I’m alive. Got back from my Navy trip yesterday and I’m still exhausted and trying to sober up but I figured you guys would be worried if you didn’t hear from me so here’s a quick taste of what happened:
I got on a plane with Guy Kawasaki, Dennis Hall, Charlene Li, Beth Blecherman, Jen Leo, Pamela Slim, Andrew Nystrom, Jennifer Van Grove, Jennifer Jones, Bill Reichert, Jefferson Wagner, Robert Scoble, Andy Sernovitz and Neptunus Lex and we landed quite violently on the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean but I was kind of too high to remember most of it except that we were in some sort of mail plane I think, and it looked like the inside of Han Solo’s ship except with less wookies:
Then I commandeered a gun and then they tried to take it back and I explained that I’d feel safer holding on to it just in case Tommy Lee Jones comes on board and I can’t find the chef…
…and they gave me a weird look because I guess not everyone in the Navy has seen Under Siege, which seemed suspect to me and I joked that they were probably all actually Russian Communists but then they gave me an even weirder look which just confirmed my suspicions but then later when I was in the brig I realized that I was accidentally combining Under Siege and The Hunt for Red October into one movie, which actually would probably be a kick-ass movie. I’d call it The Hunt for the Siege of Red October, part II: Sharkey’s Revenge. That way people would think it must be awesome because why else would they make a sequel?
I had a lot of time to think about it.
PS. Real post about all of this coming.
PPS. I adored the people on that ship so much it shocked me and can never thank them enough for letting come join their family for the weekend. Also, if whichever one of those Koreas is being a bastard hurts them in any way I will lose. my. shit. Seriously, Korea. Stop being an asshole.
PPPS. I just posted probably my best advice ever on my advice column. Long story short in case you think you’re too good to read the whole thing: Stop fucking bears.
Comment of the day: Why is Goose written on your hand? Is that because you’re hoping Tom Cruise will come and save you from the brig? Don’t you know that Goose dies in the end? I’m just saying. ~ Becky Mochaface
103 thoughts on “I’m not dead but I was technically in prison so I have a good reason for not posting”
Read comments below or add one.
THE BLOGGESS IS ALIVE!!!!!!
Let the people rejoice!
LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..The TV wants us all to die.
hope the navy appropriately embraced WOLVERINES.
Deidre’s last blog post..A little bit of this…and just a wee bit of that.
They totally did.
Nice, what were you doing on the aircraft carrier? That sounds like fun…:~)
Jim Gaudet’s last blog post..YouTube Ninjas
You know, that North Korea is just becoming a real problem. Someone should do something about that.
But don’t put them in bed w/ South Korea b/c they make TVs and have lots of cell phones and stuff. And didn’t they have the olympics? (btw, I tried to spell it olympix but the computer told me no. but really, shouldn’t it have an “x” at the end?)
@ElizabethPW’s last blog post..So Apparently Elizabeth is a Rock Star (video)
so glad you’re back! you crack my shit UP!
risa’s last blog post..The Indyish Fringe Mess will be Super Spectacular with Hexes and Ohs + Hank and Lily + Courtney Wing and Liederwolfe + MORE!
You are a fucking champ.
We have a new blog coming that will melt your brain. It is done in trud Ninja Eagle sytle.
Keep it real Mrs. Bloggy.
The Guys’s last blog post..Web Celeb
Dude. That first picture? Bad. Ass.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Irritable Vowels
Did you come back with a lesbian prison girlfriend? I can’t wait for the bigger post. We knew you would make it back…we just didn’t know if the rest of your crew mates would.
melistress’s last blog post..Lock, Sock, and Barrel
Oh, baby, you totally rock the aviatrix look. Especially on Xanax.
“Also, if whichever one of those Koreas is being a bastard hurts them in any way I will lose. my. shit. Seriously, Korea. Stop being an asshole.”
Should we nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize and start calling you Ghandi? I think so! I can’t believe no one tried this tactic with Germany in WWII.
shine’s last blog post..Yes, that was a 23-year-old boy who came out of the ladies’ room. Yes, I did make out with him.
Dear Bloggess: so just how do you actually GET invited to an bird cage (Navy speak for an aircraft carrier)?? cause.. I think I could finally get laid if I were surrounded by 5000+ horny dudes..
comictragedy’s last blog post..What’s Up Wid Dat??
You look totally bad-ass in the picture with the gun. Loved the Blog. Can’t wait for the e-true-Bloggess-story to come!
PS If you don’t read the blog, but just look at the pictures, it looks like you invaded the aircraft carrier with a gun, then got caught & brigged. xD
Love from Canada
That picture of you in the goggles and helmet is absolutely priceless! Great shot!
groovehouse’s last blog post..Skate Pics For The Week Ending June 31st
I’m scared of you in the hoodie with the unnecessarily large firearm. You’re like a cross between the Uni-bomber and something else scary… like an over zealous Green Peace chick who secretly stowed away on the air craft carrier to violently protest its use of large amounts of oil.
Smarty Pants’s last blog post..Do I really Have to Say It??
Actually, I’m not entirely sure why I was on the aircraft carrier. I assume for comic relief. The head military PR guy said they bring people on a lot since technically we own the Navy since we pay for it with our taxes but then when I gave them addresses of people I wanted bombed they totally didn’t do it. I think I’m on a wait-list.
Ok, now I’m confused. i thought “wolverines” was from Red Dawn? With the Swayze and all?
Lula’s last blog post..EPIC FAIL
As long as The Hunt for the Siege of Red October, part II: Sharkey’s Revenge has Sean Connery reprising his role as lithuanian russian guy with a scottish accent I’ll pre-order it on Amazon right now.
Dani’s last blog post..Maybe we can compile them into a sweet mix-tape…
Thank God you’re alive. And you look HOT behind bars. Just sayin’…
Amazing Greis’s last blog post..16 things…
Yay! She’s aliiiiiive!
Miss Rosa’s last blog post..Parallel Universe
Yaknow, I’ve only been reading your site for a couple weeks and I’ve already learned to expect nothing but the craziest shit from you. Congratulations.
Mike’s last blog post..A Paradigm Shift in Pop Culture?
I’m glad you’re back! I was so Jonesing. Not like that’s your problem, but it’s totally your fault. You and that chick on Twitter that told me to check you out, but didn’t warn me in time that The Bloggess is addictive (she DID warn me, just not in time). I subsisted on replays of all of Chris Farley’s art from SNL. I know, right?! I got so lucky to find that on the television, it could have been much worse. But still. Anyway. And I was totally thinking, “Hm… chef… isn’t that the Hunt for Red October?”… No really, I WAS thinking that!
Jeff’s last blog post..Top 10 Grant Writer FAILS
Your sweater kind of looks like the ones we give to the female inmates here…good imitation.
Although you don’t look near mean enough to be a criminal. Or is that the xanax making you look all peaceful?
Not that it matters but I’ll tell you what the jail psychologist always tells me: “don’t fall for ’em”.
But I’m not sure whether to believe him or not, ’cause he’s also my psychologist…so is he helping me? Or just trying to hold me back?
p.s. The gun looks kick ass. We don’t have them here at the jail. Just pepper spray. But they keep me away from that.
andy’s last blog post..porn is not a child appropriate distraction for your kids when you’re drinking
So if Steven Seagal wasn’t there to rescue you from Tommy Lee Jones, does that mean a topless Erika Eleniak didn’t jump out of a big cake? Because if you’re claiming that to be true I’ll have a hard time believing you were actually on a navy vessel.
Fuiru’s last blog post..It had to happen sooner or later
So … were there a lot of semen on the ship??
Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Hey! This Doesn’t Taste Like Chicken!
Have any Xanax left over? Just asking . . . .
M’s last blog post..Anniversary
Pic of you behind bars should TOTALLY be your new avatar. Just sayin’.
You look dead sexy, and I’m not usually into chicks. Could be the gun.
Glad your back safe and sounds and the navy guys didn’t lock you in the brig FOREVER just to keep you there for comic relief.
Jelly’s last blog post..One little thing – From awful to awesome
Love the Gwen Stefani look in the last pic, you are the coolest, er, goose?
P.S. What happened to Steve Wussniak?
Mr Farty’s last blog post..Outrage Over Charlatanry Claims
That sucks about the wookies. I probably would have complained about that or at least wrote something nasty on a comment card. Did they have those? They should, because comments can be pleasing. Not the one I would have written for them having no wookies in a wookie-friendly setting, but I’m sure other people would say nice things.
MayoPie’s last blog post..Being Jew-ish is awesome
That’s not really fair.
Maxie’s last blog post..we’re not 21, but the sooner we are the sooner the fun…
is that standard navy naughty wear, did you knit that hoodie before they let you out? or maybe it’s just martha who knits before she gets out of the brig. do they even let you have knitting needles on boats these days? or in the brig on boats? there’s just so much i don’t know.
pamela’s last blog post..certain tragedy often causes us to fight.
“trying to sober up”
Why? Why would you EVER do such a thing???
LiLu’s last blog post..Fang Banger
Why is Goose written on your hand? Is that because you’re hoping Tom Cruise will come and save you from the brig? Don’t you know that Goose dies in the end? IJS
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Moved
I’m looking at the pictures and reading the story and I’m like I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER ANYMORE.
But, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore, I love you even more. I just am like LANDING ON A BOAT WITH HEADPHONES? WHO? WHAT? THEFUCK?
Y’s last blog post..I was embarrassed to post this, but then I thought "It is what it is and I am who I am."
Is it true you told them you were the newly appointed Secretary of the Navy but you can’t spell worth a fuck and so you need to have a seamen with a copy of Websters’ follow you everywhere or else you’re going to eliminate all shore leave until 2015??
I’m sure Victor understands.
I bet they asked you to change the engine oil while you were there. Nuclear asshole jokesters are the worst.
You should have dressed as The Indian Chief and shouted ‘Y-M-C-A!” when you felt like it.
They can’t get enough of that shit.
Ahhhh, getting drunk is actually very safe for a woman on a Navy ship…they have Marines for all of that other stuff that goes on. Glad you had a good time and made it home alive but it would’ve been TOTALLY kick ass if they’d gotten called off on some secret mission shit while you were there. “No, we’re sorry Bloggess…we don’t have time to take you home first. Suck it up and drive on, soldier!” Yeah…bad ASS!
Byron’s last blog post..Driving
i only just found you, so don’t die yet 😛
was sure you were arrested. awesome!
leel’s last blog post..freaky friday
Oh shit, prison? I can’t wait to hear this one….. when you sober up and get some rest. Although, it would be funnier if you told it while you were still exhausted/drunk/high whatever. And Korea needs to chill.
Jessica’s last blog post..Trading snow shovels for sunscreen
The gun photo: very Sarah Palin-ish of you. She should have definitely worn a hooded sweatshirt like you did.
And, did you do a little strip tease in that cage? Oh wait, they’re jail cell bars. So easily confusing to me.
carpeviam’s last blog post..Who is carpeviam?
You actually don’t look high at all. And North Korea needs to chill the f*ck out. For real. Glad you had fun and are home safe!
Jules’s last blog post..Next Time I’ll Listen to Dingo and Just Eat Cheese
You’re in the Brig because you touched something didn’t you?
You referenced wookies, Sean Connery AND Stephen Segal and it all made sense to me. I could not love you more.
You totally rocked that brig. The guys all want that cell now…
Beth i.e. ” Inflatable Navy Suit gal”’s last blog post..USS Nimitz Blogger Adventure – Night Before Dinner
I was watching the VH-1 show The Fabulous Life of Celebrities and the Wierd Ass Crap They Spend Their Money On which had a segment on this plastic surgeon who specializes in creating Designer Vaginas and Vagiplasty. Seriously. Anyway…for some reason I thought of your blog at that moment. I know this has nothing to do with your current post … but there it is.
You should use that second picture as your new title bar.
Steve’s last blog post..ruok
erm – the bit about the cats controlling your mind? That’s a sign of needing MORE drugs, not less, eh? Who knew? I would actually prefer to let cats run my life for me, (they’re quite gracious despots), only I don’t have a cat at the moment. I don’t like Xanax’y things, but i do like drugs, this is all good news.
Excuse me, I need to go make up some hash cookies – i found myself thinking that cats were Supreme Beings again.
Sheila’s last blog post..Culling is too good for them…
This is gonna be awesome for like WEEKS.
Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..June Greeblemix
I know! Effin’ Korea, right? Their long-range shit is being pointed at Alaska – where I live – AS WE SPEAK.
Mommica’s last blog post..Weekend List: Worst things about hauling a bed in a truck
But if I stop fucking bears I’ll have nothing to do on Friday nights. This is so unfair.
blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..So, I may have overreacted just a teensy bit.
“I don’t date musicians, and I don’t kill people.” or something like that.
opera betty’s last blog post..La Traviata, round one
Do air craft carriers play Highway to the danger zone on their speakers 24/7?
William’s last blog post..Cooking with Poop and Boogies
Neptunus Lex?!? Is that the coolest name, or what?
I hope you were careful around the poop deck. I heard it gets mighty slippery.
You look good in stripes… and hey, can you have your navy come and put my hubby on KP cause he’s ex-navy and totally slacking. Thanks
Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..A Mousican Stand-off
You don’t want Tom Cruise around you as Maverick or as a Nazi. That man’s nutty.
You might enjoy this song on that topic.
followthatdog’s last blog post..It’s just a song, no need for deep analysis
I’d be happy to see you but I’m so green with envy. Oh wait, I’m always green. Okay, so I’m greener. 😛
PS. IDK what’s up with the f-ing bears, but that’s definitely a WTF. o_O
I’m not sure which I’m more jealous of: the fact that you look sexy in the flying gear or the fact that you actually look sexy in a gray hoodie.
MonsteRawr’s last blog post..9 Awesome Things I Did While Our Internet Was Down
I’m so jealous. And how could they not get a reference to Under Siege and Hunt for Red October combined? I’m married to a Navy guy. Trust me, they’ve all seen each of those movies at least 50 times. (-;
Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..Go Beyond Tribute for Veterans
Um, isn’t “Wolverines” from Red Dawn? And aren’t Tom Cruise and nazi synonyms?
annie’s last blog post..Going Back to High School for the Monday Meme
Come back Bloggess, we want to take you to war with us! Wolverines!
Who here did not know Under Siege? Gary Busey in drag … Erika “Playboy Bunny” E-Something shooting a machine pistol … you must not have asked me.
Holy everloving crap, that rocks! My husband’s Army and I never get to do cool sh!t like that!
Well, there was this one time in a helicopter. But I couldn’t fly it or anything, jerks.
Wait list – ha!
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting’s last blog post..Adventures with Spiders 4AM-Style
umm, if I were visiting a whole bunch of soldiers, I would have worn something cute. just sayin’ …. 😛
Kimberlee’s last blog post..Montravel!
I think “WOLVERINES!” is from Red Dawn.
First photo- Bad Ass!
Misha’s last blog post..Broken
Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe that Tom Cruise hasn’t been in a movie where he wasn’t a Nazi, secret or otherwise.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..I think I’ve broken my kid
Not that I want to unnaturally sway the discussion my way, but I took a couple film courses in college, so I’m probably right and you’d probably embarrass yourself arguing otherwise.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..I think I’ve broken my kid
What kind of Navy people haven’t seen Under Seige? Isn’t that like day two at Navy Boot Camp?
Glad you’re home safe and sound. Well maybe not sound but anyway I saw you over on BoingBoing this morning. Have you taken over the internet? http://www.boingboing.net/2009/06/01/send-headshot-to-get.html
Our Jenny is back, safe and sound, after spending a week on an aircraft carrier full o’ seamen.
Oh, and I heard that Lil’ Kim is so scared of you, he shifted his missiles and is now gonna nuke Sarah Palin.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Things 2 See in Houston: Terra Cotta Warriors
Glad you were not rescued by nazis
Karen’s last blog post..Birth Choices and The NICU
hA….You always make me laugh. I would have needed a “Xan Fairy” to come visit me first too! And to echo previous statements…The gun totally makes you hotter 🙂 Glad u had a good time and they let you go…and not overboard.
For anyone who has been reading you for more than a week, you probably don’t need to add “true story” to anything. We pretty much get that if it’s really outrageous, you probably did it. That’s what we love about you. That, and the advice. Because, really, I was just on my way out the door to get it on with a bear. You saved my life.
Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)’s last blog post..Do You Know the Muffin Man? Well, Apparently He Lives at My House. And He Makes Muffins That Strangely Resemble the Sorting Hat. Yum!
I think that sequel would be way better than the first 2 movies combined. 🙂
Christy’s last blog post..Nothing Lasts Forever
Damn Jenny, you make me wanna make hott, gay love to you in the jail cell. Now that’s the kind of seige I could get under.
Cat’s last blog post..Fuck Cancer
you certainly know how to rock a hoody
furiousBall’s last blog post..a visit from a doe
So let me get this straight? For some reason you were on a Navy ship – I have no idea why, I’ve tried to figure it out and it has something to do with computers and writing because Guy Kawasaki was there. Now you’re a vagina-writing, advice column writing, gun toting, in the brig, military “bring it on” “mission accomplished” writing girl?
I’m so confused. I know I’m a little slow, but this is a lot of worlds colliding here all at once. And you’re wearing a helmet at some point. That just makes me more confused. Are you sure you didn’t just take a few days off and set this all up in your backyard for kicks?
Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Pop Psychology
I rode in a military tank once in Galveston. It was supposed to be “family day” so I guess someone thought it would be fun to make everyone throw up. I had only eaten a bunch of skittles so mine was BY FAR the best looking puke there. Sometimes you just get lucky that way.
BTW I tried to email you at your sex column, but I may have screwed it all up and sent it to the administrator. So maybe you want to tell them that if they see an email about starting a cult it should go to you. But probably they’d know that already.
Ohhh … it said “goose.” I was trying to figure it out and thought maybe it was some toughish German thing, like maybe there were Nazi geese in that Tom Cruise movie that I didn’t see, which kind of made sense. Geese are cold and cruel, with penetrating gazes. And then I realized I’d never seen Under Seige or The Hunt for Red October either, so I didn’t know what goose meant. I just thought you’d gotten geese and bears confused. GOOSE. Oh, okay.
emvandee’s last blog post..Nothing says “I love you” like a freezer full of meat. This is a post about ice cream.
HOLY SHIT YOURE ON BOING BOING!
Do I need to start fucking bears before I stop? Thank you for the clarification.
I’ll hang up and take my answer off the air.
OK, really. Just who in the Navy thought it would be a good idea to let you on board an aircraft carrier? Really? I know you are back, but more importantly, how is the ship?
Ed Schipul’s last blog post..Collins: The Five Key Things to Consider When Looking for the Right People
Glad you are back on dry land without guns! Hope you had a blast!!
Imelda’s last blog post..Links for 2009-06-01 [del.icio.us]
I am so embarrassed by how much I love your blog. I’m even more embarrassed that I really get your humor. Noone in my real life would, I’m sure. I’m afraid if I tell people about your blog, well, I just don’t want the looks…..
And I quote Neptunus Lex, “Jenny Lawson was lovely and very clever, but rather unlike the persona projected on her page – or maybe you’ve just got to know her better.” Hmmmm. Must have been the xanax. 😉
peedee’s last blog post..Goodbye Gingie
OMG! I can’t believe how SLIMMING black bars are! I’m totally getting a tiara like that!
Swistle’s last blog post..One at a Time, Please
You look like George Bush in the first photo and Dick Cheney in the second.
A Free Man’s last blog post..And happiness I’ve known proves that it’s right
But if people stop having sex with bears, no one will be able to say “Bear Fucker, do you need assistance?” ever again.. and that my friend, will be a sad, sad day.
Coyote’s Kitten’s last blog post..This Is Going To Be A Long Week
I’m just reading this second most recent post of yours and I’m already drawn way in, I’m adding you to my feed reader RIGHT NOW. You’re hilarious! lol
Sarcastica’s last blog post..Everything’s Just WONDERFUL
It was a pleasure meeting you on NIMITZ it isn’t every day that I get to meet cool chicks, they are few and far between in the Navy, dare I say it, but there are to many dudes. You get a little tired of their jokes after awhile. Thanks for letting me join you at lunch.
Ok, so this is totally late because I totally procrastinate EVERYTHING. But I’m pretty sure I saw you at IAH on May 28 (I think? Thursday?). I guess this post answers the question of where you were headed. I was going to run up to you and shout a bunch of “OMG”s at you, but decided against it for a number of reasons. 1. You would probably think I was a crazy stalker. Well, maybe not crazy, but more of a lazy stalker, seeing as how I love your blog but haven’t been here in MONTHS. (Yes, that’s right, I’m even too lazy to surf the internet. Sheesh.) 2. You had that look on your face that all people have in airports. The kind of look that says, “Please don’t talk to me strangers, until I’ve at least had some booze.” and 3. I was also in the airport. Travelling. WITH A TODDLER. Nuff said.
Of course, I also mentioned to my friend that I was lacking creativity as far as what to say, but then she mentioned I should have said something so bizarre it would have ended up on your blog. Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that? Of course, it probably wasn’t you after all and then I would have just yelled something about bigfoot at some poor stranger. Then I’m pretty sure TSA would have gotten involved because Bigfoot is probably code for something, and, anyways, it would have been a big mess. But glad you had a great flight!
You TOTALLY should have said something. I needed someone to drink with and I’m fine with bringing toddlers into airport bars.
I totally new you’d be a bad ass. Rambo has nothing on you. And N. Korea better watch it because with a woman protecting her family can do a lot of damage. Trust me, I once took out a kid who sprayed water at my baby. Lesson don’t mess with a lady.
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Which Twitter Girl Are You?:Not Everybody is Queen of the Twitter Prom =-.
Good post. I bet it was very exciting.
.-= Joseph Condron´s last blog ..Top Gun Film Review: Can The Fascination Be Explained =-.
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I don’t know if you’ve heard but Neptunus Lex has passed away. I tell you this because as a reader I first came here from a link on his blog.
My first thought was of the pic you posted of Joaquin Phoenix with ‘bye’ and ‘ good’ scrawled on his knuckles.
Good for you that even terrified and on Xanax you still managed to
a. spell goose correctly
b. have it written the right way up and;
c. make a relevant movie reference (even if Goose died in the end and you didn’t)
We are all in awe of you.