap blanket.

    Love you.

  140. Oh my gosh! Does the government know about these tampons? I’m sure that’s exactly how the communitst are smuggling info out of the US.

  141. Hey, you are rocket scientist, I’m sure of that! I have youdata ads, they sponsored me to go to Mom 2.0 Summit, don’t know if you knew that or even cared, but anyway, I’ve never had those kind of ads, maybe I need to go back and fill out my mefile again, lmao

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Parenting Sites 411

  142. I definately read wrong and thought you said you couldn’t do prostitution or knitting well BECAUSE you didn’t have the world’s largest labia, and my brain was all, “I get the prostitiution bit, I mean niche marketing and all, that’s gotta be someone’s thing, but why would she need giant labia to knit? Have I been doing it very very wrong?” but then I assumed that was one of the fundamental differences between knitting and crochet.

    Then I realized I just can’t read.

    Dani’s last blog post..The counter-argument for the claim that good ideas come to you in the shower…

  143. OMG, the tears! As soon as I stop crying from laughing, I have a question for you…
    Hold on…
    giant labia. ahahahahah
    eeee, whooooo,
    OK, OK…
    Question: About 4000 years ago you posted a linke to technorati and how it showed all the places that have posted a link to your blog. I can’t find that spot on technorati any more. Can you help?
    Oh, and does she get a giant clit to go with the giant labia? That could get awkward.

  144. Sure, although it’s often broken. Got to and put your blog url into the “search the blogosphere” box. Then it’ll give you who’s linking to you. You can also use which picks up some that technorati doesn’t find.

  145. Weird, I feel like maybe I shouldn’t keep my flashdrive next to my labia anymore.

    You. Have. Totally. Ruined. My. Life.

    Also? I’m going to eat my apple now.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Dancing With Myself AND Complete Abandon

  146. I made it to the end of the post! I’m awesome.

    I work in a rheumatologist’s office and the side effectst that come with some of those drugs are just ridiculous. We have one lady who refuses to take the makes-your-hair-fall-out meds because she doesn’t want to be bald, but calls every day to say that she’s in pain and they need to find someway to fix it. My personal favorite is the fact that I spend half of my day referring our patients to opthamologists because one of the meds apparently makes your eyeballs rot out of your head if you take it too long…mmm. Science.

    Kate’s last blog post..Fun with hypochondria!

  147. Re: Labia…

    I’d ask what’s wrong with you, but that conversation is longer that my remaining time on Earth, so I’ll take a pass.

    Love, B

  148. You know, the whole labias-as-window-treatments analogy is just begging for you to do a Photoshop montage.

    mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..Something fishy this way comes

  149. I found my way over here through a TBogg link a little while ago, and have been totally hooked ever since. You may be the most deliciously perverted person I’ve ever come across.

    So sorry to hear about the RA. I don’t know anything about the meds, but you might want to consider getting voice recognition software to help with the blogging if you decide tongue blogging isn’t as much fun as it sounds. Dragon’s Virtually Speaking program has improved a lot over the years, and is actually now really pretty good. And to the extent that it screws things up, that would probably just give you fodder for another post.

    I can’t even begin to imagine how it would transcribe “giant labia.”

  150. i want the tampon usb drive!

    and ohmygod. i’m never eating anything with you. unless you invite me. then i’ll be all, jenny invited me to lunch! who can pass that up? but i won’t really eat. i’ll just drink heavily.

    ms. changes pants while driving’s last blog’s already slipping away.

  151. 153

    If they really want a flash drive no one steals, they should rub some ketchup on it. Not a soul would touch it then.

    CheekySweetie’s last blog post..In honor of Lisa

  152. Oh a tampon flash drive would be a no no for me. I’ve had days were I couldn’t find my pencil and then found a tampon behind my ear…

  153. So my brother has been on the “meth” business you’re talking about for close to 20 years. No cancer so far, but he is able to maintain a 9-5 job, so that’s something right?

  154. 156

    That may possibly be the best internet ad I’ve ever seen.

    Really, Jenny, I wish you the best and hope your RA miraculously disappears because, well, I really like reading your blogs and I would imagine typing with claws might not be as fun as it seems it would be. So.

    You should get one of the speech writer things that types what you say so you don’t actually have to use your claws to type and they can be put to better use like possibly making kitten-mittens. 🙂

  155. 157
    Marion in Savannah

    I simply MUST have a tampon flash drive… You’re my new heroine for letting me know such a thing exists. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that the drugs work and you’ll be able to cross your own soon.

  156. Um I have RA too and I’m sure to this point in my illness it hasn’t affected my labia. So there’s good news.

    If your hair falls out due to the methtrx and someone stares at your lack of locks give them a Philly “What The F are you looking at!” Follow it with a hand gesture to insure greater understanding. Sometimes Visual Aids are required.

    Jenn’s last blog post..March Madness

  157. binder clips would kinda hurt…if I had a huge labia I would use those little plastic ones that are shaped like duckies or pandas. fun for the whole family and slightly less painful

    Hannah’s last blog post..cake flavored panties

  158. This was the second post I’ve read from you and I think I have a girl crush! 😉

  159. I was freaked out after I saw that show. But cause I imagined those legs on my body. Love how your mind works though!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Jewelry Open House Invite

  160. tampon flash drive?! wtf!!

    I totally need one, just to gross out the guys in my college classes.

  161. Why on earth are you griping about your clawed paws? Your microscopic labia surely makes up for it, no? Heh.

    cagey’s last blog post..What’s in the bag?

  162. Here are two good things about RA:

    1. It does not affect your vagina.
    2. You could still be a hooker as long as they just touch your vagina and nothing else with a 10-foot pole.

    Oh, and on the upside, that woman must have the world’s largest..oh never mind.

    Mari’s last blog post..This makes me laugh…

  163. So then I was all “It’s like a tiny curtain” and Tracy was like “What?!” and I’m all “Oh never mind.”


    Also, I think I’d rather have a tampon disguised as a flash drive than a flash drive disguised as a tampon. Just sayin.

    Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoat’s last blog post..The Post That Makes You Stop Talking To Me

  164. …saving kids from burning buildings one giant labia at a time

    That could be her motto and I’m pretty sure if she printed that on business cards and handed them out everyone would want to be her friend

    WM’s last blog post..What a week

  165. Seriously, when you said she would be all ready for “prom” I thought you said, “porn.” It would have been more appropriate I think.

    How can you be so funny about something so serious (arthritis) I can’t help but laugh! Especially the image of you typing with your tongue. Too funny!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..New skirt! Houston for March

  166. You just made me spit water out onto my computer screen. Thank you. Best laugh of my day – even the arthritis part (I’m sorry).

    NaysWay’s last blog post..FEAR No. 020 – Getting As Good As You Give

  167. Ok, it’s official – this is the funniest blog i’ve ever read. it’s like a secret adiction. i read you at work where i inevitably giggle at your hilarious, blunt descriptions of things and then a co-worker will ask what’s so funny and i find myself totally unsure if it’s appropriate to say giant labias in the workplace. thanks.

  168. If I had a giant labia, I would totally go Rocky the Flying Squirrel on everyone and soar through the forest at night. BTW I like how the tampon drive has different absorbancies instead of gigs.

    carolinemichelle’s last blog post..This is why I’m fat, this is why I’m fat, this is why, this is why, this is why I’m fat…

  169. Geez… I hope people don’t confuse that flash drive with the real thing. That kind of data I can do without.

  170. Your husband is a lucky, lucky man. Not just for the obvious reason, (that, too!) but because I signed up for YouData and didn’t get to see a single ad about boobies. Damn.

  171. I laughed almost as hard at Sayre’s comment above as I did a the whole post.

    And yay! I have a YouData account! Another place to login for it!

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..March Greeblemix!

  172. Are you sure the giant labia woman didn’t get bit by a tse tse fly? I hear those things can really mess you up.

    Hope you are feeling better. Try a hot tub or a whirlpool bath.

  173. 175

    I totally wish I’d thought of the Tampon flash drive now. I mean, I would have had wayyy cooler names than ‘regular’ or ‘super’ or’ultra’ though. I would have labeled them ‘Ob’ ‘Tampax’ and ‘OhMyGodMyVaginaSwallowedAPaperTowelRoll.’
    And those Brazilians think they’re sooo creative.

  174. Have you ever watched Dane Cook? He has a whole spiel about large labia and going down on women with large labia and how it’s like getting stuck in curtains.. I laughed just as hard reading your thoughts on large labia as I did watching his sketch.

    Sorry about the methotrexate.. don’t be too worried about the whole lymphoma thing it is pretty rare. I was on methotrexate, enbrel, remicade, and arava for like 10 years of my life and so far no lymphoma. I did get acne though.. really bad acne. What’s worse then being the 14 year old high school girl with leg braces and raging arthritis? Having fucking acne to go along with it caused by the damn medications. I was real attractive special attractive. Good luck, I hope you kick some arthritis ass and that you keep writing about it because it makes me giggle.

    L’s last blog post..This week

  175. You love me because I’m going to tell you that there’s actually a cosmetic plastic surgery process for (ready?) labia reduction.
    It’s called a labiaplasty (no seriously) and you can google it!

    So obviously there’s got to be a whacked out surgeon somewhere doing a reverse labiaplasty – I mean, if there’s someone who will knock up a woman with 8 babies, surely there’s someone who does labia enlargement…

    GeekMommy’s last blog post..Dancing With Only One Shoe On

  176. I think God is horribly cruel to give you RA. Or anyone, for that matter.

    While I appreciate your jealousy of the woman with the massive labia, I am good with my normal sized one. It doesn’t bring home the bacon but then again I can fit into regular jeans with a regular sized crotch. No balloon pants needed.

    Memoirgirl’s last blog post..UPDATE: An Affair to Avoid

  177. That flash drive is rad. It would be even radder if the end changed colors if the drive was full or empty. Get my drift? Huh?

    bree’s last blog post..In response to Dooce… The Marriage Questions

  178. I would write a comment here, but I am too busy LMBO. Which is good, because it is fat, from sitting here reading your blog. Your kick-ass, make-my-butt fat (but not the fattest butt in the world, thank God) irreverent WTH blog.

    You keep bringin’ it, Jenny.
    We’ll keep reading. Even if you blog with your tongue (but man what a mess your keyboard would be!)


    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..It’s the Little Things

  179. You beat me again for strangest side effects. I got put on an antidepressant (one of the old school ones) for my migraine. First side effect? Headache.

    Jennifer A’s last blog post..Well that didn’t work out

  180. I will never in my whole life be able to erase from my mind these images of the amazing things one could do with stretchy giant labia. Thank you.

    Julie @ the calm before the stork’s last blog post..i was wrong about the bribes, and the weaning

  181. Jenny, I <3 u.

    1. I am so glad I live alone. My ex used to get all annoyed w/me when I laughed that hard at anything.

    2. Just as I calmed down, I went back and reread. I’ve been laughing for 45 mins. U totally rock.

    3. Speaking of exes…he used to call stretched out labias “roast beef”. Him and his bff would speculate for hours on which stars have it…I think Angelina Jolie was top on his list.

    4. I am one of ur Christian readers, and there is nothing u’ve posted that is actually offensive.

    5. I am adding u to my prayer list, cause there’s nothing else I can do for you, which kinda bums me out…Feel better soon. 🙂

    Gillian’s last blog post..Courage

  182. That… is awesome. Not the labias… that reminds me of Mothra (ala Godzilla) for some reason… like she is going to fly away using her giant labia. And not the RA. That blows giant donkeys. And not a cute donkey… but a really smelly donkey that has actually been out pulling a cart and shit.

    What was I talking about? Oh yeah… the ads. I read the whole thing. Twice. I laughed a lot. I have 5 blogs… get to advertising!

    Bahahaha… Love you Jenny! Sorry you are having a rough time.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Dear Younger, Dumber Me:

  183. Ooh… someone ahead of my comment was talking about drug side effects…

    I just got put on a drug for anxiety that actually gives me electrical shocks throughout my entire body when I sneeze. I keep raising my arms just to make sure I am not having a stroke. This is supposed to make me LESS anxious?!?!

    I mean… it’s no cancer… but it’s totally weird!

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Dear Younger, Dumber Me:

  184. You probably stop reading your comments after 183, but on the off chance you don’t…this is on of my favorite posts from you. Even if it is about labias. Or especially because.

    So goddamn funny.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..First light

  185. I too have an affliction, they call it buck teeth. And a yellow toenail.
    You are funny as fuck. I will read your blog at least bi-monthly.

    John S.’s last blog post..Survivor

  186. I mostly read all the way through your posts when you do post about giant labias. Not having a hugely disproportionate bottom half, I need to live vicariously through your lunch conversations.

    nonlineargirl’s last blog post..Search Me!

  187. I totally got the tampon flash drive, too. Also, love YouData. Actually, I love anyone who gives me money to lay on my back with my laptop. Huh…there may be something to that.

    califmom’s last blog post..Mr. Lumpy and Johnny Depp: Six Degrees of Separation

  188. Holy shit Jenny, I swear my husband minds his own business and never comes up behind me to look at my computer unless I’m reading YOUR SITE, and then every damn time he’s all “WTF? Are you searching for porn or something?”… today he was all, “Because the word ‘labia’ isn’t very sexy!”

    And now I feel like I should just always keep some bible website up on my screen to throw him off.

    JennyFast’s last blog post..More Action From Talkeetna

  189. Man! I wish I had those giant labia to go along with my giant boobs! I have so much fun spinning them around really fast and fanning the family. They are also quite practical at tying back my hair also…and if I could do that with my tits just imagine what I could do with giant labia! I could rule the world! Muahahaha!

    numberonesistah’s last blog post..Man’s best friend!

  190. tampon USB? fuck yes. YouData have won me over already.

  191. Seems your whole rant about this woman’s labia (and you should have been referring to them in the plural, or calling it a labium) was speculation. So where’d you get the giant speculum? And why no pictures?

  192. What a great ad! I’m so signing up for You Data!

    Jodi – Mom’s Favorite Stuff’s last blog post..Protecting Our Little Ones From Online Danger

  193. Ok, the apple/apron/labia bit made me snort diet coke out of my nose. I should really know better than to have any beverages nearby when I’m reading your site. That was hilarious.

    cindy w’s last blog post..I’m going to BlogHer

  194. All right. Here’s me, who reads your blog on occasion but always love it when I do and think that you are just so by far the best writer of these blog things out there. Here is why. Lots of the gals are good good writers but their work is always kind of familiar and predictable in terms of insights and the tropes of their language. But you have such a lively mind and a really unusual, lightning-quick way of using language that your entries always feel unexpected and truly quirklily wonderful–not studiedly so. I love it. And salute you!

  195. Oooh, methotrexate. Rock it! My RA doc put me on Plaquenil (an old timey malaria drug) and ye old steroids. I feel your pain. Quite literally. I referred my own ass over to Johns Hopkins and hope to get some actual relief soon. Let’s hope your labia have no arthritis. God forbid if you were unable to cross them! No one needs labia arthritis.

  196. I’m Having A Heavy Day: USB Tampon Drives…

    These flash drives are real products from meninos that look like tampons and come in several sizes so you get just the right fit for your particular data flow. Having a light day? Go with 1GB. Flowing like you’ve……

  197. Ooh ooh, I made it all the way to the bottom! You know why? Because you and your blog fucking ROCK. Even if your labia are like a small window treatment. (No one is perfect).

    A Lil’ Irish Lass’s last blog post..If You’re Going To Send Me A Fucked Up Email, At Least Proofread It

  198. I am confused and excited about finding your blog thingy I also think I want to have your children.

  199. besides, chicky would never ever need to buy a kite again, she came with her own.

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Getting Ready, Winners and a Wisenheimer Apology

  200. […] speechless. Available in Regular (1GB), Super (8GB) and Ultra (16GB). Picture says it all. bloggess via gizmodo var addthis_pub = ‘craziestgadgets’; var addthis_brand = ‘Craziest Gadgets’;var […]

  201. Labia, fisting, Jesus semen…my goodness, what’s left? Female body parts that rhyme with Delores?

  202. Ohhhhhhhhhh…….

    Do your labia hang low?
    Can you swing ’em to and fro?
    Can you tie ’em in a knot?
    Can you tie ’em in a bow?
    Can you throw ’em o’er your shoulder
    Like a Continental Soldier?
    Do your labia haaaaannnnnngggg llloooowwww?

    I’ll go away now.

  203. hope your drug cocktail kicks your arthritis’s ass!

    P.S. who doesn’t love a tampon flash drive.

    Domestic extraordinaire’s last blog post..Tuesday’s Top Ten-The Awareness Edition

  204. 206

    Your tragic story gets me through the day. It’s like My Left Foot, but with only average size labia. So you’re twice as heroic.

  205. I’m leery of that flash drive. Wouldn’t it get cranky, crampy, and leak data every 28 days or so?

    Condo Blues’s last blog post..Clean Well All-Natural Hand Sanitizer Review and Giveaway

  206. […] and 16GB, these flash drives look exactly like tampons. And for once, I have nothing else to say. [The Bloggess via […]

  207. I sent my pregnant pal to read your post in the hopes that laughter would induce labor. But then I thought she might feel bad. Because she does not have giant labia. And if she did, she could swaddle her baby up even as it was being birthed. And it would be the most secure baby ever. If only she’d been a little more blessed in the labial dept.

    Queen B Mommy’s last blog post..So Long and Thanks for The Cheeseburgers Mom 2.0

  208. The fact that you seriously have RA and it is so awful: it really, really sucks.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Happy, Happy Birthday

  209. 211

    I thought the flash crive was cute but am stuck on you typing with your tounge. I can’t believe that didn’t get more attention in the comments! It sure got mine! Teach my hubby some of your tricks! We can always use more tricks!

  210. 212

    drive.. not crive. Don’t you hate it when you spot a typo as you hit submit but you’re like less than a second too late… Damn it.

  211. […] and 16GB, these flash drives look exactly like tampons. And for once, I have nothing else to say. [The Bloggess via […]

  212. […] and 16GB, these flash drives look exactly like tampons. And for once, I have nothing else to say. [The Bloggess via […]

  213. Jen,
    Don’t mess with drugs. See a naturopath (a doctor who treats organically) or a competent acupuncturist….
    You don’t want to go down the drug route: too much biochemical interaction:
    robbing Pete to pay Paul means Pete’s pissed and comes over while Paul’s sleeping and shits in his sock drawer and puts itching powder on all his underwear. And masturbates in the mayonnaise in the refrigerator.
    There’s more . . .but I need fresh air.

  214. The labia exchange reads like a movie scene. Please have someone make the movie. And include some Honda product placement. And not only do we read to the end, some of us are pissed there *is* an end.

    fredwich’s last blog post..What you can do to end the most hackneyed TV commercial technique of our time.

  215. […] and 16GB, these flash drives look exactly like tampons. And for once, I have nothing else to say. [The Bloggess via […]

  216. […] 16 Go, cette clé USB pour espionne du XXIe sicèle n’aurait sans doute pas déplu à Mata Hari. [The Bloggess via […]

  217. […] meninos shop via This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias [thebloggess] […]

  218. I’ve spent the last 10 minutes thinking of different uses for the limo sized labia and i think it would be fun to use it like the puddy that comes in an that egg and make newspaper pictures all odd shaped! “hey mom! look at oprah on my labia, she looks silly!” well maybe a little messy though. I think mine is more like a toyota prius. economical yet zippy.

  219. Is that really your life?! I’d PAY to have lunch with you! I’m sure you hear this all the time, but that is some crazy, demented, hilarious, twisted dimension you live in. And, I’ll make martinis for you all day too! Ummm…yes, that’s it. Oh, and I’d be afraid I’d confuse my USB Tampon Flash Drive for the real thing…then it wouldn’t work…twice! 🙁

    WineDiverGirl’s last blog post..Hospitality = Heart

  220. […] OK, ignore this and go read about giant labias. […]

  221. i want to have lunch with you.

    auntie’s last blog post..When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…

  222. I am sorry about your “condition” and your arthritis too.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..If none of this is coherent blame it on lack of sleep…yours or mine.

  223. I always love the drug ads on TV. I was watching an ad for a migraine drug one day that said it caused things like lymphoma, internal bleeding, and several other deadly side effects. I think I would just have to tough out the migraine for a while. lol

    So sorry to hear about your arthritis. I have a little in my feet and ankles sometimes and I know how misearble it can be.

    Melissa’s last blog post..Traveling Through Arizona

  224. So, maybe one day they will make a movie about you, and Beau Bridges will fly a plane and hold you up in the pool and be all dreamy and then be flying to see you and then DIE. Except I think they already made that movie. Maybe you can type by holding a stick in your mouth and feebly pecking at the keys. Maybe you can train your labia to type.

    So, you see, there is always hope.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Witness The Spectacle As I Send Two of King Arthur’s Knights Away in Shame

  225. […] the Blogess Wants To Talk Giant Labias With […]

  226. How did I make it this far without you? I have nothing clever or witty to say, but I want to comment, (even though you obviously don’t need more commenters), because you deserve something for that post. I know! I’ll click on the ads on your blog.

    Lisa C’s last blog post..

  227. As if giant labias weren’t enough, you sweeten the deal with tampon flash drives. I don’t know how I get by between posts.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Swastikas and Cigarettes

  228. I am writing to tell you not to listen to my friend Jenni’s advice on using a pencil in your mouth to type with. I said, “Do you want her to have horrible smokers-looking wrinkles?” She admitted, “no she did not think that advice though.” I suggust a hat with a finger on it or better yet a pool boy with typing skills. You’re welcome.

  229. Surprisingly, more than one chemo drug causes cancer. As does radiation treatment. It’s a different cancer, so that’s okay? Bizarre, no?

    WhyMommy’s last blog post..At Target

  230. Oh My Hell, Jenny… I never leave this blog without totally choking in hysterical laughter. Thanks for the weezing.

    Sugar Jones’s last blog post..Bravo is the New Zoloft

  231. All my YouData ads are for Axe and Jos A Banks. They really don’t get me at all.

    Steve’s last blog post..Free Vertebra in Every Pack!

  232. […] are some places that technology just shouldn’t take you. This and this are two of […]

  233. I swear to cupcakes – this is the funniest post I’ve read in a year. I think I peed myself a little!!

    Can I have lunch with you?!?!?! I think the laughter would work off any calories I managed to injest!

    Bellamomma’s last blog post..Confessions of a Reality TV Hater

  234. I really should not eat before reading this stuff. I peed myself laughing but I also barped (burp + barf) up a bit of breakfast. Actually, I read this last night and was thinking about it after breakfast. So maybe I shouldn’t eat. or sleep. Or drive. This is seriously like a 21st Century Erma Bombeck, except it’s X-rated.

    I’m thinking that Ms. Giant Labia’s honey will have taken scuba or snorkel lessons… ah, mmm… Sorry, that image is so distracting that I can’t write anymore.

    All seriousness aside, however, having a USB drive diguised as a naked tampon would be cool. People would wonder why you are keeping a naked tampon around and some naive guy would pick it up and mention how it looks like a mini Twinkie with a tail or a giant white sperm and maybe stick it in his ear then ask you what it is and you be all, “It’s a naked tampon” and he would be all, “eww!” and kind of toss it back on your desk and go wash his hands and ears. That would be a real conversation stopper. perfect for those coworkers who like to hang around and bug you while you’re working. Maybe they could make it vibrate, too: Then you could, like, use it and it would be all vibrating while it’s being accessed kind of like these little vibrator thingies at Instead of just a plain old naked tampon, maybe they could come with a design like, well, maybe cherries, or Strawberry Shortcake or Hello Kitty or something so it’s not just plain white. Maybe a plaid? You could pass them out as schwag maybe?

    it’s after my bedtime. Sorry if this makes sense. good night!

  235. Dump those bogus meds and get yourself some medical grade cannabis, girl.

  236. Cecily was right. You are hysterical. I can’t stop thinking about the soft pink curlers. I do worry my labia would frizz up, I think I would definitely wet set it for special occasions.

  237. Oh my, where have you been all my life? I don’t know if any other new blog I come across will ever come close to your Honda Accord labia. Thanks for ruining me.

    Amanda’s last blog post..Kids say the darndest things

  238. […] and she owes me a new keyboard now that I spewed coffee all over mine while reading her post about giant labias.  I immediately added her to my blogroll because that one post convinced me that she is totally my […]

  239. I had to read it all the way because I figured more body parts would show up.


    lisleman’s last blog post..ever hover

  240. 242

    After shooting red wine (Borsao) out my nose, I sent a link of this post to my best friend. This is her response:

    “I’ve never read this woman.  Do you think she could come up and collage with us?  If her claws don’t work well enough she could use her labia…I think she could be fun to work with…”


  241. I can’t stop laughing at the stuff you write about!

    Why is it that when you write all this crazy stuff, you get the laughs but when I do the same, all I get are weird looks? Could it be a gender thing maybe? It’s not fair!

    I so have to get me some of those tampon drives and leave some at work. And the guys will be like “So do you actually use those”? And, looking very serious and all, I’ll be like, “Why, yes, of course!” And I could say that truthfully, too. I could wear one on a big string around my neck and pull it out as needed, too. But I doubt many guys have ever seen a tampon so they might think it’s some kind of micro whiteboard eraser or something so that wouldn’t be much fun. At least not until I tell them what it really is, hehe.

    Maybe I could replace the fuzzy dice in the car with some. And then get stopped by a woman cop.

    Maybe they could vibrate when they’re accessed? So then accessing the internal drive would never have felt so good. Label it the G drive. Hey, I’m just saying!

    Whyindahell do you have to get RA anyway? What kind of universe could be so cruel? Maybe it’s too stupid to hope for but I still hope it goes away quickly.

  242. I really enjoy reading your blog! Thanks for the mention of YouData, I could use to earn some extra cash and will be going over to the site to check it out and see if it’s something that would work for me.


    Lea’s last blog post..On the News…

  243. Yeah, so I was forwarded this post by a friend who said she didn’t have many folks she could think of that would “get” it…But I was the person she was happy to send along this Giant Labia blog post to. I am so honored.

    And I have dutifully passed it on to my own list of those special ones. Really, this was just what was called for to make March in Maine bearable.


    Iris E.’s last blog post..In the Kitchen

  244. […] and shaking my head and willing my eyes to shoot out kindness like pastel laser beams. So many of my friends suffer, both in blogland and in the un-linkable flesh. I click PayPal links and summon […]

  245. This is the first thing of yours I’ve read. (Found you from Maggie’s blog.)

    I’m sitting in front of a year 9 German class (I’m an English teacher who is babysitting) and this has been the best thing I’ve read all lesson.

    Take a bow! You’re funnier than a German textbook! 🙂

    Frogdancer’s last blog post..Empathy.

  246. I’m so sorry to hear that your labia is a like a balloon valance. No, really; I am. 🙁 Mostly because I will now think of that ecru balloon valance photo every time I run across the word ‘labia.’ Actually, I am more sorry to hear that your arthritis has gotten worse. I hope the medicine is working and that you don’t end up at BlogHer in a wheel chair screaming that you are the “Stephen Hawking of blogging!!!” all weekend….. Because that would just be sad.

    Amysprite’s last blog post..Inside The Blogger’s Studio

  247. I think Germaine Greer once said no woman wants a labia the size of a horse collar. Can’t imagine why as you have pointed out so many useful things to do with it. If I was on the Nobel selection committee I’d certainly be putting your name forward for nomination. And of course, thanks for introducing me to the balloon valance. My life has been changed forever.
    .-= Greg @ remote control vibrating panties´s last blog ..Remote Control Vibrating Thong – Pleasure And Discretion =-.

  248. The YouData signup is NOT Canadian-Friendly.
    I’m all upset now…

  249. Wth, so not fair. Every time I log on to my YouData I get shit nothing. I guess I’m gonna have to check every damn thing in that little getting to know you questionnaire thingy.

    Vic DaChick recently posted Thank you.

  250. I’m sorry that you’re not blessed with an ‘above average’ sized labia. You crack me up, and I hope that you start feeling better soon with minimal hair loss. Though if you’re looking to make money from home, you could always weave a wallet or a purse from the hair that falls out of your heat then sell it on EBay. I’m just sayin’.

    Shirley recently posted School- Week 1- In Review.

  251. This is the funniest thing I have read in the history of ever.

  252. Coupla things:

    1. A drug designed to prevent cancer that CAUSES cancer is just all kinds of fucked up.
    2. Hopefully, given the date of this post, your claws have uncurled enough by now. I guess so cuz you’re still writing and you were at BlogHer10 and none of your pix showed you in a wheelchair with a Stephen Hawking device so I’m happy for you. (Although you COULD use the arthritis to explain that totally fucked up sandwich you made.)
    3. Thank you for always making me laugh.
    4. I am going to take a shower now and check my labia, which I actually WAS freaked out about after my daughter was born because the doctor had to do so much slicing down THERE that then she had to sew stuff back up and I took a hand mirror and looked and started screaming because it was all asymmetrical and off to one side and looked like a cleft palate in my vagina. Thankfully that somehow resolved itself and it now looks ready for prime-time (or porn) again. But still the memories make me shiver.
    5. All the imagery was hilarious. Except labia as a lap blanket which for some reason gave me the heebie-jeebies. I will explore that further in therapy.

    Leila recently posted Desperate Pickup Lines.

  253. One cripple to another, I’m sending you as many hugs as I can manage with achy joints. Hugs make everything better!

    …I bet that woman could give epic labia hugs. Hell, she could probably tie someone up in them for some kind of kinky labia bondage scene.

    Luscious Lily recently posted Returning to Dorm Life.

  254. How do I get YouData to show me tampon flash drives (totally getting one of those, btw)? They only ever show me baby clothes, and I’m not even a mom!

  255. i will be shocked if your finger hangs in long enough for YOU to scroll down far enough to read this
    but i am now convinced there must be a way to STRETCH my labia and change the world.
    plus when we are at the beach our umbrella just doesn’t cut it and my poor little
    children DESERVE to be shielded from the sun

    Also? the 80’s called and they want their balloon valances back

    karmen recently posted Do Fun Stuff and Make A Difference.

  256. I love scrolling through the comments and seeing comments from people who are (SOMEHOW) visiting for the first time and are like OMG THIS IS THE WEIRDEST BUT MOST AWESOMEST (BAD GRAMMAR I KNOW) SHIT EVER…and then the rest of us are like, Oh, poor dear, new baby reader…you have no idea. You have no idea what you’re in for. Cross dressing legos. Dead hobo fingers. Chocolate M&M Ham sandwiches with Padma Lakshmi. It only gets more weird and MORE AWESOME from here. If Jenny’s blogging on methcancer drugs, there’s no telling what will happen.

    Much love to you, Jenny. Maybe you should kill the fatted calf or something to appease the gods and make your bad karma better? I’ll sacrifice a goat for you and then when I get in trouble for killing someone else’s goats (You can’t exactly raise goats in a one bedroom apartment, now can you?) I’ll say BUT I’M DOING IT FOR THE CANCER METH ARTHRITIS!?!?!?!

  257. Wow! I totally want a tampon flashdrive? Does it come in extra large super plus and with a gigantic labia shaped carry case? If not, it totally should

    TheDHW recently posted mini thought process 1.

  258. I currently have fibromyalgia and my doctor keeps saying blah blah rheumatoid factor blah blah you’re gonna be really fucked in a few years. Thanks, doc. I’m sorry that you’re fucked now. And sorry that your labia aren’t awesomely huge.

    Sam recently posted You Told Me.

  259. That flash drive is funny. I could stash some personal stuff on there and nobody will ever look. Who wants to play with a tampon anyway?

    I think you should probably get some other medicine, because chemo drugs are fucking horrible. I know it’s not full blown chemo, but really, I wouldn’t do anything close to chemo. Seeing how half of the people in my family that went through it are now dead, which is three. the other three somehow made it. They probably never pissed off the pope like I’m sure I have.

  260. LMAO! A Giant labia might give me nightmares… but then again, it would keep me VERY moist and warm at night..

  261. Thanks, its a very very good information of sharing and carrying out folks learn about the routines which can be currently being completed.I experience I can uncover further useful data appropriate right here, several thank you.

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  262. 264
    Lady Penelope

    Ain’t nobody gonna steal that flash drive!

    Pretty sure I couldn’t bring myself to whip it out and use it though. And by ‘use’ I mean as a flash drive.
    However, upon further musing, it *could* be useful to hold top secret data…

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