I’m not dead but I was technically in prison so I have a good reason for not posting

I’m alive.  Got back from my Navy trip yesterday and I’m still exhausted and trying to sober up but I figured you guys would be worried if you didn’t hear from me so here’s a quick taste of what happened:

I  got on a plane with Guy Kawasaki, Dennis Hall,  Charlene LiBeth BlechermanJen Leo,  Pamela SlimAndrew NystromJennifer Van GroveJennifer Jones,  Bill ReichertJefferson WagnerRobert Scoble, Andy Sernovitz and Neptunus Lex and we  landed quite violently on the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean but I was kind of too high to remember most of it except that we were in some sort of mail plane I think, and it looked like the inside of Han Solo’s ship except with less wookies:

xanax-is-not-enough

Then I commandeered a gun and then they tried to take it back and I explained that I’d feel safer holding on to it just in case Tommy Lee Jones comes on board and I can’t find the chef…

unibomber-look

…and they gave me a weird look because I guess not everyone in the Navy has seen Under Siege, which seemed suspect to me and I joked that they were probably all actually Russian Communists but then they gave me an even weirder look which just confirmed my suspicions but then later when I was in the brig I realized that I was accidentally combining Under Siege and The Hunt for Red October into one movie, which actually would probably be a kick-ass movie.  I’d call it The Hunt for the Siege of Red October, part II:  Sharkey’s Revenge.  That way people would think it must be awesome because why else would they make a sequel?

I had a lot of time to think about it.

Actually, not the worst jail I've been in.

PS.  Real post about all of this coming.

PPS.  I adored the people on that ship so much it shocked me and can never thank them enough for letting come join their family for the weekend.  Also, if whichever one of those Koreas is being a bastard hurts them in any way I will lose. my. shit.  Seriously, Korea.  Stop being an asshole.

PPPS.  I just posted probably my best advice ever on my advice column.  Long story short in case you think you’re too good to read the whole thing:  Stop fucking bears.

Comment of the day: Why is Goose written on your hand? Is that because you’re hoping Tom Cruise will come and save you from the brig? Don’t you know that Goose dies in the end? I’m just saying. ~ Becky Mochaface

103 thoughts on “I’m not dead but I was technically in prison so I have a good reason for not posting

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You know, that North Korea is just becoming a real problem. Someone should do something about that.

    But don’t put them in bed w/ South Korea b/c they make TVs and have lots of cell phones and stuff. And didn’t they have the olympics? (btw, I tried to spell it olympix but the computer told me no. but really, shouldn’t it have an “x” at the end?)

    @ElizabethPW’s last blog post..So Apparently Elizabeth is a Rock Star (video)

  2. You are a fucking champ.

    We have a new blog coming that will melt your brain. It is done in trud Ninja Eagle sytle.

    Keep it real Mrs. Bloggy.

    The Guys’s last blog post..Web Celeb

  3. Did you come back with a lesbian prison girlfriend? I can’t wait for the bigger post. We knew you would make it back…we just didn’t know if the rest of your crew mates would.

    melistress’s last blog post..Lock, Sock, and Barrel

  4. Dear Bloggess: so just how do you actually GET invited to an bird cage (Navy speak for an aircraft carrier)?? cause.. I think I could finally get laid if I were surrounded by 5000+ horny dudes..

    comictragedy’s last blog post..What’s Up Wid Dat??

  5. Hi 😉
    You look totally bad-ass in the picture with the gun. Loved the Blog. Can’t wait for the e-true-Bloggess-story to come!
    🙂
    PS If you don’t read the blog, but just look at the pictures, it looks like you invaded the aircraft carrier with a gun, then got caught & brigged. xD
    Love from Canada
    xoxoxoxo

  6. I’m scared of you in the hoodie with the unnecessarily large firearm. You’re like a cross between the Uni-bomber and something else scary… like an over zealous Green Peace chick who secretly stowed away on the air craft carrier to violently protest its use of large amounts of oil.

    Smarty Pants’s last blog post..Do I really Have to Say It??

  7. Actually, I’m not entirely sure why I was on the aircraft carrier. I assume for comic relief. The head military PR guy said they bring people on a lot since technically we own the Navy since we pay for it with our taxes but then when I gave them addresses of people I wanted bombed they totally didn’t do it. I think I’m on a wait-list.

  8. I’m glad you’re back! I was so Jonesing. Not like that’s your problem, but it’s totally your fault. You and that chick on Twitter that told me to check you out, but didn’t warn me in time that The Bloggess is addictive (she DID warn me, just not in time). I subsisted on replays of all of Chris Farley’s art from SNL. I know, right?! I got so lucky to find that on the television, it could have been much worse. But still. Anyway. And I was totally thinking, “Hm… chef… isn’t that the Hunt for Red October?”… No really, I WAS thinking that!

    Jeff’s last blog post..Top 10 Grant Writer FAILS

  9. Your sweater kind of looks like the ones we give to the female inmates here…good imitation.

    Although you don’t look near mean enough to be a criminal. Or is that the xanax making you look all peaceful?

    Not that it matters but I’ll tell you what the jail psychologist always tells me: “don’t fall for ’em”.

    But I’m not sure whether to believe him or not, ’cause he’s also my psychologist…so is he helping me? Or just trying to hold me back?

    andy

    p.s. The gun looks kick ass. We don’t have them here at the jail. Just pepper spray. But they keep me away from that.

    andy’s last blog post..porn is not a child appropriate distraction for your kids when you’re drinking

  10. So if Steven Seagal wasn’t there to rescue you from Tommy Lee Jones, does that mean a topless Erika Eleniak didn’t jump out of a big cake? Because if you’re claiming that to be true I’ll have a hard time believing you were actually on a navy vessel.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..It had to happen sooner or later

  11. Pic of you behind bars should TOTALLY be your new avatar. Just sayin’.

    You look dead sexy, and I’m not usually into chicks. Could be the gun.

    Glad your back safe and sounds and the navy guys didn’t lock you in the brig FOREVER just to keep you there for comic relief.

    Jelly’s last blog post..One little thing – From awful to awesome

  12. That sucks about the wookies. I probably would have complained about that or at least wrote something nasty on a comment card. Did they have those? They should, because comments can be pleasing. Not the one I would have written for them having no wookies in a wookie-friendly setting, but I’m sure other people would say nice things.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..Being Jew-ish is awesome

  13. is that standard navy naughty wear, did you knit that hoodie before they let you out? or maybe it’s just martha who knits before she gets out of the brig. do they even let you have knitting needles on boats these days? or in the brig on boats? there’s just so much i don’t know.

    pamela’s last blog post..certain tragedy often causes us to fight.

  14. Why is Goose written on your hand? Is that because you’re hoping Tom Cruise will come and save you from the brig? Don’t you know that Goose dies in the end? IJS

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Moved

  15. Is it true you told them you were the newly appointed Secretary of the Navy but you can’t spell worth a fuck and so you need to have a seamen with a copy of Websters’ follow you everywhere or else you’re going to eliminate all shore leave until 2015??

    I’m sure Victor understands.

    I bet they asked you to change the engine oil while you were there. Nuclear asshole jokesters are the worst.
    You should have dressed as The Indian Chief and shouted ‘Y-M-C-A!” when you felt like it.
    They can’t get enough of that shit.

  16. Ahhhh, getting drunk is actually very safe for a woman on a Navy ship…they have Marines for all of that other stuff that goes on. Glad you had a good time and made it home alive but it would’ve been TOTALLY kick ass if they’d gotten called off on some secret mission shit while you were there. “No, we’re sorry Bloggess…we don’t have time to take you home first. Suck it up and drive on, soldier!” Yeah…bad ASS!

    Byron’s last blog post..Driving

  17. The gun photo: very Sarah Palin-ish of you. She should have definitely worn a hooded sweatshirt like you did.

    And, did you do a little strip tease in that cage? Oh wait, they’re jail cell bars. So easily confusing to me.

    carpeviam’s last blog post..Who is carpeviam?

  18. You referenced wookies, Sean Connery AND Stephen Segal and it all made sense to me. I could not love you more.

  19. I was watching the VH-1 show The Fabulous Life of Celebrities and the Wierd Ass Crap They Spend Their Money On which had a segment on this plastic surgeon who specializes in creating Designer Vaginas and Vagiplasty. Seriously. Anyway…for some reason I thought of your blog at that moment. I know this has nothing to do with your current post … but there it is.

  20. erm – the bit about the cats controlling your mind? That’s a sign of needing MORE drugs, not less, eh? Who knew? I would actually prefer to let cats run my life for me, (they’re quite gracious despots), only I don’t have a cat at the moment. I don’t like Xanax’y things, but i do like drugs, this is all good news.

    Excuse me, I need to go make up some hash cookies – i found myself thinking that cats were Supreme Beings again.

    Sheila’s last blog post..Culling is too good for them…

  21. I hope you were careful around the poop deck. I heard it gets mighty slippery.

  22. I’d be happy to see you but I’m so green with envy. Oh wait, I’m always green. Okay, so I’m greener. 😛
    PS. IDK what’s up with the f-ing bears, but that’s definitely a WTF. o_O

  23. Who here did not know Under Siege? Gary Busey in drag … Erika “Playboy Bunny” E-Something shooting a machine pistol … you must not have asked me.

  24. What kind of Navy people haven’t seen Under Seige? Isn’t that like day two at Navy Boot Camp?

  25. hA….You always make me laugh. I would have needed a “Xan Fairy” to come visit me first too! And to echo previous statements…The gun totally makes you hotter 🙂 Glad u had a good time and they let you go…and not overboard.

  26. For anyone who has been reading you for more than a week, you probably don’t need to add “true story” to anything. We pretty much get that if it’s really outrageous, you probably did it. That’s what we love about you. That, and the advice. Because, really, I was just on my way out the door to get it on with a bear. You saved my life.

    Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)’s last blog post..Do You Know the Muffin Man? Well, Apparently He Lives at My House. And He Makes Muffins That Strangely Resemble the Sorting Hat. Yum!

  27. Damn Jenny, you make me wanna make hott, gay love to you in the jail cell. Now that’s the kind of seige I could get under.

    Cat’s last blog post..Fuck Cancer

  28. So let me get this straight? For some reason you were on a Navy ship – I have no idea why, I’ve tried to figure it out and it has something to do with computers and writing because Guy Kawasaki was there. Now you’re a vagina-writing, advice column writing, gun toting, in the brig, military “bring it on” “mission accomplished” writing girl?

    I’m so confused. I know I’m a little slow, but this is a lot of worlds colliding here all at once. And you’re wearing a helmet at some point. That just makes me more confused. Are you sure you didn’t just take a few days off and set this all up in your backyard for kicks?

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Pop Psychology

  29. I rode in a military tank once in Galveston. It was supposed to be “family day” so I guess someone thought it would be fun to make everyone throw up. I had only eaten a bunch of skittles so mine was BY FAR the best looking puke there. Sometimes you just get lucky that way.

    BTW I tried to email you at your sex column, but I may have screwed it all up and sent it to the administrator. So maybe you want to tell them that if they see an email about starting a cult it should go to you. But probably they’d know that already.

  30. Ohhh … it said “goose.” I was trying to figure it out and thought maybe it was some toughish German thing, like maybe there were Nazi geese in that Tom Cruise movie that I didn’t see, which kind of made sense. Geese are cold and cruel, with penetrating gazes. And then I realized I’d never seen Under Seige or The Hunt for Red October either, so I didn’t know what goose meant. I just thought you’d gotten geese and bears confused. GOOSE. Oh, okay.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Nothing says “I love you” like a freezer full of meat. This is a post about ice cream.

  31. Do I need to start fucking bears before I stop? Thank you for the clarification.

    I’ll hang up and take my answer off the air.

  32. Dear Bloggess,
    I am so embarrassed by how much I love your blog. I’m even more embarrassed that I really get your humor. Noone in my real life would, I’m sure. I’m afraid if I tell people about your blog, well, I just don’t want the looks…..
    ICAI –

  33. And I quote Neptunus Lex, “Jenny Lawson was lovely and very clever, but rather unlike the persona projected on her page – or maybe you’ve just got to know her better.” Hmmmm. Must have been the xanax. 😉

    peedee’s last blog post..Goodbye Gingie

  34. It was a pleasure meeting you on NIMITZ it isn’t every day that I get to meet cool chicks, they are few and far between in the Navy, dare I say it, but there are to many dudes. You get a little tired of their jokes after awhile. Thanks for letting me join you at lunch.

  35. Ok, so this is totally late because I totally procrastinate EVERYTHING. But I’m pretty sure I saw you at IAH on May 28 (I think? Thursday?). I guess this post answers the question of where you were headed. I was going to run up to you and shout a bunch of “OMG”s at you, but decided against it for a number of reasons. 1. You would probably think I was a crazy stalker. Well, maybe not crazy, but more of a lazy stalker, seeing as how I love your blog but haven’t been here in MONTHS. (Yes, that’s right, I’m even too lazy to surf the internet. Sheesh.) 2. You had that look on your face that all people have in airports. The kind of look that says, “Please don’t talk to me strangers, until I’ve at least had some booze.” and 3. I was also in the airport. Travelling. WITH A TODDLER. Nuff said.

    Of course, I also mentioned to my friend that I was lacking creativity as far as what to say, but then she mentioned I should have said something so bizarre it would have ended up on your blog. Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? Of course, it probably wasn’t you after all and then I would have just yelled something about bigfoot at some poor stranger. Then I’m pretty sure TSA would have gotten involved because Bigfoot is probably code for something, and, anyways, it would have been a big mess. But glad you had a great flight!

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  37. I don’t know if you’ve heard but Neptunus Lex has passed away. I tell you this because as a reader I first came here from a link on his blog.

  38. Re: goose
    My first thought was of the pic you posted of Joaquin Phoenix with ‘bye’ and ‘ good’ scrawled on his knuckles.

    Good for you that even terrified and on Xanax you still managed to
    a. spell goose correctly
    b. have it written the right way up and;
    c. make a relevant movie reference (even if Goose died in the end and you didn’t)

    We are all in awe of you.

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