Yesterday Hailey’s preschool called to tell me that she had a rash on her stomach and back so I picked her up and I figured it was probably just a reaction from new detergent but I thought I’d run her by the Readi-Clinic just in case because it was on the way home and also there’s a pretzel shop right next to it but when I got there the doctor was all “Uh, this kid has scarlet fever” and I’m all “The fuck?! Like what Beth died from in Little Women?” except I said it quietly so Hailey wouldn’t hear me and the doctor was all “It’s very treatable now. Don’t panic” and I’m all “You know, just because I’m at a Readi-Clinic doesn’t mean I don’t have money. We have great insurance. I just came here because I wanted a pretzel” and the doctor was all “No, really. Scarlet Fever isn’t a big deal anymore. It’s basically strep throat with a rash. Calm down” and I’m all “I AM FUCKING CALM” but I just said that in my head because I didn’t want to freak out Hailey. Then Hailey’s all “Can I have a Popsicle?” and I’m like “We are going to set all your stuffed animals on fire when we get home” and then the doctor started laughing and I’m all “I AM DEADLY SERIOUS” and Hailey said we couldn’t throw Donkey on the bonfire because he’s her favorite and I’m all “Donkey is the germiest. We’re going to burn him twice” and then Hailey and the doctor both looked at me like I’m the crazy one and I’m all “Fine. He’s going in the washing machine. Like, for eighteen cycles.” Then the doctor gave us a prescription for amoxicillin which is like the sad, weird kid of the antibiotic family and I’m all “What is this, bush-league? I told you, I have money”. Then he made us leave and I was so upset that I didn’t even remember to get a pretzel, so basically we’re all suffering.
PS. Hailey is fine and is running around like normal and everything in the entire house is going in the dishwasher. Then I’m going to burn the dishwasher in an abandoned field. I may be over-reacting.
Comment of the day: When I was a kid, I had a children’s version of Little Women, and it totally skipped over Beth dying. It was like “Beth isn’t well” and then she just disappeared, and several chapters later, someone was like “I wish Beth could have been here to see this” and I thought maybe she was on vacation, or in detention or something. ~Kate