I’d probably use a nail gun for the mannequin arms but I’d give the marlins antibiotics so they wouldn’t get infections so stop judging me, PETA

The other day Victor and I were taking Hailey to get a hair cut and she was all “Can I get my hair cut by a fish?” and Victor’s like “Uh…no.  Fish don’t have arms, kid” and I’m all “Ohmygod we should totally glue arms onto fish” and Victor’s all “What?” and I’m like “We should glue baby doll arms on fish and then release them back into the wild because could you imagine if a fisherman caught a fish and it had arms and then it got away right before he got it in the boat and then for the rest of his life he’d be all ‘Some fish have arms!’ and he’d have a kick-ass story for the rest of his life.”  And Victor just looked at me like I was the one with the problem and I’m just trying to bring a little magic into the world, asshole and then I said that we could staple mannequin arms onto giant marlins and Victor was all “Yeah, and then the marlin would be all ‘And now I can do the breaststroke!‘” and I’m all “EXACTLY!” and Victor’s like “I was being sarcastic.  That’s the worst idea ever” and I’m all “I think you don’t know how sarcasm works” and then Hailey was all “Fishes with arms would be AMAZING” and I’m like “High-five, Hailey.  Your daughter totally gets it, dude” and Victor’s all “She’s four” and I’m all “She’s awesome“.  And then I wrote “We should glue arms onto fish” in my book-of-shit-to-remember but then I added “(baby doll arms…not human arms)” just in case anyone finds my book and thinks I’d glue human baby arms onto fish and it makes me a little sad that we live in a world where I even have to make that distinction.

Comment of the day: If I was a fisherman and I caught a fish with arms I’d expect it to give me three wishes and when it wouldn’t talk to me I’d rip its arms out and beat it to death with them. Then I’d regret what I’d done (killed the world’s first armed fish) and probably throw myself in the water.  This is why I’m not a fisherman.  I can’t take those kind of risks. ~ Fuiru

133 thoughts on “I’d probably use a nail gun for the mannequin arms but I’d give the marlins antibiotics so they wouldn’t get infections so stop judging me, PETA

Read comments below or add one.

  1. We would open up whole new areas of research into prothstetics. If the fish could control their new arms, we could train dolphins to sabotage whaling ships. Which would be cool. But can you imagine if the whales & the dolphins wanted legs too. They would totally go after Iceland and Japan. If would be like Godzilla was science-FACT, not science-fiction. Totally awsome.

  2. Fish with arms could totally air-fist the shit out of song they hear on the radio, they can wear a festive holiday sweater, and they can thumb through a sky mall catalog if the mood arises. I totally agree with you on this one, fish NEED arms!

    Hippo Brigade’s last blog post..The Tampon Story

  3. The breaststroke would be hard because mannequin arms tend to be quite stiff and unwieldy. Freestyle would also be tough because fish don’t have necks that they can turn to take a breath… do they? Or wait, they’re FISH, they don’t have to take breaths! Hey, I think we might be on to something olympic here. If both were wearing those speedo spacesuits, could anyone tell with certainty the difference between Michael Phelps and a marlin?

    Jacquie’s last blog post..something grand

  4. You can have my coupon to Michael’s craft store to buy babydoll arms. We are in a time of recession, after all.

  5. P.S. Fish with appendages is probably a niche site just waiting to be exploited. Have you checked to see if limbfish.com is taken? Really, once that gets going, you may as well print your own money.

    Writer Dad’s last blog post..My Daughter Danced For Me

  6. With kitten mittens for the homeless and now fish arms, I don’t understand why PETA isn’t trying to recruit you for your good deeds. I mean seriously.

  7. If I was a fisherman and I caught a fish with arms I’d expect it to give me three wishes and when it wouldn’t talk to me I’d rip its arms out and beat it to death with them. Then I’d regret what I’d done (killed the world’s first armed fish) and probably throw myself in the water.

    This is why I’m not a fisherman. I can’t take those kind of risks.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..A Brief Lull

  8. If I were the fisherman who found the fish with the baby doll hands, I would be psyched. I’d probably throw a parade for the person who glued them on, which would be YOU. Therefore, if you glue arms to fish, you’ll get a parade. I vote you use a hot glue gun.

    Ania’s last blog post..Cien. Sto. Cent. One Hundred.

  9. Right up there with the inside-out-dead-cats-as-mittens-for-the-homeless idea. Keep ’em coming.

  10. Fish would TOTALLY be into this. They are always trying to figure out a way to get a leg up (hee hee) on all that evolution business and get into some of that way-good human stuff (like bbq’s, and eating while sitting up, and spellcheck, and Nascar, and reality TV, and Chicken of the Sea (oh wait, maybe not that as much, but WHO KNOWS?), and kick-ass bloggers and stuff). Have you ever seen the way they look up at you out of the water, like they’re actually trying to figure out if they could rip YOUR arms off and use them to superswim up out of the water into the boat and start fucking with you with those sneaky barbed hooks with the totally fake worms? Think about it.

  11. Fish with arms would totally make fishing a real sport because then they could fight back. In fact, fish with arms could use weapons. Then you’d really have armed fish. Just think how fascinating a bass tournament would be!

  12. I have to get high to think like this. And not just my every day, walking-around high. Like, on the couch, committed to a day of takeout and “Electric Company” DVD’s high.

  13. Would the fish have to go to beauty school before it could cut hair, though? Or would it just be like, “Oh, dude, there’s a fish with arms, screw it I’m going to let it cut my hair and I don’t care what it looks like because it’s a fish with arms”?

    I think I’d go with the latter. That? Would be a kick ass story I could tell for the rest of my life.

    shine’s last blog post..It’s Friday, we should break up.

  14. But you’re not thinking of the mannequins for the Marlin arms. Think of the armless mannequins that will be staring at people as they pass. Those stares can get downright creepy if they HAVE all their limbs. Imagine if they didn’t. Then, one day, the mannequins will come to life and revolt like the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica only they will be armless and so their attempt to take over the world will fail pathetically and we’ll all just feel sorry for them. And the fish my sympathize (because fish are awesome like that) and return the arms. Then we’re all screwed, and it’ll be like I Am Legend, only with mannequins instead of mutated humans. Or fish.

    What was I saying?

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..Snapshot of a Shutter Bitch Evening

  15. Dear Jenny the Bloggess, I got a zombie award and I want you to have one, too. Because you’re the sort who would truly appreciate a zombie chicken.

  16. native americans shaved with clams, which is why we took their land and came out with the Gillete Mach 5. 5 fucking blades, zero clams

  17. I had exactly the same reaction when I found out that chickens eat grit to make their eggshells, and I realised that you could feed a chicken purple-coloured grit and the chicken would lay purple eggs. And then I took things one step further and realised that you could feed a chicken gold and it would lay GOLDEN EGGS.

    blueskies2day’s last blog post..

  18. Mermaids might picket you because they are the only fish really born with arms and they might think it wasn’t fair that they were actually born with arms and the Marlins came by the arms the way a woman might get implants. However, on that note, marlins would be the source of a new form of amusement in the fish world.

    Anne Marie’s last blog post..How I became an attorney, part V

  19. Giving arms, and thereby hands, to fish could lead to some entertaining fish slaps. They’d be all “Fish, plz!” and “You like the feel of my fin? Try the back of my hand!”

  20. I have to say I’m fundamentally opposed to fish having arms unless I get some kick ass fins. I suppose I’d be willing to trade with a fish for like a week, but not permanently and he’d have to leave me some collateral like his gills or something. That way he couldn’t disappear into the sea with my arms. If he tried I’d have his gills and his fins and I could easily catch him, but he’d still have my arms and could bludgeon me despite my newfound swimming prowess. Then he could just take back his gills and fins leaving me armless, finless and floating helplessly while that asshole is swimming off and clapping. I remain fundamentally opposed.

    mayopie’s last blog post..I’m so going to hell

  21. and then the fishermen could hold the fish’s arms out and say “I caught a fish THIS BIG”. but then fisherman would have to work even harder to tell a fish-tale. maybe rip off their arms and glue on some bigger ones. and then fish would be mistreated. nice going.

  22. Now I know you read my comments about color coordinating, because today your blog is kind of dolphin gray. That’s wonderful, but aren’t marlins kind of blue-ish?

  23. Gluing arms onto fish would give sharks an unfair advantage when they fight lions so then you’d have to give the lions scuba gear to maintain the balance of power but then the sharks would want retractable claws – What Have You Done?

  24. Okay, no, this is not an idea I can support! All I’ve wanted since I was 6 years old was a tail. I mean, really, is that so much to ask? I’m not looking for fame or riches, just a goddamn tail coming out of my ass. And now you’re telling me that not only do I not have a tail yet but that fish get fucking fins AND arms? Not cool. Get me a fucking tail and we’ll talk.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Dude Looked Like a Hairy, Long-Armed Lady

  25. Victor has no sense of fun.

    I am glad Hailey has inherited your joie de vivre and sense of the absurd.

    It’s not just marlins that will require mannequin arms. We have some big sturgeon out here.

    And Hailey could get her hair cut by Sammy the Salmon – check it:

    http://troutunderground.com/images/dancingsalmon.jpg

    My husband wore one of these, and he was totally hot. Everyone usually calls me a tree hugger, but after he put it on, they called me a fish kisser.

    Fantastic Forrest’s last blog post..It Happens Every Seven Years

  26. OMG, I am totally gonna buy an aquarium and get a bunch of goldfish (cuz they’re the cheapest and if they die, you just flush ’em). Then I’ll rip off all the Barbie arms I can find and glue ’em on. Then … I’ll probably get hauled away by men in white coats, but at least they’ll have the good drugs.

    CasaRosa’s last blog post..1-900-Make-Momma-Rich

  27. ok I don’t want to be all Debbie downer… but I think about 100million years ago God or evolution or whatever kinda DID that already… but it wasn’t enough. No, no – that little army (haha that’s funny) of fish demanded legs, AND insisted they lose all the frilly gills ‘n fins ‘n tails, and then they really rebelled and started breathing air instead of water and moved out of the pond onto land (though they still winter in the pond – land is cold). Oh, and they didn’t like being called fish either (who does?) so they go by frog now. Which in some circles is an acronym for Forever Rely On God. Makes sense now doesn’t it?

  28. I fucking love how your brain works. Can I take it out and play with it sometime?

    You do realize I hope that it’s the uptight lack of creativity which requires you actually explain babydoll arms on fish as opposed to human baby arms, right? And if someone finds your book in the future and you never explained it, think of the awesome chaos you might create with that bit of brain candy.

    I want to live in your head. I’m not explaining that.

    Mia Watts’s last blog post..Knickers Untwisted

  29. One time I was deep sea fishing on a party boat and I swore I saw a diver coming up that just never surfaced and I yelled at my dad to check it out and he said, “Look around do you seen any boats? How could there be divers?” But I still tell people they were there. Imagine if those mutants had fins? I’m going to glue fake fish fins to imaginary deep sea divers that fancy ladies on party boats.

  30. I’m loving the idea myself, if for no other reason than the whole fisherman with a story detail. He’s sooo be made fun of for years to come, and may even get a psychological evaluation at the insistence of his wife, while all the while knowing that he really did catch a fish with arms. And secretly wondering if maybe he just had heat stroke on a hot day in a boat on the ocean.

  31. I have some baby doll arms I could contribute! Have to be careful not leave any fingerprints because if the fisherman finds it and takes it to the news they could call in the CSI and CSI’s would totally find fingerprints, then they could find you and be all “Why did you try to fool the world huh?” and so wipe down the doll parts so they can’t track you down.

    Karen’s last blog post..Facts about me

  32. I love the idea. But can we find mannequin arms with the middle finger extended? Imagine some commercial fishing ship pulling up a stringer line with all these middle fingers bobbing in and out of the water at them? AWESOMENESS! Ooo ooo or Discover Channel shark cage divers being flipped the bird as Jaws swims past (can you say what the fuck? on Discovery…I mean it’s like a documentary right?). But I guess some darn Asian would just come up with Shark Fist soup and it would be all over again.

  33. Well, I’ll be darned… Who knew that three sentences could make an entire ginormous paragraph? Color me impressed. (And yes, “ginormous” is an actual word. Check merriam-webster dot com if you don’t believe me. Then feel guilty for ever doubting me. Jerk.)

  34. You know those fish markets in Seattle where they throw each other fish and someone has to catch it? If someone threw me a fish w/ arms, I’d duck and cover my head b/c a flailing fish is scary but a flailing fish w/ flailing arms is where I draw the line. I mean, that is if fish ever DO get arms and if I ever find myself in Seattle at a fish market.

  35. Jenny, I think your idea is genius. If you need help gluing, stapling, duct-taping, etc. you should call me. I’d totally be ALL OVER that shit.

    Also, I think you should shun badassdad05 for implying that your idea is less than 110% awesome. I’ve got my shunning boots at the ready.

  36. Ok. Did Victor know you were a baby-arm-doll-gluing, hobo-finger-stealing, giraffe-loving lunatic BEFORE he married you?

    And while I love the idea, please don’t use a glue gun. It might hurt the fish.

    Maybe you could use that blue stuff from the infomercials – you know that playdough-like stuff that will hold hundreds of pounds?

  37. Victor knew I was different but I don’t think he realized the full gravity of the situation. He does now. But in my defense, he’s kind of totally weird too. Just in a more Republican kind of way.

  38. If only I could remember my dreams…they would go something like fish arms…that’s why I can’t wake up in the morning…it’s all so riveting .
    -{}-
    ^

  39. The halibut will pose a challenge seeing as their “sides” are really their “tops and bottoms”, and they swim flat on the bottom of the ocean like slippery magic carpets (OOH GOOD PORN NAME), so we’d have to come up with a double arm prototype for their tops, which is actually their sides, which basically means their eyes are in their armpits. Or we could just give them one arm because they’re already fucking freaky.

    Cat’s last blog post..Waldo Almost Puked*

  40. I’m still stuck on ‘breaststroke’ What kind of breasts would the marlin have to stroke? Maybe these painkillers and Don Patron don’t mix too well after all. or maybe too well. Hmmm. I think I’ll go over here and sit down for a while and think about mannequins.

  41. I think you have to do a controlled study first. Buy some goldfish and try it at home to make sure they can swim properly with their new appendages. Once you know that they can, then you can proceed with your catch and release option. My life would be complete if I caught a fish that had arms attached and the story would keep me warm on cold, cold nights. Not like that time I was at the Lake of the Ozarks and caught a spoonbill and was like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” and threw the pole and everything in the water and ran. Leave it to the Ozarks to have ugly fish the size of people.

    Vikki’s last blog post..Like Singing in the Rain but with Less Grace and More Swearing

  42. There’s probably a porn site that is already doing this for people who have mermaid fetishes but don’t actually want women who can talk.

  43. I had a similar idea that involved genetically engineering spiders to grow bells so that I could always hear them approaching and have time to run far, far away. Because I’m afraid of spiders and I like the sound of bells.

    At Christmas time, the Salvation Army could just fill their buckets with a bunch of the spiders instead of making a homeless person stand outside of Macy’s all day long. Plus, it would discourage thieves from sticking their hands into the buckets.

    I am always looking out for humanity like that.

    Lemish’s last blog post..You try and write something interesting about masturbating toy dogs, then you can judge me

  44. I don’t know how fish have managed to live so long with out arms. Arms are awesome, they totally come in handy!

  45. I don’t know what I would do without you each day!
    Shot Pepsi out my nose reading this one, I should know better by now!
    You always make me laugh out loud!!!!!!

  46. With arms, sharks would not need lasers on their heads, they could now hold them and aim.

  47. And, see, I read Hailey’s comment as, “can you use a fish as the cutting implement on my hair?” Which is a no less awesome idea. Except then you’d have to find a way to glue blades onto the fish and that’s just dangerous.

    Kathleen’s last blog post..I Feel So Dirty

  48. okay, but see, it would be totally awesome to have doll arms or mannequin arms or, better yet, Edward Scissorhands arms on the fish because then when caught andd eaten, they come with their own utensils. Totally sells itself in the restaurant because the menu’s all like “buy this entree and bring home a set of steak knives” because the knives are already part of the fish. That’s just good use of resources.
    Screws you a bit on the PETA thing, but if you promise to catch some and, instead of eating them employ them as butchers, why then…

    Naptimewriting’s last blog post..Okay, let’s get six or seven things straight.

  49. Well don’t with arms, include legs too. Then the marlin could walk up on the beach and say “payback’s a BITCH flipper boy!”

  50. nail gun wouldn’t work. They are slippers fuckers and the arms would just fall off.

    If you are really patient you could sew the arms on. I suggest one of those industrial machines though, cause one of those home ones would take forever.

    Oh and I just found a couple of bottles of antibiotics you can have. They expired a few years ago but it is cool. Fish can’t read.

    Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo’s last blog post..A Hard Act

  51. If fish have arms, and hands, and fingernails then Sally Hansen will really have her work cut out for her. Making nail polish that stays on in the water… Because le’ts be honest her shit rubs off after one sink full of dishes and then you’re sitting around with chiped nail color and it looks like crap and the last thing in the water world we need are fish with shitty looking fingernails.

    Shari’s last blog post..Rah, Rah, What?!?

  52. I am totally trying this with the kids’ goldfish. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  53. This is a good example of a good idea whose time has not yet come.
    People are not ready for fish with arms.

    People may be ready for fish with little hats and ornamental jewelry.
    Party fish, people can accept.

    But the arms will have to wait. Armed fish would only set off the Homeland Security sirens.
    It would be a call to fish arms.

    You are far ahead of mankind, Bloggess. Some day the world will catch up.

  54. I must have a truclodd of barbie arms. They are hours for the gluing

    Damn ipod!

    Pretend it is fixed and makes sense.

    melisrress’s last blog post..Into the light

  55. If you could find a way to harvest all the arms from those thumb-sucking dolls, you could create a whole new species of thumbs-upping fish, swimming around and signaling to all the other fish that everything’s just super. Good work, ocean! Keep it up, kelp!

    And there you have it, Jenny the Bloggess, changing the world…one fish at a time.

    Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..I’m pretty much the Dear Abby of boogers and queefs

  56. You could totally take this whole ‘missing link’ thing by storm. Think about it…instead of the car decals with the fish with feet, they’d have arms. You could have one that was flipping people off even! OH, and don’t forget the one peeing on the car decal. Those are priceless.

    Amo’s last blog post..A peek inside a typical morning at the Davis ranch

  57. I like to fish. (ha to you PETA!). With arms, the fish would be jerking the line all the time just for fun and I would be all, whoa! I got a big one! and it would be the fish paying me back for all the relatives I took away.

    I made myself feel guilty

  58. I think we need to glue wigs on their heads too. That would be awesome. Fish with baby doll arms and wigs. I totally dig this idea.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Money on my Mind

  59. Try to figure out a way to get the middle fingers up on the hands b/c then the fisherman would be telling people, “I caught a fish WITH ARMS and it was GIVING ME THE FINGER”, but since the fish got away, no one would believe him. That would be funny.

  60. I’m pretty sure most of the people here spend at least several minutes thinking what their comment should be in hope it will become “Comment of the day” and that’s the main reason they’re posting. It’s like some kind of sweepstakes, which is a great idea actually, I’d try it, but it would have to say “Comment of the reader”.

    Anyway, I think the arms would fall of underwater and even if caught the fish would look perfectly normal. Or it will die.

    Tim_Logik’s last blog post..God moves in mysterious ways

  61. Ach, man have no imagination. Ok, except Shakespeare. And Hemingway. And Victor Hugo. And Marc Jacobs.

    Ok fine, some men have imagination, but women have way more. and we can think of cooler stuff. And by we I mean YOU, right now. ’cause I never would have thought of stapling arms onto fish! That IS awesome. You can totally kick Shakespeare’s ass.

  62. so, i gotta tell ya, i read a lot of blogs. it’s kind of a problem. and my love interest just doesn’t get it. he’s not interested in blogs.
    except yours. i read yours aloud to him every time you post and he actually laughs authentically and not with that ‘oh, yeah, whatever you said and i agree with you because you let me play with your girl bits.’

  63. My god you have the best followers every.

    I’m still laughing about Edward Scissorhands.

    Can I get a fish with a cleaver?

  64. I think that octopi pretty much have that arm thing covered in the marine world. On the other hand, I would be totally into seeing dolls with fishheads glued on to them instead of that insipid blank stare.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..I’m BACK!

  65. I think swimming fish-with-arms (I vote to call them ‘Marlimbs’) would be cool, but once they die, it would be straight creepy. Think about the fish yards and markets, with all those bins full of fish like they show in the movies (seeing as I’ve never actually seen one in person because I live in the South and not Seattle or New York or some other place that has fish bins). It would just be arms hanging out all over the place, and then people fish-shopping waltzing through the aisles would be picking up the hands and saying “This one looks a little pale today” and then dropping them and it would feel like a murder scene. Even if they were mannequin or baby-doll arms, it would then just feel like a bad experiment dump site. And all the men throwing fish into the backs of trucks would look like they’re in the mafia and passers-by would feel terribly uncomfortable.

    So……………………..maybe we should saran-wrap the arms to the fishes’ sides?

  66. I’d say the least we can do, even in this troubled world, is to all agree to rig up some kind of transparent harness to suspend GI Joe arms over our goldfish, so we can start by messing with the heads of our friends, to make them feel as stupid and ignorant as we all wish they were.

    Eventually, we might be able to rewrite science textbooks all over the world, either to add an entry for a carp with useless human-like arms, or an entry for a subspecies of human who thinks doing this kind of thing is funny.

    Think globally, act locally… isn’t that what the whole environmental movement is all about??

  67. I was going to just @ you on Twitter, but I have a hard time with the 140 character limit, so you get it here instead:
    Twitter told me yesterday that “Wolverine” is a trending topic, and instead of connecting it with the X-Men movie that just premiered, I instantly thought of you and your wolverines, which means that in some crazy way, my brain ranks you above Hugh Jackman.

    If Hugh Jackman is on Twitter, you should get him in on the wolverine thing.

    Renate’s last blog post..Everyone wants to think it’s morning sickness, but it’s not

  68. See, I’m still stuck on the fact that your husband didn’t understand. That;s fucked up. At the very least it’s his job to say “Yes, honey” and smile. I don’t want to suggest he’s trained wrong, but maybe you could gently suggest it? When all else fails, “Yes, honey ” and a smile works wonders.

  69. My eyes hurt, my body is dry, I added you to my blog roll and had to write an entry about your site with lots of links. I am not even halfway through reading your site yet. I suspect I will be up all night. This is awesome!

  70. I don’t mind arms on fish. It would be like the fish extras in Spongebob. Except they don’t really have arms, they juts kind of use their fins like arms. But still.

    Elaine at Lipstickdaily’s last blog post..A May Day

  71. If fish had arms…..they could go……..well, FISHING, of course. Oh, and they could play Go Fish too!

  72. God. I wish that I knew how to be silly on this blog with comments, but I just come away shaking my head in awe.

  73. In spite of the adorable ferociousness of the bifurcated koala penis I find the duck penis to be far superior… I mean, it’s a corkscrew! and the girl duck’s vagina corkscrews in the opposite direction!! It’s a way superior system.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: