Letters from Nancy

As regular readers know, Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) is my favorite fan in the entire history of the world and she sends me these bizarre, rambling emails that I print out and tape to my refrigerator and she won’t start a blog in spite of my prodding but she’s too awesome to keep to myself so I occasionally share a little wisdom from Nancy.  Today is one of those days.  You’re welcome:

JENNIFER ARIEL LOUISE LAWSON! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE NOW!

Okay, I got some shit to run by you. There is this douche bag at work who is a complete tool and she follows this mommy website and this chick is all like, “Ohmygawd! Here she is with her new baby!”  Then she shows me photos of her (apparently older daughter) who is downright motherfucking scary-ass! And SHE’S looking at the baby all like “I’m going to totally eat your fucking head the first chance I get, you bitch.” *

So now I’ve been doing nothing (ha! literally!) all week except trying to figure out this “mommy blog” bollocks. All I want to know is WHO GIVES A RAT’S ASS ABOUT YOUR KID??? It’s like my Claire’s [uh-oh—child mentioned] bugger it, she’s 20, and her new motto is “NOBODY CARES!” yes, you answer all questions put to you with “NOBODY CARES” and give them fierce stink-eye when you do it. Highly effective in a work environment.  Okay. I can tell stories about my grrlz all day, but “NOBODY CARES!” However, if they were of a mind to be entertained, it’s all good.

We went thru a bad patch years ago when we had no money. I mean, really; no. fucking. money. We had to eat “Hamburger Helper” but couldn’t afford the goddamned hamburger, so we ate “Helper.” But it was worse the next night when we had mother fucking as-god-is-my-witness-where’s-that-damned-turnip “LEFTOVER HELPER.” So bite me, you sanctimonious bitches.

Another tale. We’re at the grocery using our food stamps that happened to save our lives, thankyouverymuch, when this fucking cunt behind us in her little designer track suit and her jewelry lets out this big sigh like “oh, what an inconvenience.” I get the groceries and the grrlz in the car and say, “Mommy will be right back.” Elizabeth yells out the window, “Hey, mom! Don’t kill her.” I assure them I won’t, march up to the bitches’ BMW who by this time has locked herself in the car and is shitting in her designer pants. I calmly tap on the window, which she finally rolls down a crack and I say in my sweetest voice, “My dear, I want you to go home tonight and get down on your knees and thank the good lord above you have some man to leech off. In fact, I’d suggest a blow job while you’re down there, because you could not survive one motherfucking day in my world. Hey! That felt kinda good remembering those days. Mayhaps there’s something to this shit after all.

Oh! Now I’m on a roll—I gotta call all mah bitches just to say ‘hey,’ but here’s a parting thought. Claire was about in 4th grade and was having a friend over to play. Her friend looked around and said, “Where’s your T.V.” And my sweet little girl gave a shrug and simply said, “In the Pawn Shop.’ Like, duh.

Well, what a strange and different missive from the Psychopathic Paralegal, I must say. So if you can explain how all this shit got started and—well, fuck! You hardly ever mention your daughter, so what is the deal? Colour me all kinda confused.  

* And that’s something else that bugs the piss outta me. “Oh, you’re going to have a new baby brother or sister! Isn’t that exciting?” yeah, right, mom. How about if Dad came home and said, “Oh, Honey, guess what! I’m bringing home a younger girl and you will have to share all your toys and vie for my attention, and she’ll get all in your stuff and isn’t that wonderful?! Aren’t you excited???!!  Fucking fuck that fucking shit. I actually saw my psycho neighbor kid—about 5 or 6 years old [years ago—where the fuck are you Douglas Bence?] try to actually cut off his little baby brother’s head with a pair of hedge clippers. Dude, I kid you not.

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal (at least for now until these women come with axes, torches and rakes. Or an explanation.)

Okay, it’s me again.  Just wanted to clarify that I do have a mommy blog, I talk about my kid probably too much, and my name is not “Jennifer Ariel Louise Lawson” but now I’m kind of considering changing it because it totally sings.  Also, Nancy W. Kappes is insane and also kind of my hero.

125 thoughts on “Letters from Nancy

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “you could not survive one motherfucking day in my world” = my new mantra. I love Nancy!!!

  2. Is it sad that I’m kind of proud that she’s from Indiana? I love that there’s a possibility I could run into her. Like every time I walk by a law office I always wonder if Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) and her crazy self are housed behind the glass.

    Just Shireen’s last blog post..I Don’t Know Much

  3. I’m not a blogger, but would totally go to BlogHer just to meet Nancy at the People’s Party. She’s one bad ass chick.

  4. She’s real? I was kind of hoping she was your Tyler Durden.

    Damn. Now I wish I was going to blogher because I have lots of little bottles of ketchup I’ve stolen from hotel trays and they’re not even opened and they would totally make that left over Helper partially edible and I would give them to Nancy.

    Because I’m nice like that.

    Miss Thystle’s last blog post..Holy Roller

  5. I just read all of Nancy’s letters – and I guess this all started because of a review she did for a Rage Against the Machine concert?? How random and awesome is that…no wonder she’s your favorite. I mean, Bulls on Parade, right?

  6. I would so totally go to the People Party just to meet her too. I had “Helper sans Hamburger” many nights when I was a kid.

    Shawna’s last blog post..True Blood

  7. I need Nancy to tell off my sister-in-law, who apparently I’m fighting with because she thinks I hate babies because there’s this awesome website called “STFU, Parents” which is just a spin-off on “STFU, Marrieds” and I fanned it on Facebook and she snapped and called me hateful and told me I should stop hating babies. I don’t hate babies. Never has there ever been such a tender meat. I could pay Nancy. Not money, but like, mad props or something.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Invoking Korea: I am madly in love with all pancakes.

  8. Nancy is wonderful.
    And my name is not Jennifer, but it is Ariel Louise- It was supposed to be Ariel Christine, but my asshole spermdonor father threw a fucking fit because my older sister was named after my mom’s mom and so the second kid had to be named after his bitchy scary asshole mother. So Instead of Ariel Christine I’m Ariel Louise and I hated it for years except that I’m getting married in 23 days and my soon to be mother in laws middle name is Louise and she’s wonderful and I don’t have to see my scary bitchy grandma anymore (by choice, not cause she’s dead, although I guess she could actually be dead cause I haven’t seen her in 3 years) and so I can just pretend that somehow or another my mother named me after my mother in law because she’s psychic.
    So go ahead and change your name, cause that would be cool! Also? Lawson was my bitchy scary grandma’s maiden name and my great grandma was actually sweet and I’m not sure how she managed to fuck up my grandma, although I’m of the opinion people are perfectly capable of messing up their own lives.
    So maybe we are related somehow? We should drink together someday. Except you live in Texas and I live in Idaho and I’m getting married instead of going to the Peoples Party and I’m pretty sure I’m getting the better end of the deal cause I really love the guy I’m marring in 23 days 🙂
    But hey! Maybe next year?

    Ariel’s last blog post..Ian

  9. I kinda don’t want Nancy to come out of hiding because I have this awesome fantasy of her looking like an evil Meryl Streep character, but chain-smoking cigarettes from one of those long cigarette-holder things. It would totally ruin it if she was harmless and nice.
    She should be a sitcom– love her.

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..This Is Not Good

  10. NWK is my hero!! She is officially “one of those people I would love to sit down and drink with”.

  11. This was hilarious, as always! She seriously needs to write a blog. I don’t know how you can convince her but YOU HAVE TOO! Just use your magical bloggess ways and create a miracle. No, not like a child miracle because that’s your own business just the kind that makes Nancy obey you’re every command. Just please use it wisely.

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..My husband had an epiphany basically about crap and liverwurst. Seriously.

  12. “In fact, I’d suggest a blow job while you’re down there, because you could not survive one motherfucking day in my world.”
    word.

  13. “We had to eat ‘Hamburger Helper’ but couldn’t afford the goddamned hamburger, so we ate ‘Helper.'” OMG I almost peed my pants. And I can relate, because just a couple of weeks ago, I stocked up on Ramen, but ran out of water.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..what i like about texas

  14. Um, I’m obsessed with Nancy. I would kill to have her come to the next neighborhood party, where I’m one of the only moms who work and everyone is tsking about the fact that my poor kids have to go to camp during the summer because I don’t have the only accceptable mom job–teacher–so I can be home all summer.

    And I agree with blissfully caffeinated–either the alcohol isn’t mixing well with her meds or they are in some other way failing!

    Maggie’s last blog post..

  15. please never stop posting her emails.

    the two of you should do something together. a blog, a sitcom (via Yellow Trash Diaries) or rule the world (via Michael).
    it would truly be awesome!

  16. I kind of couldn’t stand her before, but now I’m afraid she might be the smartest person on the planet.

    The implication is that society should educate its women so they don’t have to leech off some man to survive. I didn’t expect this kind of profound social commentary from her, maybe she got her meds adjusted, I like this new cocktail!

  17. I love The Bloggess and Nancy. Why? Because you say the crap I think. Seriously, I’ve HAD THAT CONVERSATION before….. Maybe y’all have the other half of my brain.

  18. I was rapidly scrolling through my Google reader and just skimming to catch up because there are too many things in there and when I saw Nancy W. Kappes I stopped cold and got up and got me some Oreo Cakesters and read her letter twice. She is one wacked out Mofo and you are so lucky to have her as a correspondent. Unless she drives up to your house one day. Then you should run out the back door and hide in a sewer pipe like those fugitives on Dog the Bounty Hunter always do.

  19. If I had as much crazy in one freckle as Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal), my world would be so much more colorful. I’m so glad that you don’t keep her all to yourself!

  20. “Oh! Now I’m on a roll—I gotta call all mah bitches just to say ‘hey,’ ”
    Oh to be one of Nancy’s bitches.

  21. ooh i love nancy so much i would love to cuddle in a sleeping bag with her in the wilderness just to hear her rant. as for mom blogs, my next quest is to remove them discreetly from my follow list..because really I DON”T CARE. I have my own kid and all of his shit to deal with. admittedly i do post him when he does something brilliant which is not as often as i would hope. i know this lady who posts her kids videos on facebook and our moms forum.. shit like, she walked, she said da-da, she took a dump in the potty..she thinks this kid is way ahead of the rest of them..and i am like honey get over yourself…she is not a genius, she is the same as everyone else’s kid, i can’t wait til she turns into a whore. WHO CARES, really.

    dina’s last blog post..food is the focus

  22. Jenny Ariel Louise Lawson, I want you to know that all my new heros say F**k awful lot. You and Nancy top the list.

    I used to be a grocery store cashier. One time a chick came in with a cartload full of vodka (for which she paid cash) and regular groceries (for which she paid with food stamps). She was wearing Aignier (SP?) boots, a london fog trench coat, a (real) coach purse and was loaded down with expensive jewelry. My guess is she paid her poor, single-mom maid ten cents on the dollar for each food stamp coupon. What a b*tch. I gave her a deep sigh AND an eye roll. I mean, if you are on food stamps, at least have the decency to look like you need them.
    Sincerely,
    Never been on Food Stamps but seriously love that government cheese.

  23. At first I pictured her like Erin Brokovich. But then I wondered if she was more like Wanda Sykes. And THEN I realized that I was wondering if she is black or white. Is that racist? Or double racist, because I didn’t consider any other ethnicities?

    She’s good people.

  24. I liked the reference to Jenny’s “Tyler Durden.” I liked the idea of a Nancy Kappes tee shirt. I like the idea of Nancy W. Kappes existing as a stand-alone blog entity, but I think the combination of Jenny and Nancy, like yesterday’s meatless Helper and today’s Ramen noodles, is the best.

    I’d not pretend to speak for the rest of your regular, addicted readers, but I believe your timing is impeccable. Just yesterday, I was thinking, “Ain’t it about time for a Nancy Kappes post?”

    Blessings, Jenny…on you and Nancy. And thanks for always making our day (I AM speaking for all your readers, now). Don’t change a thing.

    jeff’s last blog post..Countdown to whupass…

  25. I changed my mind about hiding from Nancy W. Kappes. That would be very bad and foolish. First because she totally rocks and second because if you did and it pissed her off your body might never be found. And your loyal readers would never know if that spider they squashed was you trying to get a message to Victor.

  26. I couldn’t decide between commenting NOBODY CARES (cause seriously, NOBODY DOES FUCKING CARE) or that Nancy is straight up my hero too, so you get both. It’s like a present. You’re welcome.

  27. At first I read that all, “We ate turnips with Hamburger Helper” and then I read what it actually said and I felt guilty for not being more sympathetic.

    And psycho neighbor kid had BALLS- I stopped at cutting all the heads of my sister’s Barbies. WHO’S PRETTIER NOW, BIATCH?!?

    LiLu’s last blog post..TMI Thursday: WAR PAINT.

  28. Should this person come to the people’s party, please make sure she does a vlog. I won’t be at blogher, and I hate that of all people to miss, I will be missing the crazy ass paralegal. Also, you didn’t seem like a person that would keep ownership of the middle name Ariel under wraps.

    Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..My Baby Daddy

  29. This could so be my friend Tina except that she isn’t a paralegal and she doesn’t have kids other than that totally the same person then again NOBODY CARES!

  30. sorry but Dooce is nowhere near as funny as blogess. And her pimping her kids put is not that cool

  31. Nancy seems ideal candidate to be spokeperson for one of the reformed financial institutions as they try to salvage and restore major reputation damage.

    I’m not saying she’d re-establish credibility or consumer confidence for them—–I’m saying she’s the type of spokesperson they ought to have:
    “You think we’re underwriting this SHIT, people!!!!?!!? Get a fucking life, bitches—-you ain’t rich, this money ain’t for you, and you KNOW it!! You give us your cash, and we’ll figure out some way to fuck it up.
    We’ll say one thing and do somethin’ else completely. Bet your a$$ on it !!!!”

    God, I wish.

  32. FUCK!! I want to go to BlogHer now, I need to meet this chick in person. Any chance the People’s Party wants to change the venue to somewhere on the island of Guam?

  33. It’s almost midnite, and Nancy hasn’t emailed me yet. Ratz. I can’t sleep thinkin’ about what a great bleepin’ Paralegal Profile she’d give and wonderin’ if her practice tip for paralegals would include scissors, a toilet bowel and/or Valium. Be sure and get her pic at BlogHer for the Nancy Kappes Paralegal Effin’ ROCKS T-shirt!

    Lynne J. DeVenny’s last blog post..Robert Half Legal’s New White Paper: Law Offices Face New Challenges

  34. Holy balls. She never fails to amaze me. If she ever DOES Start her own blog, it would rocket up there in that category of “blogs that you read but never really understand but can’t look away from because the blood! The broken bones! The bits of SUV scattered across the highway!!”

    tracey’s last blog post..I Am.

  35. Jenny,
    Thanks so much for sharing Nancy’s insights with us once again. She sounds like an extremely brilliant woman!
    I linked to it from my blog and I really hope all three of my readers come over here and check it out.
    Love,
    Bic

    bic’s last blog post..News From The Bloggess

  36. What are the odds that there is another mommyblogger with a girl newborn and a significantly older daughter right now?

    abdpbt’s last blog post..Bane

  37. Awesome! Thanks for sharing Jenny!

    And PS, fans of The Bloggess who happen to read my little posting here, check out the link on my blog to a Best Humour Blog contest that someone nominated The Bloggess for… and VOTE FOR HER!

    Natalie’s last blog post..All Hail The Bloggess!

  38. I love this woman, Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal). I want to be her friend. I want her to send me emails. How do I work that out? Actually, I’d probably just be that woman cringing inside her car being given a talking to about dissing food stamps. Though I’d never be caught dead in a designer tracksuit.

    Jennifer Ariel Louise Lawson is clearly a 14 year old girl who was actually named Jennifer Louise Lawson by her parents, but has taken Ariel as her confirmation name because she is her favorite Disney princess.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Guffman

  39. New favorite thing (I re-read)… Is Nancy W. Kappes british? Because she TOTALLY put a “u” in color. Which just is awesome given that it’s the same email as the phrase “mah bitches”… 🙂

  40. oh thank you. I needed that. Everything is sideways in the way that only a fucked up endocrine tumor can make things. If I could be that crazy and that together at the same time … well… most of my problems would probably be solved!

  41. Originally I clicked the link on Mike T’s twitter post regarding your page. Being my typical self I skimmed one in every three sentences and made a snap judgment thinking that your entire blog consisted of complete tirades about consuming children’s heads. I would like to formally reverse my conclusion because in fact your blog is very entertaining and contrary to prior belief, contains very little about eating kids.
    In addition, I saw the post about the surprise box of Star Wars books and laughed my ass off because I read those too ! (not the bounty hunter ones, the young jedi ones)
    Anyway, you’ve been entered into my google reader now.
    And thanks for comments on my blog !
    They caused me to come back to yours and realize the mistake I made !

    John Z’s last blog post..Garage Top

  42. “Fucking fuck that fucking shit!” Nancy now has a new fan – it’s official. She better write that fucking blog right fucking now. God, that felt good. Love your blog too, Bloggess. Rarely miss a day and it’s always right on the money.

    Scribe’s last blog post..Trading my stapler for an uzi

  43. Holy F! (inside my head): Nancy’s a 5′ nuthin’, dark hair, chain smokin’, ebayin’ sum’ betch. She could be my disgruntled ex-best friends divorcee mother or just pure undercover Jenny. Either way, she’s all I live for. And being all the way up here in MA means I wont get the chance to meet her- But what I wouldn’t give for the chance! Bitchin’!

  44. Nancy W. Kappes is a fucking gem of a woman. Bollocks is a particularly English word but as a Brit I don’t have a fucking clue what a ‘Hamburger Helper’ is. This was my first visit to this site. Nancy has made an everlasting impression on me .

    Troutie’s last blog post..Lazy Cow

  45. remember the time you realized you really were probably too drunk to be out alone, especially in that part of new york and you sort of prayed a little or a lot that you would make it home and behind a safely locked door and how you knew you would never get THAT drunk and find yourself alone again? Or when you went out with that guy you didn’t know and went home with him and then left after seeing his place because…well, your cat was sick and you don’t want him to ralph all over the fauxpersian rug your Aunt Enid left you, but it was really because your gut was telling you you were either going to end up being filmed for porn or hacked up into pieces or both. remember? remember pushing those envelopes? crossing those lines and living through it. reading your blog feels like that. Like I am falling down the rabbit hole.

  46. OMG!!!! YOU TWO SHOULD HONESTLY TAKE OVER THE VIEW!!!! I CRACK UP EVERYTIME YOU POST SOMETHING FROM HER

  47. Screw it. I can not compete with N.W.K. for your love and attention. All I can do is offer you a Fuddruckers receipt with “Wolverenes” scrawled on it.

  48. Okay, so Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) needs to see this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iURGJpoEcn0
    if only because it took me 45 minutes to find it and that would be the polite thing to do, but also because it perfectly represents those “Aren’t you excited to have a new brother/sister?” moments we’ve all been guilty of. Unless, of course, you’re parent to only one child and not planning on having another.

    alison @ cluck and tweet’s last blog post..How Can I Top This? Dying, Affairs, Divorce, Father’s Day. All Wrapped Up in One.

  49. I love Nancy! She’s totally inspired me to get in touch with my real feelings and never hold anything back. And go buy a box of Turnip Helper. Thanks so much for sharing — reading this was so worth staying home from church for.

    Cathy’s last blog post..Craft Shows

  50. I can’t decide whether I love Nancy or whether I’d actually be scared shitless of her if I ever bumped into her in real life. I’m afraid she’s the kind of person that would cut your head off if you like took too long sorting through your coupons on line at the grocery store. But she’d do it in a funny way so that no one else on line felt bad for you and just gave each other the “I know, right?” eyes in your general direction.

    Diana V’s last blog post..6 Online Dating Profile Red Flags

  51. Thank God someone said what’s in my head – only not in that awesome Fucky Fuckerson kind of way this chick did. There is one mommy blogger – the mommiest of all mommy bloggers – that I challenged to a cage match. She did not respond. I took that to mean she fears my mad cage match skillz. Which she should. Cause they’re mad and what not.

    Sher’s last blog post..The OCD Chick vs.Wild PT 2

  52. Jenny, I do not know if you actually read your comments. I think you do,
    because I think I remember you posting about how your readers leave
    the most insane comments…maybe I remember that.
    Anyway, I’m not leaving a super entertaining crazy comment, but I am watching
    Frisky Dingo Season 2 while reading your blog. And I think the two are a match
    made in hell. If you have not seen this show, you must. Since I know you so well,
    I know you will love it. My favorite episode

    http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c39214b602990114b7275b720026

    And my favorite clip

    http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921888baf5011889ddcabb0040

    Do it, for the kids.

  53. Pass on the message to Nancy that the proper name for it is “Hamburgerless Helper” and we love it in our house. We were made to be poor. Also, WalMart jeans fit my ass better than any other. God knew what he was doing…

  54. I hate when people in the grocery aisle get annoyed at people using stamps. Or even goddamn checks. Are you that hungry that you can’t wait two more minutes to get your cheetos home?

    Good for her. I don’t get Mommy Blogs either. I mean, either you have a good blog, where sometimes you write about your children and sometimes other stuff. Or you have a crazy blog whereupon you reveal your entire life revolves only around your child, in minute detail. I have no problem with people who love their kids. But have a little perspective in your life as well. Your child is not having any favors done for them by you not being interested in anything else.
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Yay Questions! ( the post formerly known as "If I didn’t like you so much, I’d call this Formspring Friday. What? Right.") =-.

  55. OMG…I used to feel so bad for hating those mommy blog sites. I wanted to shake those stupid fake sugar won’t melt in my mouth and my kids are perfect and I totally don’t live in the REAL world mothers. I feel so vindicated now 😀

  56. There is part of me that is hugely curious what her legal advice sounds like. I can’t help thinking that perhaps she would advise that shrieking is an adequate form of mediation.

    And, honestly, I’ve used that particular technique a lot. But maybe she could help me refine it to the art form she has certainly raised it to.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..I’m just like Van Gogh. =-.

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