And then I found a boob laying on the grass

So  tonight I was walking my dog and  thinking about what I should blog about this week because most of the posts in my draft folder are kinda half-written and don’t really have an ending and I was thinking that maybe I should throw myself in front of a car because that would at least give me something to write about and then I thought “Wow.  There’s something really wrong with me.  Maybe I need more meds”, but then I didn’t even have to maim myself because

I FOUND A MUSHROOM SHAPED LIKE A BOOB.

Probably the sexiest mushroom ever.
Probably the sexiest mushroom ever.

Fucking for real, y’all. It’s like God was all “Damn, what’s with the deathwish, bitch?  I already gave you rheumatoid arthritis.  That’s not enough for you? So selfish.”  And then He’s all “You know what?  Fine. Just throw yourself in front of a car.  I’m out, dumbass.”  But then He remembered my granny who is awesome and God-fearing and prays for me all the time and He probably sighed all grudgingly, like “Damn it. I totally owe Granny.  Fine. I’ll give you this one.”  Then, BAM! Boobie mushroom.    And now I don’t even have to throw myself in front of a car.  In fact, I think I could probably never post again and this blog would still considered successful just on the merit of this one boob God left on my lawn.

It's like when you see the Virgin Mary in a tortilla except instead it's a boob on the ground.  Either way, I'm pretty sure God wanted me to profit from it.
It's like when you see the Virgin Mary in a tortilla, except instead it's a boob on the ground. Either way, I'm pretty sure God wanted me to profit from it. Please send me a dollar.

PS.  I took like 18 photos of the boobie mushroom and the whole time my neighbor was giving me this look like “The fuck?” and so I started also taking pictures of my kid and the mailbox and random shit to throw him off because I didn’t want him to notice the boobie mushroom because I was afraid he might have a blog too and post about it first.  So yeah…I do think there’s probably something wrong with me.  I mean, my neighbor doesn’t even speak English so even if he does have a blog we probably have a different audience.  There could be some cross-over with my bilingual readers though so I don’t think I’m completely overreacting.

PPS.   You know what?  Fuck him.  His granny didn’t go to church every Sunday for 70 years so her granddaughter could find this boobie mushroom.  I am totally going out to smash it right now so he can’t put it on his blog, which may or may not exist.

PPPS.  Okay, I didn’t do it.  Partially because it felt wrong to destroy a boobie mushroom that God made.  And also because when I was little I heard that if you squash mushrooms, fairies will attack you.  Mostly that second one.  I’ve probably revealed too much about myself here but you know what?  Doesn’t even matter:  Magical .boobie. mushroom. It’s kind of so awesome I could write anything here and no one would even notice.  It’s like peeing behind the Pope.  Most of the people there are too into the Pope to notice and if they do notice it’s probably because they weren’t paying enough attention to the Pope.  It’s like a Pope test.  If you’re distracted by a little urine you lose your turn with the Pope and have to go to the back of the line.  If I was the Pope I’d have someone peeing behind me all the time.  That would be awesome.

PPPPS.  This may be my last post ever because where do you go from here?  I’m totally like Eva Peron right before she got cancer.

Comment of the day: You should totally throw a thin white t-shirt over it and water it. Oh, wait, I forgot.  I’m a lady. Don’t do that. That’s offensive. ~ harmzie

251 thoughts on “And then I found a boob laying on the grass

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I would totally dig up that mushroom and give it to the pope.

    And then try and get me some action from his assistant George. Cause he is all kinds of hot. And a freaking SKI INSTRUCTOR. Which is porn for totally sweet arse.

  2. praise the lord – i’m saved by a boobie mushroom…. now, u know, i never ever thought i would type those words – Jenny is mah Saviour! hey, there’s an idea – start a religion! tax free, and all sorts of extras like having sex with whoever looks cute among your disciples… if Victor doesn’t mind, obviously 🙂
    .-= Sheila (@stinginthetail)´s last blog ..Editors are like elephants… =-.

  3. okay, here’s what’s wrong with me. i saw the picture of the boobie mushroom AND GOT FUCKING JEALOUS OF IT. because it is petite and perky and NOTHING LIKE THE EMPTY SACKS OF SKIN THAT A TUCK INTO MY PANTS AFTER BREASTFEEDING TWINS. so not only does my self-image avoid playboy and teen porn, but i now i have to avoid you too. for once, i expected more from you.
    .-= Joy´s last blog ..SNAPS september 6, 2009 =-.

  4. Wow. My teenage kid just came OUT OF HER ROOM and hugged me SPONTANEOUSLY to show appreciation. That is a miracle mushroom, probably the Virgin Mary’s right bazoomble. You should make your home a shrine.

  5. Thank you for that. I am now going to stop squashing mushrooms and hope they grow in boobie mushrooms of my own.

  6. So really what you’re saying is I’ll know that I’ve reached the high point in my life when I find a boobie mushroom. I think I’ll hold off looking for a while, cause I hate that whole premature climax shit.
    Wonder if that’s an edible mushroom. Because really, the only thing cooler than having pictures of the boobie mushroom would be having pictures of you eating the boobie mushroom. But maybe that’s not such a good idea, even if it is edible, because people would be all “Oh Jenny’s a lesbian now” and that’s how rumors get started.
    .-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..OverSelfPromotionalizing =-.

  7. I would’ve called 911 and screamed something about finding a mutilated boob on the lawn and the police would’ve shown up in a hurry. Then, they’d look at me scornfully and say, “Lady, it’s a mushroom.” So much for saving the day.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..All growed up =-.

  8. More things I think God said when He decided to save your life with a mushroom: “Okay, so that’s pretty good work if I say so myself, but Jenny’s not going to write about it unless the boobi-ness is unmistakable and easily distinguished from a standard-issue discolored-at-the-top mushroom, and so BAM!, I just sent a tiny cold front to Jennifer Aniston-ize my little fleshy creation and, well, you’re very welcome Jenny and the rest of the free world. See? I exist.”

    I’m hoping God saves me with a similar miracle.

  9. Am resisting the urge to start hunting in my own goddamned yard for mushrooms. No wonder I have been in such a blogging funk lately – all I did today was hang a bunch of frocking towel rods. Apparently, I need to grow mushrooms or get a life. Huh.
    .-= cagey´s last blog ..Wasted. =-.

  10. You need to double-sided tape that sucker to your shirt and pretend to breast feed (what? I have no idea. A baby doll. Your five year old. Whatever.) in public and then when people get all OUTRAGED about your “indecent exposure,” you can tell them they mistook a MUSHROOM for your real tit and then they’ll be so embarrassed that they’ll probably forget you stuck a boobie-shaped mushroom to your shirt and pretended to breast feed a baby doll and/or your five year old in the first place.

  11. What does that say about me that it’s probably bigger than my boob? If you find another one about the same size (because really, who has 2 boobs EXACTLY the same size? puleeeeeze) I will buy them, wear them, and call them Thelma & Louise & love them forever. Until I meet a man and he eats them.

    shit.
    .-= Tug´s last blog ..Coors Field =-.

  12. That is BRILLIANT! Although, your comment about DRAFT FOLDER, HALF-WRITTEN, etc. etc. has seriously freaked me out. Now I have to DRAFT my posts? That implies rewrites. And discards. Seriously!

  13. Dude! Put that thing on eBay! People will buy anything on there; you could make a fortune! Or at least make enough to buy a slurpie or something.
    .-= Annabelle´s last blog ..*Insert Title Here* =-.

  14. Be glad you got a boob-shaped shroom. The closest I’ve come to something as that is when my I was picking up my dog’s crap and there was a turd that looked like Captain America’s shield, which she proceeded to step on before I could snap a picture.

    I think my dog secretly hates me and wants me to die so she can have all the doritos to herself (she doesn’t need to open the bag. She just eats it along with the chips)

  15. Nice Tit-shroom!! I heard in ancient gaelic culture if you find one of these, make a tea and drink it slowly while you say a little chant, you will grow monster gozangas! Either that or you’ll die. I can’t really remember the details……
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Shorter days…. =-.

  16. I would totally send you a dollar, but I don’t have your address. And you’d totally just spend it on Xanax anyhow. Then I thought that a dollar really isn’t even enough for a Xanax. So maybe I’ll just send you a Xanax. But I still don’t have your address. There might be something bad about sending medication thru the mail though. Course Wilford Brimley really wants me to get my “Diabet-ess” testing supplies thru the mail, and those are like medication, so maybe it would be ok?

    I’m sorry, did you say something about boobies?
    .-= Rob Sumbler´s last blog ..Sumbler: Great ride. Headed home, then to Crunchy’s to clean up, then tweet up! #midmichtweetup =-.

  17. It is only fair that God made such an awesome boobie mushroom for you. He’s made so many phallic mushrooms that there’s even one named “phallus impudicus” (seriously). A google image search will bring up many wondrous examples.

  18. I used to have an internet radio show where I interviewed people who sold weird stuff on eBay. The first one was a woman selling pictures painted by her turtle, and I thought that was pretty weird. But then I found the guy selling cow poop he picked up from Area 51 which he said had magical properties and could heal people which made me wonder why he didn’t have a late-night tv show where he would get calls and letters from people who wanted to be healed and he could put his hand on the cow poop and heal them by proxy. But that isn’t even as weird and wonderful as a mushroom boobie which I hope you didn’t smash because it could make you millions. You should put it in a little boobie mushroom PopeMobile and take it on tour and charge people to look at it, and the best part is everyone would be paying money to see your boobie and you don’t even have to strip.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Train Wreck =-.

  19. I forgot to mention that the common name is “stinkhorn”. Sadly, I don’t see this catching on as a pet name for male genitals.

  20. Must… not… make… “pastie”… joke.

    Fortunately, few enough of us grew up in the UK that the above even makes sense.

  21. Don’t smash it! Let it grow, and soon you’ll have some gorgeous, naked super model sprouting out of your lawn.

    …Wait, no, smash that bitch.

  22. Wow. I’m gonna have to ask you to remove that picture from your blog, because I’m pretty sure God used my left boob as a model for that magical mushroom. And I only share my left boob with a select audience, (although my right boob is a bit of a loosey goosey so I’m sure if you give her a dollar she’ll give you a peek or three). If you choose to leave that pic up, at least give me the courtesy of an honorable mention and maybe some royalties? ‘Kay?

    Jeniel @ http://www.whatswrongwithmommy.com
    .-= Jeniel´s last blog ..Homework-1, Mommy-0 =-.

  23. Where do you want me to send the dollar? Although I’m a Lutheran, I think if I send you a dollar I might get some indulgence points that the Catholics believe in.

    If you don’t want to post an address, I’ll just drop an extra dollar in the collection plate on Sunday. I’ll paste a copy of the picture of your mushroom to the dollar just so God knows I want my points.
    .-= Bill´s last blog ..New Drug Combos for Obesity Treatment =-.

  24. Forget those fake ass, chicken-cutlet bra inserts that cost real money, you could just go for a walk, pick up some free cleave enhancers and be on your way.

    And then, at lunch, when your salad is lacking pizazz? Voilà!
    .-= Ginny´s last blog ..Did Casanova Have a Mom? =-.

  25. So, that boobie mushroom is totally the hottest mushroom I’ve ever seen. And now I’m wondering if that thought makes me some sort of Basidio-sexual/mycota-sexual or something like that?

    Seriously.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Cicada =-.

  26. Even your lawn is R rated! It’s like you were destined to be crazy and inappropriate and now your lawn is joining in. If your neighbors think you’re as crazy as we already know you are, then they’ll think you put it there on purpose. Just act like the latest thing is having a boobie mushroom on your front lawn and they’ll be too distracted trying to figure out how to get their own that they won’t even notice how totally weird it really is.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..If I believed in omens, I would be worried right now. =-.

  27. You should offer the magical mushroom as an appetizer at the next neighborhood meeting on a really pretty plate. See who takes the first bite and stay the hell away from that person.

    Could you write more about the Pope? Every time you do my abs get a little more toned and my eyes a bit clearer from all the tears. And I need all I can get since my husband would probably rather fondle that mushroom over mine any day of the week.

    Thanks.
    .-= Love´s last blog ..Testosterone will transform any good person into a sex machine. Believe me, I know. =-.

  28. Tell me you picked it up. TELL ME YOU PICKED IT UP!

    And built a shrine to it in your bathroom. Or your kitchen. Where the hell is it appropriate to build a mushroom shrine anyway? Somewhere dark and moist? Oh crap, now I’ve just grossed myself out by typing moist. AGAIN.

    This is all god’s fault.
    .-= shine´s last blog ..I’m still calling it a dinner party. =-.

  29. It’s like you stuck a fake nipple on it.

    My dad killed himself … and no matter how suicidal or depressed or panicky-y I get, I will NEVER do it. Because he was an arsehole who couldn’t handle life, so if I die by natural causes it means I won.

    Hope those pesky “jump-under-cars” feelings soon abate .. hey, who knows WHAT crazy thing God will leave out for you to find next week. Maybe a cheetoh shaped exactly like a clitoris.
    .-= edenland´s last blog ..My IVF Story Part II … The Shooting Star =-.

  30. Now there are ninjas AND mushroom boobs here? If that doesn’t make this the best fucking blog on the intarwebs then I surely have no idea what in the world will make The People happy.

    I think you should go into business with a candy maker immediately and market mushroom boobs to all mankind. You can make them out of marzipan or something equally awesome. My business advice is completely without strings attached, by the way.

  31. You should open your own etsy shop selling mushroom boobs, the Fabulous, Fungulous World of the Breast. I’d buy it and eat it sauteed in butter (I love mushrooms and boobs). That sounds a bit creepier than I meant it to.
    .-= angryyoungwoman´s last blog ..Sparkly Nephi =-.

  32. Every time you squash a mushroom a fairy dies, stop doing that the gay community is persecuted enough all ready…ease up on the fairy carnage.

    P.S. Your neighbor may be Jeffery Dahmer’s second cousin twice removed and that is not a mushroom.

  33. there’s something middlin’-highly coincidental happening regarding my having *only just* written a post about my leftover angst over some fucko who i may or may not still be, BUT IN FACT, TOTALLY AM, trying to avenge for having mocked my small boobs as a teenager, and the mushroom boobie.

    i think it’s God, too. i think he’s telling you to spread the mushroom boobie’s message, J. because if there’s one thing God loves, it’s boobs, and especially the little ones. he loves the little ones the best.

    God loves my little boobs, is what this means. God is down w my almost-As.

    SUCK ON THAT, CASEY. SUCK ON HOW MUCH GOD PREFERS MY MOSQUITO-BITES TO YOUR STUPID, BALDING SNAGGLE-TOOTH AND YOUR SCIENCE-TEACHER PAUNCH.

    i owe you for this, Jenny. well, you and God. and your Granny.

  34. I agree with the other people that you should totally sell it on ebay. People buy all kinds of weird and freaky things. Trust me, there is someone out there who is just dying to buy a mushroom boobie. I just don’t know how you would properly package such a thing or what section it should be posted in. I doubt the ebay help section will have something on this. You should call the ebay customer service number and ask them. I’m sure that would be a hilarious conversation. Please post it here so we can enjoy.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Sex toy makers are now trying to cash in on necrophilia. =-.

  35. At first I actually thought it was a silcone implant on the grass then I thought why would someone throw away a perfectly good implant. Then I remembered Lorana(sp?)Bobbit and remembered that the person who found his penis probably thought the same thing…..funny stuff bloggess. keep it coming! you are awesome!

  36. Too bad there weren’t two! Two boobie mushrooms is always better than one. Maybe another one will grow…and then there will be a hand mushroom. YOU COULD BUILD A WHOLE BODY OUT OF MUSHROOMS! Then you could name it Veronica and really freak out your neighbors.

  37. “I’m just a fun gi.”
    Some of the mushrooms are exact phalluses. . ?. . . it may be that nature is trying to tell us something here about gettin’ down and dirty in the moist underworld….or underwear . . . .
    Anyway, always glad to hear you didn’t kill yourself over blogging.
    There are much better reasons, after all.

  38. Magical boobie mushroom, both awesome and delicious, except I don’t like mushrooms so less on the delicious side, unless this is a magical kind of mushroom in which case I could get on board because I could really use a trip.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Food =-.

  39. Love the way your mind works; haven’t laughed so much since Dylan Moran was in town.
    (wiping away laugh tears).
    Don’t stop blogging.

  40. Last year I found a PENIS in my yard! Thats right, but it really wasn’t … I was too distraught to take pictures, but I did find out what it was. Y’all have to google “stinkhorn mushroom” and see the pictures that come up. And yes, it does stink, and now I am all freaked out again, because what is going on with all the x-rated body shaped mushrooms? Must go lie down…

  41. That boobie mushroom is pretty perky. I should know as I’m the perkiest boobie owner in the world now. (I had reduction surgery … the result? Extremely.Perky.Boobs!) I imagine some non-perky woman will come along and pick that boobie mushroom and tape it right onto her chest. Then she’ll wear a shirt that is see thru only on ONE side to show off her perkiness which will be, after all, only a boobie mushroom. Don’t ya think?
    .-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Patience? =-.

  42. I beleive the original bible verse was “God so love the world that he gave boobies. Really. Boobies. What begotten son? Boobies.”

    P.S. My boss just walked into my office and asked if I was looking at porn. This is probably my last day…
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..Caaaaaable Guuuy! =-.

  43. Booby perfection indeed! It’s funny how God or Mother Nature or whatever entity is in charge, throws down just the right message at the right time. I have Parkinson’s, and like your RA, the whole freakin’ thing pisses me off to a somewhat lunatic degree at times.

    And then up pops a Booby Mushroom, and all is well again!
    .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Soccer. Balls. Son of… =-.

  44. Would you be interested in selling this mushroom? Please email me ASAP with a desired price, if you have one in mind.

  45. You should totally throw a thin white t-shirt over it and water it. Oh, wait. I forgot, I’m a lady. Don’t do that, that’s offensive.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Max Power =-.

  46. The next step is to contact the police so you can coordinate security and traffic control for the thousands of pilgrims that will now come to your yard to see the Holy Mushboob that God and your Granny made that saved you from throwing yourself in front of a car to end the RA which God only gave you in order to lead you to the Holy Mushboob and people will roll their wheelchairs and walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom into your yard so they might touch the nipple of the boob and BE HEALED from yes RA but also much ookier and more embarrassing afflictions especially the fungus-related ones. Where do you live again?
    .-= pjwaldron´s last blog ..More Things That Keep Me Up At Night =-.

  47. I heard that if you squash mushrooms, fairies will attack you
    Say what ??

    Oh I am soo screwed…….

  48. I used to date a real boob that would get drunk and pass out on the grass, but I like your boob much better!

  49. Um, is that your daughter’s shoe? I would love to hear what you said when you ran inside to get your camera…honey, hurry outside with mommy I have a special surprise for you…it’s magical.

  50. Someone left a link to this in my comments and can I just say? It’s only Tuesday and already the week’s been real long and reality entirely too real and this just about made my day. Week. Maybe even my month. Thank you. Awesome.
    .-= Lene´s last blog ..Too Far. Just Too, Too Far =-.

  51. I wish God would give me a boobie mushroom in my yard 🙁 instead all I get are sickly looking mushrooms that I wish my husband would destroy already. But now I’m thinking, maybe we should leave those mushrooms… maybe one day we’ll get blessed with God’s sexual mushrooms, and if we do? Then I’ll totally go to Church. Until then though, I’m sleeping in on Sunday mornings.
    .-= Megan Erwin´s last blog ..Ignore This, lol. =-.

  52. Pingback: Damn.
  53. That is the kind of love God never shows me. I’m gonna have to have a talk with my granny. Who I don’t call “granny”. Mostly because she’s dead and I don’t talk to dead people because I’m not that freaky kid in that movie, but also because I never called her granny. But I would totally talk to her if she could put a boobie mushroom on my lawn. I need blog material, too, you know!
    .-= Shnerfle´s last blog ..How to Teach Your Children Vocabulary =-.

  54. eBay! No way! Clearly God sent you that mushroom so you could start a new religion. You could pray over the boobie mushroom on TV while gently rubbing it to make your callers boobies look as beautiful as the boobie mushroom. And don’t forget to take Visa and MasterCard.

  55. If it cures your RA, I’m totally going to start my hunt for boobie mushrooms for my husband. What a lucky guy he would be! Eating boobie-shrooms and feeling better. Score!

    Seriously hilarious!! And it would only happen to you, wouldn’t it??
    .-= Kara @ His, Hers, and Ours.´s last blog ..Monday Musings =-.

  56. Do you realize that you have seen a vision of blessed Saint Agatha of Sicily? From Saints.SQPN.com (“notes about your extended family in heaven”)– ” Young, beautiful and rich, Agatha lived a life consecrated to God. When Decius announced the edicts against Christians, the magistrate Quinctianus tried to profit by Agatha’s sanctity; he planned to blackmail her into sex in exchange for not charging her. Handed over to a brothel, she refused to accept customers. After rejecting Quinctianus’s advances, she was beaten, imprisoned, tortured, her breasts were crushed and cut off. She told the judge, “Cruel man, have you forgotten your mother and the breast that nourished you, that you dare to mutilate me this way?”” She is often depicted carrying her breasts on a plate. I’d say she’s trying to get some attention, and YOU are just the person to do it. The BVM has had her day in the sun.
    .-= Still another Laura´s last blog ..Quote of the Day =-.

  57. That’s not only a mushroom that looks like *a* boobie. It’s a mushroom that looks like *my* boobie. I know because it looked familiar, so I took my shirt off and was just pressing my boob up against my computer screen (you know, to compare them side-by-side) when my boss walked in. So I asked him to look at my boob and then the mushroom boob and tell me if they’re similar. He said yes. Then he gave me a raise.
    .-= FunnyGal KAT´s last blog ..A true friend… =-.

  58. I have to quote this back to you in case you have no clear idea what you have accomplished here:

    “It’s like peeing behind the Pope. Most of the people there are too into the Pope to notice and if they do notice it’s probably because they weren’t paying enough attention to the Pope. It’s like a Pope test. If you’re distracted by a little urine you lose your turn with the Pope and have to go to the back of the line. If I was the Pope I’d have someone peeing behind me all the time. That would be awesome.”

    One of the best analogies, coined terms, new concepts, EVER! This, m’lady, is what the Internet is for.

    (In case you are wondering why I am in full-on kiss-up mode: Hear that knock on your door? My kids are selling cookie doughs for their school fundraisers this week. Thanks!)

    p.s. My MIL is a devout Catholic who goes to church like, every day. On Tuesdays she goes there twice. I will make sure she is ok with this new analogy. And if not, I’ll make sure that you and I are on her prayer list….)
    .-= submom´s last blog ..How come others got a long letter from a Nigeria princess and I, this? =-.

  59. Man, that is one BOOBIE mushroom! When I saw the title of your post, I also thought you had come across a breast (or implant) left after a murder! Glad it wasn’t so traumatic, except for the part about the deathwish. God TOTALLY sent you this mushroom as a SIGN… (I don’t know WHAT sign though)…

  60. When I was little, I was afraid to touch mushrooms because I thought I would get high. And get warts. Then I would go inside, and my mom would totally know that I was high because she could see the warts all over my tiny body. There’s no covering that shit up.

    BUT, being the little gay girl that I was, I totally would have touched that mushroom boobie. And liked it.
    Worth the warts.

  61. So my day was totally in the fucking shitter until I saw the boobie mushroom. i’m now in much better spirits and will NOT have to sell my children to the highest bidder on eBay. Thank you boobie mushroom for saving my family.
    .-= Shaun´s last blog ..2 Years and Counting =-.

  62. I was more impressed before I realized that the shoe belonged to Hailey, at least I hope it does. If not you should reconsider your shoe options.

  63. Ah, that’s where the other goddess went to . .she’s been missing a few days.

    Gwenny, bearer of twin goddesses of the Cult of Gwenny the Pooh’s Tits

  64. This could be a safe and sane replacement for saline and silicone breast implants. Just seed the patient’s bosom with a bit of transplanted fungi, send her out into a heavy rain storm, and the next morning — voila! She wakes up with Fungi Bags.

    Also, if a group of say, college cheerleaders, who were all similarly enhanced, were to, say, crash in the Andes, “Alive!”-style, this is the kind of breast augmentation that could stave off cannibalism for months, and add a delicious savory note to your melted-snow-and-boot-upper soup.
    .-= Scott C.´s last blog ..Apparently Roger Dean Wasn’t Available =-.

  65. For some reason, boobie mushrooms just replaced flowers in my mind. Instead of flower bouquet, boobie bouquet (say that 10 times fast) field of flowers, field of boobies, “let me just put these flowers in some water”, “let me just put these boobies in some water” ….Its funny to think about, but not really that funny, but yeah it kinda is that funny….
    .-= Brandy´s last blog ..This one gets a little graphic… =-.

  66. http://tinyurl.com/klqoum
    OMFG. I spent last week obsessing over Zombie Penis Mushrooms ™ that I found in my back yard. I was totally alarmed and disturbed thinking of what might be UNDER the mulch… I posted the blog this morning, then saw your boobie-mushroom. What does this mean??? Is it a Zombie Boobie Mushroom????? Just what the fuck are these zombies up to??????
    (PS: When I told my husband I was on my way home to take pictures of Zombie Penis Mushrooms ™ he thought that was… odd. THEN, he said it sounded like a very Bloggess-like thing to do. I said thank you, but I’m not sure it was a compliment. I’m suspecting he’s as big an asshole as Victor.)
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..You Just Never Know When Zombies Will Pop Up =-.

  67. You know what’s really cool about that shroom? When you stare just below it, at the line by the grass, the boob seems to grow and shrink. Like the psychdellics of the mushroom are oozing through the computer screen.

    AWESOME.

    See it? No? Just me and my own personal acid flashbacks?
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..15 years is a long time to wait for a hug… =-.

  68. You know if it’s still around you could sell it on E-bay! Really, you want to make a dollar? 🙂 I have seen CRAZY shit sold on E-bay, why not a boobie mushroom? I’ve seen crackers, safety pins, paper clips, you name it. Hey, it’s worth a try. Maybe you COULD make a few dollars. 🙂

  69. Wait…are you standingup or squatting when you pee behind the pope? No seriously it seems like squatting would be cheating since you can hide behind his robes.

  70. it’s not a god, it’s your own descendants.they’ve got time machines and nanobot technology. they can go anywhere & anywhen whenever they like and create what they like. they mostly like to mess with us for a bubble. but what can you do? (a: try and be nice, like us they like nice people and are so nice to them).

    the above is all true, i swear, i read it in a comic book.
    .-= jkhdfk´s last blog ..let’s hear it for science! =-.

  71. It’s a poisonous boobie mushroom. That species (Chlorophyllum molybdites) will cause severe gastric distress and bloody diarrhea if consumed. In fact, it’s the most common cause of mushroom poisoning in the US.

    I’m a mycologist, FYI. I just collected three boobie mushrooms on the lawn of a small church near Tallahassee, FL just two weeks ago.

  72. Does this mean that I haven’t found my own boob mushroom because my Grandma is bad? Cause if so, Thanksgiving dinner plans for this year just took a turn for the worse.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions =-.

  73. A co-worker of my husband’s once found a penis shaped mushroom. He called the cops thinking it was left over from murder…. Too funny!!!!
    God does have a sense of humour people!

  74. This is by far the funniest post I have ever read on any blog!! I love you and your unconcern for obscenity in the name of comedy, and making me hold my poochy belly, crying laughing in my study!

  75. This is just too awesome. It’s not everyday someone encounters the boob in it’s natural habitat.

    I showed this to the Hubs and he’s all “that boob’s had work done, look at the color, that pink is all wrong”. He would know, he’s kind of the household boob expert.

  76. I think you should pick it and pin it on your sweater and when people stop and stare you could be all, “What? Is my extra boob hanging out again? I notice YOU don’t have an extra boob. How sad for you. I’ll have my granny say a prayer for you so maybe God will send you one.”
    -or-
    You should totally stuff your bra with it, and then Victor goes to feel you up spores would explode out all of the place and you could be all, “Damn, my granny told me that would happen if I let a man feel my boobs. Great. Now there’s boob spores all over the place.”

  77. That’s better than the Jesus someone found in their dog’s ass. Seriously, the anus was Jesus’ head. Also, the dog was a pug so maybe it was a sign for you specifically. Maybe God really is trying to tell you something. Or, possibly someone photoshopped a picture of Jesus onto a dog’s butt. That’s probably more likely. Either way, check it out: http://www.dhadm.com/content/butt-plug-jesus/
    .-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Because it’s funny, dammit. =-.

  78. I don’t believe in God coz he broke my toaster, just cos I said on twitter that Easter had pagan origins. So your boobie mushroom is probably from Astarte or Venus or some other goddess: I thiink they have about a zillion boobies. it might even be a spare 1 they’ve given you. God giving you RA then a mushroom boobie? NO WAY. It’s a boobie goddess!
    .-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..Agony With Aunty Drolgerg =-.

  79. I read this book by Stephen King called, “Lisey’s Story” and in it the main female character got part of her boob removed with a hand-turn CAN OPENER.

    Which is exactly what you’d expect in a SK book.

    And exactly what I thought about when I read this post. “Oh, lookee there. Someone’s can-openered off their boob.”

  80. I’m thinking, you could sell tiny pieces of it (you know, like a speck) to women who are hoping to grow better boobs. You know, like a natural alternative to breast augmentation!!!! See, God wanted to make you RICH by giving you that boobie mushroom! You can grow decendents of it, and sell their genetic material to the scientific world! Before you know it, you’ll be having the next Billy Mays selling it on TV commercials for $19.95…but wait..they’ll even throw in some extra dirt and MOSS to grow the things in, all for one low price!! I can just see it now. Women who are sitting up late at night watching breast augmentations on Discovery Health will see the commercial and in their desperation, each one will order like 50 boobie mushrooms. Ok, I’m going to go out in the rain and do some shroom hunting. Maybe I can find an erect penis-shaped shroom?
    .-= Leah´s last blog ..A boobie kind of blog =-.

  81. HOW did I miss this post?! I thought I had read all your back stuff ’til the buried Joseph post dragged me here.

    It is like you have taken all the random things that go into your head and purged them onto the screen. I would never have the courage to do that . Ok, maybe if I had the wig. Maybe.

    Uh, probably not, there is a whole cast of muppets in my head reacting to every stimulus in my world. I definitely watched too much Muppet Show as a kid. What a disappointment to find out that I couldn’t be one when I grew up. Sure, I coulda had a job as a muppeteer, but that really wasn’t what I was after.

    Ok, done now. Sorry. Your head isn’t the only one messed up… the rest of us just don’t always share it so very freely.

  82. My friend just shared this post and it made my Monday morning! Hilarious. I’m glad you didn’t throw yourself in front of a car because I’m now off to read all your other posts and I think I would have been too sad to do so if I learned you were hit by an automobile.

  83. P.S. I also realize you wrote this post like *years* ago, but better late than never right? Also, isn’t it nice to know that your Granny and the boobie mushroom still have an affect on readers after all this time?

  84. Well that explains why all the teenage boys in the local park are rolling around on the ground …

  85. This is the most genious sentence I have ever read:
    “It’s like peeing behind the Pope.”
    And it gave me hope. Plus, I may be a little titilated by the boobie mushroom.

  86. What’s funny is that I have a mushroom in my front yard that is a perfect (if somewhat small) penis. It’s part of a “fairy ring” configuration of mushrooms; I know, don’t go there.

  87. Sadly, the boobie mushroom looks a lot like my boobie, boobie. I can live with this. No pictures, please. Kisses, Me

  88. Ummm… what does it say that I am somewhat envious of a fungus boob? Maybe you should make a silicone mold of it, just because you can.

  89. I have to quit drinking anything when I read your blogs because whatever it is, it always comes out my nose I’m laughing so hard. I love the boob mushroom. Too bad there weren’t two right beside each other, you could probably charge for that.

  90. Conversation I had with husband after viewing this post:
    Me: Remember that book I made you listen to me read snippets from last weekend?
    Husband: Yeah?
    Me: Well, that chick has a blog….and it has mushroom porn!
    Thanks for providing me the opportunity to deliver such an awesome line!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: