Easily distracted

So I know the next post was supposed to explain why the hell I was on an aircraft carrier this weekend and it’s coming but I got distracted this morning because my head is on boing boing.  


It came from this website called “Send Me Your Head” and basically artist Karen Schmidt is painting one 3″ X 3″ portrait every day and is asking strangers to send her headshots.  I sent her a fan-girl letter forever ago and I don’t remember if she responded but she must have read it because yesterday she posted this and I was all freaking out this morning and yelling at Victor that my head was on Boing Boing and he’s all “The fuck?  What’s a Boing Boing?” and I’m all “It’s very hard to pretend I’m important when you don’t understand social media” and he’s all “It’s very hard to pretend you’re important when all you do is write about clown porn and dead kittens” and I’m all “Touché.  BUT now I have my own painting” and he’s all “Dude.  The dog has his own painting” and technically that’s true because one time Rachael Rossman painted Barnaby Jones during a fit of insomnia but that doesn’t make it any less awesome.  Then I thought maybe Victor was just jealous because no one ever painted a portrait of him so I tried to draw one for him but his arms looked wrong and he was all “What the hell are you doing?!  Aren’t you supposed to be working?” and I’m all “Yeah, but I’m trying to capture your arm muscles” and he’s all “You mean my guns?” and looks at me all disgusted like,  “You thought you could capture the majesty of Pedro and The Fabulous Tom Collins on a stick figure?”  And yeah, I did.  (Pedro and The Fabulous Tom Collins are the names of his “guns”, by the way.  Pedro is passionate and quick to fight but Tom Collins is even-tempered and manages to control Pedro most of the time.  The whole thing is very complicated.)

PS.  This is Barnaby Jones’ portrait, by the way:


He has tiny arm muscles, but they have names too:  “Pinky-Doo” and “Princess Tabitha”.  That’s the kind of thing that happens when you let your four-year-old name your dog’s guns.

Comment of the day:  I once tried to rename our cat to “Bacon” and our lone chihuahua (at the time) to “Eggs”. Bacon and Eggs, the crime fighting duo! Bacon hated Eggs, though, so it would have never worked out because we know that in order to be Bacon, you MUST LOVE EGGS. There is no more perfect combination of food in the world, except for maybe chicken pot pies and cottage cheese. ~ Chloe

73 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Once again I suffer from wicked Bloggess envy. It’s like penis envy but without the bitter after taste.

    Sher’s last blog post..Hey Brian Dennehy – No Means No!

  2. Nice! Though I’ll bet it was a shock to go to someone else’s site and see your face staring back at you.

    (Am I first? Holy cow!)

    –V’s last blog post..Veggies!

  3. Aw nuts, not first. But hey, second is cool too.

    –V’s last blog post..Veggies!

  4. Love it! So hilarious!!

  5. How does one paint anything on something that’s only 3″ x 3″?

    I’m obviously going to one-up her.

    I’ll get a manicure next week and get your portrait on my middle finger nail (so that when I flip people off they see your face).

    It’s going to be epic.

    Maxie’s last blog post..I Know What I Want

  6. Well, do you know what happens when you give hobo’s dirty mattresses and door knobs. I kind of do.

    Actually? I don’t, because I close my eyes real tight when I walk past the dumpster in the morning. Well except the day the hobo legs were hanging out of it and then I didn’t so much ask if he was okay, I just waited until they started to wiggle again and then walked to my car.

    I should have painted a picture though.

    Betsey Booms’s last blog post..Updated: The Muppet Babies Are Going to Make Me Work Out

  7. Your pug has the same look that mine gets when he realizes that I’ve discovered the puddle he left in the laundry room and he is about to get his ass kicked.

    Mike’s last blog post..A Paradigm Shift in Pop Culture?

  8. So, Victor has pet names for his guns.


    Because most men have a pet name for their, ahem, gun….if you know what I mean. Oh, and I think you do.

  9. So do you think she will sell it on e-bay and you will become an e-bay sensation too? The commercialization of the bloggess…First 3×3 cards, then fingernails, next the world!

    Let me know when you are merchandising pictures of yourself on the head of a knitting needle. I’m game for that.

    melistress’s last blog post..What is up with Strip Clubs Anyway?

  10. My husband’s “guns” have been disarmed for quite some time now. I sure wish he would reload them.

    gorillabuns’s last blog post..guilty

  11. No matter what my mood is, you make me at least grin hysterically.

    I may suffer from VictorEnvy

  12. Send me your head??

    We know females would send a head shot.

    Nutcases would send a real friggin head (human, animal, etc.)

    But what would a pervy man send? Heh, heh, heh …

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Hey! This Doesn’t Taste Like Chicken!

  13. I’m unarmed.

    Whit’s last blog post..The Trouble With Ashes to Ashes

  14. “Guns” are way better than “pipes.” Mine calls his pipes, and it’s annoying because it makes them sound scrawny. They kind of are, but it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point. My guns are kind of over-round at this point, like Super Soakers.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Nothing says “I love you” like a freezer full of meat. This is a post about ice cream.

  15. You look better in person….

  16. “I’m all “It’s very hard to pretend I’m important when you don’t understand social media”

    Best. Line. Eva.

    I am constantly trying to make my sisters understand.

  17. I was sorta hoping we’d see you wearing your blond wig and holding your very own Nimtz gun over your head in this painting. Or you and a clown. That’d be Boing worthy, I think.

    juliejulie’s last blog post..All About Me: in which even my personal trainer tells me I’m self-absorbed

  18. For some reason I picture Pedro as scrawny and Tom Collins as big and beefy… Is he lopsided?

  19. That’s so weird re: ”Pinky-Doo” and “Princess Tabitha”! Those are the EXACT same names I gave my boobs.

    This got weird.

  20. Fab painting of Barnaby Jones. Monty is green with envy.

  21. Awww…….I love the Barnaby Jones’ portrait. What a lovely depiction. I don’t understand the whole guns thing but they’re not allowed in MY house.

    Pop and Ice’s last blog post..I Don’t Like Tuesday

  22. I haven’t heard anyone call their arm muscles ‘guns’ since Anchorman.

    … That said, I’m glad somebody decided to renew the phrase.

    Liv’s last blog post..the daily/weekly/whenever review: flight of the conchords ’09

  23. So where is this magnificent stick figure? THAT I’d love to see. Wait. That sounded snarky. I’d love to see that! Maybe if I added some smilies & winkies, I wouldn’t sound like such a bitch:

    🙂 🙂 😉 😉


    Is there any rational way to plead that I’d like to see your drawing of Victor’s guns? If there is please write it down, and then post the picture! 🙂 😉 😛 (wait. No tongue. sorry.)

    harmzie’s last blog post..Unorganized Thoughts on a Block Party

  24. So, are you going to post your depiction of Victor or what?

    Mommica’s last blog post..Weekend List: Worst things about hauling a bed in a truck

  25. I’m gonna name my left gun Bitchitha so I can use it to slap people that piss me off; and the right gun will be Slutilda so I can… well, let’s just say that I don’t have arthritis…

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Nit-picky

  26. Please tell Victor that Tom collins is the transvestite-crossing-dressing-Angel-loving-gay-dude from Rent. That’s awesome. Victors arm loves tranny’s!

    Creepy Mommy’s last blog post..playing ketchup

  27. Could your four-year-old please name my guns? I think she’s already more creative than I could ever hope to be.

    shine’s last blog post..Please Re-enter Your Password

  28. Next you just need to get your head painted on a single grain of rice.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Moral: If you dedicate a blog to your boobs, men will tell you you’re hot!

  29. I feel like you’re trying to hypnotize me.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Parenting or What I’m Awesome At

  30. Does Victor find you the least bit funny? Is he funny? Am I getting too personal here?

    Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)’s last blog post..Do You Know the Muffin Man? Well, Apparently He Lives at My House. And He Makes Muffins That Strangely Resemble the Sorting Hat. Yum!

  31. Victor is way funnier than me. That’s why he’s so hard to impress. That’s also why I don’t take him to blogging events. No one wants to talk to me when he’s there.

  32. I was just coming over to tell you that your head was on Boing Boing. But I guess I don’t need to.

    So awesome!

    (My halloween cupcakes were on Boing Boing once. It was the best day of my life. Oh, except for the day my daughter was born. That was a good day too.)

  33. OMG, how can I get this Schmidt to make a portrait of my mother-in-law/devil hybrid picture that I photoshopped?

    Devil’s Daughter-in-Law’s last blog post..The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Psycho Tree

  34. Dude.

    You have a painting of yourself.

    Jealous now.

    Oh, and? My guns? “Flabby” and “Damn that bitch waves in the breeze!”

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Open Letter 10

  35. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to refer to your testicles as “guns?”

    Melissa’s last blog post..Got No Class, Got No Clue

  36. what would be really kick ass is if you could have your image burned onto a piece of toast.

    i think i’ve just discovered my latest “things to do when i’m drunk” project.

    ’cause if i lay down too early i get the room spins…and i have to occupy my brain so that it doesn’t realize i’m drunk.


    andy’s last blog post..jumbly and thoughtful shit in my head…don’t read if you’re looking for a post on how i’ve eaten a bag of licorice to stave off anxiety

  37. I once tried to rename our cat to “Bacon” and our lone chihuahua (at the time) to “Eggs”. Bacon and Eggs, the crime fighting duo! Bacon hated Eggs, though, so it would have never worked out because we know that in order to be Bacon, you MUST LOVE EGGS. There is no more perfect combination of food in the world, except for maybe chicken pot pies and cottage cheese.

    I want to smoosh Barnaby Jones’ face.

    Chloe’s last blog post..I Love This Stuff.

  38. Can you get your hands on that hot piece of art?

  39. Heh. I saw the BoingBoing post yesterday and thought, “Gee, that really looks like TheBloggess.” Then I looked at the comments and saw that you’d already squeed all over the place.

    Barnaby Jones’ portrait is awesome too.

    Cobwebs’s last blog post..Unique Stockings

  40. “Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to refer to your testicles as “guns?””

    Actually, they are more like “clips” or “magazines”.

  41. Okay okay okay– I call “Pinky and the Brain”.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..I think I’ve broken my kid

  42. You should totally have this work of art printed, framed and hung right inside your front door for all visitors to see. I’m sure your family and friends will appreciate it. If anyone is offended or horrified by it, you don’t want them as friends anyway because they would only be jealous bitches!!

    Is it crazy that when I was the first comment on your blog yesterday, that it kind of made my freaking day?! Maybe I should ask this on your advice column.

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..The TV wants us all to die.

  43. Damn. Now I want my head painted and all of my cats painted. Thanks a lot.

    Jules’s last blog post..Today was THE Day

  44. There’s nothing like waking up to discover your face on Boing Boing to start the day off right! Your head is one of my faves–those curlers rock my world! I think I’m going to be The Bloggess for Halloween 2009…

    Anne @ The City Sage’s last blog post..Project: Skirt Rehab

  45. I think my husbands guns have mutinied to greener, less twiggy pastures. I think, tho, had I named them, I would have chosen “Dumb” and “Dumber.”

    Because I’m hiiiigh.

    Becky’s last blog post..I Fought The Man-O-War And The Man-O-War Won

  46. Geez. I mean, you go on this wicked vacation surrounded by army dudes, and we don’t get any scandalous stories of your exploits?

    Miss Rosa’s last blog post..Why I Don’t Like Pussy

  47. You sorta look like Odo from DS9 or rather Odo morphing into a replica of you or maybe you ARE Odo which would explain much and nothing at the same time.

    annie’s last blog post..15 Books – In no particular order

  48. wow. this is nice. i bet if you and barnaby had a painting baby it would be the virgin of guadalupe. so thats cool.

  49. My oh my you’re funny.

    My guns don’t have names – they are of the weakling category which is unfortunate. Infact that they look slightly like your pugs.

  50. Hilarious and highly enjoyable! Yay for you!

    Shawna’s last blog post..# 69 Across: LIST

  51. Cloe! I was thinking that naming your animals “Bacon” and “Eggs” was on the slightly up side of just plain weird – but then I read “chicken pot pies and cottage cheese” and I totally hope you get Comment of the Day for that because chicken pot pies and cottage cheese IS the most perfect combination of food in the whole world. Is.

  52. That is definitely the coolest thing I have seen today! Granted, the only place I went today was the gym, but I definitely didn’t see anything cooler than this there.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Trading snow shovels for sunscreen

  53. I hope you know you have the most awesome readers E V E R! So many of the comments are hilarious!

    How in the world do you pick a ‘comment of the day’? Seriously. I don’t think I would ever be able to choose.

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..A trip to the doctor’s office is like getting into a biohazard bucket!

  54. 54

    I’m totally picturing Victor in the background as you sit at your computer. He’s giving everyone a gun show, and Barnaby Jones is sitting on the floor looking at Victor in puzzlement and wondering why he’s doing that weird dance.
    Also, I really really really want to see your Victor sketch now. Really.

  55. Hahahaha! I jsut found your blog and I love it! I jsut bookmarked you so I’ll be visiting often. BWT-I am jealous as all get out that you get your own painting!

    Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts’s last blog post..Lord Help Me!

  56. Okay, so I am an avid reader of your sites ~ and love your humor. I know that you suffer from arthritis pain…and wanted to suggest something to you that I have heard helps (I take it and have lived so no worries)…


    I do not work for this company or get any kicks out of referring you other then for you to sing my praises on your blog should it work for you!

  57. I’ve always been afraid to have a caricature portrait done because I’ve noticed that in a caricature portrait, they tend to…exaggerate your most prominent features, and my real-life nose is already caricature-sized, so I’m afraid my portrait nose would be dangerous due to the fact that it could actually poke you in the eye while you’re looking at the portrait, and I’m just not insured well enough to deal with that kind of liability. At least not yet, although if I were to die from tripping over my nose in real life, then the life insurance should be enough to cover any suits against me. In which case, I’m adding to my will, “Upon my death, please have a caricaturist do my portrait before I start rotting.” That’s the only way to protect my estate AND fulfill a life-long caricature portrait dream.

    Cat’s last blog post..Wondering How To Apply This To A Bad Hair Day

  58. If your head is on Boing Boing that means that you’ve given head all over the world.

    There is something so wrong about this, it’s right.

    Your head is even on the aircraft carrier:
    that is most reassuring, national security wise.

  59. I need clarification on the name of Victor’s Guns. Is the Fabulous Tom Collins named after the drink or the gay philosophy professor from the show Rent?

    William’s last blog post..Memory Lane

  60. My 7 year-old son titled the painting of Barnaby Jones, “The Merciful Pug.” I don’t know why. He likes to use big words.

  61. Love the in depth characterization of Pedro and The Fabulous Tom Collins. I see one arm constantly dancing around yelling, “Hey muchachos! Your mother looks like an autobus! Wanna dance!”, and the other arm hanging casually at the side, sipping a refreshing beverage and saying, “Easy my friend. Love tastes better than war.” (or something much smoother) in a suave, charming tone.

    HA Guy’s last blog post..How To Not Exhibit Good Personal Hygiene

  62. I checked out your site from the blogger awards and liked it. I voted for you. I hope you win.

    Please check out my site nominated for the best blog design. http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/73022. I hope you will vote for me also. Thanks!

    Emilie’s last blog post..Peek a boo. I see YOU!

  63. Testicales are called coin purses. I saw it on The Family Guy so it has to have a certain element of truth to it.

    The only part of my body I have names is my belly button…but that was when I was two. The rest of it is best to remain nameless.

  64. I swear I was born in this country and just write like I am from some foreign land.

  65. yah. i’m gonna need for you to ‘splain your stint in prison. on a boat. surrounded by… semen… er… seamen.

    SUPAHMAMA!’s last blog post..no rest for the wicked…

  66. You have a sweet head. And I’m not only saying that because I have a thing for curlers.

    Jozet at Halushki’s last blog post..Are You A Mean Mommy?

  67. ROFL!
    That’s hilarious! And I like the head shot painting 🙂

    Sarcastica’s last blog post..Everything’s Just WONDERFUL

  68. Blogess,
    Nobody has painted a portrait of my head, so you are WAY more important than moi!!!!

    By the by, do you and your husband just roll around on the floor and laugh all the time? ‘Cause I never heard of anyone who named their “guns” before… I think you guys are hilarious! My guns? “Puny” and “Flabby.”

    Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Tween conversations

  69. Ok, I know people name their body parts, but my question is: how do they remember them all? The names, not the body parts. Because if he has names for his “guns” I’m assuming he has a name for his ehm… stuff and probably one for his pecks and stuff. Seriously, me, I barely remember my own name and the name of my children some says, I definitely woulnd’t be able to remember the names of my breasts. If they had names, which they don’t. Not as far as I can remember, at least. But then again, read the above so who knows.

    Elisa’s last blog post..The one where my husband bribes me

  70. 70
    Katie Kat

    I dunno… that painting looks a little creepy. Like a paper maiche head… or a pinata. But I don’t really think it would be appropriate to take a whack at your pinata head with a stick, cuz that’s just WRONG. Unless you filled it with actual BRAINS… that would ROCK!

  71. Hey, now that you are on Twitter, how about a Tweetmeme button? We may be able to crash your server.


    Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..When Did You Join Twitter?

  72. […] all started when Jenny the Bloggess (whose head has been featured on BoingBoing and who routinely makes me shoot coffee out my nose anyway ["I'm going to read the Bloggess. […]

  73. […] mentioned The Bloggess in a post once and I started reading that too. The Bloggess has a dog named Barnaby Jones, who I painted […]

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