UPDATED: Hi, I suck

in no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Random Crap

I was going to post more this week but I’m in West Texas with my family and my sister is here too with all her kids and we’re in one small house with 8 people, one shower and too many goats and it’s very distracting.

I was going to write yesterday but then my cousin showed up and she wanted us to relive our childhood memories so we ended up going to the whorehouse.  True story.  There’s an awesome picture of us at the whorehouse in full whore regalia that would fit here perfectly but it’s on my sister’s camera and she can’t find the cord to download it so this shitty post is all her fault.  Then we went to the bar next door and the bartender showed us where the underground tunnels to the whorehouse used to be and then he introduced us to his dad at the bar and his dad started to going on about how hot the bartender’s mom was and then he shook his head and angrily said “But I FUCKED THAT ALL UP” and I couldn’t stop laughing because this is my home, y’all.

Then we went back to my parents house and my dad was all “Well, no one got molested today so I’d say it was a success”.  And it’s hard to argue with that for many reasons.

But if you need a fix of weird and can’t wait till I have pictures  you should go read my latest advice column about whether it’s okay to watch those shows on TLC about limbless people and dwarves who look like trees or todays (relatively safe for work) sex column about stuff I wonder about porn stars, which are both totally new this morning because I am a professional.

PS.  My mom wanted me to clarify that the goats are outside.  They don’t live here in the house with us.  I’m not sure why I have to clarify that but then I re-read this post and I guess that goats sleeping at the foot of our beds wouldn’t be that strange comparatively.  So yeah, the goats don’t live in the house with us.

PPS.  Victor stayed home so if you try to break in to our house you will get a lot of dirty clothes and an assfull of samurai sword.

PPPS.  Spellcheck is trying to convince me “assfull” is not a real word.

PPPPS.  Okay, there’s now a goat in the house.  Or maybe a small pony.  Something very loud and clompy.  I’m just going to stay in my room until it’s gone.  I swear to God I am having such childhood flashbacks right now.  Except that my kid is out there so I feel a little bad about hiding in my old bedroom but I think those are happy screams so it’s probably all good.  Or possibly my next post will be very tragic.

PPPPPS.  The screams have died down and I hear giggling and running.  I suspect my father just dumped a bag of live ducklings on the living room floor for the grandkids to chase down.  This is exactly what happened last time we were here.  It’s sad when shit like this becomes old hat.

Updated PPPPPPS.  Okay, here’s the picture of us at the whorehouse.  To get it we had to take a photo of my sister’s camera screen with her cell phone and then email it to another one and then save it to the laptop and now I have cancer.    I hope you’re all happy.

whorehouse3

PPPPPPPS.  Photo credit to the girl with magnificent cleavage at the whorehouse who just yelled at me in the comments section even though I have cancer.

PPPPPPPPS.  Fine.  I don’t really have cancer.

PPPPPPPPPS.   Okay, I might have cancer.  Or the flu.  Feels like a cold.

Weirdly educational comment of the day:   What you REALLY need to know is that when you use the term “old hat,” you’re really saying “vagina.” Actually, “old used vagina.”  PROOF: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=old+hat ~ Miss Rosa

116 thoughts on “UPDATED: Hi, I suck”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. After reading this I really wish someone would come dump a bag of live ducklings out in my living room for me to chase down. Is that weird?

    Erin’s last blog post..Nesting

  5. Where is west texas. Cause I’m sitting in west texas right now and I don’t see you!

  7. Ooooh I am going to be in San Antonio in a week, for a conference. Is the whorehouse anywhere near that? That is in approximately west Texas, isn’t it? I have never been to the great state of Texas so I am unfamiliar. But I would love to check out a whorehouse, you know, for blog fodder. And I am pretty sure a bag full of ducklings never gets old.

    MidLifeMama’s last blog post..Treadmill death watch, day 2

  8. Are the goats for eating or for pets? Like, will you be blogging about fried or baked goat next week?

    Goats have pretty scary eyes, too. Nightmarish even. Something’s seriously up with their wonky pupils. No eye-to-eye contact, Jenny.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Now I Have 2 Lady Parts

  10. I’m actually in Wall, Texas. It’s Westier than San Antonio. Also, I know that some people will say it’s not West Texas but it totally is.

    I think the goats are for pets, eating and taxidermy-ing. My family is big into multi-tasking.

  18. OK, there is much that I do not understand. I guess that’s OK.

    It doesn’t matter. You just have a way of making me want to be you–with the goats and all. We don’t have any goats or baby ducks or taxidermy when I go home. There are big rats on the roof that you have to throw tennis balls but they’re not friendly and you can’t even pet ’em.

    I’m pretty sure everyone wants to be you right now.

    Anyway, has your family always lived there in that same house?

    ozma’s last blog post..Crazy Dictator Month: Depressing Edition

  20. i love how the erin above wants a bagful of live ducklings dumped in her living room so that she can chase them around, and the last post she wrote is titled nesting.

    but i guess dumping a bagful of dead duckinlings in the livingroom of a pregnant woman would just be mean.

    erin’s last blog post..so long, farewell…

  23. Wow, how can I convince my parents to move to the countryside, and form a relationship with a duckling-monger? My life will be complete if I can watch my kids chase birds around a dining room.
    Thank you for re-aligning my goals!

    Jessica’s last blog post..New Launch: On Hold Messaging

  28. I’m disturbed by the fact that I read about the goats and then read the “they’re not in the house” disclaimer and then went back and re-read the first bit and thought “yeah that TOTALLY sounds like they’re in the house” BUT it didn’t faze me on the first read-through. Like my subconscious was all “yeah, yknow, so put goats wherever you want. No biggie”.

    My conscious parts are saying “WTF is wrong with you??? NO goats in the house”. I think that’s why I’m married. So those answers are clear before they become issues like that. I married my conscience. Fortunately it was in the body of a fairly handsome & smart dude. Things might have been awkward otherwise. Like if he had been ugly.

    harmzie’s last blog post..Cool Stuff From Last Week – Part II

  29. I wish my kids had the opportunity to have goats in the living room and chase live ducklings around the house. But alas, as a city boy, the best they can hopeful is chasing roaches or maybe rabbits in the woods next to my apartment (small woods, small rabbits). Your family sounds awesome. My dad’s from East Texas and they did similar things when they were kids.

    For those of you not from Texas, it’s about 900 miles from East to West and you could be in West Texas and be 400 miles from someone else in West Texas. It’s a BIG state.

    Bolie Williams IV’s last blog post..Breakfast of Losers

  30. I wish I had your childhood. It would have been hard to explain but it would have been a lot of fucking fun. Um, I mean really awesome fun. Not *that* kind of fun. Or maybe it was *that* kind of fun. I mean you did go to a whorehouse to relive the old days.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..I think my hangover is finally gone

  31. I have a friend who has broken me pretty well of saying “you suck”. Whenever I said it to her, she said “Yes, and quite well”.

  36. First of all, I take offense. You do NOT suck! But then again, I’m easily offended, so don’t listen to me. My friends all know I’m full of crap, which is why I must get regular touch ups to cover the blond roots. I can’t let new people in on the secret too soon, ya know? Wait! How did I get from being offended to talking about my hair? Oops! I’m sorry if I offended you by talking about me. My bad.

    Secondly, being back in your childhood home is a good thing. I imagine it reminds you of how you started writing in the first place along with things you always wanted to write about but never got the chance/totally forgot about/blocked out/etc. It’s a good thing the goats are outside (for the most part). Sharing your bed with goats would totally suck. You would get in a fight over the covers, but you would never win, cuz they would freakin’ head butt you and put your ass in the hospital (goat – 1, you – 0). I’m sure that your daughter is having the time of her life with the goats and the ducklings. Don’t you just look forward to the day when she will come to you and say, “THIS explains a lot Mom…..A LOT”? I frequently wake up in a cold sweat dreading that day myself (from my childen, not yours). But then I down a 40 & pass back out. I’ll deal with it later. LOL

    uthostage’s last blog post..Mondays are just not good days to try to make me think.

  37. So, let me understand this. In the house you live in, there is “a lot of dirty clothes and an assful of samurai sword” (*ouch*) and in the house you are visiting there is “a goat (or maybe a small pony) and a bag of live ducklings”. I’m beginning to understand how you got to be the way you are.

    Interesting. In a “this should *totally* be on it’s own Reality TV series” kind of way.

    ~EdT.

    EdT.’s last blog post..Check This Out!

  40. What exactly constitutes “full whore regalia”? When I think of a whore dressed in her work clothes, she’s naked.

  42. I’m from Tennessee, and this post totally reminds me of the few years when we lived in east Tennessee. It’s a little too close to Appalachia for comfort out there, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I mean that I once caught two of my cousins making out on the couch at my Granny’s house after I came back inside from (inexplicably) taking a shit behind the house in a drainage ditch. Then my cousins and I went out to crack walnuts by playing “baseball” with a big stick, using the walnuts as “balls.” It’s really efficient, feel free to try it sometime.

    shine’s last blog post..TMI Thursday, if you’re a boy.

  43. Since you have goats I have a question for you. Do goats bite? I know they kick and like head butt but do they actually bite? Does it hurt? Maybe you should go bite a goat to see if it bites back, just don’t tell PETA because they’ll be all like ‘that’s animal cruelty and it’s wrong’ but you can just say ‘it’s for scientific research assholes!”

    LB @Wait, She Said What?’s last blog post..Road trips are just like insane asylums – they’re better when you’re drugged.

  45. Ducklings? Damn, some kids got it all. My grandparents gave us cotton spools to play with. They saved them for us. If I were back in my childhood now, I’d say “Gee, thanks, but you know I can build better towers with blocks, and also some ducklings wouldn’t go amiss. Jenny’s kids in the future get ducklings (or possibly bag-o-goats, I’m quite stoned so can’t remember) so why can’t we?”

    I remember there was a mouse once. And ants. My god, the ants! So many ants. But mostly they weren’t as welcome as a sack of goats would have been.

  47. I considered clicking the pornogoat link. But then realized it would probably block me, since I’m at work. So I thought, “I need to remind myself to check the pornogoat website when I get home.” And then it hit me what I was actually saying.

    Funny thing is, I’m neither into porn nor goats, so this blog is really bringing out the best in me.

  48. Je-sus Cheee-rist. That goat porn link is like a car wreck. Just gotta look, then your sooooo sorry. shit. Bet my puters all infected and shit now.

    Anyone thinking of clicking the link: DONT GO INTO THE LIGHT CAROLANN!!!! Unless your a guy, then go right ahead.

    And your family is totally wierd. But so is mine, so I guess that makes us even? Not like its a race or contest for the wierdest family in a blog or anything. Now that I think about it more, yours probably wins. Hands down.

  50. My mom had goats once… and there was a billy goat, and his name was even Billy.. and that goat was an asshole- he would always try to eat my then-3 year old’s clothes, hair, fingers… whatever he could get his grubby goat teeth on- I would always tell him if he didn’t behave- I was going to eat him…

    He made some tasty sausage 😛

    Potty Mouth Mommy’s last blog post..Decisions… decisions…

  51. “Well, no one got molested today so I’d say it was a success”

    Suddenly I have a whole new standard of judging a bad day. Maybe today wasn’t so bad… a success even? Your Dad is just a tad wrong on so many levels. So is it wrong that he totally makes sense to me?

  53. Oh good. You are out there in dustbowl land. ‘Cause this ladee came into the salon today and totally requested me and she had never been there before but she totally looked like you, based on your pictures and videos that is, and she had a huge rack, but I didn’t really know if you had a huge rack, and she had a self described tiny head and was telling me about how she has to buy Tommy Hilfiger (sp?) sunglasses because I dropped hers and broke the lens out and she got a super cute bob and made me wish that I had hair like hers and then I totally thought it would suck if it were you in Atlanta and I didn’t recognize you but then I figured you wouldn’t be in Atlanta anyway on account that you are all super-famous-blog-writer-and stuff and her name wasn’t Jenny unless she was using a moniker like Angelina Jolie does when she checks into a hotel. I think her name was Kim. I can’t remember.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..TMI Thursdays: Where are you from?

  56. You’re in Wall? I thought I recognized that whorehouse. Come on into San Angelo tomorrow night and see Sex Slaves (but not sex slaves) at the Deadhorse. You can call it research for your other blog.

  57. When I was a little girl, my best friend Kaysie had a pet goat named…Goatie. We used to sneak her into the house when her parents were having cocktail parties and Goatie would wander around sipping the tops off all the highballs people left sitting on the floor. Then she’d get drunk and pass out and snore.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..O Canada

  58. Damn, when I lived in Texas, people just thought it was weird when I told them that their was a bull in my front yard that just appeared while my mom and I were bringing in groceries. This on the other hand is just a new level of oddness.

    Amy’s last blog post..New Earrings

  59. How can you be so friggin’ funny, and still think you’re ‘phoning it in’? Jealous of your wit, and possibly your whorehouse get-up (will know for sure when I see the pictures). Thanks for making me laugh!

    Natalie’s last blog post..Could You Be…

  61. Is it sad that I’m guessing you are in San Angelo because I’ve been to that whorehouse….

  62. My husband had an aunt who would drop off livestock periodically with notes for the kids to enjoy it or them, but really she was just fecking with her sister. I guess the livestock usually lived in the house in some capacity until they were afraid it wouldn’t fit out the door. All I want is chickens and I’d totally make a coop thingy for them outside. Eventually. But noooooo.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Summer Entrepenuers

  64. What a trip you are on, in more than one sense! Going to a bar next to a whorehouse sounds like a great experience! I really want to visit West Texas some day; have read about it extensively in Larry McMurtry’s novels. Have a good visit!

    Coast Rat’s last blog post..Happy 41st Anniversary, Blond Girl!

  65. Is there still a sign coming into town that says, “Marvin Zindler is not welcome here”? I wouldn’t necessarily expect it since he’s been dead since 2007, but maybe it’s been changed to , “Marvin Zindler’s ghost is not welcome here.” Oh, great. Now I’m not going to be able to get, “Marvin Zindler…Eeeeeye..witness News” out of my head. Thanks a lot.

    ChimaeraLaurie’s last blog post..Poppies and lupins and a bridge?

  66. Well thanks for not mentioning me (or my cleavage) in your post about, I guess I’m not supposed to disclose your location, that place you were in West Texas. Its fine of course, I mean you only told me that you would mention me, I have no idea why that led me to believe you would mention me. I guess I’m just deranged. Don’t you attract my people anyway? Well whatever, but next time you decide to take a walk down memory lane don’t expect me to offer witty insight and knowledge, because I simply won’t.

  67. HA HA HA!!!! My husband always rolls his eyes when I force him to listen to me reading funny blogs out loud, but I HAD to read him this one…..and OF COURSE your questions about Porn Stars…..
    We BOTH AGREED NO ONE is funnier than you!!!
    ROCK ON!!!! You couldn’t suck, if you tried!!!

    Agent DragonFly’s last blog post..Left Overs or ‘To Go’ Item??

  70. BTW- Our tour guide was AWESOME….and she had some serious cleavage. She totally rocked. Jenny should have mentioned that….but she didn’t….I did….because I’m a better person than she is. Just saying.

  71. I was in Big Spring 4 weeks ago (yes, it really WAS a planned vacation stop, albeit a short one – stop that is, vacation was long – I digress). Anyway…I’m pretty positive that I saw the family goats wandering the front 9. If they weren’t yours, then all I have to say is there are an assful of goats wandering the Texas landscape!

  72. Dude i do not know where is West Texas you are (or for that matter where west Texas is), but I have to ask the question no one seemed to ask yet. Was it, in fact, the best little whorehouse in Texas. Was the guy in bar Burt Reynolds crying over a gone Dolly Parton, cause she was totally on the View the other day. I know this cause I was talking to my mom on the phone and she actually said “Oh, got to go, Dolly’s on the view” and we’re yankees.

    mountainmomma18’s last blog post..Is crazy genetic?

  76. Your posts tend to make me feel better about myself. Just moved home to upstate new york and had to battle with a rooster today to try to get to the bathroom. He was basically non-threatening, but he was in my way and was giving me that look like “I could kill you with my talons just by thinking about it, so watch the fuck out”. And yes, I do mean that a rooster was walking around our kitchen and standing in the hallway/blocking the bathroom door. It’s not Texas, but you might not notice the difference.

  77. I’m pretty sure that excessive effort to upload a photo doesn’t give you cancer, just warts. Although maybe that was the whorehouse.

    This one time, I went to Denton, TX for a drama tournament (yeah, they have those, don’t you love how they make an exercise in pretending to be someone else sound like a sporting event? Like, I was totally *wrestling* with my character’s motivation and that’s why I got this fine trophy with the comedy/tragedy masks and “Third Place” engraved on it, because it MADE ME SWEAT) and two other members of our Thespian club went and made out on some hills near the college where we were competing and because it was Texas of course they got chiggers. Then they had huge red bumps where any elastic had come into contact with their skin and I really hope that they didn’t have any elastic in, like, their birth control or anything in case they didn’t just “mess around,” as we called it back in the day, and then they went onstage and pretended to be Helen Keller and her brother while NOT scratching, which was probably their best performance ever. Now they probably look back on that tourney with pride. So insects burrowing into your skin isn’t always a bad thing. Maybe that’s what you have instead of cancer.

    ajnabi’s last blog post..Bachna Ae Haseeno, or, Payback’s (Two Pushovers and) A Bitch

  78. Now I feel compelled to dig out the photo of me and a couple girlfriends dressed up as old-timey whores that was taken at Silver Dollar City in the Ozarks…. ah, to be 17 and classless. Oh, wait. Did you say the picture just got taken a few days ago? Whoops!

    😉

    Amy la bitchin’ esposa’s last blog post..Thousand Word Thursday

  79. My husband just told me there are a lot of whore houses here in Texas and I was all “How the hell would you know?” and he was all “Hey, read Jenny’s post to me again! I just love her! Goats! Ha!”

    Nice try, Mr. Man.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Enter The Mullet Giveaway Today!

  80. I feel your pain. When I was in college, we lived right next to a pig farm. The smell was bad enough to knock over a goat. Thank goodness we never ended up with any wayward oinkers in our living room!

    Ginger’s last blog post..Wild Summer Nights

  84. Ok, it’s not hard to do this, but your life is soooo much funner than mine. And anyone else I know. I’m just jealous all the time of all the fun things, seriously, a whore house! Fun!

    Donna Hansen’s last blog post..8th Grade Stories

  86. “Way too many goats” are present? I feel compelled in inquire, precisely what is the correct number of goats? Is there an ideal ratio of guests to goats when entertaining? All these years I’ve felt my parties were lacking something. Also, I do not want to criticize the hosts of a pending Independence Day gathering unless I can do so with a duly informed opinion.

    Demonweed’s last blog post..What You Should Think About Balance

  87. Well, John Cleese has chickens wandering around his house — http://www.cleeseblog.com/2009/02/25/chickens/ — so you having goats clomping around or ducklings running through the dining room…not so strange anymore, is it? After all, if someone as tall and as English as him can do it, I think that means we all can.

    Except I can’t, because I only have a small apartment, not a house. Also, I’m on the third floor, so there would be a lot of stairs for any potential hooved or web-footed creatures to climb. Not to mention the multiple doors they would have to unlock and open first, and sometimes I can barely handle all of that, and I have opposable thumbs — they are firmly opposed to all sorts of things, actually — so I’m not sure how a goat or a duckling would get up here, really.

    Maybe I should forget all of that and just invite some whores over and chase them around for awhile…

    Miss B’s last blog post..Pills & Ice Cream & Other Magic Things

  91. Do people usually get molested in West Texas? Do people who break into other people’s houses in Texas usually get dirty clothes? Because, really, all I’d have to do is wash them and then they’d be perfectly fine. That’s what I do with mine anyway. The Samurai sword is another problem entirely. However, if you hung the Christmassy bobcat skull on the door I bed no one would bother you. Ever. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses.

    alison @ cluck and tweet’s last blog post..

  93. Oh my god! You went to Miss Hatties! I live in San Angelo!! And, I saw the comment from the lady who is going to San Antonio, that is totally not in west texas. It always makes me giggle when someone has never been to Texas and can’t grasp how big it truely is.

  95. Maybe you should provide the goats with their own shower outside.

  96. Nothing like this happens when I go home for a visit. Of course, lately when I have been home it’s because someone is dying. Whore houses are probably more fun than that.

    annie’s last blog post..#friday flash

  97. Jenny,

    You wrote, “my cousin showed up and she wanted us to relive our childhood memories so we ended up going to the whorehouse”.

    Seriously I LOFF that sentence but it begs the question(s) A. Were you a whore as a child ? and/or B. Were you merely a whorehouse customer as a child?

    And either way shouldn’t know where the tunnels were unless of course you caught some skanky disease like syphilis which is eating your brain. That might explain forgetting where the tunnels were AND why you’re feeling sickly. I would suggest antibiotics but since they’re “overused” and leaking into the food supply and probably would somehow get to the goatsmilk or the ducks pond water, perhaps you could just try a splash of arsenic instead ? Apparently it worked for Isak Denisen. Remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…

  98. Hey! My sister lives in San Angelo… in fact, so close to Wall, that is where my niece goes to school! And they aren’t even Hispanic or Catholic- weird, huh?
    Where is this whore house you speak of?! I must let my sister know but I won’t tell her husband, the cop 🙂

  99. Wall, Texas? Wow. You are seriously in BFE. But I don’t think it’s odd for everyone in Texas to have at least one side of their family living in BFE. My mom’s side is from Pearson’s Chapel in East Texas (they claim Kenny Rogers is from there, but I think they have been in the wilderness too long.) And my dad’s side is from Miami in the Panhandle. (For you non-Texans, that’s pronounced My-YAM-Uh). And my grandfather was a taxidermist. But I still don’t think I can out-redneck you. My hat’s off to you.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..what i like about texas

  102. happy fourth of july! and happy anniversary!

  103. This post reminded me of my many trips to my parents when they lived in East Texas and raised goats which were so cute when they were little kids but then got gross when they got older and smellier and had poop pellets stuck to their butts. One Christmas, seven of us spent it in the 5th wheel while the double-wide was getting put together and I got a giant neon pink flamingo as a present which I loved! Good times! Also there was a time when the fire ants invaded the bathroom and ate all the toothpaste and covered our tooth brushes and, when they were done, they attacked the bird feeders outside made of suet. East Texas rocks!

  104. OK, seriously Jenny, you need to strike while the iron is hot. Jon & K8 have NOTHING on you – your Reality TV show would so totally kick theirs’ ass it ain’t FUNNY!

    Now, break out the videocam and start recording.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..A Political Lesson Best UN-Learned

  105. Okay….100+ post comments. That seems to be the time when we get a new post. We’re waiting.
    ::shoe tapping::

    Oh and Happy Fourth of July. Do you like to blow shit up too?? Your family sounds like the type.

    peedee’s last blog post..Days Gone By

  106. She’s from texas.
    Blowing shit up there isn’t a tradition once a year. It’s a way of Life.
    I blow up watermelons on the Fifth of July.

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..Fifth of July

  107. I live in South Texas and while there aren’t any ducklings or goats in the house, our neighbor has 3 sheep and a goat in their backyard and there are some ducks that like to hang out on the roof of our other nieghbor’s shed. The ducks used to hang out in a tree in our backyard but I think I laughed at them too many times and they moved because they would be in the tree and I would go outside and it would scare them and they had a tendency to fly right smack into the side of the neighbor’s shed. I think I saw stars flying around their heads a few times just like in the cartoons. They are weird ducks too. Instead of quacking, they kind of whistle. I guess that’s why they are called black-bellied whistling ducks. And they have bright red feet. And from what my father-in-law tells me, they would rather walk for a mile than fly. Yep, weird ducks.

  108. Okay, I have, over the last few days, been obsessing over your article on Sexis on questions about porn stars, and some of the questions it raises. Since I can’t figure out how to post a comment there, I will do it here. Since I am starting Weight Watchers today for the 212th time, I decided that I should try to figure out exactly how many Weight Watchers points were in a serving of semen. Not that I’m likely to ingest any semen any time soon, because I’ve been married for 15 years, but it just seems like something to know. I happened to mention this question to my friend John yesterday at church. And he just happened to be a font of knowledge. Apparently, he took a medical course in college that taught him all sorts of weird sex data. He says that there are 35 calories in an average serving of semen. He did not, however, have any details re: exactly how large an average serving is. He did say that it was high in protein and sugar. Who knew? So, using my handy Weight Watchers point counter, I estimate a serving of semen to be 1 point. Well within my diet! Good Lord, I could even have two servings!

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Fireworks

  110. Pingback: I almost forgot to mention the dead bear in the backyard. That’s what kind of post this is, y’all. — TheBloggess.com

  113. Was the whorehouse Ms. Hattie’s? I spent two godforsaken years in San Angelo, and in that entire time, that was the only whorehouse in West Texas I was made privy to.

    (It totally was ~Jenny)

  114. I’m fairly certain you’re as awesome as you are because you grew up this way. My own kids had their little pony in the kitchen on Sunday morning (And we’re not even in Texas, we’re in Saskatchewan, Canada). You could see the pictures of that if you accept me on Facebook. A bag full of ducklings is totally fantastic, and cannon fire as family entertainment is also. You rock!

  115. I don’t live in TEXAS either. but there used to be a whorehouse around the corner here in the Adelaide HIlls which some sod in Melbourne called the most boring city in the world but really isn’t because there used to be a whorehouse around the corner and it might still be there but they aren’t advertising and sending the kids to wander the streets so I think they moved or got rid of the kids. they don’t have a dead bear in the backyard.

  116. How nice that your Dad entertains the young’ns with ducklings – all we got were live yabbies down our backs!

    P.S. Yabbies are like crayfish but smaller and live in ponds and rivers. And they nip like motherfuckers.

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Last high school dance.
Yesterday I was telling my friends that I have to take Hailey to the Blossom Culp stadium for graduation practice and they looked at me weird bc apparently it’s the “Blossom stadium” and I’ve been saying it wrong for years and I just realized that Blossom Culp was the heroine of Richard Peck book series I loved when I was little and had forgotten existed until now.
When the roles are reversed and your child tells you to go to sleep and then records you for their TikTok.
My pancake is sticking its tongue out at me and now it’s too human to eat.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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