This post is free for you even though it cost me $300 to write it. You’re welcome.

So last week I drove 8 hours to my old hometown for my aunt’s funeral and then turned around and drove 8 hours back the next morning but it wasn’t too bad because first of all, I got to see my family.  Secondly, I got this dead bobcat thingie.  And third, during the viewing I was trying really hard to not look at the body because whenever I’m in the room with a dead person all I can think is that there’s a dead person in the room with me and I think the only people who aren’t constantly thinking that are probably psychopaths so I try to distract everyone who isn’t a psychopath by talking loudly  and cheerfully and I’m so focused on not saying “There’s a dead body in here with us” that I end up not really paying attention to what I’m really saying and that’s probably why this happened:  So I’m standing at the entrance of the dead body room with my grandparents, my uncle and my dad and my granny starts talking about she doesn’t read this blog because it’s too vagina-y and she prefers my mommy blog and then my dad tells her that he had the same problem reading my sex column at first but that the trick is that he just pretends that it’s not his daughter writing it and then he’s fine, but otherwise he’d spend the whole rest of the day trying to rationalize why his daughter now works in the sex industry and I’m all “It’s weird, right?  I think technically I’m considered an official sex-worker now.” and right as I said that one of the older relatives walks in the door and looks at me kind of shocked and I’m all “Well, that was probably not appropriate” and my dad just kind of shrugged and stared off into space and I think maybe he was pretending I wasn’t his daughter again and it seemed to be working so hopefully granny was taking notes.

BUT…the bad part of the trip was that I got a ticket for speeding and when the trooper pulled me over I was all “Would it make a difference if told you I was on my way to a funeral?” and he’s all “And 5:00 at night?” and I’m like “Well, technically it’s the ‘viewing’, but that counts, right?” and he’s all “No.  That wouldn’t make a difference” and he said it in this kind of rude way like he was thinking “She’s not getting any deader” which was inappropriate and also debatable and it kind of pissed me off especially since I’d been going like 130 on the highway and if I’d gotten stopped there I would have been all “Well, I totally deserved that ticket” but when this guy turned on his cop lights I thought I was going the speed limit and in fact, I was so far ahead of him that I totally could have outrun him if I wanted to but I thought that maybe there was an accident ahead and that’s why I pulled over to let him pass me because I’m a Good Samaritan AND THEN HE PULLS UP BEHIND ME TO PUNISH ME FOR BEING HELPFUL.  And then I told him all of this and he just gave me this blank stare and I’m all “And that’s why you shouldn’t give me a ticket.  Because I didn’t even know I was speeding.  NO ONE’S LEARNING ANYTHING HERE”.  And then he still gave me a ticket.  Except I think really the reason he gave me a ticket is that when he caught me speeding I was also taking a picture with my phone outside of the car window because I was going to put it on my blog to show you all what West Texas looks like and I think he thought that was unsafe but technically he couldn’t ticket me for that because we live in Texas and that’s how we roll.  Last month I was in California and my sister was driving and she wouldn’t answer her phone and I’m all “Stalker?” and she’s like “No.  I just can’t pick up the phone while I’m driving” and I’m all “Really?  You must be a terrible driver” and she’s like “No…I mean I’m not allowed to” and I’m all “What, like you’re grounded?!” and turns out that THE ENTIRE STATE OF CALIFORNIA IS GROUNDED.  Seriously, they can’t pick up their phones in the car.  That is fucked up.  In Texas we can buy booze and ammunition in the drive-thru and my sister isn’t allowed to use a fucking phone.  And I didn’t even ask why she didn’t have gun rack mounted in back window of her car because I assume shooting a rifle out of your car window is probably illegal there too but I guess that doesn’t matter to them because I didn’t see any deer in San Diego although I did see a huge ocean and it would be pretty awesome to spear-fish out your car window while you were driving by the pier except I guess your passenger would have to do it instead of the driver because apparently California is owned by communists.  Also, I was going to video blog this whole post while driving in my car just to prove a point to California but the only good video camera I have is the one mounted in my computer monitor and Victor won’t haul it out to the car for me because I think he’s still mad about the ticket which is going to be like $300.  I considered asking each of you to send me a dollar for looking at the picture I was taking for you when I got busted but then I figured it wasn’t worth the trouble to open 300 envelopes because I’m really lazy.  But I’m still going to show you the picture for free because I’m a very generous person.  Unlike the Texas Highway Patrol.  Who doesn’t care about dead people.  Apparently.


PS.  I don’t know why they call it “the viewing” because you get to view the body again at the funeral.  It’s more like the dead body preview.  When I die if I have a dead body preview I’d prefer it if they left my eyes open because I’ve seen pictures of me sleeping and I’m a really ugly sleeper. Seriously, it’s a look I can’t pull off.  Also, I’d like it if one of my eyebrows was raised as if to say “Well, I’m surprised to see you here” and the person previewing my body would read whatever they wanted into it.  Like, if they were all “Don’t be silly, I wouldn’t miss your funeral for the world” then you’d know that they liked me but if they got all defensive it’s probably because they were saying something bad about me in the parking lot.  It would be a good test to see who deserves to be in my will.  Except if I died right now I’d basically owe $300 so I think I’d just send a bill to the person who was the most defensive.  Also I’d bill them for the funeral and they’d probably feel better right after that because it would help assuage their guilt.  That way, even in death I’m helpful.

Updated: I know that traditionally there is only one comment of the day but I couldn’t choose because these all made me feel better and technically I often forget to do the comment of the day so I think this makes up for that.  Also, I’m still in mourning so I think I’m allowed to do whatever I want for another week. 

Comment(s) of the day:  

Dead body preview in itself a spoiler for the funeral. ~ William 

 At my grandmother’s funeral, the mortician kept hanging around us, nodding to my grandmother and saying, “She looks good, doesn’t she?” And we were all like, “Uh, NO, she’s freakin’ dead,” but we smiled and nodded to the guy anyway to make him go away. Anyway, while my wife and I were getting a breath of fresh air on the funeral home’s front porch, my buddy Bob arrived and while we were chatting, we told him the story about the overly friendly mortician. Bob’s response? “Next time he says that, you should grab him by the lapels, shove him up against the casket and shout, ‘You f#cked her, didn’t you?! Didn’t you?!!’” Ever since then, I can’t go to a wake without laughing my butt off. Which can be awkward, especially when everyone wants to know what you’re giggling over, and most people don’t think necrophilia is all that funny. Not that I do, but you know, in context and all …R in CT
Can’t talk and drive in WA either, except it’s only a secondary offense so they have to catch me doing something else before they can ticket me for it. But texting while driving is a primary offense, but I figure it only applies to those who are bad at it so I’m in the clear. ~ KatjaMichelle
So the other day my boyfriend and I were driving past this funeral home, and I just start laughing and I’m like “When I die, I totally don’t want to go that whole casket route. I think I’d rather be sitting up in a chair like greeting people as they come in!” Eventually we decided I should also be wearing sunglasses and then maybe hook up some animatronics so that I could look like I was playing my cello, with the stipulation that they have a Yo-Yo Ma track, or some equally awesome cellist playing the background. I mean if people are going to remember me playing the cello they should at least also believe I kick-ass at it. ~ GhtoPrincess

My crazy mother hates it when people look at her, so she made us promise to either have the casket closed OR put her favorite t-shirt on her . The t-shirt says “What the hell are you looking at?” And on the back, which of course wouldn’t matter, unless they come up with some sort of rotisserie casket option, it says, “Stop following me asshole.”  My mom is the bomb. ~ D

 True story- my dad was speaking to my mother in law at my father in laws funeral and said “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!” He felt like shit afterwards even though no one really liked my FIL anyway ~ tena 
Viewings are icky but cremations aren’t all that great either. I accidentally spilled some of my mom’s ashes and then had to vacuum up my mom. We’ve moved twice and I’m kinda tired of lugging this vacuum bag around that I can’t throw away since it has some of my mom in it.Rikki


125 thoughts on “This post is free for you even though it cost me $300 to write it. You’re welcome.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m always scared that a cop is going to catch me while I’m trying to take a picture with my cell phone. The other day I had a close call when one passed me–I had just taken a picture of one of those trucks with nuts, except the truck was blue and so were the nuts (to match, I assume), but I thought it was really funny/really horrible that this truck was driving around with blue balls.

    It would have been worth the ticket.

    Maxie’s last blog know you had a good weekend when…

  2. WHen you die they should embalm you and mount you on a plinth. Next to Victor is he goes first, or they could just add Victor afterwards. And Hailey and the dog too. Like a stuffed ‘Bloggess and Family’ montage for a museum display.

    Wait a minute, AMAZING IDEA! Can they put animatronics in stuffed dead people yet? Like when they fused a new skeleton to Wolverine in the X-Men? They should totally do that.


    Meg’s last blog post..Good one Tim Burton. I already have nightmares about giant…

  3. If this is a sex column then I’m a nun! Just tell your family it’s Fiction. yea, the whole “viewing” thing really doesn’t make sense to me. I worry enough about what I wear. I don’t want to have to worry about that after I’m dead. God forbid family members would pick out my outfit. They’d probably put me in white pants after labor day with black underwear!

    Jules’s last blog post..5 REASONS WHY I LOVE “THE BACHELORETTE”

  4. I would gladly pay 5 dollars to you just for existing. Also, I am planning a trip to Dallas next month and would gladly give you the 5 dollars in person (no envelope) but my husband says #1, that’s stalking… and #2, Texas is bigger than I think. Which is entirely possible since I am really bad at geography. I once called him on the phone excitedly since there was a big sale on airline tickets to San Francisco. He was all, “Who cares, why are you bothering me at work?” and I pointed out that he could fly cheap to San Francisco and then drive the couple of hours to Dallas. It took him an hour to stop laughing once he realized that I wasn’t joking and thought they were right next to each other.

  5. California is filled with inane laws. But same in the UK. They can’t talk on phones and they pay a special tax to drive on their roads (or at least in London). It’s utterly retarded.

    Ania’s last blog post..Ha! I am SANE!

  6. At least you weren’t taking pictures at the viewing. My uncle did that at my Grandma’s wake because my Grandpa said he wanted to remember how she looked (gah!). So my uncle is snapping pics of my poor Grandma in her casket and then all the little great-grandchildren decide they want to be in the shot so now there are all these pictures out there somewhere of my dead Grandma and a bunch of kids making silly faces in front of her casket.

    I wish I were kidding. Truly I do.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Please Don’t Make Out With My Cat

  7. Okay that last part totally made me think “Dead Body Movie Trailer” and I was doing the movie guy voice in my head: “In a world… where people die… and viewings are uncomfortable….lives a man .. who is hero to many…”
    And then I couldn’t think of a Superhero…just your Dad.
    So when are you calling me on your way home from work again? Be glad you don’t live in California or you wouldn’t get to talk to your crazy Canadian friends all the way through stop and go traffic.

  8. Set up an account or some magical internet way to pay you so I can send you a dollar. You totally earned it.

  9. My whole country won’t let you drive while you’re on the phone. I wish I could say I was once stopped, or I was once pulled over, but the truth is that I was once stopped in gridlocked traffic and answered my phone and a policeman came over. He was like “Can I have your phone number?”and I freaked out because I thought he was hitting on me. Then I worried about whether giving a fake identity to a policeman hitting on you was a crime. Then I wondered why he was hitting on me, since I was 19 and had my niece and nephews in the car with me, and there were lots of other cars stopped to pick up women from, with less screaming children in them, if that was what you fancied (the women, not the children).
    It turns out they ask you that so that they can check your phone records and you can’t pretend you weren’t on the line when they ticketed you. I should have given him a fake number. Damn cute policeman, faking-picking-up fake-teen-mothers…
    (ps. I’d send you a dollar, but my dollars are only worth about $0.80 and the postage would cost more)

  10. I can’t believe anyone would say your blog is too vagina-y. You haven’t written about vaginas in quite some time. I’ve actually been going through vagina withdrawal. Not that I was ever addicted… I just happen to believe that the world can never have too many vagina stories, or fart jokes, or Helen Keller jokes, such as:

    Q: Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away?
    A: You would, too, if your name was AAAEEEEAUUUUURGGHH.

    When I die, I would like to have the mortician preserve my face into a perma-smile. Sort of Mona Lisa-esque and mysterious. Then people would be like, “WTF is she so happy about???” It would drive them nuts, like when a little kid dances around singing, “I know something you don’t know,” over and over again. But in reality I am smiling because I got out of paying $65,000 in student loans. Suck it, creditors. SUCK. IT.

  11. Were you in Childress, Texas? Because that place is a bitch. I got a ticket driving through there for going two miles an hour over the speed limit. TWO. And the cop made me get out of the car and I was worried he was going to try to play a game of hide the night-stick and I was going to have to kick him in the nuts and then I would get arrested for assaulting a police officer in CHILDRESS, TEXAS and no one would ever find me.

    But really I think he just wanted to scare me. Job well done, Officer.

    shine’s last blog post..It’s Friday, we should break up – Donte Stallworth, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Terrell Owens, and pretty much anyone who’s ever been a Raider.

  12. We’re grounded in the state of NY, too. Though they haven’t gotten around to grounding us for tweeting and driving, which I’m pretty sure is worse than talking and driving. Turning around to yell at your kid and driving is also pretty bad, but they haven’t grounded us for that yet either. Oh, and I’ll send you as many dollars as you want.

    Stephanie Smirnov’s last blog post..Remembrance of Popcorn Past

  13. i would totally send you a dollar just to get your address and hide out in your bushes and stare through the windows of your computer room with your little blithe dolls, and toys your dad made you out of dead animals. and also i would even bring along some new dead animals for you to adorn your room and bushes with, and that and a dollar are great reasons to be my friend instead of getting a restraining order, dontchathink?

    britt’s last blog post..aisha tyler thinks i deserve $100 but is too busy directing films to play online scrabble with me

  14. I don’t think I’ll send you a dollar, as I have to pay for my husband’s speeding ticket. His was only $110.

    I can rival you for most awkward behavior at a wake (or viewing, whichever you prefer). At my dad’s wake, my boyfriend’s parents showed up, and I told them to come and meet my mom. Then I said, “Well, I’d introduce you to my dad, but, you know, he’s not exactly talking right now.” Aaand while we were talking to the funeral director about the requirements for my dad’s funeral, my mom was going on and on about something that she absolutely needed to have done…so my sister and I looked at each other and said “Well, it’s YOUR funeral” and then fell about laughing hysterically. There’s worse, but it makes me cringe too much to discuss.

  15. You can’t talk on an actual phone here while you are driving. You have to bluetooth or use OnStar which is probably just as distracting but at least you have both hands on the wheel (unless you are me and are constantly changing XM stations). They won’t pull you over unless they see a phone. If they see your mouth moving, they assume you are singing or crazy (seriously, said so in the newspaper). There is no law (yet) against singing and the officers feel that it would be awkward to pull someone over and discover they just can’t sing well. Of are crazy – that might require further action and they just don’t want to go there.

    I’m okay with viewings though I think they are weird. It’s the eating thing after burials that flips my tummy over. All you can eat funeral dinners are wrong at certain level.

    annie’s last blog post..Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers’ Day

  16. I’ve already told my kids that when I die, I don’t want them to stick me in the ground. I want them to take me to a taxidermist and preserve me in a sitting up position, wearing golf attire, with my eyes open. That way, my kids can take turns having me over at dinner, Thanksgiving, that sort of thing. I can even ride in the car on family trips. Would that lessen the dead body effect?

    My problems aside, I am truly sorry for your loss.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..Canine-bilism

  17. i’ve been thinking about it, and now if i bring you money and carcasses and for some reason you are NOT excited about it, you can find my address through my blog, or IP address, or some other CSI shit, so now i can’t come. and if you happen to see someone in your bushes with roadkill and a fistful of dollars and wearing one of those pairs of black glasses and the big nose and mustache, it’s totally not me and just a strange coincedence and probably you are just seeing things.

    britt’s last blog post..aisha tyler thinks i deserve $100 but is too busy directing films to play online scrabble with me

  18. Holy shit that bobcat thing is awesome. I live with two guys, and we have all sorts of silly shit around our apartment. Like Hannibal Lecter dolls – that talk!

  19. I would totally send you a dollar via paypal but it would be a Canadian dollar which is suffering an inferiority complex and only worth like 86 cents to you and would totally screw up your count and your lovely round numbers. If I sent you $1.14 it would totally screw up my count. Nobody wins that way. And since I am Canadian and we have weird gun control laws that require our government to spend lots of needless money on a gun registry which doesn’t work anyway, I would be much more interested in seeing a picture of someone going through a Texas drive-thru to purchase guns and booze.

    melistress’s last blog post..Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels

  20. That’s what I like about you, Jenny. You’re such a helper.

    I refuse to do viewings. I mean, why would anyone want their last image of someone they cared about to be a mannequin-y version of that person? One of my nieces worked at a funeral parlor for a while as a make-up artist. She has stories. Very inappropriate stories.

  21. The best thing in the world would be a funeral with a person with their eyes open. I’m making my will. Today. Right now. “Both eyes must be open, one eyebrow raised in an inquisitive or accusing look”.

    My family thanks you, Jenny.

  22. At my grandmother’s funeral, the mortician kept hanging around us, nodding to my grandmother and saying, “She looks good, doesn’t she?” And we were all like, “Uh, NO, she’s freakin’ dead,” but we smiled and nodded to the guy anyway to make him go away.

    Anyway, while my wife and I were getting a breath of fresh air on the funeral home’s front porch, my buddy Bob arrived and while we were chatting, we told him the story about the overly friendly mortician. Bob’s response? “Next time he says that, you should grab him by the lapels, shove him up against the casket and shout, ‘You f#cked her, didn’t you?! Didn’t you?!!'”

    Ever since then, I can’t go to a wake without laughing my butt off. Which can be awkward, especially when everyone wants to know what you’re giggling over, and most people don’t think necrophilia is all that funny. Not that I do, but you know, in context and all …

    R in CT’s last blog post..centerchurch1.jpg

  23. Next time use the “I’m about to shit my pants!” excuse if you get caught speeding. It’s the only thing that will make them so uncomfortable that they will let you go.

    If you get caught using a cell phone on a military base they haul you in and do a full body cavity search. Happened to my husband– but maybe they just thought he was cute.

    Yellow Trash Diaries’s last blog post..Just a Quickie

  24. Can’t talk and drive in WA either, except it’s only a secondary offense so they have to catch me doing something else before they can ticket me for it. But texting while driving is a primary offense, but I figure it only applies to those who are bad at it so I’m in the clear. Also facebooking while driving and tweeting while driving so far not against the law as far as I know (I haven’t actually read the law) so I figure if I get pulled over I’ll just say, “But officer I wasn’t texting I was tweeting” and then he’ll have to not give me a ticket. right?

    KatjaMichelle’s last blog post..PETA has lost its mind

  25. My man and I were just talking about death and burial plots and stuff like that. And he didn’t know that now they have these special plots where you can be buried on TOP of the other person. My gramma’s gonna be put on top of grandpa.

    I hope I die last, unless they put my man face-down in the coffin. Or else, I’m sitting there in my box, and “my box” is getting no action from my man’s butt that’s on top of it. At least, if he’s face-up, and I die last, we can do it from behind.

    Cuz people in heaven have sex. I’m sure they do. Although, people on earth who talk about having sex in heaven probably don’t GET into heaven. So I’m screwed. or–er—NOT screwed.

    Debbi’s last blog post..Yay Or Nay- June edition

  26. First, I want to know where I can buy ammunition while still in my car.

    Second, California is nuts, man. They’re just driving cell phone users underground, and soon there will be this while bootleg culture like the gin joints during prohibition, and all the heavys will move in and the whole state will turn into some kind of mafia paradise.

    Third, sorry you had to be in a room with a dead person. But on the upside, it gave Haley Joel Osment a career.

    Kevin Tumlinson’s last blog post..20 percent time — or "Never forget the gopher flies"

  27. I got all excited that you were in West Texas because yay! you’re like, near me! only, I’m in East Texas, and then I remembered you’re always in Texas normally anyway, I only need to get excited when the tweeps from like, Maryland or California or Indy or Canada are talking about being in Texas, and even then it doesn’t do me a lick of good if they’re in West Texas and I’m in Dallas. And besides, I didn’t even find out about it until afterward.


  28. I live in CA (Orange County to be specific). You’re right about the communists. It pisses me off that no one else has noticed. One good thing about Calif … I got pulled over for speeding a couple weeks ago. I flashed my DD cleavage and the cop, after a good long stare, let me go. My boobs saved me $300 so clearly it’s better to live in CA. Except I just had a boob reduction and now I’m only a size C and I may never get out of a ticket again. What do you think?

    Twenty Four At Heart’s last blog post..Football and Vaginas Don’t Mix

  29. I’m not a fan of dead body previews. I’m a fan of setting the dead body on fire and then keeping the incinerated remains in a tidy little box.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Monday Thoughts

  30. You are also now a 411 column — information, you know. We are going to be in California next week; so now I know to duck down whenever I use my phone. 🙂

    Meryl’s last blog post..Elie Tornado

  31. I think you should have asked for a photo op with the officer. Seeing as how you obviously wanted one, speeding, hanging out the window with your camera phone, and all. He probably gave you the ticket because he was offended you didn’t ask for a picture with him.

  32. Do I need to come there and teach you the Art of Using Cleavage to Get Out of Sticky Situations? Come on now, your a sex worker. Own it!

    LizzB’s last blog post..Fat….a Farewell

  33. Ok, I was a paramedic for 10 years and spent quite a bit of time with dead people and people on their way to being dead. Never bothered me for some reason.

    But put me in a room with someone I know who’s dead and I got big problems. I keep thinking they’re gonna sit up and move or something. Freaks the shit out of me. Maybe its my whole fear of zombies or something.

    And how the fuck fast were you driving anyway??? $300.00 – $150.00 admin fees = $150.00 div by $5.00 per hour over = 30 mph over the limit is pretty freakin fast considering you were probably on the highway with a posted limit of 70mph. wow. Shit. Doing 100mph here in Florida will get you an automatic stay in the pokey untill you post bail.

    peedee’s last blog post..Wonder Dog

  34. My gramma won’t read my blog either! Oh, wait. Maybe ’cause she’s hanging out with your
    aunt on the other side of the “preview”!!!!! Well, here’s to your aunt and my granny and your daddy, when he’s admitting to THAT little fact!!!!!

    Great story!

    mysuestories’s last blog post..No Soap Suds For You!!!

  35. I misread one of the comments above and thought they were recommending cleavage AT your viewing, and I thought *awesome* idea!

    You would either (a) really leave them something to remember you by or (b) torment them forever by making them feel horrible for looking at your splendiferous rack while you’re dead. I’m totally doing that.

    And your photo sure is purty. That’s how you spell that there, right?

    harmzie’s last blog post..Four

  36. Your sister is probably the only person from California obeying the law. I see people on their phones all the time and driving like holes… In fact I would probably be typing this from my phone right now if I was shackled to my desk. But I can totally type and drive.

    Sorry about your aunt.

    I wish my inlaws wouldn’t read my blogs – I totally have to censor myself so they don’t get all “worried” or ask my poor husband questions about wth I am talking about.

    When I die I am going to be made into a reef. There is a company that cremates you and makes you into a reef (pets too!) and loved ones and people who are all irritated and judgey that you aren’t having a funeral can take the boat out to watch the reef get dropped.

  37. I’ve already told my Hubster not to have my mouth sewn shut. I want it open with a huge cheese smile so my family won’t see a somber face and be all weepy and shit.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Don’t Bug Me

  38. I’m thinking that a Paypal account in the name of your speeding ticket would likely earn you WAY more than $300.00, since you’re an internet sensation. Also: the picture is gorgeous (even if it’s not in focus). I’m glad that you showed everyone the majesty of West Texas, while simultaneously telling them how badass it is to talk on the phone in the car and hunt out the window. *sigh* I love Texas….

    Courtney’s last blog post..Change will do you good

  39. So the other day my boyfriend and I were driving past this funeral home, and I just start laughing, which, of course, is a completely inappropriate response. He’s all “What so funny?” And I’m like “When I die, I totally don’t want to go that whole casket route. I think I’d rather be sitting up in a chair like greeting people as they come in!”

    Eventually we decided I should also be wearing sunglasses and then maybe hook up some animatronics so that I could look like I was playing my cello, with the stipulation that they have a Yo-Yo Ma track, or some equally awesome cellist playing the background. I mean if people are going to remember me playing the cello they should at least also believe I kick-ass at it.

    GhtoPrincess’s last blog post..I need better stories about where our stuff came from, and then new friends who will believe those stories

  40. Viewings are icky but cremations aren’t all that great either. I accidentally spilled some of my mom’s ashes and then had to vacuum up my mom. We’ve moved twice and I’m kinda tired of lugging this vacuum bag around that I can’t throw away since it has some of my mom in it.

    Rikki’s last blog post..pygmy jerboa

  41. So, I’m reading this after talking to a cop friend of mine who lives in west texas talking about a crazy lady who tried to get out of a speeding ticket. But I doubt you passed through Olten on your way. But if you did, I might totally know the cop. But I’m pretty sure you didn’t because olten is north of Lubbock and from Austin to Lubbock it’s like, 7 ish hours and you’re further, so I doubt you were in Olten. But if you were…. then my friend Scott totally thinks you’re hot. But probably not. 🙂 I’m from Lubbock, so I know the area. Sorry, had to comment.

  42. Next time you’re in San Diego, can I stalk you?

    Yes, our state IS owned by commies. But we like the beach, so whatever.

    I would totally send you a dollar… but I’m too lazy.

    Sugar Jones’s last blog post..Violence Unsilenced

  43. I prep dead bodies for funerals for a living and having your eyes open with one eyebrow raised is not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen people request. I would totally do that for you.

    danelle’s last blog post..R&R

  44. Jenny,

    Please set up a PayPal account just for your blog and let us know the e-mail address you are using to receive the PayPal contributions. Then all someone has to do is go to their PayPal account, click the “Send” tab for sending money, fill in the amount and your e-mail address and click to approve the transaction. You will receive an e-mail notification of the contribution. When you log onto your PayPal account, you can either use the money there to make payments by PayPal, or have them transfer the money to a bank account you specify.

    It’s a wonderful feeling when your readers validate what you have done for them with your writing by sending money. I recently added the “Buy Me Coffee” plug-in and some of my readers shot past coffee and bought me lunch. It was great!

    Please get a PayPal account where we can send you money and let us know your PayPal e-mail address.



    Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian’s last blog post..What Letterman is doing is mobbing, not humor — today’s action to FIRE DAVID LETTERMAN targets sponsor Johnson & Johnson

  45. Hey Jen, not to poop your party, but West Texas looks very much like Central Texas (minus the hill country) and North Texas and Lower East Texas. I was kinda disappointed. Not gypped, mind you, ’cause a free pic is a free pic. Maybe it was your shutter speed made West Texas look like pretty much all-the-other Texas. Maybe it was your shutter speed what tripped the cop-o-meter. You should fight it. Send the judge that picture and write on the back, “See, I wasn’t even IN West Texas!” I bet they drop the charges.

    jeff’s last blog post..Snub at your own peril, BO

  46. When I die I always thought I wanted to be cremated, except if I died under mysterious circumstances because I want the authorities to be able to exhume my body if they have to to catch the motherfucker who murdered me. Which, let’s face it, isn’t that unlikely to happen given the number of people I’ve pissed off so far.

    But now I’m thinking that I’d like to be stuffed, preferably in a sitting down position (because I am lazy) with a big smile and giving the thumbs-up signal. Because the thumbs-up can be taken in a lot of different ways, like either “Hey, great job! Good for you!” or the sarcastic “Hey, great job, boner,” or “Stick this thumb up your ass” or something like that, and I bet you can really tell a lot about a person by which one of those meanings they assign to my dead-stuffed-thumbs-up sign. So it would be like a fun experiment.

    Maybe you can talk to your dad, and see if he’ll give me a discount or something?

  47. I seriously have to stop reading your posts at work. I can’t control my laughter. Not good fora pregnant lady…

    Troopers can be hard asses…I know, I’m married to one. Sorry about your ticket.

    And California thinks that everyone needs to be babysat by the gov’t. It’s sad…and it’s spreading to other states. WA is almost as bad.

    castocreations’s last blog post..Raising Awareness

  48. Did you ever know that you’re my hero? For reals. This is some funny shit. Some day you’re going to get me in trouble at work for laughing myself into an asthma attack in the morning when I’m supposed to be checking my work email.

    As for us Californians, it’s true, we can’t talk on cellphones OR carry guns without special permits OR pepper spray. So basically, if you’re attacked in your vehicle you can’t defend yourself or call for help. I think we’ve taken being individualistic a bit too far.

    Anna’s last blog post..Now all I need is a walker and some tennis balls and I’ll be set

  49. My crazy mother hates it when people look at her, so she made us promise to either have the casket closed OR put her favorite t-shirt on her . The t-shirt says “What the hell are you looking at?” And on the back, which of course wouldn’t matter, unless they come up with some sort of rotisserie casket option, it says, “Stop following me asshole.”

    My mom is the bomb.

  50. When I die, I’d like to be propped up and driven through that drive thru liquor store. With a rifle in my hands. Cause that’s how we roll in Texas.

    Oh, and Flatonia rocks. Ever been to Muleshoe…? 😉

  51. If he was behind you traveling in the same direction he did not get you on his radar. He paced you. And that is hard to do. I would fight the ticket. What a good blog post that would be. Go in there and tell them the story and after they get through wetting their pants laughing I bet you get out of it.

    Coco’s last blog post..AND THE NOMINEES ARE

  52. i live in texas and my mother tries to be all “responsible” with her phone while driving BUT she only cares if there’s a cop present. you’ll be on the phone with her and she’ll say “becky*! hold on!” but the last part will be all far away and then you’ll hear a clunk. then! ten minutes later she’ll be like, “still there? i had to throw my phone because i saw a cop.” then i’ll say, “this is texas!” and then SHE’LL say, “i don’t know about that… i’m being careful.” and then I’LL say, “texas, mother.”

    anywho, texas state troopers will, if given the opportunity, ticket their grandmother. they’re ruthless.

    *except if YOU were on the phone she might say “tb”

    mylittlebecky’s last blog post..eVile yoga part duh

  53. When my great grandmother died, my grandparents and I were standing in the ‘official greeting line’ when my boyfriend (now husband) walked past. My grandmother’s friend asked, “Who’s that handsome guy?” To which my grandmother responded, “OH, he’s Amy’s new boyfriend. You should see him with his clothes off.”

    I think she attempted to explain that she meant ‘casually dressed’ but I was laughing too hard and fell over the casket.

    My great grandmother would have appreciated it though.

    amo’s last blog post..I couldn’t love you more than this.

  54. Would a Canadian dollar be an insult cuz I would totally do that. PS I think you should fight the ticket cuz he was taltally stalking you and that is a crime too right?

  55. Death, funerals, wakes, #whenIdie
    Texting while driving.

    These go together like ham and….and…funerals

  56. When my great-grandmother died the mortician said how peaceful she looked and my grandma said they did a lovely job and how her mom looked like she did before she had her strokes and I agreed and said, “Yes, she’s very life like.”, my grandma just shook her head and walked away. But really, she did look life like for being dead. It was a compliment.

  57. Seems to me, as long as you don’t say, “I think technically *she’s* considered an official sex-worker now,” it’s not all that inappropriate. It’s just the dead body playoffs, after all, not the funeral, and you’re the sex worker, not the body. Your body, not her body. Maybe, unless you can work her into your advice column. then you’d be making her a sex worker, too, and that might be a bit inappropriate.

    Naptimewriting’s last blog post..IJ quote of the day

  58. People would sooooo give you money if you asked for it. but only because you’re awesome!

  59. My grandmother in law always told us to make sure she had her glasses and hearing aid on in the casket just in case, so she could hear what was being said about her.
    As for me, I told my kids I want to be cremated and put into fireworks and shot off into the ocean at my favorite beach. My son asked if I was leaving the money to pay for it. Of course, I said. He replied, well I’ll get you an M-80 and keep the rest of the money, you’ll be dead, you won’t know.

  60. I went to my parents house one night, and my dad and step mom were sitting on the deck talking about my grandfather’s funeral. In front of him. He is kind of a letch, so they decided it would be funny to rig his arm to grab all the women’s asses and then setup a recording that said “Wanna hop in here with me?” And they wonder why I drink.

    Erratic’s last blog post..Infested and Irrational

  61. Hilarious and awesome post. Thanks for being you in all your ranting glory.

    Your story reminds me of my grandpa’s viewing. I took a look inside the casket and wanted to know who did my grandpa’s death make-up because they kind of made him look like a trannie crammed into a nice suit. Then my mom came around and handed me and the rest of the grandchildren paper money to put into the casket with grandpa per Chinese tradition. They had some mandarin looking guy on the front but at the top they say “Hell Bank Note.” We were perplexed and somewhat agitated, because we didn’t want grandpa to go to hell, especially looking like a trannie. I think us grandchildren decided that the money was used for bribing the demons to leave you alone as you made your way to the underworld. The demons would then deposit their bribe money at – yes, this makes sense now – the Bank of Hell. (If you know much about the Chinese, this sort of makes sense.) Then came the actual awkwardness of trying to figure out *where* in the casket to put the paper money. So we put some in his jacket pockets and under his hands and off to the side. We finished and my cousin says, “hm, grandpa is looking kind of…gangsta.” She was right. He looked like a trannie gangsta stackin G’s. Mom didn’t tell us where to put the money, and as it turned out, we did it wrong. It was supposed to be out of sight. Oh, sorry, I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to jam my hands underneath my grandpa’s corpse and tuck away all his demon bribe money. By this point, it was way too surreal to be awkward anymore. At least we had dim sum afterwards.

    Hope you’ve found your peace grandpa.

  62. New York is grounded, too, and that is totally stupid because the stupid governor can’t even see us talking on the phone, but he makes us not be able to talk on the phone while we drive. It’s just one of those dumb rules he made up one day while he was on the can, all because he’s jealous of us, because that guy isn’t even allowed to drive. He just makes rules about US when we drive and that is totally discriminating against normal people, and I’m just shocked the ACLU isn’t all over that like flies on a pile.

    pamela’s last blog post..the miracle of the miracle blanket

  63. When my father died, my best friends from work sent flowers…the card read “WAY TO GO!” It turns out that the florist mixed up my order with an order for a senior graduating high school.

    Your blog keeps me laughing!

  64. I’m glad your aunt survived her funeral.

    That really didn’t come out right. . . . I was trying to say that I am glad she was successfully mourned and respectfully decomposed.

    Silly me——I thought all Texass troopers were vulnerable to blowjob bribery.
    Did you forget this elementary social tradition by chance . . . . ?
    And you have to admire the costume as foreplay—-they think they’re really handsome specimens in their police suits. Afterwards, they give you the ticket.

  65. Yes, here in the UK it is illegal to hold or use a mobile telephone whilst in control of a motor vehicle on the public highway. The reason for this is perfectly logical – Holding and using a cellphone HAS MORE EFFECT ON YOUR REACTION TIMES THAN BEING MILDLY DRUNK. Now, this might be fine in Texas where the roads are infinity miles long and ramrod straight, and all you’re likely to hit is the odd steer or Klan member (Have I got that right?), but here in the UK where the roads are only 3 feet wide and have a mandatory right-angle turn every 150 yards, banning cellphones saves lives.

    Although I agree with the earlier commenter that paying extra taxes to use the roads in the UK is indeed ridiculous

    Oh, and sorry to hear about your aunt and all those psychopaths.

  66. Just watched a Reno 911 where one of the cops (the crazy one or the “best” one) asked that a VCR tape be played in a loop. And the monitor be placed above the coffin. On the tape she says things like, “Hellooo. So nice you could be here. Looovely to see you here.” That would be an awesome compliment to your eyes open, eyebrow cocked pose.

    Lotta SVOBODA’s last blog post..Old Money Vintage Glass Drop Pendant

  67. Did you cry when you got the ticket? Sometimes tears help – although I have never been able to get out of a speeding ticket by crying. But I *do* cry. For real. It’s so lame.

    And then the last time I got a speeding ticket was in Toronto, and I didn’t have a lot of spare cash at the time so I asked this friend of mine who used to volunteer with the police if it was true that if you contested the ticket and the officer didn’t show at the hearing, then the ticket was written off, and he said yes, but the police get paid overtime or something to attend those hearings, so it’s not likely that the cop wouldn’t show… but I figured, what the heck, it’s worth a try. And my hearing was booked for, like, sometime months and months after I got the ticket, so at least it bought me some time.

    Then I decided to move away from Toronto, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to attend the hearing because I was going to be living in another city by then, and god knows what they would have done about my ticket if the police man showed and I didn’t, so before I moved I went in to the courthouse to pay the fine and they asked if I wanted to barter down the amount or something, and I was like, Okay sure. So an hour later I left the courthouse after having paid only half of the ticketed amount. I totally recommend you try that route if you think it might work in Texas. Plus while I was waiting at the courthouse I chatted up this really cute Jewish guy, except he disappeared when I was in seeign the justice of the peace, so maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

    Oh, and when I was in session or whatever they call it with the justice who was this frighteningly stern black woman she told me to TAKE THAT GUM OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT AWAY and I kind of freaked because there were signs all over the place about not chewing gum in the courtrooms and I totally meant to take my gum out before they called my name but then they called my name and I totally forgot to throw out my gum so when she yelled at me (okay she didn’t really yell) I totally SWALLOWED my gum with this really loud noise so that she would know that I swallowed it and wasn’t just hiding it in my mouth waiting to piss her off again.

    So basically, if you go to court to contest the ticket, don’t take any gum with you. Just saying.

    Michelle Lynne Goodfellow’s last blog post..yard sale-ing

  68. I don’t have a camera on my phone (GASP! SHOCK!) but I am occasionally guilty of texting while driving, except that I don’t think it’s really texting if I can do it without even looking at my fingers while I’m doing it, basically I’m just thinking while driving, and not even Barack Obama can stop me from thinking.

    Cat’s last blog post..Under Construction

  69. When I die I want to totally steal the idea of the guy in the Bay Area whose friends stood him up in a corner with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. The only way anyone would know I was dead would be because I wasn’t talking a mile a minute.

  70. I prosecute cases in a few places in West Texas (incidentally, in which county did you get your ticket??), and I once prosecuted a guy who got a ticket at 7:00 p.m. while driving a semi-truck with a loaded trailer claiming to be going to a funeral. I might have felt sorry for him and dismissed the ticket, except that he got another ticket 4 hours later going the other direction, after his trailer had been unloaded.

    (BTW, when you call the court, you should ask for the deferred disposition option. That way it won’t go on your driving record.)

  71. It was in Concho County I think, right before Tom Green. Totally doing the deferred disposition thing though. I didn’t even know that was an option.

  72. You know the difference between God and a state trooper, right?

    God doesn’t think he’s a state trooper…

  73. Your problem is that you should have saved the “official sex worker” line for the trooper! I always found Texas cops to be particularly flirtable. When I lived in Texas, I got pulled over probably 7 or 8 times, but never actually got a ticket. It’s amazing what a bored state trooper will let you get away with if you show enough cleavage or tell him how cute he is in his uniform, or ask if you can touch his gun.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..The Great Frownie Experiment

  74. When my granny died, my aunt got into a fist fight right by her casket because she wanted to stay in with my granny a little longer but one of the “mountain relatives” thought it was time for her to leave, so she tried to physically remove her. I guess maybe she didn’t know my aunt is a brown belt in karate and also carries a gun in her purse. As they tumbled to the ground, and my aunt commenced to punching her, it was kind of surreal. Later on, at the wake, my aunt was like, “What’s that bunched up around my waist?” and we were like, “I don’t know, Rocky”, so she hiked it up and found her slip. Then she worried not that is was maybe odd she whipped someone’s ass at her mother’s funeral, but that we saw her undies. Yeah, funeral’s are weird.

    Candance’s last blog post..I Got a Contact Executed and then Everything Came Crashing Down

  75. Okay, here’s my funny funeral story. My oldest sister had twin babies, neither of whom survived because they were very premature. (no, that’s not the funny part.) So we are at the funeral for the first baby and my other sister and I were sitting directly behind my oldest sister and her husband whom we don’t like. First funny/offensive thing is my stinkin’ BIL is sucking down a bottle of Coke in the middle of his daughter’s funeral mass, (wonder why we don’t like him?) Second, when he goes to pick up the tiny little casket, the lid kind of popped open a little bit and we were concerned that the body would fall out, then he walks/struts down the aisle, carrying it like it was a beer cooler. Third and best, the sister I was sitting next to and I had sort of worried that we hadn’t brought enough tissues for us since we knew we’d start crying. In the middle of the mass, she looks at me and starts fanning a tissue, trying to dry it so we didn’t run out. You know how hard it is not to bust a gut laughing in the middle of a funeral?? Even with the bereaved sister and the Coke swiller sitting just inches in front of you? We hoped it just looked like we were overcome with emotion and were just crying really hard. LOL

  76. You should write more. Like now. Really. I hate when I read your blog, then it’s over and I have to go back to my life. Really. Archives are good, but I’ve been through them all. (OK, not really). Two posts a day please.

  77. I don’t like going to funerals, but that might be because I am from Louisiana and there funerals are not so much a time to mourn the passing of a person and more of a get together for the old people to congratulate themselves on not being the next to go.

  78. You should have told the cop you were hoping to make it to the viewing before the resurrection. He probably would have let you go.

  79. Got an ugly ticket that I want to get out of. My friend turned me on to a free site, (no email needed, they make money on advertisements) on how to get out of a speeding ticket. It has a pretty funny video and I downloaded the pdf, and it looks pretty cool. I am going to try it out. It is Let me know what you think… Bert

  80. No. 18….you are superfly awesome….

    I once got stopped in a stupidly small town for speeding and got a $400 ticket. This town was one that Extreme Makeover fixed up a home and then the people just turned around and sold it for tons of money. Moronies.
    After reading “Cemetary Stories” by Katherine Ramsland I do not ever ever ever want to end up at any type of funeral home. Just bury me in the backyard. Or someones backyard if I still ive in an apartment. Or somewhere near the apartment would be cool, too. Seriously. After reading what some people do with dead bodies (and I ain’t talking about just necrophelia) nobody is allowed to touch me.
    And what really sucks right now is that I have a funeral to go to tomorrow for my husbands grandmother. I hate hate hate funerals. But since he went with me to my grandmothers funeral two months after we started dated I feel that it is my turn.
    I am so gonna get creeped out.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Guess What Time It Is? It’s Time For TMI THURSDAY!

  81. In this state, $300 is what you pay for a DUI. Now that I would understand.

  82. This blog made me laugh none stop. I love the part about the cop AND being dead and having your eyes open with the eyebrow. Cause my mom and two older brothers(along with me) raise our eyebrows, so it would be funny at our funerals to do so.

  83. I love you, Jenny.
    My friend’s mom died and was cremated. His dad decided to move back to Ohio from FL and put his mom’s urn in the trunk of his car. So dad’s driving around with his dead wife in the trunk, even after he’s moved in ’cause he hasn’t gotten around to completely unpacking the car. The car gets stolen and some “hoodlums are joy-riding around Columbus” with my friend’s dead mom. Pissed the kids off royally. So finally the cops find the car abandoned. The family then has to go pick mom up from the impound lot. Local paper does a feature story on it and dad gets his 15 minutes of fame. No shit.

    Jean’s last blog post..Our last "Cupcake Friday"!

  84. That happened to me once. I was on my way to WACO, to see my cheating boyfriend for Homecoming. I wasn’t going very fast, in fact everyone around me was driving at least 20 mph faster than me. But I had the moronic stupidity to tell the cop I was “on my way to a dance” at a Baptist university. Where dancing is not allowed. Then I ended up chipping my tooth when the boyfriend cracked me in the jaw with his head while dancing at a bar on the outskirts of that fine university, then totalled my car when some woman went through a flashing red and hit me in an intersection. Crappy weekend all around. The ticket should have been an omen for me to turn the hell around. And break up with the cheater.

    Sorry about your aunt. Funerals suck.

    WineWonkette’s last blog post..The Complaint as a Gift: A Tale of Three Wineries

  85. Comment 19 says it all.
    Always run from the law in a backwards town.
    I saw the movie. It never ends well.

  86. Here in the UK they are considering banning the use of satnav on phones in cars because it’s still your phone. And yet real sat nav is way more distracting because it doesn’t work as well as Google Maps.

    You also get into trouble for smoking in your car if you have kids in the back.

    Not that it stops anyone from doing either.

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