So last week I drove 8 hours to my old hometown for my aunt’s funeral and then turned around and drove 8 hours back the next morning but it wasn’t too bad because first of all, I got to see my family. Secondly, I got this dead bobcat thingie. And third, during the viewing I was trying really hard to not look at the body because whenever I’m in the room with a dead person all I can think is that there’s a dead person in the room with me and I think the only people who aren’t constantly thinking that are probably psychopaths so I try to distract everyone who isn’t a psychopath by talking loudly and cheerfully and I’m so focused on not saying “There’s a dead body in here with us” that I end up not really paying attention to what I’m really saying and that’s probably why this happened: So I’m standing at the entrance of the dead body room with my grandparents, my uncle and my dad and my granny starts talking about she doesn’t read this blog because it’s too vagina-y and she prefers my mommy blog and then my dad tells her that he had the same problem reading my sex column at first but that the trick is that he just pretends that it’s not his daughter writing it and then he’s fine, but otherwise he’d spend the whole rest of the day trying to rationalize why his daughter now works in the sex industry and I’m all “It’s weird, right? I think technically I’m considered an official sex-worker now.” and right as I said that one of the older relatives walks in the door and looks at me kind of shocked and I’m all “Well, that was probably not appropriate” and my dad just kind of shrugged and stared off into space and I think maybe he was pretending I wasn’t his daughter again and it seemed to be working so hopefully granny was taking notes.
BUT…the bad part of the trip was that I got a ticket for speeding and when the trooper pulled me over I was all “Would it make a difference if told you I was on my way to a funeral?” and he’s all “And 5:00 at night?” and I’m like “Well, technically it’s the ‘viewing’, but that counts, right?” and he’s all “No. That wouldn’t make a difference” and he said it in this kind of rude way like he was thinking “She’s not getting any deader” which was inappropriate and also debatable and it kind of pissed me off especially since I’d been going like 130 on the highway and if I’d gotten stopped there I would have been all “Well, I totally deserved that ticket” but when this guy turned on his cop lights I thought I was going the speed limit and in fact, I was so far ahead of him that I totally could have outrun him if I wanted to but I thought that maybe there was an accident ahead and that’s why I pulled over to let him pass me because I’m a Good Samaritan AND THEN HE PULLS UP BEHIND ME TO PUNISH ME FOR BEING HELPFUL. And then I told him all of this and he just gave me this blank stare and I’m all “And that’s why you shouldn’t give me a ticket. Because I didn’t even know I was speeding. NO ONE’S LEARNING ANYTHING HERE”. And then he still gave me a ticket. Except I think really the reason he gave me a ticket is that when he caught me speeding I was also taking a picture with my phone outside of the car window because I was going to put it on my blog to show you all what West Texas looks like and I think he thought that was unsafe but technically he couldn’t ticket me for that because we live in Texas and that’s how we roll. Last month I was in California and my sister was driving and she wouldn’t answer her phone and I’m all “Stalker?” and she’s like “No. I just can’t pick up the phone while I’m driving” and I’m all “Really? You must be a terrible driver” and she’s like “No…I mean I’m not allowed to” and I’m all “What, like you’re grounded?!” and turns out that THE ENTIRE STATE OF CALIFORNIA IS GROUNDED. Seriously, they can’t pick up their phones in the car. That is fucked up. In Texas we can buy booze and ammunition in the drive-thru and my sister isn’t allowed to use a fucking phone. And I didn’t even ask why she didn’t have gun rack mounted in back window of her car because I assume shooting a rifle out of your car window is probably illegal there too but I guess that doesn’t matter to them because I didn’t see any deer in San Diego although I did see a huge ocean and it would be pretty awesome to spear-fish out your car window while you were driving by the pier except I guess your passenger would have to do it instead of the driver because apparently California is owned by communists. Also, I was going to video blog this whole post while driving in my car just to prove a point to California but the only good video camera I have is the one mounted in my computer monitor and Victor won’t haul it out to the car for me because I think he’s still mad about the ticket which is going to be like $300. I considered asking each of you to send me a dollar for looking at the picture I was taking for you when I got busted but then I figured it wasn’t worth the trouble to open 300 envelopes because I’m really lazy. But I’m still going to show you the picture for free because I’m a very generous person. Unlike the Texas Highway Patrol. Who doesn’t care about dead people. Apparently.
PS. I don’t know why they call it “the viewing” because you get to view the body again at the funeral. It’s more like the dead body preview. When I die if I have a dead body preview I’d prefer it if they left my eyes open because I’ve seen pictures of me sleeping and I’m a really ugly sleeper. Seriously, it’s a look I can’t pull off. Also, I’d like it if one of my eyebrows was raised as if to say “Well, I’m surprised to see you here” and the person previewing my body would read whatever they wanted into it. Like, if they were all “Don’t be silly, I wouldn’t miss your funeral for the world” then you’d know that they liked me but if they got all defensive it’s probably because they were saying something bad about me in the parking lot. It would be a good test to see who deserves to be in my will. Except if I died right now I’d basically owe $300 so I think I’d just send a bill to the person who was the most defensive. Also I’d bill them for the funeral and they’d probably feel better right after that because it would help assuage their guilt. That way, even in death I’m helpful.
Updated: I know that traditionally there is only one comment of the day but I couldn’t choose because these all made me feel better and technically I often forget to do the comment of the day so I think this makes up for that. Also, I’m still in mourning so I think I’m allowed to do whatever I want for another week.
Comment(s) of the day:
Dead body preview in itself a spoiler for the funeral. ~
At my grandmother’s funeral, the mortician kept hanging around us, nodding to my grandmother and saying, “She looks good, doesn’t she?” And we were all like, “Uh, NO, she’s freakin’ dead,” but we smiled and nodded to the guy anyway to make him go away. Anyway, while my wife and I were getting a breath of fresh air on the funeral home’s front porch, my buddy Bob arrived and while we were chatting, we told him the story about the overly friendly mortician. Bob’s response? “Next time he says that, you should grab him by the lapels, shove him up against the casket and shout, ‘You f#cked her, didn’t you?! Didn’t you?!!’” Ever since then, I can’t go to a wake without laughing my butt off. Which can be awkward, especially when everyone wants to know what you’re giggling over, and most people don’t think necrophilia is all that funny. Not that I do, but you know, in context and all …R in CT
Can’t talk and drive in WA either, except it’s only a secondary offense so they have to catch me doing something else before they can ticket me for it. But texting while driving is a primary offense, but I figure it only applies to those who are bad at it so I’m in the clear. ~ KatjaMichelle
So the other day my boyfriend and I were driving past this funeral home, and I just start laughing and I’m like “When I die, I totally don’t want to go that whole casket route. I think I’d rather be sitting up in a chair like greeting people as they come in!” Eventually we decided I should also be wearing sunglasses and then maybe hook up some animatronics so that I could look like I was playing my cello, with the stipulation that they have a Yo-Yo Ma track, or some equally awesome cellist playing the background. I mean if people are going to remember me playing the cello they should at least also believe I kick-ass at it. ~ GhtoPrincess
My crazy mother hates it when people look at her, so she made us promise to either have the casket closed OR put her favorite t-shirt on her . The t-shirt says “What the hell are you looking at?” And on the back, which of course wouldn’t matter, unless they come up with some sort of rotisserie casket option, it says, “Stop following me asshole.” My mom is the bomb. ~ D
True story- my dad was speaking to my mother in law at my father in laws funeral and said “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!” He felt like shit afterwards even though no one really liked my FIL anyway ~ tena
Viewings are icky but cremations aren’t all that great either. I accidentally spilled some of my mom’s ashes and then had to vacuum up my mom. We’ve moved twice and I’m kinda tired of lugging this vacuum bag around that I can’t throw away since it has some of my mom in it. ~ Rikki