I did almost all of this in my pajamas.


    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t an asshole):

    This week on the internets:

    • I got interviewed by 5 Minutes for Mom and I looked fat and also I was a little drunk and I wasn’t allowed to curse or talk about semen so there’s a lot of awkward pauses where I’m telling myself to shut up.  Awesome.

    This week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    37 replies. read them below or add one

    1. You’ve been busy…especially with all that throwing up.

    2. You read ALL the Twilight books? That totally blows your cover. Now we know who you really are — not some cool chick — but just another one of those weepy over-emotional girls waiting for a hunky, somewhat sexually ambiguous, vampire to “rescue her.”
      .-= Neil´s last blog ..Too Close For Comfort =-.

    3. Fucking Twilight. Goddamned fucking Twilight.
      .-= bejewell´s last blog ..Because of 9/11, I Made My Husband Gay on Facebook =-.

    4. I think we all knew you’d read the Twilights after you posted about the glittery “adult toy“.

      (Wasn’t sure if I could say dildo on here.)

      Oh… fuck.
      .-= LiLu´s last blog ..The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XV =-.

    5. Wow … you are good!
      .-= M´s last blog ..Week 15 091309 =-.

    6. I’m also really good at making food that tastes like vomit. Babies love me.
      .-= Prosy´s last blog ..Contain Your Excitement: Another post about the gym =-.

    7. I am judging you. Not for the books but because you are an arsonist who tortures PR folk with the specter of your murdered father in a forest. Kinda like Lord of the Rings, where the trees are alive but not really the same thing at all unless you are drunk & you begin to connect totally unconnected events into a logical sequence that is still not logical even when you think about it. Which might be why I wrote this, that or I’m drunk. Not really sure, it could be both.
      .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Cool Suprises & Features Make Up for ALL the Boot Stealing Devils =-.

    8. I’ve read all the Twilight books too. It’s probably my most shameful secret.
      .-= Sarah´s last blog ..(via infinitebutterflies)Damn you Anne Hathaway.Just…… =-.

    9. I just read the first two Twilight books and I enjoyed them but I heard that the last two are not as good so even though I’ve bought them.. I’ve been putting off reading them.
      .-= Christine´s last blog ..Comment on The Pimp Cafe by Christine =-.

    10. Have you read Cleolinda’s Twilight re-cap extravaganza? They’re almost as much fun as reading those train wrecks posing as books. (I read the first one out of cultural curiosity and kept going because they we SO BAD I couldn’t stop. Shhh- don’t tell anyone!)

    11. I always get excited about these posts–in case I have missed something through out the week. But this week? Crap! I’ve already read all your fabulousness. Please hurry and do something awesome and write about it…
      .-= Martie´s last blog ..I Remember 9/11, It Was Also Rita’s Birthday… =-.

    12. That seriously was the best Twilight Review I have ever read in my life, thank you. I thus had to blog about it because… well… who the hell wouldn’t? Also, I think I just wasted a good two hours of my life reading every single thing in your advice column. Can I have those two hours back? Wait no… I kind of don’t want them back because I also spent that time holding my side from laughing hysterically to the point I got a nice annoyed look from my husband and my son also kinda looked at me funny. *Yes, I am aware I’m spending too much time here son. Hush.* Oh, and I think I would feel guilty as well for the whole… dad died in a forest so now I burn them down… though… I think I’d only feel *half* guilty because seriously, who would think that’s *not* a joke coming from you? If they’re reaching out to you they must realize you’re… well, you. This puzzles me. Oh look, a sparkly glittery dildo, lets warm it up and do it doggy style. Oh what the fuck. Now I think I do have a problem.
      .-= Megan Erwin´s last blog ..On Twilight. =-.

    13. Krap. I have a lot of reading to catch up on to see what you’ve been up to. Good night time reading 🙂 Thanks for the laughs!
      .-= Marisa @ Where’s The Party?´s last blog ..What I remember from that day. =-.

    14. I’m prepared to forgive you for not including anything from my blog in the “This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome” list. Why? Because I like you…
      .-= Braja´s last blog ..Friends =-.

    15. Listen carefully, and you’ll notice he mentions he read the Rick James Version.

    16. You tackled arson and how scary the internet and your minions can be and I tackled shitty baby names and omens. The combination is so coliary.
      .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..If I believed in omens, I would be worried right now. =-.

    17. 5 dollars says Edward ejaculates rainbows.

      Any takers?

    18. Susan and Janice are in love with you. I think you switched ’em to the home team.
      .-= Robin~PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Beautiful Ending =-.

    19. The Rick James version of the Bible can indeed repel vampires.
      .-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Soccer. Balls. Half-Time. =-.

    20. Seriously, thank you for the Twilight review. Not so much thanks for the chick(?) in the bear costume though. I will be trying to figure that one out for the next month. And then my head will explode. And someone is going to have to clean that shit up.
      .-= Pando´s last blog ..Socialization, Innovation and Pie =-.

    21. I now know that I should never read the Twilight series because I couldn’t even make it through that review (although the part about the plot crashing in like a drunk ’53 Chevy pick-up truck was pretty darn funny). I’ll just watch True Blood on HBO so I can prove myself to be a real, red-blooded, American heterosexual female! At least those vampires don’t glitter and are over the age of consent.

    22. You are my hero. How do you manage to write so much, what with zombie baby attacks and embarrassing grocery store incidents and all?

      Gonna read your other stuff…
      .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..They’re coming after me…because I’m tasty. =-.

    23. Just thinking that ‘sex column’ is a new way to describe my penis.

      Actually, it’s more like ‘sex thimble’ but why be derogatory?
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Shaved for Her Displeasure – Part Two (The Unveiling of Fabio) =-.

    24. Dear Bloggess: thank you so much for the Twilight review. It is awesome-ness to the level of yours. Now I have a dilemma: should I actually read the books so I can fully appreciate the review? Or should I let the sleeping dog lie and pretend I have read the books now that I read the best review ever?
      .-= submom´s last blog ..“I want to be different. Deal with it!” =-.

    25. That was the best Twilight review I’ve seen. Here’s another one of my favourites: http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html#cutid1

    26. Have you read my review of Twilight? It’s not quite this good, but it’s still pretty badass. Anything is compared to these books. I actually collect hateful reviews of Twilight, they are my Edward.

    27. Damn, now thats talent. Tell me, does it really come natural or does it take practice to be that effing good? Damn, I am getting good at this ass kissing thing.
      .-= Brandy´s last blog ..Could this be the end? Dom dom dom…..(added for dramatic effect) =-.

    28. Okay, first of all, I believe that you’re “The BlogESS”, right? NOT, “The BlogASS”?? Where was she from, Minnesota? And speaking of “she”, Janice & Susan totally want to scissor you. You know… like… rub burgers.
      .-= Hercules Charnas´s last blog ..Power =-.

    29. I do judge you,…mostly because I can and for no other real reason, lol. I read the first Twilight and wondered what all the hopla was all about. Thanks for the link/Synopsis of the books now I don’t have to read the other ones 🙂

      Enjoyed the advice too. I’ve learned so much 🙂
      .-= Jenni´s last blog ..Brain Cloud =-.

    30. I am SOOO glad you posted the Twilight review link. I was seriously considering buying at least the first one to see what the big freaking deal is about those books. You just saved me a couple of bucks that can now go where they were rightfully intended- vodka.
      .-= LS´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions =-.

    31. I love that the Twilight review brings up the homosexual undertones of the book. In every book review I had to do in high school I tried to prove how the main male character was secretly gay.. it makes writing about books so much better.
      .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..I love Craigslist =-.

    32. Holy shit…I thought reading you at work and doing the silent, tears streaming down my face and trying to breathe laugh was hard. Do you realize what happens when you’re drinking Tequila and reading you? Jose through the nose is just not pleasant, I can tell you that….
      .-= Janie Woods´s last blog ..Ahhhh, Football =-.

    33. Hey, your teeth looked awesome in that interview. Very pearly white. You maybe even glowed. No worries.
      .-= Susan´s last blog ..Susan says Yes =-.

    34. Have you read Cleolinda’s Twilight re-cap extravaganza? They’re almost as much fun as reading those train wrecks posing as books. (I read the first one out of cultural curiosity and kept going because they we SO BAD I couldn’t stop. Shhh- don’t tell anyone!)

      Jenny, seriously Nic is right. The one you posted was funny, but Cleolinda’s is the best ever. As much fun as reading the books, maybe even more fun. Other than yourself, Cleolinda is probably the only person on the internet that makes me laugh so hard that I pee my pants. High praise indeed. 🙂 Read her Twilight reviews here: http://cleoland.pbworks.com/Twilight

    35. Hah, I don’t usually comment but I wanted to tell you about Cleolinda’s site. I see I’ve been beaten to it.

      Seriously, read it 🙂
      .-= Sylvia´s last blog ..Feeling Crafty =-.

    36. Oh my god, that Twilight review on Cracked is literally the best thing I ever read. Someone should write a book called Pride and Prejudice and the Cracked Twilight Review. It would be so awesome.
      .-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Stand back while I freak the f%$# out. =-.

    37. 37
      Lady Penelope

      When you wrote “and yes [you’ve] read them all”, I thought you meant that you’d read all of the Twilight ‘reviews’. I think that would be far more disturbing. No judgment.

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