If I had a time machine I’d go find Jenny Craig and Jenny McCarthy and convince them both to be vetrinarians.

Sometimes I wish I had a weird first name so that when I googled it I would be on the first page of links but I never am.  I’m probably on page three but I always get too bored after the first two pages to look further.  Probably if I killed Jenny Craig and Jenny McCarthy I’d be on page one.  Except that their murders wouldn’t make all their links just disappear and it would probably make them even more popular.  But then maybe I’d be on the articles on page one if I got arrested?  I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not sure it’s worth it to kill Jenny Craig and Jenny McCarthy to be on the first page of google because I’m not sure how search engines work.  I did find this Jenny video though in my search and it made me laugh and I realized how silly it is to want to kill two people I’ve never even met before because if you’re going to kill someone it should probably be someone you already hate anyway.  So I guess what I’m saying is that you should watch your back even if your name isn’t Jenny.  But if your name is Jenny and you’re an asshole you’re probably going to get stabbed a lot.

PS. I just spellchecked this post and this weird box popped up that said “NO MISSPELLINGS FOUND” and I’m all “The hell?  Why have I never seen that before?” and Victor’s all “Maybe it’s because you’re a terrible speller”.  Then I stabbed him.  But just in my head because I’m too tired to stab anyone today.  I think I must have mono again.

Comment of the day:  Ironically, it’s spelled “veterinarian.” ~ seven

104 thoughts on “If I had a time machine I’d go find Jenny Craig and Jenny McCarthy and convince them both to be vetrinarians.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. No stabbling any Jenny’s or you won’t be going to BLOGHER! But you will have lots of *tweet support* in jail. We’d stand behind you. But not in front of you since you’ve got that stabby thing going on.

    Pop and Ice’s last blog post..Shreds and Tears

  2. I must say its awfully tempting to stab Jenny mccarthy but I wouldn’t want to steal your limelight.

  3. Look, if you slinked around killing random Jennys in a serial sort of fashion, it would be all over Google. There’d be less Jennys to muck up the Google results; and if you were careful and never got caught, you could always Google “the jenny serial killer” and bask in the anonymous limelight of knowing that was you right at the top of the fucking page.

    Good plan or what?



    PS: Thanks a lot for the blogroll thing. Seriously.

    PPS: As threatened, I worked in a post about it.

    bic’s last blog post..Latest Rumors From Iran

  4. I think you might want to stab strangers – this way, you release that horrible pent-up anger and stress (stress is so bad for your health) and no one would even suspect it was you – why would you stab someone you didn’t even know repeatedly when you have all these bitches you hate, that are stealing your rightful first page google search results? You wouldn’t, officer, that’s right.

    Rikki’s last blog post..turtles, driveways, and super models

  5. When I search my name, I just get pages of Britney spears showing her vagina to the world or a pair of conjoined twins (or is it just twin since they basically just have two heads but one body) named Abby and Brittany. So vaginas or conjoined twins. I could stab both of them, but i think it’s discrimination to stab someone with two heads. Instead I’d just sell pictures and make money.

    Brittany’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Hedder

  6. Out of curiousity I googled myself and all I found were like 20 pages (apparently my stamina is stronger than yours) of a jazz artist that I’ve never heard of. And yet someone found my blog by googling “indian woman forces husband to fuck” and “vagina show”. I can’t even imagine how disappointed those people were.

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..I’d Like To Request a 24-Hour Vigil Be Kept Around Madonna– But Only If She Stops Talking In That Fake-Ass British Accent

  7. Surely there can’t be more than one Jennifer Ariel Louise Lawson. If there is, I recommend killing her. For the sake of the children.

    Evn’s last blog post..Just Us Girls

  8. Oh FUCK. I really hope you haven’t killed any other Jennys yet as I suggested. Just Google: “the bloggess” you’ll get 85,900 hits and feel a lot better about yourself. Well, except for the mono.

  9. I have a very unusual name….that is how my ex was able to find everything I wrote on the net and present it to court…… just saying

    Rhea’s last blog post..R.I.P Dr. Tiller

  10. Jenny PLEASE forget about the stabby business, OK. I was wrong. Just read my post above (#15) and feel really good about yourself. An Oxycontin wouldn’t hurt either. Washing it down with some really good booze might be good for the mono too.


    bic’s last blog post..Jenny, Wait! Don’t Kill Anyone! I Was Wrong!

  11. I don’t know what you are complaining about with google because you absolutely pop up top dog in a search for “blogess.” My blog only comes up like third or fourth, after a Cub Scout skit of the same name.

    Mary Ellen’s last blog post..Evening of Flowering Trees

  12. Well, I’m on page 4 of the “lori” search. At least I am tops for “lori olson” now. That bitch from Big Brother has finally dropped in popularity. I think having been on the internet since 1994, I oughta come first….

    Lori M Olson’s last blog post..My cyborg name is…

  13. Not only am I not the first result, but Google insists that I’m spelling my name wrong so Stephanie Van Zandt comes up before me, Stephanie Van Sandt. It’s insulting to be bumped off by someone with a different name altogether. A gynecologist, no less. Looks like I’m not the only one to loose my spot to vaginas.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Somebody Kick My Jukebox, Please

  14. Jenny McCarthy used to be at the top of my Stab List, but then she started dating Jim Carrey and I decided that she’d suffered enough. Now it’s Mark Wahlberg. (Not “Marky Mark” terrible actor Mark Wahlberg. Mark L. Wahlberg, the douche bag tv host.) I hate him like poison. (The deadly chemical compound, not the 80’s hair band.)

    Lemish’s last blog post..If this is too soon, come back in seven days

  15. Please dont stab anyone. They wont let you blog from jail. I’m pretty sure of that. And someone described it pretty well above….it is like Christmas when I log on and see you’ve posted. I’m addicted to your blog in a very short time. Weird. I wouldnt stalk you or anything. I’m not the stalking type. Well, maybe if you were Brad Pitt and lived down the street then maybe I would. But your not so I wont. Really.

    peedee’s last blog post..The best MJ video is a JJ video

  16. Please, whatever you do don’t stab me. I have a mission to stab everyone at Walmart first. Then you can stab me. I’ll even bring my walmart stabbing knife for you.

    Jen B.’s last blog post..Swine Flu

  17. forget stabbing jenny craig/mccarthy. i’ll be your cyclops ninja bitch from now to eternity if you just punch elisabeth hasselbeck in the mouth.

    shauna’s last blog post..the moron test

  18. Not that I would try to encourage bad behavior or anything, but if you do any of these things, especially the one listed in #28, please use one of those flip cameras the whole blog universe is giving away and post it! I know I want to see it when/if it happens.

  19. Well, apparently, I am a poet, author, microbiologist. Who knew?? I need to call mom to tell her she can be so proud of me now & stop worshipping my brother who is JUST a doctor. What?! No, I don’t have issues. (Have you been talking to my therapist?)

  20. Ironically, this blog post in which you threaten to stab two fairly well liked celebrity on a whim is the first in some time that didn’t get the “posts that will get me hate mail” tag.

    jfruh’s last blog post..Quick gripe about zoning

  21. My “Harmzie” shows up first and most of the first page hits are my inane comments and tweets. I *could* be all snooty about this, but really it just means it’s a stupid name that no one else wants. Or has wanted in the 12 years since the (practical) advent of the internets. Yeah. I rock.

    I love how you noted you spelled “animal doctor” (yeah, like *I’m* going to try it) wrong and didn’t change it. YOU rock!

    harmzie’s last blog post..Cool Stuff From Last Week – Part II

  22. I was all indignant when I found out there was another Elizabeth *Insert very long Italian last name here* in the US. I was sure I was a Tigger. Alas, I am NOT the only one. I can’t imagine being a Jennifer. Yelling Jennifer in a store is probably second only to yelling “MOM!”

    Lizz B’s last blog post..Justin Timberlake Loves Me More and I Can Prove It

  23. I would say that about 20 percent of the people I want to kill are named Jenny, so I might actually be helpful in your quest.

    LS’s last blog post..Ouch

  24. Sorry to add more people to your kill list, but I just looked for you on Facebook and found you on page 25 of my search. That’s a whole herd of Jenny/Jennifer Lawson’s to eliminate. You’re going to be busy for a while.

  25. Seriously ya’ll…and I can say that cuz I was born in Alabama and reguardless of where you live *now*, ya’ll is still YOURS if you were born below the Mason/Dixon line…whatever. Yeah, so, killing any “Jenny” is creepy. So stop. For reals. Cuz The Bloggess makes me laugh and I just left my husband…YESTERDAY, no lie, and NOW he decides to dig up the Elves that live in our yard ~~that he’s known about for MONTHS~~ the day AFTER I leave. And he sends me a bouquet of pink flowers. and my least favorite color is…fuck it. Just fuck it. PINK.
    Brad is an ASSHOLE.
    SOOOO: Google ALL ‘Brad’s’ and shoot them.

  26. When I google myself (and not in the dirty way) all i get is a bunch of high school sports athletes. Apparently there are alot of athletic people out there with my name. Wish it had passed on to me then I wouldn’t have been the weird kid in school.

  27. Well crap, I was not feeling the least bit stabby until I read this. Because knowing I’m screwed on my real name, I decided to google my blog name, “Crabby McSlacker.” After two years of attempting to litter the entire blog universe with MY personal invented name, I felt fairly confident I would dominate. Yet it turns out someone else not far behind me on the page is referring to herself as a Crabby McSlacker.

    That should be illegal! The REAL Crabby McSlacker blogs at Cranky Fitness, damn it.

    I may have to hire thugs, as I’m not very good at stabby or even slappy things.

    Crabby McSlacker’s last blog post..Happy Annivesary, #@%& Mosquitoes!

  28. Maybe you should change your name to “NakedChick McPornsson.” I bet that would work. People search for that shit all the time.

    Ally’s last blog post..Alcohol Genies

  29. I just did a search of my name and found a lot of precedent case law regarding a Canadian transgendered custody battle. Also tattoo removal. Hmm.

  30. If you’re going to go around stabbing and/or killing people be sure to leave a calling card. All the good mentally retarded random stabbers have calling cards. Maybe you could leave a bobcat skull with candy cane antlers next to all of your victims. The police would be all, “WTF? Let’s let these random jenny stabbings continue because these bobcat things are kick ass. Now I don’t have to buy Christmas presents this year.” Then you wouldn’t have to worry about blogging from the women’s correctional facility.

    HA Guy’s last blog post..In Case You Weren’t Aware, The Following Are Relationship Deal Breakers

  31. Your predicament reminds me of a sheepdog demonstration I saw.

    The first dog was all Richard Simmons channeling R. Lee Ermey “ALL RIGHT, YOUSONSOFOBITCHES, WE ARE GOING OVERTHATBRIDGE AND THROUGHTHATGATE AND SOHELPMEGOD, YOU-DO-NOT-WANT-TO-BE-THE-LAST-IN-LINE! MOVE IT, MOVE IT, FEELTHEBURN!” noisy and jumping on sheep and pushing them through the obstacles with brute force.

    The other two dogs worked together and used voodoo sheep-mindreading trickery because they weren’t as big, but they were fast and sneaky. Kind of like when you have a friend kneel behind someone and then you give them a shove (I don’t do that). One dog would hide while the other dog got the sheep moving and when the sheep ran the wrong way, BAM, the hidden dog was ALREADY THERE IN FRONT OF THEM, like he knew where they were going before they did. He’d start yelling at them for going the wrong way while his partner ran ahead and hid and every time the sheep turned around it was like they were facing another dog yelling at them and they were like “Jesus, we’ll go any direction that gets us away from the screaming dogs” and they raced through the obstacles.

    I guess I’m trying to say that there’s more than one way to get to the top of the Google heap (like counting your search results for “Bloggess,” as others have suggested). Sure, stabbings might get you headlines, but I can’t condone doing anything illegal, ESPECIALLY not arson (wink, wink).

  32. For what it’s worth, I’m a Jenny but I’m totally not an asshole. I don’t really like kittens, though. I mean, I wouldn’t kick a kitten, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to see one.

  33. Google me and you’ll end up with geneological (now there is bad spelling) records on every women with my same name going back into the 1700’s or an English designer of clothing for rich children. Pages and pages before you find me.

    Most people find my blog by googling porn. Not clown porn either. But strangely, vaginas have never brought a single person to my blog. Gerbils have, but that’s another sick sad story.

    annie’s last blog post..White Trash Neighbors

  34. When I google my name, I get p0rn…but it’s not mine…I still bet you are jealous.

  35. One time I googled myself and discovered that I’m really unattractive and also quite skilled at weight lifting. Apparently, I won second place for my “clean and jerk” which is not about masturbation at all, just so you know, and I was wearing a unitard that really accentuated my belly. In a bad way. But I doubt anyone would notice because my face was all contorted with rage and it was ugly in the first place.

    It’s good to be me.

    shine’s last blog post..It’s Friday, we should break up – Beer Commercials

  36. When Bossy was growing up she wanted her name to be Jenny. Now she is grateful it isn’t because Bossy kind of likes living.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..1-800-AUTOPSY

  37. Ahh, early FoTC is the perfect accompaniment to any Bloggess post. And so apropos; you expect the song to culminate in a stabbing.

  38. I don’t have the name issue, I have the Not At All Popular So No One Is Looking For Me issue … plus some other shit my lawyer says I can’t discuss. My name comes up easily along with some other Akilah people (ones a writer for a newspaper) but no one is searching for my ass anyway. Since no one is searching, I have no clue why I’m so damn afraid to poke fun of the people around me who piss me off weekly.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..What Would You Do?

  39. When you get done with the Jennys please don’t move onto the Jennis!

    I google myself and find I am an epidimiologist and an opera singer. I’d like to kill those two for being far more accomplished than me.

  40. when I googled “Heidi” there were annoying pictures of Heidi Klum and “Speidi” then a bizillion links to that stupid “Heidi” book that I’m named after. Actually it was Shirley Temple playing Heidi in the movie Heidi that I was named after, but really, it’s in the same realm of things so why split hairs? Since, however, going back in time and killing Johanna Spyri would be costly and well, impossible, and the fact that Klum and “Speidi” were before her anyways (and more annoying) on the result list, I should focus my general pissed-off-ness on THEM instead . Between the two of them I kind of hate “Speidi” more so I think that “Speidi” should probably be shot, or stabbed to keep with your line of thinking, but stabbing seems so personal and also I’m kind of a neat freak and getting blood on me would be messy and also, I get nauseous at the sight of blood so I may pass out before finishing them off, then they would be more popular then ever which would make me want to kill myself which I don’t want to do because I kind of like myself more than them and WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DIE? SO, since my attempted murder of “Speidi” would be worse off for the country in the sense of their 15 minutes of fame being extended another 10 seconds, and since I’m a loyal patriot (had to spell check that) and all, I could never do that, so I’ll sacrifice never being the #1 Heidi just for you guys .

  41. You don’t really want to stab anyone because that would be your second strike. As I recall, you did time in the pokey on the aircraft carrier. We can’t have you blogging from jail.

  42. I have nothing against Victor — really I don’t. But I ALWAYS laugh when you say that you stabbed him. And you say that a lot. And I feel like I need to apologize to your husband because I really don’t think it’s funny for people to stab each other — except for when you pretend to do it to Victor.

    sabrina’s last blog post..California’s diverse landscape is now on my face

  43. Ha ha that was funny. How is it that I have never thought to Google myself before? Ok, all I got was a cheese-ball movie and a cafe and some other junk, plus the Edgar Allen Poe poem. Which rocks by the way. If someone has to write a poem about you, The Poe-ster is not a bad option at all.

  44. When I Google myself with my real name, the first thing that pops up is “Professional Model,” so I figure it’s like a fan site or something equally plausible. I didn’t click the link because I didn’t want to be disappointed. And then I Googled myself with my fake married name (I am married, but I’ve appropriated his name for my own devices, none of which are legal/legally-binding), and it turns out I’m fake Dutch. Which is kind of weird, because I’m not even fake tall.

    emvandee’s last blog post..Cherry turnovers are perfect for busy people who prefer to take their pies to go.

  45. Ha! My name is Angel. Try googling that! I’ll NEVER see the first page because you just can’t stab TV shows and Record companies. Although sometimes I’d like to.

    And why isn’t googling in the spell check dictionary?

  46. Can you do me a favor since you’re a Texan? Can you go ahead and get rid of Caroline Street in Houston? When I google “Caroline Houston,” I just get a bunch of addresses. Think about it, if you burned half of Houston down you’d be on page one for sure. Then when the commotion settles, I’d be on page one. We’d really be helping each other out here.

    carolinemichelle’s last blog post.."I just had a wasabi accident"

  47. My name is Amanda Bone. When I google my name all I get is porn,which is good and bad.

  48. Speaking of stabbing…I’d like to stab myself in the ears right now as I’m hiding in my home office while my 3 month screams her fucking head off in the other room with the nanny. Fuck, I thought #2 was supposed to be the easy one – someone lied to me and I’m going to hunt them down and stab those fuckers too!

    And if someone thinks to make a smart-ass comment right now about how I shouldn’t work and I should stay at home with my kids, please send me your address so I can pay you a nice little visit…

  49. This ought to please you, though: you are, by several orders of magnitude, less criminally irresponsible than the other two Jennys. One of them, who has roughly the same grasp of science as a dead badger, is going about encouraging people not to vaccinate their kids. The other one encourages people to view highly salted frozen items as meals when they are, at most, amuse bouches.

    Compared to them, you’re like Marie freaking Curie here. Congrats!

    Ken’s last blog post..Strength And Honor! And A Nice Dental Plan With Matching 401(k)!

  50. Well, I tried searching “jenny -craig -mccarthy” or however you spell it, and youre on page three, mostly after that 8675309 song (you know? jenny, i got your number? that one?) so i guess that you have some more Jennies to kill.

    I promise not to tell anyone though.

  51. Did Victor go and hide all your sporks? Is that why you’re too tired to be physically stabby, because you would have to go find them first and THEN go stab him? Cause that would make me tired just thinking of it and would probably prevent me from stabbing a loved one. Good thing I have a travel spork on my key-chain so I’m never in that predicament.

    P.s. I never get that message either, I prefer to think that it’s because I like to make up words that don’t exist yet (except in Vulcan), and then I just ignore the words that are actually spelled wrong and yell at the computer for being so behind the linguistic times that it doesn’t know that “fantabulous” is really a word.

    Hannah’s last blog post..I don’t care what you say, I think it’s love

  52. Just googled my name and found that I am, indeed, on the first page. But more importantly, I found out that there is something called Brittfest. That has got to be all kinds of awesome.

    I’m emailing them now to offer to be their princess for this year’s festivities.

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..In lieu of flowers, I forgive.

  53. So tonight I was with my sister and mom and my sister has the laptop and she turns to me and says “Oh, you have a blog, don’t you?” And I’m all “Whaaaaat? Ummmmm….” Because I’m not sure about my mom and sister reading my blog. So she says, never mind, I’ll just google you and find it that way. Lucky for me I have the same name as an apparently famous Brazilian pop star/sex symbol. She’ll never find me.

    Kelly’s last blog post..When Karaoke Goes Bad

  54. “If I had a time machine I’d go find Jenny Craig and Jenny McCarthy and convince them both to be vetrinarians.”

    I don’t know if I’m dyslexic or maybe just a little drunk but I read that title as “convince them both to be vegetarians.” which I think is also a worthy cause and maybe a little easier than getting into vet school.

  55. SEO is not for pussies. But you are right, that’s not how it works, stabbing is how Technorati works. You have to beat SEO by quietly disappearing them, because stabbing would put their name in the news too many times. Like maybe starve Jenny Craig to death like Brad Pitt would do to her in Se7en.
    Sounds more fun than BlogHer. I’m in.
    Debbie (Does Dallas) (at least you got a song. I got porn.)(You are welcome to interview me about it for your column.)(I’m also a Cake and a Downer.)(FML.)

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..It’s what they reflect about us that fascinates us

  56. Is the Pope dead too? He haven’t twittered in ages. He must have chocked while eating kittens.

    Good fucking Jesus, this month is really sucking.

  57. Since you haven’t posted in a couple days (presumably you’ve died of AIDS, which you caught from the Mono), I needed to keep myself entertained and so I googled myself and found out that my Google Self is not only a famous artist, a cricket player and the assistant dean of a computer college in New Jersey, but my Google Self is also a talented spiritual healer and medium.

    Which is how I knew that you’re dead.

    Cat’s last blog post..Because I Care About Your Private Parts

  58. I’m the king of vanity searches. If you enter my name in Google, you’d think I somehow hacked the Intarwebs and forced them to display page after page of useless trivia about me. But that would be silly. No one would ever believe you. And I would kick your ass if you ratted me out.

    Kevin Tumlinson’s last blog post..Michael Jackson crashes the Web

  59. You should try having ‘jenny talia’ for a name
    I’ve given up googling myself
    It becomes depressing when an overweight drag queen from NY with the same name is listed higher than me
    Even MORE depressing when people that supposedly KNOW me, google me, and think that the pics of said Drag Queen ARE me
    Sometimes I wish my parents just called me Connie Lingus

    jenny talia’s last blog post..time travel

  60. I have a solution. I’ll go ahead and kill the Jennys. I was going to do it anyway, I’ll just move some people around. Looks like Jenny Jones gets a temporary reprieve. She so owes you one.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..I like being naked

  61. I just googled “bloggess” and you were the first one to pop up, if that’s any consolation. Unless, of course, there’s anyone else named bloggess who wants to be first on Google. Then you’re in big trouble, my friend.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Reminders

  62. I googled “Nameless Vagina” and came up with some interesting results.

    I probably shouldn’t have googled “Nameless Vagina” at work. I’ll finish this comment later, they’re escorting me from the premises.

    Please, my boss doesn’t even know what the internet is. Totally safe.

    Nameless Vagina’s last blog post..Coworker Number One: Super Annoying Coworker

  63. it could be worse, when I google myself I find a lot of court cases and prison records. No I am not a jailbird, but someone with my name is a total badass. And because I know that she will not blink at using violence against me I am refraining from going all stabby on her.

    mountainmomma18’s last blog post..Is crazy genetic?

  64. In reply to bic’s comment:

    “and if you were careful and never got caught, you could always Google ‘the jenny serial killer’ and bask in the anonymous limelight of knowing that was you right at the top of the fucking page.”

    it’s totally done now, thanks to you 😛

    So there you have it, Jenny–you are now the #1 Jenny serial killer

    Unfortunately for me, my name is also a common noun. If I search with my last name, though, there I am at the bottom of the first page! (thanks to Google profiles)

    Dawn’s last blog post..What Ive been listening to lately

  65. I just googled you and you were the very first entry – Good Mom / Bad Mom. Then there was something for Guy Kawasaki and you. Guess your fans were busy googling you. Wait. Was that your evil plan all along?

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