You win this round, neighborhood watch program.

This is a conversation I had with my neighbor when I was bringing in groceries and it’s also why I’m never going to buy groceries again because my self-esteem can’t take it:

My next door neighbor: “So I guess you’re not going to the neighborhood watch program again tonight?”

Me:  “When is it?”

Neighbor:  “At 8:00.  Are you coming this time?”

Me:  “No.  I just wanted to know the best time to rob all your houses.”

Neighbor:  “…?”

Me:  “Not yours though.”

Neighbor:   “Thanks?”

Me:  “Dude. I’m just kidding.”

Neighbor:  *nervous laughter*  “Well I thought so but it’s kind of hard to tell with you sometimes.”

Me:  “I meant I’m just kidding about not robbing your house.”

Neighbor:  ?

Me:  “That was a joke too.”

Neighbor:  “I have to go now.”

Me:  “Cool.  Leave your door unlocked if you don’t want me to break a window.”

Neighbor:  “What?”

Me:  *sigh*  “Nothing“.

Then I came in and told Victor about the whole thing and he’s all “Well, I think English is a second language for her so she probably just didn’t understand you” and I’m all “No.  She totally understood.  She just doesn’t think I’m funny” and Victor was all “Sorry, honey, but not everyone is going to get you” and then I flounced down on the couch and Victor’s all “Do you still want to burglarize their houses?” and I’m all “Well, not anymore.” and he’s all “God, stop pouting.  It’s not a good look for you” and I’m all “Oh awesome. So now I’m not funny and I’m fat” and Victor’s all “I never said you were fat”  and I’m all “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE NEIGHBORS” and then Victor just walked away and I felt too bad to even walk next door and throw a brick through their window mostly because I couldn’t even find a brick but I placated myself by telling myself they probably didn’t have anything worth stealing anyway.

PS.  I still have more to write about embarrassing myself at Blogher but my head hurts so I’m putting it off until later, which always ends well.  Hey, remember when I wrote “My trip to Puerto Rico, Part 1” and I wrote it in April of 2008 and then I got distracted and I never posted anything again about Puerto Rico ever again? That was awesome.

Comment of the day: I would totally rob their houses with you if we were neighbors. Except instead of stealing their crap, we’d just swap it all around between houses. ~ Keeley

136 thoughts on “You win this round, neighborhood watch program.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. i would totally rob their houses with you if we were neighbours.
    except instead of stealing their crap, i’d just swap it all around between houses.

  2. Perhaps you could send Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, to the neighborhood watch meeting as your proxy. Your neighbors would probably totally get her.

  3. Jenny, my god, I’m so worried about you, because CLEARLY you are the one who is not understanding her. “Neighborhood Watch Program” is undoubtably code for “Ruin, Ruin, Ruin the House of Bloggess.” They are conspiring to get you, Jenny. It’s a big Anti Bloggess Conspiracy! They probably aren’t even meeting at 8. Maybe at 8:45 of something–she was just trying to trick you. I would file for an injunction and begin hoarding sacks of rice and lentils. This is getting ugly.
    .-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..BlogHer 09: Everybody Let Go, We Can Make a Dancefloor, Just Like a Circus =-.

  4. I think she was just trying to make sure you would be busy robbing other people’s houses, so she could sneak into your house and steal the funny. Oh, and I left the bricks on your back patio within easy reach of the chaise longue during the last N.W. meeting. I can’t believe you couldn’t find them.

    That was a joke.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Rangeela, or, Joint Review! =-.

  5. If you were my neighbor I’d set cookies on your front porch every morning and ring the doorbell and run and hide behind the bushes and then watch you open the door and be all “What in the ???” and I’d just giggle in the bushes because you have no idea that it’s me leaving you those cookies in the morning. It would be SO funny.
    .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..I Got Friends =-.

  6. Maybe you should have given her the option for a robbery? Who knows, maybe that’s her thing.
    Also, is it a robbery if you do it with a knife since stabbing is your thing?
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..7 Quick Takes: Yeah. =-.

  7. Anyone who doesn’t think you’re funny totally deserves to get burglarized. As luck would have it, I have a large stack of bricks right here. Just kidding. Maybe.

  8. Well at least you get to speak when you talk to your neighbors.

    My neighbors are all really old. And they’re chatty. I’ll be Hi! And they’ll be all, “Back in the day….” and I’ll still be there 20 minutes later. That’s when I’ll pretend that my cell phone rang, express regret that it’s an important call and then scuttle away. PRETENDING to talk into the phone to someone.

    Neighborhood watch meetings? That’s like all the time in our neighborhood. It’s a bit like Psycho on our street. Those old folks can spend hours staring out the window from behind closed curtains. It’s pretty freaky. You wouldn’t think that they can stand that long without leaving the window, but surprise! They can.
    .-= JChevais´s last blog ..Paris to Cuba =-.

  9. My neighbors don’t get me either. The last time I robbed one of them, all I got was some foot fungus cream, a strap on and a feather boa, all of which I wore the next time I gardened. I’m never invited to the neighborhood watch meetings.
    .-= Karyn´s last blog ..Happy Holidays! =-.

  10. I think if they have to guilt trip people into showing up for the meeting? That’s code for THIS MEETING PROMISES TO BE MIND NUMBINGLY BORING BEYOND BELIEF. If you do go, bring a bottle of Snapple but fill it with vodka. That’s the only way you survive a meeting like that. Also, if you skip the meeting, maybe go for a walk up and down the street a few times around 8, wearing all black.
    .-= Kimmers´s last blog ..Sometimes, Always, Never =-.

  11. You should totally go and put something in someone’s house during the meeting. I’m sure some idiot will leave their door unlocked, and while they might not notice if something’s missing, they’ll sure notice if you leave a bobcat skull with tinsel on their kitchen counter…

  12. New reader here. Your neighbors sound lame. Also, you probably would have felt better if you’d thrown the brick through the window. Always helps me. Just kidding. Not really.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..On the road again… =-.

  13. Wow I have been a lurker for a few months but that’s it I have been reeled in and I am hanging around frequently for life! Always good shizzle lol

  14. Oh crap! I spelled my own blog website wrong and it came up as someone else’s! Delete please and post this!!!

    New reader here. Your neighbors sound lame. Also, you probably would have felt better if you’d thrown the brick through the window. Always helps me. Just kidding. Not really.

    I need to go home and start this day over.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..How do I still not have one of these? =-.

  15. I’m the person without the filter that everyone hates in my neighborhood too.

    I did want to tell you that the most important lesson I learned from you in the humor bloggers session was that you edit down your posts- like half… wow! You should make a quilt out of all that leftover!
    .-= tena´s last blog ..The Details- Part 1 =-.

  16. Well at least your neighbor doesn’t water dirt to grow weeds. Then water weeds and act like it’s grass. And then MOW said grass, which is actually not grass, but really tall and healthy weeds, which spreads “weed seed” (sounds fun, spreading the weed seed, but it’s actually a pain in the ass) to all of our lawns. And then, after mowing it about twice, just lets it die so that all of the neighborhood can look at dead weeds, which have now turned to hay. And not even useable hay, or hay you can eat, or smoke, or do anything with! Just hay. But English is his second language, or maybe not even a language at all for him since he never says hi. So you try telling him all that!
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..The Perfect Afternoon Invitation =-.

  17. How did she not understand you? It makes complete sense to me to wait until people aren’t in their houses to break in and steal their stuff. Because if you did it while they were there, you’d get caught. Geez. Some people.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Location Location Location =-.

  18. Please tell me some sharp-eyed agent and/or editor has snagged (that’s an “n” there) you… No justice in the world otherwise!

  19. pfft, i laughed. out loud. like lol. several times. and my co-worker neighbor is all “really?” about it.

    yeah, i just had one of these moments with my boss. and then sulked back to my desk muttering how i hate feeling like i’m always in trouble.
    .-= angie´s last blog ..uncomfortable =-.

  20. I don’t have anything worth stealing. I sometimes hope someone will rob me just so I can prove that. They’d probably set my house on fire because they would be so angry that there was nothing to steal. But the joke would be on them because they couldn’t steal anything ha ha. Except I wouldn’t have a house. But at least nothing was stolen. Ha.
    .-= blueskies2day´s last blog ..Dream =-.

  21. We had a neighbor accost us and say, “You’re going to want to come to the neighborhood watch meeting on Tuesday.” It had a really menacing, threatening tone to the way she said it. My husband and I looked at each other nervously, and we were like, “Um, we will want to go? Really?” She made it sound like if we didn’t attend, we were going on the list of neighbors they suspected were the actual criminals.

    But yeah, I’m pretty sure my neighbors don’t have any crap worth stealing either.
    .-= cindy w´s last blog ..karma =-.

  22. You’ve given me the perfect script when next I run into the neighbors I don’t care for. Finally, they will have something to be afraid of — running into me again!
    .-= Marion´s last blog ..Week 8 072609 =-.

  23. Well this is what is required in order to be truly funny: That many people don’t get it.

    Your pain is our gain, babe.

  24. Use a ice-cicle, it’s the perfect crime tool– it’ll melt before the po-po shows up and thus no prints. However, best of luck finding one in Houston this time of year. Maybe you should create them, market them and then sell them off to other wanna be thugs… a new way to retire– selling weapons that are not detectable, maybe the military will wanna get in on this??? I promise I don’t even want a cut on the profits, however a mention every now and then to stroke my ego would be nice.

  25. Your conversation posts are my absolute favorite. One was so funny I posted it on my blog with a link back to you because I thought more people needed to suffer pee inducing laughter. But now the most common key word search that lands someone on my blog is some variation of giant labia. Huh… oh well.
    .-= Smarty Pants´s last blog ..Can you keep a secret? =-.

  26. Jenny – you can come be my neighbor… PRETTY PLEASE, and I’ll let you rob me. Except I’ll have an open bottle of wine waiting or absinthe, so really it wouldn’t be like robbing me. But when your not looking I’ll slip something of mine into your purse so that when you get home it will look like you robbed me. You’ll be so drunk you won’t know any different.

  27. When I first moved in, my neighbor popped by to introduce himself while I was raking leaves. I asked him what I should do with the endless piles of them, and he said throw them into the vacant lot and they’ll turn into dirt. I said, “Really?” asking if it was just okay to throw them in the vacant lot, but he thought I was asking if leaves really turned into dirt. He then looked at me like I was really stupid and was all, “uhhh… yeah.” Then, realizing the misunderstanding and that he now thinks I’m an idiot incapable of even the most basic conversation, I started to drool a little and started slapping my knee. That was 10 years ago, and I’m happy to say that was also our last conversation.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Don’t forget the Grabies =-.

  28. You could totally be my neighbor, but then you’d have to live in West Texas. We’d all think you were hilarious, but you’d have to deal with the cactus and other crazy neighbors. Also, the guy down the street is raising wallabies.
    .-= TexasRed´s last blog ..Literary Locals – The Package Deal =-.

  29. I think people from Texas own a lot of guns so you don’t want to go breaking into any place where you could end up with a lot of guns you would not know what to do with.
    .-= Cedarflame´s last blog .. =-.

  30. That was Laugh Out Loud funny!!! (meaning, doesn’t rate just LOL, but I gotta spell it out because I did actually Laugh Out Loud!!!) I wish you were my neighbor. Mine are all too stressed out about their “lawns” and it gets boring.

  31. I don’t want to make you feel any worse because I know you’re fragile and all that but I’ve already posted two BlogHer recaps. Two. So maybe you should get with the program and quit terrorizing your ethnic neighbors. People will think you’re a racist.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..BlogHer Has Funny =-.

  32. you crack me up lady!

    your HOA meetings are at 7pm so you can come across the freeway and burglarize our neighborhood earlier in the evenings 😀

  33. I nominate Keeley for comment of the day! I can just imagine Humorless Neighbor opening up her dresser drawer and marveling “These are not MY underwear, WTH!”. Or the vegetarian down the street trying to figure out how the Tofu in his fridge spontaneously turned into a half eaten ham. Get the brick, we have a new mission!

  34. Next time just tell her you don’t need to go because when you go out of town you booby-trap your house and leave your pet cobra loose.

  35. See now…I just wrote a clever post…and I’m all laughing and thinking I’m clever. Then I come over here and read your post now I’m all…I’m not funny and laughing at your post. Now I have to go away and be more clever:P
    .-= Nap Warden´s last blog ..What a Lovely P*ssy You Are =-.

  36. An interesting dilemma, no brick. I wonder what would happen if you threw yourself bodily through the window [apart from the Bandaides] The would still be breaking and entering but does your own body count as ‘malicious damage’? Just thinking aloud you know.
    Cheers
    .-= Maddy´s last blog ..Shopping allergy – the glass is half empty =-.

  37. YOU L@@K SOOOO NORMAL IN YOUR PHOTOS… NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW YOU ARE EXTREMELY WACKO INSIDE…. XOX

  38. Look- I get that you some of your neighbors aren’t going to get you. You’ll get over it. BUT- what’s with Victor not going out there and tossing some bricks for you? As your husband it is totally his responsibility to charge to your defense. Completely unacceptable behavior on his part.

    And by charge to you defense I mean he should have shown up at the meeting carrying an armload of bricks.
    .-= JenK´s last blog ..The one with a dose of crazy. And laziness. Claziness. =-.

  39. This is all very similar to the time my work was having an ice cream social to raise money for charity, and when the guy came to drop off another bucket of ice cream in the cooler I commented that there was more space in there then it seemed, and he’s all yeah, it’s like an old house you just never know what you’ll find. Which is when I was all Right, like if you remodel and you just might find grandma in the walls. Then he was just staring and so of course I was all except you would be finding ICE CREAM which, you know, would probably be BETTER than dead grandmas.

    That’s when he left. Oddly, that was the last of our ice cream deliveries for the day.
    .-= GhtoPrincess´s last blog ..Part 2 of ? Of My Own Personal Soap Opera =-.

  40. I live on a dirt road with only my family as neighbors and they don’t even “get me”, so I feel your pain.

  41. First, I love it that you used the word “flounced.”

    Second, if you need one ever, we have spare bricks from when our house was built…like, 6 years ago. There are about 20 of them stacked haphazardly in our garage — still with old food on them from the brick guys eating lunch over them. We’re pigs.

    P.S. Since I’m over-sharing, I thought I’d mention that when we moved in, I was cleaning and shelf-papering the kitchen cupboards and stuff, and found old food behind the drawers. I guess I’m glad I found it early on. Gross.

  42. Just been reading your Shatner tweets??? Hysterical! That’s coke snorter, all right. I mean in the snorting out way. I wouldn’t know about the snorting in way. Honest.

  43. And of course I left out the “a” before “coke snorter.” Sure could use some coke… might improve my proofreading skills.

  44. If my husband’s transfer ends up being Houston (and god forbid because the other option is England. I’m sure you can see the difference), I will look for a house in your neighborhood. Not that this would set us up for a lifelong friendship that Steven Spielberg would want to make a movie about but because I am not a neighbor that other neighbors say “Gawd, she is such an awesome neighbor.” I am usually the neighbor that other neighbors pretend they don’t see unless I am with my daughter who is tv commercial cute, and no one can resist acknowledging her, and so neighbors whisper over their picket fences about it “I wonder if that child is adopted?” and “But who would let that woman adopt a baby?” And that would take the heat off you – provided you did not talk. Can you not talk? Because I would be a wasted diversion if you just went and talked anyway.

    Think about it.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Write It and Weep =-.

  45. You should totally go to the next watch meeting. Offer to bring trail mix for everybody.

  46. I recently stumbled across your website, and I could not stop reading. I read for hours and hours and finally stumbled away from my computer muttering about liquor and serial killers and rambling about nonsense for a good 3 days. After the fog lifted, I sent the link of your website to all my friends so that they would understand what in the hell I was talking about all the time. I am proud to say that they are all hooked, and consequently blame me for ruining their lives.

  47. Somewhere there is a blog post by your neighbor about her neighbor that is on prescription drugs and dresses in wigs. She is probably petrified and has started the neighborhood watch program BECAUSE of you. FWIW, I get your jokes and would much rather have you than some of our hermit neighbors.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..It’s Always Something… =-.

  48. Neighbors are so worthless. Especially the ones who don’t get humor.

    You should just go ahead and rob them.

  49. You know what would have been funny. You should have gone to the meeting and left Victor at home so that while you were there he could go over to their and break their doors open but not steal anything so they would spend the rest of their lives wondering what the hell was taken. And then you have a full proof alibi for when they come knocking on your door. Except I have a feeling Victor would rat you out in less time that it takes Britney Spears to rip into a bag of Cheetos. Which is probably good because he doesn’t sound like he would last two minutes in jail.

  50. My neighbours are exactly the same, ‘cept I’m pretty sure they’re all Chewbaccan coz when I try to evesdrop through the walls all I hear is “Aaaaaaaarn!” So either that or they’re Velociraptors like in the first one where the cow gets lowered into the pit on the blue harness. Which would mean that the neighbour who lives above them is secretly feeding them cows, which I’m beginning to think is actually really sweet of him because now my neighbours don’t eat me when I eavesdrop because they’re still full from that first cow. This is also why I don’t borrow sugar from them because they just might be dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaurs who totally don’t eat sugar coz Wikipedia says dromaeosaurids where feathery, bird-like carnivores and weren’t known for lending their things. Which is also okay because I think I’m diabetic.
    .-= JL´s last blog ..Charles’s Stream: Great Expectations =-.

  51. And this is why I only get to know the neighborhood pets and not the people. I mean I know the animal’s like me. The cats rub up against my legs, the dog’s sniff my crouch..it’s a very validating feeling. Plus, I think it makes the people fear me a bit which is totally fine by me.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Time to turn this ship around…. =-.

  52. I just found your website through CakeWrecks who had a list of winners…blah blah blah. Anyway, I felt it imperative for you to know that I am now your bitch. I want to be you when I grow up. I’m 35, btw, so the odds are not stacked in my favor, although I’m pretty fucking crazy already–so I think we’re looking at a 50/50 shot. Anyway, I adore you. I will read you every day, because you make me laugh until I almost pee myself (almost!) and I will follow you on twitter–or anywhere else. Love, Lori.

    P.S. I am *not* a stalker. Just very enthusiastic.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Lack of Updates =-.

  53. I always thought it would be funny to make someone’s house appear as if it was burglarized, but not actually take anything. Just pry the door open with a crowbar and leave. Then they would come home and frantically look all over the place trying to figure out what was stolen. They would search for HOURS, maybe even days. Then they would start to notice odd things like one missing shoe and they’d begin to question their own sanity and wonder if they lost it themselves or if maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there twisted enough to break into their home and steal a shoe. Or maybe during their search they would end up finding all the things they misplaced throughout the years, and then they would see the break-in as a blessing and be grateful. And that is how I would do my part to benefit society.

  54. When the Nazi’s celebrated “National Friendship Day” they went all out:
    Free Train Rides !! Free Tattoos !! Welcoming Overnight Facilities!!! Longterm Pajama Party!!
    Free MakeOvers !! Free Haircuts !! Oven Roasted Specials !! Free Dental Checkups and Filling Removal !!

    May be it was better you didn’t know about it, Jen.

  55. “We had gay burglars come in the other night. They broke in and rearranged all the furniture.” Dunno where that’s from but I thought you might like it.

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