Babies are flammable but only at night for some reason

A series of unrelated crap:

1. I took a picture of this semi with my phone while I was driving because I’m totally safe like that.

And then I was all “when did jam get flammable?”  Because honestly, there are some things that you shouldn’t have to worry about spontaneously combusting and one of those is jam.  The other is babies but apparently they’re bursting into flames all the time too because why else do all of their pajamas scream “FLAME RETARDANT” on them.  That’s why you aren’t allowed to put blankets on them at night.  Blankets are like baby kindling.  I always hold babies at an arms length just in case they suddenly catch fire.  Also because I’m not good with children.

2.  Victor had to do a redesign on my blog because it kept breaking and now it feels very Swedish and reminds me of tundra.  I wanted it to be all ninja-like and remind me of Garanimals.  Victor was all “What the fuck are you talking about?  What’s a Garanimal?” and I’m all “You know.  They were like mix and match clothes for rich kids.”  And then I started talking about how if Garanimals was still in business and I was in their marketing department I’d totally use that Nine Inch Nails song that’s all “I Wanna Fuck You Like an Animal” and change it to “I Wanna Wear You Like Garanimals” because people would sing it all the time and then Victor was all “What is wrong with you?” and I’m like “That’s probably why they went out of business” and Victor was all “Yeah, that’s why they went out of business” but then I looked them up and turns out they’re still in business and I think I just confused them with the ShirtTales.  In other words, I’m not sure if I like my blog redesign.

3.  A new Ask the Bloggess advice column is up.  How to shave male junk, cat umbilical cords, dead Mayans, blah, blah, blah.

4.  I wanna wear you like Garanaimals. Seriously, I can’t stop singing it.

Comment of the day: Inflammable babies explains a lot – i’ve always instinctively stayed clear of them. I can’t risk a baby exploding – I’ve got the kind of skin that scars. ~ Sheila

136 thoughts on “Babies are flammable but only at night for some reason

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Please forward my compliments to Victor on his site redesign; it’s a fabulously clean, minimal change of visual pace! (But then I’ve always been overly fond of the tundra.)

    Also, I’m pretty sure I used to WEAR Garanimals as a child, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about realizing that just yet. In any case, I now curse you for forever changing the lyrics to one of my favorite Nine Inch Nails songs. Thanks a lot, Jenny!

    Atherton Bartelby’s last blog post..Everything Is Science Fiction

  2. Great, now I’m never getting that song outta my head. At least it replaces that goddamned Wow Wow Wubbzy theme song that has been racing around my brain for the last week.

    Cara’s last blog post..Sunshine Makes Me Happy

  3. Holy crap on a cracker, I totally forgot about ShirtTales.

    I keep babies at arm’s length, too. Not because of the flammable thing, but because I have a feeling they’re contagious.

    JennC’s last blog post..Progress!

  4. I actually had to go see what Garanimals were… then again, I have so many family members, and my son is an only child, and the first grandchild on all sides, so I’ve never actually had to buy him clothes. He’s 11. I still don’t know what size he wears… except that I can wear his shoes.

    Gwynne’s last blog post..Avoidance and cleaning…

  5. Please finish the lyrics.

    “I wanna feel you on the inside” is skeeving me out now because all I can picture is that monkey head that Garanimals used to use as their logo. Or, you know, probably still do.

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..Day Of Silence

  6. You know, I actually have weird trauma surrounding that NIN song (don’t even ask, it involves ex boyfriends and choking) and now I feel much more positive about it. You’re like an awesome Internet therapist!

  7. First off, LOL at “baby kindling” which is kind of innapropriate and second, I was poor as dirt and had Garanimals. That is all.

    Michellew_’s last blog post..What If?

  8. PS. I am pretty sure your husband is a saint because you are way more fuched up than I am and my husband assures me that he is one for dealing with my shit.

  9. ok, jenny. so dave barry came and spoke at my company on friday. long story. but he was talking about how men’s brains work compared to women’s. i can only say, that you and victor constantly illustrate his point to perfection.

    i <3 u.

    Gillian’s last blog post..Women of Influence

  10. I never understood why babies are more flamable at night either. And apparently only in the US. Here in Canada, we don’t care if our children spontaneously combust at night. I’ve even asked a friend who works in Government Product Safety who gave a lengthy explanation involving a lot of Government Words. None of them were English though, so I still don’t understand. And I’m smart! Really!

    Jelly is strained (no chunks). See how smart I am?

    harmzie’s last blog post..What Tomatoes Do In The Dark In The Kitchen Is Their Own Business

  11. Thanks for ruining that NIN song for me. Thanks also for giving me alternate lyrics to sing along in the car when my daughter is present.

  12. lol – i spent some time trying to do alternative words but it kept sounding like a serial killer’s anthem.

    Inflammable babies explains a lot – i’ve always instinctively stayed clear of them. I can’t risk a baby exploding – i’ve got the kind of skin that scars.

    Sheila’s last blog post..the many faces of the Twitterverse

  13. I wanted Garanimals in the worst kind of way when I was a child. We weren’t rich enough. But those elephants and tigers and bears. Oh my! Now, I buy Ann Taylor. For all intents and purposes, it’s Garanimals for Grown Ups.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Seeing Balance

  14. I’m very sorry to have to tell you this but I am going to have to sue Victor and The Bloggess for negligent webmastering since I now have a serious case of “snow blindness.”

    Read it and weep:

    Snow blindness is akin to a sunburn of the cornea and conjunctiva, and may not be noticed for several hours after exposure. Symptoms can run the gamut from eyes being bloodshot and teary to increased pain, feeling gritty and swelling shut. In very severe cases, snow blindness can cause permanent vision loss.

    To prevent snow blindness, people who are at risk are recommended to use sunglasses that transmit 5-10% of visible light and absorb almost all UV rays. Additionally, these glasses should have large lenses and side shields to avoid incidental light exposure. Sunglasses should always be worn, even when the sky is overcast as UV rays can filter through the clouds.[4]

    If snow blindness does occur, treatment consists of quickly easing the pain with topical anesthetics applied in eye drops and the use of cold wet compresses. Further injury should be avoided by isolation in dark room, removing contact lenses, not rubbing the eyes, and wearing sunglasses until the symptoms disappear completely. There is also an ointment that significantly speeds up recovery.

    In the event of lost or damaged sunglasses, emergency goggles can be made by cutting slits in dark fabric or tape folded back onto itself. The SAS Survival Guide recommends blackening the skin underneath the eyes with charcoal to avoid any further reflection.

    Or I will have to start reading The Bloggess in sunglasses. Now, that’s an idea…

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..A Note On A Bottle…

  15. Heh. I RTed you and put you on my messageboard. You are too funny for me to keep to myself. Besides, I’m totally an Internet ICON and you recently got my endorsement. 😉

  16. I mean who doesn’t like flammable babies and male pubes in the shape of a wolverine? Why are you so surprised?

  17. Victor did a redesign? What is he — a web designer or something? A programmer? You realize that is cheating. The rest of us have to do it ourselves. Now he has to do ALL of our redesigns!

  18. Your blog is so bright, I have to wear shades.

    Also, Hubs is going through chemo right now, getting ready for Round 2, and still has his hair, but is anticipating The Big Fallout of IT ALL. So, we are very interested in pre-trimming the junk fuzz to prevent scaring the children. I’ll have to refer him to your column.

    califmom’s last blog post..I Can’t Pray

  19. In addition to bursting into flames, babies also explode a plethora of bodily fluids. My desire to avoid coming into contact with said fluids/flame s is not the reason that I’m childless, but a happy by-product. But I like the idea of eating flaming jam. On toast.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Editing My Past

  20. My sister-in-law is nearly 36 years old and my mother-in-law (her mother) is all, “I wish I could sew labels into her clothes like Garanimals so she would quit screwing up all her outfits.”

    When you say Garanimals, I think, “don’t take anything she says personally because we all get it equally.”

    Wendy’s last blog post..Double Book Report

  21. I like the redesign. And I like Garanimals. I’m 52, and I still wear them. And I wouldn’t eat any jam that wasn’t flammable.

  22. With your song paradies, you could be just like Weird Al Yankovic, but with much better hair. That’s a compliment. But really, Weird Al’s hair isn’t too hard to beat. Could you please think of a way to monetize “Pokerface” by Lady Gaga? I’d like to somehow see it used for a skincare line. Although, with her looks, it would be a skincare line for trannies. Trannies need clear pores too.

    steenky bee’s last blog post..Why I Should Be Selected as Sego Lily Day Spa’s Official Blogger

  23. ok. there are so many reasons why i love you and want to “wear you like garanimals” (or maybe its that other thing…oh well)…but here are a few:
    1. I have often wondered why manufacturers only care about flammable kids at night and why they wouldn’t make everyone’s clothes flame retardant…but not just when they are sleeping. I mean, what is so special about kids that adults should have to go up in flames…??
    2. Tell Victor that Walmart has Garanimals…which sort of makes them the opposite of clothes for rich kids…cuz they are like $4 for each item now. However, you get what you pay for and they aren’t nearly as cute as when they catered to rich kids…I guess poor kids don’t need to be cute or something…but hey! at least they won’t burn up at night? Also…I used to LOVE shirtails…and none of my friends remember them.
    3. I am so stoked to read your advice column…i just wish you posted there more often.
    4. what was 4 again…oh yeah…how you want to…um. YES!

    Dana’s last blog post..Wishing and Hoping

  24. I looked up the hazmat registration number on the back of the truck (it’s a little blurry but it appears to be 1993) and I find that the contents could be one of the following:

    Combustible liquid
    Compounds, cleaning liquid
    Compounds, tree killing, liquid
    Compounds, weed killing, liquid
    Diesel fuel
    Fuel oil (No. 1, 2, 4, 5, or 6)
    Flammable liquid

    It’s fun to think about what they’re putting in jam nowadays.

    http://tinyurl.com/bhrpvt

  25. When I was a kid, I got 1 Garanimals outfit. It was an orange and green striped shirt and green corduroy overalls (gimme a break, it was the 70s). And it had a LION on it. The king of beasts! I loved that outfit. LOVED IT. I think I was cool for the whole two month that it fit me. I remember crying the day my mom made me pass it down to a friend because the pants hit me at mid- calf. Moms can be so mean.

    Lynn @ human, being’s last blog post..Days of Grace: 48/365

  26. Lovely. As if the people around me didn’t already think I’ve become one with the Crazy Stick.

    *I wanna wear you like Garanimals! I want the stitching in the insiiiide.*
    Over. And over.

  27. Something about the truck and traffic jams, but I’m too tired to put togethter the joke, so I’m giving you the pieces, instead. It’s like a kit.

    Also, you should hold babies at arms’ length. They are likely to pee on you. I should know, I have one.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Too Much/Too Little

  28. The slight tweaks in your layout had me really confused for about 20 minutes, especially since you hadn’t posted anything new at the time, so I ran a virus scan to see if my computer was fucking up, which is what I usually assume whenever anything ever changes on a webpage, but I didn’t have a virus. But after the scan my computer crashed. So thanks. A lot.

  29. I’m not usually one to criticize you, but I have to wonder where on Earth you’ve been your whole life, in a cave? Of COURSE jam is flammable!

    In fact, I lost this half of my face to a flaming PBJ a few years back, thanks for asking… But I’ll tell you, in all honesty, it was the most delicious sandwich I’ve ever had.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..An Easter feast: A story in pictures. And some words.

  30. I wanna wear you like Garanimals
    I wanna feel you from the outside
    I wanna wear you like Garanimals
    My whole existence is clothes
    You get me closer to “oh”s.

    ….Look what you’ve done to me!

  31. Oh I have to tell my husband about your thoughts on the song closer by NIN. He used to sing it at karaoke until the owner banned it because it offended her friends. NOT her just her friends and not the 40 other people that were there every weekend to hear my husband sing it. Now he has to sing to me like this “I wanna wear you like Garanaimals”. Just hope he doesn’t sing it during sex, I’m not into Furries.

  32. Babies are flammable at night because the gel in diapers chemically reacts with human urine to form nitroglycerin if left unattended.

  33. Snow blindness averted. I wore the blog around on Sunday and got it a little dingy. Hope this color is better.

  34. **garanimals … not just for rich kids anymore.**
    i swear i saw the garanimals brand at walmart.
    could you work that into the lyrics … somehow?

    jen’s last blog post..any given day …

  35. I’m also singing the song, but my brain doesn’t want to give up the “fuck” so I’m singing “I want to fuck you in Garanimals.” I will need to work hard today to sing silently.

  36. It is true that both babies and jam are not only flammable, but when combined can react violently. The unibomber experimented with “baby-jammers” (as they’ve come to be known,) but even he found it too dangerous. You’re just lucky there wasn’t a truckload of babies nearby. Which there could have been because it’s highly unlikely that a truckload of babies would say “BABIES” on the back. It would probably say “NOT BABIES” or “FRUIT (NOT BABIES)” or something else clever to throw you off.

    mayopie’s last blog post..New Brain disease discovered

  37. Garanimals for rich kids? I remember getting Garanimals from Sears and all the kids at school making fun of me. It might be because I was in 11th grade and could finally afford to pay for them with money from my after school job.

    Dingo’s last blog post..Washed Up

  38. I fucking loved garanimals. I thought my kids looked OK and tumbly-rough and ready to do shit with me when they were outfitted like that.

    Now people just laugh at me in bars when I try to recreate those thrills.

  39. See, I read this and got confused (I know, it’s easily done) and thought of that game where there were pictures of animals cut in half and you can put the crocodiles legs and bum on the monkeys chest with a pigeon head.

    Then I noticed you said clothes and thought of furries and was all “Oh, typical Jenny taking fetishes to a new level, she can’t just be a rabbit, she has to be some kind of kinky wolf/dolphin chymeric hybrid”

    Then I realised that cultural references about clothing lines don’t always travel well and we have no such thing in the UK as far as I know.

    But it was too late, by this time I was already wanting my boyfriend to dress up as a half armadillo /half platypus in a stormtrooper costume.

    HOT

    Gaymosexual’s last blog post..Ginko Biloba

  40. Jen,

    Possibly you could become the new spokesperson for Nine Inch Nails.
    I can see it now——you in your adorable leopard outfit with sew-in bootsies and flames shooting out of your underarms and ears, screaming “LOVE ME” at the top of your lungs . . . . . .I don’t know why you’re wasting your time being a writer—–you’re obviously intended for bigger and even more fucked up better things.

  41. I love that you took a picture of that truck, not just because of the random “JAM” signage. I love those trucks. Every time I see one I want to take a picture. Something about the reflective surface…

    emma’s last blog post..Pleasure Bouquets: Paired Up

  42. Oh, thanks ever so much! First “Eraserhead” and now that Nine Inch Nails video that will make me crazier than a shithouse rat trying to figure out.

    Jam-smeared babies — the new Molotov cocktail. If you see one coming at you with its diaper on fire, run like hell.

  43. I’m a little concerned about this whole flammability thing. Are jam and kids’ jammies made from the same stuff?

    Pebbles…. GREAT jingle.

    BTW, Weird Al did a thorough skewering-by-polka of “Closer” while retaining all but one of the original words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni632sTHZWU

    And I think that his hair of the last ten years or so, after he let it grow long, is pretty great. I’ve seen it at close range, in person, and it’s lovely, in an unconfined sort of way.

  44. jam. Jam jam jam jam. I think i once saw a milk truck with hazardous load signs on it….perhaps tho it’s a CIA or FBI or whatever dirty tricks club transporting , oh, I don’t know, disgruntled Facebook users or terrorists or The Pussycat Dolls to a secret location…I’ve seen it on telly I know the world works like that….

    screamish’s last blog post..the facebook saga continues

  45. I take photos while I’m driving all the time. The police told me to stop, but I was all like “I am a professional blogger and photographer and I can do what I want!” I never had any Garanimals, but I always wanted some. I was depraved as a child.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Cars That I Have Owned

  46. To Michellew in re to your question of April 19, 2009 at 7:16 pm
    “Also, what the hell is the difference between jelly and jam?”

    “It must be jelly, ’cause jam doesn’t shake like that”

    Sometime the answer to life’s mysteries lies in song lyrics from the past. Just ask my mom.

  47. That’s a funny take on NIN’s song…I actually made up my own lyrics to this weekend, its not as cheeky as yours though. About 6 months ago my 2 and half year old(at the time) decide he was going to punch my in the balls! Well about a week later i was doing my morning shower meditation and i had blood in my semen! which made it look somewhat brown. Well for whatever reason this weekend, while listening to GreenDay’s When i come around…i blurted out When i cum, its brown!!!

    Fun times had by all!

    Bobbyd’s last blog post..TPB FTW

  48. I just discovered your site and I love your humor! You are hilarious and I am so looking forward to reading more of your posts. Keep up the great work!

  49. I just discovered you a couple days ago and I swear, you have Made.My.Life.

    I’ve been passing along your blog URL to a buncha my nearest and dearest galpals. You just might be the thing to get me outta this depressive funk I’m in…

    Your idea for the Garanimals/NIN collaboration effin rocks. Just sayin

    Djeepy

    Djeepy’s last blog post..Ok, so if you only do ONE thing today…

  50. So thanks to your whole “Now I write an advice column” thing, I find myself losing inordinate amounts of time reading not only your column, but most of the PNN archives, in addition to the eleventy-billion other blogs I already lurk on at your recommendation.

    My constitutional law professor probably hates you for this. That, or he’s going to thank you because my horrifically bad response on his final will totally be a result of all of the time I spent screwing around on PNN and ATB and this site right here instead of paying attention to his lectures, and although it will garner me a failing grade, he will likely find it hysterical. (Because if you’re going to fail anyway, you might as well make it funny, right?)

    So thanks for ruining my aspirations for a legal career. Expect a call about this from my mother.

  51. Jen—–Can’t you keep these A-holes under control?
    That little sumbitch tried to latch onto me with that geezer tool and then started swinging wildly with a poker. I hit him with my Metamucil and he went down screaming “SHE BLINDED ME!! SHE BLINDED ME!!!” and while lying on the floor started to run horizontally in a circle like a dying clown OD’d on wood alcohol and crystal meth.
    Eventually he ran off.
    I shoulda offed him while I had the chance. Sooner or later somebody’s gonna get hurt by your so-called readers.
    You’re responsible for this. Do something about it.
    Get ’em into counseling or teach them how to write haiku when they’re feeling desperate—–ANYTHING. Just keep ’em out of my hair.
    I hate this shit.

  52. Jen—Wait—that’s supposed to go to the other site.
    Now I am thoroughly confused.
    Should I start cross dressing?
    Fuck. Send it to the other one. The WWTBD one.
    I will.

  53. I love that song and think it would make a great jingle.

    Of course, I also am a person who said to my husband, “Man, this was a great song to have sex to, wasn’t it?” To which he replied, “We’ve never had sex to this song.” WHOOOPS. Bad memory, right?

    Suniverse’s last blog post..Hate to Shop.

  54. You should redisign your site with a flaming-baby theme. Also, I was laughing so much that I almost gave myself a hernia.

  55. Wow. Now the next time someone gives you a lame basket full of fruit and crackers and jam, you won’t know if they’re being nice, or possibly trying to kill you with an exploding flammable jar of sweet berry spread.

    CasaRosa’s last blog post..You Go Yoga Badass

  56. When I read this post in my feed reader I thought you meant Swedish like Ikea , as in I’d have to put it together myself, but now that I see the reindeer smoking in the corner I get it. Although I think I’d say it was a bit more like Finland than Sweden cause it smells a bit like Vodka.

    Lala’s last blog post..day 4

  57. At the risk of sounding like an obsequious toady, if anyone ever asks me (not that I expect them to) how to take 1 boring comment & make it laugh-out-loud funny I’ll just send them here. In no.2 basically what you’re saying is that your hubby redesigned your blog & you don’t like it – but for reasons I’ll probably never understand I’m still laughing about it.

    I’ve never heard of Garanimals but they should *totally* hire you for their marketing department

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

  58. That’s why you put peanutbutter on top of jam. Not only are they natural enemies in the wild (thank you Discovery channel), but peanutbutter is flame proof. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a flame thrower made out of peanutbutter? Riiiiiiiiiiiiight?! But that’s why you need peanutbutter on jam. You could put it on babies, too, but that was just be weird and all Donner-party-esque. You should see what can be done with Nutella!!!

  59. OK but you see jam – like peanut butter – may spontaneously grow life. Check out this video that has an embedded creationist video about that. PEOPLE, I swear!

  60. Someone may have already said this and you won’t read it anyway since I am at the bottom of B.F.E. in your comments… but I don’t have time to go back and read all the comments, so deal with the repeat. (if in fact, it is a repeat) Garanimals are now sold by Walmart. I am not shitting you. Yeah. I was beyond disillusioned, too. I lived in those clothes for most of grammar school. Except for those clothes that my mommy made me. Yeah, I didn’t get teased about those. No, I’m not bitter.

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..My Mom Logic..or Lack Thereof

  61. I read this and like so many others, I got the song stuck in my head. Except I did it wrong. . . “I want to fuck you like Garanimals. . . ” Everywhere I went I was singing to myself. I thought it was to myself, but my husband heard me and now he thinks I am into furries.

    You’ve totally changed the dynamics of our sex life, Jenny.

  62. I have always loved your site design. Then I stop by here today and all I’m see’n is gray…..lots and lots of gray. Wtf?!! You are way too, umm, colorful to have such a drab color on your blog. Don’t worry though…I’ll still be back to read cause you’re way too damn funny to miss. But I’ll be sad through the laughter!!!

  63. I can NOT stop singing “I Want to wear you like Geranimals”……I have even elaborated…..
    “I want to wear you like Geranimals….I want to wear you all day/everyday…..YOU bring me closer to STYLE!!!”
    ……more to come…..

  64. My husband doesn’t know what the fuck Garanimals are, either. I excuse this though, because he’s British, which is akin to being mildly retarded. He doesn’t even have the charming accent, because he’s lived in the States too long. LAME. But yeah, back to the Garanimals. I saw a commercial the other day that they’re back and available at WalMart.

    I’d like to see a grownup version of Garanimals. I’d totally wear my monkey skirt wtih my hippo stilettos and my tiger sweater and my lemur panties. Because fuck that matching shit, can’t everyone in the jungle just get along?

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