Updated: This is the pain talking, you assholes

in Random Crap

So I just read on twitter that today is National Happy Friendship Day and I’m all “Wow.  That must be new because no one’s ever mentioned it to me before” but then it turns out it’s been around since 1935.  Conclusion:  You guys are assholes.

Updated: It’s just been pointed out that Friendship Day has been around since 1935 and I’ve never actually wished someone a Happy Friendship Day either. Touché, internets.

So to make up for this horrific oversight I made you a card.  You’re welcome.

happy friendship day

Updated again: It’s just been drawn to my attention again that this isn’t really much of a Friendship Day card but you can’t really blame me because I’m an orphan.

Updated X 3: Okay, I’m not really an orphan in the standard sense of the word.  I meant more like an orphan of Friendship Day.  Because I’ve been abandoned and never learned to love.

Updated X 4: Okay, yes, technically I do know how to love.  That was more hyperbole than anything else.  Please stop questioning me. I’M EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE RIGHT NOW, BASTARDS.

Updated X 5: Wow.  That was totally uncalled for.  I’m so sorry.  Seriously, it’s not you.  It’s me.  I’m going to go lie down for a bit.  This is the worst Friendship Day ever.  That I’m aware of.  Although I only learned it existed a few minutes ago so I could be wrong.  There were probably worse ones during the holocaust. Oh, awesome. Now I can’t stop thinking about the holocaust.

Updated X 6:  Can we just kill Friendship Day and come up with something less likely to make me want to stab myself?  Like maybe “Happy Thank-God-we’re-still-not-having-a-holocaust-at-least-that-I’m-aware-of Day” or “Happy I’m-glad-I’ve-still-got-both-my-eyes Day”?  Because I like that better. Now I’m going to force Victor to take me to eat all the eggrolls I can stomach because that’s how we celebrate “Happy Thank-God-We-Don’t-Have-Pet-Fish-Anymore-Because-Holy-Shit-That-Was-A-Hassle Day” in our house.

Comment of the day: I thought it was Happy-Sorry-My-Snake-Ate-Your-Hamster-And-Then-I-Stepped-On-That-Snake-And-Your-Nearly-Digested-Hamster Day.

I better call my brother back and amend that phone message. ~ Mr Lady

96 thoughts on “Updated: This is the pain talking, you assholes”

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  5. And I thought Friendship Day was just a construct of the Disney Channel to account for some slightly more exclusive holiday; like the way they made Mother’s Day become I Love You Day.

    Also, I don’t recommend celebrating Happy I’m-glad-I’ve-still-got-both-my-eyes Day, because that’s just asking for a freak burning oil shooting from an egg roll accident. Good luck.

    Happy Friendship Day?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Au Naturelle Part I =-.

  6. I’m personally celebrating Thank-God-my-friends-don’t-care-about-dumb-stuff-like-friendship-day Day. Cause if they did we almost definitely wouldn’t be friends anymore, either because they would hate me for not wishing them Happy Friendship Day or I would hate them for being douchey and caring about that sort of thing.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..P.P.S. =-.

  8. Jenny — I’d like to wish you a Happy Friendship Day, even though I don’t know you, but I think we would be friends if we ever met, but that’s not likely since I can’t think when I’ll ever get to Texas, but Happy Friendship Day anyhow. 🙂
    .-= Meryl´s last blog ..Week 9 080209 =-.

  12. Friendship day? Seriously? I barely knew about My Favorite Blogger Day. Which I have to say I was blown away by all the flowers and balloons everyone sent me. And the singing clown was really over the top! But when the stripper showed up I really felt loved. Oh Hallmark…you always invent the bestest holidays!

    (yeah never heard of Frickin Friendship Day either. Why am I not surprised?)
    .-= The Glamorous Life Association´s last blog ..Breaking News…happening RIGHT NOW. =-.

  14. Just to give you a heads up on another holiday you probably don’t know about–the Sweetest Day is Oct. 17th of this year. Which, frankly is quite an accompllishment for a day in October. How can any day claim to be THE sweetest day. Perhaps the sweatiest day, if it was really hot. But sweetest day is hard to pinpoint.

    However, it was created to honor the sick and ORPHANED, which you apparently are, so awesome. New Blogess Holiday!
    .-= Bekki´s last blog ..So Many Firsts, So Little Time =-.

  15. ok so..i know im talkin to you on twitter right now, and now im commenting your blog, and last night i stayed up untill 5.30am (so this morning not last night? im not sure…not the point) and read over 60 pages of blogging hilarity – im starting to think this might be close to stalking..if so then consider me your new stalker.. Hi 😀 anyways im all caught up on your blog now and i was so excited about you being my new friend that i have forgotten how to make proper use of commas and capitals (I TOTALLY USE MY PINKIE TO DO CAPITALS INSTEAD OF USING CAPSLOCK AS WELL – SEE? I READ YOUR BLOG IN FULL) ok now that i have officially proven myself to be worthy of your friendship and will try to use correct punctuation and spelling in the future once i can stem the excitement. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAYYYY

  16. I didn’t know it was Happy Friendship day either. And apparently no one clued in the grizzly bear and the griffin either.

    Do griffins even HAVE friends? I remember that dopey TeeVee show “Gentle Ben” where that snot-nosed little kid befriended a grizzly, so we know that THEY have the capacity… Or was I thinking about “Gentile Ben,” the show about the dood trying to make friends with the Rabbi…?

    It’s still too early to be friendly…or think for that matter.

    Have a nice day. And be nice to the griffin.
    .-= AJ in Nashville´s last blog ..If Every Good Boy Deserves Favour, What Do I Get? =-.

  17. Happy Call-Me-An-Asshole-And-I’ll-Still-Love-You-Even-Though-You-Make-Me-Type-With-Dashes-And-I-Keep-Having-To-Backspace-Because-I-Can’t-Do-Punctuation-For-Shit Day!
    Of course, we could abbreviate it to Happy CMAAISLYETYMMTWDAIKHTBBICDPFS Day. To make it easier to remember.

    No shit, it just took me three tries to spell remember. You have killed my keyboard skills. I still love you.

    Orphan.
    .-= Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..Margaret Loves Me Best =-.

  18. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!!!!!!

    I made a friendship bracelet out of those plastic string thingies. It’s pink and black to match your blog. And it has a Shrinky Dink charm that says I (heart) Wolverines. I hope you like it.
    .-= Lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..Handsome man =-.

  20. Wow, I feel like my life sucks worse now than i thought it did 5 minutes ago. At least all of you are feeling the same way. I am not alone in my misery.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..love him. =-.

  22. All of my friends are officially dead to me for not acknowledging National Friendship Day. Fuck ’em.

    Shit, now I’m that friendless chick that has a lot of cats, huh? I mean, without the cats. And I’m married, so I guess that’s something I’ve got going for me. And my kid. She’s alright. But now I have to start canvassing the area for new friends. Maybe I’ll make them sign a contract saying that they’ll acknowledge NFD next year. Or I can Auf them like Heidi Klum or that hot chick from Top Chef who makes you pack up your knives and go?

    Side note: Has anyone ever thought that it might not be a good idea to tell someone they are a loser and then send them on their way with a bag full of knives?! How has that not ended in tragedy yet?

    Anywho and whatnot, anyone want to be my BFF? Apparently I have an opening for a new one.
    .-= Mama Bee´s last blog ..The Buzz =-.

  23. I assume this is another day when people can send you sappy e-mails about what a great friend you are and that if you don’t forward their trashy shit onto all of your friends then something really bad will happen to you and everyone you know.

    Petunia is right about Darfur.

    I love the sentiment behind Steve’s ‘Happy No Stabbing Day’ unfortunately somebody would get stabbed – especially where I live, and that would really spoil it.
    .-= Troutie´s last blog ..A breastfeeding picnic =-.

  24. Happy “I’m So Glad I’ve Recovered From Having Sex With A Vacuum Cleaner” Day.

  25. So I was going to wish you a Happy Friendship Day, but then I remembered all the unfriendly things you’ve done over the years. Like having me wear a hot pink bridesmaid dress with GINORMOUS matching head and butt bows. Or the time you gave my 2 year old a drum set. Yeah, that was just wrong. So Happy “The Drumset Is In the Mail and I’m Sure Hailey Will LOOOVE It” Day.

    Oh, and if you’re an orphan now then I have dibbs on everything in the safe. You can have the elk.

  27. Happy why-the-hell-is-there-a-day-to-celebrate-friendship-when-there’s-not-a-day-to-celebrate-ninjas-yet day.

  28. ***Middle-Aged-Woman- You left out an “A” in your abbreviation…..sorry thats what National Friendship Day is all about I think is correcting your friends comments but wait we’re not friends so screw it I’m just anal like that or we could be friends if you want and I do have knives but I don’t do stabbings on Sunday being that it’s the Sabbath and all……just saying

  29. Forget friendship day (and yes, I have friends, so this is not bitterness speaking). I want to know about the William Shatner thing.

  33. Bee, there totally is a ninja day – December 5 (http://dayoftheninja.com/index2.html). You just didn’t notice the celebrations cuz we were all, you know, bein’ stealthy and ninja-y.

    And AJ, what’s all this about a griffin and a grizzly? I can only assume it has something to do with the card that I stopped reading WHEN JENNY TOLD ME TO. Cuz that’s what Friendship Day is about – doing things total strangers on the magical computer screen tell you, without question. Also I’m kind of scared of her. (Jenny, not the grizzly or griffin. Assuming they’re girls. I can’t tell. Cuz I stopped reading, remember?)

    I actually get an actual statutory holiday tomorrow, and what else could it be for except Friendship Day? Clearly my people value friendship much more highly than yours.

    Dammit, I’ve lost control of my comment. Happy Ideally-No-Stabbing-But-Who-Are-We-Kidding-I’ll-Totally-Go-Berzerk-With-A-Butter-Knife-If-I-Have-To-Type-Any-More-Dashes Day.

  37. I wonder if anyone really celebrates this. I mean is there some chick out there going “I’m totally setting up pedicures for all my BFF’s..on me!” Cuz if so, then I need her number. Only because I like free shit, not because I like friends. In which case it makes it hard to celebrate Friendship Day. But I’m also a very, good liar and I could probably fake being her friend for one day…but only for the free loot, like I said. Can your dog count as a friend? But he has no money to spend on me, so those aren’t the kind of friends I want.
    Oh well, I’ll just sit here and watch Noggin all day and be friends with myself. I like myself the best anyway!
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..The Perfect Afternoon Invitation =-.

  39. There was a poll on iRead on Facebook that asked what was the greatest gift you’d ever gotten for Friendship Day. Nothing was not an option. At first I was pissed because my asshole friends have never gotten me a Friendship Day gift, ever. But then I remembered I haven’t exactly rushed out to give them gifts either, so maybe we’re even and I still have awesome friends. They’d just be way more awesome if I found, say, a new 120GB iPod Classic on my doorstep tomorrow. Just sayin’.
    .-= Sarah Fowler´s last blog ..SarahFowler: @AmberCadabra They’re great for reading! =-.

  40. I had no idea it was Friendship Day either. I only found out through Twitter. Fucking Twitter, man. Making me feel all unloved because I missed out on my first 32 Friendship Days. Sigh.
    .-= cindy w´s last blog ..the not-really-a-vlog =-.

  41. im pretty sure the griffin wins. No one puts stupid bears up on their buildings, it’s all gargoyles and griffins. Now a battle between a gargoyle and a griffin? Well then we’d all be fucked

    Happy gargoyle day or some shit, have a bear claw MMMM pastry
    .-= fidget´s last blog ..The interwebz is giving me a complex =-.

  42. All that updating confused me. So are we friends? And if so, what does it have to do with the Holocaust, eggrolls and killing your child’s goldfish?
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Idle Speculation =-.

  43. Wow. I am in so much pain right now over your post. How much would your poor pet fish be totally hurting right now if he knew that you simply referred to him as a “hassle.” And on friendship day of all days. Well you can forget about the friendship day wishes you were about to receive from me. And I’d been looking forward to sending someone Happy Friendship Day wishes ever since I read the title of the post and found out it existed too.
    .-= Meghan´s last blog ..Enjoy The Silence =-.

  47. myy money is on the griffin. despite the size differential – it look small and nasty. like a hamster. you know, if the hamster was like really pissed.
    .-= kate´s last blog ..Sunday Snaps =-.

  49. ‘All the egg rolls I can stomach’ should be how one celebrates any day of the year or any minute of any day of the year, whichever gets you closer to your body weight in egg rolls. I’m going eat my egg rolls to celebrate I-managed-to-stumble-to-the-coffee-pot-and-didn’t-stab-anyone-in-the-forehead-with-a-spoon-while-I-was-waiting-for-it-to-brew day.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Post I’m NOT At BlogHer ’09 Edition =-.

  50. The only reason I already knew Friendship Day exists is because I had this stalker once that would send me Friendship Day cards. So I think it’s a lot less “Happy Friendship Day” and more “Happy Stalker Day.”

    Also, I think one-eyed people would feel pretty shitty on “Happy I’m-glad-I’ve-still-got-both-my-eyes Day,” kinda like how single people feel on Valentine’s Day. So I’m thinking we should just stick with “Happy Ninja Day” and “Happy Stalker Day.”
    .-= Betania´s last blog ..that distraction inside of me, oh well =-.

  52. I can’t celebrate Happy I’m-glad-I’ve-still-got-both-my-eyes Day because my dog only has one eye – for real. Blitzkrieg isn’t offended though because he’s too busy licking himself to read this post.

    Happy Friendship Day!
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Why I Went to BlogHer ’09 =-.

  53. If I promise to protect you from grizzly bears and menacing griffins, will you be my friend? ‘Cause I totally will!

    (I mean I totally will promise to do that, by the way. I do NOT mean that I totally will actually do it, though, because I tend to break most of my promises anyway. This may be why no one is celebrating Friendship Day with me…)
    .-= Lara´s last blog ..If You’re Looking for Inspiration, You’ve Come to the Right Place =-.

  54. Rick James had a shitty FriendShip day back in 1991.

    Now I am off to send Betania (about four comments Up) some Friendship cards and try to freak her out.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Volunteer =-.

  55. I love you. And I love all the people that comment on your blog. And I think we should all get together for drinks tomorrow night at my house. Then next year…nah, I won’t remember. Then I’ll feel bad. But the drinks, …that’s a go.

  56. I prefer to think that I have really lousy friends who have never wished me a Happy Friendship Day rather than the fact that I am the lousy friend who didn’t even know that it existed until now. And thanks for that, now I don’t have an excuse any longer to be the slacker friend. I’ll have to start being responsible. I hate that.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..Driving Lessons =-.

  58. Happy Friendship Day to you and your family and pets! I didn’t know it was friendship day either, so thanks for bringing it to my attention. Now I have an excuse to comment on your blog and tell you how keen you are.

    P.S. That card was totally awesome.

  59. A chick at work was celebrating ‘thank God I don’t have Kelley’s life day’ today.

    Which kinda sucked.

    Until I kicked her in the neck with my stiletto and was all ‘Now we have a new holiday!’

    Apparently Human Resources wants to speak to me tomorrow.

  63. Why can’t we have Happy-I’m-not-homeless-no-wait-I-am-so-it’s-not-a-happy-day-ever-for-me-and-I’m-too-worried-about-where-I’m-going-to-find-my-next-meal Day? That would be awesome. We could go around wishing it to all the beggars and then not give them food like every other day but at least we wished them a Happy-I’m-not-homeless-no-wait-I-am-so-it’s-not-a-happy-day-ever-for-me-and-I’m-too-worried-about-where-I’m-going-to-find-my-next-meal Day which makes us feel better and even makes them feel better about themselves because then they might think we’re friends with them but actually we’re just being kind on that special day there and will ignore tham the next day while we’re on our way to work, which doesn’t make a difference to me coz I work from home so probably wouldn’t say Happy-I’m-not-homeless-no-wait-I-am-so-it’s-not-a-happy-day-ever-for-me-and-I’m-too-worried-about-where-I’m-going-to-find-my-next-meal Day to the beggar on my way to work because in fact the beggar by my work is my brother. But it’s okay too becaue Happy National Friendship day is only for Americans and I’m South African so we don’t have to have friends and buy them gifts on this day or say I love you… ever. It’s awesome. But our beggars are mean and kill people which I totally avoid by not ever wishing them a Happy-I’m-not-homeless-no-wait-I-am-so-it’s-not-a-happy-day-ever-for-me-and-I’m-too-worried-about-where-I’m-going-to-find-my-next-meal Day ever. So they in fact don’t know that I exist at all. Which is awesome too because then I never have to give them food which I don’t really have coz I work from home which is like being unemployed. This feels like quite a solid and well-rounded argument.
    .-= JL´s last blog ..Charles’s Stream: Great Expectations =-.

  65. So, it’s my birthday today and I’m wondering: Is Friendship Day like a first monday in August thing or has it always been on my birthday. Because you’d think that if I was born on a holiday I would have known it, but I knew it was friendship day because it’s in my calendar this year, but otherwise I’ve never heard of it. Also, National Watermelon Day. It’s today too. So, go have a watermelon with your friend and wish me a happy birthday.
    .-= Jessi´s last blog ..I’ll Regret this =-.

  67. I didn’t know yesterday was Friendship Day either.
    But last night I dreamt that no one wanted to be my friend or roommate in college (because I went back to college)(with my sister)(and even she didn’t want to be my friend or roommate). So I woke up today crying.
    .-= Lesha´s last blog ..Back in my arms again =-.

  68. Wow. I missed it. Can we have a “It was Friendship Day and I totally dissed it” Day? I wonder why no one called me either? I gotta be nicer in Wal Mart, or I’ll never make friends! PS: UTI is still lurking but I’m going postal all up in it’s ass.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..This Is How My Effing Day Goes… =-.

  69. Your “thank God we don’t have fish anymore…” comment cracked me up. Years ago, my single sister bought my two little ones goldfish and all the works one day when she took them shopping. She is now a mother of twin boys and one day recently she said to me, “Oh, about the goldfish….I’m REALLY sorry.” And,someday I’ll say to her, “Oh, about the drums…..I’m REALLY sorry.” But I won’t be.
    Hope you’re feeling better.

  72. It was initially sort of a downer to discover from your blog that I don’ t have any friends either, and that not even my erstwhile Twitter best buds mentioned it to me at all, which also totally blows my moronic fantasy that I’m a lot better at maintaining semblances of friendship with peeps I’ve never met than with people I have infrequent personal contact with, like my sister, but I do have an imaginary friend that now looks a lot like a griffin (which also happens to be my boss’s name) and I gave his tail (the griffin’s, not my boss’s) a good yank to commemorate this freakin’ special day and now feel a whole bunch better. But you also reminded me that the day my daughter’s gargantuan stinkin’-beyond-th’-high-heavens, poopin’-like-a- 1200-pound-Kentucky-Derby-contender, and made-Jabba-the-hut-look-like-a-fluffy-Pomeranian goldfish died was one of the most joyful days of my life, even if he was too big to flush down the toilet.
    .-= PracticalParalegalism´s last blog ..Award-Winning Paralegal Arrested for Theft from Employer =-.

  75. It was a great day, indeed. But I do have a question: How long should I leave my Friendship Tree up? I’ve heard through Labor Day, but the needles get everywhere and my cat pees on it. I’m leaning toward taking it down and just leaving up the banners, lights and that giant inflatable thing with the whippy arms, but will it be enough?
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Don’t forget the Grabies =-.

  79. You think you’ve got pain? I’ll tell you what pain is. Pain is my feeble Google Reader sending me Bloggess posts ONE DAY LATE. So by the time I show up, all of you 78 or whatever commenters above me are already over here whooping it up with Jenny, bringing the funny and stealing the spotlight from ME and MY COMMENT. Damn dirty RSS reader. Dammit.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..BlogHer Has Funny =-.

  81. Shouldn’t we always be nice to our friends….and people in general…Why do we need specific days to remind us to be more kind and friendly? Just wondering……
    .-= carla mannes´s last blog ..Gratitude! =-.

  84. Oh, yeah, and happy friggin’ friendship day to you too. No card, no call. I see how much I mean to you. I’m gonna keep paying your neighbors to not get you, cause then at least I’ll feel like I’m a little involved in your creative process. That and it obviously helps your relationship with Victor since I’m giving you this interesting stuff to argue vehemently talk about. You’re welcome. I’ll be expecting my Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) gift basket. I’m looking forward to the Bloggess roller hat, and the Judy Garland trail mix which I can swig down with my bottle of *wink-wink* water after pinning my bail card to my shirt… actually, I’ll pin it to my bra, cause after making use of the rest of the gift basket, I’ll probably have used my shirt to flirt shamelessly with the nearest cow, cause I live in the country… which is another reason I need the gift basket, cause I’m 50 miles from Houston and yet I’m surrounded by cows and corn fields… OK, just send the trail mix and the wink-water
    or I’ll have to go strangle myself for winding up in hillbilly hell. My life is in your hands. Isn’t friendship day fucking beautiful?
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..The Most Important Thing About Nostalgia =-.

  85. I missed Friendship Day again (dambit), so I guess I’ll have to say something like Happy Beet-and-Potatoes-for-Breakfast Day, because after all nobody else has thought of something like that and besides it fits in with the general craziness of this blog and all.

    So remember, this is the day to Meet your Beet!

    ~EdT.
    .-= Ed T.´s last blog ..Moody Monday: Landscapes from Mo =-.

  88. Now you’ve up and gone too fucking far. I happen to have it on good authority that those raised by members of the wolverine pack are taught to love first and foremost. Then they learn to forage and kill and destroy and smoke Kools.

    Take it back, Bloggess, take…it….back; these untruths shall not stand.

  89. Yeah , those Nazis Really liked to celebrate National Friendship Day:

    Free Train Rides !! Free Camping !! Free Long Term Pajama Party !! Free Tattoos !! Free Haircuts !!
    Free Dental Filling Removal !! Free Heat Therapy !! Free Skin Recycling !!

    They might have taken it a little too seriously. . . . Mr Rogers—-they weren’t.

  90. I was born on “National Call in Sick Because You’re Well Day”. Pretty much the bestest holiday ever.

  92. Jenny!!!! I was depressed so I figured let me come read The Bloggess and get a few laughs…..now I’m crying!!! No Happy Friendship Day greetings ever!!! Sooooo….now I’m celebrating Thank God it’s not Friendship Day!!! Cheers!

  93. Please accept my apologies in not giving you a Friendship Day card in prior years. I had no idea we were friends until I read this and laughed until I cried and said OMG I can’t believe I have not been friends with this woman since…the day…I was…orphaned. *sob sob*
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..You’ve Got a Friend…with Margarita Mix =-.

  94. Seriously, 1935? Now I feel kinda bad for deleting all those freaking forwards!

    Ok, so I didn’t get THAT MANY forwards about friendship day… Just one… And it was from my mom… But I still think that counts.
    .-= AC Siapno´s last blog ..Pier 46 Seafood =-.

  95. Pingback: Best in Show: Week of August 3rd – bethsix

  96. It’s August 9 today (2012) and I just read this post.

    Happy belated Friendship Day!

    Now I’m off to check your other posts to make sure you remembered on 2 Aug 2010, 2011 and this year…

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